I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it. 

Key Takeaways: 

[1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life 

[4:09] Physical and emotional stress can make us stronger 

[6:02] Self sabotaging in an effort to protect myself 

[9:48] Sabotaging myself to create familiarity and safety 

[11:05] Drinking to fit in

[13:36] Not having a good diet, but exercising 

[14:53] Teaching even though coaching lite me up 

[17:17] Having this idea off what I'm supposed to be 

[18:09] Sabotaging relationships, finding safety in people, and escaping

[20:36] Not following through on things 

[23:13] Hanging on to past relationships 

[25:47] Reasons for sabotage 

[27:38] I hate being wrongly accused 

[29:24] Being in a state of denial and working to better myself 

[30:41] Recreating trauma and the battle of the brain 

[31:59] Contemplating why I live my life the way I do

[35:37] Thinking about what needs to change in my life 

[38:23] Checking up on past relationships 

[42:11] Trying to better myself and my business 

[44:50] Staying in Concord even though I complain about it 

[47:21] The struggle with social media 

Resources:

• The Mountain is You
• The Body Keeps the Score
• POWER Book

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

After my daughter's death I began to truly feel my age sink in. I gained weight, had trauma induced menopause, and body dysmorphia. I struggled and not only lost my daughter, but lost many people I cared for in life. Nothing was the same and trying to find a way to heal myself is an ongoing journey. 

Key Takeaways: 

[2:14] Feeling old after Molly's death

[4:04] Losing everything, not just Molly and gaining weight 

[6:27] Trauma induced menopause and body dysmorphia 

[10:04] Having a physical response to death

[15:28] Using exercise to connect with the people I've dated 

[17:50] Raising my kids to be athletic 

[18:38] Hating my body growing up

[22:17] How cognitive behavioral therapy can help 

[23:37] Finding a positive aspect to associate with my identity 

[24:25] Sexual assault victims have the responsibility to not make others uncomfortable 

[26:50] Being told to keep secrets 

[28:02] Being disconnected to my body 

[29:47] Other peoples crushing expectations 

[33:27] Looking at how somatic healing can help my life

[35:31] Finding ways that make you happy as a whole

Resources:

• Florence Holway Story 

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

Intergenerational trauma is something that has plagued my family and I'm trying to change it, but it feels like a burden to bear. Growing up, having to keep secrets and not having my basic needs met has made me evaluate how that's impacted my parenting today. I have many things to work through with many different types of therapies at my disposal, but it will take time to wade through this generational trauma. 

Key Takeaways: 

[1:22] Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

[6:36] Physical safety in the hierarchy 

[7:33] My emotional needs and trauma bonding 

[8:19] Analyzing my past self and generational trauma 

[14:13] Growing up the message was that women were less than men 

[17:36] Hyper independence and people pleasing 

[22:27] Having to keep secrets as a child was damaging

[25:00] Love and abuse in the family 

[27:09] Passing on trauma to my children: nature or nurture? 

[31:25] Giving our children what we didn't have growing up 

[32:40] How grief impacted my parenting 

[34:57] Having issues with boundaries, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts 

[36:29] I'm working to heal intergenerational trauma 

[38:00] Medical side of psychology 

[38:55] EMDR and how it helped me

[40:13] Somatic healing: how the mind and body connect 

[44:09] Trauma causes growth 

[44:38] People tell me I'm too honest about my story 

[45:56] The process of wading through trauma 

Resources:

• It Didn't Start with You

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below. 

Key Takeaways: 

[2:45] My mom was a stay at home mother and my dad worked a lot 

[4:20] First instance of sexual abuse  

[6:46] It happening again and feeling terrible for not saying anything 

[9:40] First physical incident and the fear it created in me 

[14:28] Being abused constantly in 5th grade

[18:04] Setting fire to my clothing 

[19:07] My social life began to tank in 5th grade  

[21:30] Being aware of my sexuality  

[23:35] Being abused again, but having a better understanding 

[25:07] Going to the ER for asthma and feeling safe in the hospital 

[26:32] Being abused in 6th grade and hypervigilance 

[28:59] Having to get my siblings ready in the morning

[31:08] Beginning to understand the full scope of sexual abuse 

[33:16] The last abuse attempt and telling my mom 

[35:23] Looking back on the psychological changes in me 

[37:41] Family history of abuse and generational trauma    

[39:41] Struggling with sleeping with a lot of people in my early twenties 

[42:54] Isolating myself, depression, and exhaustion  

[45:14] Reexperiencing trauma and hypervigilance 

[47:14] Parental support helped save me 

[47:44] My response to sexual abuse 

[50:41] How being abused affected my parenting 

[52:33] Getting very sick in the hospital and not eating 

[53:59] The good and the bad in my life 

[56:18] Releasing these words is cathartic to me 

[57:14] Victims are not at fault for being assaulted 

[57:39] Losing parts of myself, but continuing to push forward

Resources:

• Twister Movie

• National Sexual Abuse Hotline

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Helping Survivors

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

Elementary school and the 60s feels like the last time I felt okay before I began 4th grade. My mom was a young mom, my dad worked all day, and I spent my summers outside at the public pool. When school was in session I dealt with sexist teachers and when I left for the day I went to church 3 times a week. In this episode, I dive deep into my generational identity and the calm before the storm.

Key Takeaways: 

[2:15] I don't identify as a boomer and being born into a time of change 

[3:56] My mom being a young mom and having a carefree childhood

[6:46] The TV shows I watched as a child 

[8:11] Constantly playing outside with the neighborhood kids 

[9:56] Household and school life growing up 

[12:11] Not understanding Tom was my biological father yet 

[13:24] The expectations of girls in school in the 60s

[15:26] Having an age gap between siblings and chaos 

[16:38] Swimming at the pool all day 

[18:55] Enjoying time with my grandparents 

[20:58] Divorce and family transcending beyond blood 

[24:25] Going to church every Sunday was a big part of my life  

[26:56] Being very empathetic from a young age 

[29:18] Getting in trouble for wearing pants to school 

[31:08] Climbing the fire escape to leave school 

[34:06] Becoming friends with Suzanne and joining church choir  

[39:32] Trying to understand my mom and how my life went downhill 

[41:42] Being so happy in third grade, but that changing in fourth grade

[43:23] Being overwhelmed by starting school in a new building

[44:36] Missing the first 2 weeks of school because I had the mumps 

[45:46] People think I appear dumb and being people pleasing 

[47:14] My relationship with my mom was wonderful 

[51:48] The summer before 4th grade was the last summer I was okay

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The Molly B Foundation

Trying to find my way in the workplace was not an easy task for me. Dealing with coworkers and bosses who didn't like me while trying to manage my life behind the scenes made my head spin. In this episode, I discuss how trauma impacted my relationships with others and leaving my life in Boston behind.

Key Takeaways: 

[1:58] Not getting along with a co-worker and finding a new job 

[3:42] Special education and the labels we use 

[5:13] Relationship struggles and trauma 

[8:03] Still feeling like a child and not dealing well with authority 

[17:10] Resigning from my teaching job and having medical problems

[22:47] Working for the Boston Bike Courier 

[25:59] Hanging with my party friends again

[27:06] Envy at my friends with good families and being mad at mine 

[30:40] The burden of keeping my biological father a secret 

[33:32] Leaving my life in Boston behind and joining AA

[35:07] Getting drunk and waking up in a random apartment 

[38:33] The scary abusive patterns in my life 

Resources:

• Prince of Tides

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The Molly B Foundation

In the years of '86 and '87, it was a tumultuous time. I was blessed to go to 4 different countries and get my first teaching job, but I heavily struggled with drugs and alcohol. At the same time, I was in a relationship with a man twice my age and my friends were pulling away from me. In this episode, I explore being a functional alcoholic and the struggles I endured because of it. 

Key Takeaways: 

[4:21] Drinking and drugs, friends leaving me behind, and moving back home 

[5:32] Working at a bar and drinking on my shift 

[10:27] Moving in with Alyssa and working for a running magazine 

[14:59] Continuing to make bad choices and my drinking and drug use getting worse

[16:52] Being bad at managing money and working just to pay the bills 

[22:02] Applying and receiving a teaching position to get my life back on track 

[23:07] Going to Switzerland and beginning a relationship with a man twice my age 

[25:01] Not being a great teacher at a job that wasn't right for me

[26:56] Getting an assistant coaching job and getting into a car accident

[29:22] Moving in with Bob and having an abusive relationship

[31:39] Traveling, being a functioning alcoholic, and being successful

[32:47] The trip from hell: Hawaii 

[36:01] Starting to understand what was going on in my life 

[37:40] Transitions are difficult 

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

My senior year was filled with academics - and a little cocaine. As crazy as I partied in college, I also took advantage of my full scholarship to BU and got a masters degree in a year. I grew as a person and became much more of an adult, even when I struggled with my on again, off again relationship with David.

Key Takeaways: 

[1:46] Turning point of adulthood the summer after sophomore year 

[3:11] Being introduced to cocaine 

[7:29] Starting my junior year in 1983 with a new running coach 

[10:57] Getting injured, receiving surgery, and not being able to run 

[16:01] Spending most of my time studying and getting ahead 

[17:13] Becoming very close to David's family 

[22:03] My senior year, struggling with David, and focusing on academics 

[24:43] Partying a ton, getting a masters, and graduating 

[26:29] Breaking up with David and getting back together with him 

[27:29] Getting my tonsils taken out 

[29:08] Finally feeling better and running my best times 

[31:20] The happy and the sad are intertwined in my life 

[32:31] Having no plans after graduating

[33:50] Being awarded a full scholarship is still surreal 

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

My sophomore year was a fantastic year for me. I finally started staying at BU on the weekends and I had found a group of friends. I broke up with Jay and began a healthy relationship with David which has had a substantial impact on my life. To top it off, I became the first female Division 1 All American for BU. I felt on top of the world. 

Key Takeaways: 

[0:57] Reflecting on my actions and goals 

[6:32] Connecting to BU, making friends, and staying for the weekends

[11:36] Struggling a bit at track meets with Jay training me

[13:48] Living in an apartment and being surrounded by all my friends 

[16:19] Gaining better time management skills with my classes

[17:32] Ending my relationship with Jay, but he didn't want to

[19:12] Drinking socially, not to get drunk 

[20:26] Becoming the first Division 1 female All American at BU

[24:00] Feeling like I had arrived and found my place

[25:38] Meeting David, my first serious and healthy relationship 

[29:01] Going down to the Cape in the summer of 1983

[30:11] Becoming great friends with Sally who is an amazing athlete 

[33:19] Feeling like I mattered, but getting scared when things were good

Resources:

• Summarization of Atomic Habits
• Atomic Habits  

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

The first semester of my freshman year of college was a difficult transition. It was an odd time in between being a teenager and an adult who had to handle things themselves. Learning time management skills, dealing with a coach that pushed me too hard, getting injured, and competing with my teammates made for a whirlwind. By the end of it I was ready to leave, but going home is what helped me realize I had to stay. 

Key Takeaways: 

[6:38] Feeling weird having so much freedom going from 17 to 18

[8:03] Fun I had in the summer of 1981 

[9:23] My first semester of college was terrible 

[10:11] Training camp at BU 

[12:51] Title 9, the impact it had on sports, and my team at BU 

[15:33] We all struggled with things like eating disorders, alcoholism, etc

[16:49] Having to buy things for myself as an adult and growing up 

[18:09] Struggling with time management

[20:21] Coach at BU pitted us against one another and broke us down 

[23:32] Being amazed at the freedom of adulthood and a co-ed dorm 

[25:39] The pressure on the women's team, the discrimination, and injuries 

[27:46] Noticing how many runners had eating disorders 

[30:58] My injury put a lot of pressure on me and my athletic scholarship 

[33:24] Going home for Christmas break and not having a bedroom anymore 

[34:19] Realizing I need to go back to BU and my relationship with Jay was strained

[35:26] It's okay if you don't enjoy college at first, it's a tough transition 

[37:16] Life is a chronic existence of coexisting emotions 

[38:50] New England weather and remembering to breathe 

Resources:

• Karen Kenney 
• Ok Yup podcast 

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation