job woes, the great resignation, moving, post grad depression, climate change, succession, nepotism, covid 19 pandemic, imposter syndrome, animals vs humans, whiteness in the workplace, empathy vs sympathy, perspective understanding different dynamics, settling down marriage and kids, traditional values, strength, single woman, office dynamics , capitalism, the facade of happiness

when someone else’s stalking becomes your obsession | things on my depressed mind

i hate being perceived but i also hate being watched i used to always stare at people until i realized how uncomfortable it makes me

i feel like as women we are forced to handle being uncomfortable around men but i have gotten to the point where i don’t know if i can take it anymore i can feel someone’s presence behind me at all times and the anxiety starts slowly making its way up my bodies

i’m done

have you ever get like someone is watching you? tapped your phone? is so obsessed with you the point where it controls your life? like someone else stalking becomes your obsession. it’s awful.

Growing up in a college town I think I had a weird view of a lot of things, alcohol, partying, the college experience, and more

but this one is definitely the worst

As a young child and adolescent I watched as many women went missing in my town and surrounding town the women were killed and sexually abused or physically assaulted some not found for long periods of time and when I went to college and realized everyone didn’t know about what happened to these women and these awful stories and my experience growing up wasn’t a monolith I realized that seeing these tragic events at such a young age most likely had an impact on my peers and I

I have peers that fully look into every situation they are so anxious when out in public it is intoxicating and I think I suffer from this also I feel like I cant let my guard down and have fun because of these awful situations

I wonder what would happen if I found a partner that I really loved who began to abuse me would I be able to escape would I prevail? Or would I end up missing as well? As a person of color my opinion on this topic is different because if I was gone would people even know?

Its always worrying about what everyone else is doing not knowing if they are abusers or rapists or not

like you have to fully know the people you are around at all times it only takes one time for something awful to happen and you become changed forever

It seems like after experiencing any level of sexual assault your innocence is shattered I know it happened to me its hard to look at the world the same way after an event like that

We need to believe women and believe their stories

The hit show you on Netflix highlights how quick society is to give platforms to the families of white missing victims but crickets for the poc, black women, indigenous women, lgbt people it is insane

Olyuwatin

I remember being shocked hearing about Oluwatoyin Salau in 2020 she was as activist who was sexually assaulted and then killed her media presence came with a lot of backlash and negativity and its so sad to see how her story ended

I think this podcast opens up the conversation for something deeper and how sexual assault is handled on campuses and by cities as a Virginia Tech graduate I saw the march last year for survivors and how many women and men felt like they didn’t have a voice at our university and just wondering what couldve been prevented if people felt they had the space to speak up

I don’t want to hear another missing person story I don’t want to see people hypothesizing on tik tok about it or making it their new obsession on their crime podcast I am not trying to be hypocritical either I think this is a serious issue that needs to be prevented

For those suffering with domestic abuse and abusive relationships know that someone is always there to help there are multiple hotlines and I am here for you. I hear you also. stay safe.

Too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing at all and I feel like we live in a society where we constantly want more I know I have this problem like I love furniture and food and have this really obsessive personality like this year I got really obsessed with candles and incense because I was never allowed to light anything as a child and in order to make up for all of those candle less years I would on average have 20 candles burning in my apartment at what time it was so fucking insane but It was just a like coping mechanism ive dialed it down now but I do think on that time like I was an insane monster

I keep on reading about your twenties and being isolated after graduating college and I never thought I would relate to that

I consistently isolated myself during college and put myself into my work

I didn’t think I could ever feel more alone I think before I had the cushion of still having friends and acquaintances around and being able to do whatever and spontaneous activities

But being stuck in the same college town and everyone you know being long gone is so much more horrifying your rocks have been skipped out and you are just waiting to find someone else you deem your person

You don’t want to do the same things you did in college and fall back into those old habits

It almost seems like moving home would be easier

But im not im just going to move away

I wasnt really happy while I was here during school and im not going to be happy after I cant fall in love with a city I never loved

So many things have been happening recently that have made me incite my teenage angst and hatred towards conservatives

I remember being a little girl and my dad explaining the difference between democrats and republicans he said one group cares about other people and everyone achieving a goal and giving back to others and the other cares about themself and furthering themselves he probably said something way more put together but thats how I took it and from that day on I never understood conservatives

These beliefs extended to my teenage years when I refused to befriend republicans started calling people who I knew were trumpies white supremacists and just being so angry I was so angry when trump won something about politics really gets me moving im so passionate about it and here comes another one of my contradictions

I don’t vote

Im so passionate about my views I am not trying to hurt anyones feeling or belittle them but I cant help but just think of the people who oppose these views as so privileged and selfish and im not saying that If I had those privileges my views would be the same but as someone who is marginalized I cant stop thinking about how their ideals somehow compromise my existence literally with gun control and the police

There’s something about forbidden love

I have been binge watching a ton of tv to get over how fucked up my life is and I realized something. It almost seems like in our world nothing can just be perfect there is always a flaw. Timing is always wrong, location is wrong, societal pressure nothing ever works out correctly but both people feel it both people feel that love.

I think I love forbidden love because there is so much passion and feeling in that release in that sexual tension and realizing what has happened needs to end to me that forbidden love is kind of perfect

Monogomy seems so disgusting and difficult realizing how difficult it is to not lose a spark its like setting a fire you know you are going to have to relight soon but also knowing you will be too lazy to do it

Maybe I am just a pessimist and there are millions of partners living out their perfect love story but in my dark eyes nothing is perfect. And thats okay too.

I had this awful experience at work today I was crying and repeatedly softly smacking myself in the face and tapping my legs because I was so upset and nervous I just over think so much and I can never tell when it is my correct intuitiveness or when I am just overthinking today what threw me off was one of my coworkers entered and told another employee he had hot gossip and then pulled him aside to tell him what it is im so anxious at my job but I had made it up in my head that he had met someone I know and they told them information about me like how insane is that but in my head it made sense so every bad thing the I have ever said or done rushed and flooded through my mind and everything I wished someone else wouldn’t know came to my head I don’t know what happened but I knew it pushed me over the edge I was just on edge I cant stop thinking about becoming the office anecdote the weird hire and all I could think in that moment is I need to get out of here

Sometimes I think my mind is against me the way it works this past week I haven’t been able to turn it off it just keeps going and going and I get so sad and worried and I find myself physically telling my brain to stop like turn off I actually just had a spell of this and I was just trying to tell myself its not that bad its okay

I was thinking this today my mind is like a movie constantly playing but instead of like a normal plot that progresses its the worst things I have ever said or the worst things that have ever happened to me playing over and over again and I cant stop it I found that I try to shut my brain off by stimulating it with podcasts and tv and social media but ive realized recently one medium of those choices sometimes cant turn it off its just hard :(

When I was at home there was a movie on the tv and the woman says she’s just a washed up maiden because she’s single at 26 thats how I feel like others treat me

The whole time I got picked on

And thats not the point

The point is I was just trying to have a happy holiday and it turned out to be the holiday from hell.

This album is one of my all time favorites there is so much about it that I love and I hope I can vocalize it properly because it did something to me! I remember putting it on YouTube the whole album was in one video and I listened to it over and over while doing an AP history project I remember not having much male interaction when I was younger and I just had all these feelings for my crushes that I never voiced and for some reason some of the ballads in this album voiced them for me