Most massage parlors you come across will be reputable establishments. There are a few, however, that provide those little extras such as the "happy ending". To keep yourself out of harm's way here are some red flags to look for: a lady with a nurse's uniform on who comes running across the parking lot at a strip mall to flag you down, a stripper pole in the middle of the room, or a tube of KY next to the bottle of massage oil.

It's ok to love some inanimate objects. Lots of people love their cars, their purse collection or even their favorite dildo. It only crosses the line when you actually marry the Eifel Tower, have public sex with a carnival ride or inappropriately caress a piece of fence post in your family room in front of your mother.

One universal truth stands the test of time for Gays and Lesbians all over the world. The one thing that can put a smile on our faces no matter how angry we are is to hear the Gay anthem "We Are Family" from Sister Sledge. Go to iTunes right now, download the track and then play it at top volume from every speaker in your house. Make sure the windows are open and that you're singing along.

It's a guinea pig's wet dream. Living next door to 24 hot girls who all come into heat at the same time. It doesn't really leave a guy a lot of choice, but to take care of business and then sleep for the next two days. Next time you think about getting a pet try Sea Monkeys instead.

Back in the day it used to be easy to share naked photos of your friends. All you needed was a cheap camera and a friend at the drugstore who would develop the pictures for you. Now all you have to do is snap it on your cell phone and text it off to all your friends. The only difference is that now you can get arrested and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life.

It only takes one time for you to tune into late night TV with the plethora of infomercials for countless products you've never heard of before to turn you into a believer. All of a sudden your skin can be clearer, your tomatoes will grow even larger, you'll build muscles you didn't even know you had...and you'll be able to shit out every toxin that ever inhabited your body. You've been warned.  Listen at your own risk.

Even if you travel all over the world you'll notice that there are certain signs that we all intuitively know and that transcend language. We all know the blue sign with a traiangular shaped woman that signifies the ladies room or a red hexagon sign that means "stop". Then why is it that more people don't recognize the universal message you're sending out when you put on a pair of headphones when someone sits next to you and seems like they want to talk?

Karma has an interesting way of making things right in the world.  What's worse is that when you're married, your mate may even have to pay for your evil deeds. It's gonna be a real bitch when you get the payback for that porn collection you stole from your friends when you were younger.

Once again...Craig's List proves that there really is someone for everyone. If you're looking for that perfect girl...the one that let's you treat her like shit, the one who lets you spend all her money, the one that likes it when you leave beer cans and take-out food all over the house until it rots...you'd better hurry up and answer that personals ad. She probably already has a line around the block waiting to take her out on a date.

The conservatives were right when they said that if we let Gay people get married, the next thing we'll want to do is have sex with our dogs and maybe even marry them. Now we have to take our dog, Lulu, to a therapist so that she can use the stuffed therapeutic dog toy to show the doctor where she's been touched.