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Sometimes ya just gotta go for the humor without an inspirational message... and maybe that's the message. Laughter is required to get through this disturbing time we are required to endure.
I had fun writing this. I hope you have fun listening to it.
Artwork by Tony Thompson
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Five rules to Arguing Politely and Ineffectively - Dedicated to Dolly Parton
There are rules to quarreling in the South. Arguments there are slow-cooked, sugar-glazed, and served with a side of pecan pie you didn’t really ask for..
First rule: Use a Sweetness You Don’t Really Mean … Most people know the Swiss Army knife of Southern disagreement is “Bless your heart”. It can mean either Hon, that is a worthy contribution to this discussion, or I feel sorry how profoundly misguided you are. You are Pathetic
For example:
“I hear what you’re saying about liberals… bless your heart.” Translation: I do not hear what you’re saying, but I encourage you to continue being incorrect in a way that will eventually exhaust you because I’m not giving you anything to push back on.
#2: Smile Like You’re Being Photographed for the Church Directory …The smile is essential. It should say: I am kind, I am composed, and I am not listening to a single word you're saying, I am thinking about how you have a barbeque stain on your white shirt and bless your heart, it probably won’t come out.
#3: Disagree Indirectly, Preferably Through a Third Object …Direct confrontation is considered uncouth. Instead, go in this direction: My cousin tried that once and, well… we don’t really talk about it anymore.” Or: “I’ve noticed some people confuse ‘feeling strongly’ with ‘being informed.’”
Rule #4: Offer Food as a Distraction …
Mid-argument, just say: “Have you eaten?” This isn’t a question. It’s a ploy. If they say yes, you insist anyway. “Well let’s get you something else.” If they say no, just know that nothing undermines a firm opinion like a plate of warm cornbread slathered in butter and honey.
Rule #5: Escalate Courtesy not Volume ..As tensions rise, so must your politeness. Fir instance: “Well, isn’t that just so interesting, Evelyn.”“You have clearly given this a lot of thought.” Bless your heart, Aren’t you just the smart one here.” Each phrase should be served like tea that has too much sugar in it.
Final Thought …Polite arguing is not about changing minds. It’s about preserving the relationship while quietly rearranging your internal seating chart. Some people get to sit right by you, and others will be seated in the garage next to the water heater.
With these rules, you won’t win the debate. Who cares, if you maintain politeness, you will be invited back and in the South, that’s all that matters.
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