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11 December 2020 Call-In

Stefan,

I had written previously asking about how to save my marriage. My cowardice to speak with you was the main reason I haven't been on. I've been a listener since the beginning of 2019.

From the beginning, I have behaved very poorly, immaturely, and irresponsibly with my husband. I have been needy and insecure. There are many things which I regret doing, some that I regretted before I even did them. Specifically, I badgered and cajoled my husband about being an "open" couple until he relented. Then, I went on dates with men I didn't like, couldn't trust, and who were wholly repugnant. Intellectually, I knew these things were wrong, but somehow managed to justify it to myself. And he'd said yes! Under duress of course.

I then "tricked" my husband into having our son, and I believe he secretly despises me for this. I ignored his preferences and only heard what I wanted to hear. As a backstory, when we got together almost 10 years ago, we were both on the same page about kids; we both never wanted them. Basically, I changed my mind and he didn't. I was ready to end our relationship unless he said he would have a child with me. Which, he did, but with some resentment about my "blackmail".

I am so happy as a mother. It's so much better than anything I could have dreamed of. Yet I feel so much shame and guilt in relation to my husband. Like our son is just my own guilty pleasure at his expense. Indeed, it is only because of my husband's hard work that I'm able to stay home with our son, and we even plan on homeschooling. Everything I've done was in self interest without pausing to consider the needs of my husband. I only needed that guarantee of commitment and resources, and I didn't care how he felt about it or what he wanted. I want to live up to philosophical ideals and virtues, but I have failed so miserably at my life, my marriage, and my son's life, that I don't know if true ideals are attainable anymore.

I wonder if my husband can ever be happy with me, after everything that I have done to undermine him... I have brought up these things and apologized, and he says it's all water under the bridge. We've talked about how he's glad that we did have a son. Looking back, he said that he would have regretted not having a child. But to me, these are after the fact condolences, yet again serving my needs to be reassured. I know that strong feelings still swirl around these issues.

I fear that I've eroded and damaged his trust in me to a point that it's unrecoverable. All I have done throughout our relationship is manipulate, blackmail, or "do whatever works" to get what I want.

I don't know what to do to make it up to him. You are better at prevention than cure. I didn't know about your show back then, and in my defense, search engines do not show your resources. I am so sorry to bring this dumpster fire of a mess to you now.