When I went to the doctors office last week and found out that I have a mood disorder and several traits on bipolar disorder I went on an emotional spiral I had gotten so out of wack in the past few weeks and I wanted to get myself under control

I was severely depressed thinking of suicide everyday and I couldn’t work well I couldn’t remember anything and I was just a complete mess and scared of what the possible outcome would me

The words the doctor said sent my body to my phone after to look up symptoms I want this podcast episode to be something that can potentially save people from harming themselves and help them take the steps to prevent these things from getting out of control

I am very indecisive.

I am very complex.

But this diagnosis or realization opened my eyes.

I dont want to offend people with what I say in this episode but I think its important to discuss in my podcast episode What would you do if no one would judge you? I think I may be wrong I talk about all these things I want to do but dont and i have this weird relationship to Kanye West I have loved him since I was 16 and I have always had a soft spot for him and I never fully understood why and this doesn’t discount his problematic past but In a weird way I understood him whenever I felt something really strong I wanted to pour my heart into it allow it to create art and just make it something and its like sometimes I feel like I can do anything and other times I feel so useless and like I cant move

Ive touched on what I perceive as my manic self a lot in this episode but my depressive state is quite awful I self isolate for long periods of time during college it got really bad to the point I would isolate for like long periods from the few friends that I had

I have a lot of hyperfixations and being a tiktok user avidly this summer I was scared I may have ADHD but I never realized all these symptoms go hand in hand I was obsessed with candles over the summer and I haven’t made one in months now

The feeling of confidence will overcome me and I feel like I can do anything for fucks sakes I started writing a book last month like I just don’t know but as crazy as it seems I do think I am a creative person and pretty damn good at it I find myself thinking I am either amazing at my job or the worst person to ever do it but going on antidepressants I am scared that I will lose my creativity and turn into a zombie but my depressive state got so bad my destiny became zombie or dead

so i has this thought on my spam twitter a few months ago this is the tweet i had said:

this conversation is coming up again because i saw on twitter that people were talking about how this young woman had committed suicide and everyone was saying she was so beautiful and this person responded like why is that your first response why do you expect beautiful people to not have to deal with mental health issues and i think it says two things i think it shows how our society favors attractive people and how pretty privilege is real and people think that it can solve all of your problems

it’s scary. it makes me wonder if people would still care if the person wasn’t attractive or known like it’s damaging and i think it shows how there should be an even larger emphasis on mental health issues

i have talked about my struggle with suicidal ideations on the podcast before but the amount of news i have seen recently of young people especially women committing suicide is alarming and i think it needs to be discussed

being suicidal isn’t fun it’s not something you do for attention it is something that happens because you are hurting and out country is hurting and no progress is being made these stories are becoming one in the same and it’s important for us to not lose focus and start creating a society where this doesn’t happen

so commonly

the rise of suicides in college aged people the rise of suicides following covid 19 outbreaks

:(

What is my dream?

I want to be wanted. I want to be admired. I want to be the person that someone thinks of at night. I want to be the person that someone plans the conversations out with before they even happen. I want my existence to mean something to someone else. I want to love another person fully and be able to explore it privately and publicly.

I want someone to spend time with. I want to feel like I'm living in a love song. I want to be passionate about another person.

I have felt so alone my whole life and I don’t want to feel that forever. It’s like I've dreamed so much for so long to the point where I can't even come up with my own love story anymore.

I had this weird feeling recently.

To me a perfect pair is people who enjoy the same things. I don't necessarily know if that's true particularly but I always looked at the people i had love for as perfect matches to me because of certain things whether they were actually pivotal or not. But what I feel is happening now is those things meaning so much more because they weren't things I was doing to impress someone but things I do because I love them.

And the feeling of imagining that passion from loving someone and both loving certain things seems fucking perfect.

I want to feel like I was right. Like that I can orchestrate things perfectly. Like maybe just maybe this one sided relationship I created in my head could work.

At the end of the day I’m a dreamer. And something that I dream of is a life-long story. I dream that somehow, somehow, even if it's not always the person that I am dreaming about. Those things pan out for a reason. I overlook things a lot and analyze the smallest of things and interactions to aid in my daydreams but I wish for things to go my way.

I want to truly feel beautiful. I have a lot of flaws and look at my body and my flaws as unlovable and I want to be proved wrong. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like the prettiest person in the room.

Someone that I once admired dearly and someone who I once thought could be my forever has peeked his way into my mind again and there is this loss of attraction, this loss of sight of what once was. But it just doesn't feel like a coincidence. So I'm looking to a higher power for a sign, a voice of reason, just someone, because feeling alone is becoming very unbearable.

There is something about confidence and being who you are! Happy easter :)

 So this week I was tasked with the opportunity to help someone out I think I briefly talk about this situation but there was this girl who I went to college with who I was envious of not in a like malicious way I think I would actually think of it as the first time I was envious of soemoene without a load of malice attached to it I just thought she was everything I would be in a perfect world

She was super smart seemed super unbothered by trends and had a football player boyfriend who gave off the effect that he did everything for her I dont know she just seemed very cool and its kinda cool because she didn’t fit like these descriptors she wasnt like white and preppy and had like major sex appeal she was just normal with glasses and nice and kind anyways she sat next to me every class period and I dont know if I already knew who she was before but I came to knew her and me and my friends always talked about how jealous we were of her

Years later this winter actually she reached out to me asking for some information about an organization my mom is apart of she had seen me on my moms instagram which pissed me off! That my mom had shared photos of me without consent but I put her in contact with my mother and I was like woah if that was anyone else I was ever envious of prior I would’ve burned a bridge there and I also thought it was crazy that someone like her so driven needed a connection through me

Anyways she reached out for help about moving into apartments in my hometown area so I made some calls to friends who had lived in apartments of that area and gave her some ideas anyways during these interactions in quickly got stubborn and said I wish people had done this for me moving so Im going to do it for her but I failed to realize how many people had tried to help me find apartments and how quickly my mind switched into this dark spite fueled thought pattern disregarding all of those who spent their time trying to help me like I am doing for her

I felt like my mother in that instance narcissitic. Me and my mother are in a fight right now because she is so painfully obsessed with herself and money and other peoples perception o the point of sacrificing her relationship to family and the people around her. The girl in this story reached out to me after not hearing a response back from my mother about the organization after being in contact for a long time. I knew it was because my mom was mad at me and viewed the girl as my friend and was using it against her to spite me as well and I got so angry.

  This was the original title when I had first thought of this episode but I think I want to take it a step further and see why women are obsessed with gay love stories? When I first watched both moonlight and call me by your name one I cried like a baby and two I was enthralled something about these two relationships on screen was so captivating and I just wondered why

I recently saw this clip from the BFF podcast where Chris from Chris and Ian a tiktok gay couple where Dave Portnoy was saying that women are so obsessed with gay couples and its very true ive seen so many cases of it and I wondered why

Today in the car I thought of it as effortless in heterosexual love stories you see women fitting into mens lives and eyes perfectly but in real life I feel like sometimes women feel like they need to conform to a certain look or have certain ideals which i feel like women don’t understand the tiers of gay culture and how predjudice and racism finds its ways into their culture as well

But there is a lack of toxic masculinity which we do see often in heterosexual love stories I think of this every time I see a guy rev his car especially when you are like at a stop light and not on the highway they want this attention that they dont understand is usually negative instead of positive and isn’t impressing those of the opposite sex

Also this thought isn’t really clear but I think because so many men are so queer coded and dont understand their incline to be queer but seeing it actually executed correctly and in the right direction is important I think about how gay straight culture actually is and when many men describe their perfect partner whether they are straight or not or even homophobic or not they are actually describing a man

To see men be in love and understand how beautiful and effortless that is is just beautiful to watch and I think thats why I love queer media and gay media in general

Also there is no discrepancies in the writing I always think of the saying written by a woman versus written by a man in the fact that women often dont understand or connect with how men write women and men usually dont measure up to how women right men but being able to see two men who may share traits and characteristics but two fully formed men written by men is such a better love story then being written by someone who doesn’t fully embody that gender’s story and how to accurately shape them

Writing this I realize I need to consume more lesbian media or genderless media which makes me wonder how do you execute that as well as someoenone who views gender as so not important and knows how easy it is to fall into gender roles when writing or speaking quickly and to the point most people don’t fall into certain characteristics, traits, and mindsets due to the genitalia they were born with

This reminds me of Euphoria because as much as I love the show I feel like Sam Levinson falls so short when crafting Rue and Jules love story and even though I haven’t consumed a lot of lesbian media I have seen way better interpretations of a love story in show cameos than euphoria which in season one was heavily the focus.

I think euphoria shows how this conversation about my fascination and fondness of gay love stories extends to queer love stories ore more gender fluid and pan-sexual love stories as it comes to Nate and Jules

i’ve been thinking about the ick and nate jacobs and how it oddly goes hand in hand when women describe the so called ick in men it is them displaying traits characteristics or actions that are inherently feminine.. dancing at a concerts, their ass crack showing when they stand up, chasing a ping pong ball and then i think of nate

My moods have gone very up and down recently like to the point where it seems almost detrimental its very scary anyways this morning I was listening to the NPR Lifekit podcast and it was just talking about our brains and how our brains are so fueled by dopamine

i have had anxiety for so long and sometimes it just travels in and out i’ll build up the courage to say what i want to and what i mean and it works out and i’m surprised it helped me

i was having a really good week like i was doing really good and then my boss came back to work today and i was not she was correcting me for something i had done wrong again the same thing i did it twice and i found myself getting really frustrated and sad and i finally just asked a question

all along i had a setting wrong in the program that wasn’t allowing me to see what she saw and it all made sense now i had felt like such an idiot a bad worker and like i was going to get fired but just by reaching out and asking my whole day turned around

i get so in my head sometimes fearing the question and the responses it can carry hell i was even in my head with the way i worded the question like was i too aggressive? idk but i just did it and i’m happy i did

i feel like this also aligns with the being delusional thought process because the quote it never hurts to ask is true as hell don’t block a blessing with a closed mouth

i understand being scared of an outcome and being scared of rejection but at least you can’t look back and say you didn’t try

this reminds me of something i thought i would never share

if you’ve listened to the podcast and my episode called “if you’re hearing this it’s too late” i talk about a man that ruined my life sorta kinda but i don’t know if i mentioned the amount of stress i potentially put him through via my friend from hell and so years later i reached out and apologized

and i know it probably came off as creepy but ir really wasn’t i felt bad and had collected all these emotions and feelings over the years and also a calling to reach out to him i looked to the stars and just did it i said hey i’m sorry.

he didn’t respond and that’s okay because i can look back and see we weren’t met to even connect again and maybe he wasn’t ready for that conversation but at least i tried because i know if i didn’t reach out that day i would still be thinking what if now but now i know that the door is closed.

so if anyone listening is so scared to ask anyone anything build up that courage and do it because it’s very unlikely that you’ll regret it