19 Nocturne Boulevard

Cold Read: https://discord.gg/c3jagscRVb

Deadeye Kid: http://www.19nocturneboulevard.net/all_show_pages/deadeye%20kid/DeadeyeKidmain.htm

THE NAKED TRUTH

B&B Investigations returns, and this time Paul and Donna have been hired by the personal assistant to Mr. Emperor (of Emperor Pictures), himself.

(For case #1, check out Cry Wolf) Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Willard - Barry Northern (Cast Macabre) Tom - Justin Charles (1st Draft Productions) Dick - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Herbie Taylor - Glen Hallstrom Goldy Taylor - Crystal Thomson Mr. Emperor - Rish Outfield (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Sherry - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Shop Steward - Scott Pigg Argus - J. Christopher Dunn Soda Jerk - Mike Campbell

Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street and Incompetech.com Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's private investigator's office, can't you tell?"

***********************************************

THE NAKED TRUTH

Cast:

Olivia

Paul Bette

Donna Bella

Captain Oftheguard

Willard

Goldy Taylor

Herbie Taylor

Tom, Dick

Mr. Emperor

Sherry

Shop steward

Argus

Soda Jerk

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?

MUSIC

1_EMPLOYEE

SOUND OFFICE

SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS

PAUL Right this way, sir. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

SOUND STEPS, DOOR

WILLARD As one of Mr. Emperor's personal assistants, I am not used to--

PAUL Of course not. Please, step into my office and have a seat. I'll get you some coffee?

WILLARD Don't you have staff for that?

PAUL This is pretty much a two-person office...

WILLARD Well, where's your assistant?

PAUL She's--

SOUND OUTER DOOR OPENS, STEPS BREEZE IN

DONNA Paul? You're here early.

WILLARD Speak of the devil?

PAUL Hold on just one moment.

SOUND STEPS, DOOR SHUTS

PAUL Shh. There's a client.

DONNA Oh? Great!

PAUL Well, I think he thinks that--

WILLARD [behind wall, raised voice] Mr. Emperor would never put up with tardiness in his employees.

DONNA [burning] Employees?

PAUL I didn't say anything, he just assumed.

DONNA What?

PAUL Don't get worked up - you know, this is the biz, sweetheart.

DONNA What?

PAUL The client is always right. Humor him, and we'll have a plum job - he's a personal assistant to Mr. Emperor.

DONNA [big payoff] WHA--? [then, back to normal suddenly] Of Emperor film studios? Ooh!

WILLARD [raised, through door] I'm still waiting for my coffee!

2_VO_FEMALE

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

PAUL The sad fact of detective work - it's just not a job you expect to find a female in, and people have a hard time accepting that my partner in the firm of B&B Investigations - and in fact one of said B's on the door -

DONNA The smarter B.

PAUL Don't be snippy. It's really not my fault.

DONNA [sigh] I know.

PAUL Is Donna Bella, my partner.

DONNA It grates that so many men just don't seem to feel like women - particulary pretty women--

PAUL Or beauties.

DONNA Me? Oh, silly! They don't feel that we can be more than princesses, secretaries, sorceresses, social climbers, or damsels in distress. Sure, some women make it to prominence for their brains, and then every pair of pants around says "wow, ain't she unusual?" and we gals suffer in silence.

PAUL [hinting] On the other hand, it makes for a good cover - flying way under the radar - to be able to watch goings-on and take notes.

DONNA [reluctant] True.

PAUL Feeling any better?

DONNA A bit. I guess.

PAUL I probably should... talk to the client?

DONNA Go on ahead. I'll muse a moment longer.

PAUL [careful] Would you... bring us coffee when you're done? [quickly] I mean, let him think that you're--

DONNA Yeah, yeah. I'll give you the one without.

PAUL Without what?

DONNA [dark] I have't decided yet.

PAUL [goes off, chuckling]

DONNA The only thing that makes this job bearable - apart from the whole thrill of the chase, which is fun - is my partner, Paul Bette. Big brute that he is, he never underestimates me. I think he regards me as a little brother in a dress, which ain't a real pretty picture - you should see his little brother. Sometimes, I wish he did see me as a woman - in a dress - and treat me like one. Ah, forget it.

MUSIC CUTS OUT

3_CHICORY

SOUND DOOR OPENS

DONNA [way too perky] Two coffees!

WILLARD And about time.

PAUL [sigh] I explained to you about the errend I sent her on--

WILLARD Yes, yes of course. But--

PAUL And this office doesn't exactly put me in Mr. Emperor's class for choice of--

WILLARD [accepting] Ah, well. [sips, smacks lips] Interesting flavor.

PAUL [worried] What is it?

DONNA [daggers] Chicory.

WILLARD Hmm. Yes. Amusing.

PAUL Can we get down to business?

DONNA Do you need me to stay?

WILLARD Doesn't she take shorthand or something?

PAUL She does, but [overriding her] she does it out at her desk, over the intercom. Less distracting that way.

DONNA [huffs as she leaves]

SOUND TAPS OF HER FEET, DOOR SHUTS

WILLARD [confidential] If you plan to keep that one around for... looks, you simply must find an ugly one to do the work.

PAUL Not a bad idea. Though a bit sexist.

WILLARD I am in the film business.

PAUL Ah. Now what is the nature of your problem?

WILLARD You are familiar with the prestigious filmography of Mr. Emperor?

PAUL Golden idols, plaques, every movie a winner. Of course.

WILLARD [coughs delicately] Almost every movie a winner.

PAUL [knowing] Oh, yes. But still an impressive reputation.

WILLARD And not one to be trifled with. Unfortunately, my master also suffers from a terrible case of ...hubris.

PAUL Shouldn't he see a doctor?

WILLARD [dry] Funny. No, it's only-- [sighs, trying to find the right word]

PAUL Be blunt, this is all confidential.

WILLARD [resigned sigh] It's his ego. It has simply swollen so large he can no longer see past it.

PAUL [confused] And you want me to help with that?

WILLARD No, no, it's the consequences which disturb me. I just don't know where to start...

PAUL The beginning is usually a good bet.

WILLARD Six months ago, a consortium of ...people found their way into Mr. Emperor's social sphere...

MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER

4_VO_RODOMONTADE

DONNA Goodness, what a mouth. He must have it embroidered on his underwear somewhere - "thou shalt not utilize a single clear and plain word when ten or a dozen fancy choices will do the trick." I was hard put not to fall asleep right on the intercom. And what did it all boil down to? He suspected a couple of scam artists of lining his boss up for a sting. But could he just cut to the point and say that? Indubitably in the negative.

PAUL The details were interesting but not conclusive.

DONNA There were actual details in there?

PAUL Yes. This trio had wormed their way into emperor's inner circle, and pitched him on a movie they wanted to make. He thought it sounded like a winner, didn't run it past anyone, and didn't even stop to read the script - just trusted his instinct that they would be "the next big thing." He set them up in a closed soundstage, and handed them a check. Since then, they've been needing more and more money for all those ...things movies have--

DONNA Actors, costumes, sets, props, film--

PAUL Yeah, but there's no proof they've ever spent a dime of it. They've made a big deal of auditioning a bunch of hopefuls--

DONNA Mostly by letting themselves be wined and dined by all the big names. Or worse.

PAUL And no one even knows if this movie is actually being made.

DONNA And Mr. Emperor doesn't suspect anything?

PAUL I dunno. Willard seemed to think his boss might be beginning to suspect something, but he's got so much invested in the damn project, he can't step away. His whole ego and reputation - both more monumental than his wallet - are so tied up in this. He's never had a flop before--

DONNA Well, there was the one.

PAUL Right - he mentioned something like that. What's the deal?

DONNA A silly little flick called Gone with the Wind - ever see it?

PAUL Nope.

DONNA Well, neither did anyone else. Who'd ever buy a story of three pigs and a wolf anyway?

MUSIC NOT QUITE A "WAH-WAH-WAH"

5_OFTHEGUARD

SOUND MUSIC IS INTERRUPTED BY A PHONE RINGING

DONNA Should I get that, [snotty] "Mister Bette"?

PAUL Would you?

DONNA [sullen] Fine.

SOUND PHONE SNATCHED UP

DONNA [too sultry] B&B Investigations. How may I direct your call, to B or B?

OFTHEGUARD [on the phone] Donna? What's got into you?

DONNA Oh, Captain Oftheguard! [hah!] I'm just covering the front while we decide on hiring a new secretary.

PAUL A new secretary--?

DONNA Our last one...um... won a bundle of dough in a radio contest and ran off to Barbados. Who'd'a thunk that being able to name all the dancing princesses--

OFTHEGUARD Cut the malarkey, Donna. Is Bette there? I need to speak to him.

DONNA Yes. Of course.

OFTHEGUARD [pointed] Alone.

DONNA [to Paul] Everyone wants you today.

SOUND SLAMS THE RECEIVER ONTO THE TABLE

DONNA I'll just go... buy some shoes or some other feminine pursuit.

SOUND SHE LEAVES - FEET, RUSTLE

PAUL Donna? What--?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

SOUND VOICE ON THE PHONE, VERY SMALL AND DISTORTED

PAUL Damn. [growl]

SOUND SNATCHES UP THE PHONE

PAUL [still a growl] What?

OFTHEGUARD What brownie crawled in your shoe?

MUSIC IN

DONNA I left them to their little boy games and decided to do the one thing Paul would never think of. Or approve of.

PAUL [distant] Huh? What?

DONNA See you in the movies, babe.

PAUL [getting closer] Movies? What movies?

MUSIC OUT

PAUL [echoey] Donna?

OFTHEGUARD No, it's Oftheguard. Ain't Donna with you?

PAUL She just stormed out of here.

OFTHEGUARD That girl has a temper. Anyway, I wanted to discuss her birthday.

PAUL Birthday? What?

OFTHEGUARD Didn't you know? It's Friday night, and I was wondering what kind of arrangements you mighta made.

PAUL Oh. We've been really busy here-- [still wondering] Movies?

OFTHEGUARD What?

PAUL Nothing. [back on point] Friday. Birthday. Arrangements. Right.

MUSIC IN

6_AUDITION

DONNA [quiet] I stood outside the studio where the fancy schmancy new movie was supposedly being filmed - a huge building out on the docks with no windows and only one door.

MUSIC OUT

AMB PIER

SOUND DOORBELL BUZZER

TOM [on intercom] Sorry! Ain't hiring today. Closed set.

DONNA [breathy, sexy] Oh, please! I just came in on a bus from Punkinville, and want so badly to be in moving pictures!

TOM Step up to the peephole - there on the left. Saaaaaay. You're a real beaut, ain'tcha?

DONNA It has been said. Back home in Peter Piper Iowa, I was the beauty queen!

TOM I thought you said you were from Punkinville.

DONNA [thinking madly] Oh... I-- [drops voice] Punkinville is the bad side of Peter Piper.

TOM Why don't you come on in? [lecherous] I might be able to squeeze in a screen test.

SOUND BUZZ, DOOR OPENS

DONNA [deep breath] Thank you ever so. [muttered] Just be careful what you're squeezing.

SOUND WALKS INTO ECHOEY SPACE

7_EXIT STAGE LEFT

MUSIC IN

PAUL I had no idea where Donna had got to, after our little dustup that morning. And I was skeptical about Oftheguard's ideas for a party.

SOUND CAR SNEAKS IN

PAUL Seemed pretty frivolous for a captain of his standing, but he was also an old friend of Donna's. I decided to cut right to the chase and go to the studio.

SOUND CAR BRAKES, SOUND OF PIER

PAUL Work can usually take my mind off of--

SOUND DOOR BEING SLAMMED OPEN, BODY FALLING OUT

TOM Whoooooah! [being tossed out]

PAUL I realized Donna had beaten me to the punch.

SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS

PAUL [gasp, startled]

SOUND DONNA GETTING IN

DONNA I don't want to talk about it.

PAUL What's in there?

DONNA I didn't get a chance to see much.

PAUL What happened?

SOUND SNAP FINGERS

MUSIC IN SUDDENLY

DONNA I didn't want to talk about it, but he just couldn't seem to take a hint.

PAUL Got it. Fine.

DONNA Since I hadn't seen more than ten feet into the building - MOST of that being hallway, it wouldn't do ANY good to hash it over anyway.

PAUL I've got it. Seriously.

DONNA And all because I would not could not on a couch--

PAUL He offered you breakfast?

DONNA Just drop it!

MUSIC OUT

8_BACK TO OFFICE

SOUND MOMENT OF SILENCE, CAR STARTS

PAUL We need to find a way in.

DONNA [almost steaming again] Oh?

PAUL I'm thinking a little piecework.

DONNA [more] OH?

PAUL All it would take is a little pounding, drilling. In and out. Simple.

DONNA [furious] OOOOH?

PAUL [noticing her anger] uh, do you have a problem with me doing some construction work?

DONNA Oh!

PAUL What did you think I meant?

DONNA Nothing!

MUSIC IN

PAUL No, really.

DONNA I want to go back to the office. We do have some bleach there, don't we?

PAUL [narrating] Back at the office, the phone was ringing.

SOUND QUICK STEPS, PICK UP PHONE

PAUL Hello?

WILLARD Hello?

PAUL Yes, can I help you?

WILLARD Is there anyone there?

PAUL What?

DONNA The music!

SOUND SNAP FINGERS

MUSIC OUT

9_PHONE

PAUL Right.

WILLARD Ah, I was wondering. I have been phoning for simply ages. Where's your assistant been?

DONNA [dark] I've been to the palace to see the queen.

PAUL [to her, covering handset] No need for that! [back to the phone] What did you need?

DONNA [walking away] And pussycat pussycat, what'd you do there?

PAUL [muttered aside] pattycake or not, it's dang sexy when she speaks foreign.

DONNA [almost gone, loud] I'm getting ready to kick what he puts in a chair!

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

PAUL [interested] Oooh! [back to the phone] Sorry about that. Employee relations.

WILLARD You're not relating to her on MY time, are you?

PAUL [growling] Anything on YOUR time will turn up on an expense account, bub. Now, what were you calling about?

WILLARD [grumbling] You still need a secretary for the real work. [up] Mr. Emperor has finally nailed them down on a debut - Friday night at Grimm's Chinese theater - and we have to DO something before then! If this is another bomb, he will be ruined!

PAUL We're on it.

WILLARD as long as you're not both on it at the same time, I'll be happy. Goodbye!

PAUL [GROWLS] Music!

MUSIC COMES IN, BUT DOOR OF OFFICE OPENS

A1_GOLDY

GOLDY Hello?

MUSIC CUTS OUT

PAUL Uh, what?

GOLDY You're looking for a secretary.

PAUL I'm - what?

GOLDY [long suffering sigh] Look, I don't mind working for chump change, or even schlepping for a brute like you - no offense--

PAUL None taken.

GOLDY But I do try to work for folks who get some vocabulary. I learned. Had a job once taking dictation from this big black bird. Couldn't say nothing but--

PAUL Nevermind. I'm just surprised. We haven't actually advertised yet.

GOLDY Oh, sorry! I spoke with-- [deliberately trails off]

PAUL Donna?

GOLDY Is she here?

PAUL [yes] She's in her office.

GOLDY Then no, not her. This was a... [thinks] ...a client.

PAUL Oh, Mr. Emperor's assistant.

GOLDY Yeah. Him. He suggested I come by.

PAUL Can you type?

GOLDY You bet.

PAUL Answer phones?

GOLDY I got a gold-plated ear.

PAUL [serious] Really?

GOLDY No.

PAUL Cause I knew a girl once, with--

GOLDY Do I get the job?

PAUL I have to check with Donna first. [up] Donna?

DONNA [from off] Still annoyed!

PAUL This might cheer you up!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE STRIDES IN

DONNA What?

GOLDY [admiring] Well, look at you.

DONNA Who's looking at me, kid?

PAUL She came here for the secretary job. Donna Bella, this is-- uh--

GOLDY Ms. Lox. But you can call me Goldy.

MUSIC IN

PAUL Goldy's resume looked good--

DONNA --and freshly typed--

PAUL So we left her in charge and went looking for a way into the soundstage.

GOLDY Is that the Emperor pictures soundstage you were talking about?

PAUL Hey, this is a voiceover, not a party line.

GOLDY Hmph. Coulda fooled me.

PAUL Lets take a drive. Get some privacy.

DONNA [romantic] Really Paul? It's so sudden.

MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY

A2_PRIVATE CAR

SOUND CAR TURNS ON

PAUL That's exactly what I'm worried about.

DONNA Huh?

PAUL The way she showed up. Very sudden.

DONNA Oh. Did you lock up the petty cash?

PAUL Doll, our cash is so petty it ain't worth it.

DONNA [chuckles] So why do you think she popped up just now? With a freshly minted resume?

PAUL I'm thinking someone's caught onto that valet's worry, and wants to keep tabs on us.

DONNA The potential swindlers?

PAUL We'll see.

MUSIC IN

PAUL [muttered] Follow my lead. [up] Since the front door approach had been nixed, I figured on checking out the loading docks.

DONNA Ah! Drop me at the union hall, wouldja?

PAUL Donna had a promising line of inquiry. [side of mouth, teasing] Voice over...

DONNA I figured if there was anything coming in and going out - apart from money, there'd be someone at the local 509 who kept an eye on it.

PAUL Can't do anything in the film industry without teamsters.

DONNA [back at him] Voice over.... [whispered] I'll take the voiceover in 15 minutes. When you're done, you mention a llama.

PAUL [whispered] Beast or priest?

DONNA [whispered] Either way.

PAUL Dropping her off, I went on down to the docks, figuring on asking around, finding out who catered the shop. Bye, sweets.

DONNA [blows a kiss] See ya!

SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS

PAUL Smart as a whip. [musing] That's just one of those things you say, but when you really think about it, how smart IS a whip? And who would ever ask to be "whipped"?

SOUND DRIVING AGAIN

PAUL I found a parking space down at the end of the marina, out of sight, but close enough in case someone decided to take a run-out powder.

DONNA Speaking of powder, I decided to stop in at a Rex druggist for a new compact and a bite to eat.

MUSIC OUT

A3_SODA JERK

DONNA Bet you get a lot of movie folks in here.

JERK [squeaking] Here? [clears his throat] Here? I mean, not so's you'd notice, why?

DONNA Aren't they making a film down on the pier, there?

JERK Are they? I haven't heard anything. Who's in it?

DONNA I was hoping you'd know.

JERK No, but I know who to ask.

DONNA Oh? Who?

JERK There's this old guy comes in here a lot. Big nose. He seems to know everyone. Baron, Baron---

DONNA Munchausen? Hah! Oops, is that the time? I was supposed to meet the local shop steward.

MUSIC IN

DONNA There's two ways to deal with teamsters. Hire them and pay them a good wage, or don't hire them and pay them anyway. That was what all the hullabaloo was about the sorcerer's apprentice - making brooms that can tote water is the worst kind of scab labor. Of course, there are exceptions, and I found out this was one of those.

MUSIC OUT

A4_TEAMSTERS

STEWARD Foreign soil.

DONNA What?

STEWARD That pier. Used to be the embassy for Atlantis.

DONNA But Atlantis sank.

STEWARD Yeah, but that pier is still foreign soil. Any work done there is subject to the local laws. Of Atlantis.

DONNA But what about things going in and out? Surely you must be handling deliveries?

STEWARD We would have to. But there ain't none. None at all, and we've been keeping our sharpest eye on them. [up] Argus?

ARGUS Yeah, boss?

DONNA Wow. I'd hate to be your optometrist.

ARGUS Guess I'm lucky I got 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20--

DONNA I got it.

ARGUS --vision, eh?

DONNA Yeah. So, you haven't seen ANYone coming or going?

ARGUS Didn't say that - a couple guys are in and out. Just not goods or anything that we'd have to handle.

DONNA But the film crew--

ARGUS What film crew? It's just these three guys. No one else.

STEWARD So the crew must be living in there, too. Which would be a housing board violation, except...

DONNA Foreign soil. Right. Thanks for the help, guys. Oops - I'm running a bit late. Come on!

SOUND SNAP FINGERS

MUSIC IN

DONNA I wonder when my new music will arrive. [sigh, up] It was a mystery all right. Somehow they had a set with no setup, a cast with no costumes, and a crew with no shore leave. Far as anyone might know, it could be a big empty building - empty except for the oodles of gold Emperor was pouring into it. And if there was truly nothing - how to save the studio, avoid embarrassment, and catch the crooks, all at once. It was about time to grab those three guys and set them adrift in a leaky tub.

PAUL Lama.

DONNA Just like that?

PAUL Yup. Can you get back to the office on your own?

DONNA Ain't a hackie I can't handle.

PAUL Meet you there. I'll take this for a while.

DONNA Oh, right--

PAUL AND DONNA [unison, teasing] Voice-over. [both laugh]

PAUL I had found something - something very interesting - out back of the warehouse, and was bringing it back to the office to examine it more closely. Too bad it was a little hard to fit into the car. That was reason enough to get Donna to find her own way home.

DONNA Like a little lamb, dragging my tail behind me?

PAUL Only you could make pattycake sound sexy.

DONNA You should see what I can do with [very sexy] Pease porridge HOT.

PAUL [interested growl] Save it! Rowr!

DONNA Can we get to the office, already?

PAUL Sounds good.

MUSIC OUT

A5_HERBIE

SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE WALKS IN

GOLDY Welcome to B&B Investigations. Can I-- Oh! [shrug] Ehh. Good practice, I suppose.

DONNA [stunned] What... happened?

GOLDY Whaddaya mean?

DONNA It's so... clean. You didn't have a horde of magic forest animals in here, did you?

SOUND DOOR OPENS

GOLDY [hurried] Uh, no. I just didn't have a lot to do. [uneasy] I ain't real fond of forests. Or animals.

PAUL Ahem.

GOLDY Present company excluded.

PAUL Good.

SOUND HE WALKS IN, STRUGGLING MAN WITH HIM

HERBIE Mrph. Urk. [struggling noises, bag on head]

GOLDY But I draw the line at kidnapping! What did you do to that poor mug?

PAUL I put a bag on his head.

HERBIE [muffled] Goldy?

GOLDY [cussing] Oh, Porridge!

DONNA Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, sweetheart.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS

GOLDY You lemme go, or I swear I'll break a chair - on your pretty little auburn head!

SOUND BAG OFF OF HEAD

HERBIE Goldy! What's all this about, my little housebreaker?

DONNA Whoever you are, you're not alone, and you're embarrassing Ms. Lox.

GOLDY Thank you.

HERBIE Ms. Lox? Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe. Since then, she's been my wife, Goldy Tailor!

DONNA I thought I recognized you. Aren't you that guy who--?

GOLDY Oh, don't bring it up. Please!

HERBIE What's wrong with a man taking credit for his past achievements? So I took out 7 in one blow.

GOLDY Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe. And they were flies. This is his big achievement.

HERBIE Honey. Sweetie. Who're these folks anyway?

PAUL We're the private investigators who've been hired to find out what's really going on with that "movie" you're filming

HERBIE [suddenly serious] Oh. That.

MUSIC IN

DONNA For all their bickering, I was jealous. They'd been married for twenty years, and I could see what she really felt by the way she looked at him.

PAUL That and the fact that he clearly didn't put her up to sneaking in and spying on the spies.

GOLDY You know I can hear you?

DONNA We are definitely going to have to do something about that.

MUSIC OUT

HERBIE It started out as a little con job. Or that's what they told me. I came in late in the game.

GOLDY Yeah, you're innocent as a baby fresh from a cabbage patch. And about as smart. A pair of grifters like that--

HERBIE They got me in because I know the garment trade, and they needed someone to handle the costumes.

DONNA But there... aren't any costumes?

HERBIE Yeah, that's the funny part. They mostly needed someone who could write a convincing invoice for the things they weren't buying.

GOLDY I hope you got some decent pay for this.

PAUL You're really better off not discussing THAT in front of witnesses.

HERBIE At first, I thought it was just a joke, and then, suddenly... before I even knew it, I was in it right up to my cummerbund.

GOLDY And none of this is admissible in court! I clerked for enough lawyers in my day. I know all about hearsay.

PAUL Tell us everything you know, Mr. Lox--

HERBIE Tailor. Herbie Tailor. You can call me Herbie.

PAUL Herbie, and we'll do our best to keep your name out of it.

HERBIE Like I said, it's all a scam. More shell companies than a town full of mermaids. Constant demands for money - and all to make this movie they say will be over the heads of everyone in the audience.

PAUL But why?

HERBIE I guess this producer wants to rise above the crowd-pleasing musicals and talking animal flicks he usually churns out--

GOLDY Apart from that one--

HERBIE Oh, yeah, that. Anyway, he wants to do something all intellectual and deep - like a foreign film. Make a new name for himself.

PAUL Just hoping that name won't be ... um... [prompting] something bad.

HERBIE Aschenputtel?

DONNA Maleficent?

PAUL Shh! That one's copyrighted.

DONNA Oh.

GOLDY Just say his name would be mud and move on.

HERBIE Look, if I'm gone for much longer, they're gonna get suspicious.

PAUL Can you try and find out one thing? If we agree to help keep you out of the hands of the guard?

HERBIE I dunno. I don't want to--

GOLDY [warning] Herbie!?

HERBIE Yeah, all right. Whatever you want.

PAUL I want to know what they're planning to do. There has to be something in it for them, or they'd'a cut and run long back.

HERBIE Yeah. I guess.

DONNA True - with the premiere coming up, they must have one last big payoff in mind.

PAUL Why don't you two get outta here?

GOLDY Me, too?

PAUL Sorry, but until this is finished, you're just gonna be in the way.

DONNA And stay out of our voiceovers!

MUSIC IN

DONNA It was a pity, really. Goldy had done a bang up job of cleaning the office.

PAUL Is that what happened?

DONNA Yup. But until the case was cleared, there was no way we could let her stick around. Maybe after the gala on Friday--

MUSIC OUT

A6_FRIDAY

PAUL Friday! Holy cow!

DONNA Whazzat?

PAUL Nothing. I need to give Willard a call. See if there's any new payments going down the line.

DONNA Why don't you let me handle that? Isn't that what assistants are for?

PAUL We don't get paid if you hurt him.

DONNA Over the phone? I'll be very nice.

PAUL You go on ahead, then. I have a few other loose ends to tie up.

DONNA Like?

PAUL Nothing I can't handle. You go on.

DONNA [suspicious] Riiiight. I'm out.

MUSIC IN

PAUL [long sigh] I was going to have to call Oftheguard and let him know we were otherwise engaged this Friday. I hoped he hadn't done much in the way of planning. But I knew Donna wouldn't want to let anything get in the way of finishing a case. I was even thinking he might be handy to have around when--

SOUND PHONE RINGS

PAUL [checking if she's around] Donna? Oh well. Music?

MUSIC OUT

A7_WHISPERS

SOUND PHONE PICKED UP

PAUL Hello?

HERBIE [whispered] I got it.

PAUL Got what?

HERBIE What they're up to. They plan to claim the film's been stolen, and cash in on the insurance. Maybe even ask a ransom.

PAUL So - last minute, no film, and they're in the clear?

HERBIE Gotta go.

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

DONNA Guess it's time to report to the client.

PAUL [surprised] Yah! Didn't you leave?

DONNA Couldn't think of anything interesting to do.

SOUND PHONE DIALING

MUSIC IN

DONNA Sometimes, the P.I. biz is just a lot of waiting, false starts, and standing around in the rain.

MUSIC OUT

A8_REPORT

PAUL Or giving bad news.

WILLARD [on phone] What bad news?

MUSIC IN

PAUL I gave him the run-down, and he took it pretty well.

MUSIC OUT

WILLARD [screaming] NooO! You simply MUST do something!

DONNA [off] I could get him some more chicory!

PAUL We were hired to get info, not to--

WILLARD Then I'm hiring you again! Money is no object, as long as you save Mr. Emperor's reputation!

PAUL I guess we need to find someone who can make you a movie.

SOUND PHONE HANGS UP

DONNA In two days? [idea] I'll handle that. Why don't you figure out what to do with the crooks when we get them?

PAUL But--

DONNA Then we can skip ahead to the denouement!

PAUL But--

DONNA This should be fun!

A9_EMPEROR

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

PAUL [weakly, disbelieving] In two days? [sigh] Well, they can't expect miracles...

MUSIC IN

PAUL Oh, all right. The night of the big show arrived. The theater was full of all those glittering people who appear out of nowhere every time a red carpet unrolls. Crowned heads and nouveau riche, stars and those who just had stars in their eyes. I was with Mr. Emperor only moments before the curtain was to go up.

EMPEROR [emperor only speaks in bellows] [on phone] What are you talking about? The canisters were just delivered!

TOM [On phone] They what?

EMPEROR They're being set up this minute - you could have given them some more time, you know.

TOM But, the ransom call just came in!

EMPEROR Must be a hoax. Come on down and enjoy the show.

TOM I don't--

PAUL They really should be here to take their share of the credit.

EMPEROR The car should be there about now.

SOUND RECEIVER SLAMMED DOWN

EMPEROR You can go now. The projector staff have the cans well in hand.

PAUL I'm supposed to stay and keep an eye on them after the debut also.

WILLARD I'll find him a seat somewhere.

EMPEROR Fine, fine. See you after the show.

SOUND DOOR SLAM

PAUL Is he angry?

WILLARD No, why?

PAUL Nothing.

WILLARD What if the film is bad? What do we do?

PAUL Plan b is set the projector room on fire after the first reel.

WILLARD Really?

PAUL No! But what you need to do is go out there and give the film a big buildup. Make a point that it's very highbrow and intellectual and that only the most perceptive people will understand and appreciate it. You know the kind of thing - butter up the audience with one hand, threaten them with the other.

WILLARD I work for producers, of course I know.

PAUL Go for it.

B1_FINALE

MUSIC IN

DONNA The movie had a bit of a rough start, but once the people got used to the pace, they seemed to get into it. Since there were no kids in the audience to get restless and start saying obnoxious things, it seemed to go over pretty well.

PAUL I made a point of being in the hallway outside emperor's box, and when the culprits tried to slink away at the last minute...

MUSIC OUT

PAUL Where do you think you're going?

TOM uh... concessions. Need more popcorn.

DICK Me too.

PAUL Movie's nearly over. Don't you want to take your bows?

DICK But it ain't our--

TOM Stifle! He meant it ain't our style to be in the public eye, you see. C'mon--

DONNA Not so fast.

DICK A big guy and a pair of dames? Don't make me laugh.

PAUL I wouldn't--

TOM Oh, jeez! It's her! [muttered to dick] We'd have a better chance with the brute.

DICK Really?

TOM [up] What do youse guys want?

DONNA We want to avoid any unpleasantness for Mr. Emperor, so your job is to go out there and take your bows, and introduce your writer-director, Sherry here.

SHERRY Hi!

DONNA She's real good with a story, and saved everyone's butts.

SHERRY You wanted avant garde - and I was dying to try something new.

PAUL I still can't believe you finished it in two days.

SHERRY I had a good subject to work with.

TOM But what're we supposed to do after tonight?

DONNA I suggest take some filmmaking lessons - if this is a success, you're going to have half the studios around looking to hire you, and most are a bit more picky than Mr. Emperor.

PAUL Don't worry - you can always go into seclusion, after completion of your masterwork.

SHERRY Just as long as I get my credit - and since I mastered the final titles, I DO [laughs]. I'll get any work I want after this. Picture it - "A Scherezade production" in big lights! I'll keep 'em coming back, night after night.

MUSIC IN

B2_BIRTHDAY

DONNA And it went over with a bang - primed as they were, no one was willing to admit that the film "wooden you" - a more or less still shot of one guy's face as he answers a series of more and more odd and uncomfortable questions - was strange or incomprehensible, or even dull.

PAUL There was even a certain hush in the theater from time to time - waiting to see if his response would be a lie.

DONNA How she talked Pinocchio into it, we'll never know. On the other hand, if there's one thing Sherry's good at, it's getting folks to listen to her.

PAUL Sorry to miss your birthday by the way.

DONNA Eek!

PAUL I said I was sorry!

DONNA [warning] Voice over!

PAUL We were just getting back to the office, when--

MUSIC OUT

DONNA ixnay on the irthday-bay.

PAUL I- what?

DONNA I was hoping everyone forgot.

PAUL Oh. Sorry, then, for that.

SOUND KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, A COUPLE OF STEPS

CROWD Surprise!

PAUL I didn't - what the - not my fault!

DONNA What?

OFTHEGUARD Didn't mean to startle you - your secretary let us in.

DONNA What?

GOLDY Sorry boss. Bosses. Who can say no to such a face?

PAUL AND DONNA Bosses?

GOLDY Try getting rid of me. Besides, I make a mean cuppa joe!

CLOSING

A tale of ... vengeance... the title basically says it.

[Somehow didn't come out when I planned]

CRY WOLF (B&B Investigations, Case 1)

In a world part 1940s film noir and part Grimms, B&B Investigations are hired to clear the name of one "Mr. Wolf", who was allegedly killed after devouring a grandmother...

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List

Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Wolf - Rhys TM Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Red - Julia Carson Little Boy Blue - Beverly Poole Portia - Chandra Wade Prince - Mr. Synyster Additional Voices - Cole Hornaday

Music: Buz Hendricks, Somewhere Off Jazz Street (via Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Main Theme: Kevin McLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Front: Brett Coulstock

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?"

************************************************

CRY WOLF

Cast:

Olivia (opening credits)

Donna Bella - slumming society dame

Paul Bett - roughneck P.I.

Mrs. Wolf - distraught widow

Red - hot tamale and damsel in dis dress

Captain Oftheguard - police investigator

Boy Blue - patticake ragamuffin

Winky, Blinky, Noddy - sewing Crones

Rumpy Stiltskin - snitch

Portia - Lawyer from across the pond

Prince

Officer Sees-Real-Far

ANNOUNCER 19 Nocturne Boulevard.

CABBIE Nocturne Boulevard? Not far. When you hit Howard, hang a right. Howard meets Phillip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe. You can't miss Nocturne - it's just past the automat.

ANNOUNCER 19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural. Tonight's story is called Wolf's Clothing

SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.

OLIVIA [sultry voice] Yes. This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won't you step inside?

SOUND FOOTSTEPS

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?

MUSIC SULTRY NOIR SAX

MRS. WOLF I know he was a beast--

PAUL Hey!

MRS. WOLF But he was mine. And now he's dead.

DONNA Seems like a cut and dried case, Mrs. Wolf. What exactly do you want us to do?

MRS. WOLF They're saying my dear sweet husband Loopy killed this old lady and was taken down by a "good Samaritan" before he could escape. But he would never do anything like that!

VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS

DONNA [voiceover] We'd seen it all before. But that's what you get in P-I work - more of denial than Egypt in flood season, and more grief than happily ever afters. Lives are like mirrors - once they're shattered, they can never be quite put back together.

PAUL [voiceover] Mrs. Wolf was a typical criminal's window. Never willing to admit that the dead beloved might have actually been a predator--

DONNA [voiceover] Hey! This is my voiceover.

PAUL [voiceover] You said we were going to start splitting them. And you kept top billing.

DONNA [voiceover] That's my Paul. Paul Bette. Despite his excruciatingly gruff and intimidating exterior, he always has to be the logical one.

PAUL [voiceover] And that's my Donna. Donna Bella. She's a lot more than just a pretty face.

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS TO FADE OUT

DONNA [voiceover] I am right here.

PAUL [voiceover] Hmph. Maybe you'll learn something. Is it my turn now?

DONNA [voiceover] Nah, let's cut back to the scene.

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS

MRS. WOLF It's like you're not even listening to me!

DONNA Sorry. So your husband was killed in the commission of a crime--

PAUL Alleged crime. Alleged commission.

MRS. WOLF Loopy would never do that! He's always been a good husband and father--

DONNA Forgive me for asking, Mrs. Wolf, but has he been known to, well, hunt in other pastures?

PAUL That was surprisingly tactful.

DONNA Thank you.

MRS. WOLF You're asking if he ever ran around on me?

DONNA You know, a little howl at the moon? A little lamb on the side?

MRS. WOLF Well Loopy was no saint--

PAUL It will help us help you.

MRS. WOLF [Sobs, then grudgingly] Yes. I always knew he was a bit of a dog, but I loved him. And there were always the cubs to consider.

DONNA Let's get down to the teeth of the matter. What exactly do you want us to do? Your husband's killer is no secret - in fact he's all over the papers as a big hero. "Simple woodcutter saves young girl from fate of devoured gramma." Story on page 7.

MRS. WOLF It's the insurance. They're refusing to pay out since he died while committing a crime. I wouldn't ask if it was just for me, but our pack - well, we'll hardly be able to hold our muzzles up in public.

VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS

PAUSE

DONNA [voiceover] ... OK, you go.

PAUL [voiceover] Thank you. The case was the biggest thing to hit the hot sheets since the disappearance of debutante White last year. Nothing sparks the interest like someone getting devoured.

DONNA [voiceover] ...And a little heavily implied sex. The facts were pretty cut and dried. Red reached gramma's cottage at 10 p.m., only to find the door unlocked and most of the light bulbs unscrewed. A voice from the bedroom called out for her to come in.

VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS OUT

PAUL We should check and see if Mr. Wolf was known for voice impersonations.

DONNA Noted. So--

PAUL [cutting her off] So Red went in to deliver gramma's goodies--

DONNA [upping the ante] --and didn't realize at first that the person tucked up in bed was not her dear sweet gran--

PAUL [stealing the punchline, almost breathless] --but a bloodthirsty wolf, dressed in the clothes of the little old lady he had devoured just moments earlier.

DONNA [sigh] Why didn't she notice? We need to check on Red's eyesight. Seems fishy to me. Could she have been expecting something?

PAUL I've heard some interesting things about Red. Maybe I should tackle her alone.

DONNA Me too - [catty] I've heard that if her riding hood was a car, it would come with a rumble seat and a convertible roof.

PAUL [wolfish] They do say she likes to run around with the top down.

DONNA [sweetly] Well, you go on ahead. I'll stop in on the Captain and see if I can wiggle loose a copy of the official report.

PAUL Nothing doing! I know just what kind of wiggling you-- [cut off by music]

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA [voiceover, very satisfied] So we paid a little call on Red. Together.

PAUL [voiceover] Hey! Let me finish.

DONNA [voiceover] Tell me on the way.

SOUND CAR DOORS. CAR DRIVES OFF CAR ENGINE UNDER

PAUL Bella?

DONNA [romantic-ish] Yes, Paul?

PAUL [musing] What would you do if you walked into, say, my bedroom...

DONNA Oh, Paul?

PAUL [not noticing] And crept up to the burly figure tucked up in bed....

DONNA [giggles] Um-hum?

PAUL [still oblivious] and when you got close enough to get a good look, you see--

DONNA [sultry] What would I see, Paul?

PAUL --A wolf in a nightcap?

DONNA What? I mean, you're a bit shaggy around the edges, but--

PAUL Huh? I was thinking of Red. What were ... you...?

DONNA [snappish] Teasing. You're right. Even if she had to get close before noticing, there's too much chance she'll spot the switch. That's quite a risk he took.

PAUL Why are you so flushed? Are you OK?

DONNA Huh? [covering badly] Thrill of the chase. Are we there yet?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA [whispering] I think he's - yep - he's gone. Well, as you might have noticed, my big lug of a partner doesn't seem to know I'm alive - except as a sidekick and a sleuth. I've heard of girls who want to be loved for their minds, but everything from my neck down was getting lonely. So I --- Oops, here he-- [clears throat] When we got to Red's address--

PAUL Did I miss anything?

DONNA Nope! --the windows of the bungalow were dark and a FOR SALE sign sat in the yard.

PAUL What's ... wrong?

DONNA [snap] Nothing.

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS

SOUND OUTDOOR NOISES

PAUL No, really.

DONNA Well, there is one thing... [beat] Why would she sell her house right after her brush with death?

PAUL Bad memories?

DONNA But that would be Gramma's house, wouldn't it?

PAUL So where's Red?

CAPTAIN [off, coming on] She's staying at the Perrault Hilton - makes it easier to avoid the press.

DONNA [all sweetness, not fake] Captain Oftheguard, what are you doing here?

PAUL [growls]

CAPTAIN I could ask you the same thing. What's the deal? This is hardly the most interesting case in town, seeing as we've already got everything handled - one dead killer, one live hero--

PAUL And one red hot media bombshell. Getting any good press lately?

DONNA Ssh! We've been asked to look into a couple things. You know how insurance companies are.

CAPTAIN [warning] Look, this case is wrapped up tighter than a ballgown in a walnut, and the last thing I need is you two poking your noses into it and messing it up. I don't want to see you anywhere near this case, you hear? I've got a glass mountain just waiting for the first one to get in my way.

PAUL Oh yeah?

DONNA Shh. Bruce--

CAPTAIN [softening, but stern] Don't Bruce me, Donna. Why a nice girl like you wants to be a private eye is beyond me. Call me when you want to go legit.

PAUL [growls]

CAPTAIN Take it up with the king, pal.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY

DONNA Why can't you be civil?

PAUL I don't like him. He treats you like you should be locked in a tower.

DONNA Tsch. He just--

BOY BLUE Pardon me, good miss, good sir, have you seen a mangy cur?

PAUL Pfui. Get away.

DONNA No need to--

PAUL I hate patticakes.

DONNA If not for them, who'd do all the scut work? Cartoon mice? Paul, why don't you run along and see if you can talk to Red? I'll catch a cab late - it's Bee night anyway.

PAUL But--?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA I have to explain the patticakes, dear. You'll have plenty of time to get across town.

PAUL [muttering, going off] They come in here, take all the jobs...

DONNA You may have noticed a certain theme to our world. Well, the patticakes hail from a completely different land.

PAUL [off, yelling] They don't even speak good English!

DONNA [sigh] They're stuck in the past, and limited in their abilities, but they do just fine at menial labor, so they get hired under the table by people too cheap or too broke to find someone local. Luckily, when I was a kid, my nanny was an old woman who lived in a shoe, so I knew the lingo.

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS

PAUL [yelling, off] And they do stupid things like jump over candle-sticks--

DONNA [yelling back] It's over!

PAUL [off, not yelling] Oh.

DONNA [sigh] Right. Hmm... [thinking noises] question - no that's a hard one, little boy blue... wait, no... I've got it! [to boy]

I've seen no dog, my boy in blue, but I have something to ask you.

BOY BLUE Lovely Lady, kind and fair I'll answer anything I dare!

DONNA Just a moment. [thinking again, then]

I need to know about Miss Red Or about the wolf that's dead

BOY BLUE The wolf is dead? Oh lackaday! He had me watch his car for pay.

DONNA You mean the wolf came here? What-- oh! [thinking hard, trying to rhyme]

BOY BLUE I see the sinking of the sun My mother worries - I must run!

SOUND FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF

DONNA Damn! But why would Mr. Wolf have come here? If Red knew him--

VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS HER OFF

DONNA What?

PAUL I need to muse. Take a break.

DONNA Are you spying on me?

PAUL [genuinely shocked] No! I wouldn't--

DONNA Good.

PAUL [clears throat] I figured this was as good a time as any to tap my underworld contacts, see if there was any connection between red and the wolf--

DONNA Don't you dare! That's my clue!

PAUL Now who's spying?

DONNA I'll go away, but only if you don't follow my clue.

PAUL [growl] Oh, Done.

DONNA Fine.

PAUL [loudly] Then I decided to tap my underworld contacts to see if the woodcutter had any prior grudge against the wolf--

DONNA [off] That's better!

PAUL And I figured after that, I could swing by ...Captain ...Oftheguard's... office-- [quietly] Donna? [waits] Whew. [chuckles, then fondly] She's a real salamander when she gets started. Look, don't tell her this, [listens again for a second] but, I feel like such a - well, a beast - when I see her and Oftheguard together. He's an old friend of the family - when her father the big time importer had a few bad business breaks, he helped them keep the wolf from the door, and I always figured it was to get close to her, since her sisters are no prize. That's how Donna ended up coming to work for me. Times were tough. [putting a brave face on it] Now that her father's back in the shipping fast lane, I figure it's just a matter of time before she gets bored with keeping company with a roughneck like me and goes back to her high society friends.

PAUL [breaking a little] I don't know how I'll get by without her, but there's no way a gorgeous dame like her could ever be interested in a big hairy brute like yours truly. And what could I say? Every time I try and come up with something romantic, all I think of is "will you marry me?" which is bound to be slapped down. So I make light and pretend I don't see her lovely eyes and shiny red hair... [sigh that's almost a growl]

DONNA I'm back - miss me?

PAUL I, no, I-- [going off] have to meet a guy.

DONNA I'll never understand him. [beat] What? Oh, fine - [sigh] I got to the bee. [beat] Why isn't the music ending? I've arrived. [beat] Tsk. [exasperated sigh] Grand balls may be the obvious social events of high society, but the sewing bees are the true heart of the old dame's network. We get together to spin and weave and sew ... and dish. [calling off] Good enough?

VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY

DONNA [sarcastic] Thanks.

SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR

WINKY [muffled] Come in!

SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS

DONNA Hey, ladies! Winky, nice glasses. Blinky, how's the gout? Nod - What happened to your hunch?

NODDY [sounding like Marty Feldman] What hunch?

DONNA Huh? Nevermind. I brought Pies!

THE LADIES [noises of happy excitement]

WINKY Is this that Pieman friend of yours?

DONNA Might be. [chuckles] Never hurts to have pals in low places. Hey, Tilda's not here? Did she finally finish those shirts for her seven brothers?

BLINKY All but one sleeve, can you believe it? No one ever understand how long these things take.

DONNA I'd'a thought she be here chatting up a storm, just about now.

NODDY She's on her honeymoon, the wench!

PAUL [off, calling] Enough of this Lifetime moment. Can I have the narrative for a while? There's actually something happening over here.

DONNA [loud whisper] Oh, all right, but - where's the--

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS HASTILY

DONNA and PAUL Thank you!

PAUL May I?

DONNA [fondly] Brute. [long sexy sigh, then fading away] Very well.

PAUL [lustful growl, then shakes himself out of it] That woman. Where was I? Right. My best contact, Rumpy - that little weasel - was just coming out of his basement for the night as I rolled up.

VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES

SOUND STREET NOISES, FOOTSTEPS

PAUL Hey Rump. Any straw to gold today?

RUMPY [surprised] Oh! Oh, it's you, Bett. Whadja want?

PAUL Come on old pal! Can't a guy just look you up for old times sake?

RUMPY You know, and I know, we got no old times, me old son. Show me the money. Unless you have, uh, something a bit more round and pink handy?

PAUL No babes today, Rump. You're old enough, you wouldn't know what to do with one if you did get one. Right, then. I want the skinny on the Wolf massacre.

RUMPY Wolf? I don't seem to recall--

SOUND CLINK OF HEAVY COINS

PAUL This refresh your memory?

RUMPY Oh, you mean the Red Riding Hood rescue.

PAUL I want to know more about the wolf, and I heard you two sometimes ended up at the same watering holes. What kind of guy was he?

RUMPY [losing the sly undertones] Truly, I never would have pegged him as a grammavore. Never saw him touch anything harder than lamb kebobs, if you get my drift.

PAUL No steak tartare? No little pigs?

RUMPY Truly, Bett, on my mother's grave. He was a bit secretive the last few days, though, leering and preening and hinting he had a new lady friend. Said something about her being real hot stuff.

PAUL Red hot?

RUMPY [cagey again] Yes... he might have said something like that. But he did say one thing solid, that I almost recall...

SOUND CLINK OF MORE COINS

RUMPY Ah, yes, it all comes back to me. He mentioned how she was, um, a bit experimental, in the... boudoir, so to speak.

PAUL Kinky?

RUMPY To put a bald face on it, yes. He said she liked him to 'dress up'.

VOICEOVER MUSIC

DONNA [after a pause] What, no snappy wrap up?

PAUL Frankly, I'm a little creeped out.

DONNA Oh, all right, let's meet up outside the office.

PAUL Yeah, good.

VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES

AMBIANCE STREET NOISES

SOUND HORSE GOES BY QUICKLY, THEN SUDDENLY HOOFBEATS STOP

DONNA [yelling off] Hey! Just because that thing can fly doesn't mean there isn't a scoop law!

PAUL [very tired] Morning.

DONNA What happened to you? Phew - you smell like an elvish cobbler shop.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEY AMBLE OFF TO WORK

PAUL I was tapping rumpy. [flustered] I mean , I was getting the low-down from my contacts.

DONNA Stiltskin's about as low down as they get...

PAUL You get anything at the Bee?

DONNA Not much. Neither one sees to have run in our circles. Seems Gramma didn't get out much, and Red moves in - well, much FASTER circles...

PAUL I see.

DONNA One thing, though. Rapunzel showed up for a bit - she's legal counsel for the highway board, you know? - and said that SHE'd heard of Gramma‑‑

PRINCE Halt there!

PAUL What? It's too early for--

PRINCE Unhand that fair maiden!

PAUL Who, her?

DONNA What?

PRINCE Don't worry - I am here to save you! Take heart, dear lady!

PAUL Um, fellow--

DONNA [ramping up] What?

PRINCE This foul beast cannot harm you ever again! Rescue is at hand!

PAUL Look out, he's gotta sword!

PRINCE Have at! Hah!

DONNA WHAT!

MUSIC STING

CAPTAIN I am disappointed in you. That poor, poor prince--

PAUL [muttered] He started it.

CAPTAIN Brawling on the street like a couple of - drunken... um... drunkards.

DONNA He must be annoyed, he's dropping his similes.

CAPTAIN Shut up! You'll be lucky if he doesn't press charges! I'm still trying to decide if I should toss you in a dungeon.

DONNA Huh? I didn't even break his nose until he brought up Stockholm Syndrome.

PAUL She was very understated.

DONNA Thank you.

CAPTAIN I don't CARE! I won't have it in my town!

PAUL Look, if it will get him to forgo filing a complaint, tell him he can tell everyone it was me that done him over. Much less embarrassing to the folks back home.

CAPTAIN [sigh, resigned] Fine. Get outta here. I know where to find you.

SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, FOOTSTEPS, THEN STEPS PAUSE

PAUL One thing, Captain - was there an autopsy on Mr. Wolf?

CAPTAIN Autopsy? Why would we do that? It was obvious how he died!

PAUL I was more interested in his stomach contents...

CAPTAIN Besides, after the woodcutter got through with him, there wasn't much cutting left to -- stomach contents?

PAUL Just curious. We'll get out of your way.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS

DONNA Think he'll go for it?

PAUL fifty-fifty.

DONNA Is that a bet?

VOICEOVER MUSIC

PAUL We decided to speak with the only killer we were sure of - even if he was the hero of the day. The woodcutter had been mighty quiet....

END VOICEOVER

DONNA That was short and sweet.

PAUL I'm still hung over.

DONNA This is the place.

SOUND KNOCKING ON A DOOR, PAUSE THEN KNOCKING AGAIN

PAUL Uh-oh.

DONNA What?

PAUL In the window.

DONNA [gasp!] Is he--?

PAUL Well, he could be sleeping. On the floor. In a puddle of blood... Here--[effort]

SOUND DOOR BEING FORCED, HIS FOOTSTEPS

DONNA [off, calling] Anything?

PAUL Nothing obvious.

DONNA [off] Check him for combs and poison apples, but be careful, Paul!

PAUL [quiet] I love it when she worries.

DONNA [off] What?

PAUL Nothing. [grunts as he rolls him over] Aha. Stabbed in the back.

DONNA With what?

PAUL I have an idea... And look at this!

SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS COME ON

DONNA What is--? Why would he have one of those?

PAUL Maybe a souvenir from Gramma's house?

DONNA No - she only had one, and the wolf was wearing it when he died.

PAUL Hmm....

DONNA I'll call Captain Oftheguard--

PAUL No, we'll need him.

DONNA Need him for what?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

PAUL [importantly] The denouement.

DONNA Are we there already?

PAUL Oh, yes. [clears throat] So we rounded up all the unusual suspects -

DONNA There's actually only the one. Red.

PAUL Oh, well, we got Red and Oftheguard to meet us at Gramma's cottage, a one-room, run-down little affair that had definitely seen better days - three or four kings ago.

VOICEOVER MUSIC STOPS

DONNA All present and -- who are you?

RED [VERY SULTRY] That's my attorney Portia.

PORTIA [VERY BRITISH, acknowledging the intro] Most noble lady.

PAUL Portia?

DONNA [whispered] I think she's from across the pond.

PAUL [growls, then mutters] First patticakes, now Shakespeareans - what's next?

DONNA Shh. Denouement, remember?

PAUL Right. [pulls himself together] Daymoo-- [sighs, almost a growl] Denouement.

DONNA Should I start?

RED Well somebody should.

CAPTAIN We're all here.

PAUL Fine. We were hired to investigate the circumstances of a violent death--

RED My Gramma?

PAUL Actually, no. We're talking about the death of Mr. Wolf, at the hands of a woodcutter.

RED But he was protecting little old me. That's not murder!

DONNA Stuff it up your riding hood, Red. Let Paul talk.

PAUL [growls appreciatively] As I was saying, Wolf's wife, loyal to the end, insisted that while he might have been on the prowl, he wasn't a killer. And she was right, wasn't she, Captain?

CAPTAIN He? [grudgingly] Turns out you're right. There was no sign of gramma in the wolf's stomach contents.

DONNA Great!

CAPTAIN [defensive] But there was Gramma - bits - found in his mouth and teeth - so there was no reason for us to look any farther.

PAUL Understandable.

CAPTAIN The guard is always busy, and understaffed.

DONNA We're agreeing with you.

PAUL So the wolf was a patsy. A fall guy.

PORTIA What, like icarus?

DONNA Don't confuse him.

PAUL And once we rule out who seemed to be the murderer, we have to look at motive.

CAPTAIN Which is?

RED Yes, enlighten us - If you think I want to own this run-down little rathole, you're sadly mistaken. It's so old, it might as well have been built out of gingerbread.

DONNA Ah! Well I found out, from a contact in the D-A's office and highway planning board, that there's been a highway supposed to go through this very spot, but it's been held up in the planning stages, since Gramma didn't want to sell.

RED [gasp]

PORTIA Is there something I should know?

SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR

CAPTAIN That will be Officer Sees-Real-Far. [raising voice] come in!

S-R-F We did what you said sir, and--

CAPTAIN [lowering his voice] And?

S-R-F [low] out behind the woodshed sir.

CAPTAIN Very good.

PORTIA In the interest of disclosure, sire--[don't forget her best line - the devil is in the details, milord]

CAPTAIN In a bit. Go on.

DONNA But even if Red had a very good motive - by the way, my contact also said the board bought the land this morning - and for a pretty penny.

RED [petulant] I may be in mourning for my gramma, but business is business.

DONNA Right. We come to the death of the woodcutter. Supposedly an innocent bystander, dragged in to the whole mess out of pure chivalry and civic duty.

PAUL Or was he--?

RED What are you implying? You won't find anyone who saw us together until AFTER the fact.

PORTIA I ought to caution you to remain silent.

RED Why? I have nothing to hide.

PORTIA Yes, I can tell by your dress.

DONNA Back to the subject.

PAUL Funny you should mention dresses, there, mouthpiece. Because the wolf - who also was probably never seen with you, Red, was howling to all his friends about a hot little number‑‑

DONNA --red-hot--

PAUL --who was keeping company with him, and how she was a little kinky.

RED Shut up!

PAUL She liked him to dress up--

RED Tell him I'll sue!

PAUL In an old lady's nightgown.

RED [collapses into tears]

DONNA It started out as part of the plot, didn't it? Just a way to get him into the nightie before he tucked himself up and waited for you?

PAUL But you realized it really got your ball rolling.

DONNA Otherwise, why would we have found this--

SOUND NIGHTGOWN PULLED OUT OF BAG

DONNA In the woodcutter's bedroom?

CAP, RED, POR [GASP!!]

RED I forgot about that...

PAUL Not hard, since just as you didn't actually kill the wolf, you didn't actually kill the woodcutter either.

DONNA [completely surprised] She didn't?

PAUL [pleased with himself] Nope. Captain, I think you already have that killer in custody.

CAPTAIN [baffled] I do?

DONNA Come on! Spill!

PAUL That prince who attacked us on the street, beautiful. While you were --

CAPTAIN Causing a disturbance.

DONNA Defending myself.

PAUL Turning into a whirlwind, I happened to notice his sword had a tiny smear of dried blood on it. It didn't strike me at the time, except that he was pretty careless with his weapon.

DONNA And the woodcutter--?

PAUL When I saw the stab wound in his back, I thought it looked strange - awkward. Sword's aren't made for that, but they'll do. I think you'll find, Captain when you do an autopsy on the poor fellow, that it's the same caliber.

CAPTAIN Swords don't have calibers.

DONNA So it's an Ex-caliber?

PAUL [growls] Size, shape, whatever. Don't nitpick, this is the big payoff!

DONNA So she vamped him into killing the wolf--

PAUL Not too hard, a poor but honest woodcutter, and a tamale like that--

DONNA He must have thought he died and went to heaven.

PAUL And he did, just the other way round.

CAPTAIN So this prince--?

DONNA She must have heard we were onto her.

PAUL And she gave him a sob story and sent him round to take me out.

DONNA Possibly hoping I'd get caught in the crossfire-- um cross sword, um...

PAUL Fray?

DONNA Fray. Yes.

PORTIA But you still have no proof of any of this.

CAPTAIN [chuckles] That's where you're wrong, milady.

PAUL Oh?

CAPTAIN My officer just now? Well, I had some of my boys dig around out back, and guess what they found?

RED Oh No!

PORTIA My client is admitting nothing.

CAPTAIN They found Gramma. Dead. Buried under the woodshed. And I think we're going to find she wasn't killed by wolf, woodcutter or demented prince. Eh, Red?

RED All right! I did it! She was a tiresome senile old biddy who stockpiled newspapers and put food out for the bluebird of happiness! She had no reason to live, let alone to keep me from my dreams!

DONNA Which are?

RED [unconvincing] Oh, you know - fame fortune, marry a prince.

PAUL Really?

RED [admitting] Ok, so my only dream is to kill her and get a bunch of money, is that so wrong?

VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS

DONNA A nice end to another tough case. Mrs. Wolf got her insurance money, and the cubs can go to college--

PAUL Red got her comeuppance, and the prince went into therapy--

DONNA And the money from the sale of gramma's land went to a distant relation living in a pumpkin shell.

PAUL [grumbling] Patticakes.

DONNA And we--

PAUL --we got our fee--

DONNA --and the warm feeling--

PAUL --of helping someone in need.

DONNA Stop! Darn it Paul. I'm tired of this.

PAUL Of what?

DONNA All of this. Fighting over voiceovers, everything.

PAUL You-- you mean?

DONNA Yes.

PAUL Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting it.

DONNA I've just been holding out to be nice.

PAUL [wilting] Of course.

DONNA So, as of tomorrow--

PAUL [growly sigh, very small] Yes?

DONNA I want my own damn voiceover music!

PAUL [immensely cheered] Oh!

CLOSING

OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

An anomaly on an asteroid leads to ... what?

TALK THE TALK

Cast:

Olivia

Lydia Farnsworth

Thomas Farnsworth

Alice White

Judge

Foreman

D.A.

Guard

Phone

Couch

Elevator C

Lighter

Lamp

Sink

Gun

Closet

MUSIC

OLIVIA Why, it's a courtroom, can't you tell? Where else would you find... a murderer?

Scene 1.

LYDIA [condescending, replying to a question] Lydia Farnsworth - Everyone here knows that. ... Yes, yes. ... I killed him. It was self-defense. He was planning to kill me. ... [hesitant, lying] An anonymous phone call. [narrating] Of course I can't say who told me - everyone would think I was utterly insane. When it started, Icouldn't even understand it, much less believe - how could I convince anyone else?

MUSIC

Scene 2.

STING

LYDIA [narrating] I know I am a joke. An older woman, rich and prominent, married to a much younger - well, a youngerman. And I'm not THAT old - 40 isn't really, and everyone says I look more like 35. But he looks 29 - which he is - so ... tongues will wag.

SOUND Tom screams, long, distant and echoey.

LYDIA Oh, that was later. Tom almost never screams.

TOM [screams, but happily] Hey!

SOUND ROULETTE WHEEL.

TOM Didja see that? Boy oh boy, if I could bottle that!

LYDIA [purring] You're a lucky man.

TOM [interested] We-e-ell.... I guess I am. Hey Kitten, wanna help make a rich man poor again?

MUSIC

Scene 3.

UNDER

LYDIA [narrating] It was that moment that I fell for him. He didn't know who I was, but he wanted to give me a treat. I kept it up for a while, pretending to be just another secretary on vacation, not letting on. I felt so guilty, letting him pay for all those dinners, the gifts...

TOM Kitten, this necklace is just aching to be around your neck. Hear it? [silly voice] Hey lady, take me home, I love you....

LYDIA [narrating, suddenly struck by something] Oh. [beat] No, no - never mind.

TOM Don't you know that everything has a voice? Listen to the wind - it calls your name to me, telling me I gotta keep hold of you. Whattaya say, Kitten? Wanna make it permanent?

MUSIC UNDER

LYDIA [narrating, shaken] Yes, he DID say things like that - perhaps that was why... [beat] Tom worked late a lot - particularly after I told him I was - we were - wealthy. It was like he felt he had to make up for something. He never even introduced me to his family - just said he grew up dirt poor. I think he was ... ashamed.

TOM [filter] Sorry, Kitten, but I gotta really burn some oil on this one. You understand, right?

LYDIA Of course. [narrating] What else could I say, it was so sweet of him to worry. To want to make me proud.

Scene 4.

SOUND Candlestick phone hangs up. Footsteps walk away.

PHONE [Male voice, filter] He's cheating on ya.

LYDIA [panicked, slightly distant] What? Who?

PHONE [filter] The husband. Tom. He calls HER all the time when you're out. You want her number?

LYDIA Who is this? Where are you?

PHONE [filter] Right over here, where I always am.

LYDIA [getting more agitated] I don't see anyone! Is this some kind of game?

SOUND Footsteps, hesitant, then dashing about.

PHONE [filter] I wanted to show my appreciation, see, for not throwing me over when the new model came out -

LYDIA What? Where are you?

SOUND Door opens.

LYDIA [muffled slightly] Hello? Where...?

PHONE [filter] No one understands a classic any more.

SOUND Door slams.

LYDIA [sobbing] This is not funny! I don't know who you are, but you can just get out!

PHONE [filter, very close] I'm right here. Look down.

LYDIA [quavering] Wha-a-at? [relieved] Oh, the line must still be open.

SOUND Candlestick phone picked up, taken off the hook, tap of cradle.

LYDIA [loudly] This is not funny, whoever you are. I don't...

SOUND Dial tone - continues in background until stated.

LYDIA What...?

PHONE [filter] I'm not ON your phone, lady. ... I AM your phone.

SOUND Clatter of phone hitting floor, dial tone continues, but distant.

PHONE [filter] Hey! I'm trying to help you here!

LYDIA Nooo!

SOUND Phone is kicked across floor.

SOUND Dial tone stops.

LYDIA [breathing hard]

SOUND hesitant footsteps, continuing.

PHONE [Unintelligible, distant whisper]

LYDIA [whispered] How can you be talking?

PHONE [whispered, wavering] Closer, come closer.

LYDIA I'm... I'm sorry I kicked you.

PHONE [moans, slightly closer]

LYDIA Are you ... all right?

PHONE [whispering] I gotta ... you need to hear this.

SOUND Phone picked up from floor.

LYDIA Yes, I'm listening.

PHONE [shouting] Don't DO that!

SOUND Phone hits floor again.

MUSIC

UNDER

LYDIA [narrating, matter of fact] I felt so bad. But it wasn't hurt. They really built those old phones to last. And what it toldme...!

PHONE Sunset 1-1-9-7. I don't know who she is, but what he says to her - whoo-wee.

Scene 5.

LYDIA [narrating] But how could I tell anyone? My PHONE spoke to me? I told THEM I got an anonymous call. And of course, the phone never used a name, so it wasn't precisely a LIE...

TOM Kitten, I'm home!

LYDIA Oh, yes. Tom. The phone line lothario. [calling away] Darling, was it a good meeting?

TOM The best. [SOUND: KISS] Not better than coming home, though.

LYDIA [neutral] Of course.

TOM Oh, you're not mad, are you kitten? It's important that I do my time at the office, don't you see? Show everyone - show you - that I'm not just a... a...

PHONE Gold digger.

LYDIA What?

TOM You know, a social climber.

PHONE Gi-go-lo.

LYDIA Did you hear that?

TOM What? If it's the Joneses and their idiot record player again...

LYDIA No. It's nothing.

LYDIA [narrating] It wasn't nothing, of course. Soon, other supposedly inanimate objects began to have their little piece to say...

Scene 6.

SOUND water running

SINK [cheery] Almost out of soap! And my drain will clog if you don't stop him from washing down his coffee grounds!

LYDIA Him?

SINK [significant, like a hint] Him.

LYDIA [narrating] After the initial shock wore off, it was so EASY to listen.

SOUND Click of light being turned on.

LAMP [high squeaky voice] On! Better?

LYDIA [startled] What?

LAMP Are you going to read? Knit maybe? HE likes the dark. Especially when she's here.

SOUND Light switched off.

LAMP [voice now low] Off. Yep. Just like that.

LYDIA [narrating] At first I thought I was crazy, but then I realized - if I was crazy, how could I know all the things they were telling me?

SOUND plumping up pillows

COUCH [seedy voice, out the corner of the mouth] I know who she is.

SOUND Plumping stops, Lydiasits on couch.

COUCH Hey, I didn't ask you to sit on me!

LYDIA Oh! Who is she?

COUCH I would recognize her from behind better, if you catch my drift...

LYDIA You mean she actually sat on you - I mean on MY COUCH?

COUCH You don't have to rub it in.

LYDIA [narrating] I had to have it out with her. I COULDN'T just let this - this farce - go on, right under my nose and behind my back!

PHONE Sunset 1-1-9-7? You got it.

SOUND Phone dials.

LYDIA What'll I say?

PHONE I could tell you what HE says...

SOUND Phone picks up.

LYDIA Shut up!

ALICE [filter] Well!

SOUND Slams phone down.

LYDIA This is hopeless. How can I find a person from her phone number?

PHONE All you need is a good story.

COUCH [off mike] I know a couple of good stories...

PHONE & LYDIA Shut UP!

LAMP [high squeaky voice] You tell 'em!

Scene 7.

SOUND Phone is dialed. Picked up.

ALICE [filter] Hello?

LYDIA [brisk, but clearly reading] Telegram for Sunset 1-1-9-7 - May I have your name please?

ALICE [filter] White. Alice White. [concerned] A telegram?

LYDIA Good. Miss White, can you confirm your address, in case we need to forward a copy to your home?

ALICE [filter] What's the message?

LYDIA I have to confirm your address, miss. The message is marked urgent.

ALICE [filter, more worried] 24 Topham drive, floor 6. Now what-?

SOUND phone hangs up.

LYDIA & PHONE collapse into giggles.

COUCH & LAMP laugh too.

SINK [far off mike] What? What's so funny?

MUSIC

Scene 8.

UNDER

LYDIA [narrating] I went. I had to. I needed to see this cuckoo's egg. Alice White. What a name - plebian, that's what I call it. Strictly middle class. AND the elevator was broken in her building.

SOUND Buzzer, door opens.

LYDIA Alice-

ALICE [friendly] -- White. And you?

LYDIA [narrating] She was horrible. Horribly perfect - buttermilk complexion, flaxen hair... She should have been a dairymaid in one of those travel posters for Holland or Sweden - one of those places with dirndls and windmills and tulips.

ALICE Can I help you?

LYDIA [narrating] At least I had my story straight this time - my phone is VERY handy with a lie. [to Alice] I am here seeking donations to the Mid-Town Orphanage. Can you spare anything? [Narrating] From the looks of her - the threadbare, out of fashion dress, the tatty carpet in the hall, she was sure to laugh in my face-

ALICE Oh, gosh... [going away] I'm sure I've got something. Hmm... here! [coming back] Can you maybe use this?

LYDIA [numb] A lighter?

ALICE I think it's real gold, and I don't smoke. I couldn't think what to do with it.

LYDIA Won't... your husband... be annoyed?

ALICE [giggles] Got none. Not yet. It was sort of a present - kind of like for emergency money, but I'd feel bad just selling it or throwing it out, but this sounds like a real good cause.

LYDIA [narrating] I walked away with the gold lighter in my hand - the gold lighter I GAVE him for our honeymoon...

LIGHTER [British accent] I say, don't I know you?

LYDIA [narrating] I waited until we were alone. [to lighter, whispered] How did you get THERE?

LIGHTER [whispering] Oh, this is jolly exciting, just like Scotland Yard...

LYDIA Answer me!

LIGHTER If you must take that tone! Young Thomas gifted me to her. I see almost as much of him here as I ever saw in his flat.

LYDIA MY flat.

LIGHTER Oh, like that is it? Well well well...

MUSIC

Scene 9.

UNDER

LYDIA [narrating] It was all true. And she was so darned NICE I couldn't even hate her. Just HIM. I felt like a character in a bad drama - the cheated wife. So alone... But I wasn't alone, you see. I had all of THEM.

SOUND Door shuts, footsteps.

LYDIA [off mike] Dear? Are you home?

SOUND phone hanging up.

TOM [on mike] You bet, Kitten!

LYDIA Oh, good. I was afraid you'd forgotten--

PHONE You asked me to let you know if anything interesting happened?

LYDIA ...our anniversary?

PHONE He was just talking to ... HER.

TOM Now what kind of a husband would that make me?

PHONE A heel. [admonishing] On your anniversary.

LYDIA [shaky] I need to ... to powder my...

SOUND footsteps running away

TOM Hunh. Women.

PHONE You can say that again.

SOUND door slams.

NEW SCENE_9.5

LYDIA [crying] Oh, Tom!

CLOSET Psst, over here.

LYDIA What? Over where, Who is--?

CLOSET I'm the one with the suits hanging in my rear, whaddaya think?

LYDIA [sighs] Oh. [sniffs]

SOUND footsteps

LYDIA [weakly] Yes?

CLOSET Check the top shelf. [annoyed] On his side!

SOUND door opens. Boxes shift. Something metal is picked up.

LYDIA A gun? When did Tom get a gun?

TOM [off mike, muffled] Kitten, honey? We need to get shuffling. Are you powdered enough yet?

LYDIA [calling] Almost! [whispered] When? Tell me!

CLOSET What am I, a calendar? I don't know dates from donuts.

LYDIA [frustrated noise]

CLOSET But what I DO know is that that piece of hardware wasn't in me until... yesterday.

LYDIA Yesterday?

TOM [muffled, off mike] Kitten? I'm coming in!

LYDIA Don't you dare!

SOUND doorknob rattles, Lydia's running footsteps, door slams shut.

LYDIA I'm - I'm wrapping your present, darling. You've got to give me a moment.

TOM [pleased] Ohhhh. All right, I can wait. I hope it's a lighter - I've only been hinting ever since I lost that great one you gave me before.

SOUND Gun cocks.

LYDIA [muttered] I should give him the same one - see how he laughs at that.

SOUND Footsteps back to closet. Boxes shift.

LYDIA I think it was ... [grunt of effort] about there.

GUN HEY!!! What are you, crazy? Never leave me lying around cocked! I could go off!

MUSIC

Scene 10.

STING

LYDIA [narrating] I thought about it for a long time. About the gun. About what it meant - being in Tom's closet and all. And I wondered if he could possibly be planning what I might think he was planning.... Even if he did intend to kill me, could I do something about it? Get him before he got me? I LOVED Tom. And he'd always been so sweet...

PHONE Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. What you need is gumption, sweetheart.

LYDIA Just because he's cheating doesn't mean he's planning to ... to--

PHONE To buy a gun? Too late. What else do you think he's NOT planning to do?

LYDIA He wouldn't - couldn't - hurt me. Any more than I could hurt him--

SOUND door opens

TOM Oh, hi! [puzzled] Hello? Kitten, who're you talking to?

LYDIA [easily] Just the phone, dear.

SOUND short smooch.

LYDIA [narrating] I was getting rather good at lying. Almost as good as the phone - now, THERE was a champion. I guess it came from hearing all those lies... All the time.

TOM [talking on phone] Bob? Listen, it's me, Tom Farnsworth. Yes, from Farnsworth & Wilson. Now, we need to talk...

PHONE [over Tom, whispered] Funny, Bob's usually a fella's name...

LYDIA [reacts]

PHONE He's getting worse. You need to DO something.

TOM [continues under Phone] Yes, that's right - tomorrow for lunch. ... Dinner instead? I think I can... Let me just check. [to Lydia] Kitten, can you spare me for dinner tomorrow? Big client...

LYDIA [long beat] Of course. Dear. I have someone I really need to talk to anyway. [narrating] The next night, I knew where to find him. Unfortunately, I couldn't take any of my ... friends ... with me - except the lighter, and that accent was getting on my nerves.

LIGHTER I say!

Scene 11.

LYDIA [snorts] But when you're like me, there's always someone around to answer questions...

ELEVATOR ...about five minutes ago? Yeah, I know the guy. He's a regular. Sometimes I even take him up.

LYDIA Are you working today?

ELEVATOR [huffy] Whaddaya mean? I'm always working!

LYDIA But the sign...

ELEVATOR The super puts the sign up to save electricity - cheapskate. Now, if youknow how to run me up...

LYDIA [deflated] I'm not sure...

ELEVATOR Step in, it's pretty much automatic.

SOUND elevator gate slides open

ELEVATOR See the button there....

MUSIC

UNDER

LYDIA It's funny how every THING I ever talked to wanted to be so helpful, when all the people around me weren't. The elevator even gave me a little tip...

ELEVATOR That little knob right there - that's what keeps the door shut when I'm not around. The spring pushes it out - and then, when I come up, it gets pushed in, and voila...! You don't want the door comin' open up here when I'm in the basement, eh?

LYDIA Oh, no.

SOUND DISTANT BELL.

ELEVATOR Whoops! That's me. Would ya' get the door? I gotta go, sweetheart.

LYDIA Oh? Oh, certainly.

SOUND ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES.

LYDIA I crept down the hall, ever so quiet.

SOUND door opens

TOM [off] ...right back - just need - [on mike] Oh. Lydia.

LYDIA [deep breath] You needn't worry. I'm leaving.

SOUND Sharp footsteps

TOM Lydia. Kitten. It's not what you think!

SOUND Tom's footsteps rush to catch up to her.

LYDIA Stay away from me, Tom.

TOM Just stop!

LYDIA [reacts as Tom grabs her] Uh! Let go of me!

SOUND Slight struggle. Lydia's footsteps running.

LYDIA I had only one chance...I ran for the elevator. But the gate wouldn't open! I pushed and pushed--

SOUND Elevator door opens. Lydia's footsteps stop, Tom's footsteps catch up.

TOM Let me--

LYDIA No! Let go! [sound of exertion, pushing him away]

SOUND Tom's footsteps stagger, then...

LYDIA Oh, no! It's NOT--!

TOM [screams as he did at beginning]

LYDIA And that was that. I tried to stop him from going over. At least I think I did, but it WAS my fault.

ALICE [coming on mike, breathless] What...? Where's Tom? You're that lady--

LYDIA Tom? He's MY husband! How dare you--

ALICE [panicking] What have you done to Tom? Where's my brother?

MUSIC

Scene 12.

UNDER

LYDIA [narrating] And that's why I'm here. If he was cheating on me, I would have fought harder. Could have gotten away. But the look on that girl's face... My own sister-in-law.

TOM [screams again]

LYDIA Yes, and poor Tom.

SOUND Gavel hits twice

D.A. Your name please?

LYDIA [condescending] Lydia Farnsworth - Everyone here knows that.

D.A. And you are testifying in your own behalf of your own free will?

LYDIA [testy] Yes, yes.

D.A. You are on trial for the murder of your husband, Tom Farns-

LYDIA I killed him. It was self-defense. I thought he was planning to kill me.

D.A. What led you to think your husband had such designs?

LYDIA [hesitant, lying] An anonymous phone call. [narrating] I suppose I could have admitted everything, made a plea for mercy on the grounds of insanity, but I--

TOM [screams again]

LYDIA [narrating] I simply couldn't get Tom out of my head. I don't know how all these murderers do it, just kill people and walk away.

SOUND Gavel bangs

JUDGE Has the jury reached a verdict?

FOREMAN We find the defendant ... guilty.

LYDIA [resigned] I was relieved, actually. I believed I could face anything, since I would never really be alone. Even the judge's gavel had a kind word. ...Though not the judge.

JUDGE For your heinous crimes, I hereby sentence you to death.

CROWD [Reaction, gasps]

MUSIC

Scene 13.

STING

LYDIA I suppose it was only right - and I really had no reason to go on living, without [SOUND: same scream] Tom. Funny how I look back and see how badly mistaken we all were. It's far too easy to blow things right out of proportion.

SOUND footsteps, cutlery set on plate.

GUARD You done with that?

LYDIA Yes, thank you. It was ... surprisingly tasty.

GUARD It's time, then. Come on.

SOUND jail door opens, footsteps slowly walk.

VOICES [Whispers begin comforting at the start, build.]

LYDIA [whispered] Thank you. Thank you all so much.

GUARD What?

LYDIA Nothing. [narrating] Everything is so encouraging, telling me how brave I am. I'm not brave, really, just ... just tired.

GUARD Stop.

SOUND KEYS JINGLE.

LYDIA Such a relief, really. And then... I'll be with Tom.

SOUND LOCK UNLOCKS.

Scene 14.

WHISPERS [fade out]

LYDIA I didn't notice it immediately. My mind was miles away, thinking about how I would make it up to him - he'd certainly understand, about how it was really an accident and all.

SOUND SQUEAKY DOORKNOB TURNS.

LYDIA But the voices were gone. Even when I closed my eyes and concentrated, there was nothing. It left me feeling ... very ... alone. Oh, well, it wouldn't be for long.

SOUND [DISTANT, OFF MIKE] PHONE RINGS.

GUARD Stay here.

LYDIA What? Of course. I've nowhere to go.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, phone picked up

LYDIA Once I rejoined Tom, everything would be all right. I wouldn't NEED them - my friends - any more. Just him.

GUARD [behind and under Lydia] Yeah? Who?

LYDIA That's why I let it get this far. Fired my lawyer. Made no defense. Admitted everything.

GUARD [behind and under] Uh-huh? Got it.

LYDIA Just to bring me to this moment. And I wasn't afraid - no matter what this room, this horrible room, might have to say, I was ready.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS COME BACK

LYDIA And it wouldn't take long. Not long at all, they say. And then, [happy sigh] Tom.

GUARD Come on.

SOUND KEYS JINGLE

LYDIA Well, it's about time. Isn't everyone waiting?

GUARD [beat] Not any more, lady.

SOUND LOCKING DOOR

LYDIA You're an idiot. Open this door.

GUARD I may be an idiot, but you're a loon. [beat] That was the governor. You've been commuted. Come on back...

LYDIA [gasp, then sharp] Don't talk nonsense. [plaintive, ending in a wail] No! I can't be left all alone! You simply have to kill me!

MUSIC

Written by Julie Hoverson, loosely based on a story by O Henry (The Duplicity of Hargraves)

An actor takes a chance to help out a friend.

Cast List Hargraves - Charles Austin Miller Governor - Dave Marshall Lydia - Dawn Harvey

Music by Enox Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller

What kind of a place is it? Why it's an unfashionable residence hotel on a space station, can't you tell?"

************************************************

Duplicity

[Loosely inspired by the Duplicity of Hargraves by O. Henry]

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Governor Pendleton, elderly man, slightly senile

Lydia, his daughter

Anthony Hargraves, the actor/Mac Bac

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a quaint old boarding hotel on a teensy out of the way unfashionable space platform, of the classic sci fi kind, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1.

AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME

SOUND SCI FI DOORS SHUSHS OPEN

GOVERNOR Anthony! So pleased to see you. Come right in.

ANTHONY Thank you so much for having me, sir.

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES SHUT

GOVERNOR Have a seat. [commanding] Gamma mu? [beat, waiting] Gamma mu? [petulant] Where is that robot?

LYDIA [coming in] Oh, father. I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you. Gamma Mu is in the shop.

GOVERNOR That's preposterous! Back in my day, they built robots to last!

LYDIA Gamma Mu is getting on in years, just as you are father. [choking up a bit] It should be back in working order in a couple of days. I - I think I smell something burning--

SOUND SHE DASHES OUT

GOVERNOR [courtly again] If you will excuse me, Anthony, I shall have to go and fetch the drinks tray myself.

ANTHONY Oh, please, don't bother yourself, Governor! I'm happy to do that.

GOVERNOR You are a guest in my house, young man.

ANTHONY And I am quite used to having to look after myself. [a chuckle] Besides, I'm sure Lydia has everything ready - it won't take any effort on my part at all.

GOVERNOR She's a good girl. Too bad she never married.

ANTHONY [agreeing, but not encouraging] Yes.

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT

LYDIA [crying quietly in the background]

ANTHONY Lydia?

LYDIA [gasp, then trying to get over the crying jag, sniffling, wiping her face, etc. A couple of breaths, then an attempt to be cheery] Over here.

SOUND HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS.

SOUND SHE PUTS GLASSES ON A TRY

ANTHONY What's wrong?

LYDIA [brittle, pretending cheer] Oh, Mr. Hargraves. What makes you think something's wrong?

ANTHONY Lydia. If there's one thing any actor worth his salt learns before anything else, it's how to tell when someone is lying.

LYDIA [sniffle, almost loses it] It's - it's not your problem.

ANTHONY Will you let me help? Is it something about Gamma Mu? I mean, I know you've had that robot for years--

LYDIA [sudden rush of admission] I pawned it.

ANTHONY What?

LYDIA It's not broken. And it's not coming back. [heavy sigh] We needed the money.

ANTHONY But your father's estates--

LYDIA Venus is in a recession. And the incomes simply can't keep up with the cost of living. Space station habitats are so expensive.

ANTHONY You could-- go back to a surface home?

LYDIA Hah. No place will have father, even now. We're just lucky that HERE, in a place so [distasteful] mercenary, no one cares about what he did any more. Hmph. If they ever did.

ANTHONY He was never prosecuted.

LYDIA He didn't do anything worse than any other territorial governor. He was ... made an example of. And, being father, he refused to unbend and let some PR firm mend his reputation. He truly believes he was, and always has been, in the right.

ANTHONY [gentle] The Venusians see it differently.

LYDIA [bitter] Oh, yes, take their side.

ANTHONY I'm not! I just... once you've played both the good and the bad enough times, you start to see things from everyone's side. You simply can't help yourself.

SOUND RATTLE OF GLASSES ON TRAY

LYDIA [controlled again] Here. Father will be wondering where you got to.

ANTHONY [cajoling] Lydia--

LYDIA [dismissing him] Mr. Hargraves.

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT

LYDIA [heavy sigh]

SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN IMMEDIATELY

ANTHONY [rushing back in, hushed] How much?

LYDIA What?

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

ANTHONY [normal volume] How much did you get for Gamma Mu?

LYDIA [rueful laugh] Turns out the old Mu line are classics. Collectible. They gave me 200 credits. Would have been more, but I refused to sell it outright. [little sigh] Yet.

ANTHONY You have hope of getting some money before the time is up?

LYDIA Hope is what we live on. ...and memories.

ANTHONY Hmm. [making a decision] Right.

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN AGAIN

GOVERNOR Where's Lydia?

ANTHONY She - uh- wanted to freshen up.

GOVERNOR [chuckles indulgently] "Put herself back together" as she says. As often as she needs to do that, you'd think the girl was as badly in need of replacement parts as our poor servo robot.

ANTHONY [laughs]

GOVERNOR More likely she just wants to leave you on your own to put up with my storytelling.

ANTHONY Sir, I -

GOVERNOR No, no. Until we made your acquaintance, young man, there was no one to tell my stories to but my poor dear Lydia, and saint that she is, she put up with it.

ANTHONY [oh, come on] Sir!

GOVERNOR That girl should have married, and left the nest, 20 years ago. [sadly, drifting into memory] But after all that happened--

ANTHONY Why don't you make us your famous Venusian aperitifs, sir?

GOVERNOR [brought back with a tiny gasp] Ah? [befuddled] Oh, yes. I was about to do that, wasn't I?

ANTHONY No one makes them like you do, sir.

GOVERNOR Of course not! I invented the drink. Everyone nowadays makes these with an extract of Venusian basil - or god forbid synthetic - But I must have the real thing or nothing. [musing again] Lydia somehow always manages to have a pinch or two ready for me, no matter the cost.

ANTHONY She is very concerned about your comfort. Shows a great deal of character.

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN

GOVERNOR What is it you actors say? "As if on cue?" [chuckles indulgently]

ANTHONY [chuckles]

GOVERNOR My dear, will you join us?

LYDIA I already have a drink of my own, but I might stay and keep you gentlemen company -- for a little while.

ANTHONY Certainly!

GOVERNOR Capital. I shall make us just the two, then.

ANTHONY As many times as you've treated me to these, I should definitely reciprocate.

GOVERNOR Nonsense.

ANTHONY Or at least bring you some of the basil?

GOVERNOR No, no. Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation. Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce.

ANTHONY I see.

LYDIA [changing the subject] You said you had a new show going up soon, Anthony?

ANTHONY Oh, yes.

LYDIA [teasing a little] And what are you playing this week?

ANTHONY Guess. [cuts them off with a sharp intake of breath] But I will warn you it has more than four limbs.

LYDIA [laughs] You and your alien roles. Is it just the one extra, like the Venusians, or the full complement of a Martian?

ANTHONY Actually, this time I'm from Pluto.

GOVERNOR Plutonians? But they never come this close to the sun!

ANTHONY Artistic license. The story is a murder mystery set at a diplomatic event near the asteroid belt.

GOVERNOR [amused] What will they come up with next?

LYDIA I can understand why you have to double for a plutonian, but why not get real Martians to play Martians and real Venusians to play Venusians?

ANTHONY Martians don't like being too close to humans, say we smell too unpleasant. For moving pictures, you can still shoot scenes in pieces and clip them together, but in stage work it doesn't go at all.

LYDIA And all the extra body mass?

ANTHONY Elementary rotoscoping replacement on film, Padding and exoskeleton on stage. Simple servo mechanical movements. And of course the voice changer.

GOVERNOR [half asleep] Wonder of wonders.

ANTHONY And most people have only seen them - either Venusians or martians - on screen.

LYDIA But isn't that expensive?

ANTHONY Well, if all else fails, if there's just the one extra arm, you stick it in a sling and pretend it is broken.

LYDIA [laughs for real]

GOVERNOR [splutters a bit, waking, then] That is just what I like to hear, my dear.

ANTHONY The problem with using real Venusians in any kind of show - well, their artistic culture is one of unfettered improvisation and sudden impulse - they haven't really adjusted to the concept of scripted material. [realizing he's getting into potentially bad territory] They've ... only dealt with a written language... for a very short time.

GOVERNOR [sigh, then regretful] That was one of the reasons for such a debate about accepting them as a truly sentient and evolved species.

ANTHONY [eager] Yes?

GOVERNOR Having some form of recordation of history and science - we don't include fiction as being necessary for sentience, you understand?

ANTHONY [joking] A lot of people don't.

GOVERNOR [slight indulgent chuckle] You see, as they had no recording system that we could fathom, it was hard to be entirely certain that they weren't simply bright, imitative animals.

ANTHONY Which was why you were put in charge of the planet.

GOVERNOR I ran a tight ship, and made that planet [sigh, reminiscing fondly] one of the most profitable in the entire solar system.

MUSIC

SCENE 2.

AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME

GOVERNOR [querulous] Where's young Anthony got to? Haven't seen him in weeks.

LYDIA [amused] He's been filming again, papa. And he's not precisely "young". He's my age.

GOVERNOR Yes, I have been meaning to talk to you about that. You could do worse than that young fellow.

LYDIA Papa!

GOVERNOR Actor or not, he's a fine young man. Knows how to treat his elders properly. Shows respect. [i] Like him.

LYDIA Father, I am hardly young either, I--

GOVERNOR Should have married and left the nest a donkey's years back. Precisely.

LYDIA I can't leave you alone, papa. [trying to be funny, but starting to sound teary] At least not until they fix the robot.

GOVERNOR [gently] You mean at least not until I have gone on to a better place, don't you?

LYDIA [almost crying] Papa!

GOVERNOR I am old, my child, and I realize that there will come an end. Not today, or tomorrow, but I don't want to see you spending your time in regrets because you clung to this sinking spar when you could have been taken off in a lifeboat.

[Silence]

LYDIA [trying to change the subject] I'm sure... Anthony will come back and visit again soon.

GOVERNOR [befuddled now] What was it you said he was doing?

LYDIA [relieved] Filming, papa. He said he'd be gone for a month while they made a movie.

GOVERNOR Will we be able to see it?

LYDIA If it broadcasts on one of the stations we can receive.

GOVERNOR [grumbling] Used to be more channels. I swear I recall-

LYDIA Yes papa! There were, but most of them have become so ... violent and unpleasant. I canceled them.

GOVERNOR You are such a sensitive young lady.

LYDIA [deep sigh, melancholy] Yes.

MUSIC

SCENE 3.

AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME

SOUND CLEANING, WASH BUCKET

SOUND SPACE AGE DOORBELL

LYDIA Huh?

SOUND FEET, INTERCOM

LYDIA Who is it?

ANTHONY [on intercom] Me! I mean Mr. Hargraves. I just got back and have a copy of my new film. I thought I might bring it over and show it to you - you both.

LYDIA You can't come in now! Neither of us is ... prepared to see company. You know how papa insists on being in full governor regalia to entertain!

ANTHONY Gosh, I'm sorry! I only wanted to surprise you.

LYDIA Surprise us again in an hour, if you please.

ANTHONY [laughing] Anything to oblige a lady!

SOUND INTERCOM OFF.

LYDIA Oh, goodness. How will I ever get the cleaning finished?

SOUND HURRIES AWAY

LYDIA [off slightly] Papa? You might wish to prepare yourself for company!

MUSIC

SCENE 4.

AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME

SOUND TV TURNS ON, TUBE WARMS UP

GOVERNOR [querulous] What was this movie about?

ANTHONY [eager] You'll just have to see. I think you'll like it.

SOUND MUSIC CHANGES

GOVERNOR Oh, my. The old place.

ANTHONY They found some cracking stock footage.

GOVERNOR Can you make it a bit bigger? My eyes aren't what they once were.

ANTHONY [really proud] Absolutely sir. I want you to be able to see this!

ANNOUNCER Many people think they know about the early days of the Venus colony, but all they really know is the rumors.

GOVERNOR [a bit annoyed] What?

LYDIA Oh, no.

ANTHONY Shh-shh! This is the good part!

ANTHONY [on screen, sounding exactly like the Governor] Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation. Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce.

GOVERNOR [low growl] What have you done?

ANTHONY [completely surprised] Sir?

ANTHONY [on screen] I invented this drink, you know.

GOVERNOR Get out!

ANTHONY You don't understand! All I wanted to do was show the reality under all the terrible stories that people bandied about - show the humanity!

GOVERNOR Get OUT!

LYDIA You had better go.

ANTHONY At least let me reward you for the help you gave me - even though you didn't know you were doing it.

GOVERNOR Are you insinuating you will pay me for this impersonation? For stealing my -my - entire ---[splutters]

LYDIA Shh! Shh! Father. [a little frantic] Mr. Hargraves, you are no longer welcome in this house. Leave!

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN

SOUND HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS

GOVERNOR [off slightly] For this LAMPOON!

ANTHONY [wince noise] [quiet] Lydia?

LYDIA Don't!

ANTHONY I thought this would be a way to help you. Both of you.

LYDIA [quietly furious] Help? By driving papa into a veritable fit? Go!

MUSIC

SCENE 5.

AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME

GOVERNOR [sounding weaker] Lydia?

LYDIA [worried] Yes, Papa?

GOVERNOR Lydia? Hasn't young Anthony visited?

LYDIA No, papa. [lying] He - he's been away for the last week, filming.

GOVERNOR Again? Did we see his last film?

LYDIA Yes, papa. It was very nice.

GOVERNOR Good, good. He's a nice young man. You could do worse.

LYDIA I know, papa.

SOUND DOORBELL

GOVERNOR Who's there?

LYDIA I'll go and see.

GOVERNOR Are we expecting someone? Is that why I'm in my uniform?

LYDIA [whispered aside] I just thought it might make you feel better. [up] We weren't expecting anyone so early.

SOUND INTERCOM ON

LYDIA Hello?

MAC BAC [alien voice] Greetings. Is this the living place of Previous Governor Pendleton?

LYDIA [panicky] Oh! what now?

SOUND PUSHES BUTTON

LYDIA [Striving to keep calm] This - um - yes - this is the place you are looking for.

MAC BAC Is the Previous Governor available? I would like to speak with him.

LYDIA He's not feeling well today--

GOVERNOR [more perky sounding] Lydia? Is that a Venusian voice. How interesting! Let's see what the green fellow has to say for himself, eh?

LYDIA [sigh] Yes papa.

SOUND INTERCOM ON

LYDIA Please come in.

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN

SOUND WEIRD NOISE OF STRANGE MOVEMENT AS IT ENTERS.

GOVERNOR [grunt as he gets up]

LYDIA Papa! You don't have to--!

GOVERNOR Nonsense. It is only common courtesy to meet a guest on your feet. [up] Greetings. May I ask what occasions this visit? You are very far from your home world.

MAC BAC Many years have passed, previous governor. And yet you have not changed so much. Do you not recall Mac Bac? This one was an aide in the mansion.

LYDIA [surprised] Oh!

GOVERNOR My stars! Yes! Oh, Mac Bac. [delighted] I never thought to see anyone from those days again. Why don't you-- [falters]

LYDIA [hurriedly picks up] Would you like a bench to accommodate your form?

MAC BAC This one would be most grateful.

GOVERNOR Would you be a dear and bring us some refreshment, Lydia?

LYDIA Certainly.

SOUND BUSTLES OUT

GOVERNOR Now that we are alone, what is it that brought you here?

MAC BAC This one has come to repay a debt, previous governor.

GOVERNOR A debt? I cannot think of anything--

MAC BAC When your office made your departure, you gifted Mac Bac with a number of items.

GOVERNOR Oh, yes.... I seem to remember...

MAC BAC Among those was a vehicle, given as you could not transport it off planet.

GOVERNOR Yes! Now I recall. I apologize for my forgetfulness, but it has been a very long time.

MAC BAC This visit is to repay that gift.

GOVERNOR Repay?

MAC BAC The previous governor said at the time that if a gift was unacceptable, the vehicle could be considered a loan to be repaid at a later date. Many years have passed, for the previous governor's location is not easily uncovered.

GOVERNOR [truly touched] And you came all this way to pay me for my old hovercar?

MAC BAC The vehicle became the center of a profitable business, transporting visiting dignitaries. After some years, more vehicles, more transporting. Mac Bac has become very comfortable, as you say, and it came upon this one a desire to travel. Travel without purpose is enjoyable, but achieving a goal is more so.

GOVERNOR [slightly condescending] You have come a long way to pay back such a slight debt. The car couldn't have been worth more than a hundred credits.

MAC BAC Considered as a loan, or even an investment in the business of Mac Bac, this hundred credits has grown like a precocious fern monkey over the past many years.

LYDIA How much?

GOVERNOR Do not be crude, dear. Never mind the amount, it is the thought that is important. Whatever you feel is necessary to pay, Mac Bac, will be more than enough.

MAC BAC This one has had the tabulations done, and this is the amount which is correct.

SOUND METAL SET DOWN

LYDIA [gasp]

GOVERNOR B-but Mac Bac--

MAC BAC One Thousand credits.

GOVERNOR But surely you--

MAC BAC Mac Bac does not take charity. This one must even all debts before end of life comes, or debts will follow to next world.

GOVERNOR Oh. Yes. We are all getting a bit old, are we not?

LYDIA Father!

GOVERNOR Lydia, why don't you go and do something for yourself and leave us old fellows to talk. I'm quite certain that we shall bore you to tears with our stuffy old stories. Eh, Mac Bac?

MAC BAC Indeed. Old times become very close when one approaches the fading of the light.

MUSIC

SCENE 6.

AMB HUSHED CROWD

SOUND QUICK WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, SHUSH OF DOOR

LYDIA [crying]

SOUND DOOR SHUSHES SHUT

LYDIA Oh, father what will I-- [cuts off with a gasp]

ANTHONY Lydia! I'm so sorry I'm late. I didn't hear until Wednesday, and I couldn't get transport.

LYDIA You're here? Even after father drove you out?

ANTHONY I can't begrudge him his pride. I just hope that he might have forgiven me, at the end.

LYDIA I think-- I'm sure he forgot the entire incident.

ANTHONY [sad realization] Forgot. Yes.

LYDIA He would have forgiven you, though! Father was never a vindictive man.

ANTHONY You, at least, know I never meant the play as any kind of insult.

LYDIA I - I guess. I never got to see more than that opening. He was so furious.

ANTHONY But you - you will forgive me, won't you? I would be mortified if we couldn't get past this.

LYDIA I... [small self-deprecating laugh] I can't stay mad at you. And I certainly don't have so many friends that I can throw one away over such a ... trifle.

ANTHONY Good.

LYDIA And... and from the little I did see-- [trails off]

ANTHONY Yes?

LYDIA [uncomfortable, blushing] Oh, just that you did a very good - you did the acting very well.

ANTHONY [warm] I'm glad you didn't hate it.

LYDIA Of course I didn't! Don't tease so!

ANTHONY I promise. [beat, changing subject] Well. At least he had some good days, there at the end. [prompting] And you look like things are going a little better. Was that Gamma mu I saw, standing by the casket?

LYDIA [pleased but sad] Yes. We were very lucky. Father came into some unexpected money.

ANTHONY [way too pleased] I know.

LYDIA What? How did you hear?

ANTHONY [eager] You really didn't know?

LYDIA [horrified realization] You - you paid that Venusian!

ANTHONY [barely contained excitement] Oh, you really underestimate me, Lydia. Didn't you believe me when I said I do very well in alien roles?

CLOSING

The Demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda. [sequel to Force Majeure]

Cast List Beelzebud - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Jesse - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Infernique - Julia Carter Willial - Mark Olson Benedict - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Closky - Florida Possum Fat guy - Dave Fontenot Manager - Scott Spaulding

Cameo appearance from Super Haunted Stories!

Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson Cover art includes: clear crystal / red crystal

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a modern family home, can't you tell?"

**********************************************

Caveat Emptor

Cast:

Beelzebud

Rena

Matilda

Jesse

Infernique

Willial

Benedict

Mrs. Closky

Fat guy

Manager

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a family home, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SOUND ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF, IS SLAPPED DOWN

JESSE [waking up] maaaargh.

SOUND PATTING BED

JESSE Huh? [thick] Babe? [clears throat] Babe? [considering noise] Hmmm.

SOUND BLANKET FLAPS

JESSE What the hell time...? What? [yelling petulantly] Cassie? Who reset the alarm?

SOUND STUMBLES INTO OTHER ROOM

JESSE Cassie? Where's the laptop? Shit! We've been robbed!

SOUND RUSHING AROUND

SOUND DOORBELL

JESSE Where's the phone? Gotta call police.

SOUND DOORBELL

JESSE Who the hell?

SOUND DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN

JESSE This is not a good time.

BUD It's the only time you got, pal.

JESSE I just got robbed.

BUD No, you just got dumped. Read the note on the fridge.

JESSE What?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS, OUTSIDE WITH BUD

BUD [WHISTLES SOMETHING]

SOUND DOOR JERKS OPEN AGAIN

JESSE [freaking out] Are you a friend of Cassie's? Do you know where she went?

BUD Not my area. I just dropped by to give you a bit of a head's up.

JESSE Uh-what?

BUD I know you're feeling pretty low. Wife walked out, took the kid, and you don't know why--

JESSE We have a good life!

BUD Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you moping around the house all day--

JESSE I got laid off.

BUD Leaving all the housework for the little woman, so that when she gets home from her full day--

JESSE I have to spend my time looking for work--

BUD A lot of work in World of Warcraft, is there? Or are you considering a career in porn?

JESSE None of your business! Besides...they're the only things that make me less depressed--

BUD Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all. So today is your lucky day - kinda.

JESSE Kinda?

BUD [dragged out, savoring] Ye-a-aah.

MUSIC

MATILDA It's $200. That's like three tanks of gas.

RENA [disgusted sigh] I hate this work.

MATILDA One hour plus drive time. Just think of it as gathering intel.

RENA I'll think of it as whine tasting.

SOUND PICKS UP KEYS, DOOR OPENS

MATILDA Have fun!

MUSIC

SOUND DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN

RENA You called?

JESSE Oh, yeah, this guy - he gave me your card.

RENA And?

JESSE And?

RENA I didn't come all this way to stand on your porch, unpaid.

MATILDA [mic] Confirmed.

JESSE Oh, ah. Come in.

SOUND UNCHAINS, OPENS DOOR

JESSE Yeah, um, it's kind of a mess. You want a beer or something?

RENA 57 minutes.

JESSE What?

RENA Of your hour. We confirmed your paypal transaction.

JESSE Oh, right. My wife – she left me.

RENA When?

JESSE Oh, just this morning.

RENA [disbelieving] Hmph.

JESSE She's not much of a housekeeper.

RENA I can smell that.

JESSE That doesn't mean I don't want her back!

SOUND POUNDING ON THE DOOR

JESSE [angry sigh] Just a sec.

RENA Take your time.

MATILDA [mic] Cut the poor guy some slack.

SOUND OPENS DOOR

MRS. CLOSKY How dare you!

JESSE How dare I, what?

MRS. CLOSKY Bring a hooker into your house while your wife's away?

MATILDA [mic] [laughing hysterically]

RENA [low] Not funny.

MATILDA [mic] I told you the black leather was wrong for the neighborhood!

RENA Tough is tough.

JESSE She's not--

MRS. CLOSKY I know just what kind of woman has the bleached blonde hair and the motorcycle.

JESSE But Cassie--

MRS. CLOSKY That poor woman gave you two beautiful children, so any weight she's gained, well that's just as much your fault, isn't it?

MATILDA [mic] [fresh peals of laughter]

RENA I'm gonna turn you off.

JESSE But Mrs. Closky!

MRS. CLOSKY You're just like my sonofabitch husband, and I just wish I had had someone like me to speak up on my behalf back when he--

SOUND DOOR SHUTS, cutting her off

JESSE [sigh] Shit.

RENA Sum up quick. I'm already bored.

JESSE My wife left me this morning. I want to find out where she went.

RENA Did you call her parents?

JESSE Her mother won't answer.

RENA Did you call her friends?

JESSE They're all on her side.

RENA Did you check her emails?

JESSE I didn't think of that.

RENA What have you done?

JESSE I ... called you.

RENA You understand that first $200 is only for this hour, the one we're currently wasting.

JESSE Not for the entire job?

RENA Not unless I find her in the next 47 minutes.

JESSE [hopeful] Do you think you can?

RENA What's her email address?

MUSIC

SOUND OUTSIDE, WALKING, LEATHER CREAKING

MATILDA [mic] She already emailed back. Says he's been a shit since he got laid off. Says she told him she was going to do this, weeks ago, and he didn't even pay attention.

RENA Hmph. Makes me want to run out and find one of my own.

MATILDA [mic] [laughs]

WILLY Uh, hello?

RENA Not in a million years.

WILLY I was just looking for a - ah! There's the address.

SOUND HE HUSTLES OFF

RENA Must be a friend of his--

MRS. CLOSKY [off, calling] You!

RENA Oh hell.

MRS. CLOSKY You, woman!

MATILDA [mic] Uh-oh.

RENA [sigh] What?

MRS. CLOSKY How much do you charge?

MATILDA [mic] Tell her you don't do lemon parties.

RENA I don't-- [starts over] I am a bounty hunter.

MRS. CLOSKY Oh! Well, that's a disappointment.

RENA That I'm not a prostitute?

MRS. CLOSKY I have a nephew. Unmarried. He could use a little cheering up. And his birthday's coming!

MATILDA [mic] [teasing] We are a bit short on cash.

RENA I - I have to go. Now.

SOUND MOTORCYCLE REVS

MUSIC

AMB MATILDA'S DEN

SOUND DOOR SHUTS (OFF)

SOUND RENA ENTERS

MATILDA [calling] So, how was the nephew?

RENA [muffled] Funny.

SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR

RENA There wasn't any - oh.

MATILDA What?

RENA Who pops up out of nowhere on a regular basis?

SOUND OPENS DOOR

BUD Hiya doll! [louder] Dolls!

RENA [to M] You okay with having him in?

MATILDA Yeah, I guess.

BUD Make a guy feel wanted, why dontcha?

MATILDA We forgot to vacuum!

RENA We're antisocial.

BUD And here I thought it was just me.

RENA You forgot to vacuum too?

MATILDA Get over here, where I can see you!

SOUND WALKING

RENA Matilda. Bud.

SOUND SHE FLOPS INTO CHAIR

MATILDA You do look like Steve Buscemi.

BUD I'm gonna take that as a compliment. You don't got no more places to sit?

RENA One butt, one chair. Part of the recluse mystique.

MATILDA There's a stool around somewhere...

BUD eh. I can stand. Don't plan to be here that long. See, I gotta problem.

MATILDA Another one?

RENA We get $200 for the first hour.

BUD Here.

SOUND SLAPS DOWN MONEY

BUD You know, I never woulda mistaken you for a prostitute.

RENA Good to know.

BUD Dominatrix, maybe.

RENA [losing it] It's motorcycle gear! Not some kind of leather teddy and thigh high boots--

MATILDA [taunting] With stiletto heels?

RENA Not helping! And those things'll break your ankles. [breath, recomposed] Clock starts now. What's your problem?

BUD You girls are a hoot. You should take it on the road.

MATILDA No thanks.

RENA Tick...tock.

BUD Fine. [sigh] You'd think the life of a demon like me would be a piece of cake.

MATILDA From what you've said, you seem to have it all down to a system.

BUD Yeah, well any well oiled machine can go Pfft - if you stick in the wrong cog.

RENA What have you been sticking in your cogs?

BUD [snicker] It's Infernique.

MATILDA Sounds like a perfume.

BUD The demon chick you fixed me up with.

RENA Nuh-uh. No fixing. Just tricked her into giving in and going out with you. Once. Whatever happened after - not my fault.

MATILDA Well, maybe just a little.

BUD She's convinced she gotta class me up.

RENA Class? You?

BUD You don't need to make it sounds like such a joke, babe.

MATILDA I wondered about the suit. Seemed awfully--

RENA Tasteful?

MATILDA Restrained. I mean, the descriptions - you have such ... flair! [undertone] help me out here.

RENA No.

BUD Yeah, yeah, so I like the classics. This sharkskin still got its own kind of flash, but she's killing me with the pastels. [confidential] You know they come from the pit of despair?

MATILDA Pastels?

BUD Yeah. Not a pretty story. [up a bit] Anyway, I'm not so good at saying "no" to her, and she's been trying to get me to trade up. Better department. Better class of victim.

MATILDA What will the comedians do without you?

BUD Yeah, that's what I say, but there's always someone willing to take most any place, but my place is one of those ain't no one gonna fight over, see?

RENA Nope.

BUD This guy, Jesse - I gave him your card this morning - ring a bell?

RENA The douche who didn't realize his wife was about to walk?

BUD Yeah, well - that's what Infernique wants me for my new clientele.

MATILDA The recently abandoned? The thoughtless husbands?

RENA The douches? Plenty of them. You can have 'em.

BUD Yeah, but she's got me sneaking around behind the back of Willy, the guy whose job it is now, undermining his numbers. Trying to make him look bad. Getting the douches to not sign.

MATILDA All's fair in love and hell?

BUD I dunno - I ain't liking this.

RENA Talking people out of selling their souls? How abominable.

BUD Nah, it's the backstabbing. Willy's - well not "good people" maybe, but he ain't a bad guy. Kind of a plodder. No inspiration. But he's got a sweet berth and he's ...competent.

MATILDA You'll really miss the comedians, won't you?

BUD [sighing admission] Yeah.

RENA Easy. Tell her you don't want to change.

BUD Why don't you just point me at a good doctor, then, for when she rips me a new asshole.

RENA Guess you're screwed.

MATILDA Waitaminute. Look. the way I see it, you have two choices here. You can go ahead and be perfect, toe the line, do what she wants and be with her until she finds someone more ambitious--

RENA Won't be hard.

MATILDA Shush. Or you find a way to slack off and subtly let her know that you aren't going to turn into a silk purse any time soon, and let her dump you.

RENA Talk to that guy from this morning. I'm sure he can give you some pointers.

MATILDA The big question is, is she worth it?

BUD You know... You said a mouthful right there. I think some deep pondering is in order. Thanx!

RENA You still have a few minutes left.

BUD Ehh - Keep it! All us classy types tip!

MUSIC

RENA [snoring]

SOUND PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED

RENA [groggy] Hello? [a bit better] Hello?

SOUND STRANGE BUZZ ON THE LINE

RENA Shit.

SOUND HANGS UP

SOUND GRABBING CLOTHES, GUN

SOUND EASES OPEN DOOR

RENA [deliberately calms her breathing to listen]

SOUND MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY FROM MATILDA'S ROOM

RENA [whispered] Shit.

SOUND QUICK DASH SHUTS MAT's DOOR, MUSIC'S MUFFLED

RENA [calming her breathing again]

SOUND CREAK, ACROSS ROOM

RENA [catch in her breathing, then careful]

SOUND ANOTHER CREAK, ACROSS THE ROOM

SOUND RENA CAREFULLY TAKES THE REMOTE

SOUND CLICK, TV COMES ON, ACROSS ROOM

BENEDICT [gasp]

SOUND QUICK SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT

RENA [now behind him] You're gonna want to drop that.

SOUND CLICK OF HER GUN CoCKED

BENEDICT You don't know what you're doing.

SOUND CLICK - TV OFF

RENA I'm the one with the gun. And the remote. Whatever you got in your hand, drop it.

SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR.

SOUND MAT'S DOOR FLUNG OPEN

MATILDA Hold it right there!

RENA [up] Got 'im. [to him] Hands behind your back.

BENEDICT [annoyed] Really?

RENA Really.

MATILDA Sorry I took so long. Couldn't find the night vision goggles.

BENEDICT [sigh] Fine.

SOUND HANDCUFFS ON

BENEDICT IS this really necessary?

RENA You're the one who broke in.

MATILDA I'll get the lights.

RENA Goggles off.

MATILDA I know!

SOUND GOGGLES OFF, LIGHT SWITCH

MATILDA Ooh! He's smoking hot! Can we keep him?

BENEDICT Let me explain.

RENA Not much chance of that. Mat, 9-1-1, okay?

MATILDA [playing it up] New where did I leave the phone?

BENEDICT [blurted out] Where are you keeping the demon?

RENA [surprised snort]

MATILDA [giggles] Wow, dramatic much?

RENA There's a doghouse out back…

MATILDA [fresh peal of laughter]

BENEDICT This is no joke, lady. Harboring a demonic fugitive is very serious.

RENA [growling now] "A" – harboring? Not a chance. "B" - fugitive?

BENEDICT Beelzebud, lower echelon romalpa class signatory demon. He stands accused of contractual misconduct.

RENA Let me guess – that's bad.

BENEDICT It's a termination-class penalty.

MATILDA Oh, shit!

RENA Tell us more.

BENEDICT No.

MATILDA Oh, come on. You hunt demons. Do you make a good living at that?

BENEDICT [bursts out laughing]

RENA Guess that's a no.

BENEDICT It's a calling, not a job.

RENA So... you're a demon too.

BENEDICT I'm not telling you anything.

RENA You broke into our house. Convince us that we shouldn't call the real-life police.

BENEDICT I wasn't going to do anything to you - just put this crystal somewhere--

RENA This thing?

BENEDICT Yeah. It's a--[shuts up]

MATILDA Might as well finish the sentence. [beat] How about strip guesses?

BENEDICT What?

RENA If she guesses and she's wrong, you lose a piece of clothing.

BENEDICT Are you insane?

RENA We don't get a lot of hot male visitors.

MATILDA And you woke us up in the middle of the damn night. Is it a tracking device?

BENEDICT No.

MATILDA Camo coat.

BENEDICT Can't take it off over the handcuffs.

MATILDA Oh, bummer. Pants, then.

BENEDICT [panicking a little] It's a simple listening device - like a mystic "bug" Ok?

RENA Guess he wins. Sorry Mat.

MUSIC

AMB COMEDY CLUB [HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE]

FAT GUY [punchline to a joke] Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.

SOUND SCATTERED LAUGHTER, NOT MUCH

FAT GUY and... Good night!

SOUND RUNS IN

MANAGER That could have been better.

FAT GUY [grumpy] Open mike, read it and weep.

BUD Psst.

FAT GUY What do you want?

BUD I like what you did up there.

FAT GUY [knowing] I know who you are.

BUD You... do?

FAT GUY Yeah, I was warned there's a guy going around with bogus contracts. Screw off.

BUD I don't know nothing from bogus. I'm as legit as they come--

FAT GUY [squealing] You want me to call the cops? Jeez!

SOUND STOMPS OFF

BUD [muttering, furious] Bogus contracts, eh?

SOUND HE GOES OUT INTO ALLEY. DOOR SHUTS

BUD [furious - cussing in latin] Mater tua caligas gerit!

RENA You kiss someone's mother with that mouth?

BUD [affable again] You know latin, doll?

RENA [shrug] I know cussing.

BUD [chuckles]

RENA Matilda wanted me to warn you. Someone's on your tail.

SOUND MOTORCYCLE REVS, OFF

RENA And... He probably followed me here.

BUD [not real disturbed] Yikes.

RENA I thought I left you in handcuffs.

BENEDICT Your sister took pity on me.

MATILDA [mic] He's not such a bad guy.

BUD All right occifier. I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

RENA Don't joke.

BENEDICT You might step out of the way, ma'am.

RENA [to Bud] You need some help?

BUD Why?

RENA I don't know. I just thought I'd ask.

BUD I'm touched. Oddly. [beat] Nope. It ain't gonna be pleasant, but ain't nothing to be done about that. See you soon, doll.

SOUND COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, WEIRD WHOOSHING NOISE

MATILDA [mic] Well... I'll miss him.

RENA Yeah. [sigh, beat] Donuts?

SOUND SHE WALKS BACK TO MOTORCYCLE

SOUND PHONE RINGS

RENA Hmm?

SOUND BEEP

RENA [wondering] Who the hell?

SOUND TURNS ON

RENA What?

JESSE [phone] Are you doing anything at all?

MATILDA [mic] Who's that?

RENA Found her. Job done.

JESSE [phone] She's not back!

RENA Yeah. Sucks. She's still pissed off.

MATILDA [mic] Oh, him. What does he expect, that you'll ride in with his wife over your shoulder, kicking and screaming?

RENA I'm not draggin her home by her hair.

JESSE [phone] Then what are you doing?

RENA I told her to email you a list of demands. Have you checked your email?

JESSE [phone] I can't! The bitch cut off my internet!

RENA [sotto voce] Boo-hoo. [up] Hold on. I'm transferring him to you, Matilda. I am not playing phone relay for—

SOUND HUGE SPOOOKY WHOOOSHY SOUND

SOUND BODY FLUNG INTO WALL

RENA Ungh!

SOUND PHONE SKITTERS AWAY

SOUND THINGS GO WEIRD AND HOLLOW

MATILDA [mic] [fading into odd tunnel] Rena? Rena!!!! Rena!!!!

MUSIC

AMB MATILDA'S LAIR

MATILDA [panicking] Rena? [deep shaky breath] Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Maybe it's the cell tower. Maybe it's-- Maybe its demons. Oh shit.

INFERNIQUE Shit is right!

MATILDA [almost a scream] Who the fuck are you?

INFERNIQUE Where is my BUD? [spooky] What have you done with him?

MATILDA [trying hard to stay calm, but kind of losing] Bud? I don't know! We-we didn't do anything! [almost a scream] Where's my sister?

INFERNIQUE That's what I want to know! When I tried to triangulate on her, I got NOTHING.

MATILDA Triangulate?

INFERNIQUE Anyone who deals with us has a sort of trace on them ...evermore. Until they pass beyond. Is she dead?

MATILDA [whine] Nooo?

INFERNIQUE If she isn't then she's passed out of this realm. She never said she could DO that!

MATILDA I'm just going to faint now. I hope you don't mind...

RENA [on speaker, weak] Mat?

MATILDA [gasp]

INFERNIQUE What?

MATILDA [thinking hard] I-I can't find a good place to fall down.

INFERNIQUE She's on your headset?

MATILDA She was, just for a moment.

INFERNIQUE [satisfied] hah. There. Yes. She must be in the outer fringe. Guess we won't be seeing her again.

MATILDA [sobbing gasp]

MUSIC

AMB ECHOEY DUNGEON

BUD Babe?

RENA [waking] What? Oh, crap. Am I dead? Cuz having to listen to you forever is kind of like my vision of hell.

BUD Yeah, she's okay.

RENA [weak] Matilda?

BUD Back home where she belongs.

RENA [sigh of relief] Not hell, then.

SOUND CHAINS

RENA What's with the—

SOUND CHAINS

RENA Shit.

BUD Yeah, that. I guess I-uh kinda underestimated Willy-boy.

RENA Is that that demon hunter?

BUD [snort of laughter] Oh, him. Nah. That was all part of Willy's plan to get me off his case.

RENA oh. The demon you were undermining.

BUD Bingo! I love a bright dame.

RENA And now he's got us both chained up in a dungeon? Great.

WILLY [demonic sounding] Just what I was thinking! Muhahahahahahaha [evil laugh]

RENA [undertone, to herself] Be vewwy vewwy quiet. [up] Wow. This is a swell party.

WILLY You're only here because I'm curious what would make a mortal... collaborate with such a filthy maggot as Beelzebud.

RENA You make it sound a lot more fun than it is.

BUD Hey, hey! Willy, old boy--

WILLY [demon] You will call me Willial [will-LIE-ul]! [back normal] Don't think I don't know what you've been up to, behind my back, Beelzebud!

BUD ahhh. A few short circuits. It's all in fun. Plus you got me back, but good - setting a popper on me.

RENA [half a snort] Popper?

BUD The hunter - [offhand] you know, you led him to me.

RENA Yeah. Sorry bout that.

WILLY I'm surprised to see you still up and around, Bud.

BUD Believe it or not, I'm clean.

RENA It's not like he just up and decided he wanted your crappy job, Willy.

BUD [quiet] I really prefer my own crappy job.

WILLY You should have kept your hands off my beeswax, then!

RENA Oy vay. [quiet, to Bud] Can this guy actually do anything? To me, I mean?

BUD [evasive] Not legitimately.

RENA [up] Then maybe you'll back the fuck out of my face, elmer fudd, and let me go.

BUD On the other hand he's already more or less kidmapped you, so who knows what else he's willing to do.

RENA Shit.

BUD Yeah, like anything a stupid mortal chick says is going to piss Willial off more than I already have. Hah!

WILLY [suspicious] You're up to something.

RENA Nah, just mouthing off. [whisper] Keep him talking.

BUD So, Willy - Ooh! [snide] You kidnapped a human, what's the next step? Custodial interference? Stealing candy from a baby?

WILLY I-I'm not sure. I mean, I haven't decided yet what all to do with you. For now, I'll let you stew.

SOUND DOOR SLAMS

RENA [sigh] Nice try.

BUD [not quite lying] Try?

RENA Yeah, whatever.

BUD [beat] If we had cards, I play a mean Canasta.

RENA Takes two decks.

SOUND TAPPING FINGERS, WAITING

SOUND DISTANT COMMOTION

BUD Finally. Beez. Thought they'd never get here.

RENA [surprised] You were expecting someone?

BUD Waitaminute, you were? Oh, boy - this could be a serious case of overkill....

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

RENA You ain't just whistling dixie.

BENEDICT [breathing hard from exertion] Ok, this is not what I was expecting.

RENA You got something for chains?

BUD Uh, we might wanna wait--

RENA [suspicious] Why?

INFERNIQUE [distant demony scream] Beelzebud!

BUD Yeah. That.

RENA Demon hunter - you, guy.

BENDICT Benedict.

RENA Right, like Shakespeare. I'm bad with names.

BENDICT Let me get those chains--

RENA Quick! What's the penalty for illegal imprisonment of a human?

INFERNIQUE [a little closer] Where is he?

BUD It ain't much. He didn't hurt you or nothing.

RENA Well?

BENEDICT Something like a hundred years of hemorrhoids. I don't actually sentence--

RENA Wanna stick him with something worse?

BUD [speculative] I like where this is going.

BENEDICT I ...don't.

MUSIC

INFERNIQUE [roaring up] What did you do with him?

WILLY You are in my domain, succubus!

INFERNIQUE Insults? How dare you!

BUD [off, pathetic] Ohhhhhh....

INFERNIQUE Out of my way!

WILLY [surprised] What the hell?

BUD [off, weak] Is that you, baby snakes?

SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN

WILLY [bewildred] But I didn't--

INFERNIQUE [incensed] Chained?

BUD Oh, babe. I'm so glad to see you. Willy there whupped my fanny, but good.

WILLY I-I--

RENA I think the popper is concussed.

INFERNIQUE [amazed] Popper?

WILLY [an octave higher] Popper?

BUD You're gonna get us out of these, aren't you sweetie?

RENA Wake up, dude!

SOUND GENTLE SLAPPING TO TRY AND ROUSE HIM

INFERNIQUE [speculative] You... chained a popper?

WILLY I-I- He-- they--

INFERNIQUE Just nod your head, handsome.

RENA [quiet] I'm hunting wabbits.

BENEDICT [smothered snort of laughter]

BUD Come on babe, leave Willy alone. Get me out of here.

INFERNIQUE That's Willial, you little weasel. [laughs contemptuously] I think it's about time to trade up.

WILLY I- uh- I- uh--

INFERNIQUE [very hot] There's nothing sexier than a tongue-tied demon.

RENA [trying to sound upset but not getting it] After all Bud has done for you!

BUD [grovelling] You can't just leave us here!

INFERNIQUE Willy will let you go when he's good and ready, won't you?

WILLY [frantic] Uh, Beelzebud?

BUD Fine! Keep your job! Take my woman! You have everything! [big mock sob]

SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT

MUSIC

SOUND MATILDA'S DEN

SOUND WHOOSH OF ARRIVAL

BENEDICT I honestly don't know which of you was worse, back there.

RENA Emoting is not in my skill set.

BUD Tell me about it.

MATILDA You're back!

RENA Yeah, it's all okay.

MATILDA I thought--

RENA [strangely gentle] You know I always promised if I die I'd come right back and haunt you.

MATILDA [sob of relief]

BENEDICT Can we--?

RENA Fuck off, will you guys?

BUD I got this.

SOUND WHOOSH

MATILDA I was [hiccupy sob] I was so--

RENA I'm here. You're not alone. Maybe I should get that Benedict guy back - he owes us a pair of pants.

MATILDA [laughs and cries]

SOUND PHONE RINGS

RENA Voice mail?

MATILDA [much calmer] Voice mail. Yeah.

JESSE [on voice mail] What did you do to my wife? All of a sudden she's laying down the law and saying she won't put up with me unless I toe the line! Man! She's even talking about us writing up some kind of contract! Are you even listening?

SOUND BEEP

END

A man from the future who brought many advances with him, relocating the knowledge of his world in the face of an invasion.