I have a lot of opinions on professional sports and how oppressive they are and how all this money is given to these athletes but how they still have such little voices. I think I care so much about this because I saw it on a smaller scale with my dad its just like athletes are always seen as ignorant and its really pissing me off. There are so many polarizing athletes that are known for being outlandish, ignorant, crazy and just menaces to society and when you really think about why they act that way and why they are painted as villains in society it makes sense that everything is connected. Capitalism the NFL and NBA are money making machines I think about China and how players are not allowed to publicly denounce any of chinas actions due to their mega support in china and how they invest.

Football is so crazy because I think of Antonio Brown and how often football players are seen as greedy and selfish and aggressive and I wonder why people make that the reason to paint them as villains? They are forced to be competitive do anything for that win put their lives on the line especially in football with the concerns of concussions, CTE and just physically getting really hurt. They are supposed to have this fight this courage this bravery and then be able to just turn it on and off on the sidelines versus the field that can’t be an easy thing to do and it’s also unbelievable to expect them to have this knowledge of how to properly control all of their emotions when they spend so much time preparing for that fight in the gym physical therapy strict diet I think I would go fucking crazy!

And to me there is this like slavery correlation because they are supposed to be presentable and a workhouse like the athletes that are praised by society keep their mouths shut and essentially “shut up and dribble” and I understand the PR side of that but I also wonder how that extends to their personal lives and emptiness of not being able to really be yourself in the limelight and talk about what is wrong with the position and career they are in.

The coaches are another story I feel like they like the corporations become this slave owner position where they are reprimanding the players from every angle and feeding into the fact that these players are crazy when they drive them to be that way. And in no way do I think this negates any of the awful things many athletes have done over time but it does make me wonder why when an athlete speaks out or takes a stand like Colin kapepernick they are instantly seen as crazy, ignorant, a terrorist or any other awful words because they didn’t comply? They stopped doing what they were told they stopped shutting their mouth they took a stand for what they believe in and now they are exiled from the sport? Interesting.

To me money is nothing if I cant have freedom of speech. If I have to look a certain way act a certain way say certain things. So before you listen to a coach before you listen to the statement from the NFL or a big corporation think of the athlete and how things could look from their side. Its also quite interesting that all of the athletes I thought of while watching this were people of color and you see liars and people spreading misinformation about the virus and the vaccine like Aaron Rodgers receiving minimal slack in comparison to black players who have had tantrums on the field. Interesting. The link between white supremacy and professional sports is so strong and people are so stupid to believe because they are millionaires it’s different.

Julia Fox and Kim K Conversations piss me off and it really feeds into how men treat women like dolls. Which is literally what Kanye West does

Every take online discussing the two women names could be replaces with two different barbie dolls instead and still make sense its gross and demeaning

The outfit comparisons, the podcast clips, the references to Kanye lyrics its so stupid and feeds into how there can only be one woman in a space

One female rapper, one pop-star women are always pitted against each other its ridiculous so many unnecessary feuds created because of our misogynistic society

Its annoying I could not give a single fuck about what either of them wear ever and its a headline when our world is currently falling apart

The worst part about this is as much as Julia is feeling the fire I really dont think she cares to duel Kim K

The kardashians are an example about how controversy and drama always wins and when we retract from following their drama and using it as entertainment do they stand on their own when they are private? Our society rewards the talentless and often hides the talented

Uplift women we can all succeed! There is room for everyone at the top if we make it!

And my feelings on this aren’t only reserved to the media Kim and Kanyes relationships combine so many things and effect so many people and how they identify if that makes sense

Kanyes clip on how he got the sex tape from Ray J and talking about how she cried and how she was used by so many people was so sick and disgusting because this relationship although it is beautiful I guess it talks about how awful people treated Kim Kardashian as a sex worker and how it takes a powerful man to change a woman’s status it so fucked up how women are shamed to be sex workers and men aren’t even talked about in that space the words that Kanye said in that interview he would’ve never shared if they were still together and then him talking about Pete and SNL was so possessive and it relates back to the doll narrative and how women aren’t seen as people who can think about themselves I saw this take online about how Kim Kardashian knows to never let a man hold her back she saw it with her mom she saw it in her previous marriages I think its so important to put yourself first in terms of your happiness and everything will fall into place after

I miss getting my phone taken away as a kid.

I don’t think this is a trauma thing I think its because as an adult I’ve become consumed with the internet and technology and evertime I got my technology taken away as a kid it bred innovation and thought. I would start writing, drawing, reading and thinking. I feel like my individuality really came through during that time and I wish I could go back. I think back to this one time in middle school where I got all my stuff taken away I remember being in my pink and green room and my dad unplugging my tv and taking it out of my room. That night I started reading . I was obsessed with the princess diaries season and I starting taking more trips to the library and I loved it!

I think about my connection to reading and my wattpad years I was consuming so much information reading. So many books. I would stay up reading all night I would read on the bus I would read at school. It was so crazy and as much as that reality can take you out of the real world it’s nice to feel fully attentive and fully invested in something that isn’t social media necessarily

I think about Kat’s storyline in Euphoria and how so many of us grew up on the internet but the connection with fan fiction and literature literally stands the test of time everything is related and connected.

Moral of the story I’m trying to read more at night and spend less time online.

Something that Is interesting about this situation is how Ive realized that so much trauma has taught me about myself and how even the things that my parents put on me with little thinking that created so much hurt and pain at the time probably benefitted me at the end of the day I think I’m finally getting to the point where I don’t blame them for any of the trauma that I have but at this point I still cant see myself being okay with bringing kids into this world and doing the same thing to them

Back to Euphoria again I recently saw this video of Sydney Sweeney talking about how she got really into cars and how one day she was driving with her mom and her mom made her get out of the car she said you have a flat tire fix it and so she had to fix it and from that minute on she was into cars it made me realize one thats my biggest fear and I need to learn how to change a tire and two how something that probably stressed her out this one instance of uncertainty of being scared led her to finding her passion it was super cool to hear.

I had a really bad week. 

Ive realized that there is no point in staying in style and following fashion trends because everything goes in and out so much it doesn’t even matter like I have never been big on fashion but seeing how many things ive always loved come back in and go back out is crazy

Also women love to make fun of other women for how they dress and how they follow trends or spend their money and I blame the cheugy trend and capitalism the indea of trends relate to the amount of consumption

It leads back to my women are mean thing and it crosses over into so many categories I think about black women and hair trends and how wigs being detectable has become this big conversation and I decided im getting dreads next month and a big reason why is im tired of trying to keep up

Im tired of being embarrassed of new growth, or not knowing what to do with my natural hair and then the capitalism aspect and having to spend so much money monthly or hair maintenance its never-ending and I think having dreads is the first step to defying the demands of being a women in a capitalist country

I once heard if you think something nice about someone you should tell them. I think back to all of the awful things people have said to me and then all of the compliments I have gotten and I think what is cool is that I can remember them both.

I have always been neuro-divergent I get really socially anxious in public and uncomfortable it was really bad when I was a teenager

Once I heard that tidbit I started talking to whoever I saw whoever took my credit card at a fast food restaurant or cash register in a store and complimented them I loved it and every time I did it the person took a breath and smiled or just thought about themselves instead of the job they were working I feel like it reset them and made them feel secure in their choices

Once a friend picked up on it and said you’re so nice you talk to so many people you compliment people and I recited the quote for her

I think back to my anxious times I think my anxiety stemmed from my dad forcing me to be put in situations that I didn’t want to be put in I learned this in therapy and don’t think it was anything crazy it just had to deal with sports

But when I started doing what I wanted to do as an adult and going to places that I was prepared to go to and physically wanted to be in it became so easy to express how I felt about the environment I was in and the people that inhabited it.

I resent my dad for making me so anxious and so scared of everything and everyone for so long but I wonder if I would still compliment people so much if he hadn’t? The butterfly effect I guess.

I think what allows a lot of youtubers to get cancelled is their god complex and them breaking the facade of being flawless people I hate the holier than thou persona that these commentators present instead of just recognizing people at face value and I dont think I am being contradictive because I share my faults on here and literally refer to myself as the former villain

I look at Logan Paul and his rebrand and I think it really stemmed from him admitting to being human and being humble and showing his wins and losses I think podcasts literally humble all influencers because you have to talk for long periods of time and when you are spurring out what’s on your mind you automatically become more human and talk about your struggles and wins I love it

I think about tana mongeaus podcast and as much as I dislike the dynamic when Brooke and hunter cohost it really humbles tana who I would consider an influencer who more frequently tells us how it is although sometimes it almost seems like they are bullying her

I watch a lot of commentary channels and not trying to be mysognistic or anything but when I see the godcomplexes its from men h3, keemstar, idubbz, the dad challenge podcast etc even in h3’s situation it seems like hila is more likely to give the creators they critique the benefit of the doubt instead of constantly shitting on peoples mistakes and what is so interesting about keemstar is Ethan it is suddenly crickets when they are getting called out about their past behaviors of racism and racial slurs

I do applaud Ethan for his Time on frenemies and bringing attention to the controversial behaviors of James Charles and David Dobrik but I wonder if they realize how they come off when they are just constantly shitting and dunking one people all day? And its honestly annoying because these channels like keemstar aren’t even putting their personalities and lives onto the internet their income relies on other people messing up and causing drama

I think about the tea channels and spillsesh on yt and how she doesn’t reveal her face or her name but she became more real on her podcast and it was a nice breath of fresh air to see her talking about ok baby without constantly criticizing kyra

I mentioned idubbz because I think about that situation with tana mongeau a few years ago and how she was getting tons of hate which I understand because her language was appalling but he literally said a slur in like 2016 and it was okay he barely got any hate

He could’ve just questioned her about her actions or tweeted the video there was no reason for him to say the n-word in like 2014.

I think all in all Im getting sick of influencers portray this life that they don’t live I was recently listening to the gals on the go podcast with Brooke miccio and Danielle Carolan and they talked about how they dont document their life when they are eating like shit or doing nothing all day and overall feel bad and I also saw this headline about Bella Hadid saying she feels better when she posts selfies of her crying and I just feel like its important to show that you aren’t perfect all the time

I just wonder about all these impressionable people in these influencers audiences like Keemstar and how they think its okay to talk to people like they aren’t human because they made one mistake no hate to the creators mentioned I just want to see more humble people as internet personalities but that almost seems like an oxymoron

This situation would be a perfect satire movie like don’t look up on how dumb and materialistic and bougie influencers are

I remember logging onto YouTube that night and listening into the spaces and being shocked that these influencers were so easily influenced haha into believing this girls story and how they continued to hang out with her and buy her flights and hotel rooms and food just because she said she didn’t have the money or she left her wallet or something its embarrassing

I would love to know her motive if she was just mentally ill or if she was just bored and wanted to live that life its so crazy how many things become possible because of our access to social media influencers and celebrities anyone can say anything without any supporting information but the idea that you just believe someone is crazy especially considering Sophias lack of social media following and in a lot of these stories she was alone so there is no one to back her up

I didn’t like how the supporting spaces jumped on influencers like Rickey Thompson and Denzel dion for being so mindless but didn’t attack the white influencers like suzy antonyan and Jeff wittek I do wonder if there is any legal action to be taken in this situation with the guy that she robbed or all of the lies she told on Rickey Thompson but I also wondered if she got any influence from media and television because it eerily reminds me of gossip girl and how Dan Humphrey wrote himself into the narrative or like pretty little liars because of her awful lies

I think something that needs to be controlled more in LA is how much information these youtbers reveal it makes me wonder how many fans have just shown up to events these influencer were at to infiltrate the friend group it reminds me of all of these influencers that become influencers by befreinding someone with a lot of popularity its so weird and scary and it reminds me of how calculated influencers can be to thrive in the space it reminds me of like the negative stereotypes of gold diggers

Surviving Sophia is crazy and influencers should be a little bit more careful with who they trust

So many things that we do well are because we have done them before. I think about love and relationships with such a weird view. Growing up as the single friend. The fat friend. The tall friend. The black friend. The weird friend. I was always giving my advice but sometimes I feel gaslit into thinking it would never be right or helpful because I had never been in my friends relationship heavy position. It’s hard to be around friends who fit most of the aspects of the beauty standard and not feel subpar and constantly want to change you how you appear to others especially men as a growing adolescent.

I can’t help but thinking of my status as a late bloomer in love and how it really impacts all aspects of my life. Communication, Love, and even Physical Touch. I heard the take recently about how its more likely for late bloomers like myself to end up in relationships with narcissistic partners. I couldn’t help but not get it. When I think of the perpetually single person I think of so many things so many characteristics. Desperate, Self-Aware, Great at People Reading etc. I don’t know as someone who stands out so much with what is adored by men and the world you start to really see people for who you are.

I have a secret. I enjoy fulfilling the facade that I will never be able to live in real life, the sweet girl. Listening to my voice right now you probably are envisioning someone who looks nothing like me like if you disregard anything I’d ever tell you about how I look. I will never be perceived or talked to as a feminine woman because of my height and features and because I never get to feel that in real life I play into that especially on phone calls because of my name and voice . I like becoming this woman that I dont get to be in person when on the phone and I know that sounds so weird but I feel like I can almost be who I wish I was in real life. Someone who fits in. I get so sick of standing out and I think I act the same in both situations I just get treated the way I wish I was and this brings me back to the narcissistic relationship thing..

It makes sense because you are so used to people not caring about you because they aren’t attracted to you that when someone seems to care about you you get to obsessed with them to the point where you want to make sure they are always okay because they cared about you a little bit or showed interest in you I don’t know if that makes sense..

As a late bloomer one day this summer I became completely over it. I had gone my whole life without even a kiss from someone I was embarrassed that I graduated college without a first kiss or more so I got really desperate and embarrassed and I went on tinder and did everything too early. And I regretted it so much.

My question is what advice can I not give? What assumptions am I making that have no base? But importantly what am I missing that it seems like everyone else I come into contact has. My singleness is a running joke in my immediate family and it’s hard not to look at it as a fault when you know that’s what everyone else is thinking.

Late bloomers and incels are so completely different but stem from the same thing lack of sexual or romantic connection. The podcast men are always saying its so easy for women to have sex and etc. I’d love to see them go head to toe via podcast with the female late bloomer army. I know why they say it because they don’t even look at woman who don’t fit the beauty standard as humans.

Shoutout to Brittany Renner on the fresh and fit podcast she put those misogynistic insecure brainless men in their place and every single one of them and their followers deserved it.

Something that really upsets me about what has happened with Trisha Paytas is how H3 fans and Ethan started this hate mob against her after giving a platform to her for so long

I actually kind of despise Ethan and I think that he exploited Trisha a lot during frenemies He created an environment that allowed her to get triggered tremendously and to me it was obvious he only started the podcast for money everything he does is fueled by money and engagement and you could say all the same things about Trisha Paytas 

which is true because they honestly are so similar

What makes me so upset about this situation is that Trisha never deleted videos or hid her past prior to this past year and it makes me wonder what pushed her to do so

I hated that frenemies is what caused people to cancel her and not her racist, and ignorant past I think because I watched her so long and was aware of her trolling I never looked at that stuff as real but she’s so complex I literally never know when she is telling the truth or not

I think about when she was drugged out and I was like a teenager watching her videos and not even knowing she was high

But then I think about how when she came out as transgender and everyone cancelled her but in the next few years being gender fluid became really popular and she just honestly didn’t have a term for gender dysphoria I think a lot of her cancellation come from her ignorance and of course at 33 she should be able to convey her thoughts clearly but I do wonder how many things she has done without malicious intent and has been met with a ton of criticism

I think I honestly see myself in Trisha and not in a good way I think about what happened with her and the DID community and how when people said she wasnt being serious she turned to harshly trolling and therefore upsetting and entire community she has like this temper and she fires back so quickly without thinking about who she harms in the process I think about when she outed her boyfriend Sean Vanderwilt after receiving text messages that he was at a gay club

Trisha Paytas has now realized how awful all of her prior behaviors are but she expects people to just up and forget them and instead of people having serious questions about her being genuine she critiques her criticizers as rude and people who dont have a positive outlook on life and it is super distasteful considering she was there not that long ago

I think the best thing she could have done in this situation is just apologize for her past and say I understand the people who dont believe I have good intentions because of my past but I will continue to prove to my audience that I have changed and thoroughly regret my past decisions

It reminds me of her begging ethan to stop talking about her and even though I agree he went too far her responding only escalated the situation heightened the amount of video responses and allowed her to get critiqued more the best response to that situation was to just leave the internet for a small amount of time

Its honestly embarrassing to see her downfall and then see her feeding the hat on tiktok with trolling and talking about how she loves money when she is trying to be this spiritual enlightenment type personality it doesn’t make sense

I try to watch her content sometimes to keep up but its just sad I got a really bad taste in my mouth when she was dipping into different religions without any knowledge of what is and isn’t appropriate and when she started talking about manifesting after being given properties as a teenager and sitting inside of a 2 million dollar house its just distasteful

I cant imagine how these behaviors effect those born into these religions and communities and cultures and it reminds me of when she wore this awful braided wig a few years ago and refused to apologize to the black community and understand how offensive it was