I have had a really bad week and just felt very off I have been disliking my job and I think I realize why I dont even want to minimize my depression because it has been the worst depression of my life but what I have noticed that all of the sudden I dropped a lot of my habits

I decided to listen to music tonight and discover some new songs that I liked because I realized the only songs I was listening to were ones on tiktok which was cool because I found a lot of new music without having to find it myself but I am a music lover and I feel like my life has been really depressing without listening to music at night

I listen to a lot of podcasts throughout the day I think to inspire this podcast but also to keep learning but it has really ruined my relationship with music and I think it has made me more negative and depressed constantly hearing people bitch about society and and their lives constantly which I do on here often but like that wasnt the only habit I just forgot to do

I have like a 45-50ish minute work commute now and I go to sleep at literally like 8:30 pm so I can wake up and be out of the house at 7 I only have to do it t-th but I find myself coming home at night and just eating and jumping into bed and just watching tv its like I never listen to music anymore at night or do my nighttime routine with all of my different light fixtures and candles and fairy lights and I think it actually started to effect me and like I would make small changes during the week and think wow I feel better I think I lost myself in this transition and Im afraid I won’t find myself until its too late or until I no longer have to commute

This week I questioned every circumstance in my life and every decision Ive ever made and I just felt so alone and sad

Our society is ruining us and I keep on watching videos of people realizing they dont want the American dream and found myself trying to daydream manifest and think my way out of the corporate world I dont want to find myself so overworked or tired to the point where I start to forget my hobbies like I have found myself this week

I dont even want to tell those listening to this to find your hobbies because I do want you to but I also understand the feeling of being overworked to the point that you forget

The older generation looks at our generation as lazy and as young people who think they get to pick when they work and how but they fail to realize what the generations prior and capitalism has done to our parents the people who raised us and who we saw hate their lives who would aspire to be that who would want that

I feel lazy everyday I still get my ass up and work but that doesn’t make me not stop to realize that everything is a social construct everything is made up and I am losing my mind living the same day over and over again working to fulfill someone else’s dreams instead of mine

i always show feeling or jealous of envy of those in my life currently or prior who exhibit delusional behaviors because i find them always winning

i went to my hometown this weekend and it was just so weird to see people i know living their lives and seeing beauty and things i envy in theirs when their could be things they envy in mine

comparison is so true and valid and it’s okay to admire where other people are in their lives as well i have been manifesting a house recently because i just feel ready i don’t really want to move into an apartment i want to move into somewhere i can design truly and make live up to my standards i realized how much i customized my own apartment when i went home this weekend and how important altering your space is for your mental health and comfort

anyways a former friend reached out to me about opinions and what is needed in order to design a house a while ago and i felt so weird after like that i wasn’t truly established enough in my life to buy a house right now when i’m realizing i actually am and though to me she always seemed delusional she also gave me the steps to realize i can settle down if i want to

it’s hard to set goals after graduating college so soon like a job what else? i keep on having these daydreams of myself like 5 years i’m the future and it makes me realIize i manifested my life by dreaming and even if things don’t go distinctly to plan they get there and right now it just seems like a waiting period until things fall into place

im going to take these last few months before my move to really find myself and become a better person i’m going to start eating better and moving more and having a consistent sleep

schedule so when i make this move and need all of this energy and drive im clear headed and ready to make important decisions

spirituality and manifestations has helped me to feel better about the future when it’s hard to look forward when war is on the table and global warming is starting to set in even more but hope and the thought of change can push me forward i guess

Nobody likes you when you are twenty three and I am wondering how I can possibly be more unliked

Life is moving so fast after graduating college and I cant help but want to die honestly I have never felt more alone and unstable than I do now and as much as I ant life to stop the world keeps turning

I look around and I feel like no one is in my corner and as if I am just always in the darkness I cant even watch a rom com or a slow burn tv show without feeling an immense sadness about a plethora thing

I start to think about the one that got a way

I start to think about my sexual frustrations

I think about all of the bridges ive burned

And I think about everyone else I feel like is behind or ahead of me and the worst thing about that is I am jealous of both I am jelaous of people who have the ability to realize what they want in life while having stable partners a good relationship living at home with their parents and no full time job

My mind is constantly scrambling and this mindset feels like it will never end

I want someone to talk to someone to share my day with someone to like be there with me going through it all and just having someone to bounce back conversation throughout the small fraction of time I have to choose things throughout the day

And at the same time I dont even feel mentally or physically capable of being a good friend I am hurting and I don’t know what do

Im feeling kind of inspired to write a love story or like make multiple podcasts of where all of my situations of admiration went wrong

I want to tell you this fucked up story but its just so fucked up and it really ruined my life and I tried so hard to stop it from happening

Ive always been somewhat psychic I look forward I think about conversations and situations before it happened but this one I am having a hard time thinking I played this one out right I want to share something dark I wrote a few weeks ago about the one who got a way in my eyes and if you’ve listened to this podcast it mentions someone else who I talk about often on here

i was thinking about this a lot recently and then I was taking a walk with a coworker and she was talking about how hard it is to be a working parent and it all settled in again and then I saw a tiktok about it as well but it is very weird there is this conversation that comes up so often about society and the government pushing children on people and I think about how many parents seem like they never wanted kids

People are pissed at millennials and gen z for not wanting to have kids and the impacts that It may have on the working class and the economy or whatever but what about the progress we are making to finally be able to choose I think that there is also a negative aspect as well because I look at myself and the fact that I dont feel mentally stable enough to have children but I also dont feel financially stable enough either and I should be in the tax bracket to support a child

Its like the government is going out of its way to try to ban abortion I heard about the new laws in Missouri about stopping women from leaving the state to have abortions and how in that state their are high rates of women dying and infants dying while giving birth

I think about the many reasons I dont want kids and as a black woman it is highly possible for me and my potential children to die while giving birth

Parenting is pushed by the government but we dont have free child care I remeber when my mom was sending my brother to daycare and it was costing around 10,000 dollars a year most people cant dish that

I think about the conversation with my coworker and we were talking about how pivotal it is to have that one on one time with your child when they are young ive seen it so many times stay at home parents help their children in social skills, speaking, and many other ways just by being present

We live in America where its hard to be able to even be a stay at home parent and tend to your babies while they are young other countries make it so much easier to even want to have children

Our government is trying to incentivize us with tax credits, and minimal money instead of just giving us that and maternity and paternity leave and time with our children

Our world is packed and I do wonder what consequences or positive actions our decisions to be childless will have on our society as it evolves or …. Devolves

But lastly I dont want kids because Im already too tired most days and I dont want to be even more stressed out for the rest of my life

Anyways I am pro-abortion, pro-choosing, pro having kids im pro your rights! And no one should EVER be forced to have a ababy that they dont want and no man should EVER make a decision regarding carrying a baby when they will NEVER have to do so!

i have been dreaming about being retired for a while now i think the closest my life has been to retired is the time i took off after college which was like a month maybe it was really nice to just live

recently i have been stomaching a large pit of anxiety i don’t know what it’s about but it’s bad and i can’t help but break the rules essentially at my corporate job to have a sense of freedom

my mom went on a trip to charleston south carolina for her birthday and after she called and d said i can’t help but picture you living there

i want to move so bad and make a move out of state but i can’t help but feel like an orphan as a black woman in america they don’t want us in america they don’t want us in africa honestly and my conservative town feels like it’s giving me the boot out

our society is crumbling and as much as i feel lazy for my lack of desire for a high stress career i’ve almost given up and just hoped for the schedule to be intervened and for me to at least partly love my retired life now

i used to strongly believe in the idea at reversing the retirement plan like living it up at 20 instead of 60 i was such an idiot there’s no way i would want to work like this at 60

okay i just finished a walk outside my life isn’t that bad

i heard recently that if you are worried that what you are saying will come off the wrong way then maybe you aren’t supposed to be talking to them or you aren’t as close as you think you are

i have this issue a lot where i’m constantly worried someone won’t understand what i mean or the meaning behind my words and how they impact that person and the situation i’m talking about

i feel it a lot with my parents and close friends like i can’t always say what i mean i feel like i am pushing people away to the point of having no one in my corner but i’m almost just mad at myself

i try so hard to be the person who is a good friend and who doesn’t gossip but at my lowest points i find myself becoming that person a lot

i realized recently that i am always looking for people to fix or who need fixing out of being younger and having friends essentially do that for me or always being enamored with people older than me and making them my friends to learn about what i had in the future i find myself now falling into the roll of trying to see the potential and people and then once the honeymoon phase fades they consistently let me down

i heard recently that when that happens it’s because you are expecting the people in your life to act as you would in that situation and they are going to be themselves no matter what

there are so many things i hate about myself one being how dependent i am on the measly people in my life

i’m always scared to say what i feel and literally be who i am because i’m scared i will end up losing someone i need or just solely want in my life and it’s not a good habit i go back and forth with wanting my immediate family in my life and i’ve gotten to the point where i just need to grow up and do things myself

there comes a point in adulthood where i look back at my childhood and how my brother is shaping to be an older teenager and just see all of the faults my parents made in both of us and how hard it is for me to just live in society

i think my parents failed both of us in a lot of ways and i just hope to one day be free from their wrath

i’m scared to live alone fully no friends and family but as the days go on both sets are dropping like flies and i know i am independent enough to do it myself but most times i just don’t want to.

I have been obsessed with the blind items trend on tiktok and felt like ytmommadrama was my little sliver of online sleuthing I used to look at the website religiously and after watching a vlog I knew I could go on to the website and find the gossip what was so crazy about ytmommadrama at its prime was that there were the level headed people who didn’t like overstep and go for the juggler and then there were the crazy people who like found addresses, and reported to cps and stuff it was crazy and I never posted anything on the site or made an account and I think reporting people who take proper care of their children is ridiculous

I had started writing this a a few months ago but was re inspired to pick it up following the Dad Challenge Podcasts video on Cam & Fam after stopping watching family bloggers she was one I continued to watch because of her situation and because of her calmness and relatability like I remember when she moved into her house and painted her kitchen table with her kids I was in like a really weird place when I watched that video and after I painted my table like doodled on it and I think its something I am going to continue to do when I move I just thought back to like myself as a kid doing homework on the kitchen table and it bleeding through because of how deep I would use the table and getting reprimanded and the thought of how you could really make something so integral to your life like a kitchen table customizable and more of an anecdote anyways it reminds me of the basics of gentle parenting and how important that is to instill in children

But in her video about family blogging and the dad challenge podcasts reaction they talk about ytmommadrama and how toxic it was and I think about what people were saying in response to her situation with her husband taking his life and how awful the things were and how if she was reading that it really could take a toll on her this website has brought attention to so many crazy things I think of Fathering Autism and the fact that he had a child that he knew nothing about and how like this site has played a pivotal role in exposing so many families

I can literally give examples of each of these situations they searched and found britneyandbaby’s marriage license with frank and the timeline of their relationship and why it was moving so fast speaking of britneyandbaby there was a scandal of hers a few years ago where people believed that she wasnt donating the money that was raised for the disease her son has and instead pocketing it people would go back and forth about it forever it seemed

They have called CPS on multiple folks like KKandbabyJ who’s forum was once a hell spin like daily things and information were coming out

Their page used to go so quickly like constantly updating and some crazy things that they did/realized they reported them to HOA for not having a proper pool enclosure it is a law in florida so when they called it in it actually forced the neighbors to have to fix theirs as well and keren and khoa paid for it

Blackface scandal and n word scandal I think they went back to their instagrams and found the image of whoa and keren using the n word

Something that I thought was crazy was when they found out about Their hidden car they had both gotten luxury cars not at the same time I believe but they were hiding them from their audience for some reason which I dont necessarily understand its almost like when everything you do is profitable and you share so much it seemed like such a small thing to not expose but they were pretty weird about it and then like made the photoshoots with their cars their promotion photos for their podcast like trying to make a joke out of it im pretty sure they talk about it in their intial episode I swear I retain such pointless information

everytime i try to analyze a dream i hope that it will be the last of the past but i finally see how all of these people and all of these situations in my dreams create a future that i wished for for so long as a hopeless romantic i find myself dreaming all the time and just thinking of how life could be executed perfectly through the guise of a perfect relationship and deep down i know that’s not true but i think it still haunts me anyways

i can’t help but think of my past in terms of fails of being picked or by being wanted and it’s so dark and all it does is make me think of comphet and that desire to be approved but i think if i realized anything i can workout really hard wear a lot of makeup put my hair into different styles and still not be picked but i still do all of those things for both myself and that hope of feeling validated and it’s so sad

i don’t feel very good about myself right now i let myself go in a sense i’m not exercising and i’m not eating well and i want to make a change but i want to make sure i’m not trying to impress someone who truly doesn’t care and is truly superficial

this morning i saw a tweet from keke palmer about a conversation she had with her sister where she said you can’t expect better from people like you have to see them for what they are and i also heard about when you have high expectations for someone it’s because you are imagining them to do what you do and i agree wholeheartedly

i’ve been thinking more and more about my friend break up and the more i do the more i realize that i was expecting her to be a better friend and respect my boundaries and she just didn’t and something my mom made me realize is i always find people who need help of some sort or who i think i can help and i get so invested in fixing and helping these people that i fail to help and fix myself sometimes

i don’t hang out with a lot of people mostly because of my anxiety and depression and liking to be alone and i think it’s because at the end of the day i am constantly let down i expect guys who have wronged me to do the right thing i expect my friends to treat me better and they don’t it’s easier sometimes just to count on myself which is sad but i think it’s something i need to realize in regards to that fairytale and write it around me being content and doing things i love and reaching goals i never thought i could

we are so wired to behave like robots and check these goals off a list in a certain order to feel validated and to feel as if we’ve lived a successful life but to hell with that i’m sick of living for the validation of other people i’m not sick of helping people but i do think that i need to stop expecting people to be better than they are

i just wish i knew who to weed out and keep in but at the end of the day i’m kind of happy i never got my true fairytale because i don’t know if i would’ve ever learned this lesson

Not trying to boost my ego any higher but I love how the smallest of topics and conversations create a connection in my brain to something deeper

My friend messaged me thinking about a mutual friend and how her younger cousin was told that her dead father was in the moon and she was like thats so messed up and we were talking about like child development and the adults in her life and their reasoning behind not telling her the truth and the idea of avoiding a hard conversation anyways

I saw the trailer for the new Elvis movie starring Austin butler which I really want to see and I thought about this women I meant in my childhood she was like a childcare assistant and she was obsessed with Elvis and she had believed that he was still alive and I think about all the theories of dead celebrities being alive like Elvis and Tupac and it made me think on how everyone is so quick to not accept the truth and believe they are privy to more information about a situation that they dont even know and I think about our society’s relationship with celebrities and their personal lives

Like as a former huge Shane Dawson fan who literally viewed his conspiracy theory documentaries as something truly possible it creates this weird idea where like tragic events are reduced to a conspiracy for shock value and a hit YouTube video I dont know if that makes sense

But I think about all of the vaccine and election conspiracies and these ones really feel almost comical to me solely because individuals feel like they matter so much to the government and that they are being micro-chipped and shit like who fucking cares where you go? And I know that sounds harsh its just like these conspiracy theories allow people to blow things so out of proportion that they make themselves and others feel and seem more valuable than they actually are

Its also like sad because I understand not trusting the government but how fucked up is it that most peoples first instinct is to automatically not believe the opinion being fed to you but feel like with your own research whatever you come up with is automatically better than to this person on your tv screen who is being fed information from people in the labs or sitting at an expensive desk

This is just another example of my contradictory thoughts but as much as I love a good conspiracy theory sometimes I feel like its easier to just be a sheep and not get too invested into bigger ideas of things that dont really impact you at the end of the day

But then again I am keen on the idea of choosing so do that too! i guess my only advice is like when you start creating conspiracies ask yourself why? Are you doing this because you dont understand the more agreed answer? Are you doing this because you cant live with it and believing it ruins your idea of a person or ideology?

I have been fully obsessed with euphoria this season and I have been loving the tiktok theories and thoughts and I want to talk about this season in depth because ive been so obsessed!!

I really liked this season i think it was hard to watch most of the time but i think sam took the criticism of the glorifying of drugs and really shared the worst parts of it the strong difference between season one and season two literally makes so much sense in terms of high school because things just change so quickly

Jacobs clan more specifically Marsha the more think about her she is kind of the devil and my reasoning may be kind of mysognistic but I think she’s the worst because it seems like she could sense the tension between cal and Derek and still got pregnant maybe intentionally and shielded cal from an LGBTQ life story she says in her talk with Nate that she noticed a shift in him and disregarded the care of his mental health due to his fathers beliefs she knew that her son was dangerous and violent and instead of stepping in she allowed him to exhibit toxic masculinity and ruin so many young men and womens lives so many issues this season and season one stem from Nate and they could’ve been prevented if she just did her job as a parent same with cal and he’s worse because of what he does to women like Jules and the men seen throughout the series but to me Marsha displays all the behaviors I hate about boy moms and how mothers raise their sons different to the point that their children end up hurting people in the end

Okay i think about Alexa demie and her lack of social media presence and how it kind of feel like its propelling her more to be the it girl I also think of like the birkin bag I recently saw smokey glows video of it and its so rare and so special to be able to have one I would treat euphoria like that I wouldn’t give teasers or trailers for the next episode and I would make very ominous trailers for the season I would do as little press as possible and have the cast do also very ominous promotion and I would do better at keeping the plot under wraps…. I would try my best to make euphoria feel as hidden as possible to create more commotion and anticipation for the show I think it would also allow us to go online and not see it overpowering timelines and almost overfed to those who dont watch it I honestly am not sure if thats possible

“What what!” cal jacobs episode four - cal being a  drunk menace

This entire season I found myself looking at how much time was remaining for an episode because I constantly found myself feeling like time was being wasted and running out this finale was great in some ways but it was also bad in a lot of others I really hope that with the time in between season 2 and 3 Sam Levinson repairs his alleged issues with the cast and creates a season that garners less negativity I honestly have to say I prefer season one to season two but I think thats the point

Zendaya, Sydney Sweeney, Jacob Elordi, Hunter Schafer, Maude Apatow, Barbie Ferreira and more star in Euphoria on HBO. Bobbi is my favorite!!! 

I realized my podcast about black history month is really negative and dont expect this podcast to be rainbows because it won’t be but I was thinking let me soak up this month some more and talk about some more issues I have my mom is just like me in the fact that she hangs on to memories for way too long so often she talks about a childhood friend of mine and how she told us while spending the night that her parents didn’t let her watch the proud family on Disney channel

And this morning when I tuned into the louder and prouder proud family reboot my eyes glimmered and my smile expanded because it was so nice to see black people on the screen just being black and being happy I think back to that childhood friend and how black people are viewed as a society and the cultural differences that we have and how this show kind of highlights them in a lighthearted way

The lack of exposure the lack of sight on different people creates this level of ignorance that harms those assosciated with said culture I think about how people offer the idea of traveling the world to see different ways of life and I think about the recent episode of binchtopia that was amazing I reccomend everyone to listen to about black history month and the two cohosts touch on how schizophrenia was over diagnosed to black patients due to racism and how a lot of mental health practices used in white culture dont apply to black culture

Something that I loved that they touched on was how its hard to cut someone off because of family dynamics and relationships within black culture

Anyways my childhood friends parents didn’t allow her to watch the proud family because it wasnt something they understand or can empathize with but if they had allowed her to watch it she could’ve picked up on AAVE or learned more about black culture

Shielding your children from other cultures and dialects creates racist and prejudice adults and as much as racist and homophobic people are always going on about an agenda and how it is creating more gay people or something stupid like that

It kind of is but not for that reason being able to see someones struggles first hand or hear about them allows you to become more privy to sympathizing with them and having a better understanding of them when you only consume what you deem is acceptable or correct or right your view becomes so jaded and so ignorant and bias because you fail to see every possibility and outcome

Censorship creates ignorance and this doesn’t apply to illegal activity this applies to freedom of speech and the amount of policing I see online sometimes of people just trying to spread light and a different view on something is kind of disgusting and this whole conversation reminds me of my distrust with the media and the news and how curated it is to make people feel a different way like AOC said they want us to feel helpless but we have to keep putting our view out there and in one way or another changing the narrative

I think about those campaigning against capitalism and how recently a spokesperson from the reddit page or another online organization went on to Fox News (I hate Fox News and I know that because Ive listened to it) and made a mockery out of the whole antiwork community although he may have looked like an idiot and chose a bad outlet it is great to spread your views because that is how we start a revolution.

Anyways stream the proud family louder and prouder on Disney+ and happy black history month