A Sassy Little Podcast with Sandra Ann Miller a.k.a. The Happyist

In this episode, we talk about: Threesomes. Lies. Going over 200 episodes. Friendships. Learning. How their podcast got started. Usable gems. Critical thinking. Hating the premise of self-help. Being of service. Doing good work. Writing on accident. Filter feeding the debris. What sticks. Living with a professor. Questioning authority. Flamingoes. Best sellers. Being our best selves. Screenwriters. Lord God King Boofoo. Self-help is a misnomer. What you would actually have to do each day if you followed all the top self-help advice (spoiler alert: it's impossible). Racism and privilege. Community care. Victim blaming. Manipulation. Caveats. Rachel Hollis' divorce. Problematic advice. Social constructs. The mental load of women. Not having a party. Best advice. Worst advice. Leveling up. Assistance. Experts. Protecting listeners. Responsibility. Fabergé-ing. Ageism. Tea drinking.

Books mentioned in the episode:

A Sassy Little Guide to Getting Over Him (by yours truly)

On Screenwriting by Syd Field

Making a Good Script Great by Linda Seger

Fed Up by Gemma Hartley

Burnout by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski

How to be Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

Generation X by Douglas Coupland

Episode recorded on 01/02/21

Episode released on 02/03/21

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media (Twitter and Insta: @SassyLittlePod) and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

Dr. Stephanie Sarkis holds a PhD, NCC, DCMHS and LMHC. She’s a bestselling author and psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, and ADHD. Her latest book is Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People. She’s a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family and Circuit Mediator and a contributor to Forbes, Psychology Today and The Huffington Post, as well as the host of the Talking Brains podcast. We start by getting to the good part, talk about the lack of accountability and narcissism evident in those who refuse to apologize. Toxic personalities. 1980s philosophy (Wall Street, Gordon Gekko). Taking responsibility. Not being a doormat. Apologizing to each other in real time. Empathy, compassion and understanding. Showing you're trustworthy/having integrity. Having an asserting personality AND STILL apologizing. When people are heard, it changes thing (and that's 90% of what therapy is). Epidemic of loneliness. One person can make a huge difference. Binary thinking of apologizing/taking responsibility = admitting guilt. Acknowledgement of injustice. Lack of responsibility has been normalized by last administration. Empathy should be normalized in next administration. People who don't feel guilt. Following Mr. Roger's advice and "look for the helpers". New level of human suffering in 2020. Importance of accountability. You don't have to condone the behavior to accept the apology. Proper apology = "I'm sorry I hurt you; this is how/what I'm going to change." Motives. Apologies are not a contract/guarantee it won't happen again. ADHD. Repeat offenders. Non-apology = "I'm sorry you feel that way"/puts blame on the person harmed/deflects responsibility...and is a gaslighting technique. You're too sensitive/can't take a joke. If someone says you hurt them, you hurt them. It's easy to take responsibility. Don't blame yourself if someone refuses to apologize; that speaks to them. Setting boundaries (and becoming the difficult person because of that). Workplace offenses. We can't expect an apology for everything. Blanket apologies. Increasing our compassion (we don't know what others are going through, especially now). Giving grace to people while keeping our boundaries. If you think apologies are a weakness, talk to a professional to break those patterns (find out how it served you in the past and why it no longer serves you now). Don't underestimate the power of humor (but understand it's not always injectable). Behavior anomalies. If you have a complaint about another, check to see if you aren't guilty of the same. Fluffy McStuffins. Frayed nerves. If you charge up a hill, you might be met with a mirror. Those willing to apologize value human relationships, understand we are inherently flawed human beings, and maybe doesn't take themselves too seriously. Willingness to take responsibility. Separate ego from self. Waiting for a reckoning. What you can do to help heal stuff. Inherent entitlement. Addressing privilege. Shitler. Vocal racists. Not reconnecting. We can all be friends again. (No, we can't.) People can change—listen to what they say, pay attention to what they do. We are coming out of an abusive relationship (with our president). Gaslighting. Irreparable damage. Understanding what you have control over. Strengthening empathic muscles. Reaching out for help is a strength, not a weakness. Emotional intelligence mentors. Taking a refresher course on communication.

You can find Dr. Sarkis on Twitter, YouTube and LinkedIn @stephaniesarkis, on Instagram @sarkisphd, on Facebook @StephanieSarkisPhD and her website stephaniesarkis.com. Her latest book is Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—And Break Free.

Episode recorded on 12/18/20

Episode released on 01/20/21

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

Elizabeth Jinzo is a mom who decided things needed to be better. When her daughter was born prematurely and diagnosed with Autism, she was forced into the role of advocate and had to become an expert in navigating systems, including public education, where she fought for her daughter’s integration into “regular” classrooms. She was so good at this, she started a non-profit to help other parents whose children have intellectual or developmental disabilities. In 2008, she founded D.E.S.I., which stands for Designated Exceptional Services for Independence, and is named after her daughter, Deserai. She’s been repeatedly recognized and awarded for her work, and well she should be, because D.E.S.I. not only provides advocation, life skills classes and job training to its clients, it’s also a community food bank, runs a thrift store and provides work programs for mothers on assistance. Needless to say, she’s rather impressive and quite inspiring. We talk about fighting the good fight. Serving 4,500 people at their food bank in October 2020. Being creative to keep clients engaged during lockdown/with Zoom. Pre-COVID, it was about integrating clients, being inclusive in the community. Getting clients into college. Refusing to lower expectations. She was told her daughter would never talk or go to college. Her daughter now has her own apartment in supported living. Pretend cousins. Taking away humiliating language. Being like family. Not being adversarial; creating compassion and empathy instead. Know the law. Holding pencils. Daughter was born 1.5 lbs; watched her develop in an incubator. Pioneering parents. Ending educational segregation. Letting children make their own choices so they can be their own person. Difficulty in letting go. Innate awareness. Helicopter parents. Learning about the resources available. Having to take action. Expense of special needs. Going back to school. Seeing potential. Becoming a teacher. Independent living skills. Rotaries and chambers. It takes a village. It's not just the child who needs assistance—the entire family does. Creating scholarships. Blossoming into community support. 2 locations: East L.A. (thrift store and food bank) and Bell Gardens (admin). Being uncomfortable rather than compassionate. Meaningful friendships. Structure. Emulating behavior. Try. Realizing true potential. Making a difference in the world. Support system. Yea, Kenny! Believing. Audacity. When you're hungry enough, things will happen. Obstacles as learning tools. Having a strong work ethic. Showing up.

You can reach Liz and D.E.S.I. on Twitter and Instagram @desi_serve on Facebook @desiserve and at desiserve.org

Episode recorded on 11/13/20

Episode released on 01/27/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

From being at home during the pandemic and getting things we want/need/happen to be on sale and giving/getting over the holidays, we probably are finding ourselves with too much stuff! Let's purge it. Jasmine Milligan is Reno, Nevada's first KonMari certified organizer. Marie Kondo's method starts with clothing, books, documents and "komono" (misc.) before hitting the hard to part with sentimental items. Start with a vision of what you want to achieve/have it look like and start with pulling out ALL of your clothes and see which ones spark joy (everything else is out). Learning not to buy things numbly. Future tripping. Facing stuff head-on. There are no real rules with the KonMari method (and the "if you haven't worn it in a year" rule has been cancelled due to 2020). If you want to keep it, keep it with confidence (that you will use it/wear it soon...set a date for it). Fantasy yard sales. Perceived value vs. what you will realistically get. Releasing things with gratitude. Learning our patterns. Becoming more self-aware. Shopping to check out. Energy shifting. "Hoarders". Creating a prison of stuff. Minimizing life to what you actually need and like. Disconnecting. Seeing the unhappiness related to clutter. Going through everything is really liberating. (Really.) Magic happens when you clear things out (it's like a portal opens; reconnections occur). Don't have to believe in that; just do it and you'll see. RAFT your documents (Refer, Act, File, Toss/recycle). Reese Witherspoon and stale cereal. Aesthetic organization doesn't always make sense/isn't always practical (so you can skip that trip to the Container Store and labelling everything). Kimono vs. komono. Patience. Bravery. Empowerment. Actively living. Setting goals. Zoomtinis.

You can reach Jasmine at upsidetidying.com and on Instagram.

Her radio show, Thread, can be heard here.

Episode recorded on 12/11/20

Episode released on 01/06/21

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

Nina Sadowsky is busy. She’s had 4 books published in the last 4 years, 2 of those were released in 2020, and that was done while she was teaching, and then while she opened a school, and was also developing TV series, and sending out a cheerfully dark dispatch from her website. Before becoming an author, she was an attorney, a producer, screenwriter and executive. She’s the Program Director of NYU Los Angeles and her novels are Just Fall, The Burial Society, The Empty Bed, and Convince Me.  We talk about: needing joy or optimism to be productive, or using anger as a motivator; being ruthlessly time-efficient; finding what drives you; sometimes, it's just the doing; try something new (art, cooking), do something different to discover new motivation; building community; contributing to the conversation; taking advantage of this time to reassess, ask what you'd like your life to look like on the other side of this; look at how productive we've actually been during COVID; the doing of it; being disciplined about it; vertical and lateral thinking; mediation; dancing; finding ways to keep your joy as well as your quieter side; sink into yourself; ask how you measure productivity; managing expectations; accomplish what you can in this day; be present; rather than dread something, just do it; have compassion for ourselves in a big, big, way; the uncertainty of this situation makes it so much harder; look for the positive things that have happened; learning how precious time is; sometimes, too much time makes it hard to know what to do with it; scheduling is an illusion of control; Blursday impedes productivity; supporting local bookstores; hitting a wall; not having enough personal interactions; importance of making your bed; finding a dedicated workspace; giving yourself a short time space to do work you don't want and rewarding yourself for accomplishments; getting started is half the battle; take pride in what you accomplish; things you should plan to accomplish every day: gratitude, exercise, getting outside, connecting with someone, create beauty; let go of "normal"; pivot; being collectively tired; set an alarm and give yourself a pattern.

You can find Nina on Twitter @Sadowsy_nina and on Instagram @NinaSadowsy

Mentioned in the interview:

NinaSadowsky.com

Hollywood Climate Summit

Supreme Myths Podcast with Eric Segall

Bookshop.org

Episode recorded on 10/23/20

Episode released on 12/30/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

Food has changed. How we grow it and process it. Sugar is in everything (processed). The edible equivalent of oxycontin. Sugar is not a normal food product. Viewers can see the similarities between those suffering addiction on "Intervention" and those on "My 600-lb Life"; how does the medical community miss that parallel? Doctors don't want to fat-shame and obesity is prevalent/normalized. When you are sick, doctors don't ask what you are eating. They aren't trained to. Food addiction needs more research but that requires more doctors diagnosing it. Doctors prefer what they know: medication or surgery. The inequity if the food supply; lower income  keeps people reliant on highly processed and addictive foods. If food was viewed as medicine, we could get a Rx for it, use insurance co-pays to get the nutrition we need affordably. Documentaries: FAT FICTION (about how the USDA got it wrong with the American diet, making fat the villain while it's sugar that's the danger) and KISS THE GROUND (about how modern farming is damaging the soil, but changing how and what we farm will make both us and the planet healthier). USDA cherry-picked the data for the American diet. Non-fat, low-fat and "light" means "loaded with sugar!" Refined foods erode mental health, and mimics other mental health issues. Food addiction can be a gateway to other addictions. Dr. Tarman's journey. Restricting leads to bingeing and gaining more weight than was lost. If you eat healthy foods, you never have to "diet", count calories or worry about what you're eating. Best solution for addiction is to quit what you're addicted to (sugar, flour). How can you live like that? (Spoiler alert: You'll feel better.) Leptin resistance (caused by insulin blocking this hormone, keeping us from being sated/keeping us eating more). See an addiction doctor if you are suffering food addiction (regular GPs or bariatric doctors don't fully understand the triggers). Sugar and dopamine. If you're not feeling good, think about what you're eating. "Heart healthy" sugared cereals? Science is important but so is common sense. Grooming children to be addicted to food. If it's in a box or bag (and refined) aren't healthy, even if they are labelled as such. Cigarettes were once labelled as "healthy". Bullet-proofing experiment. Fat doesn't equal fat; sugar equals fat. Try going sugar-free for a month. Educate yourself about food addiction. Understand there is withdrawal (but you'll survive it). When you feel better, you won't miss the garbage. Once you eat healthy foods, you crave healthy foods.

You can find Dr. Tarman at AddictionsUnplugged.com  on Twitter and Facebook. 

Her book is FOOD JUNKIES: The Truth About Food Addiction.

Episode recorded on 10/16/20

Episode released on 12/23/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

We've seen Going Clear, "Scientology: The Aftermath", Wild, Wild Country, Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator, and "The Vow", so we know a little something about cults. What we don't really understand is how they still exist, and pull in people today even with that awareness. Phoenix House is a therapeutic community based on a now-defunct cult, Synanon. Erin Coffin Moore was placed in Phoenix House when she was 16. "Tough Love" and institutionalizing "troubled" teens were touted as solutions for parents in the 1980s and 90s. Adults (teachers, police, social workers) fail to listen or believe kids when trouble at home is noticed, or to follow up on their welfare. Where there's smoke, there's fire. Phoenix House had contracts with state and local governments to serve as a diversion program for juvenile offenders and yet no authorities were keeping a close eye on the abuses there for children 13-17, co-ed, run by adults who were unqualified, unlicensed and untrained. From 2-minute showers to free labor, to encounter groups called "The Game" where berating a fellow "family member" was encouraged, as was ratting out others, including your family, abuse occurred daily. Ridicule was considered "a tool", and so was hostility. Civil rights violations were rampant (those in the adult facilities would sue to go back to prison where they would be treated better). The place where Paris Hilton  went was also based on Synanon. These places still exist. Groups like Landmark, NXIUM and Scientology all have similar playbooks. While there are benefits to the "self-improvement" aspects of these organization, the isolation, secrecy, shame, humiliation, abuse, excommunication and vengeance are as if they are from the same playbook. Even after turning 18, Erin was so indoctrinated from their abuse, she remained in the program, living outside of the facility but attending sessions regularly. Eventually, they isolated her from her mother, then excommunicated her after she became pregnant in a relationship with another member. Alone with nothing, Erin had to find her own way. It took her years to be able to talk about what she experienced there, and now she is chronicling her story on her blog, FallingPhoenix.com and writing her memoir.

You can find Erin on Twitter @girl_recovery and Instagram @witchrecovery.

Episode recorded on 10/24/20

Episode released on 12/16/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

Brad Pitt and the C-word. Oasis and rock stars as superheroes. Escaping into big personalities. Andy Kaufman and performance art. Bravado before confidence. Forced humility. Australian blasphemy, the "tall poppy" syndrome and being a divisive artist. Art school egos. Ego as a shield. Fake it 'til you make it. Tarot card psychics. Sometimes you start by being good. Have the courage to take the journey. Over-40 playlists. Purpose of persona. Meeting Marilyn Manson. Skills and tools. Who's in charge of the experience? Playful combativeness. Are you in control of the process or is the process in control of you? Trapped in toxic ego. Kanye West. Question who's driving. There's no community if one ego is in charge. Coming to America, a country that tells you to believe in your dreams. Creation. Tapping into the "Universal Vein". "Tripping with Caveh". Art and parenting. Would a bigger ego mean a bigger career? Bruce Springsteen tasting blood. Bringing value. Owning 100% of nothing. Trusting your instincts. No regrets. Cultivating a vibe. Being genuine. Adaptivity and resilience. QAnon and the largest attempt to radicalize Americans against democracy. Catching people before they fall into the rabbit hole. How it's like a cult. Speaking up. How this relates to ego — being a savior, being right. Conspiracy theories. The comfort of knowing. War of information. How ego makes it hard to admit we're wrong. I'm sorry is the easiest thing to say...and the only way to stay married (or employed).

Ben is on Twitter and Instagram @BenLeeMusic. His website is https://ben-lee.com where you can get his music and sign up for his newsletter.

Tripping with Caveh 

Episode recorded on 10/30/20

Episode released on 12/09/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Become a patron on Patreon. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

Toxic positivity is a pet peeve of Sandra's because: 1) it's mood shaming and 2) it can hinder those who appear perpetually cheerful but are actually dealing with deep pain and hardship from getting the attention and care they need. You can't heal what you can't feel. "Good vibes only" is oversimplifying a complex emotional experience and brings on shame and isolation. If you're feeling OK in the midst of this crisis...that's not healthy. Choosing your mood. Science! Getting rid of disclaimers and qualifying your upset. "At least it's not cancer!" (Never say that.) Fear is a four-letter word. Trusting each other enough to support each other through this hard time. The human brain is wired to focus on the negative (for survival). Connecting with friends through a screen when we are burnt out on being on a screen. Missing physical cues because we aren't in-person. Learning to up our verbal game. Empathy skills. Feeling more deeply—the good and bad. Being authentic and having a richer life. Our natural tendency to avoid what's uncomfortable. It's not our job to say something to make the other person feel better, just be supportive and help them feel cared for. We don't do well with grief or have the language for it. Learning how to "hold both" with Dr. Allison's favorite word, "and". Intention vs impact. Comfortable confrontation. 

Dr. Allison can be found at drallisonanswers.com

Episode recorded 10/09/20

Episode released 12/02/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs

TRIGGER WARNING: This episode includes discussion of suicidal ideation, cutting, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression, drug and alcohol abuse.

If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline available 24 hours each day in English and Spanish at 800-273-8255. Or contact the Crisis Text line by texting CONNECT to 741741 to chat with a Crisis Counselor. Visit the National Institute for Mental Health for more information.

The journey of a young woman's mental health began at age 2 with her mother's death and going mute for two years (something she only recently found out), not liking her skin color (body dysmorphia) and suicidal ideation at age 6, cutting at 10, eating disorders starting at 14, having her first drink in college at 19 and finally feeling "normal" to drug abuse in her early 20s, finally finding sobriety at 25, and how she's coping today at 28 with PTSD, body dysmorphia and sobriety while going back to college and being an author of young adult books.

Patricia's book is REMEMBER available on Bookshop.org.

You can find Patricia on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook @pssmith92

Episode recorded 10/02/20

Episode released 11/25/20

For more information on the podcast or its host, please visit sassylittlepodcast.com. There, you will find links to social media and an opportunity to become a member of the podcast community.

Thanks for listening! If you like this sassy little podcast, please subscribe to it, rate it and review it, and tell your friends about it. Cheers!

The podcast is written, produced and edited by Sandra Ann Miller. Join the conversation at thehappyist.substack.com

Music: Shower Beer by GG Riggs