The Dangers of Comparison

Comparison is something we have all found ourselves doing from time to time, especially in a social media world. With just a few clicks you are bombarded with the absolute best of everyone’s seemingly perfect lives. We see “perfect” marriages, jobs, kids, spouses, and vacations, and it is easy to compare our lives to the lives of others and feel like we don’t add up in some way.

On this episode, we will break down the dangers of comparison and the problems it can bring to your marriage.

The Problems with Comparison

There are several problems with comparison let’s start with the fact that it is not an accurate measurement. I love what Dave Barringer has to say about it.

 

Comparison takes our deficiencies and measures them against someone else’s highlight reel.

~ Dave Barringer author of The Danger of Comparison in Marriage

 

There is no way you can accurately compare yourself to someone or someone’s marriage because you can not and will not ever see the whole picture of what is going on. 

Another issue with comparison is it does not factor in our uniqueness. God created us and our spouses with special gifts and abilities… on purpose. He wants us to be original not a remix of someone else He made. 

The Dangers of Comparison 

God created each of us with a specific race to run. He gave us the gifts and abilities that we need to finish our race strong. The same is true with our spouses. When we come together as husband and wife we become one. We become the only couple just like us, and that is a beautiful thing.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us Hebrews 12:1

The danger comes because comparison does not travel alone. Comparison likes to bring his 3 friends to the party.

Discontentment

When we measure our “real” marriage against the picture-perfect marriage of others it is easy to believe that we fall short. We then start viewing everything about our marriage through the lens of discontentment. 

Resentment

Once discontentment sets in resentment is soon to follow. We resent our spouses for not being like the perfect spouses we see all around us. We start making passive-aggressive comments, or straight-out blunt comments about how we wish they were like so and so. 

Deception

Finally, if this discontentment and resentment are not taken care of people reach out to others. We start lying about who with are with or who we are talking to. Situations like this are how affairs and divorces happen. 

In our next podcast, we are going to talk about ways to stop comparing ourselves and our marriages to others.

 

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

6 Ways We Keep Our Love Alive

Being married and being happily married are two very different things. There are tons of couples out there who have not gotten a divorce, and may never intend to, but their love died a long time ago. You can see it in their faces and hear it in their words. The passion is gone. They are married but their love has been snuffed out by the demands of life. Love that was once alive and thriving is now seemingly dead. So, on this episode we want to share some ways that Alex and I intentional keep our love alive, in hopes, that you can create your own list and not become the couple I described at the beginning of this episode.

Investing in Your Marriage

Investing in your marriage does not have to be expensive or time-consuming, but it does need to be consistent. Regardless of the way you chose to invest in your marriage it needs to happen on a regular basis.

Alex’s Three Ways to Keep Love Alive

Pulling each other to the Father Putting God at the center of your marriage is crucial for a healthy and thriving relationship. 

Communication Communication is vitally important to a marriage. 

Nudity Sex is one of the ways you get to experience intimacy in your marriage. By sharing your body with your spouse regularly you keep that intimacy alive in your relationship.

Tara’s Three Ways to Keep Love Alive

Friendship Alex and I are best friends. We truly love spending time together and just hanging out.

Over-Communication We mentioned communication above, and I honestly can’t overstate how important communication is to a marriage. 

We Prioritize Each Other With the exception of Jesus, we are number one in each others lives. This means if one of us need each other, everything else gets put on pause. We don’t disregard our responsibilities, but we prioritize our best yes in those moments- which is each other.

Now It’s Your Turn

We challenge you to do the same thing we did. Go to your spouse and ask them this question.

“What three things do we do that have kept our love alive?”

If your marriage is in a hard season you could ask?

What three things should we start doing to revive our love?”

Give each other some time to process through the list, and then come back and share your answers with each other. Through this exercise you will learn what is working or what would work. You will find out what is important to your spouse. Then you get to go

Your love can be alive and thriving or it can be revived and start to grow again. It just takes some intentionally and consistently.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

On our last podcast, we talked about Boundaries in Marriage. We broke down several definitions of boundaries and concluded that when used in a healthy way, boundaries can be beneficial to a marriage in multiple ways and in multiple areas.

However, boundaries can be difficult in marriage for multiple reason. Join us on this episode as we share how to set boundaries in two easy steps.

Biblical Order

Have you ever heard of Biblical order? There is a high possibility that this may be new to you because this is not taught a lot. Biblical order basically sets the order of importance and priority we should show to the relationships in our lives. According to the Biblically model this is how we should prioritize our lives- God, spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world.

Some people have issues with the order of this list, but we assure you two things.

First, this is Biblical based, and you can find scripture to back this up.

Secondly, if you get your relationships in this order of importance by establishing boundaries to protect it, you will find an abundance you didn’t think would be possible. Everyone you come in contact with should get the same version of you, but not everyone desires the same depth of you, and that includes close relationships.

Getting your life in spiritual order and then establishing boundaries to maintain that order will help you to be good to everyone but save your depth for those the important people and situations in your life.

Setting Healthy Boundaries Step 1: Discuss the “What” and the “Why”

To begin with, you and your spouse will have to sit down and have a conversation about the “what and why”. What boundaries do we want set? Why we think they need to be set?

This is an especially critical step in the process. Whether you struggle with boundaries or not, it’s easier to work together as a team if you know the “why” behind something.

I know that is definitely true for us. Alex and I both do better if we know the why behind something.

So let's look at some examples with the list we shared in out previous podcast.

• In-Laws and other Family Members 

• What? We will not discuss our arguments with our family members?

• Why? Because being objective is hard for family members and they may not forgive or forget.

• Communication 

• What? We will not name-call or be demeaning to one another, especially during heated conversations.

• Why? Because we want to maintain a level of respect and honor in our relationship regardless of the situation.

• Money 

• What? We will discuss all purchases over X amount prior to making them.

• Why? Because we both need to be on the same page as far as finances are concerned.

• Friends and Work Relationship 

• What? Because we spend a great deal of time with these people these relationships will be extremely transparent to our spouses. They can see any and all communication that is made after hours.

• Why? Because affairs don’t start by accident, protecting our marriage is our top priority not work.

• Personal 

• What? At least once a month we will do something that brings life to us as an individual.

• Why? Maintaining close relationships or making time for hobbies is important.

• Intimacy 

• What? We will stay faithful and only have an intimate relationship with each other.

• Why? Our marriage is a covenant, and our vows should be honored.

Step 2: Don’t Apologize to Anyone for these Boundaries.

Once you and your spouse are on the same page. Don’t negotiate, compromise for, or apologize for anyone. There will be people both in your family and in your friend group that do not understand why you and your spouse have these boundaries in place. They don’t have too! They don’t have to understand or agree.

If the boundaries are agreed upon between you and your spouse and it is helping your marriage that’s all that matters.

Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

Boundaries in Marriage

Hello friends and welcome to the latest episode of the A  Beautiful Adventure Marriage Podcast. So in this episode, we are talking about “boundaries”. Which can be a pretty hard topic to talk about with people because some people love them, some people hate them, while others just don't really care.   

Boundaries in marriage can be difficult because typically someone who loves boundaries will marry someone who doesn’t. Proving the old saying, “opposites attract” is true.

So, in order to help you and your marriage, and possibly prevent issues from causing conflict with your spouse, let’s start by finding out what boundaries really are and see if we can correct any misconceptions.

What are Bondaries?

If you look up the word “boundary” you will find that it is defined as a line that marks the limit of an area. There are lines that are set and marked well so others will not cross them. 

Although that is a great definition of boundaries, as I was researching for this episode, I found a lot of good definitions for this controversial word. I wanted to share a few of them here.

A boundary in a marriage is the limit of what a person is willing to accept from their partner. Boundaries serve as an outward expression of a person’s core values, beliefs, and reflects what they need to feel safe, respected, and loved.

~April Eldemire

A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.

~Henry Cloud

You can even find boundaries in God's Word.

 Adonai is my portion and my cup. You cast my lot. My boundary lines fall in pleasant places —surely my heritage is beautiful. Psalm 16:5-6

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries are especially necessary in a marriage. For a marriage to be healthy there are several areas where healthy boundaries can be put into place. Because like April Eldemire said above boundaries define what your limits are, what your core beliefs are, and what you need to feel safe and secure.

A few areas where you may want to consider boundaries are-

• In-Laws and other Family Members (Genesis 2:24)- the Bible tells us to “leave and cleave” and that means our spouse and marriage needs to come first. That includes any family relationship. Can you still honor and spend time with your family? Of course, but they need to be in a proper and healthy position in your life.

• Communication (Ephesians 4:29)- There needs to be boundaries in the way you talk to and about your spouse, whether that be in an argument or normal conversation. We have “Battle Boundaries” in place in our marriage, but we also have boundaries set up for everyday conversations. You can find how we set up the “Battle Boundaries,” by reading our blog, “Rules of Engagement Marriage Edition“.

• Money (Hebrews 13:5) – money is the number one source of conflict in a marriage. Setting boundaries can put you and your spouse on the same page with your finances which can bring a great deal of peace into your relationship.

• Friends and Work Relationship (Proverbs 4:23)- There are some people that we will spend a lot of time with, without our spouse being present. Boundaries should be in place there to protect your heart and your most important relationship.

• Personal (Psalm 139:14) – Although we are one in marriage, we can still be unique. It’s easy to want to change things about your spouse so boundaries can be put into place to safeguard that from happening.

• Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)-Sex and intimacy is a vital part of any marriage. It is important to have conversations about this aspect of marriage and set boundaries that work for both husband and wife.

On our next podcast, we are going to break down the areas in marriage where boundaries can be set and show you ways to get them set up and implemented. So if this is an area that needs improvement in your marriage don’t miss our next episode dropping on the 19th! 

https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/boundaries-in-marriage/

Spiritual intimacy is so important in a marriage, and one of the ways you can develop spiritual intimacy and make it strong is by praying together. Although we are firm believers in prayer, we also get that prayer is not always easy, even in a relationship where both of you pray individually.  It will be something you will have to intentionally work at, but the benefits of it will be worth the work.

Recent studies have shown that while 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 78 percent of second marriages end in divorce, less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily end their marriages.

This study shows that by simply praying together on a regular basis you can virtually divorce-proof your marriage. We have attended a marriage class earlier this year. The teacher shared this same statistic but added that if you hold hands with your spouse while praying it lowers that 1% divorce rate even more.

With this new information about the importance and power of prayer, we wanted to share 3 tips that help us to divorce-proof our own marriage by getting our prayer time established and maintained.

Three Tips to Established Prayer in Your Marriage

Tip #1- Push Through the Awkward

Take Away #1 – Even if it feels awkward at first, keep at it. The more you pray together the more comfortable you will become.

Tip #2- Find a Rhythm that Works for You Away #2 – Find the best rhythm for you and your spouse. Don’t give up if the first few attempts don’t work. Try need places and times until you find what works best for you. Tip #3- Be Intentional 

Take Away #3 – Being super intentional in the beginning will help you form a habit that happens every day.

Bonus Tip: Give Yourself and Your Spouse Grace and Never Give Up

https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/prayer-and-your-marriage/

 

Spiritual Intimacy

When it comes to marriage you hear the word, intimacy, a lot. Although our minds tend to only think about physical intimacy between a husband and a wife, there is another area in which we can become intimate with each other. Spiritual intimacy is something that is not talked about a lot, but it’s something that can take your marriage to a level you never dreamed possible.

Spiritual intimacy is the act of revealing your deepest core values, passions, and beliefs with your spouse and allowing them to do the same.

There are countless studies that show the importance of this kind of intimacy and connection, but in very basic terms, spiritual intimacy is the glue that will bond you and your spouse together in the good times when things are going well and especially in the bad times that try to take you down.

Ways to Develop Your Spiritual Intimacy in Your Marriage

A few months before we went on Sabbatical, Tara started reading the book “A Time to Advance” by Chuck Pierce. It’s all about the Jewish calendar, the twelve tribes of Israel, and the early church. It kept referencing another book by Robert Heidler called, “The Messianic Churching Arising,” which is on the same topic.

As we learned about the early church and the Jewish calendar, Alex and I committed to structuring our lives more closely to the Lord’s design, and in the process grew closer together spiritually. Here’s what we have started doing.

Weekly Sabbaths

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Exodus 20:8

Saturday Morning Reading

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16-17

We use the Tree of Life Bible App. It gives you weekly readings that allow you to read the entire Bible through.  

Daily Prayer Time

Do not be anxious about anything—but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Intentional and Strategic Giving

Let each one give as he has decided in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion—for God loves a cheerful giver.

2 Corinthians 9:7

 

Find Your Own Rhythm

Spiritual intimacy takes time to build but it’s worth the time you invest in it. You may not be able to do all the things all at once. Tara and I started small and built up as we went. We are still adding and adjusting things to make it unique and life-giving to our marriage. We encourage you to do the same.

If you have any questions about the resources we linked or more detail on how we walk this out, please send us a message on our website or any of our social media sites. We would love to share this journey with you.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

 

Travel Tips from the Payne’s Tip 1: Research the Area

The first step on any adventure is picking your destination. Once you have done that the real work (and fun) begins. It is time to research the area to see what it has to offer. Alex is fantastic at this. We have traveled all over the lower 48. We always pack in as much as we can during our vacation time. The reason we are able to do so much is because Alex researches the area and knows where to find the things we wanted to see.

Tip 2: Set Non-Negotiables

Like I said above, we are not always able to hit every single thing we want to see and do, because of that, we have learned to set non-negotiables. These are things that take priority. They have to happen. 

Now disclaimer- you have to fully and clearly communicate the non-negotiables- don’t just assume your spouse knows.

And this is something you can do as a family, but it is also something that you can do if you travel with friends. Everyone can be apart of setting the non-negotiables. You can also do this for the same trips as well.

Tip 3: Do something JUST BECAUSE

A plan is great, but don’t forget to do something just because you want to. Maybe a random thought pops in your head while you are on vacation. Go for it. Sometimes the best memories come from a random thought or coming up on something you did not know was there.

The JUST BECAUSE moments are great and make for some really good stories.

Tip 4: Take Some Friends with You

Alex and I have vacationed alone and we have vacationed with friends! We enjoy both and encourage you to do both as well. 

Our only really encouragement here is to be very selective about who you travel with. It can be the difference between a beautiful adventure or a complete disaster. You want to make sure that you travel with like minded people or it will be hard to have an enjoyable time.

Tip 5: Be Prepared for Detours

Just like in life, sometimes you have to take a detour on vacations. We cannot always anticipate everything that can knock us off course. During those moments of detours, we need to either prepared or have the tools to help us manage the detour. 

Tip 6: Invite the Father Along

Before we leave on a trip we always pray the same prayer.

“Abba, meet us there. Show us wild and beautiful things and speak to us in ways that only we will understand.”

It’s such a short little prayer but we have experienced SO MUCH because of it. When you invite God into anything He comes and brings awesome things with Him. 

 

What Works for Travel Works for Marriage

These are just a few things Alex and I do to ensure that we will have a great vacation. The great news is- what works for travel works for marriage. You can take these travel tips, apply them to your relationship, and in time your marriage can be the most beautiful adventure you have ever been on.

Travel Tips from the Payne's - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

Summer is officially here. Although this is a great time to spend with your family, it can also be a time that cause strain on your marriage. With the kids out of school, and fun to be had by all, it’s easy to fill your calendar to the absolute max. If you aren’t careful your marriage can feel the effects of this. It can come to the point where you and your spouse are like two ships that pass in the night. That weakens connection.

Here at A Beautiful Adventure Marriage, we are all about adventure and fun, but not at the expense of your relationship. Join us on this podcast as we look at 5 ways to have fun this summer, enjoy your kids, but still keep your connection as husband and wife.

5 Ways for Your Marriage to Thrive this Summer Don’t over-commit yourself or your family

Sit down and have a discussion as husband and wife to figure out what your capacity is this summer.

After you and your spouse have the chance to sit down together, then include the kids.

Another way you can keep your calendar free is to limit the number of activities per week.

Its Ok to Tell Your Kids… No

Honestly, kids need to see what a good marriage is more than they need to do every single activity that comes up.

Schedule Regular Date Nights

Dating is one of the best ways to keep connection and intimacy alive in your marriage.

Share in each Other’s Interest and Hobbies.

I believe everyone has more fun when they know they will get a turn to choose what is done.

Have Weekly Check Ins

You and your spouse will have to work together as a team for this to be successful. Have Fun this Summer

By the time fall gets here, you don’t want to be exhausted with little to show for it. Doing everything we mentioned above may take a little work on the front end, but this work will help you and your family to have an amazing summer.

Our prayer is that you and your family will end summer closer than when you went into it.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Culture. This may or may not be a word that you are familiar with, especially in your marriage. Honestly, this was not a word used a lot in our household until the last few years; however, by being intentional about creating a healthy marriage culture, our relationship has thrived.

 

Four Ways to Co-Create the Marriage Culture You Want?

A healthy culture does not happen organically. Effort and intentionality are the key ingredients when creating your culture. Alex made it clear that if we don’t create our culture it will become what we tolerate. It’s what we allow to happen in our marriage. We can be passive and allow anything and everything into our marriages, or we can be intentional and co-create a culture conducive to health, growth, and happiness.

Start with a Family Meeting

One person cannot create the culture in your marriage. When one person comes in and starts throwing all kinds of rules at people, they will rebel against them. Make this a family activity. By doing this together, you will find out what is important to everyone. If everyone is on board it will make things a lot easier.

Co-Create Rituals

As a family talk through some things that will be expected on a regular basis. These should be clear and simple things, to begin with.

Co-create values, mission, and purpose for your marriage

How do we create values, mission, and purpose? You have to start by finding out what is important to you and your family. You can do this by asking yourself and your family these questions.

What do you want people to say about your marriage and family?

• Do you want your marriage to be known for its kindness?

• Would you like your children to be known for how respectful they are to others?

• Do you want your family to be mission-minded and active in the community?

 

There are so many more questions that could be asked here, but use these as a starting point. 

Co-create a Culture Board

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Write the vision and engrave it plainly on [clay] tablets so that the one who reads it will run. Habakkuk 2:2

Find a way to keep your culture visible to everyone. Write it out and put it on the refrigerator. Get creative as a family and create a culture board. Design a family seal that reminds you who you are. Whatever it takes to make it plain so everyone can help create it, and walk it out.

The goal is to get everyone on the same page so your culture can thrive and so can your marriage and family.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

We live in a technology driven society. Wherever you go, and anywhere you look you can find some form of technology. Although technology has brought us a ton of conveniences it has the power to destroy something that is far more precious, your intimacy and connection with your spouse and family. 

Statistics Don’t Lie

So we recently when to a marriage conference where Jimmy Evans was speaking. He is the founder of XO Marriage, a ministry that exists to help couples have a healthy and strong marriage. He talked a lot about technology and the impact it can have on your marriage as a whole. Here is a little of what he shared with us.

• 1/3 of all affairs start online.

• Facebook causes 25% of arguments that take place in a week’s period.

• 1 in 7 couples consider divorce because of the social media habits of their spouse.

And here are the ones that left us speechless…

• 10% of people will stop having sex to check their phone if it goes off.

• 35% of people check their phones as soon as they are finished having sex.

Our Take Away

The majority of people, when given the opportunity, will choose technology (especially their phones) over actual human interaction and connection.

Ways to Regain Intimacy and Connection Intimacy Requires Privacy

Goal #1- Set aside some time every day that is technology free.

Intimacy Requires Living Human Contact

Goal #2- Be intentional about holding your spouse instead of your phone.

Intimacy Requires Protection

Goal #3- Set boundaries that will protect your marriage.

Intimacy Requires Rest

Goal #4- Find some time each week to rest and recharge.

For information check out our blog -

Technology and Your Marriage - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage