I have been so jealous of people my age lately people living at home and having the option of choosing what they do for work and not necessarily needing a job. I feel so stuck with working and supporting myself that like there is no way out and at the same time I dont want their to be. I dont want to go home ,but I want to feel free and happy. I want to have a non-corporate job where I feel fulfilled and can take life at my own place. I just want to be able to properly pivot.

I dont even think my ideal side hustle takes me away from having a full time job.it just makes me motivated to get a check or something. im not doing well mentally right now and I think it mainly has to deal with the pandemic and the weather. I am trapped in my apartment where I work and live and all I really want to do is just chill and vibe

And I feel so lazy. I have recently seen so many bad things about my astrological signs and I dont know why its impacting me so much. something referring to my natal houses and saying I have a lack of ambition and then the standard label of a lazy taurus and then the pairing on my sun and rising sign as egotistical and I just feel like set up to fail by my zodiac but I know that I am a hard worker when I am passionate about something

But right now I cant help but just feel defeated and depressed

Lack of music ——

Trinity said in here most recent video that the world profits off of self-hate and it reminded me so much of my hair journey

I have spent so much time deciding what hairstyle is right for me and what I want to do with it and what hairstyle makes me the must confident but this world literally profits off of self hate and the hair industry is booming and I think of myself as an adolescent getting hair extensions in order to feed my insecurity of having short hair but I said once the strongest thing I can do is live in an untouched body and maybe my dread journey is that.. i started a new job I am planning a move and at this point why not try it? I can always change my mind…

Learning you have to beat capitalism because capitalist people thrive off of anti-capitalist people I heard this take on tiktok and it finally made me feel okay for having a 9-5 and switching jobs to make more money until the revolution starts I should hustle and make money and the creator who had this thought in her video talked about how its what you do to that money that defies you from capitalist people and I think I am an example of that I always overtip and overspend and try to give back to the economy and marginalized people with my purchases instead of not working and stuff I dont know if that makes sense but that made me feel really good

Ive felt so trapped with the weather but I can see my food habits looking up by cooking at home and I feel a lot better its something I want to keep on doing Im keen on convenience but being trapped in my apartment working, living, sleeping I have really been able to create a work like balance that I think is crating a routine that I quite like I have an office set up and a night set up that are a completely different ambience and I kind of actually feel like I went somewhere to work because the vibe feels so different the only thing is because of the weather I feel more isolated but I think I am really happy to be able to work from home on Fridays and work from home for this month its something I wasnt even able to do at my last job I enjoy remote work

my dad has always been obsessed with playing the lottery and i can’t even imagine the amount of money he has put into it over the years of his life

it’s just so fucked up and another awful example of capitalism at its finest making people believe that as long as they keep trying the luck will come to them one day it’s really scary

these people are the lottery they are the big check the people who’s lives have drastically changed and hope that their lives will as well it’s a dream that most people will never fuflll and it seems like these people who pray and wish the most are always given the least

i think about the hbo documentary about the mcdonald’s monopoly and how we live in a society where we are so constantly desperate for wealth desperate for money it’s embarrassing and not on these people not on the lottery players not even the people embezzling money and feeling like they have to steal it’s embarrassing that our government has created this environment that forces us to fight to be able to afford to live and it’s become second nature to become work horses and greedy people who look down on people who don’t work as hard or have enough money as us.

the lottery is just an example of the fucked up things that capitalism has created and i hope i hope one day all of this shit will be dismantled and we won’t have to work so hard in order to just survive.. because as much as many would dare to disagree i believe surviving is enough.

Again as I said before I was a huge one direction fan as a teenager and I followed a lot of people in the fandom I want to throw up saying that for some reason anyway I was thinking about some of the influencers who I found through one direction or people who were fans of similar people to me like

Sarah baska

Imnotsavana

Thatsojack

Amandabb

Emmy hartman

This whole conversation came up because of Emmy releasing music and I stopped and thought thats so crazy how influencer can easily slide into the music space but I do wonder if there is a cap where stands can only reach a certain point of fame and it also makes me wonder if the personality has to scale down their involvement in a fandom to garner success

I think of lil nas x and how his stance is different because he wanted to wait to come out

But like I wonder if that wasnt the only reason I once saw a tweet of men storming a stadium in the uk for a football game and the person said if this was bts fans they would be called crazy teenage girls and I was like that is so true teenage girls are looked at as boy crazy and immature when grown men do the same in response to sports its so wild

But what I realized after that is how difficult it is for people of color to truly rule a space I think of mocha grandes black Ariana Grande fans and all of the viral vines I saw back in the day of people of color supporting one direction and how difficult it was for them to excel in the influencer world as person of color who has always wanted to be in the space its hard to feel like I fit and it makes me mad because I think of some of my favorite black creators like Jackie aina and the amount of criticism they get constantly for literally just being affluent and luxurious unapologetically and then I think of all of my favorite black commentary youtbers like as told by Kenya and amandadabb and how they were pitted against each other for a while its like society deemed that a small number of black people are allowed in the space and now every one is fighting to be that one person inside instead of bringing everyone up with them and its not even the influencers doing it

I think about Issa rae and now Quinta Brunson who are always bringing people up with them especially those In marginalized communities to win

When they say black people have to try ex harder I cant help but think that thats so true

As I have said previously I used to watch a lot of family bloggers but I didn’t really touch on my issues with family vlogging so lets talk about It here

My main issue is that the parents job and following and income is based solely off of their kids and their kids aren’t given compensation and they dont have any college funds set up for them their are no child labor laws enacted to protect these children

I also feel like the consent that most parents dont even have from these kids doesn’t even really mean anything and this is only when it comes to them agreeing to participate in social media related things these parents could easily manipulate these children into doing things like I recently saw a tiktok by a creator who is kind of leading the revolution on tiktok which I have issues with how she’s going about it but thats not the point she talked about how jessfam pays her kids to participate in videos and it made me think about how many times she would bribe her children to include things in videos since she has shown in the past how motivated they are by money

These kids have no privacy I think of ok baby a channel I discussed previously and how they expose way too much information to the public about their kids lives I think about when they did a room switch for their eldest daughter and had her living in the basement by herself they literally told their million followers this I just thought it was a bad look

These kids dont get to grow up and just be kids I think about how I felt as a teenager or preteen when my parents would bring up embarrassing and funny anecdotes of my childhood and how maybe they’ll take a picture of an embarrassing picture and send it to me to be funny these kids have videos of them that will be online forever that their friends or bullies can use against them for the rest of their lives I think of the parents who document their children potty training or personal details about how the children were conceived like being via adoption or ivf the whole world has access to this child’s upbringing and a newborn cant consent to anything

Something I see a lot of the anti family vloggers talk about is the instagram accounts and the amount of people who have access to basic information about these subjected children their names, ages, birthdays, literal memories that these kids have strangers can restate to them I just thought about how fucked uo that is

The break up videos as well in terms of ok baby and comments oh my god comments I think of all the people who were referring to kyra as awful names in their breakup video and honestly I feel a little hypocritical on this one with some of the things I said about Oscar but I didn’t directly call him any name their children in the span of a few years will be able to see all of those awful comments and speculation about their parents breakup the amount of trauma inflicted onto these children is MASSIVE and all for the parents to have an easy avenue to money its embarrassing and I applaud the parents who realized this information and took their families off of the internet.

These parents need to be held responsible for the trauma they will inflict on these children.

I was watching cheer on Netflix and it reminded me of so many causes that I am severely passionate as I have said previously the culture around competitive professional sports is awful

What cheer really highlighted to me is how atheletes bodies are pushed to do things that they dont do naturally when the trinity superstar started jumping and flipping and was called the cheer Simone biles I totally expected to say that one and two I was scared I think this season showed a lot less injuries compared to the first season and I think that is due to the criticism it was so scary it reminds me so much of gymnastics which is so glamorized in the olympics as a sport but puts awful strain on bodies

The cheerleaders are so obsessed with reaching these goals checking these boxes of winning and being praised for pushing their bodies to the next level this idea of being the best and being a hard worker its really scary to me because they are taught to not really listen to their bodies or even put their bodies first

It reminds me again of the Colin kapepernick quote about how when you are tying out for teams its like a slave auction the way they describe the atheletes and what they can do with their bodies its literally like they aren’t human and its like all of the comparisons they make to the athletes are of animals and other non human things its so fucked up

Its like trauma bonding in cheer they constantly talk about the bond and the family they create and I feel like thats because they are put in hell constantly the episode this season of cheer where they are going full out and people are like sliding in sweat and taking turns puking is sick and disgusting and as much as I think Monica and other coaches did get a lot of unnecessary criticism I dont believe any coach should make their athletes continue to compete while hurt

The only way I can describe the experience is like trauma, Stockholm syndrome and a tad of brainwashing like someone telling you something is okay when its not and he only reason I say that is because of peoples reaction to jerry Harris and his controversy

One little thing that I picked up on during the jerry episode is that he still has a group of people behind him like that their were cheer moms that were going to house him while he awaited trial it was kind of disgusting and disturbing and it made me wonder how many of those moms had minors in their house that they would’ve been subjecting to an alleged sexual defender

I think this is another example of the toxicity of professional sports you see in cheer season two the cheerleaders from Navarro gain this celebrity status and in some cases god complexes which I would say about how they portrayed jerry and how it made it easier for him to feel like he had power to abuse which he did

You see the Navarro athletes start to see themselves as a brand and ive learned recently how toxic that is and you the cheerleaders take that competitive work horse work ethic from cheerleading and apply it to their so called brand

Doing so many appearances and cameos and sponsorships no offense no wonder they lost in Daytona their coach was on fucking dancing with the starts for weeks!! And this is no offense to her but its just another example of overworking and capitalism these children are at a community college these coaches weren’t making any money and now they have an avenue to be set uo for life of course they are going to take it but at what cost? When it taxes your body and your mental health is your life with this excess of money really that much better than your life below and I think this whole conversation translates to nba and nfl athletes as well when do they rest?

I love to ponder its one of my favorite pass times and I wanted to compile a list of questions I would ask someone I love in hopes that maybe ill manifest them into my life im joking but honestly I would love to know

On one of my previous episodes I talked about my perfect day in terms of a holiday I think I would want to ask my partner what their perfect day looks like in different settings or holidays like what does your perfect day look like on thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday, in different seasons?

I think this question could be important for a variety of reasons it would allow the partner asking to always know the little things that could cheer up their partner when they are in a bad mood or when the other person just wanted to do something nice for the other person

what memory do you have that you think defined yourself finding your sexuality like that moment when you were like gagged or jaw dropping over someone or it all just clicked? i think of this interview of calum hood and i don’t exactly remember what the question was but he talks about how he was in love with scary spice you’d think this question would be a set up for them to talk about meeting you but that’s not what i would want to know… i want to know about your first crazy crush as a teenager the memories that make you embarrassed and blush i feel like it makes people so much more human i always glamorize people and put them on this pedestal like everyone i meet is automatically ahead of me in every aspect ever i feel like if i had a partner i would want to know every little thing about them and i know that probably sounds creepy but i just love knowing information and i feel like this question could really make a lot of things about another person make sense

what is your favorite tv show and why okay this sounds so surface level but the amount of information this could reveal about someone is crazy i was hooking up with this guy and we were talking about new girl a great show definitely one of my favorites and he said jess was annoying red flag turn off i feel like someone’s favorite show in this generation is SO important there are so many shows out there and shitty ones at that so it makes it easier to judge someone’s bad tv opinions this question would obviously have 800 follow up questions why is it your favorite is it the setting, the plot, the characters, the post production, like i feel like analyzing that would be so fun for me and you’d really get to know their opinion

a follow up question would maybe be what movie do you think you could direct flawlessly I NEED them to ask this on that youtube actors on actors show oh my god the answers would fill my soul with happiness anyways i think this would be another eye opener i feel like the movie i would be able to direct the best would relate to an even that happened in my life i think i would best direct a coming of age movie like ladybird, or edge of seventeen, or i would direct a coming of age story that i wish was my situation by asking why they chose that movie or film it either creates dialogue for a situation near and dear to their heart or something they wish they could have lived i think that also could show how their mind wanders and daydreams which is eye opening as well

The more and more I watch this situation unfold the more I truly wonder if I am crazy for my opinion!! Kyra is continuing to get hate and Oscar is going out unscathed its kind of making me upset not that I wish for him to receive hate but how I see people are starting to see them as this picture perfect couple now

The biggest comment that I saw on Kyras part were people saying you make it work for the kids like you have a family and as a person who grew up with parents who were constantly fighting and pretty much hating each other its not worth it it makes it worse for the kids its better for the parents to be happy in the end and the basis of revolving your life solely around your kids to the point where you don’t do what will help you be healthy and happy is such an awful idea and will allow you to resent your kids in the future for literally just having them

The dad challenge podcast really irked me the wrong way and ill make some points later

a lot of people also referred to them as married when discussing the situation they were never married and kyra practically begged Oscar to give her a ring which in my opinion is a set-up for failure they constantly pushed off the wedding as well which I feel like would lead to some resentment on her side because she had always wanted to be married there is no paper tying them together they can literally do whatever they please I hate that people kept on saying go to marriage counseling like stick it out they never touched on that and you cant force someone to fix a relationship they want to leave

The dad challenge podcast really irked me the wrong way and ill make some points he said that kyra and Oscar weren’t compatible which is true and then he is making these claims that she asked for an open marriage like what are you talking about he was super mysoginistic and sticking up for Oscar when he hadn’t even opened his mouth yet what actually makes me the most mad in this situation is the cheating thing

The fact that kyra emotionally cheated on Oscar revealed the squalls in their relationship he wasnt supporting her emotionally show she looked elsewhere instead of denying that feeling or hiding it or making it work she realized that as a teen mom who has been trapped in a relationship for 7 years she doesn’t really know what she values in a partner or what she wants in life she touched base in an instagram video about how she would be interested in being with a woman she hasn’t even had time to find her sexuality and people could say oh but she’s a mom she has kids whatever but she was also a child and thats a lot to take on

I see a common thread in teen mom family vloggers when the moms eldest baby gets to toddler stage where the mom does like a big change in appearance and style in hopes to find themselves throughout the mom lens I feel like its so drastic and sudden because they have no free time so when there is that hair appointment or that shopping spree they jump on a full blown out change and I feel like kyra honestly took this approach with her relationship and I dont blame her for doing so

Both parents need to deserve some graace they literally were thrown into this by having kids at such a young age but kyra isn’t some villain for being immature and not knowing what she wants in a relationship she is a young mother who didn’t get the chance to properly grow up too and I think its good that this is happening while they are so young and for both of them to really find themselves as individuals

because i never would describe my situation as that but after hearing that i realized i have the luxury of really doing whatever the fuck i want

i can feel my happiness coming back and i can’t wait for the weather to get better and to move and customize a new space and really start living the life i am manifesting

grocery shopping while living alone and being able to buy a starbucks tumbler cup and contemplating buying a drink fridge made me realize my privilege

I feel like there is a white language that I will never fully be able to speak like I will never be there and either I am just not smart enough or close enough to whiteness to understand it or am I not made to speak it

White supremacy is engrained into everything and I cant help but feel as much as I grow there is something I am missing especially in the workforce I think its the ability to flawlessly execute nepotism

When someone with that level or privilege displays interest in a field or a career they automatically have a connection or a means of getting a connection that field or career I think about the amount of nepotism babies in Hollywood and how having a parent tangent to that field or well within it allows for a childhood full of job experience a chance to be bilingual in a language someone without that privilege will not see until they are older …..

Everything is a race and although I have been able to cut a lot of corners I can still see many tortoises ahead of me if you know what I mean.

how being passionate about something takes away anxiety and negative feelings

i have been obsessed with euphoria lately watching interviews of the cast and i watched this interview of zendaya with issa rae and she starts talking about how she’s an introvert and a loner and shy and it made me think about how different zendaya was during dune promo versus euphoria and spider-man there is this one video of zenday talking with an interviewer dominic fike and hunter schafer and she’s so confident and talks about euphoria so deeply and she just seems so focused and attached to it and i think it just reminds me of myself in the way that i am super anxious and not confident but when there is something i am passionate about i could talk about it strongly and with no care in the world because my thoughts on it are so analyzed and clear it made me wonder how cool it would be to be in her position on euphoria as an executive director and leading actress she is so close to the work it seems like she has so much care and love for the work and i think of that meme of her with timothee chálamet and the comfortablity she had with her spider man counterparts versus him i don’t know how to describe it but i really admire it and if i took anything away from that i realized i want to have that passion with everything that i do in life and i how i feel like i rarely ever actually have that feeling

be careful what you wish for

realizing how your manifestions don’t necessarily come with instructions

when you get content with being alone

the need for a partner as a woman

my insecurities and what they prevent me from doing

time, money, access, and support creates talented people and capitalism destroys the ability to find talent

white fragility

i’m a bad friend because i don’t overshare?

when you get so preoccupied on the little things you don’t get a chance to look from the outside…