I was supposed to upload this video about hamza tomorrow but what he posted today inspired me to post it today

im embarrassed to say this but i consume a lot of content but i have never found myself in this situation i subscribed to this guy after watching one video and i didn’t even realize who his content was for or what he did i think i was swooned because he was so attractive and had a nice voice but i got humbled real quick because his content is definitely lot geared towards me

anyways i know that i need to diversify the content i watch and i feel like i could learn a lot for him but i was shocked first off he’s the first creator i’ve ever seen refer to the gender when making videos it’s like he assumes no women watch him when i’m very much a woman watching him so it feels like i’m listening in on a conversation i wasn’t invited to but after listening to his videos for a week i quickly gathered this

he preaches the idea of having a serotonin detox, living below your means, starting your own business, quitting school, retiring your parents, taking care of your body etc. he’s like the stereotypical entrepreneur man who believes that with a change of mindset and a work ethic you can amount to anything and it’s kind of beautiful because he is so out of touch which most men are but it’s honestly something i want to embody

he makes so many references to this thing called jeffry brain which i don’t know his definition but to me it’s literally that song thinking with my dick like doing things for your comfort instead of bettering yourself and in one of his recent videos he honed in on just making yourself do things and not listening to your brain that wants you to stay comfortable and i really liked that advice

he like talks down on those working in corporate jobs and those who are overweight and overworked and i wonder what his thoughts on capitalism and the fact that most likely at the end of the day he wouldn’t be able to be an entrepreneur if there weren’t people in the corporate world and how fucked up it is to feed this narrative of being an entrepreneur is better than working in the corporate world for every single person when that’s physically not true or possible and this is all with me agreeing with his idea of business and what it can do for you but like he’s missing some pieces and he doesn’t claim to have them all

i want to know why he is so obsessed with the manly image and like why he directs his videos towards men? women can have a business?

i’ve been so obsessed with the differences in male and female thought patterns mostly due to this tiktoker lipglosssss who constantly talks about feeling like she was meant to be a dude and have that power and in a sense i feel the same way sometimes i just want to grind and like be at the top and i think that’s why i butt heads with men in general but it’s just like at the end of the day it’s so crazy to see how the world has allowed men to act and think they seem to have no barriers in their way school is a social construct to them it’s something they don’t need to do to be successful and women are the most college educated and still make less to a dollar i don’t know im gonna keep on watching the dude when i feel inspired to do it but if he’s listening to this i’d love to know why he thinks no females are listening?

I have been wanting to talk about respectability politics for a while and now i feel like i have the perfect reason to when i found about will smiths smack at the oscar’s i was speechless which i don’t find myself being often like i had no words really no strong opinion i was just shocked and i went online and i saw take after take and i was like does no one feel what i feel? like nothing

i think it’s because i’ve been slapped in the face multiple times so it’s just not shocking to me like it’s not some crazy thing and maybe that is sad but it’s honestly just real

but it did bring up a conversation i have a lot of opinions on respectability politics

i have to admit i was a bit upset when i realized it happened because i knew what would unfold a lot of nothing a lot of white outrage, demonizing, and racism just anti blackness in general

growing up black in america you always know there is a way to act and speak in front of white people

you don’t give them the chance to call you out of your name, you code switch, you try to be on your best behavior and it’s so sad because all of this sounds like we are living in fucking slavery like we will never be free

but sadly because of these people who were so excited to demonize black people and compare them to animals, and aggressive and big and say awful things like judd apatow implying that will smith could’ve killed him and ethan klein implying that sense he slapped chris he abuses his wife i feel a cage put up more than ever

there are events like this that happen in history that change the trajectory of black peoples lives that change how they feel like they can respond im profesional settings things like this the election of 2016 etc a feeling of fear

because of will smith protecting his wives racists will look at all of us as abusers and someone who doesn’t know how to control anger they can’t separate one person from an entire race how small their brains are sadly but that’s not the only thing

this all leads back to a black womens pride being diminished

respectability politics and hair jada doesn’t look the part anymore after suffering from her condition and chris poked at something she can not change and something that probably haunts her every day the loss of her hair and that’s not something the majority of white people or women can understand white men bald all the time and they don’t lose respectability or status at all in the workforce hell it might them seem even more mature and better suited for a job but not us

we face micro aggressions and discrimination because of our hair everyday it’s the reason that the crown act is alive and fighting to help women each day their are all of these discussions around black women and fake hair but why not the discussion around why we don’t feel comfortable with our natural hair what about the fact that the woman decides to take her disease by the balls and defy society’s standards and just go bald and not take that as an opportunity to not make a cheap joke about it?

i once heard to never comment on someone’s appearance unless they can fix that thing in 5 seconds or less. maybe that should be directed at jokes as well chris rock.

to anyone listening it’s okay to not have side picked on the smack debate i don’t really have one either. but also it’s okay to breathe, live your life, love your hair and body and never be embarrassed because of who you are you are a light in every community you are apart of.

thank you for listening. and love to all struggling with alopecia.

i know i talk about myself a lot on this podcast because it’s literally just about me and my interests and the things i learn by just living but episodes like this one i hope that by sharing things that happen to me or things that i think about i can help those listening become more enlightened to their own thoughts and be that voice who understands what someone else is going through or thinking in their heads it’s like thinking as a group instead of an individual i consume a lot of media so at least i always have some references hah but i think of the teacher who does wordle everyday with her students and how those kids help each other and give creative ideas and they like always get it

I don’t want to write these entries solely for myself when I can put them out there and let them find those who need them to if there’s anything i’ve learned from this is how much I hate being alone in my thoughts and even the process of saying them outloud while recording the podcast its really helped me

but anyways i have always looked at covid from a positive outlook and the time during lockdown as something that helped me learn a lot about myself without dismissing the fact that over a million people died from it like trying to see the good things it may have inspired in the world which isn’t many but I woke up this morning and just felt like driving I went to McDonalds got a coffee love that shit but I was like the music im listening to doesn’t feel right like I need something I barely remember and I fall in love with again so I closed my eyes and scrolled

I am a spotify addict ive talked about it before but I used to be a gatekeepy music obsessed btich I would make monthly playlists and I recently started doing it again so I know what I was listening to every month from like 2015 to 2020 I found my best of 2019 playlist and it dawned on me who I was during that time and the concerts I went to and the differences in music now versus then it was so much better

I was so confident in 2019 and just fun I was always trying to go to a concert and just be outside and I realized I lost that from covid, I lost the friendships of people who I found through music and that concert feeling and I really missed it this music this playlist brought back so many feelings so many ideas so many days that I forgot about so many vacations and it was when I was really deep in posting on YouTube and then I stopped and realized

I am moving in a few months and this is all possible again I feel like reminiscing on your pre-covid life is very different than living in the past due to the fact that it was because of a pandemic like something more out of your control like the feeling of regret really isn’t there but the feeling of what if is

Anyways realizing that I am moving to a city or an area where I used to go to concerts and where I can take vacations similar to those I was thinking about in the car today was so eye opening I was thinking of all the vlogs and videos I could film and just to get reinspired and I was just super excited

Anyway it is also important to think about what covid gave you as well I think about how much ive worked from home this year and how I have found hobbies and things I probably would have never picked up if not due to the pandemic I also feel like I understand my loneliness more and just how I feel about things and again it brings me back to friends and the friendships ive lost and how much I have changed and maybe some of the people I have grew apart from have to anyways I know its hard for things to look like they are looking up due to the current political climate, physical climate and all but I think I finally found a reason to hold on.

Thank you for listening. And maybe take a trip down memory lane with your music I bet you would be surprised with how many words and beats you remember.

Tw: so many things it gets a little dark

People say like life is like a rollercoaster because of the ups and downs because of it ending like death but what about the similarity coming from the unexpected uncertainties as well

I keep thinking about how everything I see online is so interconnected how we have to keep going and grinding and hustling at work to make a living when we are living in a complete hell at all times struggling to find balance

Life is anything but balanced it seems I’m either on a manic high or a dark depression and I never know what is ahead of me and its just an uphill battle at all times because even when its good you never know when it will start going downhill

I keep thinking about that word balance and how I wish things in my life could be more even I just keep thinking about the areas where I lack and how great it would be to make a pie chart and just up that percentage

I think of all the people I have seen go through complete hell and keep moving and the people I see fulfill a life of such great fortune for it to either keep expanding or just fade away

If life is a game I question the creator if god is real how does he shell out his battles there are so many factors to the point of just feeling hopeless and letting life pass you by

But back to that rollercoaster I just keep thinking about the end in hopes that it make have been the precursor to a highpoint of my life

It seems like no matter how many good days I have the bad days don’t make it feel that much worth not ending the ride.

So many people fell in love with the first season of bridgerton because of the duke of Hastings and I just can’r relate I love love in general no matter who the character may be but I think I fell in love with the viscount this season

I love literally everything about bridgerton the music, the outfits, the architecture and interior design, the literal filter of the show and then filmography it is beautiful

I’ve talked about in this podcast my obsession with forbidden love and how intense those feeling are and this season played out my fantasy it was also beautiful to see a women of color in a season wide love story I watch shows centered around love all the time primarily reality tv and it isn’t often I see women who I can relate to in a cultural sense falling in love on screen

Something muttered in the last episode surprised me by its relatability when Kate is talking to her mom about feeling like she owed her and had to make her place in the family I couldn’t help but see the relationship with my mom of feeling like you have to prove yourself of be so helpful to the point that you aren’t disowned and looked over or not cared about or loved

The love story was beautiful and it made me upset with the turning red critiques of not being able to relate to the main character which I fully related to in literally almost every manner despite our different cultural backgrounds but to see the compatibility and the connection between Anthony and Kate despite their differences they are so similar

The oldest child syndrome suffering tragedy at a young day and just trying to keep their family afloat it was beautiful to see their two stories coincide when Anthony sees Kate get stung by a bee and almost has a panic attack when Kate talks about how her history with rain storms and her father and how it keeps her up at night

I think this season shows how love really conquers all and its so scary and I think about like neighborhood or town gossip and how regularly instances like this happen and how those who act on forbidden love are exiled and outcast and how just real it really is and how hard it could be to act properly while in that situation it just makes you think different

I look at bridgerton as like so far a fantasy and its crazy to even try to believe that people lived like that caring about love and prestige to this extent the money part is believable as in the rich still marry rich but just like the socialite stay at home mother who isn’t really allowed to work I don’t know it kind of makes me look at our society and think where did we go wrong but also how awful would it feel to live in that society as well

I think about Colin and marina and how lady whistledown or Penelope broke her down with her gossip to the point where she doesn’t believe in fairytales and hearing Kate all season talking about how they should deny their feelings in order to make others happy and whoah so many parallels to the way we live now

It is the perfect show to watch to like take you out of the world you are living in now or if you are lucky make you feel like you are even living in it and I am so excited for future seasons of bridgerton and I hope the whole book series is adapted.

LOVE CONQUERS ALL AND AS CORNY AS THAT SOUNDS I BELIEVE IT

I am also adding penn to my name list I think its so cute I also found myself crying so much this season like it pulled on my drawstrings a little too much like I was just crying constantly and I do not remember doing that season one

I think I just forgot how much I loved bridgerton I didn’t realize it came out two years ago and I just forgot how good it was I restarted season one after season two

the things i would do if i could and what they make me feel like i truly am

my car is my safe space i find out a lot in there about myself it’s where i sing and dance at the top of my lungs it’s where i feel comfortable crying

today i was laying in bed and realized that i just wanted a change of scenery time off social media and just time to truly think of my future i felt stupid for not going to a thrift store this weekend when it’s something i really like to but daylight savings kind of fucked that up anyways i went for a walk and i had my playlist of my favorite music bumping and i just wanted to dance in the middle of the walking trail like full out kind of similarly do what i do in my car and it made me realize i wojldnt do that because i didn’t want to make other people walking uncomfortable but i thought a little deeper and was like what would i do if no one would judge me or i’d i wasn’t living for someone else’s comfort and so many thoughts came to my head and they are problematic i would act like drug addicts probably j would sing and rap in the street and dance and i would probably have public outbursts similar to kanye west and that also creates the question what does that mean about me? and like why don’t i do these things?

like i feel like there is a mentally ill conversation here as well like masking and it’s like what life do we live when we die having lived fully for other peoples comfort i gotta figure that shit out and also why do we think of homeless people or drug attics behavior as unusual and alarming and what does it mean about me if i wish i could do it?

i don’t know if that makes sense but i feel like i’ve always looked at people who display these behaviors differently than others but i had this awful incident where i fell into problematic behaviors towards those who are different than me so it’s like i need to unlearn the behaviors that isolate and deem those who act differently as wrong or not normal enough i don’t know if this makes sense i just need to think about it more i guess but i want to get to the part where i can dance in the street or have my own property where i feel comfortable doing so.. i really like dancing and it’s something i’ve learned recently and i feel like i didn’t do it for so long because of fear of not fitting in or looking cool or normal and that’s sad and scary

i don’t want to die feeling like i lived for other peoples comfort and i think this conversation i have to have with myself will make me realize a lot of myself that i like to keep hidden and not explore or share.

if you have the opportunity or feel comfortable doing so go out and dance in the street!

I am a menace to society

Most days I feel like a evil bitch

I have very bad habits

But nothing has ever EVER made me feel worse than realizing that some of the worst people share a birthday with me.

It was a summer day I was deep in my eating disorder and had sadly turned to looking up YouTube clips of Joe rogan talking about keto something I had done often before and if that doesn’t explain one how bad my eating disorder was and two how down bad i was nothing will

Anyways I stumbled across the podcast clip of Candace Owens explainign why she is conservative and I ended the video more confused and baffled if I remember correctly or even comprehended anything she fucking said she stated that she faced a racist attack at school kids calling her the n words a few white boys with dads who were in high places like a superintendent or some shit and when her parents and I think herself also caused an uproar and like the NAACP was involved it seemed like she was embarrassed of the boys getting in trouble and like not having the freedom to call her slurs and became a conservative I dont know it was so mind boggling honestly

Anyways I was like what is this woman’s sign like I need to know and when I googled her I was shocked

We shared a fucking birthday how could I and Candace Owens share the same date of birth what similarities do we have and the sad thing is I instantly knew them stubborn, mean, and strongly opinionated I am the fucking liberal Candace Owens and that was the worst reality check I have ever received.

I know that your chart runs deeper than that and that doesn’t mean we share any more signs in common but just thinking of numerology, birth date, and sun sign that was enough for me and I don’t even want to read the rest of her chart because I dont want it to scar me any further.

And still as much as I dislike Candace Owens I do have a soft spot for criticisms of her especially from white liberals because it seems like an excuse to be racist like when Noah Cyrus was trying to call her out for her comments about Harry Styles wearing a dress and called her hair nappy so uncalled for? Anyways I was very humbled the day I learned Candace Owens shared my birthdate.

One more occurrence and this one was recent. I wouldn’t consider myself a huge fan of bachelor nation I tune in and I do love a reality tv dating show and train wreck and when I heard that the newest bachelor Clayton was worse than Peter I bit and watched some clips and sadly began to sleuth and was shocked to find out we also share a birthday I am embarrassed and extremely humbled and now realize that I most likely come off as annoying to everyone I encounter and if anyone is listening to this podcast I am sorry you have to hear these pointless stories and thank you for listening.

Also this story highlights the scary part of astrology where you can get so caught up with how other people are a reflection of your sign and there are always people who don’t fit the stereotypes or generalizations of a sign or placement but it doesn’t make all of astrology not true or possibly true I dont know if you are born April 29th im praying for you like why the fuck couldn’t I be born a day later and share a birthday with the kind drew seeley he literally voiced troy bolton in high school musical 1 and 2 I think and that amazing cinderella story remake with Selena Gomez!!!!!!!!!

I have been thinking so much about dating coworkers and like my guilty hopeless romantic pleasures that always end up bad and I love to like dream and fantasize and it takes me to such awful places and allows me to like build up the people I work with and bring them down and I think its because of like all of the rom-coms and fan fiction I read growing up

I think I need to learn like intrusive thoughts versus actual thoughts and desires and just boredom thoughts I cant tell the difference ever but every time I start a new job I look at every guy especially single guy as a possible partner and I dont know why and I dont know why I cant stop doing it

And the funniest thing about it is over time they share themselves and their personality and I began to literally hate them as I do with literally almost every man I have and it just like confirms my heterosexual biases but how they conflict with my desires

Like I am definitely attracted to women I think but I have never really had the real opportunity to crush on a girl in passing in real life thats a lie I did in college I guess but I never look at female coworkers the same way

The older I get and the more men I meet the less I feel attracted to men and when I have these work dreams or start picturing being partners with people from work its not because I am attracted to them physically at all I think its honestly my inner taurus and im attracted to the idea of stability financial stability I think selfishly thats my biggest peeve of being alone

I just need to find a fucking commune or platonic partner because most days I feel like a misandrist

I am walking Can You Keep A Secret? On Netflix with Alexandria Dassario from White Lotus and it kind of amplifies that idea and sentiment and I love that it kind of highlights the female ick towards men they are involved with or potentially inolved with and the more I think about icks and the many that I have I wonder where it falls in determining if you are a lesbian

Like I see so many girls constantly get the ick and I constantly get the ick and its like why are we so disgusted and cringey in response to males exhibiting normal and usually feminine behaviors?

I couldn’t tell you my sexuality if it was a life or death type thing but hopefully one day I find it and hopefully I will stop being this weird hopeless romantic sometimes I feel like I dream more than I live and its just a blocking and a blessing. Anyways thanks for listening.

Sidenote/word of advice: When I was 16 my older coworker once told me dont ever date anyone you work with it never ends up right and I think she might have been on to something there

Ive been thinking about David dobrik a lot and I think I dreamed this or thought of it right before I went to sleep and my dreams have been really weird lately so its kind of dark

But I was thinking like what could he do that would redeem himself in a small way I feel like he has done many things that he physically cant redeem himself for like the things alleged in the insider article but I was thinking what if he pitched a show to Netflix called redemption and his sorry ass had to go back and watch every single video he has posted and recreate every stunt

And I know this sounds psychotic and I dont want him to get hurt I dont want anyone to get hurt ive been against his reckless antics since day one but one thing about David is that he is a little bitch honestly

And I think him facing and really feeling fear would be hard to look a way from because he avoids it at all costs

This also reminds me of the current situation with Kim Kardashian and how everyone is saying she needs to live a life in a normal persons shoes and I can already see that becoming a show super soon

I think influencers are seriously so fucked up they are so addicted to the serotonin of the likes and the views and the support and the sympathy that they cant even turn it off and put the phone down when it benefits them I think about how quick David was to post his first apology video to try to get in front of the narrative so quickly that he didn’t even realize how insincere and fucked up his apology was

Cancel culture has created monsters in a different way then most people believe it has created outrage over pointless things and allowed a lot of Karens to create havoc over stupid shit like the current Critical Race Theory argument in schools and the amount of censorship of LGBT+ identification and stories in southern states like Florida but it has also created people like David dobrik who try to take accountability by pushing all of their negative actions and missteps onto other people or other circumstances to make themselves look better in a situation which you literally see him do with the Jeff Wittek situation and the screen recording most likely taken while Jeff was literally in surgery

Everyday something new comes out about the situation with David dobrik right now and the Casey neistat documentary I think of how Casey has said the whole vlog squad has cut him off and I think it just shows how David was hoping for a Shane Dawson Tana-con esque redemption story instead of the sad truth

Honestly I hope David does go away he doesn’t deserve this platform its really sad actually he’s like a mega tv channel or some shit he sits back films shit and all of this friends or employees do all of the work

I really hope Casey’s documentary gets picked up by a streaming provider because I would love to watch it. Anyways thanks for listening!!!

I had this realization when I was driving to work one day this morning I was really late and this person had tailgated me and had continued to do it to the other people after I moved over and I just found myself watching the car in the fast lane driving super lonely and I was like this person is either oblivious or trying to teach the person a lesson but is potentially stopping many people from getting to work on time, stopping a pregnant woman who is going into labor from getting to the hospital etc. like you never know who is behind you and it made me think of so many possible situations

Ive been thinking a lot of some of the things I witnessed when I was younger and like the common idea of parents using kids against each other when going through a divorce and it just made me think people can become so selfish and stubborn to the point of dragging other people into their drama and and literally creating trauma

I think of all of the people I have tried to teach a lesson and it makes me wonder if I regret doing it like i think of the people who I maybe caught on a bad day and got the bad end of their day and personality that day and how automatically I write them off and have hate towards them but I know in circumstances like that I need to look inwards and think why I am upset usually it stems from an insecurity I have and I need to check that instead of blaming the other person for drawing attention or making my insecurity valid

Anyways I also think of cutting people off and the act of like doing something to help myself feel better or less stressed but how every action creates a chain of reactions so like me cutting off that person could cause them to do like other things or have reservations in other relationships with people

This is a really scary example of it but I think of the situation based on that new Hulu show a girl from plainville and I dont know all of the circumstances but I got the idea that the boyfriend was suicidal and the girlfriend took that opportunity to encourage him to do that to get sympathy in the end or whatever im pretty sure she was mentally ill but its like her doing that and him killing himself impacted so many people involved in the case in so many different ways and she did that with maybe a selfish intent

But like his family was obviously devastated and impacted forever and people were given jobs during the case like its one decision that she did and it ended in maybe millions of people’s lives being impacted after the release of that show

Similarly to how after 13 reasons why was released suicides went up

It didn’t make me necessarily regret any decision I make but It definitely made me think about the chain of events that happened because of one decision I made

This is so personal but what isn’t that I talk about on here but I always feel like I am a narcissist I have a lot of narcissists in my life and Ifeel like im drawn to them because of the traits in my parents and wanting to be there for them and be a people pleaser but I feel like I withhold some of the traits as well sadly and this small circumstance with the fucking cars on the highway made me stop to think about all of the selfish actions Ive done and think about how badly they could impact others and even people I dont know

My last analogy is office events I hate office events like they are awful for me they spike my anxiety but I just think of it like this if I dont go and everyone else does now they look at it like its optional and maybe at the next even there are less people and so on and so on and then even the extroverted people aren’t going and the office dynamic is completely different