19 Nocturne Boulevard

Cast List Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Fred Quarry - Carl Cubbedge "Bud" - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Infernique - Julia Belyea Ma - Angela Kirby

Music by: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bar parking lot, can't you tell?"

************************************************

FORCE MAJEURE

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Rena

Matilda

Fred Quarry, fat male comedian

Beelzebud

Infernique

Ma

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a parking lot of a low life honky tonk, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND DISTANT TRAFFIC, MUFFLED VERY LOUD MUSIC

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, MUSIC GETS LOUDER, SOUND OF A FIGHT

SOUND DOOR SLAMS, FOOTSTEPS SET OUT ACROSS PARKING LOT

SOUND DOOR QUICKLY OPENS AND SHUTS, SECOND PAIR OF FEET SCUTTLE AFTER FIRST

QUARRY [coming on] Come on! I'm sorry about that! I really needed to know if you're as good as you're hyped up to be.

RENA [Snort]

QUARRY I - I need some help here! there's no place else I can turn.

RENA [low uninflected growl] Bite me.

SOUND DOOT_DOOT OF CAR DOOR REMOTE

SOUND QUARRY'S FEET STOP

QUARRY I - I'm about to be murdered.

SOUND RENA'S FOOTSTEPS HESITATE JUST A SECOND, THEN CONTINUE.

SOUND CAR DOOR YANKED OPEN

SOUND QUARRY'S FEET NERVOUSLY DASH FORWARD

QUARRY No one will take me seriously - my agent, my wife. Certainly not the police.

RENA [quiet] Big surprise.

SOUND THE CAR SQUEAKS AS SHE CLIMBS IN.

QUARRY [beginning to squeal] I'm desperate here! Can't you just listen?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

QUARRY [squeaks as the door almost catches him]

SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER

QUARRY I've got money! If this isn't enough, I'll write you a bigger one! Whatever you want!

SOUND CHECK SLAPPED FLAT AGAINST THE WINDOW

SOUND INSIDE THE CAR, NO NIGHT NOISES. QUARRY'S VOICE IS VERY MUTED

QUARRY Anything!

RENA [sighs]

SOUND BUTTON PUSHED, WINDOW COMES DOWN, PAPER SNATCHED

RENA Get in.

SOUND THE DOOR LOCKS CLICK.

MUSIC JAZZ, UP AND THEN UNDER AS IT PLAYS ON THE CAR STEREO.

SOUND STARTS DRIVING AS THEY TALK

RENA What if this guy that's got you wee-ing yourself gets you while I'm out looking for him?

QUARRY He's...he's not gonna kill me 'til Saturday.

RENA He sent an itinerary?

QUARRY [very evasive] It was all in the note.

RENA [skeptical] But you believe him?

QUARRY Where are we going?

RENA We're just going. [beat] Why's he after you?

QUARRY Why? I mean why does anyone do something wacko? He probably just wants to be famous.

RENA And killing you would make him famous.

QUARRY [duh] Well, yeah.

RENA Why?

QUARRY Don't you - you don't... know who I am? I'm Fred Quarry! I told you that back in the bar.

RENA I was a little busy fighting off your thug.

QUARRY The Fred Quarry - you know, with the sitcom, and the late night talk show?

RENA I don't watch much.

QUARRY I was on the cover of T.V. Guide twice last year - don'tcha shop at supermarkets?

RENA [still flat] Oh, THAT Fred Quarry.

QUARRY That's what I've been saying. I'm famous. Even you must have heard someone say- [catchphrase>] "No! Reeeeally?"

RENA No. Really.

MUSIC

SOUND COMPUTER NOISES [MAT] CLEANING A GUN [RENA]

MATILDA You buy it?

RENA He's hiding something.

MATILDA Most people are.

RENA Not me.

MATILDA But you're a robot. [beat] Oh, come on.

RENA It wasn't funny when when we were kids, and it's not funny now.

MATILDA [sigh] Fine. What now?

RENA You find anything on Quarry?

MATILDA He's actually pretty clean, for a hollywood bigshot. Meteoric rise to fame, starring roles, gonna be roasted on comedy central.

RENA If this guy doesn't roast him first.

SOUND SLAPS THE SLIDE BACK INTO THE GUN

MUSIC

AMB CAFE

QUARRY Nothing?

RENA Nothing. Your guy's in the wind. Invisible.

QUARRY [dreadful revelation] Of course...

RENA What?

QUARRY He... well... [gasp, then panicking] Oh crap! Oh CRAP!

SOUND TRYING TO SQUEEZE OUT OF THE BOOTH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE

SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES

RENA What's up?

QUARRY He said not until Saturday!!!

RENA [calm and dangerous] He won't do anything here.

QUARRY You don't know that! Shit shit SHIT shit shit.

RENA I won't let anything happen - we have an agreement--

QUARRY [squeals]

SOUND HE FALLS OUT ONTO THE FLOOR

SOUND FEET WALK UP AND STOP

RENA Are you supposed to be someone famous too? Or just a goomba hit man?

BUD [affable] What could my pal here be telling you? He's a little sensitive, ya know? A little... over-imaginative. All good entertainers are. [dangerous] Arentcha?

QUARRY [mumbled] Go away.

BUD [tsks] You're just undignified on the floor like that.

SOUND CHAIR PULLS UP, BUD SITS

BUD Want a hand?

QUARRY [squeal]

SOUND TRYING TO SCUTTLE AWAY

RENA What are your plans?

BUD Plans? Just breakfast here with friends.

SOUND MENU FLAPS

BUD [pretending to read] What's good here?

RENA For Fred.

BUD Him? They gotta low-cal menu?

RENA I mean--

BUD [exasperated sigh] Look sweetheart, drop this. Whatever Fred here's told you, it ain't like that at all. [serious] This ain't a game you can win.

QUARRY [whining] You said Saturday. You shouldn't be here.

RENA What is it, then?

BUD [chuckles] Ask your boy about his contract.

QUARRY [high whine]

MUSIC

MATILDA And then he just left?

RENA Yup. But he dropped this.

SOUND SLAP OF PLASTIC CARD ON TABLE

MATILDA Oh, please - how transparent. Either he's an idiot or he's setting up a meet.

RENA Too early to tell.

MATILDA [musing] But he didn't deny anything. Hmm. Did I get everything on the description?

SOUND COMPUTER KEYS

MATILDA [reading] 5'6, narrow face, dark hair - slightly receding, crooked teeth, wiry, but looks tough?

RENA Yup.

MATILDA Looks something like this?

RENA [leans in] Yeah. Not the guy, but that same kind of look.

MATILDA Great. So we're hunting Steve Buscemi in a pale green leisure suit.

MUSIC

SOUND HOTEL KEY CARD, DOOR OPENS SURREPTITIOUSLY

SOUND QUIET FOOTSTEPS

SOUND LIGHT SWITCH

BUD Hiya.

RENA [disgusted noise, then resigned] My sister says--

BUD [chuckles] Yeah? Well, I ain't an idiot. C'mon in.

RENA [disturbed, suspicious] Yeah.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

BUD You wanna drink? The mini-bar ain't world class, but... it's on me.

RENA I wouldn't drink anything "on you."

BUD [ouch noise] Brass tacks, then. You want to know why you should drop whiny boy's case? Try this.

SOUND FLIPS OUT BUSINESS CARD

RENA "Beelzebud - Recruitment - F-M-C"?

SOUND FLASH FLAME

RENA [gasps, blows on fingers] Beelze-what?

BUD Just call me Bud. I hate being mistaken for that other guy. It's not like I'm Joe Estevez. [beat] Frank Stallone?

RENA [she's not getting the joke] Nice card. Flashpaper?

BUD [disgusted sigh] All right-- [voice begins to change] How plain do I have to make this? Tell your sister [raises his voice] or is she listening right now?

RENA [gasp]

MATILDA [filter, quiet] What the--?

BUD [still raised] Get on the internet and look up demons. [voice very demonic] There's a particularly good Web site at www dot legion dot H-E-L, but I'm not sure you can access it. [coming back to normal] It ain't exactly ... user friendly. And god knows it ain't Vista compatible.

RENA [flat, unbelieving] You're a demon?

BUD [sigh] Whaddaya want, horns? That's such a drag - always having to fix my hair again once I get done showing off.

RENA Yeah, that's a lot of grease to reapply.

BUD [long intake of breath, then sucks his teeth] I like you. You don't scare. [beat] You guess my interest in Freddy boy yet? How bout you phone a friend - eh, sis?

MATILDA [filter, getting it] A contract.

RENA A contract...?

BUD Bingo. I held up my end, and now he wants to welsh. So who's really in the wrong? 'Sides, there's nothing you can do - I get his life. One way or another, Quarry's gonna die. He might slip in the shower, choke on a herringbone, or have a turtle drop out of the freakin' sky on his head - but he will die. I don't even gotta be there.

MUSIC

SOUND POUNDING ON A DOOR

QUARRY [squeak]

SOUND CHAIN LOCK OFF, STARTS TO OPEN DOOR, BUT IT SLAMS OPEN ON HIM

QUARRY [Starts to scream, is muffled]

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

SOUND BODY UP AGAINST WALL

RENA I believe this is yours.

SOUND BUNCH OF PAPER FLIPPED OUT ALL OVER FLOOR

QUARRY [squinched up] You said you don't give refunds.

RENA I'm making an exception. You're lucky I don't feel like breaking my "I don't beat the crap out of my employers" rule, too.

SOUND CRUMPLING MONEY

QUARRY [crying piteously] Look at me - oodles of money, married to a supermodel, top of the world - and it's all ashes.

RENA You made your own bed.

QUARRY [getting a bit tough] So I don't wanna die - is that so wrong?

RENA Everyone dies.

QUARRY But me - I'm gonna die day after tomorrow!!! And you won't even help!

RENA Does the word "demon" ring a bell?

QUARRY Wouldya have believed me? I don't think so.

RENA [mocking his catchphrase] No. Reeeeally?

MUSIC

SOUND DRIVING IN A CAR

MATILDA [on filter] Too bad. He is Fred Quarry.

RENA I still don't care. He's a weasely little shmuck.

MATILDA Too bad you didn't keep the check - once he's dead, that signature'll be worth big bucks.

RENA Oh, please.

MATILDA I have the soul of a collector.

RENA And the taste of a crazy cat lady.

MATILDA [huffy] I have never tasted a crazy cat lady in my life.

RENA [snort, almost a chuckle]

MUSIC

SOUND SNORING [rena]

SOUND PHONE RINGS

SOUND FUMBLING FOR PHONE, PICKS UP

RENA [barely awake] What?

BUD [filter] Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, eh?

RENA Yup. Thanks for calling.

SOUND STARTS TO FUMBLE PHONE BACK

BUD [filter, getting smaller] Wait-wait-wait! Should I call back after you have some coffee? Lithium?

RENA [sigh] Speak.

BUD [filter] This ain't exactly something I wanna discuss over the phone.

RENA Where?

MUSIC

SOUND PARK AMB

SOUND FEET ON GRAVEL

RENA So?

BUD Your sister on the line?

RENA Yeah.

BUD Where?

RENA Where what? She's at our office.

BUD She always is, isn't she? She don't get out much. I mean where's the mike?

RENA Does it matter?

BUD I don't like being bugged.

RENA I can always leave.

BUD No, no. Well, if she's gonna be part of this deeply personal conversation - introduce us, wouldja?

RENA Matilda. Bud. Happy?

BUD Thrilled. And you?

RENA I'm thrilled too.

BUD Your name. You know mine.

RENA I've already forgotten it.

BUD Bud.

RENA Rena. You're lucky I'm not charging by the minute.

BUD Fine. I gotta trade for ya - I leave your boy sucking air, and you do something for me.

RENA He's not my boy.

BUD Well.... see if you can get back on the payroll, and take him for as much as you can get. [sigh] I wouldn't even consider any of this but you don't strike me like someone who's gonna laugh me out.

MATILDA [filter, quiet] Wow, finally your lack of a sense of humor actually comes in handy.

BUD [uncomfortable] See, I ain't had a date in a really long time--

RENA Not interested.

SOUND STARTS TO WALK AWAY.

MATILDA [filter, quiet] I might be. I loved Fargo.

BUD [demonic voice] LISTEN.

SOUND FEET STOP

BUD No offense to you, sweet cheeks, but dating a human is like having a freaking hamster for a pet. Cute and cuddly, but the relationship has the lifespan of about a week. [lighter] Besides that wheel just gets on your freakin' nerves. [laughs]

RENA That "funny". How's that working for you?

BUD I'm an acquired taste. So... [long breath] I spotted another demon. A real looker. Last night at a club. Dark hair, sleek body...

RENA Do I look like a yenta?

BUD [urgent] Find out who she is and get me a date.

RENA A... date?

BUD Yeah, a date - I don't mean you gotta guarantee "va-va-voom" or nothing, just get her to go out with me. If I can't take it from there, well... that's my problem.

RENA And Quarry goes free.

BUD Well... Instead of death, I can settle for total ruination. People come back from worse every day. Look at Rob Lowe. Marion Barry?

MATILDA I'll call Fred!

MUSIC

SOUND OUTSIDE, APPROACHING A NIGHTCLUB

RENA [musing] Goblin and the Trolls - Delightful. Bad sixties rehash or cheez metal?

MATILDA Give me a second.

RENA It was rhetorical.

MATILDA Cheez.

RENA What?

MATILDA The band. They sound like Gwar without the bodily fluids.

RENA Woo. This better work. How do I turn it on?

SOUND BOX OPENS; CHIMEY HUM, MUTED - GETS LOUDER AS SHE GOES THROUGH THE DOOR. MUSIC IS PLAYING

MATILDA Dunno - Bud just said that crystal would lead you to-- Oh, jeez.

RENA What?

SOUND CHIMEY THING GETS LOUDER.

MATILDA Feedback. Call when you turn it off.

SOUND MATILDA OUT

RENA Oh, goody.

MUSIC

MUSIC MUTES WITH THE SHUTTING OF A DOOR

SOUND SINK RUNS, THEN STOPS.

SOUND LIPSTICK OPENS.

SOUND PAPER TOWELS

RENA [very uncomfortable] Hi.

INFERNIQUE It's not your color.

RENA No, I--

INFERNIQUE Weren't you asking to borrow my lipstick?

RENA No, I--

INFERNIQUE Then... [smacks lips] No, I'm not into chicks.

RENA No! I--

INFERNIQUE [sigh] What, then?

RENA [fumbling, flustered] This is going to sound... well, like something out of junior high school.

INFERNIQUE Dissection?

RENA I have a sort of a ...friend who wants me to tell you that he thinks you're ... attractive - and he wants me to - he wants to ... ask you out.

INFERNIQUE And he's what ... shy?

RENA No, he's one of - your kind. He saw you here last night--

INFERNIQUE That iguana in the leisure suit? I don't think so.

SOUND BUSINESS CARD SLAPPED ONTO COUNTER

RENA Just in case, here's my--

SOUND BODY SLAMMED UP AGAINST WALL

RENA [gasp]

INFERNIQUE [suddenly intense] Don't try to set me up, bait. I happen to be honest. If you're some kind of half-ass demon-hunter, you can bite me, [demonic whisper] and I don't mean in the nice way.

SOUND MUSIC STARTS

SOUND BODY SLAMMED BACK INTO WALL

INFERNIQUE Gotta go, sweetheart - my boys are on.

MUSIC

SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT, SMACK TO STEERING WHEEL

RENA I hate bitches.

SOUND PUNCHING BUTTONS ON A CELLPHONE

RENA Especially DEMON bitches.

BUD I take it the date's off?

SOUND PHONE FALLS TO FLOOR, STILL RINGING

RENA [completely surprised] What the crap? How'd you get into my--

BUD "Demon"?

RENA Right. That.

MATILDA [filter] What's up? Hang up your phone.

RENA It's on the floor. Yes, she wouldn't go for it.

BUD Figures. Classy deme like that. [sigh] It was worth a try. I owe you something.

RENA No thanks.

BUD Nonsense. I always pay up. How about a new car or something?

RENA Answer some questions.

BUD If I can - some things man ain't meant to know.

RENA This demon bitch said she's "honest"?

BUD So?

RENA The way she said it, it seems like it meant something ... more.

BUD [trying to decide] Hmm. Yeah, you can know that. Ok, I think your basic problem here is that you're thinking demons are the enemies of god, right?

RENA Go on.

BUD See, what you're forgetting is that in a big business, the janitors work for the same boss as the executives. Get me?

MATILDA [filter] Interesting.

RENA No.

BUD God made folks able to choose right from wrong. He wants 'em to choose, right, sure, but if wrong ain't enticing, it ain't a fair test.

MATILDA [filter] Makes sense.

BUD So, you get a bunch of mooks like me running around tempting people. If they're good clean folks who would rather do the right thing, then they just don't take us up on it. Otherwise...

MATILDA [filter] Sort of like if chocolate tasted like celery, we'd all be a size 8.

RENA Matilda says--

BUD Skip the replay - I can hear her.

RENA So, "Honest"?

BUD Right, um. We have rules. We don't lie to make a deal - we omit everything under the sun, but can't tell an actual untruth. We can only offer stuff, in return for... stuff. We can't threaten folks - you know, say something like "if you don't sign, we'll kill your dog", y'know? [joking] And it's murder if you pull out the red-hot pokers.

MATILDA [filter] So why hasn't he - sorry, why haven't you - tried to tempt us?

BUD You're not my type. Uh, no offense - my department is fat male comedians. You may have seen some of my work.

MATILDA [filter] Really? Like John Belushi? John Candy? [ghoulish] Fatty Arbuckle?

BUD Far be it from me to name names, but let's just say how else would Tommy Boy and Black Sheep both get made?

MATILDA [filter] Wow. So what do you... do?

BUD Actually, not much. I mean, the way I roll is I don't make talentless gobs into stars - much easier to scout the ones who actually have what it takes but no luck, catch 'em at a low point, and scoop them and their haagen dasz up like sand on the beach. Do a little work - pretty much like any other agent - and reap the rewards.

RENA You're a shit.

BUD Pretty much like any other agent.

RENA Your percentage is a little high.

BUD Look, babe. It's my job. It may be a crap job, but I'm good at it. Always in the black. And you don't want to run over on these kinds of projects - the accounting department - whew! I mean, you wanna see bureacracy, go to hell.

MATILDA [filter] But you could - decide not to kill Quarry?

BUD Well, it seems like a wash now, but yeah - I gotta little discretion. Won't be a gold star on my record, but I stay ahead enough - basically he'd be a small loss, like losing money for a tax writeoff.

MUSIC

SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER, EATING NOISES

SOUND TV, COMPUTER, PLAYS IN BG

MATILDA [around food] Hold on, um, here--

SOUND REMOTE CLICKS, T.V. SOUND UP

QUARRY [on T.V.] No, Reeeally?

SOUND [on T.V.] MUSIC CUTS TO COMMERCIAL, SOUND DOWN

RENA He's still an idiot.

MATILDA You don't feel sorry for him? At all?

RENA Right. Next I can feel sorry for the chain smoker who's going through cancer and the gangbanger who gets caught in a drive by. Let's just help everyone.

MATILDA [tsks]

SOUND KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

RENA Got it.

SOUND CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS, LITTLE METAL PEEPHOLE DOOR

RENA What?

QUARRY [outside] Can we talk?

RENA [disgusted sigh, calls over her shoulder] Incoming!

SOUND SEVERAL LOCKS UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS

QUARRY [coming in] I brought someone to talk to you. Maybe it'll help.

MA [old and feeble] Hi.

RENA I thought she was a supermodel.

QUARRY Huh?

MA You're thinking of Divana, his wife. I'm his mother.

MATILDA Is that--? [laughs] No, Reeeally?

QUARRY [disconcerted] Uh, who's that?

RENA My sister. She's a big fan.

MA [quiet] Oh.

QUARRY You stay here, ma, and talk to this nice lady, I'll go sign an autograph or something.

MA Um. [quietly] So, you're a friend of Fred's?

RENA No.

MA Oh, uh - Fred's such a nice boy. He paid off my mortgage.

RENA Good for you.

MA And he even bought me a new hip. You should really help with whatever--

MATILDA [from off] Oh my god! Is that Mamma Farnaby? Bring her on over!

MA [losing the cutesy old lady] Oh, Crap.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, KICKING A BAG ASIDE

RENA You know her?

QUARRY [mumbled] She's my... mom.

MATILDA She plays his mother on the show.

MA I tried.

MATILDA Come on over, I gotta get your autograph too!

MUSIC

SOUND CAR DOOR CLOSES, KEYS INTO IGNITION

RENA [talking to Mat] Yes, I got them. Um-hmm, The frosted kind, not the glazed--

INFERNIQUE [pointed sigh]

RENA Oh, I should have mentioned the black-eyed bitch in the back seat. Why are you here?

INFERNIQUE To make a deal.

RENA How'd you find me?

INFERIQUE You left me your card.

RENA Funny how that connects up to catching me in the car at the grocery store.

INFERNIQUE I'm here to make a deal. A one time offer.

RENA Deal?

INFERNIQUE I will go to [disgusted] karaoke, or miniature golf, or whatever appeals to your... [slur] friend. But you have to do something for me.

RENA I'm listening?

INFERNIQUE I've run a bit over budget for my "current project". You do understand what I'm talking about?

RENA I've got the basics. Hell. Bureaucracy. Budgets.

INFERNIQUE Good. My current client is the "singer" for that ...band.

RENA I'm sorry.

INFERNIQUE And I need someone to kill him.

RENA [beat, but still even] Isn't that... cheating?

INFERNIQUE Don't ask. Don't tell.

MUSIC

SOUND LOCKS UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

[laughter]

SOUND TV PAUSES

RENA [coming in] They only had a dozen-- oh.

MATILDA [off] There won't be enough to go around.

QUARRY [off] What'dja bring?

MA [off] I'm off grains anyway.

SOUND FEET

RENA I take it you weren't on the cans the whole time I was gone?

MATILDA [sharp] What? You said you got the frosted ones, then hung up.

RENA Shit. Get your ears on. I'll step outside.

QUARRY [eager] We could - you know - leave.

MA I do have a rolfing session at 5.

MATILDA Oh, all right. Come back sometime, ya hear?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

MATILDA [calling] Bye! Thanx again for hanging out!

MA Bye, dear.

MATILDA Give me one, willya?

RENA [beat] She means you.

QUARRY Right. [deep breath, then in character] No, Reeeaally?

MATILDA [laughs delightedly] Yay!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BUT PEEPHOLE DOOR OPENS

RENA [talking loudly] It was that demon chick.

MATILDA [both quiet and on filter] You don't have to yell.

RENA She said if I killed her "client", she would get Bud to let Quarrie off.

MATILDA You shouldn't--

RENA Yeah, that singer with the band. I just don't think I can do that. Even for ten times the money. I'm just... not a killer.

MATILDA [quiet] But you are a conniving bitch.

RENA I guess I can think about it, but your pal's time is nearly up. [overly dramatic sigh]

MATILDA How will you get him there?

RENA I suppose it can't hurt to go and see the band tonight. See what the vic's like.

MATILDA [chuckles evilly] I suppose it can't.

SOUND A MOMENT, THEN LITTLE METAL DOOR SHUTS

RENA Did he give you a new check?

MUSIC

AMB BACK ALLEY

INFERNIQUE Goblin's not dead yet.

RENA [gasp, slightly irritated] You really need to stop doing that.

INFERNIQUE It's part of my charm. Ask your little "friend."

RENA You said that as long as Goblin's dead by midnight, you'll--

INFERNIQUE Must I say it again? "go out with that... fellow."

RENA Bud.

INFERNIQUE [as if it's offal] Bud.

RENA Right. Thanks.

INFERNIQUE See you later. [slowly sounding demonic] Don't jerk me around. You wouldn't like to see me angry.

RENA [unruffled] Yeah. Betcha get ugly. I'll be inside.

SOUND STEPS, DOOR OPENS

BUD Was that wise?

RENA Promising a dead goblin?

BUD Uh, no - pissing her off. [avid] Not that she ain't seriously hot when she lets the red out, but--

RENA It's fine. And you'll be in the black.

MATILDA [on radio] Though I'll bet he'd rather be "in the red" ... at least if she's steamy enough...

BUD Hah! You gotta dirty mind, babe.

RENA Darn. And all I got was looks.

SOUND 3 GUN SHOTS

BUD What the--?

RENA Hold on. [waits a second]

BUD [whispered] I don't hear nothing.

RENA Ok. He's coming.

BUD What?

RENA Had to make sure there weren't any more.

BUD What--?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

QUARRY [under his breath] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!

RENA Over here.

QUARRY What?

BUD [realizing] Oh? Oh! That's beautiful!

QUARRY I gotta get out of here!

RENA No.

QUARRY What?

RENA Do you have your story?

QUARRY Story?

RENA Play the crazy card.

QUARRY Crazy - Look, ask him-- no, I'll ask him-- [yelling off] Am I out? I mean, are we square?

BUD [smug] We'll know in just a sec, won't we?

RENA Fred, focus. Crazy talk.

QUARRY Why?

RENA You're gonna get caught.

QUARRY No! I mean - why?

BUD She's right. About a surprising lot of things, Freddy babe. You can't walk away free and clear, but--

INFERNIQUE He's dead. [mock sympathy] Before you could even get in there. Too bad about that.

QUARRY [long squeal] Noooo!

BUD Ah, crap.

RENA [calm] I never said I was going to kill him.

INFERNIQUE You--

RENA I specified "as long as he's dead by midnight--" and you agreed.

MATILDA [on radio] You want a playback on that? For your records, maybe?

INDERNIQUE Blast you!

BUD You can blast me, babe. But... you know you gotta come through. For her.

INFERNIQUE [long hissing breath as she decides] Fine! But you may just rue this day later.

BUD Freddy there will.

QUARRY I'm just tickled there is a later.

BUD Oh, yeah. You're clear. [to Inf] Shall we? I know this cute little place where they make the best lobster calzone. Mwa! [to Fred] Make sure your check doesn't bounce. Those chicks'll fuck you up.

RENA Yup.

QUARRY Cash it quick.

RENA Now for the crazy talk.

MUSIC

TV NEWS --Remanded for psychiatric evaluation after he broke down on the stand and claimed that the devil demanded he kill or be killed.

MATILDA Tsk. They should be nicer to that poor boy.

RENA Why?

MATILDA The rest of the news is all politicians and disasters.

RENA So?

MATILDA He's a rarity.

RENA A celebrity criminal?

MATILDA Someone actually telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

RENA [almost a chuckle]

CLOSER

Space does weird things to people.

Our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne?fan_landing=true

What do you do when you walk into your living room and find a demon? And he claims his name is Bob? "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment hallway, can't you tell?"

Cast List Sherry - Angela Kirby Bob Johnson - Gene Thorkildsen Bob Johnston - Henry Mark Carmelita - Kristina Yuen Goat - himself

Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) and Zlata Dzardanova Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

************************************************

THE WRONG BOB

Cast:

Olivia

Bob Johnson, neatnik unlucky accountant

Bob Johnston, womanizing creep

Sherry Miller, nice girl, also an accountant

Carmelita, fortuneteller / sorceress

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an apartment house hallway, can't you tell?

MUSIC SCHMALTZY, INDETERMINATE TIME PERIOD

FADES INTO

SHERRY [Whistling, continues until noted]

SOUND RATTLE OF KEYS, KEY INTO LOCK, KEY TURNS

SOUND DOOR OPENS. A COUPLE FOOTSTEPS. RATTLE OF PAPER GROCERY BAG.

SHERRY [Whistle ends, grunt of effort]

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, LOCK CLICKS. FOOTSTEPS TURN--

BOB [Deep, scary demon voice] SHERRY!

SHERRY [Screams!]

SOUND PAPER GROCERY BAG FALLS TO FLOOR. SOMETHING GLASS SMASHES

BOB [Deep, scary demon voice, but worried tone] Shh! [then, commanding] BE QUIET!

SHERRY [Muffles herself, still squeaking, dissolves into sobs]

BOB [Worried tone] It's not what you think.

SHERRY I-- What?

BOB It's not what you think.

SHERRY I walk in to find a demon on my couch, and it's not what I think?

BOB I'm not a demon. I ...think.

SHERRY [starting to get feisty] Well, the red skin, wings, and-- and hooves! [gasp, then upset] My hardwood! [angry] Huh! Sure woulda fooled me!

BOB It's me. Bob.

SHERRY [puzzled] Bob... who? A demon named Bob?

BOB No. Bob Johnson? Next desk over?

SHERRY Anal Bob? I mean..... um....

BOB [sighs heavily] Yes. Bob Johnson.

SHERRY How can I be sure? You don't look anything like--

BOB I cleaned your kitchen while I was waiting for you to get home.

SHERRY Okay. You're Bob. How did you get in here?

BOB [abashed] Your landlord was... surprisingly cooperative.

SHERRY [working herself up] Now, two questions before I have to start screaming again--

BOB Oh, please don't--!

SHERRY How did this happen?

BOB I don't know.

SHERRY [Screaming] And why are you in my living room?

BOB [cowed] I-- I-- I thought you might be able to help. You're the only person I know who, seems to know about witchcraft and things.

SHERRY Witchcraft? Me?

BOB Well, you have a tarot card calendar at your desk.

SHERRY [sigh]

MUSIC

SOUND RATTLE OF TEACUPS

SHERRY So you just woke up this way?

BOB [really down] Yes.

SHERRY And you haven't done anything truly terrible, like murder or blasphemy or anything?

BOB I...wouldn't...know? I'm not even Catholic!

SHERRY But you'd remember if you murdered anyone?

BOB [duh] Well, yes. It would probably be in my day planner.

SHERRY I really hope you're kidding.

SOUND TEA CUP SHATTERS

BOB Darn! Stupid claws.

SHERRY Don't worry about it. Look, Bob, this is serious. You have to think!

BOB I'm baffled. You know me. I don't do -- anything. I read trade journals for accounting, and watch movies about private eyes.

SHERRY You use the word "baffled" in conversation.

BOB I clean my house. I sometimes build models out of matchsticks. Once - once! - I got drunk and sang Louie, Louie at karaoke. That's-- that's about it.

SHERRY Ok, we've got to do something. I'll go to your house--

BOB 345 Canterbury Drive--

SHERRY --and look around, see if there's a gateway to the underworld, or some kind of evil fetish doll or something. Give me your keys.

BOB [apologetic] I-- don't have pockets.

SHERRY [sigh]

BOB But I do have a key hidden in a crack under the windowsill of the third window on the left hand side of the--[fades out]

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS, STEPS

SHERRY Bob?

BOB [muffled] Over here.

SHERRY Oh. Why are you trying to hide?

BOB In case anyone came in.

SHERRY I'm the only one with a key.

BOB I didn't know if you might have a ... guy ... or something. [quickly] Or a girl. [shrug] You know. I don't - just don't know. Sorry

SHERRY Bob. I'm not a lesbian, no matter what Fritz in acquisitions says - I just didn't want to go out with him. Way too full of himself. And I don't have a boyfriend.

BOB Oh. Sorry.

SHERRY Stop apologizing!

BOB Did you find anything that might--?

SHERRY Nope. But I did pick up your mail.

SOUND SLAPS MAIL ON TABLE

BOB Um... Could you open it for me?

SHERRY What?

BOB I can't just leave it sitting there.

SHERRY Do what you gotta do. [moving off] I need to eat something, anyway.

BOB I took all the expired food out of your fridge and threw it away.

SHERRY [from off] [sigh] Thanks.

BOB [calling] But I can't open my mail.

SHERRY [calling] What?

BOB [calling] The claws. That's why I gave up on washing your dishes.

SHERRY [off] Aw, jeez. [sigh] Okay, give me time for a sandwich.

MUSIC

SOUND TEARING SOUND

SHERRY [shocked] Bob!

BOB MM? What? [gasping, turning redder] Oh, goodness-- that's not mine!

SHERRY [half teasing] Like hell it isn't, you perv.

BOB It's not - look at the address. [begging] Seriously.

SHERRY Bob Johnston, 345 Canterbury Court. Sounds right, though they misspelled--

BOB I'm at Canterbury drive. Not court. And I don't have a T in my name. [agonized] I get this guy's mail all the time. [pause] I should have checked before asking you to open stuff. Sorry.

SOUND PAGES TURNING

SHERRY Hmm. Always wondered what that was for-- [snapped back to conversation] What was that?

BOB This guy. He gets my mail, I get his. I started having anything identity theft-ish sent to a p.o. box, just so it couldn't end up in this joker's hands.

SHERRY Does he get a lot of these catalogs?

BOB That one's pretty tame. They were amusing at first, but now it's like - it's like I have no spam filter. [breaks down in tears]

SHERRY Hey, Bob. C'mon, it isn't that bad.

BOB Yes it is.

SHERRY That you get the occasional catalog from a sex shop?

BOB And packages. There's a whole stack of them in the front hall closet that he hasn't come and picked up yet this month.

SHERRY Is that what those were? Packages... Are you sure they're all ... naughty stuff?

BOB No, I guess not, but what else would they be? Encyclopedias? I just see his name and toss them into the closet - plus I don't ever order anything.

SHERRY Hmm. [musing] Maybe I'll return them to him. A chance to see this creep.

BOB [down] Yeah.

SHERRY What?

BOB Apparently, despite his ... hobbies ... women seem to, well... like him. You'll probably end up liking him too.

SHERRY I'm not that easy. Just ask Fritz.

MUSIC

AMBIANCE LIGHT MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

SHERRY [giggles, sounds slightly drunk] and then I fell off the stage!

JOHNSTON [soooo smooth] Really? I can't imagine you being so - uncoordinated. You have such grace.

SHERRY Me? Ohh! [oh, you!]

JOHNSTON I like grace - it's so rare. And grace lasts. Like personality.

SHERRY [a little cautious] Oh?

JOHNSTON I can't help it - I take the long view on things. Think about what it might be like - you know - if we were still together years from now.

SHERRY And what do you see?

JOHNSTON Long walks on the beach. Candlelit dinners. Wow - I can - you know, you're just someone I can really talk to. [rueful chuckle] Usually I don't admit how much I like simple things...

SOUND PHONE RINGS, KEEPS RINGING UNTIL PICKED UP

SHERRY Go ahead.

JOHNSTON It can go to voice.

SHERRY Nah. I need a moment, anyway. Down the hall?

JOHNSTON On the left.

SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS GO, THEN SLOW AND STOP

SOUND HE PICKS UP PHONE

SHERRY Hmm? [stopping to listen]

JOHNSTON [slightly off, bright] You got Bob! [exasperated sigh, then angry] Look, you-- [beat] No! I don't care-- [beat] Call them. See if I care!

SOUND SLAMS DOWN PHONE

SHERRY Hmm!

SOUND SHE TIPTOES AWAY

SHERRY [going off] Four one hundred, five one hundred, six--

SOUND [beat, then] FLUSH

JOHNSTON [muttered, like a curse] Women.

SOUND SHERRIE'S FEET, COMING BACK ON

SHERRY Wow - I just realized the time!

JOHNSTON What, but--

SHERRY Thank you so much for your ... hospitality.

JOHNSTON [cajoling] Come on, sweet thing - the night is young!

SHERRY But my mother isn't - and she expects me to bring her her medicine. Can't disappoint mom.

JOHNSTON No. Of course. Can I - see you again?

SHERRY Hmm. I think that can be arranged.

SOUND QUICK MWA GOODNIGHT KISS, THEN DOOR OPENS

MUSIC

SOUND PHONE RINGS

BOB Oh, crap.

SOUND PHONE RINGS SEVERAL MORE TIMES

BOB [undecided] Uhh... Stop! Go away! She's not home!

SOUND PHONE STOPS, CLICK

BOB [sigh of relief]

SOUND MESSAGE COMES ON

BOB [gasp of surprise]

SHERRY Hi! This is Sherry. Leave a message.

BOB [sigh of relief]

SOUND BEEP

SHERRY [on the phone] Bob! Don't break my phone, just listen.

BOB Ok.

SHERRY [on the phone] Jeez, I hope you're there. [chuckle] Where else would he be? Right. I'm going to consult an expert. I'm just leaving Bob's place - the other Bob's place - and there's this fortuneteller shop. It's probably all a crock, but it's a place to start. So don't be surprised if I'm not home any time soon. [beat] Oh, and you're gonna owe me whatever I have to pay this fortuneteller chick.

BOB I don't have any pockets.

SHERRY [on the phone] When you're back. Normal, I mean. Bye!

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP, DIAL TONE, THEN OUT

BOB [musing] I guess in the long run, any cost benefit analysis would lean in favor of paying whatever it costs to return to normal, since I couldn't really function in my job as I am now... Oh no! Work!

SOUND FUMBLES WITH PHONE

SOUND BREAKING NOISE

BOB Oh-- drat!

MUSIC

AMB MID-EASTERN MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL

SHERRY Hello?

SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT HARD, NO BELL

CARMELITA One minute. Remain where you are. I must finish my communion with the spirits.

SHERRY [muttered] I'll wait for the flush.

SOUND SLOW PACING

SHERRY [listing things] Palmistry. Hmm. [puzzled] I don't even have that line. Ah well. Maybe--

SOUND A COUPLE MORE STEPS

SHERRY Tarot cards. [sigh, muttered] Jeez, Bob. You're such a dork. [quoting jokingly] "The lovers- you will soon fall madly in love"

SOUND BEADED CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE

CARMELITA [angry] Nonsense! The lovers is a card of choice! You want love, look to cups!

SHERRY [very nervous and startled] I-I was just quoting.... An old commercial. Look, I don't mean to be... snippy or anything, I'm just... I've never done this before.

CARMELITA I accept your apology. [slight warning breath, then satisfied sigh] The spirits accept as well.

SHERRY [skeptical] Right.

CARMELITA Come. Sit. Are you looking for your future or your past?

SOUND FEET MOVE TO TABLE

SHERRY I'm actually here for a friend...

CARMELITA Ah, yes. "Your friend" - is she in some kind of trouble?

SHERRY No, no, it's a he--

CARMELITA A lover?

SHERRY Oh god no!

CARMELITA Hmm. Hold on. Give me your hand.

SHERRY Look, why don't I just tell you what's going on--?

CARMELITA Shh!

SHERRY Fine. Here.

CARMELITA Hmm. I see. Hmm. Who does your nails? These are very nice.

SHERRY Why are you looking at my manicure rather than my palm?

CARMELITA [shrug] It is one way to tell how much help you can afford. See? I am being blunt for you, since you are a non-nonsense woman, I can see that.

SHERRY Look, this is silly. I-I'm gonna leave. How much do I owe you?

CARMELITA Stop! One card. I will show you one card, and if it does not resonate for you, then you may leave and owe me nothing.

SHERRY Fine. Go ahead.

CARMELITA Cut the deck.

SOUND LARGE CARD DECK, CUT

SHERRY There.

CARMELITA Again.

SOUND LARGE CARD DECK, CUT

SHERRY [sigh] Good enough?

CARMELITA I have not touched the cards, you see? Turn over that top card. The auger there will stun you.

SOUND [beat, then] CARD QUICKLY FLIPPED OVER

SHERRY [gasp!]

MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS

SHERRY What the hell?

BOB Sorry.

SHERRY You trashed my living room!

BOB [apologetic] Apparently demons have anger management issues. I'll pay you back! An Ikea gift card should cover most of it--

SHERRY What the hell got into you?

BOB [more and more miserable] I tried to call in sick, and ...broke the phone. That was sort of the last straw.

SHERRY [exasperated sigh, then cold] Did you at least get my message?

BOB [subdued] Yes.

SHERRY [beat] Aren't you curious?

BOB I'm... waiting for you to yell at me.

SHERRY I'm... I'm done.

BOB [worried] Are you sure?

SHERRY Let me guess - your mom was pretty - um - rowdy when you screwed up.

BOB Um...yes.

SHERRY That explains a lot. Look, I went to the fortuneteller--

BOB Can you-- I'm sorry, but, um - can you check in with the office first? [really anxious] Please? I haven't missed a day of work in six and a half years - not since I got bronchial pneumonia that one winter.

SHERRY Fine.

SOUND CELLPHONE FLIPS OPEN

MUSIC

AMB MID-EASTERN MUSIC

CARMELITA Come to me! Come to me! I need the power! [moans and noises, but no words] I feel it! Yes!

SOUND MICROWAVE BEEPS

CARMELITA Aha!

MUSIC

SHERRY Done.

BOB Did they say anything?

SHERRY Not really. You got plenty of time banked. I told them you were delirious today and that's why you didn't call in.

BOB Oh, that's a good one.

SHERRY Sit, will you?

SOUND HEAVY BODY SITS, FURNITURE CREAKS

SHERRY [sigh] This chick, Carmelita - well, I didn't tell her everything. I didn't tell her much, at all, I just couldn't see how! It was ... well--

BOB Too weird?

SHERRY Kinda. The weirdest part was she had me pick a card, and it was--

BOB The Devil?

SHERRY I thought you didn't know about any of this stuff.

BOB It's ... October on your calander.

SHERRY [sigh, then matter of fact] Anyway, I said I had a friend who was cursed, and asked about how to break curses. She said I needed to bring her something that belongs to the friend, and she could sort of diagnose the problem. Do you have anything that doesn't look all ... um... demony?

BOB Uh... what sort of things?

SHERRY Something from your body - hair, something.

BOB [worried] You want to pull some hair?

SHERRY She said it had to come straight from the source and be fresh.

BOB All right. I'll turn my back and you pull. Make it quick.

SHERRY Are you really such a total wuss?

BOB Well - um - uh - [small] I have a very low pain threshold.

SHERRY [sigh] All right. Bend down.

SOUND HEAVY NOISES AS HE MOVES

BOB OK, go.

SHERRY [exasperated sigh] All right. Brace yourself.

BOB Wait!

SHERRY No - just "man up", Bob.

BOB Wait! Something's happening!

SHERRY I haven't even started yet!

BOB [scream, which turns odd] Ahh!

SOUND SCUFFLE, BODY FLUNG, DROP, CREAKY NOISES, SCUTTLE OF HOOVES

SHERRY Oh crap.

SOUND GOAT "MAAAAA"

MUSIC

AMB mid-eastern MUSIC

SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN, BELL PINGS

SOUND FEET STORM IN

SHERRY [agitated, quick] Hello? Hello? Damn it, get out here!

SOUND BEAD CURTAIN MOVES SLOWLY ASIDE

CARMELITA [tired or hung over] Shush. I am not open for business.

SHERRY Your door was unlocked.

CARMELITA A mistake. Go away.

SHERRY No! Help me and I'll leave. I don't know another damn fortuneteller or witch or anything in the entire city. I have a goddam goat in my bathroom, and I need help.

CARMELITA A... goat?

SHERRY Yes. [deep breath, trying to calm down, talks quieter] Look, can we please talk?

CARMELITA [long beat, then a sigh] Sit. I will make tea.

MUSIC

SOUND SIPPING TEA

SHERRY Is your head any better?

CARMELITA A bit. As long as you talk quietly, it will not explode. I had a bit of a long night.

SHERRY Problems?

CARMELITA Oh, don't even get me started.

SHERRY Hey, I can listen, if it'll help at all. I'm not in such a rush.

CARMELITA Really?

SHERRY Sure. [coaxing] Come on.

CARMELITA It's a man.

SHERRY [sympathetic] Isn't it always?

CARMELITA He's a bastard. An evil bastard.

SHERRY There's plenty of 'em out there.

CARMELITA [breaking] I loved him.

SHERRY Tell me about it.

CARMELITA [teary] He is so charming. Good teeth. Good hair. Good job. [sips, then] Good catch.

SHERRY And I'll bet he knows it, too.

CARMELITA Of course. But he comes in here, saying he has a dream he wants interpreted. Says he has dreamed of me - that I, Carmelita, have haunted his dreams.

SHERRY Smooth bastard.

CARMELITA So smooth you could buff him and see your face in him.

SHERRY [a bit puzzled] Right. Smooth like glass.

CARMELITA Just like glass.

SHERRY Shiny and flat and totally transparent once you look at them the right way.

CARMELITA [laughing a bit] Yes! Just like that!

SHERRY I know just the type. So he--

CARMELITA He took advantage of my girlish heart.

SHERRY Full advantage?

CARMELITA Yes.

SHERRY [tsks]

CARMELITA And then, once he had his wicked way - as the old movies say - poof! He was gone.

SHERRY Screening his calls?

CARMELITA Worse. He changed his number.

SHERRY [ouch noise] ooh!

CARMELITA So I got his new address. [shrug] Spirits are good for many things.

SHERRY Yeah, but can they find you a good man?

CARMELITA [disgusted noise] They can find me a unicorn first. Good men are more scarce.

SHERRY Amen to that.

CARMELITA The charming ones are all scum. [spits]

SHERRY And the boring ones--

CARMELITA Oh, I would take boring in a heartbeat, if I could only trust him.

SHERRY Yeah, that's the trick.

CARMELITA Well. I feel a little better now. Tell me about your goat.

MUSIC

SOUND APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

SHERRY Hello?

BOB [off, muffled] Maaa!

SOUND SHE WALKS DOWN THE HALL

SHERRY We might have the answer, Bob.

SOUND BATHROOM DOOR OPENS

BOB [sad] Maa.

SHERRY Oh, goodness, Bob. That's what the paper was for. [sigh] Come on.

SOUND HOOVES

MUSIC

AMB MUSIC

SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL

SOUND HOOVES ENTER

CARMELITA This is the goat?

SHERRY Ya think?

CARMELITA Of course. Be quiet while I channel the spirits. [hums, changing keys]

BOB Maa?

SHERRY Shh!

CARMELITA [humming ends] You're right - it is your goat. The agreement stands, then. Take this.

SHERRY OK. Now, Bob. You be a good goat and stay with Carmelita here. I have an errand to run.

BOB [a bit panicky] Maa?

CARMELITA Don't worry, bubula, I'm rather fond of goats.

MUSIC

SOUND DOORBELL

JOHNSTON Just a minute!

SHERRY [through the door] Bob? I hope this isn't a bad time?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

JOHNSTON Oh, no! I was - this is just crazy, but I was just thinking of you! Cosmic, isn't it?

SHERRY Wow!

JOHNSTON What's all that?

SHERRY Turns out there were some packages for you along with the mail today. Figured I'd ...um... [coquettish]... have another excuse to drop in.

JOHNSTON Mmm!

SHERRY There's a few more, but I figure that'll keep.

JOHNSTON Here, let me get those.

SOUND WALKS, PICKS UP BOXES

JOHNSTON [grunt] Wow! How'd you get this all up here?

SHERRY I guess my mind was ....on other things.

JOHNSTON [interested, sexy] Oh?

SOUND HE GETS THE BOXES IN, THEY COLLAPSE ALL OVER THE FLOOR

SOUND SOMETHING GETS LOOSE AND ROLLS ACROSS THE FLOOR, BUZZING

SHERRY [embarrassed laugh] Oh-ho!

JOHNSTON Oh. That. That's, um, for a friend.

SHERRY I'll bet. [really laughing now] Look out! It's making a run for it!

JOHNSTON Here.

SOUND SCOOPS UP THE TOY, TURNS IT OFF, DROPS IT INTO BOX

SHERRY You're a man of ...interesting... tastes.

JOHNSTON I won't apologize. I like to make my woman feel ...very ...good.

SHERRY A guy like you must already have a woman. Or a bunch of them.

JOHNSTON [sigh, rueful] I've been looking for so long for the right woman. The woman who can make me really want to settle down. You know? A woman who makes me want to stay home and eat the same thing every night?

SHERRY But in the meantime--?

JOHNSTON Well, nothing wrong with exercising my god-given talents. Just means that once I find this ...special... woman, I'll be an expert. Able to fulfill her every need.

SHERRY [chuckle, then quiet] Paint my house.

JOHNSTON What?

SHERRY Sorry. Quoting. I don't suppose you have something to ...drink ... around here?

JOHNSTON Of course.

SOUND TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS

JOHNSTON Your mother?

SHERRY Huh?

JOHNSTON Are you going to have to run off again?

SHERRY [muttered] You're good. [up] Bingo night.

JOHNSTON Ahhhh.

MUSIC

AMB MUSIC

SOUND CARDS BEING TURNED OVER

CARMELITA The Lovers. [chuckles] Strange card for a goat. What sort of choice have you made recently, do you think?

SOUND TURNS ANOTHER CARD

BOB [worried] Maa!

CARMELITA No, no, darling. [mwa!] Death is not so bad as you think. It means change - for you this is a good card in your near future. I think your friend is actually going to pull this off!

BOB [like a sigh] Maa.

CARMELITA keep your chin up. You can always stay here and be [cutesy] my little goat.

MUSIC

AMB LOW SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

SOUND DRINKS POUR SENSUOUSLY

SHERRY [sigh]

JOHNSTON Hmm?

SHERRY Just thinking back on the silly coincidence that got me here.

JOHNSTON Pure karma, baby.

SHERRY Could I have a bit of ice?

JOHNSTON [chuckle] You don't ice this stuff, babe. It's the heat that makes it go down so nicely.

SHERRY [suggestive] It's not for the drink.

JOHNSTON Oh-ho!

SOUND HE GETS UP, WALKS OFF

SOUND UP CLOSE, SHE OPENS A TINY LITTLE BOTTLE, POURS SOMETHING INTO THE DRINK

SHERRY [calling, over the sounds] You might bring a whole bowl of them!

SOUND [OFF] HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, POPS OUT SOME ICE FROM A TRAY

JOHNSTON [off] You got it!

SHERRY [sigh of relief]

SOUND HE COMES BACK

JOHNSTON What happened?

SHERRY Happened?

JOHNSTON Did you put something in my drink?

SHERRY [trying to play it cutesy] Just a widdle wuv potion.

JOHNSTON [angry, totally breaking the mood] A what? What is it with you spooky chicks?

SHERRY Huh?

JOHNSTON Damn love potions and crap, seriously, what the hell is it?

SHERRY Jeez, Bob. I was joking. What crawled up your ass?

JOHNSTON Then, what? Huh? What did you put in there?

SHERRY It was just a little bubbly stuff. Here, I'll drink it. [exasperated sigh] It's just a game.

JOHNSTON You ruined perfectly good--

SHERRY It's just - I've always-- [tsk, breaks off]

JOHNSTON What?

SHERRY I've always had this fantasy of being a femme fatale. A bond girl. Something really naughty.

JOHNSTON [getting into it - a little] Really?

SHERRY Yeah. I was just playing.

JOHNSTON Hmm.

SHERRY I didn't think you would freak.

JOHNSTON Let's just put it down to bad experiences, 'kay? Everyone's had 'em.

SHERRY [still miffed] Right.

JOHNSTON Oh, come on - we can still share the other glass. I'll sip-- [sips] Now you.

SHERRY [giving in] All right.

JOHNSTON There.

SOUND A BIT OF MASHING, MUSIC UP

MUSIC

BOB Maa?

CARMELITA She has been gone a long time. I hope it all is all right-- oh!

SOUND WEIRD STRETCHY NOISES

BOB [moaning in agony, etc. kinda goofy]

CARMELITA Now that is fascinating. I've never actually had a chance to watch this end of a curse.

BOB [still gasping and ouchy] Oh! Goodness... Um, [gasps in shock] Don't just stare at me!

CARMELITA Why not? You're human again.

SOUND PULLING THE TABLECLOTH, DISHES RATTLE

CARMELITA Stop that!

BOB [panicking] But I'm.... nude.

CARMELITA As if I have never seen a nude man before.

BOB Um.... I've never... BEEN nude before.

CARMELITA [with interest, teasing] Oh?

BOB You wouldn't have some pants somewhere?

CARMELITA I'll go and check. You might want to close the curtains, beefcakes.

BOB [panic] Ahh!

SOUND MORE RATTLE OF DISHES

CARMELITA [calling back as she leaves the room] Kidding!

SOUND BEAD CURTAIN PARTS

SOUND FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS

CARMELITA A-ha!

SOUND FEET ENTER

SHERRY Mission accomplished. More or less. [grunts with effort]

SOUND CREAK OF ROPE

JOHNSTON Maaa!

SHERRY Don't you even try that again!

SOUND HOOVES PULLED INTO ROOM

CARMELITA How did you do it? He's one tricky bastard.

SHERRY Oh, I have a few tricks of my own--

SOUND BEAD CURTAIN MOVES A LITTLE

BOB Sherry? I'm... um... [unsure] okay now.

SHERRY Yeah. Good. [snickers] Nice loincloth.

BOB [blushing] It was all I could--

CARMELITA Oh, no you didn't! Not my mother's good apron! [commanding] You get right back in there, mister and I will find you something!

BOB Okay. Sorry!

SOUND BEAD CURTAIN SWINGS

CARMELITA Can you take my guest here through to the yard - that door, there?

SHERRY With pleasure. [grunting] Come on!

SOUND CREAK OF ROPE

JOHNSTON Maa!!!

MUSIC

CARMELITA So what did you do? Put it in his drink?

SHERRY First, what's going to happen to him? Jackass he may be, but I can't see leaving him a goat forever.

CARMELITA I'll give him a couple of weeks. Then turn him back, let him try and explain what happened.

SHERRY I can just see the Judge Judy episode where he tries to sue your pants off.

BOB [muttered] Only if you have pants...

CARMELITA She would laugh him out of court. "But really, this bitch turned me into a goat for two weeks..."

SHERRY She'd say "turned you? [slowing losing it to laughter as she goes along] The defense has a laundry list of witnesses ready to swear you already were a goat..."

CARMELITA [laughing almost hysterically]

BOB What about me?

SHERRY [calming down] Honestly, Bob. I think you'll be fine.

BOB But ...work?

SHERRY Didn't even miss you. [backpedaling] I mean -- everyone feels you're about due for a mental health day. Or five.

CARMELITA But I still don't see how you managed it?

SHERRY Simple. You told me all about his moves. His technique.

BOB I know. Do guys really DO all that? Just to get--

CARMELITA Shh. We'll talk later, darling. [with feeling] Later.

BOB Ulp!

SHERRY [chuckling a bit] So it was easy. Once I put the fizzy stuff in his drink, he got all huffy and wouldn't drink it, even though I offered to take it myself.

BOB I wouldn't either. [shuts himself up suddenly]

CARMELITA And so?

SHERRY You said he was big nibbler. I put the real potion all over my neck and shoulders. Didn't take long before - poof!

BOB I know you've done me a huge favor here, Sherry, and I owe you plenty, but could you do one last teensy thing?

SHERRY [sigh] What's that?

BOB Pants?

SHERRY Pants?

BOB Bring me some? This blanket won't get me home - at least not without being arrested.

SHERRY [sigh] Pants it is.

CARMELITA Not too quickly.

BOB [panicky] Huh?

CARMELITA There's something very... attractive about a man who already knows [intense] not to cross a witch.

BOB [gulp]

CARMELITA And you're awfully cute. At least without the hooves.

BOB Um, thanks? [up] Sherry?

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BELL DINGS

JOHNSTON [almost a laugh] maa-aa-aa-aa!

CLOSER

Krenner breaks out of jail with one thought in mind - revenge!! 27 years is a long time and technology marches on.

Fatal Girl is my anime-inspired modern day monster-hunting dark magical girl series. In it, Chiyoko (from a 100-generation family of monster hunters) and Alice (swordswoman from a mysterious past who lost her memory) go after monsters.

This episode does walk a line very close to a lot of the dark places, and needs a lot of trigger warnings. It at least talks about (or has offscreen events) rape, molestation, murder, tentacles, high school, stalkers, and other potentially bad stuff.

This was the first of six episodes that came out for Season 1. I'm working on Season 2 as we speak.

*********************************************

CAST

Alice --- Beverly Poole

Chiyoko --- Julie Hoverson

Hyde --- Mike Campbell

Ken --- Reynaud LeBoeuf

Mr. Tanaka --- Russell Gold

Girl 1 --- Kateryna Fury

Girl 2 --- Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard (Gypsy Audio)

Aimi --- Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind)

Biko --- Brittney Cruz

Hana --- Melissa Bartell

Mana --- Rhys Torres-Miller

Tsukawa --- Amber Leigh

Miss Takamura --- Melissa Pang

Bad Man --- Sean "Sonicmega" Chiplock

Delinquent --- Matthias Rebne-Morgan

Old Dude --- Leonard Streeper

Thug1 --- Cary Ayers

Thug2 --- Lothar Tuppan

Written, conceived, produced, cast, scored, all mistakes made by: Julie Hoverson With voice processing help from Reynaud LeBoeuf

MUSIC IN THIS EPISODE FROM THESE SOURCES:

Deied

Icon Girl Pistols

Krzysztof Kurkowski

Monster Cyborg

Strix

Metempsy

And the incomparable, talented, and gracious Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com

When an agent sneaks inside a mind - he should be very careful whose minds he chooses.

Sometimes there's no choice, though...

Classic era science fiction about a very odd visitor from outer space.

Cast List Professor Michaels - Grant Baciocco (Radio Adventures of Dr. Floyd) Frank Connors - Bryan Hendrickson Mrs. Jones - Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sheriff Flynn - Glen Hallstrom General O'Donnell - Chuck Burke Allenson, scientist - Cary Ayers Moriarty, physicist - Eleiece Krawiec Brigadier-General - H. Keith Lyons Driver - Cary Ayers Soldier1 - John Carroll Soldier2 - Lothar Tuppan Pilot - Mark Olson The Leech - Suzanne Dunn, Will Watt, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson

Many thanks to Project Gutenberg and Librivox for curating these classic stories. [Link to The Leech in short sci fi collection 24 at Librivox]

Music by misterscott99 [Thanx to Steve Guy for suggesting searching YouTube for a Theramin artist!!] Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cabin in upstate New York, can't you tell?"

************************************************

The Leech

By Phillips Barbee (Robert Sheckley), Galaxy Science Fiction December 1952

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

The Leech

Frank Connors, assistant

Professor Michaels, anthropologist

Mrs. Jones, housekeeper

Sheriff Flynn / Jerry

General O'Donnell / driver

Allenson, scientist

Moriarty, atomic physicist

[bring in the leech voice, subtle, under the opening credits]

LEECH A

LEECH hungry. Empty. hungry. Empty. hungry. hungry. Empty [repeats under]

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a professor's rural retreat, circa 1952, can't you tell?

LEECH falling falling falling heat impact FOOD! ...eat.

MUSIC STING

1_BIG NEWS

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, BREEZE, CREAK OF HAMMOCK

SOUND [OFF A BIT] KNOCK ON DOOR, SCREEN DOOR OPENS

MRS. JONES What?

FRANK Where's the prof? I have to talk to him!

MRS. JONES You can give me his mail, young man.

FRANK But this is big news!

MRS. JONES If it's school business--

FRANK It's not!

MRS. JONES It can still wait. This is Professor Michaels' resting week, and you know it.

SOUND SCREEN DOOR SLAMS

MRS. JONES [fading out] Bad enough those army convoys have to drive by at all hours of the day and night.

FRANK Wait! Oh, heck.

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS ON WOOD

PROF [sigh] [calling] Conners? What the devil are you on about?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL

FRANK Oh! Professor! Say - I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, but there's something damn funny out in the ditch.

PROF Ditch?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

MRS. JONES Oh, you! I told him to go, professor!

PROF It's all right, Mrs. Jones. I'll handle this.

MRS. JONES Dinner in half an hour! You know how you get when you don't eat.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

FRANK So, the ditch. Didja hear me? There's something weird.

PROF Of course I heard you. [sigh] You found a pixie. Feed him some milk, and go away.

FRANK No sir, I think it's a... a rock.

PROF A rock. In the road. How quaint.

FRANK But sir--

PROF [annoyed, but languid] What is your job, Frank?

FRANK Sir?

PROF If you don't know, then perhaps I should hire someone else.

FRANK I'm to keep everyone off you while you relax. See to the mail, the shopping.

PROF And does any of that involve spotting "rocks"?

FRANK No.

PROF Warning me of rocks?

FRANK No.

PROF Protecting me from rocks?

FRANK No, but--

PROF So move the rock and get on with your--

FRANK But sir, I tried! See?

SOUND SHOVEL MOVEMENT

PROF [sigh] what? [sharper] What?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

MRS. JONES What on god's green earth did you do to my shovel, young man?

FRANK I didn't do anything. The rock thing did!

MUSIC

LEECH B

SOUND [UNDER] FEET ON GRAVEL

LEECH food dull food warm light FOOD cold dark food slow food sloooooow...

MUSIC

2_THE LEECH

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS

SOUND WALKING QUICKLY

FRANK [a bit breathless] I really wouldn't have bothered you for just nothing, but look!

SOUND DOINK ON METAL

FRANK Two inches! It melted two inches right off!

SOUND FEET HALT

PROF [incredulous] That?

FRANK That! You can see it better from up close.

PROF Shh!

SOUND SLOWER FOOTSTEPS

PROF [whispered] Do you hear anything?

FRANK [whispered] No. I mean, not beyond birds and things.

PROF [grim] Neither do I.

FRANK So?

PROF [brighter] Well, it's indicative of something, isn't it?

SOUND BRISKER FOOTSTEPS

PROF You have a notebook on you?

FRANK No.

PROF Anything to write on?

FRANK Uh, no. Just - just your mail.

PROF Here.

SOUND SHUFFLE ENVELOPES

PROF No... no... no... Ah. Here. They won't notice if I don't respond.

SOUND SLAPS PAPER INTO HAND

FRANK Okay.

PROF We have what appears to be a round item of a stone-like appearance. Greyish-black and striated.

SOUND JUGGLE SHOVEL, WRITING NOISES

FRANK Gotcha.

PROF [dictating] Sitting in the ditch. Nearest edge, say, three feet off the road.

FRANK It's a bit farther than that, isn't it?

PROF I wouldn't say so.

FRANK [acquiescing] Okay.

PROF About the size of a truck tire.

FRANK No, really now, I think you have your proportions mixed up...

SOUND WALKS FORWARD

FRANK [dismayed] Oh.

PROF What? Think I'm getting senile or something?

FRANK No, just...

PROF "Just" is not quantifiable. Just spit it out.

FRANK It was smaller. Before.

PROF How much smaller?

FRANK I dunno - an inch maybe. But definitely smaller.

PROF Find me a stick.

FRANK A... stick?

PROF Here. [give me that]

SOUND TAKES SHOVEL

FRANK Don't touch it!

PROF I'm not planning to. Not yet.

SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, DRAGGING SOUND

PROF As you observe, I am drawing a line approximately three inches beyond the edge of the thing.

FRANK [noting] Three inches. Got it.

PROF Now, we'll have something to measure by in case it grows again.

FRANK Right.

PROF Now. Let's see what happens.

SOUND METAL ON STONE - SORT OF

SOUND SIZZLING NOISE

PROF It's not unyielding - the shovel seems to sink in--

FRANK Oh no it's not!

SOUND SCRAPE

PROF What? Aha! You're right. It's not sinking in, it's being melted away. Gives the same impression. Odd how the mind interprets things....

FRANK I think it just got bigger.

PROF Really?

FRANK I was watching, and I think it swelled a little.

PROF Could be heat waves. I suspect something like this would reflect like asphalt. But let's test it. The shovel's not good for much any more anyway.

SOUND METAL ON STONE GRATE, SIZZLING

FRANK Don't touch it!

PROF My hand is nowhere near touching it. I merely want to see...

FRANK Look! It's getting larger! I can see it!

SOUND WOOD ON STONE

PROF [impressed] Well! [clinical] But it generates no appreciable heat. Odd. I would assume some sort of acidic chemical reaction, which would almost invariably generate heat.

FRANK And it grew! Just a fraction of an inch--

PROF I was paying attention to other things. [sigh]

SOUND WOOD LANDS ON STONE, SIZZLING

FRANK D'you see it swelling?

PROF I doubt there was enough left of that handle to do much. What else--?

FRANK Rocks?

PROF Sound thinking.

SOUND PICK UP SOME ROCKS, DROP THEM, SIZZLE

FRANK Isn't that just about the damnedest thing you ever saw, Professor? What do you think it is?

PROF It's no stone... I'm going to phone the college and ask a physics man about it. Or a biologist. I'd like to get rid of that thing before it spoils my lawn.

MUSIC

LEECH C

LEECH food sharp food fall food lie food move moist food dry food grow food air grow bigger grow.... wake!

MUSIC

3_BACON

AMBIANCE IN PROF'S HOUSE

SOUND DISTANT POUNDING ON DOOR

MRS. JONES What is it?

SOUND BUSTLING THROUGH HOUSE

SOUND DOOR YANKED OPEN

MRS. JONES You better have a brilliant explanation for this--

FRANK Absolutely vital. Professor Michaels knows‑‑

PROF I'm coming. It had better be particularly important to drag me away from Mrs. Jones' bacon.

MRS. JONES [amused annoyance] And Mrs. Jones better leave you boys to your business and see to her bacon before it all burns away.

SOUND BUSTLES OFF

FRANK It's nearly eighteen feet across!

PROF The thing?

FRANK Yup!

PROF I was trying some acids on it yesterday, and nothing seemed to even ruffle it.

FRANK None of them?

PROF Nope. I'll finagle a bacon sandwich or two and we'll head out presently.

MUSIC

LEECH D

LEECH so small. how is one so small. one was large. one was grand. Miniscule now. Hungry. sooooo hungry. food is slow. Dull. Eat...

MUSIC

4_SHERIFF

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE

FRANK See what I mean?

PROF Seems the larger it gets, the faster it grows. Not surprising, if what I suspect is happening is true.

FRANK What's that?

PROF Say it absorbs whatever it touches. The more surface area, the more it can touch, the more it can absorb.

FRANK That's not good. It's like some kind of... of leech.

PROF I don't know that I would characterize it so narrowly just yet, Frank--

SOUND CAR DRIVES UP, STOPS

FRANK Morning Sheriff!

SHERIFF Morning. What the devil is this?

PROF Don't know. Just showed up.

SHERIFF Ha. Ha. We gotta get it out of the road! Something like this, you can't let it block the road. The Army's gotta use this road.

FRANK We didn't--

PROF Shh. [up, dry] Terribly sorry. Go right ahead and move it, Sheriff. But be careful. It's hot.

FRANK [quiet] Hot?

PROF [quiet] Close enough.

SHERIFF Should just be able to--

SOUND OPENS TRUNK

SHERIFF Where is the--?

FRANK [quiet] Shouldn't we warn him?

PROF [quiet] We'll stop him if he goes to touch it. But if he doesn't see for himself, he'll never buy it.

FRANK Oh.

MUSIC

LEECH E

SOUND [UNDER] METAL HITTING STONE, GUNSHOTS

SHERIFF [frustrated noise]

LEECH slow food. fast! energy impact. ahhhhhh. more. more hit. more energy. give!

MUSIC

5_MONKEY'S UNCLE

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE

SHERIFF Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

PROF [quiet] That would make deputy Jerry, there, "cheetah".

FRANK [snickers]

PROF Ready to listen yet, sheriff?

SOUND ARMY CONVOY APPROACHING

SHERIFF What? Hey look! NOW we'll get some action!

PROF [quiet] That's rather what I'm afraid of.

MUSIC

LEECH F

SOUND [UNDER] CONVOY STOPS, IDLES, DOORS OPEN, ETC.

LEECH more energy. more food. need. senses very dim. Thoughts very dim. grow. waken more. food.

MUSIC

6_ARMY

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE

O'DONNELL You can't block this road. Clear that away.

PROF Sorry. It's not ours. And we can't seem to do anything with it.

O'DONNELL What in sam hill is it?

FRANK A leech.

SHERIFF A what?

PROF [annoyed but covering] Simply a name to refer to it by - we have no real idea what it is.

O'DONNELL But you've tried moving it?

PROF Every way we could think of.

O'DONNELL Crowbar?

FRANK Didn't help.

O'DONNELL Blowtorch?

PROF More or less. No effect.

O'DONNELL Gunshot?

SHERIFF Sad to say...

O'DONNELL [calling orders] Driver? Ride over that thing.

FRANK But sir!

PROF Shh.

SOUND JEEP STARTS INTO GEAR

FRANK [to prof] We have to stop him!

PROF You thought the sheriff was bad, having to see it first? This is the military.

FRANK Oh.

SOUND JEEP ROLLS FORWARD SLOWLY, TAKES A BUMP, THEN HALTS, SIZZLING SNEAKS IN, UNDER.

O'DONNELL [bellowing] I didn't tell you to stop!

DRIVER I didn't stop it, sir!

O'DONNELL Get moving!

DRIVER It's stalled out sir!

PROF General? Pardon me, but if you look closely, you'll see that the tires are melting down.

SOUND POP, HISS OF TIRE

FRANK Yikes!

O'DONNELL Criminee! [orders] Driver! Jump clear! Don't touch any of that grey stuff!

MUSIC

LEECH G

SOUND [UNDER] DRIVER CLIMBS ONTO HOOD OF CAR AND JUMPS

LEECH large food. energy. much movement. nice. hungry. more large? Need food. waking waking... more self, more hungry. need food

MUSIC

7_JEEP

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE

SOUND CAR SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE THING, MUCH SIZZLING

DRIVER It's up to the chassis already!

O'DONNELL How fast can it eat?

PROF [quiet] you are keeping track aren't you?

FRANK Sure thing, professor! It's been about three minutes, give or take a few.

PROF Make a note - Frank needs a stopwatch.

FRANK Oh. Ok. Right.

SOUND SCRIBBLING

O'DONNELL You called this thing a leech, professor?

PROF As I said, it is nothing but a name to refer to it by.

O'DONNELL But it is leeching, far as I can tell - eating anything that gets near it.

PROF Which bodes rather ill for the underside.

O'DONNELL Whazzat?

PROF You're only thinking about things that get near it on the top - who knows how far below this thing may have eaten away the dirt, or even the bedrock.

FRANK Dirt and stones do seem to digest a bit slower.

O'DONNELL You've been experimenting with it, eh? Did you by any chance MAKE this thing with one of your experiments, professor?

PROF [sigh] First, general, I am not that type of scientist. I am a professor of anthropology. I do, however, understand scientific method and felt that if we established some parameters up front, such as rate of growth, speed of dissolution, etc., we might be able to more easily convince some of my hard science colleagues to come and have a look.

O'DONNELL [after a pause] So you say.

SOUND MARCHES OFF

FRANK You did that on purpose, didn't you?

PROF [over innocent] did what?

FRANK Oh, no - don't play innocent! I've seen you lecture someone til their eyes glazed over, before this!

PROF [chuckle]

DRIVER [background] There goes the aerial!

SOUND SIZZLING OUT

O'DONNELL [commands, off] You!

DRIVER Sir! Yes sir!

O'DONNELL [commands, off] Go back and have some men bring up hand grenades and dynamite!

DRIVER Yes sir!

FRANK That will get it!

PROF I am not so sure.

O'DONNELL [from off, yelling to prof] I don't know what you've got here, but it's not going to stop a U.S. Army convoy!

PROF I pray he's right.

MUSIC

LEECH H

SOUND UNDER EXPLOSIONS - HAND GRENADES AND DYNAMITE

LEECH waking more. thinking more. sensing more. hungry. [boom] food! yes yes food! [boom] Ahhhhh eat and grow. [bullets] mass and movement. energy. more. yes. please! [huge explosion] yesssssss!

MUSIC

8_EVACUATE

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, NEAR PROF'S HOUSE

SOUND WOOD CRACKING THROUGHOUT UNDER

MRS. JONES Well, I never.

PROF Did you get everything moved out all right?

MRS. JONES Well, yes, but I've cooked for you in that very house for nearly ten years now. Where am I supposed to feel at home? Where are you? [supposed to feel at home]

PROF [muttered] That may not be a problem for long.

SOUND HUGE CRACK, SHATTER OF GLASS

MRS. JONES There goes the front porch! Who would have thought such a terrible thing could spread so darn far?

PROF The government surely didn't.

MRS. JONES It looks like one of them - what's the word? Blasted heath. Yes. That's exactly what a blasted heath would look like.

PROF [musing] Or a cooled lava flow. [snapping out] Either way, it's pretty darn blasted.

MRS. JONES Blasted leech.

SOUND FEET ARRIVING

PROF I do wish people would stop calling it that.

SOLDIER Pardon me, sir? General O'Donnell would like to see you at the command post.

PROF Right. I already know the end to this little melodrama. [to soldier] See to it Mrs. Jones gets back to the city, will you?

SOLDIER Sir, I'm supposed to escort you--

PROF But I know where I'm going. She does not.

SOLDIER Yes, sir!

MUSIC

LEECH I

SOUND CRUSHING HOUSE UNDER

LEECH slow food. want fast food. more awake now. why no more fast come. good energy. big food. hungry. more food make more pieces. more pieces make more hungry. more hungry wants more food.

MUSIC

9_PERIMETER

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS, AT THE EDGE OF THE LARGER SITE

SOUND CROWD NOISE, FADING IN

PROF What's that over there?

SOLDIER2 Perimeter. Barbed wire. Half mile out.

PROF I doubt the barbed wire is making all that noise.

SOLDIER2 Oh, them. Reporters. Rubberneckers.

FRANK [calling from off] Professor!

PROF Assistants.

SOLDIER2 You need assistance?

PROF Just my assistant. Let him in would you?

SOLDIER2 I don't have any orders--

PROF Well, he takes all my notes, so I guess I'll have to stay within earshot. Which ends about here.

SOLDIER2 But the general--

PROF Will it be easier to move the general, or my assistant, do you think?

SOLDIER2 Um...

MUSIC

10_HQ

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

SOUND TENT FLAP SWOOP, PROF AND FRANK ENTER TENT

O'DONNELL I've been put in charge of operation leech. Ah, professor... and...?

PROF My assistant. He is also the one who found this thing in the first place. Absolutely indispensable.

FRANK Hi.

O'DONNELL Is he trustworthy?

PROF Think of him as my right arm.

FRANK The one he writes with.

O'DONNELL You're a professor, right?

PROF Yes. Anthropology.

O'DONNELL Good. I'd like you to stay around in an advisory capacity. I'd appreciate your observations on the... enemy.

PROF I think this is more in the line of a physicist or a biochemist.

O'DONNELL I don't want this place cluttered up with scientists.

FRANK But he isn't--

O'DONNELL Don't get me wrong. I have the greatest appreciation for science. I am, if I do say so, a scientific soldier. I'm always interested in the latest weapons. You can't fight any kind of a war any more without science.

PROF Of course not.

O'DONNELL But I can't have a team of longhairs poking around this thing for the next month, holding me up. My job is to destroy it, by any means in my power, and at once. I am going to do just that.

PROF I don't think it will be that easy.

O'DONNELL That's what you're here for. Tell me what the problem is, and I'll figure out how to solve it.

FRANK [muttered] Usually a scientist's job.

PROF Very well. As far as I can figure out, this thing--

O'DONNELL The leech.

PROF It isn't really--

O'DONNELL It's the codename.

FRANK [muttered] I'm the one who called it that in the first place.

PROF The "leech" appears to be an organic mass-energy converter, and a frighteningly efficient one. I'm guessing here, and keep in mind that this is really not my--

O'DONNELL Get on with it.

PROF It appears to convert external mass into energy, then back into its own internal mass. Energy is directly converted into the body mass. How this takes place, I do not know. The leech is not protoplasmic. It may not even be cellular--

O'DONNELL So we need something big against it. That's all right, then. I've got plenty of big stuff here.

FRANK Oh boy!

PROF I don't think you understand me. Let me rephrase. [intense] The leech eats energy! It will consume any energy weapon you use against it.

O'DONNELL [considering] And what happens if it keeps on eating?

PROF I think it will only be limited by its food source.

O'DONNELL So when it runs out, we'll all be safe?

PROF When it runs out, we'll all be gone.

MUSIC

LEECH J

LEECH senses growing. Feel moving food. Sitting food. Food near. Food far. Waiting for food to come near. Hungrrrrry.

MUSIC

11_NEED HELP

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

PROF I insist you contact some physicists. Biologists and chemists too. Give them a chance to figure out how to nullify it. I can give you some names.

O'DONNELL I don't have time to wait while a passel of scientists wrangle! I have this axiom - Muster enough force, and anything will give. Anything.

FRANK [muttered] Military thinking.

O'DONNELL [pleased] Thanks.

PROF [sigh] But I am not that kind of--

O'DONNELL Don't sell yourself short, Prof! And don't underestimate the army. We have, massed under North Hill - right over there - the greatest accumulation of energy and radioactive weapons ever assembled in one spot. I bet even this leech won't withstand the full force of all that.

FRANK [worried] Professor?

PROF [doubtful] I suppose it could be possible to overload the thing.

O'DONNELL [smug] I'll go and give some orders. We're gonna crack that leech in half!

SOUND HE LEAVES

FRANK Did he listen to a single thing you said?

PROF [sigh] He is the military.

FRANK Then why are you - we - even here?

PROF I fear the general wants to be able to say he consulted a scientist. I'm convenient since I can't possibly have a relevant opinion.

MUSIC

LEECH K

SOUND [UNDER] RAY GUNS, EXPLOSIONS, ETC.

LEECH Fooooood! Rich food! Needing more! Ray food, energy food, liquid food! Needing more! More food makes more hungry!!!! Sensing. Sensing for food. Ahhhh. THERE.

MUSIC

12_STOCKPILE

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

O'DONNELL [incredulous and furious] It did what?

SOUND NANA OF VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE.

FRANK It flew!

PROF It might be better described as a type of hovering.

O'DONNELL Shh! Over and out.

SOUND WALKIE SQUAWK - OFF

PROF [resigned] Where did it go?

O'DONNELL The damned fools! Why'd they have to panic? You'd think they'd never been trained!

FRANK They couldn't exactly expect that!

PROF [urgent] Where?

O'DONNELL North Hill. [angry sigh] Our armory.

FRANK But that's a whole mile away!

PROF At least.

O'DONNELL Sixty-seven men died! And the leech just - just jumped there!

PROF I still say it hovered. It definitely moved with some sort of self-propulsion.

FRANK I'll write that down.

PROF The way it looked, it floated across the sky, blacking out the sun, and then, when it reached its goal, it simply dropped.

O'DONNELL [snarling] How can you be so clinical about this?

FRANK I - I-

PROF It's OUR job to take notes for the scientists you will eventually have to call in.

MUSIC

LEECH L

LEECH So good! So nice! Rich food. Much energy. Growwww. Yessss. Ahhhh. More cells. Now, more hungry.

MUSIC

13_EXPERTS

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

SOUND PACING

O'DONNELL Haven't those eggheads made up their minds yet? We've had to evacuate six nearby farms.

FRANK It's not like choosing a tie.

O'DONNELL But they're the experts!

PROF No one's an expert on this. It's never happened before. The physicists consider it a biological matter, and the biologists seem to think the chemists should have the answer. We can't even agree on whose problem it is!

O'DONNELL It's the military's problem! I don't give a hang what the thing is! I just want to know how to destroy it! [offhand] They better give me permission to use the bomb.

SOUND STRIDES OFF

FRANK Will that work?

PROF Well, I have a theory.

FRANK Yes?

PROF Which I hope will remain a theory.

FRANK How can I make notes if you don't tell me?

PROF The Bomb might overload it. MIGHT destroy it. Or give it what it needs to grow big enough to devour the entire continent. Sooner.

SOUND FEET STRIDE BACK

O'DONNELL Still talking! Gah! I've been pushing for the Bomb for a week now! And I'll get it, but not til they run out of doubletalk!

FRANK Could be a while.

O'DONNELL [intense] I am going to destroy that leech. I am going to SMASH it, if it's the last thing I do! It's gone beyond national security now. THIS is personal.

SOUND STRIDES OFF

PROF I knew you shouldn't have named it.

FRANK Why?

PROF Once you name something, you get to thinking you KNOW it. And no matter how much you think you won't, you start applying traits to it. Anthropomorphizing it. Attaching motives and feelings to it.

FRANK Who says it doesn't feel?

PROF It does.

O'DONNELL [from off] Here come the bright boys now!

MUSIC

LEECH M

LEECH So big. Big now. Big makes hungry. So much to fill. So much to feed. Need more. More good rich food.

MUSIC

14_SCIENTISTS

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

O'DONNELL Well, have you figured out what it is yet?

ALLENSON [weary sarcasm] Just a minute - I'll hack off a sample. Hah.

O'DONNELL [exasperated] Have you figured out some scientific way of killing it?

MORIARTY [dry, offhand] Oh, that wasn't difficult at all.

FRANK Really?

MORIARTY Wrap it in a perfect vacuum. That'll do the trick. Or blow it off the earth with anti-gravity.

FRANK Can they really?

PROF Don't be silly.

ALLENSON Failing that, we suggest you use your atomic bombs and use them fast.

O'DONNELL Yes! [vainly trying to curb his enthusiasm] Is that the opinion of the entire think tank?

MORIARTY [sigh] Yes.

SOUND GENERAL HURRIES OFF

ALLENSON He should have called us in immediately! There's no time to consider anything but force now.

PROF Have you come to any conclusions about the nature of this thing?

MORIARTY Only general ones. Very much in line with your notes and conclusions.

ALLENSON As you mentioned, it's a perfect converter--it can transform mass into energy, and any energy into mass.

MORIARTY Naturally that's impossible and I have figures to prove it. We're positing that this thing was in some dormant spore-stage until it was pulled in by the earth's gravity.

ALLENSON Incidentally, we should be damned grateful that it didn't land in the ocean. We'd have been eaten out of house and home--

FRANK Literally.

ALLENSON --before we even knew what we were looking for.

PROF [musing] I wonder how long it will take him to get permission to use the bomb.

MUSIC

LEECH N

LEECH slow grow. Hungry. No grow. Dull food not enough. Want more. Want grow. Want be big again.

MUSIC

15_BOMBS

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

O'DONNELL Brigadier-General, with all due respect sir, how many MORE scientists can there be? We've been waiting for--

BRIG-GENERAL [on phone] Washington had to explore every alternative before detonating an atomic bomb in the middle of New York!

O'DONNELL So now I can use the bomb?

BRIG-GENERAL We need some time to evacuate people in an orderly fashion.

O'DONNELL Sir! This leech is still growing! We have to stop it before it gets out of hand!

FRANK Bit late for that.

PROF Shh. He's doing the best he can.

BRIG-GENERAL We've signed you out five bombs. Use them well. But not until the order comes through.

MUSIC

LEECH O

LEECH slowing. Drowsing. Waiting. Cells starving. Too much need food. Tired...

SOUND EXPLOSION

LEECH YESSSS! Foooooood! Much! Too much! Holding! Choking! No! straining.... straining! More cells. Need more cells! Building! Feeeeeeeeding! Choking? [beat] No.

SOUND BOMB

LEECH Enough cells now. Rich food. More. Grow. Build. JOY.

MUSIC

16_SIXTY MILES

AMBIANCE INSIDE NEW HEADQUARTERS TENT

O'DONNELL Sixty miles across.

PROF There was no way to know.

O'DONNELL This was supposed to KILL it.

FRANK At least there was no fallout.

PROF I'm sure it ate THAT too.

O'DONNELL I have to KILL IT! Do you hear me! The blasted thing has spread all the way to the Adirondacks!

FRANK What's next? More bombs?

PROF I don't think it's advisable. If we throw enough at it to crack it, we might crack open the earth's crust.

O'DONNELL The leech has to be blown up quick. What are the bright boys hedging for?

PROF They don't know what will happen. The concentration of bombs it would require--

O'DONNELL Perhaps they'd like me to order a bayonet attack.

FRANK They've got to do something.

PROF It's frustrating. I keep feeling like I should be doing more, but this simply isn't my area of expertise! That thing thrives on force - and the scientists don't have time to consider any alternatives.

FRANK Fight fire with fire.

PROF But it's not fire. Fire is fickle. Fire is Loki. Fire is a trickster. This thing is... is...

O'DONNELL Where the heck are the scientists?

SOUND TENT FLAP

ALLENSON [coming in] We've finished the calculations.

O'DONNELL Good. I'll call in the strike.

MORIARTY There's a damned good chance of splitting the earth wide open with that much power!

O'DONNELL You have to take chances in war.

FRANK He doesn't even care!

PROF He cares. He just doesn't care about that. Hercules himself couldn't turn the general from his course.

ALLENSON Hear us out!

O'DONNELL Your own calculations show that the leech is now growing at twenty feet per hour. So how much time is that before it reaches this post?

FRANK He's got a point.

PROF [musing] Hercules.... Something...

ALLENSON And speeding up. But this can't be done in haste--

PROF Aha!

O'DONNELL What?

PROF I may have a counter-offer.

O'DONNELL Does it involve me blowing up the leech?

PROF It's a very dim chance, but... [trails off]

O'DONNELL Yes?

PROF have you ever heard of Antaeus?

MUSIC

LEECH P

LEECH more large. more thought. More memory. Large rock and dirt and stone food. Devoured. Joy. Huge mass of combustibles - light and heat and energy! Food. True joy!

SOUND MEMORY SOUNDS

LEECH then all devoured. Dark. Cold. Empty. Cells Shrinking, dying, self-devouring self. Moving. Seeking. Food.

MUSIC

17_DRONE SHIP

AMB OUTSIDE

SOUND SMALL PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD

FRANK So that's what a drone looks like.

PROF Pretty much like any other rocket ship. The pilot just happens to be over there in the tent.

O'DONNELL I hope you're right about this, professor.

MORIARTY The calculations all validate the hypothesis. If what you said about the creature's motivational capability is accurate--

FRANK There it goes!

O'DONNELL Straight up! Son of a biscuit!

PROF It's - it's - enormous!

MUSIC

LEECH Q

SOUND FIGHTER PLANE BUZZES PAST

LEECH Food! Rich food! Above! Out of reach! Why not fall? Come to me? Food! ... seek.

SOUND BUZZ OF FIGHTER PLANE MOVING AWAY

LEECH heat! Small food. Cold! Nothing. Ah, little flying food, come to - oh. Oh, yes. Far. There. Huge bright glowing mass of combustibles. Food.

MUSIC

18_ANTAEUS

AMBIANCE OUTDOORS

FRANK Wow. Now, that's a crater.

PROF You can look at it later. I keep worrying that I've missed something.

FRANK But the leech is gone, professor! Right up and out of the atmosphere.

PROF There's no way to be sure it won't come back.

FRANK Everybody's going to be watching for the leech.

PROF Please don't call it that.

FRANK What then? Antaeus? Who's that anyway?

PROF Greek Mythology. Son of Gaea and Poseidon - the earth goddess and sea god. He was an invincible wrestler, drawing his strength from the earth itself.

FRANK His mom. Apron strings, even in mythology.

PROF [chuckles] Well, Hercules had to wrestle him, and every time Hercules threw him to the ground, he rose refreshed.

FRANK Didn't Hercules know about the earth?

PROF He figured it out. After that, he just held Antaeus up in the air until he gave up.

O'DONNELL [off slightly] Come on, join me in some champagne. Even you brainy folks can use a little celebration!

MORIARTY [happily] Maybe just a sip!

ALLENSON I don't mind if I do.

FRANK Be there in a minute! [to prof] So the fighter rocketship they sent up will just keep leading it around in space til it gets tired and drops dead?

O'DONNELL Better. It's going to take it right into the sun. Big or not, the damn thing can't eat THAT.

PROF Lord, I hope not.

O'DONNELL [to pilot] How's the ship, pilot?

PILOT Just reached the orbit of Mercury, sir.

O'DONNELL Fine! Fine. I swore to destroy that thing. Not the way I wanted to do it - too far out to see it go up with my own eyes - If I had a choice, it would be more personal. But the important thing is the destruction. Destruction is at times a sacred mission. Man, I feel wonderful!

MORIARTY [panicky] Turn the rocket!!!! TURN IT!

O'DONNELL What the devil?

MORIARTY Considering rate of growth, energy consumption capacity, and speed versus projected energy retention, figuring in the energy it will receive from the sun as it approaches--

O'DONNELL Speak English!

MORIARTY [dire warning] It's gonna devour the sun.

MUSIC

LEECH R

LEECH closer! Closer! More heat! More light! All! Must have all! Small rich food moving away. Choice. Nearby small food? Far big food? Hungry NOW. Close first. Catch quick, feed enough to move to big food. Yes!

MUSIC

19_TURN AWAY

AMBIANCE INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT

PILOT It's turning, sir!

ALL [general sounds of relief]

ALLENSON Take it out at right angles to the plane of the solar system.

SOUND RADAR [start much earlier]

FRANK So the blob is the leech and the dot is the ship?

PROF Yes.

O'DONNELL What portion of the sky would the leech be in just now?

MORIARTY Somewhere out in that section - just over that tree.

O'DONNELL Fine. [calling order back over shoulder] Soldier! Carry out your orders!

ALL [surprised concern - "what?" "huh" "what are you up to?" etc.]

FRANK [calling] The dot is slowing down! The blob is catching up!

PROF What are you up to, general?

O'DONNELL [grim satisfaction] I told you this was a personal matter. I swore to destroy that leech. We can never have any security while it is alive. [chuckles triumphantly] I had that ship especially built.

PROF To do... what... precisely?

O'DONNELL Shall we look at the sky?

SOUND FEET, TENT FLAP, ETC. as they leave.

O'DONNELL Soldier?

PILOT Three seconds, sir!

O'DONNELL Push the button.

PILOT Yes, sir!

FRANK is something supposed to-- Whoah!

MORIARTY Not a good idea to look directly at the explosion!

PROF What... did... you... do?

O'DONNELL [smug] That rocket was built around a hydrogen bomb. I set it off at the contact moment.

FRANK How come there's no sound? Thought there'd be a loud bang or something. Is it like thunder?

ALLENSON Sound doesn't travel in a vacuum.

PROF [explaining] We're anthropologists.

O'DONNELL [calling to pilot] Anything on the radar?

PILOT [from within] Nope! Not a speck, sir.

O'DONNELL Men - and scientists - I have met the enemy and he is MINE. Let's have some more of that champagne.

PROF I wish I was that sure.

MUSIC

LEECH S

LEECH Catching food. Slowing. Tiring. Catch. Massive surge! Too much! Holding! Holding! Absorbing! Building! No! No! overload! Too much! Breaking! Come apart! Losing thought! Losing cohesion! Breaking. Broken. Shattered.

SOUND [long moment of silence, then in squeaky little voices:]

LEECHETTE1 Hungry

LEECHETTE2 Hungry

LEECHETTE3 Hungry

LEECHETTE4 cold. hungry

LEECHETTE5 Hungry

[more and more leechettes until they populate the entire soundscape]

LEECH [MANY VOICES] hungry. Empty. hungry. Empty. hungry. hungry. Empty [repeats under]

MUSIC

END CREDITS

How do you uncure the cold?

A new acquisition by the museum contains a dark dark secret!

Cast List Betty Young - Julia Carson Professor Walter Marble - Don Parris Professor Young - Charles Austin Miller Andrew Leffler - Mark Olson Rooney - Reynaud LeBeouf Smythe - Chuck Burke Doctor - Mitchell Carson Fred - Marshal Latham Guard - Reynaud LeBeouf

Music by Wynn Erickson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller

Many thanks to Project Gutenberg and Librivox for curating these classic stories.

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a special annex at the museum of natural history in 1930, can't you tell?"

************************************************

From an Amber Block

[From the story by Tom Curry, published in Astounding Stories, July, 1930]

Cast:

Professor Walter Marble, young scientist, 30

Professor Young, old museum curator, 55

Betty Young, daughter with a clipboard, 20

Andrew Leffler, millionaire dilettante, 48

Rooney, guard, 57

Smythe, janitor, 40

Doctor, 45

Fred, workman, 25

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a special annex at the museum of natural history in 1930, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND ECHOING FOOTSTEPS

SOUND WOOD CRATES BEING DISMANTLED AND REMOVED

PROF These should prove especially valuable and interesting without a doubt, Marble, old man.

MARBLE Have they all been brought in and set up, professor?

PROF Check the manifest. Betty dear, do you have that? Should be on the clipboard.

BETTY Let's see. Ah, yes - check, check - all checked off, present and accounted for. seventeen huge lumps of prehistoric amber.

PROF I've told you time and time again not to bandy such unspecific terms. Until we have them precisely dated, they are assumed to be common cretaceous amber.

BETTY Yes, father [correcting self] Professor. But there's nothing common about the size of these pieces! These are quite outside ...the standard deviation.

SOUND SHE WALKS ON A BIT

BETTY When you see bits of amber worked into jewelry, especially the ones with insects preserved in them, you just can't even picture something on this scale!

MARBLE It was tricky getting them out of the ground, too. The workmen seemed afraid - didn't want to handle them for some silly reason.

BETTY Is that ...coal in the biggest one? That dark center?

MARBLE I am inclined to believe it will prove to be some sort of black liquid, possibly a pocket of colophony.

BETTY Which is?

MARBLE [somewhat dismissive] An oil derived from amber. [change of tone] Professor Young?

PROF Yes?

MARBLE Even with the dark central void, I think that big one will turn out to be the largest single piece of amber ever mined.

PROF It appears to be several tons. It will take some maneuvering to get a proper weight on it. Betty?

BETTY Yes, Professor?

PROF Take this down. Stone 1 - we'll call this large one "stone one"--

BETTY Noted.

PROF Make up a card when you get a chance. [back to describing] The amber is clear and pure in appearance, probably mixed with lignite. Yellow brown in color, irregular in shape. I think it is merely the thickness of the amber, and not any imperfections in its refractive structure, that make the central dark spot nothing more than a shadow.

BETTY It's like a small mountain!

PROF Nonsense. Get some specific measurements. Height; width through, say, four axes, at three equidistant levels.

BETTY [resigned] Yes, professor.

PROF If you need help, Walter here is a dab hand with triangulation. You'll help, won't you, Marble?

MARBLE Certainly. Whatever you need. Miss Betty, I think we had better begin by drawing a rough sketch of the block.

Scene 2.

SOUND DOOR OPENS, ACROSS THE ROOM, CONFIDENT STRIDES ENTER

LEFFLER [full of confidence] Well, well, well...what do you think of them?

PROFESSOR Ignore him.

BETTY Father! You have to play nice. He funds the research and gets to play philanthropic scientist.

PROFESSOR You mean pseudo-scientific philanthropist. Yes, yes of course. [up] Mr. Leffler! All present and accounted for!

LEFFLER [coming on] Everybody is talking about the big one! Orling is coming to see, along with plenty of others. Marble! Did you happen to catch any stories the workmen down there were telling? I'm thinking I'll publish something on the expedition, and that would be a great little chapter.

MARBLE I don't think it was actual stories. Just general uneasiness and rumors of bad luck. Something about a creature swimming in a lake of ink, but the translator says the local dialect was pretty difficult.

LEFFLER Well, monster or not, let's hope there's something good in there, something that will make all our effort worthwhile. [walking away] Maybe I can come up with a few tales, just spice, you know...

MARBLE Superstition is curious, isn't it? [chuckles] How can anyone think that a fossil of a creature, penned in such a cell for thousands and thousands of years, could do any harm?

PROF Superstition, by definition, is unreasonable. These amber blocks were mined in the Manchurian lignite deposits by Chinese coolies under Japanese masters. They believe anything over there. I remember working once with a crew of them that thought—

BETTY [off] [scream!]

PROF What is it, Betty dear?

BETTY It - it - it--!

MARBLE Her face is completely white!

PROF You'd better sit down.

SOUND SCUFFLE

PROF What is it that has put you into such a state?

BETTY I—I thought I saw something looking out, eyes that stared at me—-! [laughs, but forced] I suppose it was just Mr. Leffler's talk of monsters. There's certainly nothing there now.

PROF Perhaps the Manchurian devil just likes beautiful young ladies, eh, Marble? [chuckles] [walking off] Well, be careful, dear. If it takes a notion to jump out at you, call for me and I'll return presently and exorcise it.

BETTY [chuckles, but half hearted] I suppose you think I'm being hysterical, too, Mr. Marble?

MARBLE [musing] No-o-o.

PROF [coming back in] Come along Betty, we must go home. There's a long, interesting day ahead of us to-morrow, [going off again] and I want some time to read Orling's new work on matrices before we begin chipping at block number one.

MARBLE [confidential] I... I saw something, too. Could it have been just some refraction of the light?

BETTY [gasp] I—I don't know. I thought I saw two terrible eyes glaring at me from the inky heart. But when father laughed at me, I was ashamed and thought it was just my fancy.

MARBLE The center is liquid, I'm sure of it. [beat] Well, we'll find out soon enough, once we get started.

PROF [off, commanding] Come along, Betty!

BETTY Be careful.

SOUND SHE WALKS OFF

Scene 3.

MUSIC

PROF Betty? Have you got the specimens we've laid out on tray 15 itemized yet?

BETTY Yessir! 8 ants, 14 mosquitoes, 32 unidentified insect portions and 3 bees.

PROF Very good. We'll make a scientist out of you, yet. [chuckles heartily]

BETTY I'm sure I've got plenty to do as it is. You are being careful, aren't you?

PROF That's the dozenth or so time you've inquired. What is it you expect to happen?

BETTY I... I don't know.

PROF [condescending] The stones are carefully anchored so they won't fall over, and carefully protected by their canvas covers when we're not working on them.

BETTY I know. But do be careful.

PROF You think the fabled Manchurian beast is going to break out of that stone like a - like a chick out of an egg - and run amok?

BETTY You said you plan to work your way into position to tap that dark central core.

PROF Between our heaters and our chisels, we'll be through into the central mass sometime tomorrow. It's getting much softer, now the outside shell is pierced. Amber used to be called – still is in some cultures – the stone that burns.

BETTY [german name, but quiet] Bernstein.

PROF Since not only does it become malleable when heated, it can actually return to its original resinous state – a state in which it is, once again, flammable!

MARBLE But, for our purposes, it is soft and permeable – much easier to dig through than say granite or basalt. Pretty soon we'll find out whether we are right about it being liquid. We have to wait, and make some preparations for catching it, just in case.

BETTY [nervous] Catching - what?

MARBLE The liquid, of course. Some sort of large drainage pan should suffice.

SOUND DISTANT BELL

PROF And that is time.

SOUND PEOPLE PUTTING THINGS AWAY, THE ROOM QUIETING DOWN

BETTY Mr. Leffler wants to be here when the final breach is made. Should I call him and issue a formal invite?

PROF Oh, don't bother me with him tonight. [walks off] We can summon him quickly enough when we're nearly there - otherwise, he'll spend all day hovering about and getting in the way.

MARBLE Here's your coat, miss Young.

BETTY Thanks. [sigh] I think it must have been my imagination. I certainly didn't see anything odd today.

MARBLE Nor did I, but I kept thinking I heard dull scrapings from inside the block. My brain tells me I'm an imaginative fool, that nothing could be alive inside something that old - but just the same, I keep thinking about those eyes we thought we saw. [shaking it off] Just shows how far the imagination will take one.

PROF [calling from off] It's getting dark, Betty! Better not stay here in the shadows or the devil will get you. I wonder if it will be Chinese or up-to-date American!

BETTY [laugh, slightly annoyed] Funny how such smart men can sometimes be so dense.

MARBLE Oh?

BETTY Nothing. Good night!

SOUND SHE WALKS

Scene 4.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

ROONEY Here you go, miss Young.

BETTY Night, Rooney!

ROONEY Stayin' late this evening, are you?

BETTY [going off] No, we're calling it a night, Rooney.

SOUND HER FEET GO OFF

ROONEY Good night, Miss Young. Sleep happy.

BETTY [from off] Thanks, Rooney!

ROONEY [whistles something irish]

SOUND BETTY'S FEET COME BACK

ROONEY Is there a problem, ma'am?

BETTY You'll be extra careful tonight, won't you?

ROONEY Well, miss, I'm always careful. Nobody can get in to harm anything while old Rooney's about.

BETTY [reluctant but urgent] I don't mean that. I want you to be careful yourself, when you're anywhere near this room to-night.

ROONEY [indulgent] Why, miss, what is there to be wary of? Nothing but some funny looking stones, far as I can see.

BETTY Of course.

Scene 5.

MUSIC

BETTY [sleeping fitfully] oh… looking ...at... me!

SOUND TELEPHONE RINGS

BETTY [comes awake with a gasp]

SOUND GETS UP, OPENS DOOR

PROF [off] Hello? Yes, speaking. [annoyed] Good morning, Smythe.

BETTY Smythe? At the Museum?

PROF Shh-shh! [gasp] My God! I—I can't believe it! Is he dead?

BETTY Dead? Who?

PROF I'll be right down, yes.

SOUND HANGS UP THE PHONE

PROF Dear, there's been a tragedy at the museum during the night. One of the guards has been killed.

BETTY Oh no! Not Rooney!

PROF I don't know them by name. Possibly by burglars. And Smythe, who found him, wants me to come down and see if anything has been stolen. I must go at once. The body is in our laboratory. Where did I leave my overcoat...?

BETTY [sniffled a bit] Give me a minute to get dressed.

PROF No, no. No need.

BETTY [firm] I'm going with you.

PROF You can come along later, once we have things ...tidied up a bit.

BETTY I'll be all right. I promise you I will. And you know I'm the only one who can keep your notes straight.

MUSIC

Scene 6.

AMB MUSEUM

SMYTHE I've sent for an ambulance, Professor.

PROF Of course, Smythe. Let me see the extent of the damage.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

SMYTHE Yes, of course. The body is around on the left ...here? Sir?

PROF I must check on the stones first. See that nothing has been damaged.

BETTY [grumpy mutter] Of course. Rooney's not going anywhere.

PROF Aha. Nothing seems missing.

BETTY Father, they're too large for someone to just run off with.

PROF Why don't you go and check the trays in the lock room. Make sure nothing portable has walked away.

BETTY Very well.

PROF Smythe? The body?

SMYTHE Here.

PROF [musing] No pulse. Cold. He's been dead some time.

BETTY [coming on] The lock on the room hasn't been tampered with, and – [gasp]

PROF There's nothing we can do for him, now. It looks as though the poor fellow was set upon and stabbed a number of times by an assailant or assailants, whoever they were.

BETTY Poor Rooney! He was so jolly and red-faced, but now - his skin is like chalk!

PROF Rather shrunken, too. Almost as if there's no blood left in his veins.

BETTY And that look on his face! He must have been terrified of whoever killed him.

MARBLE There must have been several assassins; They beat him up frightfully. It would take more than one man to do such damage.

BETTY [quietly] Poor man. Who will tell his grandchildren?

MARBLE [quiet, sympathy] Yes. [up] His ribs are crushed in—see, this gash, Professor, that would be enough to cause death without any of the other wounds.

BETTY [to herself, horrible fascination] What are they looking at? A horrible... blistered area under his arm? And a gash – oh, that must be what killed him!

PROF Bloodless! As I said! It is as if the blood had been pumped out of the body!

MARBLE And yet not much blood on the ground. I only see a couple of splotches, and those look like they're from more superficial cuts.

PROF Maybe he was dragged here from another room. Perhaps the thieves were here to steal something in another part of the museum. Seems to me that men desperate enough to commit such a murder would not leave without trying to get what they came after.

MARBLE Unless, of course, the killing of the guard frightened them away before they could get to their booty.

SOUND FEET APPROACH

SMYTHE I brought that doctor you asked for, Professor Young.

MARBLE Any idea when this happened, Smythe?

SMYTHE Well, he punched the clock in here at two A.M. - I seen that.

MARBLE And he never made it to his next punch?

SMYTHE Nope. [heavy sigh] And it's the last time he'll ever do his duty, poor feller.

DOCTOR Curious odor. [sniffs] It smells like musk, but is fetid. I suppose it's some chemical you use in your lab here?

PROF I noticed that, too. Nothing I recognize. Marble? Where did he get to? Marble?

MARBLE [off] There are wavy black lines on the tiles, leading around back of the block!

PROF You will have to be more specific. Wavy lines indeed!

MARBLE [moving further off] come and look, then! They go around the back, and – good god!

BETTY What?

SOUND PEOPLE DASH TO LOOK

BETTY That - that dark "hollow" in the stone – it's completely open!

PROF Marble, get me samples of that liquid before it all evaporates, would you? Didn't anyone think to check behind the block here?

BETTY Everyone was pretty distracted by Rooney.

PROF [dismissive] The corpse? I suppose, but he's certainly in no further danger.

BETTY [quiet but intense] You're more interested in your black liquid then a man who lost his life.

MARBLE [off] It's not liquid at all! At least not any more. It's nearly all dried, Professor Young. [musing] Dried into those strange wavy runnels and patterns...

BETTY It looks like black lacquer. And that smell. I see what the doctor meant!

PROF Our chipping and hammering and the heat of the radiator causing it to expand must have forced out the sepia, or whatever it is. [disappointed sigh] I had hoped that inside the liquid we would discover a fossil of value.

MARBLE Yes...

MUSIC

Scene 7.

AMB CROWD TALKING, OFF

MARBLE Look here Betty, I guess it's just you and me that might have seen this… thing.

BETTY That hole in the amber – it's awful big! Who knows WHAT might have been inside?

MARBLE [dubious] Could have been nothing at all…

BETTY Did that black stain look like it could have been enough to fill the entire cavity? I'm quite sure it was full.

MARBLE I'll poke around a bit.

BETTY Be careful!

MARBLE I will. Say, from here, does the giant block look like it's been moved?

BETTY Hold on – I have some sketches.

SOUND FLIPPING PAPERS ON HER CLIPBOARD

BETTY Gosh! You're right! It's shifted just a bit! But it – it's huge! Tons, Father said. [rationalizing] Oh! It must have been the explosion- or expulsion – of all that liquid. That might very well have shifted it, mightn't it?

MARBLE [dubious] Maybe.

BETTY You're worried about those marks in the black gunk, aren't you?

MARBLE They look like claw marks, not mere natural striations.

BETTY Professor Marble? Please don't look any longer. Let's leave this terrible place - for the day, anyway - until we see what happens in the next twenty-four hours.

MARBLE I must make a search. My brain calls me a fool, but just the same, I'm worried.

BETTY Do you really think ...?

MARBLE I fear so.

MUSIC

Scene 8.

BETTY Is there any further word on the murder?

MARBLE Your father has dismissed it as a botched theft attempt.

BETTY I – I can't believe it. And what about the blood?

MARBLE The blood?

BETTY Father may be able to disregard it, but he's the one who pointed out that all of poor Rooney's blood was… missing. Were there any other signs of struggle? Anywhere? Or even some sign of a break-in?

MARBLE No. [dubious] But it might be the work of a slick professional cracksman.

BETTY And how many of those would rather randomly kill a man than hide until the guard has gone on along his rounds, tell me that?

MARBLE [chuckle] I didn't say that was MY opinion.

BETTY I'm going to try to take father home, right after lunch, if he'll go. He's so stubborn. If you must stay, would you – please – carry a gun?

MARBLE Very well. Not that I think it would be of much use, if I did find—-[cuts himself off]

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, IMPERIOUS FEET ENTER

LEFFLER [from across the room] What's this I hear? A watchman killed in the night? Carelessness, man, carelessness!

MARBLE [quiet] Betty, see if your father needs anything.

BETTY Good idea.

LEFFLER The authorities here are absurd! They hold priceless treasures and yet they allow thieves to enter and wreak their will. [arrived] You, Marble! What's all this mean?

MARBLE We do the best we can, Mr. Leffler. It is unlikely that anyone would wish to, let alone be ABLE to, steal such a thing as that block of amber.

LEFFLER And why not? It cost ME thousands of dollars!

MARBLE It took the use of several large machines and a good deal of manpower to bring it INTO this room. Any attempt to similarly leave – well, it would hardly pass unnoticed.

LEFFLER Hogwash! I understand it's been broken into! There's pieces of my beautiful stone gone missing, mark my words!

SOUND BELL

BETTY It's time for lunch, Professor Marble.

MARBLE You'll excuse us? Good.

SOUND THEY WALK AWAY, LEAVING

LEFFLER [fading as they leave] OF all the things! I have contributed considerable sums to this museum, and to see my money treated as if it were no more valuable than the general run of arrowheads and pot shards!

MARBLE Phew. Thanks for coming to my rescue.

BETTY He'll still be at it when we get back.

MARBLE yes, but I will have had some coffee!

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OFF LEFFLER

MARBLE Poor Rooney. It's been preying on me. Betty, I feel more or less responsible, in a way.

BETTY No, no! How could you have foreseen such a thing?

MARBLE Those eyes. I shouldn't have discounted what we saw. I should have taken precautions. But I had no idea it could burst from its prison.

BETTY You will get a revolver before you search further? [firm] I'm going to, too. Smythe has one, and I know he'll lend it to me.

MARBLE I believe Leffler has seen something, too. That's why he keeps talking about it being our fault. His talk about the devil inside the block was half in earnest.

BETTY He never seemed to take it any more seriously than – than father does!

MARBLE Perhaps he put it down to imagination, or even did not think this fossil could be dangerous.

BETTY I think Rooney could show them the error of their assumptions.

MUSIC

Scene 9.

SOUND OUTSIDE

BETTY There's some kind of commotion at the museum entrance!

MARBLE Figures. We leave the building for just long enough to eat, and something happens!

SOUND CROWD MURMURS

GUARD Stay back, folks. The museum is closed.

MARBLE Let us through!

GUARD The museum is closed to the public, sir!

MARBLE I'm not the public! I insist you tell me what's going on!

GUARD Come inside, then both of you.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, CLOSING OUT CROWD

GUARD Somethin's happened up in the paleontological laboratories. Dunno just what, but orders come down to clear the rooms and not let anybody in but members of the staff, sir.

MARBLE Blast!

SOUND QUICK WALKING

BETTY Walter! Please wait! Get yourself a gun.

MARBLE All right. You!

GUARD Me?

MARBLE [to guard] Give me your gun. [to her] Betty, you need to stay here, where it's safe.

BETTY I'm going with you.

MARBLE As a senior staff member to a junior one, I order you to remain downstairs.

BETTY Hmph. Very well.

SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS GO ONE WAY, THEN HER FOOTSTEPS GO OFF IN ANOTHER DIRECTION

Scene 10.

MUSIC

SOUND CHECKING AMMO IN A GUN

SOUND BETTY STRIDING PURPOSEFULLY

BETTY [talking to herself] Good. I knew Smythe would come through for me. Marble may be a bright fellow, but anyone could see another gun will come in handy—

SOUND RUNNING FEET COMING

FRED [panic heavy breathing]

BETTY What is it? Fred! Look at me! Tell me what's going on!

FRED [gasping and babbling] There was a black fog—I saw a red snake with legs—

BETTY A what? Oh no! You get on out of here!

FRED B-but where are you going?

BETTY To make sure the professors are all right!

Scene 11.

SOUND HER RUNNING FEET, THEY SLOW

BETTY [coughing] What's that [cough] in the air. Phew! It smells like—[suddenly alert] It smells like whatever came out of that stone!

LEFFLER [distant horrible SCREAM]

BETTY Walter!

SOUND SHE RUNS, GASPING, THROUGH THE FOG

BETTY [muttered] It just keeps getting thicker and thicker – I can barely see! [up] Walter??

SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW, PATTING ALONG WITH HAND

BETTY Ah, the door.

LEFFLER [whimpering, distant]

SOUND DRAGGING JUICY AWFUL NOISES

BETTY [sharp whisper] Where are you?

LEFFLER [whimpery scream, cut off – urk!]

BETTY If only the sun would come out, the skylights might cut through some of this murk! [up] Walter!

MARBLE [quiet but urgent] Go back, Betty, go back!

SOUND HER SLOW STEPS

MARBLE [disgust and sorrow] Oh, Leffler! [groan]

BETTY [gasp] Here you are!

MARBLE I told you to get out of here!

BETTY Is he hurt?

MARBLE He's dead. Just like Rooney, far as I can tell.

BETTY But he just twitched!

MARBLE Something must have a hold on him!

BETTY Some thing? [screams]

SOUND SHE RUNS

MARBLE Get out of here, Betty! Get to safety!

SOUND SLITHERY NOISE

MARBLE I'll keep anything from following you.

BETTY [scream breaks off with noise of effort]

SOUND SMASH OF GLASS

Scene 12.

MARBLE What are you doing?

BETTY Terrified or not, I'm not leaving you, Walter! [noise of effort]

SOUND ANOTHER WINDOW BREAKS

BETTY But unless we get some air in here, that nasty haze will be our undoing!

MARBLE [astonished] Good girl! It's starting to clear a bit.

BETTY Where are you? I can see Leffler's … body… now, but-- Walter?

MARBLE [loud whisper] Stay clear of the amber.

BETTY Which one?

MARBLE [loud whisper] All of them. I think IT is hiding among them, somewhere.

BETTY How can we tell?

MARBLE [strange urgency] Betty, please go outside and call some of the men.

BETTY What are you looking ...at...? Oh. That black smoke – that's not moving because of the open window, is it?

MARBLE [strained, conversational] It's coming out from under that canvas cover.

BETTY [shocked but trying to sound calm] That's where it is!

MARBLE The cover is too big to move all in one go by myself.

BETTY I can get—

MARBLE Don't come any closer!

BETTY I'll grab the rope from here – between us, we can flip it!

SOUND SUCKING TENTACLE NOISE

BETTY [stifled noise of horror]

MARBLE Well, it's definitely under there.

SOUND ANOTHER SLITHER

MARBLE All right... now!

SOUND FLAP OF CLOTH

Scene 13.

MONSTER [hiss]

BETTY [scream]

MONSTER [shriek]

MARBLE All red, with black patches! Reptilian, but some sort of secondary nostrils on the – aha! That's where the black miasma in the air comes from!

BETTY IS coming from! It's trying to blind us with its smokescreen.

MARBLE Did you see where it went?

BETTY Other side of the block, I think! Oh, that smell!

MARBLE It must have been right there, under the canvas, all day.

BETTY Within arm's reach of the whole staff? How awful!

MARBLE [disgust] It came out only when there was comparative quiet, to get its food....

BETTY We-we must kill it! [slower] We... must…

MARBLE Betty! Its eyes – they're hypnotizing her Like a snake! Snap out of it, Betty!

SOUND SLITHERING SLURPING NOISE

MARBLE Betty!

SOUND THUMP, SKID, AS HE KNOCKS HER OVER, GETTING HER OUT OF THE WAY

BETTY [snapping out of it] Its mouth – that long fanged tongue!

MARBLE [noting to self] It has the thick body of an immense python and the clawed legs of a dinosaur.

BETTY And it's horrible!

MARBLE But it also appears to have tentacles, like some sort of terrestrial octopus....

BETTY Still horrible!

MARBLE Betty, no one has ever had such an experience as this, seen such a sight, and lived to tell of it. It must be ravenous with hunger, shut up in its amber cell inside the black fluid. I—

SOUND WHISTLING HISS – INTAKE OF AIR

BETTY I have a feeling it's about to blow!

MARBLE I think it's armored. I'll have to aim for the head.

SOUND SIX SHOTS

BETTY [screaming] It's coming!

SOUND WEIRD SLITHER THUMP AS IT MOVES

BETTY Come on!

SOUND THEY BACK AWAY

MARBLE It's in front of the door!

BETTY We can't go out the window! We're too high up! Here.

SOUND HANDS HIM GUN

BETTY I counted and you're just about out.

SOUND CLICK

MARBLE Good gravy you're right. [ugh, throws the empty gun] Thanks. Now you get moving while I distract it! Hurry! Run for your life!

BETTY Oh, Walter!

SOUND SHE RUNS

SOUND SLITHER, SNAP, GUNSHOTS

BETTY [off] Oh, there MUST be something! Aha! [Ugn! Breaks glass case]

SOUND GLASS BREAKS, GRABS FIRE AXE

SOUND MONSTER LUNGES AT MARBLE, MORE GUNSHOTS, CLICK

BETTY [muttered] I won't let you die, Walter!

SOUND SHE RUNS, THEN

BETTY UGN!!!!

SOUND CHOP OF AXE INTO FLESH

MONSTER [HORRIBLE SCREAM!]

MARBLE No! Over here, you beast! Keep looking at me!

BETTY And again!

SOUND THUMP, SQUISH

MONSTER Scream!

SOUND THRASHING

MARBLE Look out Betty! The tail!

BETTY What? Ugh! [smacked down]

SOUND BODY DROP

MARBLE No! Betty!

FADE INTO BLACKNESS AND SILENCE

Scene 14.

MUSIC STUMBLES IN

BETTY [waking, muttering] What?? What happened? [sudden gasp, freaking out] The monster!

MARBLE [manly agony] Oh, my darling! Are you badly hurt?

BETTY [calming down] No. I'm—I'm all right. But—but Walter—did it—?

PROF He's fine, but the monster is hacked to pieces, and don't think I'm simply using an unscientific term.

MARBLE I – i- when I saw you fall, I think I went a bit mad. And then the axe was in my hand, and –

PROF [stern] And he utterly mutilated a marvelous and unique specimen.

BETTY Father! We could have been killed!

PROF [relenting] Well, there are still some remains to examine. They're taking the rest of it away now.

PROF I think we will find it to be some sort of missing link between the dinosaurs and mososaurs. Thus, the tentacles.

SOUND HE WALKS AWAY

PROF [lecturing as he leaves] It is surely unbelievable that such a creature should be found alive; but perhaps it can be explained. It is related to the amphibians and was able to live in or out of the water.

MARBLE Hmph. Oh, to the devil with paleontology, Betty. You saved my life. Come out and let's get married. I love you.

PROF [droning on in the background] Now, we have many instances of reptiles such as lizards and toads penned up in solid rock but surviving for hundreds of years.

BETTY At least we're safe, Walter. And unique!

MARBLE How's that?

BETTY It's not every woman who is helped by a living fossil to make the man she loves realize he loves her!

PROF Evidently this great reptile went through the same sort of experience. I would say that there has been some great upheaval of nature, that the reptile was caught in its prison of amber thousands and thousands of years ago. Through hibernation and perhaps a preservative drug it emitted in the black fluid, this creature has been able to survive its long imprisonment. Naturally, when it was released by the cutting away of part of the amber which penned it in, it burst its cell, ravenous with hunger.

SOUND HE FADES OUT INTO CLOSING MUSIC

ENDING

...but what if it's not?