personally i love love and dating related shows love is blind is definitely my favorite because it takes away all of the things that make me self conscious in terms of dating like falling in love with someone’s brain sounds literally amazing to do and that’s something i plan on doing in my lifetime

this season made me feel so many emotions and just made me have hope in others relationships and the possibility of finding a real connection

so i’m going to talk about the relationships my thoughts on the cast and what these relationships exhibit and what they seem like to me

i think so far with what i’ve seen this season is definitely comparable with season one i find myself liking more cast members and rooting for more relationships this season which i love

one problem i have with the show is you don’t see conventionally unattractive people or people who don’t meet the beauty standard finding love and seeing how those relationships work in real love id also love to see queer people in the spaces as well but this show is so amazing i hope to have many more seasons where things like what i discussed previously are seen

I have also seen this critique of the show everywhere the rules of the pods should be more clear and probably seen in more depth I’d love to see how long people talk in the pods like I cant help but imagine Lauren and Cameron being kicked out of the pods for talking to long and how cool would it be to have a set schedule where you have to switch every hour but also being able to talk to whoever you want at night that should be explored more

really enjoyed the trying on dresses part this season I thought it was very cute and special although a lot of people were hoping none of these marriages went through I thoroughly enjoyed the season and I think I will always love the premise of this show I saw a video talking about how they found the cast off of instagram and dating apps and I kind of thought that was cool for other cities I hope they do nyc and dc or Charlotte I think those would be dope but I bet they will do west coast next

episode 10 thoughts:

i dont think nick and danielle should’ve gotten married they are too fiery and their fights just make the two seem like they really don’t understand each other i do think they will work it out for at least a little while i don’t know if i see them together forever

i still fucking hate shake and i’m happy deepti said no the way he talked about her was disrespectful and she deserves better

i don’t even know if i’m surprised natalie said no shayne needs so much validation and there fight seemed heated im happy she said no honestly

i’m happy sal said no as well tbh the couples this year are just not strong but i wasn’t sure mallory really loved sal but i truly believed sal loved mallory but i think he realized she didn’t love him as much as he loved her

please lord let lauren and cameron host next season thank you very much and i need a reunion also i still really love this show and it’s something i want to see become a long term series

the finale was a let down tbh and i hope that the  reunion is better

why i feel like shit right now 

xoxo lonely girl

I dont know if the podcast is teaching me new things or its just like everyday is a new revelation and Im shocked because I never took the time to write it down but I am doing really good right now anyways I realized I talk about my parents a lot on the podcast because they shaped me into the person I am now and I just dont have a lot of friends but this story just relates to how my dad lives his life

Anyways I love biglots the store I dont know why I remember when I went for the first time to the one in my college town where I currently reside and my eyes just widened it was huge and just had the cutest shit so every weekend I go there and the dollar store pretty much I see the same lady at the register but today when I went I picked up way too many candles and she asked me if I wanted to donate to an organization

Growing up as a teenager I always rounded up and donated and would get mad at my parents for never doing it so when I started paying for things I always donated I also would fight my parents over how much I tip people for services because I always overdo it but regardless a few months ago and also like a year ago I saw people always saying dont donate its just like a tax write off for a major corporation so I stopped donating as much so when she asked this small question I went back and forth in my head about it like do I donate or not and I was like you know what I want to and I have this weird relationship with money and the economy and its heightened since my increase in spirituality

I believe that in order to receive you have to give and like when you spend its just going to come back to you and I dont mean on like frivolous things I mostly mean like tipping your servers and those that service you and donating and stuff and so I said yes and then she was like okay you got two coupons and they were pretty hefty and one was solely from donating a dollar and as someone who frequents big lots I will definitely use it and it just made me feel good like I dont know how to describe it

So this leads me to say my dad is the opposite of this example as ive gotten older I see a lot of his faults and something that he does that really annoys me and what I believe blocks his blessings is how greedy he is and it has reason he grew up very poor but so did my mom but she’s not as greedy as him when you hold on to things like money and you refrain from tipping and just trying to spread the wealth around and allow things to come back from you you block yourself from really positive interactions and experiences

My dad is always expecting someone to hook him up just via connection I actually have a funny story about that one day me my dad and my brother were all going to McDonalds and he saw one of his basketball players or someone he knew at the window and he was like watch this we are about to get hooked up and we get our food and he said damn it and we all laughed because there was no hook up but the thing is like a nice word only goes so far my dad is very nice and friendly always giving great advice but he’s never physically giving and his friendliness does allow him to receive a lot of things but I feel like it still in a way blocks him because of his greed

I have this weird one sided love hate relationship with Logan Paul and the impaulsive podcast I used to listen to every episode of the podcast but I stopped recently. Anyways I went to check back in on their euphoria episode because I am obsessed with the show and it took me down a rabbit hole. I have a weird opinion of mike majilak or who I like to call hey big mike because I dont really know what I think about him but he said something that stuck with me

He said in the podcast everyone listening to this podcast has a history with someone addicted to drugs and the epidemic that they have created and at first I was like no I don’t but now I can think of a few people in my family who have toggled with drugs to an extent I believe and being incarcerated

After that a video about Mac Miller came up on my suggested about the prior events concluded before his tragic death and I kept on watching more and more videos and reading more and more articles until I was crying

I remember where I was when Mac Miller died I wasnt a huge fan before his death but I was a huge fan after I have really bad responses to people dying of things that could’ve been prevented and this one fucked me up for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about it I just always want a clear answer like oh they died because they were old like even when people die of a sickness I get upset because I know in a short few years I will see a cure for the disease and think about all of the innocent people who lost their lives to it it makes the saying everything happens for a reason lose meaning

I think about all of the people I know who committed suicide who never gave me any signs who never expressed how they deeply feel and then I look at Mac Miller and see someone who was so open about his struggling die because of his addiction to drugs and honestly this deep dive makes me so mad about what happened following his death with tana mongeau because its just to much more insensitive to me

Although I wasnt a Big Mac Miller fan before I knew how much he effected people I loved and people I followed online like his fan base truly loved him and I loved him before I was a fan because I loved his relationship with Ariana Grande and honestly I really loved his music in college and from that day on because he was just so special and so genuine and so anti-racist and I just wish that his story couldve ended differently I am really thankful to mike and his journey and his segment on impaulsive in that episode I think mike is a character but he has such a deep history with the wisdom of being older and his perspective is truly inspiring because of him beating addiction and living his life to the fullest extent now and even if I disagree with things he says and the way he lives his life thats okay Im just glad that he is here with us today

I also feel like I should apologize to sam Levinson I feel like he’s been receiving a lot of hate recently and I want to applaud him as someone who escaped addiction as well and as triggering as drugs have been for those who have battled that addiction I think at the end of the day he is trying to villainize the substances that made him realize fragile life is.

Thanks for listening and please go listen to some one Mac’s music it is all beautiful.

And if you are struggling with drugs please reach out for help.

Tw:ed’s ( trigger warning: eating disorders)

I think about my relationship with my mother and just how twisted it really is how competitive she is with me how it always seems like she’s pushing me further down even when she is trying to uplift me how she rewrites history and I am the villain in her story although she is the villain in mine

But then I pause. And breathe. And realize she is a victim too.

There is an influencer I follow who talks about how she is trying to teach her mother to free herself from the male gaze but what about the mothers who understand it and use it to their advantage?

When you come to the realization that fatphobia, colorism, and pretty privilege are real things how much do you have to put up with to either give in or give up? I am at a constant battle with myself to do both. To just let my body be or to mutilate it and put these medicines and injections in until I feel beautiful its so damaging.

My mother loved my eating disorder and talks about it openly.

She causes me so much pain and intersecting thoughts. I feel like I need her approval in everything that I do but so often I am let down by her opinions of me and left with the feeling of wishing I had just followed my gut.

I often wonder where I could be without her in my life. But I wouldn’t be here without her in my life.

I recommend everyone suffering with an eating disorder to try to get help it is a real thing they go both ways I sympathize with you and you are worthy of food and nutrients.

In trying to recover from my conflicting eating disorders I often find myself either loving the feeling of being full or loving the feeling of being starved I heard that your eating disorders alighn with your mental health and trying to fill that void of emptiness with food and I am working really hard to fill that void in different ways.

I dont think I talk about these triggering circumstances in the most logical well educated way but im just trying to cope and live in a healthy body. Reach out if you need help.

Thanks for listening this was a doozie.

Feeling pretty feels good but the price is crazy. I have given up in many rights to respectability politics and how people want me to look and have found myself loving how I feel the most beautiful.

I watched this video of a women who had an encounter that made her realize that pretty privilege was real and I was so embarrassed for her. She expected people to make her feel pretty because she felt pretty and I outgrew that thought and expectation at like age 13. And thats probably a sad fact that I ever felt that way but its true.

After continuously never being picked and always feeling like the ugly one out to those who were supposed to desire me I never expected male attention again.

I have found that me finding myself pretty is enough for me at this point and I do things like get my hair and nails done and stay up to my expectation in terms of looks solely for me because if it anything that men have its the audacity to let you down.

I think what has made me so content with being single forever is knowing that I will never have to deal with that a man letting me down, or things like weaponized incompetence I look at my mother and just get sad honestly the things that she has to put up with from my father are fucking crazy and it goes both ways like being in a relationship you are sacrificing so much of your sanity so much of your personality for someone you grow to love less and less each day it’s so scary

I think if I was in a relationship I would just want space constantly I would want to live alone I would want my own bed I would just yearn for being on my own it makes me think of a position a lot of women are in now that makes me so sad

Women who go through separation and divorce are put into this sticky situation of what the fuck is next I heard this story recently of a women who had to downsize because her husband took everything she spent the past almost 20 years of her life prior building up this life for their family and he left her alone and how she has to make it work and her children are so used to the life she lived before and they cant cope with the downsizing and new zip code thats so much emotional distress but she also has her sanity back in another sense I think there should be therapists and people there to support women during this time because god is it hard and I cant help but think about how she wishes she just stuck it out for her children when at the end of the day it is never worth it

Anyways this does relate to my original thought haha! The housewife debate you can get fully invested in the male gaze and creating the woman that the man you are with or that most men think they want and then when you age or when you speak for yourself you are cut off and that social climbing that you’ve done gets you either a fat check to live off of or literally nothing and you feel like you wasted your “good years” which is SO FUCKING PROBLEMATIC

Im so sick of people not wanting to age as a woman because of men and their predatory desires!

Taylor swift said it right in the all too well 10 minute version 'I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age' these men are fucking disgusting and we have got to take power into our own hands i do not agree with bashing stay at home mothers or trophy wife I believe in the idea that that is feminist rhetoric to use the male gaze to your advantage im definitely in support of sex workers also but at the same time I think for your clarity for your mental health the best thing to do is focus on yourself and keeping yourself afloat on your own without the presence of a man in sight.

Anyways I will definitely be getting my nails, eyebrows, and hair done next week. Thank you very much I am still very much a material girl haha .

I feel like my opinion and things change so quickly during the weeks like these podcasts reveal how quickly things change for me I was listening to my initial episode of this show and I talk about how much I yearn for a partner and a relationship and even sometimes mysogynistic behavior and in four short months I have began to imagine a life alone and realize how perfect that is buying my own house, getting a new car, working really hard and just building my own perfect life and being able to dance in my kitchen to music without being judged or making someone else upset

I think I really am getting older because ever since I was a little girl all I wanted was a boyfriend but now I just want to be afloat and happy alone.

Some other realizations ive had this week is that all of my friendships that I have ever had Ive never really learned from I haven’t learned how to be a good friend and I haven’t even learned much stupid stuff from my friends and how in almost all of my friendships I fall into this role of teacher I am constantly teaching and educating other people on things whether they are big and small and I think its probably not a great quality at the end of the day

I want to be a person who is constantly learning from people and I now realize the only people ive really ever learned from were my parents or older adults and I love that back and forth of conversations I want to be in more friendships where I am kept on my toes and am constantly engaged in riveting conversation if that makes sense

I’ve really felt myself coming back this week and I really do think its getting off the fucking birth control I will be an anti-birth control advocate for the rest of my life because it really does impact you in all angles

Anyway this week I feel like I have fully realized how happy I am right now how much I love living in the city I think I talked about it on a voice note I will put it here.

But this job has afforded me so much time to think deeply on topics that I probably wouldn’t have done if I didn’t have the commute one day I was getting off the elevator to walk to my job and I looked at this beautiful building and I was like I could never think of that I could never design that and I just stopped and realized I cant design the perfect world and thats okay

As a designer and a creative and someone that critiques everything I have the weird relationship with being inspired by others and their work and my ego and thinking I could design something better than someone else and If anything made me realize how bad of a designer I am its social media and seeing other people create online

But I think what ive been trying to myself is that doesnt diminish my design work and it doesn’t make me not worthy to be a designer because things are so harsh for me sometimes like its always all or nothing

The way you are brought up is so crucial and its so important to fully analyze your childhood and see how it impacts how you do things in your life as an adult and the tendencies it can create I feel like im smelling the roses right now and things are all coming together kind of like when mirabel in encanto has all the pieces she puts together of the dream with bruno and I am just so excited for my frontal lobe or cortex or whatever to come together and everything to connect in my mind im at the point where I am enjoying getting older honestly

Maia Knight - mother of Violet and Scout on TikTok 

Okbaby sharing a lot of information about her children 

Lewwni - Swae's mother making merchandise with her daughter's face on it

Dad Challenge Podcast mean execution true statements 

Journey With Jax - Justmeggo regretting planning her children at age 15

I know I spoke previously on the dad challenge podcast and I do think he is very harsh on a lot of mothers online but at the end of the day I do agree with almost everything he says his tone is just so rude and its honestly comical to me because I am honestly constantly shocked by the thing he says I was so happy he talked about Maia Knight because I was thinking all of the same things

She had this video where she talked about par asocial relationships and her following and how she shares her kids on the internet and everything was very off base she claims that there are crazy fans out there she said probably and didn’t acknowledge that she feeds into those obsessed with her children and egging on the parasocial relationship when she does bits like here you watch the kids

I think a lot of DCP feedback to her being a mother was true she does come off a little negligent but I think its mainly because she was so young when she got pregnant and it was an accident and she was thrown into motherhood when she really wanted to live her life as a young adult who parties with her friends

Something that rubs me the wrong way about Maia is the fact that she is so self sufficient already without tiktok but she claims that she didn’t start tiktok for money but won’t make it as a fun outlet instead of a stream of income she has a house has a great support system and had a job and is also in school

Why does she need tiktok? Obviously it is a great way to provide for her two girls but it isn’t necessary

I saw someone say she’s doing better at protecting her baby daddy than her children and its true something that I like about all of the tiktok moms that I personally follow is how they really dont exploit their kids like they may be shown in their videos but its not even close to how YouTube moms do it and their content is created mainly off of their personality and lifestyle not solely being a mother Maia is the complete opposite and I am really scared for her and her kids future

I just don’t see how these mothers cant look at their content and see how awful this looks everytime I see Maia knight come up on tiktok I think about her kids at like age 14 or even younger just screaming at her how could you do that? How could you share my whole life all the gross moments? I mean we know that those girls father doesn’t want to be in their lives thats none of our business her followers and random people know that that was an unwanted pregnancy, she shares when she’s taking pregnancy tests she’s pretty much sharing her sexual schedule and of course its important to be safe but also there becomes a point where you are sharing so much information that your privacy is so gone that people and followers feel like there is no boundaries I went back and forth between following and not following her now I dont like her videos when they come up on my fyp because I dont think she should be doing this there was one day when she didn’t post and people were freaking out like they actually felt entitled to her life and it creeps me out

I dont follow many tiktok moms but there was one that kept of coming up on my page the ladys daughters name was swae and her mother made merch with her daughters face on it and literally everything she does rubs me the wrong way I finally had to block her

I remember so many things involving him in my life I remember the first time I got braids and he looked at me and said why did you do that to your hair and I just said I dont know I was so uncomfortable because my hair was starting to break off because of all the damage I had done to it by trying to assimilate to white culture so when he said that to me I began to feel ugly and stupid and like something was wrong but now as a 22 year old adult I feel the prettiest in braids so that was like a clear example of a microagression and how someone elses comments negatively impacted my opinion of myself

I have been a hot mess lately just awful like really bad I think its my body reacting to the birth control leaving my body but I dont know during this hot mess time I had two spurts of like emotional breakdowns where I went driving and started like crying and went back and forth between manic and suicidal I dont know if I will include the clips but I took voice memos about what was going on one was so specific and included the guy earlier

I was mourning a life I felt like I could never have I had this like daydream of me in the car singing at the top of my lungs with my husband (the guy in the dream + story), him driving and our kids in the back of the car laughing and making fun of us and we were singing country music and it was just sweet and wholesome and it felt kind of perfect but my smile started to turn into a frown because I started thinking of how that could never happen

I’ve always felt like I wasnt enough and would never be accepted by people like him because of things out of my control I always fantasized about a life without prejudice a life as a privileged white person growing up because thats often all I saw and something that I always wanted to be able to have

That life haunts me and those people haunt me since then I have moved away from my hometown I have like no hometown friends and oddly my only hometown friend is now living that life I mourned and this guy keeps appearing in my dreams in different ways and I was looking it up and realizing I am not obsessed with this guy I am not in love with this guy I have not thought about him in years and I don’t think we are connected or he’s going to reach out or anything but I started looking up why is someone in my dream blah blah blah on reddit and I knew the answer already I just needed to hear it again there was something deeper there and its me confronting my problematic past and my tendencies to be entrapped by whiteness

I wanted that life because I wanted to be accepted I wanted to have a way to escape racism and be able to lessen my self hatred at the time but now I am proud to be black I embrace my natural hair I embrace my hair in protective styles and I have grown so much from the braids conversation and I have grown to not be attracted to people only because of what they can do for me and my status

Something that is weird is that when I was mourning that life now I wasnt mourning that status I was mourning the happiness the carefreeness the easiness the love because although their might have been superficial tendencies in my feelings before, as an adult I think of relationships and love as just having a companion. when I snapped out of my daydream and realized I was singing country music alone the happiness faded because I felt like I would never be worthy enough in someones eyes to sing with them if that makes sense

But thats not true. I think if this deep dive has taught me anything its that not everyone is superficial and even if they are at one period of time, they can grow .I dont have to look a certain way, or wear my hair a certain style to be worthy of love. im worthy of love because I am human. and because I love to love other people

I want to thank this dude that has been living in my head for weeks now. and hopefully he will leave me the fuck alone because this was hard to write haha.

Something that ive realized recently is honestly just how important the people we meet in this world are and how we treat them is really important

I am very blunt harsh and spiteful so in quick to return the favor for how people treat me but I find myself and the people I treat well or hold to this high standard of being good people always finding their way back into my life

I think I credit my mom a lot with her networking skills and how quick she is to give someone an opportunity and to introduce someone to get people jobs and I try to do the same thing for my friends

I think of all the people I have treated horribly without warrant and what I would do to fix those situations and how I want to make sure moving forward I make better impressions even with the people I dislike

I love that song small worlds by Mac miller and its just true graduating school and still seeing how the world works in mysterious ways is insane

I do wonder if the people I unintentionally am drawn to or unintentionally treat well are meant to be in my life and the opposite aren’t for a reason

I listened to this YouTube video today about our generation and how we are the loneliest generation ever and how we are likely to cut people off for the small things instead of confrontation she gave the example of a friend breakup and not setting a boundary and I think to my recent relationship with a friend where they disrespected a boundary I had and I cut them off

It made me wonder if I did too much and was too quick to change but I thought to another video I saw recently about how single women are the most happiest people and how if a relationship doesn’t serve you you have to let it go its such an oxymoron

That video also talked about being a good friend and being there for people and ive realized I hate opening up to people because people like the friend that I cut off always make me feel weird or just not there with me to talk it out and understand it and I realize even though with my few friends I rarely open up I give them space to do that and I know at the end of the day they care about what I do for them and my friend that I cut off felt more like she was envious of what I got from other people so she was going to take what I would give her until I couldn’t give her anything else

People change and people grow and me ending that relationship might have ruined our relationship forever but I know deep down she wasnt bringing me up or giving a vibe that she was grateful for our friendship and at the end of the day I want to feel good about being there for my friends and at the least feel respected and she never provided that for me

Its just sad because I have so much platonic love to give and I would love to have a set group of friends and I just feel like it’ll never come but im going to keep putting my love out there and trying to be my best self at all times because you never know when someone else will come back into your life.