19 Nocturne Boulevard

In a future where everyone must die at 65, or when they fail to be functioning parts of society, all that is left to choose is the method...

A poor but nerdy taxidermist is hired to mount the trophy of a lifetime.

Cast List Debra Meeks - Emmatrice Devan Curt - Cole Hornaday Dougie - George Dunn Da Boss - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Olsen - Femnomena Zalmoxis - Danar Hoverson Roderick - Julie Hoverson

Music by Deied Theme music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson [Taxidermy pics used with permission from Custom Creature Taxidermy Arts]

"What kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?"

************************************************************************

A STITCH IN TIME

Cast:

Olivia

Debra Meeks, lonely taxidermist

Curt Buchner, low-level thug

Dougie Block, ranking thug

William Buchner, high-level cultist

Mrs. Olsen, next door with cats

Zalmoxis, ancient god

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND INSIDE CAR NOISES (not driving), RAIN

SOUND RADIO TURNS OFF, MUSIC OUT

CURT [sincere] Nice night.

DOUGIE Nice? You like rain?

CURT [eager] Yeah. Course, it's better when there's lightning too.

DOUGIE You wouldn't want to be in the car then - too much metal

CURT [eager] Oh, no, just the opposite - the tires would protect us. Keep us from being grounded.

DOUGIE Right. Whatever.

CURT [musing] Especially wouldn't want to be outside if you had a metal plate in your head.

DOUGIE A what? [half a laugh] How many people do you actually know with a freaking metal plate in their head?

CURT Um... [thinks] six.

DOUGIE Six? you know six freaking people with -- Nah! You're so full of shit your eyes are brown.

CURT Six. Benny the geek, Mr. Jones, my gramps - got his in Okinawa, my uncle Lenny - in Nam, my niece Bevvy--

DOUGIE Your niece? She see action overseas too?

CURT Don't be silly, she's five. Playground accident, but she's doing fine - her dad even shaved his head to match hers so she won't feel so self-conscious til her hair grows back to cover the scar.

DOUGIE So who's number six?

CURT Hmm?

DOUGIE That's five, who's six?

CURT Oh! [chuckles] Me.

DOUGIE Great, runs in the family.

CURT Guess you could say that. I--

DOUGIE Oops. Time to bring in the packages. Don't want to be late - you know the boss.

SOUND GETTING OUT OF THE CAR

DOUGIE "D. Meeks, Taxidermy" Hey - that's funny, "D. Meeks"

CURT Huh?

DOUGIE You know, D. Meeks'll inherit D Earth, and all that. [laughs]

CURT [missed it by a mile] Oh. Um, I guess so.

DOUGIE [Exasperated noise]

MUSIC

DEBRA [very uncomfortable, searching for excuses] Never done anything big - I mean, I did take a prize for mounting a bear, but it was a really really small brown.

WILLIAM ["mob boss"] I don't think you understand my... uh... position, dear lady. I have come to you, not with a request, but a requirement.

DEBRA But why me?

WILLIAM I have seen your work, and know of the prizes you have taken, and believe you are the only one who can do the job I need done with the grace and skill I need it to be done with.

SOUND THUMPING AS SOMETHING BIG AND HEAVY IS DROPPED IN HALL. THEN A TENTATIVE KNOCK AT THE DOOR

WILLIAM [sigh] Both of which are qualities sorely lacking these days. [sigh] Raoul, let them in.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

DEBRA What exactly do you need stuffed?

WILLIAM We will get to that in a moment, first--

SOUND DOOR OPENS

WILLIAM --Ah, Curt, Dougie, so glad you could join us.

DEBRA [quiet, to herself] That's funny, I once had a cat named Doogie. No, that's wrong - I once stuffed a cat named Doogie.

DOUGIE [fawning] Glad to help, Mr. Williams.

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

WILLIAM The young lady here is Debra Meeks - a true artiste. I believe you have something for her, Dougie?

DEBRA [quiet, to herself] Doogie mouser.

DOUGIE Right here, Mr. Williams.

CURT [Snickers, getting her joke]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BRIEFCASE SET ON BENCH, LATCHES SNAP, CASE OPENS

DEBRA Holy crow! Is that--?

WILLIAM Two-hundred, fifty thousand dollars. Which, coincidentally, is just about twice your total debts, what with the failing business and the house and all - rounded up, of course, since no one likes small change...

DEBRA And I just have to do the one job?

WILLIAM Just one. But I must have your absolute assurance and agreement before I can show you the subject in question.

DEBRA [thinking, muttering] I could really--

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

DEBRA --really use that, wouldn't have to do any more crummy data entry--

WILLIAMS The offer expires in 30 seconds, my dear young lady. Please think quickly.

DEBRA [muttered] Hang gliding, jello body rub, Trip to Mall of America, scatter dad properly...

WILLIAMS Five. Four. Three.

DEBRA All right. Whatever you want.

WILLIAMS I do require absolute discretion. Can you guarantee that?

DEBRA Ye-es. Yes.

WILLIAMS Good. Why don't you boys bring in the other package.

DOUGIE Gotcha. Sir.

SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN, HEAVY ITEM ROLLED IN

DEBRA [gasp]

MUSIC

DEBRA [hyperventilating into a paper bag]

CURT Come on, it ain't that bad.

DEBRA But -- [gasp, goes back into bag]

CURT You musta seen all kinds of dead things before.

SOUND BAG SNATCHED AWAY, SQUEAKY TOY STARTS UP

DEBRA Not a person!

CURT Just think of it as a really big ... badger or something.

WILLIAMS [off, sweet] Are you ready to hear the rest of your commission, Miss Meeks? [harder] Curt?

CURT [calling over shoulder] Just about. [back to her] Come on.

DEBRA Badger. Right. [deep breath] A big, [gasp] bald, [breath] badger. [bad accent] We don't need no steenkin'--

CURT [low] You might want to stop with the squeaking. I think it's getting on the boss's nerves.

DEBRA The..?

SOUND SLOW LET GO OF THE SQUEAK

DEBRA Oh. It helps with stress.

CURT Yours, maybe - but his...? Ya know.

DEBRA Um-hmm.

SOUND SQUEAKY OUT

WILLIAMS So glad you could rejoin us. I apologize for the shock this must be, but you see now why I was forced to extract your agreement before I could show you the subject?

DEBRA Uh-huh.

SOUND SLOW SQUEAK, IN-OUT

MUSIC

DEBRA [irritated, "move out of my way"] Excuse me.

DOUGIE [snort]

DEBRA Can you bring ... that ...on in here? I have to... well, I have to see what needs to be done.

DOUGIE It's not as heavy as it looks. Get it yourself. I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you. Make sure you don't phone no one or louse this up.

DEBRA Your boss said you were supposed to make sure I got it done right.

DOUGIE Yeah, well, who's stopping you?

DEBRA [loud sigh/growl of exasperation]

SOUND ANGRY FOOTSTEPS, TRYING TO MOVE A HEAVY OBJECT [COFFIN] ON WHEELS, BUT BANGING INTO WALLS

DEBRA This is a two person job!

DOUGIE I ain't in the mortician's union.

DEBRA Fine.

SOUND COFFIN LID RAISES, SLAMS INTO WALL

DEBRA It would be the feet end. [sigh] Ok -- ew!

SOUND SCUFFLE OF FABRIC, SQUEAKY TOY GOES A MILE A MINUTE

DOUGIE Leave off, already!

DEBRA He's still warm! Ew!

MUSIC SOMBER, FUNEREAL

SOUNDS THROUGHOUT, ODD PLOPS AND DRIPS, CUTTING NOISES

CURT So if you've won all these awards, how come you're broke?

DEBRA Not much call for taxidermy, these days - PETA, all that. We fly a little under the radar, since fur coats are a bigger splash in the news, but we take our share of flack.

SOUND HEAVY PLOP

CURT So why do it?

DEBRA I'm good at it. You don't stop doing something you're good at just cause no one cares, do ya?

CURT But what if what you're good at doesn't ... well... get you anywhere?

SOUND ALL AMBIANCE STOPS, EXCEPT DRIPPING NOISES

DEBRA [wipes face with back of sleeve] Like what?

CURT I ran track. A lot. But what does that do for you, unless you want to be a fugitive on Cops?

DEBRA [giggles]

CURT Why're you taking off your glasses?

DEBRA Just trying to picture you with your face all blurred out.

SOUND CUTTING AND NOISES BEGIN AGAIN, A MOMENT OF JUST THIS, THEN:

DEBRA How'd you go from track to - um -

CURT Wiseguy?

DEBRA Is that what it's called?

CURT Good enough. [shrugs] Mister Williams is my uncle. It ain't a bad job. [beat] What got you into this? This dead animal stuff?

DEBRA Promise you won't laugh?

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

CURT Sure.

DEBRA No really, promise.

CURT I promise.

DEBRA I was about seven. It was a - bad time. My folks were using me as the tug in a divorce tug-o-war, so I took apart my teddy bear, to see what made him squeak. I very carefully picked out the stitches and pulled this out‑‑

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

CURT Your keychain?

DEBRA No, I put it on there years later.

CURT Most kids, when they operate on a toy, decide to become doctors. [shrug] Or serial killers.

DEBRA Yeah, but I restuffed and sewed him back up again. Over and over again. I kept sewing different things into him, too. Trying to see how much I could hide in there.

SOUND BIG PLOP

DEBRA Uhhh. Hand me the hose?

MUSIC

AMBIANCE SCRAPING SOUNDS

DEBRA I had to choose between maintaining the carcass or the skin. Your boss indicated he needed the skin as intact as possible--

SOUND MAGAZINE PAGE TURNS

DOUGIE Whatever. You know, I ain't actually listening to you.

DEBRA --So I won't be able to make a mold from the original carcass, since I'm having to sacrifice the smaller bits, like fingers-- What?

DOUGIE I'm not listening.

DEBRA Why not? You could learn something.

DOUGIE I could also lose my lunch. [sigh]

SOUND MAGAZINE SLAPPED DOWN

DOUGIE How does a moderately cute dame like you end up elbow deep in guts on a daily basis?

DEBRA I-- I don't know.

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY A COUPLE OF TIMES

DOUGIE You almost done here? The boss is supposed to be back with your next set of instructions this evening.

DEBRA Just the hardest bits are left - you know - very delicate, paper thin skin, lots of crenellations. I wonder if I could just cut 'em off, hollow 'em out, and rebuild 'em later?

DOUGIE [very creeped] Ohhhhh. Now I'm really not listening. Urp.

SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR

DEBRA What's he got against ears?

MUSIC

WILLIAMS And the progress?

DEBRA I got the hide off, but it's not all in one piece - humans just don't come apart that easily. Our... skin... is really ...um.... too thin. I can stitch it back together, but there's also no pelt to cover up the stitches--

WILLIAMS The stitches will be fine. And I've brought you the stuffing materials--

DEBRA Mounting. We prefer "mounting". Anyway, really what I need next is a drum of grease cutter - mild dishwashing liquid'll do - don't want anything too harsh that'll dry out the--

WILLIAMS Dougie will get it for you. [an order] Won't you Dougie? For now, I have brought you your mounting materials. You understand that it is very important to use what I brought and only what I brought. I even have special thread for you to use for stitching it all up again.

DEBRA But I - I need a framework - heavy sculpted foam works just fine, [slowing a bit] though I can't exactly order off the rack for--

WILLIAMS You may have noticed this project is ... unique.

SOUND RUSTLE OF A LARGE SHEAF OF PAPERS

WILLIAMS I have very specific requirements as to how you are to proceed.

SOUND KNOCK AT THE DOOR

WILLIAMS What is that? You were supposed to--

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY GOES LIKE CRAZY

DEBRA I'll tell them to go away.

DOUGIE [menacing] If you don't I will.

MRS. OLSEN [muffled] Debbie? Dear? It's time!

DEBRA Oh, jeez.

WILLIAMS What?

DEBRA My landlady Mrs. Olsen - we have this standing agreement that whenever one of her cats dies, She brings it on in.

MRS. OLSEN Debbie? I know you're in there!

DEBRA I'll go get Roderick and put him on ice until I'm done with [swallows nervously] your project.

WILLIAMS Won't she notice if it takes longer than usual?

DEBRA Nah. She's pretty gone - up there. I'll just keep telling her she only brought him in yesterday...

SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS

DEBRA Psst. Don't let her see you.

DOUGIE Hmph.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MRS. OLSEN Oh, there you are, Debbie. Did I catch you in the crapper? I'm so sorry, but poor Mr. Roderick's time has come.

DEBRA I'm so very sorry.

MRS. OLSEN That's all right. He's in a better place. Cream and honey. Cream and honey. Here's his poor little body. You always do such a good job for me, Debbie.

DEBRA I know. Yeah. I'll bring him back to you when he's ready to rejoin the family.

MRS. OLSEN So kind. Now I must get home - Roderick's about to have kittens!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

DOUGIE I thought ... Roderick was dead.

DEBRA She names all her cats Roderick. Saves on changing the names on the bowls.

DOUGIE How many have you--?

DEBRA Thirty four.

DOUGIE How many does she--?

DEBRA Depends on how big a litter Roderick has.

MUSIC

WILLIAMS So, now you have these big bags of-- Dougie?

DOUGIE Yeah? Uh, here, boss.

SOUND HEAVY BAG DUMPED ON FLOOR, CRUNCHES

WILLIAMS We'll just call them Tana leaves. Got it? They must fill up the bulk of the body.

SOUND BAG BEING POKED

DEBRA They're kind of pokey. Might tear the ... hide. Can I grind them?

WILLIAMS Hmm. I don't see why not - but let me get back to you on that before you go off and do something unfortunate.

DEBRA Ok. Um...

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

WILLIAMS [waits a second, then] Yeah? Speak up?

DEBRA I only ask, because it does affect how I do my job, ok?

WILLIAMS Only ask what?

DEBRA Is this - the whole thing - something that needs to...um....last? Is it going to be moved around a lot?

WILLIAMS Let's say - yes.

DEBRA And you really sure you don't want a central framework? Not even wire reinforcement?

WILLIAMS That's what I said.

DEBRA I need to reinforce the hide somehow or those leaves will rub the crap out of it.

CURT The skin can tear real easy.

DEBRA Yeah.

WILLIAMS I'll check on that. You got stuff to do until I get back to you, right? Good.

MUSIC

SOUND SOMETHING LARGE PULLED OUT OF WATER. DRIPPING

CURT What's all that?

DEBRA Once all the fat's sloughed, you have to cure the hide. Stop it from rotting. Attracting insects. You know.

CURT [shudder] Bugs, man. I hate 'em.

DEBRA Why? They're... Well, they're kind of everywhere.

CURT That's part of the problem - no matter what you do, they're there. They don't keep out, and they don't go away.

DEBRA That's why hating them is so - pointless.

CURT Mostly they just creep me out.

DEBRA Let me guess. Did you grow up with cockroaches?

CURT Palmetto bugs. Huge freaking whistling cockroaches.

DEBRA I lived with cockroaches for a while. [almost a chuckle]

CURT You think they're funny?

DEBRA Only when you spray them with non-stick oven spray by mistake.

CURT Why?

DEBRA They go sliding down the wall, little legs pumping - ee-eh ee-eh ee-eh. They get completely freaked out.

CURT [half teasing] Now you creep me out some too.

DEBRA [pleased snicker]

MUSIC

SOUND PHONE RINGS

DOUGIE [around a mouthful] Figures. [quickly swallows]

DEBRA Shouldn't you get that?

DOUGIE Tell me somethin I don't know. [one last gulp]

SOUND PHONE PICKED UP

DOUGIE Yeah? Right. Fer you.

DEBRA Ok. [really hesitant] Hello?

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY - one squeak

WILLIAMS [phone] I got an answer for you. On the leaves.

DEBRA Uh huh?

WILLIAMS [phone] No grinding. Apparently that's out. You can cut them up some. I'll show you. I'm also bringing some other things you can use for packing.

DEBRA Oh. Good.

WILLIAMS [phone] We don't want him walking around like a big old teabag, eh?

DEBRA [trying to keep it in, but it comes out a whisper] Walking?

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

WILLIAMS [phone] Uh. Figure of speech.

DEBRA Goodbye. [gulps]

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY, SLOW RELEASE

MUSIC

SOUND THREAD BEING SNIPPED

DEBRA There. That's nice. That thread hardly shows, doesn't it?

DOUGIE [off] You talking to the dead guy again?

DEBRA [covering] No.

SOUND PACKING

DOUGIE [off] Oh, hell, no. What's this bag next to my lunch?

DEBRA Roderick.

DOUGIE A dead cat? That ain't hygienic!

DEBRA Technically your lunch is in HIS cooler.

DOUGIE Yeah, like he's gonna be the one to object.

DEBRA [to body] No more than you will, Bob.

SOUND PATS CORPSE, SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES

MUSIC

SOUND COMPUTER KEYS TAPPING

DEBRA Tana Leaves. One N or two...? Hmm...!

WILLIAMS [off] Find her.

DOUGIE Hey chickie?

SOUND HASTY KEYSTROKES

DEBRA Just a sec!

DOUGIE What are you doing? [annoyed, yelling back] She's on the computer, boss!

WILLIAMS [coming in, tsks] What did I say about that?

DEBRA You - well, you didn't say anything... You said not to contact anyone, and I didn't - wasn't. I was looking up ... delicate stitching techniques for very thin hides. Remember, I haven't done this before.

WILLIAMS Hmm.

DEBRA I wouldn't have said anything to anyone. After all, I promised.

WILLIAMS You need to look anything else up, you ask Dougie for your laptop. [commanding] Dougie?

SOUND LAPTOP SLAPPED SHUT

MUSIC

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY THROUGHOUT TO PUNCTUATE

DEBRA I'm worried about .... well, what this is all FOR.

CURT Maybe it's not that bad. Like the Aztecs.

DEBRA The Aztecs? But they were... pretty bad.

CURT No, no they weren't. Not to them. I mean, we all think "ooh, human sacrifice" and "man I wouldn't want my heart ripped out" right?

DEBRA Usually.

CURT But we don't realize that was the way they believed. They figured without constant sacrifice, the world'd actually end. They had to feed a bunch of hungry, thirsty gods, who had a really big human jones.

DEBRA [slight snicker]

CURT For the victims, it was like winning American Idol - you got to be famous for a day.

DEBRA Um. [deep breath] But didn't it hurt?

CURT Oh, yeah. But they were all kinda masochistic back then. Hurt yourself to prove how tough you are and stuff. They'd even pierce their tongues and run cords covered in thorns up and down through the hole.

DEBRA On the victims?

CURT No - the bigwigs did it to themselves.

DEBRA Ugh. But this....

CURT Look, I'll see what I can hear - without asking too many questions, you know? [teasing] I don't want my heart ripped out.

MUSIC

DEBRA [whispering] Oh, Roderick. I'm so sorry about this. But I have to see...

SOUND STUFFING LEAVES

DEBRA And a little of this...

SOUND GRIT BEING SCOOPED

DEBRA And a few stitches..... There. And we wait. What's the worst that could happen, eh?

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

MUSIC

CURT I got a metal plate in my head.

DEBRA [interested] Oh? Where?

CURT About here. You can see the scar if you want.

DEBRA I've never seen a metal plate - I mean, animals don't usually get them, and I've always mounted animals. I mean, not that I'd want to mount you, just that it would be kinda different-- [shocked] oh!

CURT No, no - I understand. I didn't think you'd want to, uh, mount me.

SOUND SQUEAKY SQUEAKY

DEBRA I mean, I'm sure you're very nice and all....

CURT I'm nicer up and walking than with a stick up my butt - or at least that's what my mother always says.

DEBRA Oh. Yeah. [nervous laugh, then double take] She says--?

CURT No. Just wanted to see you laugh.

DEBRA [laughs] Where's Dougie, anyway?

CURT He ain't feeling so well - he says.

DEBRA Figures.

CURT Are you getting close to done?

DEBRA Kinda. It takes a lot of work, especially sewing the fingers and stuff back together.

SOUND AWKWARD SILENCE

CURT I-I hope I didn't gross you out with the whole Aztec thing. I just figured that-- well, being in your profession, you might--

DEBRA Have a strong stomach?

CURT No. Well, I mean, yes. Yes, but. But I figured that maybe you would be the kind of person who could take a step back and look - I mean, there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what you do and why you do it and why you love it, right?

DEBRA Yeah, but I don't kill anyone. Any thing.

CURT I'm just comparing the misunderstanding. To themselves, they were just doing what they had to do. They probably thought "hey, those Mayans, they're some crazy freaks!"

DEBRA Or "wow, those Incas - you wouldn't believe what they're up to!"

CURT See? You got it.

DEBRA Yeah. Ok.

CURT So, there was really a point before I wandered a bit. What got me all started here was that this has something in common with the Aztecs.

DEBRA It does?

CURT Well, yeah - they had this one god, and this is a really good example of misunderstanding - named Xipe Totec [zhippy toe-tec] who they called the flayed one--

CURT --cuz each year the sacrifice was flayed and the skin preserved for the priests to wear for the upcoming year. See, now, to us that's disgusting, but to them it symbolized life, fertility, and the changing of the seasons. Cuz each year, like a seed sheds its pod, the priest would eventually shed the long-dead skin and be a new man.

DEBRA [uncertain] I guess I can see that.

CURT 'Course, the victim was probably flayed alive, so--

DEBRA ew!

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY

SOUND SCRABBLING NOISE

CURT [casual] What's that?

DEBRA [trying to sound casual] Don't... know.

SOUND SQUEAKY TOY GOING A MILE A MINUTE

CURT It's coming from the bathroom.

DEBRA I'll look!

CURT No let me.

DEBRA I - I guess.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, RUNNING CAT FEET

CURT AND DEBRA [both gasp]

CURT Just a freaking cat.

DEBRA [completely freaked out] Yes. Must be one of the Rodericks.

CURT Jeez. [calming her] It's OK. He musta come in through the window or something.

DEBRA [barely a whisper] Something.

MUSIC

DEBRA Keep an eye out - there was a cat in here yesterday. It was pretty freaky.

DOUGIE Hey, at least it ain't some damn dead thing.

DEBRA [shudder] Yeah.

DOUGIE You don't like animals?

DEBRA Live ones are too messy. Eating and pooping. Dead ones are much more manageable.

DOUGIE It's kinda cruel, though ain't it?

DEBRA Why? They're dead. It's just whether they end up cute forever, or rotting in a ditch somewhere.

CURT Like all those people who say we shouldn't eat meat - sure, just let all the cows go. They won't survive on their own.

DOUGIE Do you have a point?

CURT So is it more cruel to put them out to starve? Do those people expect farmers to feed the cows and NOT sell them? Doesn't anyone ever think of the hardship to the farmers?

DEBRA I don't eat meat.

CURT Oh, sorry.

DOUGIE Figures. You make no damn sense, lady.

DEBRA Oh, it's not a moral issue. Just that it clogs me up real bad. [beat] That's too much information, isn't it?

CURT Um...

DOUGIE I'm not listening!

DEBRA Still surprised that I prefer dead animals to live people?

MUSIC

SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

CURT [into phone] Yeah? [up] Debra?

DEBRA [takes phone] Yes?

WILLIAMS You must be finished by tonight. I will arrive at seven with the final component. Be ready to make the final insertion.

DEBRA Where?

WILLIAMS [exasperated] At your shop, there.

DEBRA No, I meant where does it go? I need to finish sewing everything else up, if you're looking to ... take it home tonight.

WILLIAMS Oh, right. Hmm. Leave a spot for the heart.

DEBRA Ohhhh.

MUSIC

CURT Do you think that's what the boss is up to? Something like Xipe Totec?

DEBRA Hmm. I'd say no. A lot of the herbs and stuff on the stuffing list are old world, not Central American at all.

CURT Point. So you rule out my pals the Aztecs.

DEBRA How'd you know so much about them anyway? [kindly] Apart from being a complete freak?

CURT [chuckles ruefully] Eighth grade history project. I was a crap student, but this one time I shoulda got an A - I did drawings and wrote a lot of stuff - I think I grossed out the teacher, so she only gave me a B minus.

DEBRA That's not fair.

CURT Yeah. I mean, she raised rabbits.

[they both think on that for a moment]

CURT I didn't just remember all of it, though - I'm not that much of a geek. I googled it again last night. Refreshed my memory.

DEBRA [somewhat relieved] Oh! [beat, then quiet] did you kill this guy?

CURT Me? No. I smack people sometimes if uncle needs it done, but I don't whack anyone. Kinda too bad, since the money's real good, but I don't got "the cold" that bad, you know?

DEBRA [kindly] You're too sympathetic.

CURT [rueful] You say that like it's a good thing.

SOUND A COUPLE OF SQUEAKS, THEN A DELIBERATE STOP

DEBRA [calm, even] They're going to kill me.

CURT What? No o'course not - why would they have paid you, then?

DEBRA Any way I look at it, they HAVE to kill me.

SOUND STRANGLED SQUEAK

CURT [fierce] I won't let 'em. [reasonable] No reason to, anyway - you'll keep your mouth shut, right?

DEBRA [resigned] Yeah.

SOUND SOME STUFFING

CURT Oh, hey, I almost forgot - the boss mentioned a name.

DEBRA Name?

CURT I think it's what he's doing - what the whole point of this is.

DEBRA Oh. [very dry sarcasm] That helps a lot.

CURT Zalmoxis.

DEBRA Gesundheit.

CURT No, no. I looked it up. And it took a while, too, trying to figure out how to spell the damn thing. It was some old Thracian god. He had something to do with that triangle guy--

DEBRA Who? Isosceles?

CURT No. [uncertain] I'm pretty sure that wasn't it. Anyway, this guy got made into a god somehow and promised immortality of the soul. And, get this - the name "Zalmoxis" comes from the Thracian word for "hide".

DEBRA Hide, like skin, not like "and seek"?

CURT Yup.

DEBRA But what does that all mean? I mean--

CURT What I heard the boss say--

DEBRA Yeah?

CURT He said "when Zalmoxis arrives."

DEBRA Oh. [gulp]

SOUND SQUEAK

MUSIC

SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DEBRA [surprised shriek]

SOUND SQUEAK

CURT Don't worry. Everything's gonna be cool.

SOUND HIS STEPS, DOOR OPENS

CURT Sir.

SOUND WILLIAMS AND DOUGIE ENTER

WILLIAMS [way too excited] This is the moment.

DOUGIE Boss, um, you said--

WILLIAMS Yeah, we got [checks] eight minutes. I was being dramatic. This is a very dramatic moment, Dougie.

DOUGIE Sorry boss.

WILLIAMS The vessel is prepared?

DEBRA The--? Oh, yes. All ready.

SOUND A SLIGHT SQUEAK

WILLIAMS Very nice. [impressed] Good stitching.

DEBRA [trying to sound happy] Thanks.

WILLIAMS So the time is nigh.

CURT Uncle? Got a moment? Can I ask you something? Like in private?

WILLIAMS One moment, yes.

CURT [low, confidential] You're not gonna have this poor chick whacked, are you?

WILLIAMS [not sincere] Whatever gave you that idea?

CURT Look, she's a nice lady. She's no danger to you - um, us.

WILLIAMS After tonight, no one's a danger to me.

CURT What's that mean?

WILLIAMS [chuckles]

SOUND CHUMMY SLAP ON THE BACK

CURT But--?

WILLIAMS [up, dramatic] And now for the final key to unlock eternity!

DEBRA [uncertain] Um, ok.

WILLIAMS Hold out your hands.

DEBRA [almost shaking with fear] Um, ok.

SOUND SOMETHING LARGE PULLED FROM A POCKET

DEBRA That's - whoa - heavy.

WILLIAMS The heart of Zalmoxis. Once it is sealed in his chest, at the right moment, he will rise!

DEBRA Now?

WILLIAMS No. 152 seconds left.

DEBRA Right. Can I put it down?

SOUND GUN DRAWN AND COCKED

DEBRA [gasps] What?

WILLIAMS Let's just call this insurance against you - [pointed] or anyone - trying to stop me this close to my goal!

DEBRA Uhhhh. What's... going to happen?

WILLIAMS [matter of fact] Zalmoxis will rise and take over the world, and I, being the one who brought him here, will be rewarded with power and glory.

DEBRA Oh, Ok. Just say when.

MOMENT OF SILENCE

WILLIAMS Put it in - I'm watching you! And then start stitching.

DEBRA Can someone hold the hole open? This takes both hands.

CURT Got it.

SOUND MOVEMENT NOISES AS THE HEART IS INSERTED

SOUND CAT SCREECH

WILLIAMS What the--?

SOUND GUNSHOT, CAT SCREECH

DEBRA Oh no!

CURT Here!

DEBRA Jeez, I almost dropped it!

WILLIAMS Damn cat. You done?

DEBRA Just a few stitches.

WILLIAMS You do that, I'll start the ceremony. [begins creepy chanting in the background]

CURT I told him you're ok. He don't need to kill you.

DEBRA Thanks. Can you put your finger, there?

CURT Oh, sure.

DEBRA Good.

SOUND SNIPS

DEBRA Done.

WILLIAMS Excellent! Rise!

SOUND RUSTLING NOISE

DEBRA Oh, jeez! It moved!

WILLIAMS He moved. Master!

DEBRA Um, Curt, is it--?

CURT Yeah. Yeah, it is.

SOUND ONE HEAVY FOOT ON GROUND, THEN A SECOND

WILLIAMS Master, is the vessel acceptable? It was made to all your specifications!

ZALMOXIS The vessel is [choking noise]

WILLIAMS What?

ZALMOXIS The vessel is--

SOUND SQUEAK, BUT DEEP AND SPOOKY LIKE HIS VOICE

WILLIAMS What's that?

CURT You didn't--?

SOUND KEY RING JINGLES

DEBRA Uh, yeah.

SOUND DEEP SQUEAK

ZALMOXIS No! Flawed! You must die!

WILLIAMS Master! [choking noises]

DOUGIE Boss?

CURT [whispered] We should go.

DEBRA Ya think?

SOUND SCURRYING OUT, SNATCHING UP A CASE ON THE WAY

[the argument recede as they leave]

WILLIAMS [choking] Get this thing off me!

DOUGIE Come on!

SOUND SLAM, DEEP SQUEAK

DOUGIE [gurgle as he smacks into wall]

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, OUTSIDE NOISES

DEBRA [breathless] Did wikipedia have anything to say about if the vessel was flawed?

CURT Uh, no. go on!

DEBRA But you?

CURT Meet you on the corner.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SOUND OF COMMOTION

MUSIC

DEBRA {making squeaking noises}

SOUND EXPLOSION

DEBRA Holy crow! [gasp, musing] There's a lot of flammable stuff in taxidermy.

CURT Nervous?

DEBRA [startled noise!]

CURT Track came in handy after all. [chuckles, then serious] I figured we shouldn't let it loose...

DEBRA [worried] My ...house?

CURT I'm thinking the dough--

SOUND PATS BRIEFCASE

CURT Is enough to start a new life on?

DEBRA [interested] Or ...two?

CURT [pleased] Yeah.

SOUND CAT MROW!

CLOSER

A town with a strange secret, ripe for the picking by three petty criminals. Sounds a bit too easy, doesn't it?

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Claude - Shawn Connor Lenny - Cole Hornaday Charlie - Risa Torres Host - Bob Noble Bank Teller - Beverly Poole Little Girl - Krystal Baker Waitress - Angela Kirby

Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?"

********************************************

AN HOUR TO KILL

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Claude, a thug

Lenny, a dumber thug

Charlie, Claude's greedy wife

Host

Bank Teller

Little Girl

Waitress

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING

LENNY [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal! It was Artie told me, and--

CLAUDE [resigned] And Artie's never wrong. Yeah, I know. [up] Whatchoo think, Charlie?

CHARLIE Zip it. I'm listening.

CLAUDE To what?

CHARLIE Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on. If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring.

LENNY [quiet] It's just over the hill, Claude. Hop skip and a jump.

CLAUDE [quiet] Good thing, too, Lenny. That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping.

LENNY [quiet] And jumping.

CLAUDE [chuckles halfhaertedly] So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking?

LENNY Yeah, he said it was real weird, but--

CHARLIE [upset] No! What is wrong with this world?

CLAUDE [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it?

CHARLIE Them on the other side, they turned it off!! And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else.

LENNY What a bum!

CLAUDE [undertone] Don't encourage her. [up] Can we talk normal now?

CHARLIE Makes no nevermind now.

CLAUDE Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week.

LENNY And Artie's never wrong!

CHARLIE [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint?

CLAUDE [snorts]

LENNY That ain't the point. He found the perfect score.

CHARLIE And he told you about it?

CLAUDE Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo. Artie never did like you much.

LENNY But he still likes Cherlie there just fine. I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves.

CHARLIE [cutesy] Really? That big a score, then? Artie might have something going for him after all. Maybe I shoulda married him.

CLAUDE You said you didn't like monkeys.

CHARLIE I was joking. Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband. Ugly guys don't run off so often.

LENNY Nobody wants 'em.

CHARLIE You would know.

CLAUDE [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job?

LENNY It's this town, see? He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep.

CLAUDE [snort] You're loopy. Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead.

LENNY No, he was serious - I could see it in his face.

CLAUDE The whole town?

LENNY Yeah!

CLAUDE And how does Artie know this?

LENNY He says he was there. Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again.

CLAUDE Why ain't he in there robbing the place?

LENNY Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years]

CLAUDE It makes no damn sense! Why would everybody fall asleep?

CHARLIE Maybe it's something in the water. Or get this-- [ramping up] Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!!

CLAUDE You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot. [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny.

LENNY Gotcha.

CHARLIE What can it hurt? If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see? We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage. If not... what's it gonna hurt?

CLAUDE What day's it supposed to be, Len?

LENNY Tomorrow. Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come!

CHARLIE And why pray tell not, ya big goon?

LENNY Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go. I think he wants you to come and visit him instead.

CLAUDE That's crazy talk. But you shouldn't come, babe. You'll just get in the way.

CHARLIE [incensed] I'll just WHAT?

CLAUDE I mean-- there might be guns. I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing.

CHARLIE They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep! Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour! [fades out] And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move!

LENNY [over her diatribe] But I promised Artie--

CLAUDE [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it. Trust me. Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more.

CHARLIE You hear me?

LENNY [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her.

MUSIC

AMB IN CAR

CLAUDE Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job?

LENNY It ain't - Artie is--

CHARLIE Stifle! If they don't sack out, you mean? In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way. Zat so hard to buy?

CLAUDE We gotta do something. This flivver's on its last legs.

CHARLIE There's always something.

LENNY You believe in magic, Charlie?

CHARLIE Like Houdini stuff? Hah! Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans.

LENNY But this--

CHARLIE [loud] BUT! Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny. It ain't polite! [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff. Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs. Ya know?

CLAUDE [amused hmph] Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie.

CHARLIE [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs.

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, RURAL

SOUND ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL

CLAUDE [relieved and tired] Finally. [sighs]

SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE

CHARLIE [already arguing] I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here! I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy?

CLAUDE [quiet] Oh, lord. [up, weary] What's the noise, sweetcheeks?

CHARLIE This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon.

CLAUDE Yer full up? Out here in the middle of squat all?

HOST [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me. I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette. We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first.

CLAUDE Warning us? Where's Lenny?

LENNY [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else.

CLAUDE Some help you are. You was saying, pops?

HOST [cheerful horror] It's the day we run the hogs.

CHARLIE That's disgusting!

CLAUDE Hold on, dearest. Let's hear the man out. Hogs, you say?

HOST Ayup. Local tradition. Them hogs gets loose all over the town. [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc. Tranple anything that moves, pretty much.

CLAUDE It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit?

HOST Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch. Don't want to call no attention to yerselves. [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways.

CLAUDE [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow. Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we.

HOST [a little too smug] One room or two?

CHARLIE Just get one. Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care.

HOST [chuckles]

CLAUDE Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for.

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN

CHARLIE Artie better damn well be right.

CLAUDE [hushed] Charlie! Keep it quiet.

LENNY [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town?

CLAUDE We get a new car--

LENNY How?

CLAUDE How'd we get the last one, pea-brain?

LENNY Oh, right. There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this.

CHARLIE The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks". Flapjacks, my eye. They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck.

CLAUDE Just enough time to case the place.

LENNY Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude?

CLAUDE Hmm. Nix on that. Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled.

CHARLIE Whaddaya mean? So what if someone suspects something?

CLAUDE You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither. They make our first digs look like the ritz.

CHARLIE [disgusted] Oh!

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE. RURAL

[note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth]

LENNY There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some--

CHARLIE Flapjacks? Puh-lease. We got more important things--

LENNY But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering.

CLAUDE [under his breath] Flapjabbering. [up] Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground. Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else.

CHARLIE Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later?

CLAUDE Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place.

CHARLIE In forty-five minutes. No more, you big moose!

LENNY No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks. Not for what I got on me.

SOUND WALKS AWAY

CLAUDE And you?

CHARLIE I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank.

CLAUDE Who'm I to argue?

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS

LENNY Hello?

SOUND FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS

WAITRESS Goodness! I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today!

LENNY Guess not. [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food?

WAITRESS Mercy, no! We been cooking all day! They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two. What you want?

LENNY Flapjacks?

WAITRESS [chuckles] You came to the right place. My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years. Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack.

SOUND DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES

WAITRESS [off some] You want some Java with that?

LENNY That'd be real nice.

SOUND DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS

WAITRESS Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split.

LENNY Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today?

WAITRESS Oh, yes. It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right?

LENNY Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel.

WAITRESS [a bit upset] Oh. "We?" Nevermind. You should stay inside, then. It ain't safe being out.

LENNY Oh, yeah, he said--

WAITRESS I mean, they're just frogs, right? But they are some vicious slimy little devils.

LENNY [baffled] Frogs?

WAITRESS Course. Every year they just fall from the sky. No one knows why. Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks. Be right back.

MUSIC

AMB OUTISDE

CLAUDE [undertone] Take a peep at the cadillac.

CHARLIE That brown heap?

CLAUDE Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored.

CHARLIE Who you calling a gob, you mug?

LITTLE GIRL [off] Hey lady? Would you like a kitten?

CLAUDE [[startled] Huh? Oh, Hello little girl. [really false hearty] No, thanks. No kittens for us. You have a real nice day, there.

CHARLIE [whispered] Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around? Apart from you, anyway, darling?

CLAUDE Watch yer language, there's a kid present.

CHARLIE She's probably heard it all.

CLAUDE People got manners out in the country. Here's the bank. Stick to the script, babe.

CHARLIE Have I ever done you wrong?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO

CLAUDE This is nice.

CHARLIE [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all!

CLAUDE We'll see, dearest.

TELLER Can I help you?

CHARLIE I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff.

CLAUDE [annoyed sigh] You do that. [hearty again] Hello. Sorry about that.

TELLER No problem, sir. What can I help you with?

CLAUDE We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here.

TELLER Do you have an account with our bank, sir?

CLAUDE No, I'm afraid I don't. We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami.

TELLER That's pretty far away.

CLAUDE Yeah.

TELLER That's going to have to go through my manager. He won't be back until this afternoon.

CLAUDE Really? Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here.

TELLER [strange] Are you over at the motel?

CLAUDE You bet.

TELLER Ohhh.

CLAUDE What?

TELLER Nothing. He'll be back in about four hours.

CLAUDE Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today?

TELLER [nervous] What do you-- whatever do you mean?

CLAUDE The clerk was telling us--

TELLER [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe!

CHARLIE [coming on] Safe? From--

TELLER THEM!

CLAUDE Them? The runners?

TELLER The ghosts.

CLAUDE AND CHARLIE WHAT?

TELLER I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death. I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today!

CHARLIE In the vault, eh?

TELLER Yes!

CLAUDE Wait a dang minute. Ghosts?

TELLER Yes. A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war. They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path!

CLAUDE Have you... seen the ghosts?

TELLER Of course not! I stay shut up tight!

CLAUDE Right. [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again] Well, maybe we'll see you later then. When your manager's back.

TELLER Okey-doke. You stay safe now!

MUSIC

SOUND EATING

SOUND [OFF] FEET APPROACH

CLAUDE [outside] wait til we--

CHARLIE What's that smell?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

CHARLIE You!

LENNY I brought you some!

CHARLIE I'm watching my figure, you mope!

CLAUDE More for me. Pass that.

LENNY Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too. She did it up right fine.

CHARLIE Don't eat so much you slow down! We'll leave you behind.

LENNY [talking around a mouthful] Oh, come on, they're real good.

CLAUDE [licking his fingers] They are. Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here--

LENNY You don't need to tell me, Claude! I heard all about--

CHARLIE The ghosts?

LENNY The what?

CLAUDE According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts.

LENNY That don't make no sense! There ain't no such things as ghosts.

CHARLIE But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour.

LENNY Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs.

CLAUDE Like frog frogs, or french folks?

LENNY Like ribbit, ribbit. They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible.

CHARLIE Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs.

CLAUDE Why would everyone have a different story?

CHARLIE Are you just a moron or what? They're all covering up! Anything to scare us who ain't part of it into keeping shut up for the time they all fall asleep, excepting that they forgot to get their damn story straight. I'd almost'a bought the one about the pigs, but FROGS?

LENNY And ghosts.

CHARLIE Oh, don't even.

CLAUDE It still feels hinky. Like we should--

SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR

CLAUDE Stifle. [up] Yes?

LITTLE GIRL [off] I have to tell you something!

LENNY That's some sneaky girl scout.

CLAUDE Shh! Just keep quiet!

SOUND DOOR OPENS

SOUND MEWING OF KITTENS

CLAUDE Yeah?

LITTLE GIRL I have to tell you this. You have to listen!

CLAUDE I'm listening, little girl. Watch out for your kittens, there.

LITTLE GIRL You don't get one.

CLAUDE Just tell me what you wanted to--?

LITTLE GIRL [solemn] In 15 minutes, the monsters come out. If you leave your rooms, they will eat you.

CLAUDE [almost laughs, stops himsefl] Monsters?

LITTLE GIRL Yes.

CLAUDE What kind of monsters?

LITTLE GIRL [exasperatied] The kind that eat people. I have to go home now.

CLAUDE Before the monsters get you?

LITTLE GIRL Oh, they won't get me. They'll be too busy chasing you.

SOUND SHE WALKS AWAY

CHARLIE Little street rat! Get her back here, I'll show her what for!

CLAUDE No! Let the kid go.

LENNY Claude? You think maybe she's right?

CLAUDE It's not like she'd make something up like that.

CHARLIE Someone told her to tell us.

CLAUDE The same someone who couldn't get their stories straight? That don't make no sense. There's something behind all this.

CHARLIE So what now, you want to give this all up and sit on your face like an ostrich or something?

CLAUDE I never said nothing like that. We should-- we just gotta keep our eyes open is all.

MUSIC

SOUND CLOCK CHIMES

CLAUDE Ready?

LENNY [a little shaky] Yeah.

CHARLIE Hmph. Yes.

CLAUDE Keep cool. If this is all some kind of joke, we need to be ready to act like there ain't nothing going on.

CHARLIE Keep your gun handy, Lenny, in case of frogs.

SOUND WALKS AWAY

LENNY [muttered] Same to you. I would say in case of pigs, but I know how you feel about family.

CLAUDE [almost laughs]

CHARLIE [sharp] What?

LENNY [trying to keep a straight face] Nuttin.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, PAPER CRACKLES

CLAUDE What's this?

CHARLIE Aah - Must be the bill. Give it. We can look it over later.

SOUND PAPER SHOVED INTO PURSE

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, BUT MUTED.

LENNY Weird, ain't it? Everything so quiet.

CHARLIE So everyone's gone to sleep. Or they're messing with us.

CLAUDE [shocked] No! Look at this!

LENNY Oh, gee! Think we should move her?

CHARLIE What are you--? Holy knots! The kid!

LENNY And all the kittens! Are they ok?

CLAUDE [grunt as he kneels] Well, I ain't gonna hold a mirror up to all them tiny little noses, but they look like they're just sleeping.

LENNY They're so cute - you shoulda took one.

CHARLIE Are you done yet?

LENNY Shouldn't we move her, though? What if the pigs hurt her?

CHARLIE Leave the stupid kid! She's the one decided to take a nap in the middle of the street. We got a bank waiting!

LENNY I'll-- I'll catch up to ya. I wanna lug the little tyke up onta the porch.

CHARLIE Aargh!!! [exasperated noise] Fine! Pick uppa car while you're at it, potater head!

MUSIC

SOUND BIG DOOR CREAKS QUIETLY OPEN

SOUND OUTDOOR NOISES, OFF SLIGHTLY; VOICES HAVE MODERATE ECHO

CLAUDE [whispering] The lights are all on.

CHARLIE Why are you whispering?

CLAUDE I still got that weird feeling about this - like it's all gonna turn out to be a big joke or something. There's a hook somewehres. There gotta be.

CHARLIE We'll ditch it when we see it. For now, let's go to work on that vault.

SOUND [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE

CLAUDE What was that?

CHARLIE [snide] Not a pig, for crying out loud. If you're so damn worried, shall we promenayde to the vault?

CLAUDE It was really - strange. I ain't never heard no animal like it before.

CHARLIE That just rules out the zoo and Mel Blanc. They're the only animals you ever heard in your whole stupid life.

SOUND [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE

CLAUDE I just wanna take a look, see if Lenny's coming.

CHARLIE Fergit him! I'm your wife - you should be here, lookin after me!

CLAUDE [sharp] Did you see that?

CHARLIE I see a grown man scared of some owl or something.

CLAUDE [on edge] No, there was this dark shape, went behind that buildign over there. Watch!

CHARLIE [putting her foot down] No! I want to go inside! [hissed] And I plan to lock the door, whatever side you happen to be on.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND RUSTLING

CLAUDE [calling quietly] Lenny? Zat you?

SOUND WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE

CLAUDE [gasp] Dammit Lenny!

SOUND RUSTLING NOISE, OFF RIGHT

SOUND GUN READIED

CLAUDE [moving right] Come out, whatever you are.

MOMENT OF SUSPENSE, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS

CLAUDE [gasp]

LENNY [gasp] What's wit the heater, Claude? I ain't done nuttin!

SOUND PUTTING GUN BACK

CLAUDE Nah, Lenny, it's-- did you hear something weird out there?

LENNY Birds. Something. I guess.

CLAUDE Charlie's inside. Come on.

LENNY Why do you put up with her?

CLAUDE What? We're married.

LENNY If she was my wife, I'd'a smacked her to kingdom come years ago - I wouldn'a been able to help myself.

CLAUDE I love her. [shrugs] And I hate her sometimes too. What can you do?

SOUND BIG DOOR STARST TO OPEN

SOUND [CLOSE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE

SOUND BOTH MEN TURN, DRAW GUNS

SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT AGAIN

LENNY That's the noise you was talking about?

CLAUDE Yeah. Shh. [whispered] Can you tell where it is?

LENNY Nuh-uh.

MOMENT OF JUST CAUTIOUS BREATHING, THEN

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN BEHIND THEM

LENNY and CLAUDE [gasp]

CHARLIE Get your keisters in here, you nitwits! Time's a-wasting!

MUSIC

AMB INSIDE BANK, ECHOEY

SOUND COMBINATION LOCK BEING TURNED

CHARLIE [whispered] Hurry!

LENNY [whispered] That ain't gonna help!

CLAUDE Zip it! I'm almost there!

SOUND A COUPLE OF CLICKS, HANDLE

CLAUDE [angry noise] Agh. Nope. Damn. Charlie, give me something to write on.

CHARLIE What do I look like, your secretary?

CLAUDE Just find me something, or I'm gonna forget the numbers I already got!

SOUND FEET GO OFF

SOUND ROOTING AROUND IN A PURSE

CHARLIE Here's some paper.

LENNY [coming back] I got a pencil from the desk. It's getting kind of dark outside.

CHARLIE Great - a storm.

CLAUDE Good thing you got that kid under cover. She don't need to catch penumonia.

CHARLIE Oh, listen to Mary Curry over here.

CLAUDE [sighs]

SOUND WRITING

SOUND DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE

CHARLIE What the hell?

CLAUDE That's what I've been trying to tell you about. Cept now it sounds like it's inside here with us.

CHARLIE Get that vault open, before they find us.

LENNY They? Don't you mean it?

CHARLIE It's got to be some sort of Okie joke. These hicks are messing with us.

SOUND CLOSER ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE

CHARLIE [shrieking] Get it open!

CLAUDE My hands won't stop shaking, Charlie. I can't concentrate--

CHARLIE I can NOT believe I am hearing this!

CLAUDE [voice rising to a yell] --and you ain't helping! SHUT UP!

CHARLIE huh! [affronted] Hmph.

CLAUDE [long deep breath, trying to calm down]

SOUND CLICKING of DIAL BEGINS

SOUND DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE

SOUND CLICKS TURN WILDLY

CLAUDE Yah!

LENNY [nervous, but trying to be helpful] I-I could go and look?

CLAUDE No, I think--

CHARLIE Yeah, you do that, knucklehead. Go and kick some heads on these nutballs.

CLAUDE [definitive] No.

SOUND DIAL TWIRLS QUICKLY

CLAUDE We're getting out of here.

CHARLIE [angry] Don't you chicken out on me now, Claude! [wheedling] Come, on baby! We're this close to the big score. I can taste it! The only thing in our way is this door.

SOUND ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE COMES AROUND CORNER, SKITTERING

LENNY And th-th-th-that! [a shriek] Them!

SOUND RUNNING FEET

MUSIC

ALL PANTING BREATHING IN A CLOSE SPACE

LENNY What the hell? What were they?

CLAUDE I dunno! All I saw was teeth and fur.

CHARLIE They're like shrews or something.

CLAUDE Nah, they was more teeth than anything else. Even shrews ain't like that. These ain't nothing natural.

CHARLIE Well they ain't ghosts, frogs, or pigs.

LENNY That just leaves monsters.

CHARLIE [after a beat] What?

LENNY The little girl, she said it was monsters.

SOUND SCRABBLIONG AT THE DOOR BEGINS, GETS LOUDER THROGUHOUT

LENNY Oh, holy crap!

CHARLIE Sounds like they're eating their way through!

CLAUDE And there ain't excatly a dozen ways out of this closet here.

CHARLIE There gotta be something! I ain't going out like this. Boost me up!

CLAUDE Boost?

CHARLIE I think I see something up there. Just like in gramma's attic.

CLAUDE [grunt of boosting] Lenny, give me a hand here, wouldja?

LENNY Yeah, here - uh! Careful! [he has a kitten in his coat]

BOTH [grunt as they push her up]

CHARLIE Yeah! I thought so!

SOUND GRIND OF WOOD SHIFTING

CHARLIE This probably goes to a roof access. [ugh! As she climbs up]

CLAUDE Don't kick! Damn!

LENNY Watch out! Uhhh!

SOUND HER SCRAMBLING STOPS

CHARLIE [calling down] Big help you two are. I see cracks of light - bet there's a vent and I can get out onto the roof.

CLAUDE And then what?

CHARLIE Well, they don't look much like climbers, do they? We can wait it out up there!

CLAUDE How the hell are we supposed to get up there?

LENNY Whatever we do, we better do it quick! Sounds like they're getting through!

CLAUDE Here, I'll boost you.

LENNY Nah, Claude - If you get killed, then I'm alone with her, and I can't take that.

CLAUDE You dumbo!

LENNY Besides, you can pull me up better. Okay?

CLAUDE Let's do this.

SOUND GRUNST, RUSTLES, THUMPS

CLAUDE [long grunt, pulling himself up]

SOUND MOVES UP TO THEM ABOVE

SOUND DISTANT WOOD CRACKING

LENNy [distant] Claude? Come on! My turn! [continues under]

CHARLIE oh, Claude! [kisses him]

CLAUDE MMm! [surprised, but enjoying the kiss]

SOUND WOOD QUIETLY SHIFTED, LENNY CUTS OUT

CLAUDE What was that for?

CHARLIE Just happy.

LENNY [off, screams!!!]

CLAUDE shit! You closed the hatch!

CHARLIE It's too late for him!

LENNY [Scream cuts out]

CLAUDE How could you do that?

CHARLIE If I didn't you woulda died wit him! I'm protecting you, ya bastard.

CLAUDE Where's this damn vent?

CHARLIE Say you love me.

CLAUDE There it is.

CHARLIE What the hell's gotten into you?

CLAUDE You're my wife, and I'll get you out--

CHARLIE Out of what?

CLAUDE Out of here. Out of this town. But don't expect to ever see me again after that.

CHARLIE [freaked] Cluade? How can you even--

SOUND KICKING OUT THE VENT

MUSIC

AMB OUTISDE

CLAUDE [cold] Give me your hand.

CHARLIE [meek] all right, Claude.

SOUND SCRABBLING

CLAUDE and Charlie [grunt as he pulls her up onto the roof]

CLAUDE [breathing hard with exertion] [runs his hand over his face]

CHARLIE You still got the combination? Just in case?

CLAUDE I don't even care no more.

CHARLIE Can I see it?

CLAUDE No. Where's that pencil? Ah.

SOUND PAPER RUSTLES

CHARLIE What're you doing?

CLAUDE Writing my will.

CHARLIE Will? What you got to leave?

CLAUDE I dunno, but there must be something I can-- whoa.

CHARLIE What?

CLAUDE Where'd you get this paper?

CHARLIE That? Oh I think that was the note on our door.

CLAUDE Damn.

CHARLIE What?

CLAUDE This woulda been good to know. "So sorry to put you in harm's way, but the boggins is hungry, and if it ain't an outsider, then it's someone in town, and we can't have that. But we did warn you, as tradtion demands, and you had every chance to leave. Thank you for staying!"

CHARLIE So it must be over, right?

CLAUDE Are you flapping your lips for a reason?

CHARLIE [whine] Claude! The note makes it sound like it's just one they need. One outsider. So Lenny--

CLAUDE [cold, hard] You need to shut your trap. Now.

CHARLIE [sweetie again] You gonna forgive me, arentcha?

CLAUDE [not quite sure] No.

CHARLIE Oh, come on, Claudie. We're better off, ain't we? Just you and me, like the old days?

LENNY You want old days, I was his friend first.

CHARLIE [gasps]

SOUND SHE LOSES HER BALANCE A BIT, FEET SLOWLY APPROACH

CLAUDE Len! [pleased] I'll be damned! What... happened? It sounded like--

LENNY [freaked out] They were...everywhere. I dunno why they didn't just take me down. They took some chunks out of me, man, but they... stopped.

SOUND MONSTER NOISES START SNEAKING IN, UNDER

CHARLIE [insincere] What a relief!

LENNY Don't you start! I heard everything.

CLAUDE Can you forgive me, Lenny?

LENNY Yeah, probably. Jeez I hope Peahces is OK.

SOUND UNZIP WIDNBREAKER

CLAUDE What?

LENNY You think we're safe up here?

CHARLIE [spiteful again] Apparently, you're safe anywhere. Must taste bad.

LENNY Oh, look, he's still asleep.

CLAUDE [laughing a little] A kitten? You took you a kitten?

CHARLIE You did what? You are SUCH a shit-for-brains.

LENNY Leave off, Charlie, or I swear I will--

SOUND NOW BECOMING OBVIOUS, THE MONSTERS ARE DOWN BELOW

CLAUDE Shh! It's those things!

CHARLIE The shrews?

CLAUDE Whatever they are.

CHARLIE Can you see them?

CLAUDE The roof slopes wrong, I can't get close enough to get a look down.

CHARLIE Well, crawl out there! Surely you don't expect me to do it!

LENNY I can't leave Peaches.

CHARLIE Peaches?

SOUND SNATCH, THUMP AS SHE THROWS THE KITTEN AT A WALL

CHARLIE [uh! As she throws] There's your damn Peaches.

LENNY Peaches!!

SOUND SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF

LENNY You killed him! He was justa baby kitten! He never din't do nothing to you!

CHARLIE Stop bawling and start helping!

LENNY I'll help. Yeah, I know what I can do to help.

SOUND MOVING CLOSER

LENNY [unh! Shoving]

CHARLIE Lenny? What are you doing? Ahh!!! Claude!

LENNY Stay back, Claude.

CLAUDE I'm just a bit too damn tired to stop you.

CHARLIE Claude?!? Ahhhhhhhhh [scream as she goes off the roof]

SOUND ROAR OF MONSTERs, grinding chewing

CHARLIE [Horrible screaming.]

LENNY [calm again] Sorry you had to see that.

SOUND MONSTER NOISES DISSIPATE

CLAUDE Sorry about your Peaches, Lenny. We'll get you another kitten.

LENNY Okay. [pause] Claude? Let's not get you another wife, though, okay?

SOUND CLOCK CHIMES 1 O'CLOCK

CLOSER

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

__________________

LENNY Funny thing, though - Why'd Artie tell me about this?

CLAUDE I have a feeling he... well... meant for us to come to a bad end.

LENNY But he carries a torch for Charlie!

CLAUDE Yup. And he said she shouldn't come.

LENNY Oh! [musing] Artie's never...wrong.

_________________

CLAUDE If anybody who's asleep is safe, I think maybe Peaches saved your life. By sleeping.

LENNY [wailing] Peaches!!!

CLAUDE Lenny, just hold on to the good times.

THE END

So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

******************************************

Cast List Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fleet - Chris Stockett Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen Juniper - Chris Stockett Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts Goose Gander - Mark Olson TV News - Suzanne Dunn Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson Woodcutter - Justin Cop 1 - Graciespoppy Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts Trainer - Graciespoppy Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck Bartender - James Keeley Woman1 - Sara Falconer Woman2 - Angela Kirby Stumpy - Brody Walker Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson

Music by Footage Firm, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an alley, can't you tell?"

*********************************

Hot Ginger Bread

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Woodcutter, the stoolie

Cop1 and cop2

Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop

Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear

Goose Gander, affirmative action detective

B.O. Wulf, other tough cop

Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives

Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel

Fleet, Ginger's head man

Senator Rapunzel

Mysterious stranger

Shallott, internal affairs

TV News

Trainer

Other gingerbread men

Maitre d'

Bartender (frog)

Woman1

Woman2

Juniper Fell

Rumplestiltskin

ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS?

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell?

1_OPENING TAG

MUSIC - FUNK!!!!!

SOUND RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC. POLICE WHISTLES

COP1 [distant] Stop! Police!

WOODCUTTER Nuh-uh!

SOUND GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH

WOODCUTTER [triumphant] Oh yeah!

SOUND FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN

WOODCUTTER [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz.

SOUND GUN COCKS

COP2 [snide] What was that?

WOODCUTTER Oh... uh... [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent?

2_GRETAL

MUSIC SCENE WIPE [gym]

SOUND PUNCHING BAG

WULF Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew?

GRETAL [exerting] Nah, Wulf. Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle.

WULF [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass.

GRETAL 'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap. Needed to cool down a bit first.

SOUND PUNCHING STOPS

GRETAL Hear you gotta new partner. What happened to Canute? You guys were joined at the badge.

WULF [grumpy] New inefficiency program. Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet. Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car.

GRETAL Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield. [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future.

WULF [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla. You cooled yet?

GRETAL Nah, a few more--

TRAINER [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal?

GRETAL [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done.

WULF Good luck. And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes.

GRETAL Words to live by.

3_HANSEL

MUSIC SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE]

CAPTAIN [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute. [back to phone] I specifically said 3:00 and it's now--

SOUND RAP ON THE DOOR

CAPTAIN Never mind.

SOUND HANGS UP PHONE

CAPTAIN [grumpy] Get in here, Gretal!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER

CAPTAIN Shut the door.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY

GRETAL What did I do this time? If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs. They all did. Ask anyone.

CAPTAIN No, it's --

GRETAL Oh, I got it. The fish is talking again?

CAPTAIN NO! Sit down and listen!

GRETAL Right.

SOUND CHAIR

CAPTAIN [suspicious] What was this about a fish?

GRETAL [too quick] Nothing.

CAPTAIN Then never mind... for the moment. I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry. You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts?

GRETAL Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner.

CAPTAIN Not yet.

GRETAL I work better on my - what?

CAPTAIN New directive, straight from the Keep. Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

GRETAL You know no one can keep up with me! I have the highest manacle rating in homicide! Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family.

CAPTAIN Your record does speak for itself.

GRETAL Frankly, the goat was tougher.

CAPTAIN But with the recent corruption issues--

GRETAL [horrified] Captain! You can't think I'm dirty! I even play fair with pattycakes.

CAPTAIN Fair, yes. But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms. Too many cops without adequate oversight.

GRETAL Oversight? I'll show you oversight!

CAPTAIN And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop.

GRETAL Damn straight!

CAPTAIN Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss.

GRETAL I--! [beat] Fine.

CAPTAIN Good. Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer--

GRETAL Thor?

CAPTAIN [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick. So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice. Which means you do as you're told.

GRETAL How long?

CAPTAIN Til "they're" done. Whenever that may be.

GRETAL [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf? At least we see eye-to-eye on--

CAPTAIN "Necessary force"? Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP".

GRETAL Crimes against Pattycakes? Seriously? [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme?

VIC [gentle cough] Don't worry. I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone.

GRETAL [whirling, annoyed] What the--? [to captain] You never said--!

CAPTAIN And you never gave me a chance. Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel.

VIC It's a... pleasure.

GRETAL [ignoring him] You're not transferring me? Please tell me we're not--

CAPTAIN You're not going to be CAP, no.

GRETAL [to Vic] Hah. Looks like you traded up.

CAPTAIN You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice.

GRETAL Oh, hell no.

4_WITCH

MUSIC WIPE [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC]

SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

GINGER Yes?

STRANGER [disguised mechanized voice] Woodcutter is turning woodlark.

GINGER The hell you say.

STRANGER The guard has him under wraps. Not even booked yet.

GINGER Narco?

STRANGER No. They have not been informed.

GINGER How did you find all this out?

STRANGER A Little pixie told me. Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me?

GINGER Very good. You'll have it by the end of the week.

SOUND HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM

FLEET [deep voice] Yeah, boss?

GINGER Fire up the ovens, Fleet. Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men.

5_BAR

MUSIC CUT TO BAR

T.V. NEWS In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land.

WULF Turn it off.

GRETAL Nah, leave it. Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did.

T.V. NEWS Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony.

WULF That sucks.

GRETAL [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life. They shouldn't take this crap out on him.

WULF He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he?

GRETAL Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs.

BARTENDER [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs?

GRETAL [dismissive noise]

T.V. NEWS The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months.

VIC A lot could happen in two months.

GRETAL [completely startled] Oh crap! Where the gilliken did you come from?

VIC I've been here for a while. [to B.O.] Hi!

WULF Uh, hi.

VIC Introduce us?

GRETAL Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel. Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf. We just call him B.O.

VIC Gotcha.

T.V. NEWS Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings...

WULF [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too? We could play a hand of poker. Start a bowling league?

T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice.

GRETAL [resigned sigh] No.

VIC Sorry. Didn't realize I was intruding. But we -um- just got a call.

T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could.

GRETAL [to bartender] One more!

BARTENDER [croaky] Coming right up.

SOUND SPLASH

VIC Should you--?

GRETAL Definitely.

T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog. Now I am ashamed. Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window.

6_ASSIGNMENT

SOUND RESTAURANT

MAITRE D' [french and very sneery] Two? You?

VIC Inspectors. Checking fire escapes. Just passing through.

MAITRE D' Oui oui. I see.

SOUND THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY

GRETAL [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here?

VIC Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in--

SOUND DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST

WOMAN1 So I said to him - oh yeah? You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world!

WOMAN2 You didn't!

SOUND WOMEN ARE GONE

GRETAL Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you.

MIRROR [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke.

GRETAL The ladies room? We're meeting a contact in the ladies room? AND it sounds like a guy.

VIC Check and see if there's anyone else in there.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MIRROR If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I?

GRETAL Holy crap. Get in here Vic.

SOUND FEET ENTER

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

GRETAL This is Shallott of Internal Affairs.

MIRROR Oh? Have we met before?

GRETAL Lock it.

SOUND LATCH CLICKS

GRETAL I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me.

MIRROR Whomever.

GRETAL WHATever. And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup.

VIC So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror?

MIRROR Potayto - potahto. For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you. And I know your uncle, who vouches for you.

VIC Who?

GRETAL [vehement] SHHH!

MIRROR And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks.

VIC I--

MIRROR You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got.

GRETAL [half pleased, half disgusted] Really?

VIC Jumping Cow!

MIRROR And that's why this can't go through regular channels.

GRETAL B-but... Captain Meisterburger?

MIRROR This is not a gossip session. This is a briefing. Good. A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago.

GRETAL Figures. [knowing] Them woodcutters.

MIRROR He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person. We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice. We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house.

MOMENT OF SILENCE

VIC Gingerbread house?

GRETAL no offence, but where do you come into it?

VIC Ginger bread house?

MIRROR We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back. Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me. Not the Captain, not your best friend.

VIC [louder] Gingerbread house?

MIRROR [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet.

VIC [annoyed] I have so--!

MIRROR Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it--

GRETAL [smug] whomever.

MIRROR This new cartel is making money faster than Midas. They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle.

VIC And the house?

MIRROR Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens. We need to find it. If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down.

GRETAL Hmph. And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job.

MUSIC

7_BONFIRE

AMB IN CAR

GRETAL You CAN tell me where we're going.

SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP

VIC [distracted] No, that's ok. Turn left.

GRETAL That wasn't a hint, it was a demand.

VIC Huh?

SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP

GRETAL My car. My rules. Where are we meeting this troll?

VIC He's a woodcutter, not a troll.

GRETAL [warning] AND...?

VIC He's being kept in a safe house.

SOUND CAR STARTS AGAIN

GRETAL Hah. You mean a dive motel near the Shoe.

VIC How did you know?

GRETAL Educated guess. I've worked protection a few times.

SOUND A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST

VIC [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters?

GRETAL Bad lot. Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations. Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again.

SOUND CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE

GRETAL Let me guess. That's the place?

SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP

VIC Uhhh... [down] yeah.

8_ELUSIVE

MUSIC

AMB OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE

GRETAL Humph. They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe. Big money always survives.

VIC Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of.

GRETAL Come on. If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone.

VIC I'm not so sure. Let's walk a perimeter.

SOUND THEY START WALKING

GRETAL A Perimeter? Fancy talk. Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter.

VIC I did have a life before C-A-P. And Pattycakes are simple. Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well.

GRETAL It's those big round faces. Wide innocent eyes. Not much to hide behind.

VIC That, and they just don't see the point. Simple doesn't mean stupid.

SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS

GRETAL [hushed rushed] Hold on. Something up ahead.

SOUND GUN DRAWN

SOUND SHE WALKS SLOWLY

SOUND VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY

SOUND SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY.

GRETAL Come on!

SOUND RUNNING!

SOUND CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB

GRETAL Damn damn damn!

SOUND HITS FENCE

SOUND VIC RUNS UP

VIC Come on, he's not too far--

GRETAL No.

VIC But we can get him!

GRETAL That's a no go zone. See the sign?

VIC Rampion Limited?

GRETAL Yeah. Very private property. Dammit!

SOUND HITS FENCE

SOUND DOG STARTS BARKING

SOUND ALARM GOES OFF

GRETAL [sarcastic and bitter] Yeah. That's put a shoe in the loaf.

9_HOME AGAIN

SOUND OFFICE

SOUND HAND SLAMS DOWN

CAPTAIN What have you got to say for yourselves?

GRETAL [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in.

CAPTAIN Why were you even in that part of town?

VIC [very smooth] Anonymous tip. Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use.

GRETAL [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah.

CAPTAIN [starting low and building to a loud growl] If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when my officers think they're smarter than I am!

GRETAL [quiet, but getting it] Oh hell. [up, belligerent] Captain, I don't think I'm smarter than you. Just tougher and more in tune with the street.

VIC Wait! Wait! We can work this out!

CAPTAIN [angry low rumble] The hell you say?

GRETAL [nearly yelling] The Pied Piper could stroll back into town playing a mazurka and it would take you and three blind mice to find him!

VIC Let's talk calmly about this--

CAPTAIN [to vic] SHUT UP!

GRETAL [to vic] SHUT UP!

CAPTAIN Give me your gun and shield. You're suspended.

GRETAL Fine.

SOUND RUSTLE, CLANK.

VIC Wait - I -

SOUND GRETAL STORMS OUT

VIC What ...just happened?

CAPTAIN Ask your damn partner.

MUSIC

A1_CAUSE OF DEATH

AMB HALLWAY

SOUND ELEVATOR PINGS, SLIDES CLOSED

VIC Hold it!

SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR STOPPED

GRETAL What?

SOUND VIC GETS IN, HITS BUTTON, DOOR SHUTS

VIC What was all that?

GRETAL hah. He started it.

VIC [concerned] So... what will you do now?

GRETAL Hmm? Oh, go to the morgue.

VIC Uh.... why?

GRETAL See Juniper. Find out what happened at the fire.

VIC But... you're suspended.

GRETAL [shrug] We only need your badge to get around.

MUSIC

AMB GINGER'S OFFICE

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GINGER Ah, Fleet. How comes the army?

FLEET Fifteen more, [clears throat] though one stuck and ... and lost part of an arm.

GINGER [furious] Who's responsible?

FLEET [cowering] It was an accident! Um, uh - not enough butter!

GINGER [vicious, but calming] See that it doesn't happen again.

FLEET Yes Ma'am.

GINGER Are they all ready to run?

FLEET [important] It's what we're made for.

MUSIC

AMB MORGUE

SOUND DOOR OPENS

JUNIPER [squawky voice] Stay out!

GRETAL Is that any way to talk to detectives?

JUNIPER Oh, it's you. Fine. But I'm in the middle of a post mortem.

GRETAL Aw, crap...

VIC Interesting. Do we get to see a body?

GRETAL Hell no.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SOMETHING BEING WHEELED OUT.

GRETAL Hey Juney. We're here about the dead Woodcutter.

JUNIPER Why am I not surprised?

VIC Can we see the body?

GRETAL [aside] Shut up. [to Juney] What can you tell us about how he got dead?

JUNIPER Aren't you suspended?

GRETAL Yesss... Show him your badge, Hansel.

JUNIPER Aawk. I know you're good for it. How's your uncle doing?

GRETAL [forced joviality] Hey Vic, maybe you can take a look at the vic's - uh, victim's - belongings.

JUNIPER Dr. Fell will take you through.

FELL [grumpy humph] Come on. Moron.

SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS

GRETAL Pattycakes? Even here?

JUNIPER Where else will they get to practice? Dead folks are notoriously unbiased. Now. How is your uncle?

GRETAL Taking it hard, I guess. Haven't really had a chance to check in.

JUNIPER [squawk of sympathy]

GRETAL [shaking it off] So? Woodcutter?

JUNIPER Didn't die in the fire. The other bodies found with him had inhaled smoke - not him.

GRETAL Someone killed him and set it to hide their tracks?

JUNIPER Speculation, but sound. When you look over his things, get a whiff and tell me if you smell--

FELL [from off] Aw hell!

GRETAL Crap.

SOUND FEET, SLAMS OPEN DOOR

GRETAL [disgusted] Aw, Vic, what are you doing?

VIC [calm] Just wanted to see a corpse. [shrug noise]

GRETAL Get a good whiff and then c'mon. we're leaving.

MUSIC

SOUND IN CAR

VIC Do you mind if I smoke?

GRETAL Roll down the window. A pipe?

VIC Bad habit. Picked it up while undercover with Old King Cole.

SOUND MATCH, LIGHTING

GRETAL Am I going to have to bust you on a narco tip?

VIC [laughs, then changes the subject] I've never met a coroner before. Are they generally large birds?

GRETAL You'd be surprised. Juniper's cousin covers the next duchy over.

VIC Juniper?

GRETAL His real name is something unpronounceable in bird talk - so we call him Juniper. For the tree he lives in. Don't sell him short. He's a dab hand at spotting any kind of hanky panky.

VIC Ah. And you call him Juney?

GRETAL [evasive] He's an old friend of the family.

VIC [knowing] Ah.

GRETAL [quickly, covering] What did you find out? [disgusted] Apart from it smells like barbecue.

VIC Actually, the smoke had an entirely different tang to it. Something sickly sweet. Can't quite put my finger on it.

GRETAL Ew. How can you be so calm?

VIC [defensive] Just am. [quickly changing the subject] I found two potential clues in his stuff, though.

GRETAL Go on.

VIC He had a white pebble stuck in his shoe, and a pocketful of bread crumbs.

GRETAL [disdainful snort] Huh. Toast.

VIC I don't think so. If I'm correct, I recognize the bread - a special brand of coarse sourdough ...popular with pattycakes.

MUSIC

AMB ST. IVES, THE PATTYCAKE QUARTER

SOUND JUMPROPE RHYME LIKE CHANTING IN THE BACKGROUND, CROWD

GRETAL Figures. St. Ives is the center of most of the city's crime.

VIC [annoyed, but quiet] And 90% of it is run by Proseys.

GRETAL [sharp] What did you say?

VIC Nothing. Just that crime hides here, it doesn't always start here.

GRETAL So YOU say.

VIC You can think whatever you want, but let me do the talking.

GRETAL Yeah, whatever.

VIC This is my beat. [a little down] Was. Don't worry. My best contact isn't someone you'll have to rhyme to.

MUSIC

RUMPY You want WHAT?

VIC You know, and I know, that you know everything and everyone, Mr. Stiltskin.

RUMPY You know I've been getting out of the game, Hansel. Too old.

SOUND HAND SLAMMED ON TABLE

GRETAL [pissed] Look! Can you or can't you tell us where to find this Gingerbread house?

VIC Gretal!

RUMPY [unruffled] It's not so much a question of can I, but rather will I or won't I. What's in it for me?

GRETAL Public spirit?

RUMPY [laughs]

VIC Same old. I'll owe you one, and you've cashed in plenty of my markers before.

RUMPY And all you want me to do is get you to the center of operations for the biggest dope ring in town?

GRETAL Yeah. Peanuts.

RUMPY How's your friend Wulf adjusting to his new partner there, [very deliberately, hinting something] Miss Gretal?

VIC Hmm?

GRETAL [worried, but not sure] Dunno. Haven't had a chance to -- [breaks off, annoyed again] What are you insinuating?

RUMPY Nothing, nothing... [thinking noise] Tell you what, I'll make a few calls, see what I can find out. Meet me behind the Cutlery Café in an hour.

VIC Good.

SOUND FEET, DOOR, AS THEY LEAVE HIM

GRETAL [snort] You trust him?

VIC He's very good.

GRETAL And you're not afraid he's gonna do something stupid.

VIC [oddly hollow] I'm not afraid at all. [up] Should we report to Shallott? Maybe we should pick up a hand mirror to keep in touch.

GRETAL Don't work like that. Has to be a certain size and quality. Why d'you think bathroom mirrors are so crappy?

VIC Ah.

MUSIC

SOUND ALLEY

GRETAL I see alleys are the same all over.

VIC Yes.

GRETAL Why's it called the cutlery café? Got a lot of sharp cheddar on the menu?

VIC [slight laugh] Nah. The dish and the spoon who run it just like alliteration.

GRETAL [annoyed sigh] [suddenly up, gasp] Did you hear something?

SOUND DISTANT CRUNCH OF A FOOTSTEP, VERY QUIET

VIC No... [long sniff, then realizing] THAT's what I smelled.

GRETAL What?

SOUND ATTACK - PEOPLE RUNNING INTO ALLEY!

VIC [with horror] Gingerbread!

SOUND BIG SCUFFLE

SOUND THUMP

MUSIC FADES IN AS THEY WAKE UP

GINGER EVIL CHUCKLE

GRETAL [waking up, grunt, oww!!!]

VIC [weak] Lay still. Breathe.

GINGER I don't like cops, do I, Fleet?

FLEET [deep creepy chuckle] No, Boss.

GINGER Except ones that I own...

VIC [calm, curious] I'm guessing we're not the first ones you've... entertained here? [hinting for her name] Miss...?

GRETAL What are you--?

VIC Shh.

GINGER [pleased, superior] Just call me Ginger. What makes you ask?

VIC Well... I assume this big metal cage isn't something you just had lying around.

GINGER [big throaty sexy laugh] Good point. But I might not use it exclusively for police.

VIC Let me guess. Business rivals? People who owe you money? [very knowing] Boy toys? Tough Cookies?

GINGER [snappish and annoyed] I'll leave you to ponder that. Fleet?

FLEET Boss?

GINGER Did you get their weapons?

FLEET [whispered] no fingers, boss.

GINGER Damn. Take this--

SOUND SNATCHES UP SOMETHING FROM THE DESK, HANDS IT OVER

GINGER --and cover them while I disarm them. [muttering to self as she crosses to he cage] ...really need to perfect that recipe.

VIC There's always prosthetics.

GINGER What?

VIC You could make hands that mount onto their arms.

GINGER Hmm....

GRETAL Don't help the crime boss!

GINGER Hand over your weapons. You can't shoot between the bars anyway. Magic.

GRETAL Why I oughtta--!

VIC Just do it. That frosted maniac may not have fingers, but I suspect that shotgun was made for his kind.

FLEET You bet.

GRETAL Hell.

SOUND GUN HANDED OVER

GINGER And yours.

VIC Here.

GINGER Hmph. [insulting] Kind of... small.

VIC I spend a lot of time undercover.

GINGER Hmph. Okay Fleet, round up the troops.

FLEET [plaintive] I don't get to kill them?

GINGER Maybe later. Maybe just her. [as she leaves] I might keep him around, give him a taste of the product - fatten him up a bit.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

VIC AND GRETAL [sigh in relief]

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GINGER [from off] Leave Stumpy to guard them. Make him earn his keep.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ENTER

GRETAL [musing] I don't think I'll ever eat a Gingerbread man again. [hushed, but to Vic] Nice mess we're in. Your contact set us up.

VIC [shrug] He only promised to get us in. And ...he did.

GRETAL Count your fingers, toes and your children?

VIC Kinda. But he's usually a bit more ... self-serving.

GRETAL I think I can reach the lock. Got anything I can pick it with?

VIC Nothing.

GRETAL Well Dammit.

STUMPY Shut up in there!

VIC We'll just have to wait.

GRETAL [thinks, sigh of decision, then angry] If there is ONE thing I cannot stand, it's your defeatist attitude!

VIC [baffled by the sudden attack] What?

GRETAL It's like I have to do everything in this damn partnership!

STUMPY I said shut up! Or I'll shut you up!

VIC [getting it] Oh! [angry sounding, but not too convincing] Oh yeah? Well, if you would just take a minute to think instead of running ahead like a... like a ...

GRETAL Bull in a china shop?

VIC No, a--

GRETAL Giant round of cheese, rolling downhill and crushing all in my path?

VIC No! a --

STUMPY [very close] Juggernaut of disaster?

VIC No!

GRETAL Who cares? I'm going to kill you, and there's nothing this - this one-armed bandit can do to stop me!

SOUND SCUFFLE

VIC [not very convincing in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow!

STUMPY Boss said to take care of him.

SOUND CAGE DOOR UNLOCKS

STUMPY Not you.

GRETAL [whisper] On three!

VIC [whisper] right! [up] Ow! You're killing me!!

GRETAL I'm going to tear you in three - One, Two, Three!

SOUND GUNSHOT, CRACKING OF BROKEN GINGERBREAD

GRETAL What? Where'd you get a gun?

VIC I never gave it up. Is it "dead"?

GRETAL Not sure where to look for a pulse on a Gingerbread man. But he has gone all floppy.

VIC Seems logical. All the same, let's lock him in.

SOUND FEET, CAGE DOOR LOCKS

SOUND BIG DOOR OPENING SLOWLY

SOUND DISTANT GUNSHOTS

VIC What do you think that is?

WULF [DISTANT ATTACK ROAR]

GRETAL [chuckle, very pleased] The cavalry.

MUSIC

SOUND BIG OVEN FIRE, CLOSE

SOUND [OFF] FOOTSTEPS COMING

GINGER Damn. Fleet! Keep them back!

FLEET Right. Men!

SOUND SHOTGUNS COCK

MUSIC

CUT TO OUT IN HALL

GRETAL Do you still hear Wulf back there?

VIC No.

WULF [DISTANT GROWLY ROAR]

VIC Yes. Still far, though.

GRETAL Damn. We may have that witch nailed down in the baking room, but with just us, and just your gun, we don't have a hope of taking her in.

VIC I see.

GRETAL How did you get your gun back anyway?

VIC Later. Did you see how many of her gingerbread minions she has with her?

GRETAL Half a dozen maybe. They all kinda look alike.

VIC Take the gun. I have an idea.

MUSIC

OVEN ROOM

GINGER Did you see how many of them there were?

FLEET No, boss. Just heard guns, and rushed you in here, as per evacuation plan 7--

SOUND SPRINKLERS COME ON

FLEET Noooooooooo!

OTHER GB MEN [horrified reaction] Not the sprinklers!

GINGER Damn! I knew there was a reason I meant to have those replaced!

SOUND FLOPS AND SPLASHES AS THE MEN FALL APART

SOUND DOOR KICKED IN

GRETAL Hands up! You're under arrest, witch!

GINGER Never!

SOUND OPENS HUGE OVEN

GINGER You'll never take me alive, coppers!

VIC Here comes Wulf!

GRETAL Step away from the oven!

GINGER [laughs maniacally, then screams as she steps into the oven]

GRETAL Oh crap! I can't believe she --

VIC Don't get too close!

SOUND FIRE WHOOSHES UP

MUSIC

SOUND BAR

VIC How did you happen to show up at the right moment, anyway?

WULF A snitch.

VIC [knowing] Should I guess his name?

WULF Slipped a word to us.

GRETAL Us? Oh, right, your new partner.

WULF Gander's a well made sword. Cut a righteous swath of his own against those crusty fellows.

GRETAL Where is he?

VIC Here he comes.

GANDER Thought I'd grab drinks for all us here; Hope everybody wants a beer.

SOUND SETTING DOWN DRINKS

WULF Sit down! You're a warrior, not a wife!

GRETAL [a little brusque] Beer's good. Thanks.

VIC How are you finding detective work?

GANDER Oh... The work is interesting, fine. And they'll get used to me in time.

VIC I'm sure they will.

GRETAL [Gulps down her beer] We gotta get going.

SOUND THEY WALK AWAY

CAPTAIN Just the two I was looking for.

GRETAL Oh boy.

CApTAIN They got the oven shut down.

GRETAL And?

VIC May I guess?

CAPTAIN Uh, sure.

VIC No body.

CAPTAIn They think maybe it was hot enough--

GRETAL To destroy the corpse? Nah. It was her escape route. Shoulda known. She went in too easily.

CAPTAIn Watch your back, Gretal. Hansel, you too. Oh, and...

SOUND METAL CLINK

CAPTAIN You probably need this.

GRETAL Always a pleasure. Feel naked without it.

MUSIC

AMB CAR

VIC You need to cut that guy some slack.

GRETAL Who?

VIC The new guy.

GRETAL Who died and made you wise woman?

VIC He just walks up and you start edging toward the door.

GRETAL [growls] My problem, not yours.

VIC We are partners now. Su problemo es mi problemo.

GRETAL Whatever. [changing the subject] So? The gun? How'd you still have it when we were locked up?

VIC Oh that. I never gave it up.

GRETAL But that witchy boss chick?

VIC Gave her my pipe instead.

GRETAL And she couldn't tell the difference?

VIC I noticed she was very nearsighted. [tsks] These vain women - afraid glasses will ruin their looks.

*****************************

Paul and Donna are hired by Prince Waldo Charming to find his lost love - his only clue? A shoe.

Cast List Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Goldy Taylor - Rhys Torres-Miller Prince Waldo - Morgan Brown Alexander - Will Watt Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Miss Barbara - Robert Cudmore (YAP Audio) Espadrille - Reynaud LeBoeuf

Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office in a time sort of like the 1940s, can't you tell?"

********************************************

PUMPS AND SPECTATORS - B&B Investigates, episode 2

Cast:

Announcer

Donna Bella

Paul Bette

Goldy Tailor - secretary

Prince Waldo Charming

Baron Alexander/Cindy

Espadrille gruff "stepsister"

Barbara, housemother/fairy godmother

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a Detective Agency, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP

GOLDY B&B Investigations, may I help you? [beat, then turns belligerent] Look, it ain't gonna happen. ... No. Because the boss don't help no one find tarts. Nope. Never.

SOUND HANGS UP

DONNA Another missing good time girl?

GOLDY Nahhh. Queen of hearts. Ya know.

DONNA Oh. Patticakes. Well, if anything real comes in, I can handle it. [annoyed] Just 'cause Paul's not back from the enchanted brute convention as early as he was supposed to be doesn't mean the office shuts down. He may be off doing who knows what with his furred and fanged cronies, but I'm sure he knows he can trust me to take on whatever--

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 2.

GOLDY Man, she had it bad. A case of sea green envy for what the boss might be getting up to with his old college chums. So what they were mostly frogs, bears, and the occasional walrus - she'd heard the sort of thing they used to get up to--

DONNA What are you doing?

GOLDY Filling in. The boss should be back any minute, and then --

DONNA Look, I don't need anyone else horning in on my - our voiceovers.

GOLDY I just figured you might not want to be the one pouring your heart out in a narrative conceit....

DONNA So you thought you'd pour it out for me? [sarcastic] Thanx.

Scene 3.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL

MUSIC ENDS

ALEXANDER Pardon the interruption, ladies. May I announce Prince Waldo Charming?

SOUND STRIDES REGALLY IN, FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS ENTOURAGE.

DONNA Did you have to bring the whole box of toy soldiers? The office is only so big.

ALEXANDER [consults with the prince, then] Atten-hut! About face! March.

SOUND ENDLESS FEET LEAVE AGAIN

ALEXANDER The prince apologizes for the intrusion, but he prefers to keep this as informal and ‑ahem- low-profile as possible.

DONNA Sure. I can see that. Why don't you step into the office over here?

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 4.

DONNA So this was the infamous prince Waldo - the biggest royal catch of the last eight fishing seasons, and far too wily to let himself get hooked. Every princess, rich society dame, screen siren, and various other lesser gold diggers had set their bait for him, and he swam serenely past them all. I'm not among the anglers myself, since I already had my own trophy in sight- my own partner, Paul Bette, away now drinking with his cronies and doing whatever they please in the name of "old times".

GOLDY [side of the mouth] You're staring.

DONNA Huh?

GOLDY [side of the mouth] He's about to get a restraining order.

DONNA Oh, um-- Office, right.

MUSIC OUT

Scene 5.

SOUND OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

DONNA Well? What can I do for you?

PRINCE Coffee?

DONNA Certainly.

SOUND CLICK OF INTERCOM

GOLDY A package just came for you.

DONNA Busy now. Goldy? Three coffees, please? One too hot, and two just right? Yes.

SOUND INTERCOM OUT

DONNA So, what brings you to a private investigator?

PRINCE I don't think we need to discuss it until he arrives.

DONNA [barely polite] What? [exasperated noise] He is due back soon, but I can help you just as well. My name's on the door too. Well, my initial, anyway.

PRINCE [bland, disinterested] Oh? Lovely. I hope you don't mind, but I find this is really a masculine sort of problem.

DONNA There are potions for that, you know.

ALEXANDER [incensed] Young lady, what are you intimating?

DONNA That maybe he doesn't live up to his name?

ALEXANDER What's wrong with Waldo?

DONNA I meant Charming.

PRINCE I'll have you know--

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

PAUL Coffee? Donna? Why don't you let me deal with these good gentlemen.

DONNA What?

PAUL [muttered] Go to voiceover.

Scene 6.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA [spitting words] So I left the boys to it.

PAUL [vo] What Donna didn't know was that I'd been listening on the intercom and knew she'd been about to scratch the eyes out of a very powerful prince--

DONNA It wasn't his eyes I'd be aiming for--

PAUL And it wouldn't do us any good to get on his wrong side.

DONNA Does he have a right one?

PAUL So rather than subject her to more of the prince's royaler-than-thou attitude, I decided to step in and let her off the hook.

DONNA [softening] Oh!

PAUL Scoot.

DONNA Leave the intercom on. [blows him a kiss]

VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES

Scene 7.

DONNA I'll just scoot then and go get my nails done or something, shall I?

PRINCE While nothing could possibly enhance your already considerable beauty, I'm certain that's precisely what you need. [kisses her hand]

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR

Scene 8.

DONNA Yup. Definitely need to get my nails sharpened.

GOLDY Come on. Let's hear what they have to say--

PRINCE [on intercom] Bit of a temper, has she, that girl?

PAUL [on intercom, fading to normal voice halfway through] You don't know the half of it. She's passionate about everything.

PRINCE Ah. Well, then. Let me get down to the problem at hand. I think you will understand, Mr., um--

PAUL Bette. Paul Bette. Just call me Paul if you like.

PRINCE Paul. Quite. And you may call me Prince Charming.

PAUL Charmed. [waits for a laugh, nothing] Ah. Your case?

PRINCE Well, I have a passing acquaintance with an old school chum of yours, Prince Freddie Grenouille, and he says you are top of the line - both for cleverness and for ... ahem... discretion.

PAUL Absolutely. Anything you say won't leave this room.

PRINCE Good. I'm sorry to take so long to come to the point here, but this is a very delicate and stressful situation, and I am truly truly desperate.

PAUL Go on.

Scene 9.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL I'd seen it all, from paternity suits to clearing up the occasional "carriage under the influence" charge. And the royals were often the worst. They could get away with pretty much anything, as long as they were willing to risk the occasional fairy charm or gypsy curse.

MUSIC CHANGES

DONNA But Charming had never been a "bad boy" - at least not in any way that made it into the scandal rags--

PAUL Hey, what's with the--

DONNA My new voiceover music just arrived by special messenger. I'm trying out a couple of different pieces. What do you think?

PAUL Um...

DONNA You don't like it.

PAUL It's a little ... perky.

DONNA Fine. Go ahead and finish up.

PAUL Are you ...annoyed?

DONNA [snapping] No.

VOICEOVER MUSIC CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL

PAUL Charming did have a nearly spotless record. He was an athlete - Greco-roman wrestling, fencing, and polo, a supporter of the arts - even acted in a few charity plays from time to time. A general bon vivant. No dark side, or so everyone thought...

VOICEOVER MUSIC OUT

Scene 10.

PRINCE [vibrant] So when I danced with her last night, it was like we'd known each other for ever!

PAUL Did you happen to catch her name?

PRINCE Only Cindy. When I asked her last name, she merely smiled and changed the subject - she was so alluring!

PAUL And you want me to--

PRINCE [desperate] Find her. I must see her again. You can't possibly understand the pressure a thirty-uh-something prince is under to find a bride.

PAUL I can see that would be awkward.

PRINCE Women are constantly being shoved at me from all sides, and - frankly? I can't stand most of them. They're such insipid little birds. They tell me how fascinating I am, and then proceed to show they know nothing at all about me. They profess to like all the things I like, then don't even know how to spell jai-alai, let alone play it.

PRINCE [continued] I've spent years carefully keeping clear of marriage, since it would mean I'd have to spend my entire life with a silly little twit, and would be obligated to listen to her chirp.

PAUL And this Cindy?

PRINCE [raptured] Completely different. She dressed marvelously, but didn't feel compelled to give me the names of all her tailors. She danced like a dream, but didn't demand I take her for one more spin around the floor, or suggest we walk out on the balcony. And when she said she liked the things I like, she - she actually did!

PAUL Can you give me a description?

PRINCE About my height - in heels - long glossy dark chestnut hair - a few shades darker than your young lady's auburn - rather like Alexander's here - huge luminous eyes, and long artist's fingers on very strong hands.

PAUL Hmm. Alexander, was it?

ALEXANDER [slightly panicky] Sir?

PAUL Can you add anything?

ALEXANDER I wasn't-- I was with a sick friend last night.

PAUL Ah. That's awkward. [to prince] Do you have any other clue to her identity?

PRINCE Oh, yes. Alexander, the bag.

ALEXANDER Sir.

SOUND BAG PLOPPED ONTO DESK, SOMETHING PULLED OUT

PAUL A... shoe.

PRINCE She ran away at the stroke of midnight, and left it behind.

PAUL Can I keep this?

PRINCE But - she'll need it, when I find her again.

PAUL I mean to go over it for clues. I'll get it back to you.

PRINCE [sigh of relief] Well, yes, then. I thought-- nevermind.

PAUL I have my own female troubles - I have no plans to try and horn in on yours.

ALEXANDER You think any woman would throw over [too warm] such a Charming price, for a big brute of a private eye?

PAUL [chastened] No. [tries to chuckle] Course not. But I do have to warn you, sire--

PRINCE Yes?

PAUL This girl. If she deliberately made herself such a mystery, there may very well be a good reason.

PRINCE like what?

PAUL She could be anything - a commoner, a ghost, a transformed hedgehog--

ALEXANDER Nonsense!

PAUL The point is, you need to face reality and understand that there could be something very shady about her.

PRINCE I don't care. She's the only woman I've ever felt this way about, and I plan to marry her - come what may. You find her for me. I shall handle the rest.

Scene 11.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL Chauvinist or not, Charming was determined, in that way that only princes in love can be. It was that particular brand of love that drives one to climb unclimbable mountains and fight unkillable dragons, and what do they get at the end? Married.

MUSIC CHANGES

DONNA Like Charming said, most princesses were simpering idiots with more hair than brains, and I should know - I may not be one myself, but I went to the same prep school.

PAUL This? You decided on this?

DONNA Give me a break. I can't tell how they're gonna sound until I try them out.

PAUL This is awful.

DONNA Fine. Let me see the shoe, and we'll go on from there.

MUSIC OUT

Scene 12.

SOUND SHOE SET ON DESK

PAUL There.

DONNA Nice.

SOUND HE SITS IN CHAIR

PAUL Do you think it's a little... large?

DONNA A bit bigger than mine.

PAUL Really, I guess I never really--

DONNA Look at my feet?

PAUL [leering a bit] I never make it down that far...

SOUND SHE SITS UP ON DESK

DONNA Really?

PAUL Really. [slight growl]

DONNA Question. When I left, did the prince and his friend -uh- make it down that far?

PAUL What do you mean?

DONNA What were they looking at?

PAUL They just watched you leave.

DONNA I didn't hear you growl--

PAUL Well, of course-- [suddenly worried] Oh-- you actually notice when I do that?

DONNA [dreamy] Of course I do. I don't mind when you-- um, get annoyed on my behalf.

PAUL [deep breath] I think we're getting a bit off track here.

DONNA Right. Shoe.

PAUL No, left. Shoe. Anything?

DONNA It's a Dolce-geppeto. They're pricey, but not extortionate. Too bad she didn't mention her dressmaker - that would have been a much better clue.

PAUL Well, how many places sell these shoes?

DONNA Assuming she's local, maybe six of the big boutiques downtown.

PAUL You wanna take those, then? Go ask questions?

DONNA Um... No.

PAUL You don't want to go shopping for shoes? I mean, [scared] you're going to leave me to hit all these fancy ladies' shoe shops?

DONNA I have some ideas of my own to follow up on, and the shoe isn't going anywhere. Tell you what, if you don't get a hit on the shoe in 24 hours, I'll take it.

PAUL But - but how do I even ask?

DONNA Here.

SOUND INTERCOM BEEP

DONNA Goldy, could you come in here?

SOUND DOOR

GOLDY Yeah?

DONNA Take this to Rose & Snow's and ask for the style number. Then ask them if they have any record of someone buying this shoe in this size in the last two weeks.

GOLDY I don't do legwork. I ain't as young as I used to be.

DONNA Buy yourself a pair of shoes - on the office - while you're there.

GOLDY Gimme that!

SOUND SNATCH, DOOR SLAMS

PAUL [brightening] So I could just send her round to every store?

DONNA Not at a pair of shoes per trip. We'd run through our entire commission.

PAUL What?

DONNA I said they weren't cheap. One pair we can add in as a legitimate expense - past that... [shrug] Once you get the style nunmber, you can phone the rest. Well, I'm heading out.

SOUND JUMPS DOWN OFF DESK

DONNA Need anything?

PAUL [a bit lost, watching her] Um, no...

DONNA Chow!

Scene 13.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL Wo. [deep breath] I thought over the content of our discussion and realized there was something she was keeping back - that secret smile, the strange questions - but while we were talking I couldn't take my eyes off her, sitting on my desk like that, one silk-seamed leg crossed over the other. [growl] She doesn't even seem to notice the effect she has on me, and I'm not sure whether that makes it worse or better - if I tell her, she might just stop, and then I won't even get this much of a--

MUSIC CHANGES AGAIN

DONNA What is this, a beer garden? They sent me the wrong box, I'm sure of it.

PAUL It's not so bad - for a polka.

DONNA Hmph. You done yet?

PAUL Uh, yeah - I'll talk to a few folks while I'm waiting for Goldy to get back.

DONNA [beat] There are things men just don't see, and which it's probably better they don't. A picture was painting itself in my head, and while it wasn't a particularly tricky answer to the problem of find the girl, it also wasn't likely to have the happiest of endings. Why? I added up a size 11 shoe, a lady who could spell jai alai and a prince who didn't stare at my backside as I left the room, and I got a very queer answer indeed.

MUSIC STARTS TO FADE

DONNA And it was an answer I wasn't sure my wonderful he-man partner would be at all happy about, which is why I went alone to a boarding house we used to rather snottily call Gamma Alpha Ypsilon, back in my own sorority days.

SOUND FEET ON PORCH, KNOCK ON DOOR

Scene 14.

ESPADRILLE Yes?

DONNA Hi, I'm a P.I. and I'm--

SOUND DOOR SLAM

DONNA [sigh]

SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR

DONNA I'm not going away. You can talk to me, or you can talk to my partner, and he ain't gonna understand.

SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN

BARBARA What do you want?

DONNA I'm looking for someone, and I think she might be known here.

BARBARA For this you come around annoying my girls? Scaring poor Espadrille half to death?

DONNA I have no interest in making trouble for anybody. Please. I just have some questions and would rather not shout them to the entire world. Can we talk?

BARBARA [deciding] You tell me what you need, I decide if I'll ask anyone else. Come on - my parlor's over here.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 15.

DONNA So I outlined the problem, and Miss Barbara was very upset by the whole situation - she said she was sure Cindy wasn't one of her ...boarders, but that she would ask around. She didn't give me much hope, though.

Scene 16.

MUSIC OUT

BARBARA Tell the poor boy it will never work. Two worlds, all that. He would have to be willing and able to take her as she is - warts and all, as they say - and the chances of that are - pfft!

DONNA You might be surprised.

BARBARA Honey, I ain't been surprised in years.

VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS IN

Scene 17.

PAUL Were you using the old music again?

DONNA I ...forgot. Sorry. But the new stuff is pretty cringe-worthy.

PAUL Keep trying, sweetheart. You'll find something.

DONNA I hope so. Did you need the voiceover?

PAUL Only if you're finished.

DONNA [sigh] Yeah, I guess so. I need to think.

PAUL So I checked with the photographers from last night's big bash - and found that the mystery just deepened. This Cindy was a slick sister - seemed to always know where the snappers were and managed to keep her back to them all night. Only once did they catch half a profile, head and shoulders with just a glimpse of the side of her face - I told him to blow it up and send it over, along with a dozen of the dress, figuring maybe Donna could play name that dressmaker. Then I decided to catch up with an old friend...

MUSIC OUT

Scene 18.

SOUND BANGING ON A DOOR

RUMPY [muffled, hung over] Bugger off!

SOUND CLINKING OF COINS

PAUL One, two, three--

SOUND DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN

RUMPY If it ain't me old pal, Bette. Git yourself inside here - that daylight's too damn bright.

SOUND SHUFFLING FEET

PAUL It's dark out.

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS

RUMPY Then what am I doing asleep?

SOUND BONK

PAUL Ow!

RUMPY [amused] Gotta watch them rafters, you old beanstalk you.

PAUL [strained, cause he's bending over] I need you to find out about someone for me. A woman.

RUMPY Your sweet partner? She running around with other ...dicks?

PAUL What? What do you--?

RUMPY Nothing. Just wondering maybe she plying her trade - and I do mean detecting, no offense, [sarcastic] my friend - elsewhere.

PAUL Of course she's not. She wouldn't--

RUMPY You're probably right. So who did you want me to check over?

SOUND CORK OUT OF JUG

PAUL [musing] There wouldn't be time, anyway - though she didn't want to take on the shoe--

RUMPY [gulping, then] Whazzat?

PAUL Nothing. Um. Right. A woman who was spotted at the Prince's June Glam ball last night. No one seems to know who she was, and she didn't, apparently, have an invite.

RUMPY [way sarcastic] Yeah, one look at me, and you just know I'm up on the society pages.

PAUL I don't think this dame's "society." I think she's working an angle on the prince, and I want to know if there's a whisper anywhere.

RUMPY What's in it for me?

PAUL This, now--

SOUND CLINK OF TWO COINS

PAUL And twice that if you can deliver.

RUMPY C'mon, Bette, old buddy, old pal - I'm gonna haveta drink around for this, maybe float some people. Play the game.

PAUL Keep your receipts.

SOUND A COUPLE STEPS, THEN

SOUND BONK!

PAUL Ow!

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

Scene 19.

PAUL I started the wheels in motion, but nothing would turn up for a couple of days - if ever. [beat] Donna? Are you there? [beat, then worried] I figured she just didn't like the case - she certainly didn't seem to take a shine to that prince. He was handsome, in that tall, cold, blonde princely sort of way, and she always says she hates those guys. [beat] Donna?

DONNA Busy now. I'll fill in my part later.

PAUL Where are you? Maybe I can come by and help?

DONNA Nope. Just interviewing the prince's friend. You go ahead and keep the-- Oops, gotta go!

PAUL The friend? Dark haired, willowy, handsome, not so tall. Not a good train of thought to catch, since like any other express, it runs non-stop. [up] I'll just go back to the office then, shall I?

DONNA [chuckling breaks off] Hmm? Oh, sure. See you in a bit.

PAUL [growls]

MUSIC OUT

Scene 20.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN HARD

GOLDY I see someone's in a bright and shiny mood.

PAUL No calls.

SOUND STOMPING FEET, OFFICE DOOR YANKS OPEN, THEN SLAMS

VOICEOVER MUSIC - new tune, not too bad.

GOLDY What did she do?

DONNA What?

GOLDY Oops - I'll get out of--

DONNA Wait, what did who do? [waits a second] Goldy? Chicken. Fine. Music hold.

SOUND MUSIC CUTS SUDDENLY

SOUND TELEPHONE RINGS

GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may--

DONNA [filter] What were you saying?

GOLDY Oh. Boss is kind of upset is all. Figured, um...

DONNA [filter, warning] What?

GOLDY Well, when he starts slamming doors, he's usually annoyed... um... with-- you?

DONNA [filter, long breath to get her composure back] I am in the middle of something, but-- Soon as I'm back, we're going to have a--

GOLDY Oops - call coming in. buh-Bye!

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

Scene 21.

ALEXANDER Were you finished with me?

DONNA Not quite, but I don't think we can talk here. I need you to come to my suite at the Andersen Arms. Tonight at 7 p.m. Alone.

ALEXANDER Really, miss Bella, I don't think--

DONNA Sweetie, you're not my type. But we need to talk somewhere a bit more private.

ALEXANDER [cautious and concerned] Talk?

SOUND SCRIBBLING A NOTE ON PAPER

DONNA It's regarding the welfare of the prince, and you know how people leap on--

SOUND HANDING PAPER OVER

ALEXANDER Hmm? [reads, gasps, the a bit frightened] Yes, of course. I'll-- I'll be there.

Scene 22.

NEW MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - KIND OF ROMANCEY

DONNA Now to figure out how to tell Paul I wanted to handle a denouement on my own.

GOLDY You want I should tell him?

DONNA Will you stop jumping in on the voiceovers? We have enough trouble sharing them as it is.

GOLDY Fine. I was gonna tell you where the boss is. But since you obviously have everything well in hand--

DONNA Where is he? [beat] Goldy? Hold.

Scene 23.

MUSIC CUTS OUT

SOUND PHONE RINGS

DONNA Come on...

PAUL [on phone] Hello?

DONNA Oh, drat.

PAUL [on phone] What? Donna?

DONNA Paul, I--

PAUL [on phone] I've found Cindy.

DONNA You have? Where?

PAUL [on phone] Well, a good solid lead. Should have my hands on her by this evening, but she's a tough cookie to nail down.

DONNA Crumbs!

PAUL [on phone] What?

DONNA If you nailed down a cookie. Nevermind.

PAUL [on phone] Why are we talking on the phone? Why don't you just come on into the office?

DONNA I - I've got a terrible headache. Think I'll go home and lie down. Be fresh in the morning. Bye!

PAUL [on phone] Donna? [normal] Donna?

SOUND HANGS UP THE PHONE

PAUL Damn. Headache, my eye.

SOUND PHONE RINGS, keeps ringing

PAUL Goldy? You wanna get this?

GOLDY [off] Nah - it's probably her again.

PAUL But it's your job to answer the phone...

GOLDY [off] I'm on my break.

SOUND PHONE PICKED UP

PAUL [sighs, then tries to mimic Goldy's voice] B&B Investigations, how can I help you?

GOLDY [off] Oy...

RUMPY [on phone] You got a cold, Bette? Or just drinking alum?

PAUL [normal] Stuff it. What you got, Rumpy?

RUMPY [on phone] [chuckles] What you got for me?

PAUL I'll meet you tomorrow.

RUMPY [on phone] Nuh-uh. [sighs] My expense account musta grown from magic beans - it's just about sky level now.

PAUL We didn't--

RUMPY [on phone] Oh, it'll be worth it. Bring your wallet to the Andersen Arms right away. I'm in the lobby.

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

Scene 24.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - STILL THE LAST MUSIC DONNA WAS USING, ROMANTIC

PAUL What the--? This is... Donna's music? [gulps] The Andersen Arms was a classic old building on Mermaid street, and Donna had lived there for--

RUMPY Did you bring the clinkage?

PAUL I'm not there yet. This is still the voiceover.

RUMPY [chuckles] Nice grooves. You going soft, pal.

PAUL It's Donna's new music.

RUMPY So she's going soft? Hmmm...

PAUL Look, I'll be there in a second!

RUMPY No skin off my nose.

PAUL [sigh] Fine. I arrived. Done.

MUSIC FADES OUT

Scene 25.

RUMPY Took you long enough. Cross my palm, and I'll tell you all.

SOUND COINS CLINK

RUMPY That's what I'm talking about. I've got one interesting tidbit--

PAUL Shh. Hide!

RUMPY What?

PAUL That fellow, who just skulked in. I know him.

RUMPY Friend of yours?

PAUL A client.

RUMPY Hmm. Is this a consultation?

PAUL Hold that thought. I'll be back to get my coins' worth.

SOUND STORMS IN THROUGH REVOLVING DOOR

RUMPY [going off] I'll start you an account.

ORIGINAL VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

PAUL Nope. [beat] Go away. [beat] I'm not saying anything.

MUSIC ENDS IN A HUFF

Scene 26.

SOUND ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN

SOUND HEAVY STRIDES, KNOCKING ON A DOOR

DONNA [off] Huh? Hello?

PAUL Open up.

DONNA [dramatic gasp] Paul?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, HE PUSHES IN

DONNA What? What's wrong with you?

PAUL It's highly unprofessional, you know.

DONNA Well, I should say so!

PAUL To just waltz in here like this--

DONNA Ye-e-es.

PAUL And-- What?

DONNA Are you apologizing?

PAUL What? No. Where is he? I saw him in the lobby--

DONNA [gasp] You came here because-- You thought - [gasp]!

PAUL What am I supposed to think?

DONNA I solved the case, but you're not going to like the answer.

PAUL What makes you think I won't?

SOUND WATER RUNS IN THE BATHROOM

PAUL [growls]

DONNA That's why. Look, I was about to do the big unveil, but--

PAUL [plaintive] Without me?

DONNA [softening] You'll understand. Can you keep quiet?

PAUL Of course I can.

SOUND BLOWDRYER RUNS

PAUL [growls]

DONNA Hmm?

PAUL [sheepish] O-k.

SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DONNA That will be the prince.

SOUND FEET, DOOR OPENS

Scene 27.

DONNA Come in, your royal highness.

SOUND HESITANT FOOTSTEPS

PAUL No entourage?

DONNA Ssh. Thank you for coming alone.

PRINCE [upset] I haven't much choice. Alexander is nowhere to be found.

PAUL Your pal from the office?

PRINCE We've been chums since childhood. I feel rather exposed without him along.

DONNA It must have been awkward, then, that he couldn't make it to the ball.

PRINCE It was the first he ever missed. Too bad, I think he'll like Cindy.

DONNA They probably have a lot in common.

PAUL [suspicious] They do...?

DONNA You better have a seat, sire. This is likely to get a little awkward.

PRINCE But have you found my Cindy?

DONNA Yes.

PAUL [quiet] Yes?

PRINCE Where is she?

SOUND DOOR OPENS, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

BARBARA Right here. Come on out, honey.

SOUND SLOW BARE FOOTSTEPS

SOUND CHAIR ALMOST TOPPLES AS PRINCE SPRINGS UP

PRINCE Darling!

CINDY [vexed] Oh, dear! Why did you bring him here?

DONNA Hold on! Sorry I didn't warn you, Cindy. Sit down, your highness.

PRINCE But my darling, don't you want--? I thought we-- we clicked.

PAUL [musing quietly, gets it] Like they'd known each other for years. [groan, gets it] Oh.

DONNA Shh.

PRINCE But you're the only woman I've ever loved.

CINDY And you're about to despise me.

PRINCE That could never happen.

CINDY Yes it can. [voice lowers to Alexander, then ruefully] I'm just lucky you're a bit nearsighted, Waldo.

PRINCE What? Alexander?

BARBARA She prefers Cindy when she's all dolled up.

CINDY [Cindy again] I really do.

PRINCE But... is it a spell?

CINDY No. It's just--

BARBARA Go on, hon. There's no going back now.

CINDY I could probably spin you a grand story about being enchanted, or cursed, but none of it is true. Unless you count love as some kind of magic.

PRINCE Love?

CINDY I never meant it to be more than one night. One chance to dance... with you. But you - you just had to [wistful] go all manly and try and find me! Barbara convinced me it's better to let you know, rather than leave you searching forever.

BARBARA Trust me, he'd eventually find some clue to who you are. The higher the hopes, the harder the fall, and all that.

CINDY Don't worry, I've already - I mean Alexander has already - applied for a quest permit, and I plan to absent myself from court for a decade or so.

PRINCE I say - I'm the prince here. Don't I get any say?

CINDY Yes. [deep breath, bracing herself]

BARBARA [comforting] I'm right here.

DONNA Me too.

CINDY Go ahead.

PRINCE I-- I suppose I never thought about you that way, Alexander.

CINDY [wilting] Of course.

PRINCE Until I saw you at the ball.

CINDY [startled, perking up a bit] Oh?

PRINCE Perhaps there is some magic. To love.

CINDY But you don't want me. I mean you want this-- the surface-- when underneath, I'm--

PRINCE My best friend? What's so wrong? I've met far too many beautiful girls I can't stand to be near. You do something to me.

CINDY [gasps ecstatically]

[their voices fade for a bit]

Scene 28.

DONNA I wish it could work for them.

PAUL Really? It seems an odd match. Really odd.

DONNA What's wrong with an odd match? Love's all that matters. Though I do have one concern. Babs?

BARBARA [sniffling a bit at the romantic moment] What? Yes? Oh, go on - I'm all verklempt.

DONNA I get choked up too. But, what about when they're supposed to--you know-- have kids?

BARBARA Oh that's a piece of cake. There's always a baby in a peach pit, or I have this deal with the marsh king. You'd be surprised how often these kinds of things happen.

PRINCE [fading back in] But how will it ever work?

PAUL [clears throat] May I?

DONNA What? Really?

PAUL I'm not one to stand in the way of true love. You said Alexander applied for a quest permit - no reason he shouldn't go, disappearing from court, about the same time Prince Charming--

PRINCE Oh, you can call me Waldo.

PAUL Thank you, your highness. [back to the point] At the same time that Waldo meets Alexander's distant cousin Cindy, who sneaked into town to surprise him and ran into the prince instead.

DONNA Oh, and, if you can, you should do a little bit of almost being seen together, which will take a little quick change action, but we can help with that, right Barbara?

BARBARA Quick change is practically my middle name.

PAUL Alexander can send a letter now and then, eventually rescue a damsel in distress, and settle down in a kingdom far far away.

PRINCE There's only one thing left to do!

DONNA Oh?

PRINCE I hope you remembered to bring that shoe. It will have to do until we can get rings...

BARBARA [choked up] I'll start planning the reception!

Scene 29.

OLD VOICEOVER MUSIC

PAUL So, the prince found his true love.

DONNA Love's funny that way.

PAUL And all Alexander's--

DONNA --Cindy's--

PAUL --years of devotion paid off.

DONNA Waldo better appreciate all he's-- she's done.

PAUL There's just not enough pronouns--

DONNA --Particularly since some of your friends are definitely "it"s.

PAUL Hah. Hah.

DONNA Speaking of those, how was the enchanted beasts reunion?

PAUL [down] Fine. Every year there's less of us left - too many with their curses broken, or married with better things to do.

DONNA [hopeful] It's in the air. Love, I mean.

PAUL [growls, close] Yeah... [backing off] I mean, they make a cute couple...

GOLDY [exasperated] Oh, shut up and kiss her already.

PAUL & DONNA What?

GOLDY You heard me. Think quick - I'm on double overtime just to be in this voiceover.

CLOSING

A secretary is plagued by premonitions or voices in her head...

part 2 of 2

The Close Shave - (B&B Investigations, #3) The latest case involves one of Donna's old classmates - wed to a mysterious stranger, left destitute... now her life is in danger!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Goldy Tailor - Crystal Thomson Captain OftheGuard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Mrs. Edwina Beard - Rhys TM Mr. Beard - Benjamin Lind Mr. Rexmusson - H. Keith Lyons Mulva - Katharine D. Clark Frederick - Cary Ayers Thug - Danar Hoverson

Music by Somewhere off Jazz Street Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's 1940s detective agency... with a twist, can't you tell?"

***********************************************

The Close Shave

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Paul Bette

Donna Bella

Goldy Tailor

Captain OftheGuard

Mrs. Edwina Beard

Mr. Beard

Mr. Rexmusson, Edwina's father

Rumplestiltskin

thug

Frederick, the butler

Mulva, the new wife

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the office of a private eye, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may I --[cuts off in disgust] Sorry. We don't need no cleaning staff.

EDWINA [very posh sounding, correcting her] Any cleaning staff.

GOLDY [puzzled] Any cleaning staff, what?

EDWINA [dismissive mutter] I'm surprised you don't rhyme. [up] I am here to hire a private investigator. I have heard that this firm is very.... discreet.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GOLDY Discreet yes. Cheap no. You better have--

DONNA Edwina? Edwina Rexmusson?

EDWINA [cussing] Oh, goblins. [up, false gushy] Donna! It's been simply ages!

DONNA What are you doing here? And what's with the getup?

EDWINA [trying to keep composure] Oh... Donna! Are you ...here to hire an investigator as well?

DONNA Um, no. I... am the investigator.

EDWINA [snooty] Oh?

DONNA [sharp] Dressed like THAT, I wouldn't sneer, sweetheart. [nicer] Besides, whatever's wrong, I'm probably the only investigator in town who could truly understand. Come along. [to Goldy] Do we have any cocoa?

EDWINA [breaking into tears] Oh! You remembered!

DONNA [stage whisper] And a box of tissues. [to Edwina] My office is right over here.

MUSIC VOICEOVER

DONNA Edwina was one of those snooty girls I'd gone to school with, back before my family's fortunes fell. [losing track] Funny. Failed to figure on fff-- [thinks, sighs] alliteration. [back] From what I could recall, though I hadn't really paid attention, she'd dropped out of sight about a year back. Her current state, dressed in - well let's face it - rags, haggard and undernourished, was shocking.

GOLDY Flabbergasting, even.

DONNA Shh!

PAUL Do you need me?

DONNA Not yet. You're still on that breach of contract, aren't you?

PAUL I've just about got it wrapped up. Found three crickets and a snail that will swear to witnessing the ball retrieval. [confident] He'll get what's coming to him. I'll just listen in? If you don't mind? Nothing more boring than a stakeout.

DONNA Gotcha. [clears throat] I waited for Edwina to calm down enough to talk.

MUSIC FADES OUT

EDWINA [blows nose excessively into handkerchief]

DONNA Try some cocoa. You'll feel better. Now take your time and tell me what's wrong.

EDWINA [sips, sighs] Oh... It's my husband.

DONNA Oh? I guess I didn't know you were married. Not that I've been much in society recently.

EDWINA Oh! yes. Maybe you are the one person who can understand. My father was absolutely set on my marrying, but I wanted... well...

DONNA A career?

EDWINA No.

DONNA Romance?

EDWINA No.

DONNA A Pony? What?

EDWINA [painful admission] I just wanted... my own way. More than anything else, I didn't want to give in and do what father wanted.

DONNA I take it he was not amused?

EDWINA [mirthless laugh] He kept parading eligible bachelors around, and I... I kept shooting them down. This one was too fat, that one too thin, that one too hairy--

DONNA There's something cuddly about "hairy".

EDWINA Oh, don't even go there!!! Why my husband--

DONNA Sorry!

EDWINA So father, exasperated, said I would be married before my birthday, like it or not. And if I wouldn't take any of the suitable men, I would end up [sniffles] wed to the first man to come to the door. [sobs, then wails] Even if he was a pattycake!!!

DONNA What's wrong with--?

EDWINA [wails] Waaahhhh!

DONNA Yowtch. And this was last year?

EDWINA [sniffs, then tries to calm] Almost exactly a year ago. How can I forget? The day before my 21st birthday, my father tossed me at this.... "person", ran the paperwork through, and threw me out of the house. Since then... Well, you see how I am.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA For all her suffering, Edwina was holding up pretty well. She had gone from pampered princess to long-suffering housewife in one fell swoop. Had to learn to cook, clean, and even run her husband's little china shop. She'd been tempered in the fire. And she used to be nothing BUT temper.

GOLDY There's plenty like that.

DONNA I am ignoring you.

MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

EDWINA Me?

DONNA Sorry. Nothing. So what exactly do you need help with?

EDWINA Oh, that! Someone is trying to kill me.

DONNA Really?

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA Suddenly a simple domestic case had turned very interesting indeed.

DONNA Edwina said that on two different occasions, there had been "accidents" that might have killed her, if not for this "strange man".

MUSIC FADES

SOUND IN CAR

PAUL Did she say what he looked like?

DONNA She said he looked vaguely familiar, but had a scarf covering the lower half his face.

PAUL And these "accidents?"

DONNA Nothing she could take to the cops. She felt a hand push her on a street corner, and would have gone right out into traffic. Except...

PAUL Except for this stranger?

DONNA Yes. He grabbed her and pulled her back. That was the first time. She wrote it off, figuring someone just lost their balance.

PAUL But... then?

DONNA Yeah. She'd just shut up shop for the night, was heading home, and a piano fell on her.

PAUL You're kidding?!?

DONNA Nope. It was being lifted to an upstairs apartment, and the ropes just... gave way.

PAUL And the guy?

DONNA Swooped in on a motorcycle and pushed her out of the way.

PAUL At best, he's been following her everywhere.

DONNA At worst, he's part of it.

PAUL So she wants us to--

DONNA First, find out who might be trying to kill her. Second find this guy. And [sigh] If we find out anything about her husband along the way....

PAUL [grr] I hate matrimony cases. [backpedaling] not that I hate matrimony, though! [a moment, musing/hinting] Cuddly?

DONNA What?

PAUL [too quick] Nothing.

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL I figured I'd start with a trip to the delivery company, see who might have ordered that piano--

DONNA Or who inquired about it.

PAUL Yes. Was this accident a spur of the moment crime, or something much more sinister?

DONNA I decided to look into who might want Edwina dead, and why. I had a few contacts at the hall of records who liked nothing better than rooting out such juicy tidbits of gossip.

PAUL What are you thinking?

DONNA There's only a couple of possible motives for murder - money and passion being the best possibilities in this case.

DONNA And since Edwina's father cut her off without a simolean to her name, there either had to be money she didn't know about--

PAUL Long lost heirs? That's a stretch.

DONNA [a bit annoyed] OR it had to do with her husband, the aptly named Mr. Beard.

PAUL First name?

DONNA Apparently they're not that familiar.

PAUL [flabbergasted!] What?

MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

PAUL Seriously? She doesn't know his first name?

DONNA He doesn't talk to her much, except to give orders.

PAUL Even... um... when...?

DONNA [hinting] They sleep in separate rooms.

PAUL [stunned] Oh. Who IS this guy?

DONNA That's what I plan to find out. Ah! Hall of records. My stop.

PAUL Right. Meet for dinner?

DONNA Of course.

MUSIC VOICEOVER

PAUL I watched her walk away, a red-haired slither of pure lusciousness. [grr] At least until the car behind me started to honk.

SOUND HONK ENDS VOICEOVER MUSIC

SOUND CAR STARTS

SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP

GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may I direct--

EDWINA [on filter] It happened again!

GOLDY What happened?

EDWINA Just tell Donna! Get her to come to my place. She has the address. Quickly! Before my husband gets home!

GOLDY I'll see what I can do.

EDWINA It's a matter of life and death!

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP, IS SET DOWN

GOLDY Hmm. Now let's see - How do they DO that?

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

GOLDY Well, that was easy. [speaking loudly, as if trying to be noticed] I was trying desperately to figure out how to get a message to my boss, Donna Bella.

DONNA You don't have to yell!

GOLDY [normal tone] The client called.

DONNA Edwina.

GOLDY We ain't been formally introduced. Besides, I'm trying to be all professional here.

DONNA OK, just tell me what you got.

GOLDY She needs you over there lickety split.

DONNA Did she actually say--?

GOLDY I'm paraphrasing.

DONNA Fine. Now leave the voiceover to me. [beat] Ok. I caught a cab and raced to Edwina's fifth floor walkup. It was as old and careworn as her dress. I really started to sympathize.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

EDWINA [shriek] Who is it?

DONNA It's me!

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEP, DOWN THE HALL

DONNA [gasp] Hello?

SOUND LOTS OF LOCKS UNLOCKING

DONNA [whispered to the door] I'll be right back!

EDWINA No!

DONNA Shh!

SOUND QUIET STEPS

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

DONNA I was pretty sure I'd seen movement down around the dimly lit corner. I'm not usually the physical type - I leave all that to Paul--

PAUL [distant] [laughing hysterically]

DONNA [grim and determined] --BUT I wanted to at least get a glimpse of whoever it was that was spying on Edwina's door.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND QUICK STEPS

DONNA Hah!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY

MUSIC IN

DONNA I rushed up, but the series of locks - a strangely familiar series of locks - was already being thrown. I waited a moment, then peered through the keyhole, straining for any glimpse of the perpetrator.

GOLDY What did you see?

DONNA Out!

MUSIC OUT

DONNA Not you, her!

MUSIC IN

GOLDY Fine.

PAUL What did you see?

DONNA Let me talk to Edwina first.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND TAP ON DOOR, DOOR WRENCHED OPEN

EDWINA What happened?

DONNA Nothing. Thought I heard something.

EDWINA It was probably a mouse. They're in half the apartments here.

DONNA Can't they get rid of them?

EDWINA [shrug] Not unless they get behind on the rent.

MUSIC IN

PAUL Let me take this and give you ladies some privacy.

DONNA Sounds good. I might be a little late.

PAUL No problem. [voiceover] I had had a frustrating day. The moving company was paid in cash, and the apartment they were delivering to had been rented under a false name.

GOLDY Back at the office, a pile of official looking papers that Donna had messengered, arrived. If you're bored or anything.

PAUL I still have leads to follow up.

GOLDY I'm shutting up for the day. You have fun.

PAUL [sigh] Some days you wonder why you even need a secretary--

GOLDY [distant] I heard that!

PAUL [thinking quick] And then you recall how much time you haveta spend away from the office, and it all becomes clear. [waits a second] Phew! She does come in handy. [narrating] I walked into the bar where the lowest denizens of the city hung out, and lowest among them--

MUSIC OUT

PAUL Hey, Rump.

RUMPY Not tonight, Bette. I got lady trouble.

PAUL Really? You?

RUMPY You don't have to sound so.... so...

PAUL Sorry.

RUMPY Take it from me, don't ever let one of them find out your real name. [drinks deep] So you here for a social call?

PAUL You know better.

SOUND CLINK OF COINS ON COUNTER

PAUL But I can make it worth your while.

RUMPY I'll drink that in the next 10 minutes.

PAUL Give me something good, and you'll get another half hour's worth.

RUMPY What's the question?

PAUL Mr. Rexmussen and his daughter Edwina. Anything you know.

RUMPY Off the top of my head? And drunk? Nothing.

SOUND COINS BEING DRAGGED AWAY

PAUL Oh.

RUMPY Except--

SOUND COINS STOP MOVING

PAUL Go on.

RUMPY I do know that just about a year ago, daddy dearest said he was gonna hitch her to the first dude to come to the door, and there was a virtual stampede to get there - but this mug Beard was already at the head of the line.

PAUL Like he... knew in advance?

RUMPY Could be... or... [trails off suggestively, drinks]

SOUND TWO MORE COINS SET DOWN

RUMPY More like he kind of appeared out of nowhere. No one knew him before. No one knows when he came to town. Nothing.

PAUL Hmm...

SOUND COUPLE MORE COINS

RUMPY That's all I got.

SOUND SHOVES COINS

RUMPY Now leave me to my misery.

PAUL Nah. Keep it.

MUSIC in

PAUL So a Beard with no roots. But who could have known that Edwina's dad was going to go ballistic?

GOLDY Daddy probably set it all up with the mug. To teach her a lesson. Sounds like she was a holy terror.

PAUL I thought you went home.

GOLDY They ain't nothing good on the radio.

PAUL While I could consult an oracle or two about the mysterious Mr. Beard, the price would be a bit too high for a charity case--

GOLDY What about who might want to kill her?

PAUL I had no leads as yet--

GOLDY Oh, yes you do.

PAUL I do?

GOLDY These papers - I took em home, just in case someone might come looking.

PAUL Are you really worried about that?

GOLDY Nah. But they ain't nothing good on the radio. Anyway, you wanted to know about money motives, and there's some interesting stuff in here.

PAUL This should really be on the phone. Voiceovers aren't made for conversations.

GOLDY You two do it all the time!

PAUL [abashed] We try not to.

GOLDY Fine. [ahem] After going through the stack of papers - a thankless task, by the way - I realized that Edwina happened to have a birthday coming up.

PAUL [dismissive] She already mentioned that.

GOLDY AND that this would be her 22nd birthday. When she would just happen to come into a huge trust fund. UNLESS she weren't married yet, then she don't get her mitts on the cash til she's 30.

PAUL [interested] Really?

GOLDY UNLESS again - she was to happen to kick off before she made it to 22.

PAUL Hmm... Who--

GOLDY IN WHICH CASE the money would revert to... ta-da! her father.

PAUL Rexmussen? But he's rich.

GOLDY Interesting, innit?

DONNA Whew. I had just spent the longest evening of my life, and--

GOLDY We're already on this line.

DONNA What?

PAUL But we're pretty much done.

DONNA What?

GOLDY Besides, I'm already clocked out for the evening.

DONNA [growl] what?

PAUL Goldy took the time to sort through all the paperwork we hadn't yet got around to...

DONNA [back to normal] Oh. Anything?

PAUL Tell you at dinner.

DONNA About time!

MUSIC OUT

SOUND RESTAURANT

PAUL --which doesn't make any sense, because he's rolling in dough.

DONNA Nothing in this case makes sense, and we've only got one more day before Edwina's birthday.

PAUL We better stay with her.

DONNA I had this little idea...

PAUL Yeah?

DONNA This mystery man appears every time she looks to be in danger, so...

PAUL ["getting it"] Mmm.

DONNA Let skip ahead.

PAUL Get some rest.

DONNA Mwa!

PAUL [appreciative growl]

MUSIC IN

DONNA Morning came, and I was back with Edwina. Her husband hadn't even come home, but had phoned to insist she still open the store as usual. She was frantic.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND STREET, FOOTSTEPS

EDWINA [controlled] Thank you so much for coming with me. I'm simply frantic.

DONNA Don't worry about it. We'll get to the bottom of all this.

SOUND RUSHING FEET

PAUL [roar]

EDWINA [scream!]

SOUND SCUFFLE

BEARD [oof!]

DONNA You got him? Calm down, Eddie!

EDWINA [gasp] What? Who is it? Oh! That's him! That's the guy!

PAUL Let's get inside. Come on.

EDWINA [whisper] Who's that?

DONNA My partner. He's good people.

EDWINA He's hardly "people", wouldn't you say?

DONNA Don't knock it, sister!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

PAUL Okay, pal, you better start talking.

EDWINA Don't hurt him! He's the one who's been saving me!

PAUL [tough sounding] No one needs to get hurt - but someone DOES need to talk.

BEARD [mutters something]

PAUL What's that?

BEARD [low whisper] Just you. I'll talk to you. Not the ladies.

PAUL You all right with that? We'll catch up.

SOUND SNAP FINGERS

MUSIC In SUDDENLY

DONNA Edwina and I went on to the shop, careful to avoid any potentially life threatening situations.

MUSIC OUT

SOUND SHOP DOOR, WITH BELL

EDWINA He's not going to hurt him, is he?

DONNA I don't think it will come to that.

EDWINA Good. I-- I think I'm in love.

DONNA [stunned] What? With that--

EDWINA Handsome stranger who keeps saving my life?

DONNA You've got a point. But what about your husband?

EDWINA I hardly ever see him. He doesn't care.

DONNA And how do you know this guy is handsome? His face was all covered in that scarf.

EDWINA [deep excited breath] Oh! His piercing eyes! So mysterious. T think-- [almost something] I think he's shy.

DONNA While it's nice to see some color in your cheeks again, I think we need to shelve this until we solve the death-related part of the mystery.

EDWINA [sigh] All right.

DONNA Last night, I asked about the suitors you turned down. Did you have a chance to make a list?

EDWINA Oh! I forgot. So sorry.

DONNA We've got some time now.

EDWINA Oh, all right. Um... There was Bob Porthos--

DONNA The entrepreneur? [whistles]

EDWINA He was really fat. And Fred Crotchety, are you taking these down?

DONNA Mind like a steel trap. Crotchety?

EWINA Old. And don't even get me started on King Cole.

DONNA The Merry old - ah! "Old"?

EDWINA [duh!] Pattycake.

DONNA Hmm. Let me guess, there was something wrong with every single one of them.

EDWINA Pretty much. And if it wasn't something obvious, like being really short, or having terrible halitosis, I'd just pick on whatever was handy.

DONNA Bet you regret that now.

EDWINA You said it. I might have spent the last year in the lap of luxury with my old, fat or smelly husband. [thinks] Hmm. I guess I'm actually rather lucky.

DONNA Really?

EDWINA My husband is standoffish and emotionally unavailable, but at least he's not fat, old or smelly.

DONNA [slightly sarcastic] And doesn't talk in rhyme.

EDWINA [the horror!] Heaven forbid!!

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

DONNA Paul?

THUG Both of you, hands up!

EDWINA [scream!]

THUG Shut up!

EDWINA [cuts out suddenly with a hiccup]

DONNA Let me guess - you're the next "accident"?

THUG Shut up!

DONNA Why should I listen to you?

EDWINA [hissed] Because he's got a gun!

THUG I see she's the smart one.

DONNA What?

THUG Though you got the looks, babe.

DONNA What?

EDWINA Don't anger the thug!

DONNA Just watch. WHAT?

THUG Now, lets see... [muses] an accident...

SOUND HEAVY TIPPING NOISE, CROCKERY GOES EVERYWHERE

EDWINA [quick shriek, muffled]

THUG [telling himself a story] So someone broke in, and-- [sudden surprised gasp of pain]

MUSIC IN

PAUL The mystery man had only half satisfied my curiosity when we heard screams from the vicinity of Edwina's pottery shop.

THUG [screams like a girl]

MUSIC OUT

BEARD Something's happening!

PAUL [chuckles] They'll be fine. Finish what you were saying.

BEARD [melodramatic] I'll tell you whatever you want - AFTER we save her!

PAUL [sigh] All right.

MUSIC IN

PAUL He had it so bad it was almost cute. How could I refuse, being a fellow sufferer of that aeons-old disease called love?

MUSIC OUT

SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CRASH OF PLATE

DONNA Hah!

PAUL See?

BEARD [surprised] Oh. You're all right!

EDWINA Yes!

DONNA This guy--

SOUND RUSTLE AS SHE KICKS HIM

THUG [groan]

DONNA Broke in. He won't talk. [sweetly] I told him my partner is the really scary one.

PAUL Don't worry about it. I think I know where this is all leading.

DONNA Really?

PAUL Yes. Shh.

EDWINA [melodramatic, to Beard] It can never be.

BEARD What?

EDWINA I'm... I'm married. No matter that it wasn't my choice. It--

BEARD It's all right.

EDWINA No, it's not! You keep saving me, and making me love - uh - like - uh - appreciate you. It's not fair. To you.

BEARD You wouldn't consider... running off with me?

EDWINA A year ago, I might have said yes. In a heartbeat. But I'm not that same shallow girl any more. I simply can't break a solemn vow. You should go.

DONNA [sad] Ohhh!

PAUL [reassuring] Shh.

EDWINA Just know this. I love you!

BEARD I've waited so long to hear you say that.

EDWINA [confused] You ...have?

PAUL [whispered] Now for the big reveal.

SOUND RUSTLE OF FABRIC

EDWINA You!

DONNA Who?

PAUL Guess.

DONNA I don't know anyone with a beard that thick.

BEARD I'm so sorry I had to do it this way, but--

SOUND THUMP, HISS

PAUL Really? A grenade? [grunt of effort]

SOUND HISSING FLIES OFF

SOUND DISTANT EXPLOSION, SHRIEK OF PAIN & SURPRISE

PAUL Now that that's sorted out, I think it's time.

DONNA Time?

PAUL For the big denouement. And... I think a police presence is in order.

DONNA Where's a phone?

EDWINA What's going on?

BEARD Don't worry, my darling. I'll still always protect you.

MUSIC IN

PAUL We did a quick gathering of the suspects and arrived at Mr. Rexmussen's sumptuous estates with only half an hour to spare.

DONNA Before what?

PAUL The birthday.

GOLDY I'm the one that caught that!

DONNA AND PAUL Shut up!

GOLDY Hmph. Keep me posted.

PAUL Rexmussen's estate was a sprawling mass of putting green and ornamental garden, all surrounding a palatial sort of ... palace.

DONNA Evocative.

PAUL I've been studying Old Possum's word a day column in the Times.

DONNA [chuckles]

GOLDY uh-uh-uh! Conversation!

DONNA Fine!

SOUND MUSIC OUT

SOUND KNOCKING ON DOOR

SOUND TEENSY WINDOW OPENS

BUTLER Please good folks! This is not right! Banging on the door all night!

PAUL [grr] Pattycakes.

EDWINA [Imperious] Rouse my father, Frederick.

BUTLER The master sleeps, he will not wake. I beg you now, your leave to take.

SOUND WINDOW SHUTS

DONNA Blast. If only--

SOUND POLICE SIRENS BURP, THEN CUT OUT

PAUL [concerned] Ohhh boy.

DONNA Captain Oftheguard! So glad you came! Wait - I didn't - did you?

PAUL [grrrr] No.

OFTHEGUARD Your secretary called, said you're having some kind of ...denouement... at this here address?

PAUL [muttered] She'll never let us live this one down.

DONNA [wheedling] We need to get inside, Bruce, and talk to Edwina's father! Right now, before there's a murder!

OFTHEGUARD We'll see about that.

SOUND OFFICIAL POUNDING

BEARD No one's going to murder you!

EDWINA Oh, [falters] OH! [whispers] You never told me your first name.

BEARD Oh... uh... [horrible admission] Van dyke.

EDWINA Really? I would have pegged you as a garibaldi, or maybe a franz-josef with a side order of Z-Z.

BEARD [surprised] So you know my brothers?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

OFTHEGUARD Hey! Mother goose. Get your boss out here. This is the police.

FREDERICK You needn't speak in such a tone. My job is to see he's left alone.

OFTHEGUARD hmph. My job trumps your boss's orders - now let us through your fancy borders.

DONNA Oh, Bruce! I never knew you were bilingual!

PAUL [growl] Enough! I'll get us in.

SOUND MUSIC IN

PAUL It wasn't long before we were all sitting in Rexmussen's main sitting room.

MUSIC OUT

PAUL So there.

EDWINA Not to be confused with the informal withdrawing room, or the salon.

REXMUSSEN [cold] So nice to have you home again dear.

EDWINA [cold] Papa. [kiss kiss]

OFTHEGUARD I believe there was a denouement in the offing? Or are we here for pinochle?

REXMUSSUN A Denouement? Surely you don't mean--?

SOUND LIGHT FEET ENTER

MULVA [sexy little number] Rex, Honey? I miss my bunny?

EDWINA [horrified] Papa!

REXMUSSUN [covering, stiff] Go back to bed, Mulva. We'll talk in the morning.

EDWINA Papa!? What is ... that? [disgust] Her?

DONNA That's a whole nother denouement! Quick, music!

SOUND MUSIC IN, SOUND OF EDWINA AND REXMUSSUN ARGUING UNDER

REXMUSSUN I knew you would never be able to accept--

EDWINA A pattycake? Father! How could you!

MULVA Love is blind to age or youth. We knew you wouldn't like the truth.

REXMUSSUN You don't need to be here, dearest, to take this abuse.

EDWINA I'm glad mother's dead! This sort of ...perversion - it would have killed her to know.

[now the voiceover]

PAUL Could this have been another motive? Or part of the answer we already had?

DONNA We knew we had to sort it out quickly, or lose what might be our only chance to resolve this issue.

PAUL The money in the trust goes back to dear old dad if she dies in the next 15 minutes, right?

DONNA I think--

GOLDY [snide] That's what the papers said.

DONNA Fine. Thanx. What else did they say.

GOLDY Oh, so now you need me--

PAUL Get on with it! We're in the denouement!

GOLDY Dad's loaded. The entire trust wouldn't make pocket change for him.

DONNA And his new wife?

GOLDY Oh, that took a couple of very tricky phone calls. Seems they went out of state for a nice quiet little ceremony - the day AFTER dear daughter was whisked away to be wed.

PAUL So maybe this had nothing to do with the money at all?

DONNA What are we left with?

EVERYONE GASPS

PAUL That sounds like something. Quick!

SOUND MUSIC OUT

EDWINA The lights!

OFTHEGUARD Everyone stay where you are.

BEARD I'm here.

SOUND RUSTLE, THEN FOOTSTEPS

PAUL Was anyone near the lights when they went out?

EDWINA We were a bit...um... involved in a family ... discussion.

DONNA Where are the --

SOUND GUNSHOT

EDWINA [QUICK scream]

BEARD Oh no!

DONNA Quick! Paul!

SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

PAUL [growl]

FREDERICK Off, you beast! Get off of me! I'm no prey for such as thee!

PAUL Just for that! [unh!]

SOUND SMACK

SOUND CLICK OF LIGHTS BACK ON

OFTHEGUARD Him!?

EDWINA A servant?

REXMUSSUN Frederick?

DONNA [whispered] Paul? But why? Do you think he was paid?

PAUL [muttered] Hmm. No. [up] Oftheguard, I'll hand him over.

OFTHEGUARD What's the charge? Or at least the motive?

EDWINA Yes! What could he possibly get out of killing me? He's not in any position to inherit.

DONNA No one is - now.

PAUL Except your husband.

BEARD I've got plenty of my own, thanks.

DONNA Your birthday came and went 8 minutes ago. So this attempt ... [quizzical] must be unrelated?

PAUL But something else is.

DONNA Is what?

PAUL Related. [sharp] Rexmusson! This young lady may be your second wife, but I wager she's not the first pattycake that you've... um...

DONNA Played pattycake with?

PAUL I was trying for something a bit more pithy, but yes.

REXMUSSON [warning] I'm a very wealthy and powerful man! [shrug] And everyone needs a hobby.

EDWINA Papa!

MULVA But now I am your one and only? You'll never have to be so lonely.

REXMUSSON [not quite convincing] Of course, dear.

EDWINA This is just disgusting. I don't need to hear any more of this--

PAUL Just a bit more. Frederick? How long have you worked here?

EDWINA He's been here his entire life. Since we both [getting it] were children...

DONNA Ahhh. And his mother? She worked here, too?

EDWINA [revolted] Oh, now I am definitely leaving.

BEARD Hold on a bit longer.

EDWINA Hold me!

DONNA So you think that he did it out of revenge? For her being the pampered one and him getting.... a menial job?

PAUL Perhaps he felt that if there were no longer a legitimate heir to the Rexmusson estate, that his father would have to acknowledge him at last.

DONNA That's a huge bucket full of wishful thinking, you do realize that?

REXMUSSON Even if Edwina was killed, and that would never be my wish, dear, even if we don't see eye to eye on some things--

EDWINA [conciliatory] Oh, I should hope not.

REXMUSSON There's still going to be more legit heirs. Right my little pumpkiny-wumpkiny?

MULVA You'll have a little sister soon. We've counted down to the end of June.

EDWINA [no longer amused] We're leaving. Now.

BEARD There's no more danger?

OFTHEGUARD Not from this guy, there ain't.

BEARD Good. [leaving] Edwina? Darling?

FREDERICK Ouch! Ouch! Stop that, you! You hurt my--

OFTHEGUARD [cutting in] Everloving shoe. I know, I know. I've heard it all before. Now - "Come along quiet, you epic fail. You're taking a little trip to jail."

MUSIC IN

PAUL [snort, then annoyed] Progressive AND bilingual. How do you compete with that?

DONNA Hmm?

PAUL Nothing. [clears throat] So the case was closed, and for once we could say--

DONNA With a completely straight face--

PAUL uh... [whispered] You want to say it?

DONNA [sultry whisper] Let's do it together?

PAUL [grrrrow!] Count of three, then. One Two--

PAUL AND DONNA The butler did it. [both laugh]

PAUL You would never leave me, um, I mean the agency, I mean, detective work, for a ... a pattycake, wouldja?

DONNA Never fear, oh hairy one / the job, and you, are much more fun.

PAUL [growl!!] I do love it when she talks foreign!

part 1 of 2