If you’ve got a child who seems to be misbehaving more than usual, it’s time to pause and reflect on what might be driving your misbehaving child. When your child seems to be acting out all of a sudden, you might have a Stressed, Anxious, or Discouraged (“SAD”) child.

These complex emotions are common to all of us. Consider the stressed (and likely hungry) disciples who wanted to give up and retreat because they only had 5 loaves and 2 fish to feed 5,000 people. Anxious Moses, who defiantly refused to lead the Israelites. Discouraged Peter, who told Jesus He was wrong about His imminent suffering and death.

Being “SAD” doesn’t excuse misbehavior. Whether you’re 3, 33, or 93, when any of us are stressed, anxious, or discouraged, our sinful nature is more likely to show its face. When parenting is stressful and discouraging, that’s when we are more likely to be harsh and controlling. And in those difficult situations, how often do we say a vulnerable, honest statement like, “I’m feeling stressed right now and need a little extra support today.”

Understanding what might be under the surface of your child’s behavior makes it easier to empathize and guide your child toward wiser choices. You can be a person of peace in the midst of chaos. You can understand your misbehaving child.

So, what’s going on in kids’ brains when they struggle with outbursts of whining and demanding behavior? Let’s unpack the issues we touched on.

Why do kids misbehave?

It helps to remember that kids generally don’t misbehave to make your life miserable! There are a variety of reasons a child might be acting out with strong emotions. Kids could be:

* Stressed by external circumstances. Life is simply too much. This might be overwhelmed by schoolwork (including possible learning or attention challenges), a packed schedule, an overwhelming mess to clean up, the complexity of getting out of the house in the morning, etc.

* Anxious due to sensory issues (their body feels uncomfortable and their sensory environment feels aversive) or fear about what’s happening in the world. Rejection or even bullying from peers. A sensitive temperament that feels things deeply and picks up on the anxiety of others. Also, gifted kids are generally anxious, with brains buzzing with learning and ideas.

* Discouraged because of feelings of failure, inferiority, or sibling conflict. Problem child identity. A mismatch between their skills and the demands of the task.

In addition to these difficult elements, the fight/flight system is alive and well in youngsters, and it can spark big reactions to stressful, anxiety-producing, or discouraging situations that feel threatening. But, a child’s frontal lobe is very much under construction until their third decade of life, making it less available to regulate and guide a child toward wise responses to these perceived threats.

Another contributing factor in your child’s struggles could be