A Thousand Tiny Steps

Throughout my research on grief and trauma I have learned so much about the connection between the mind and body and how grief affects them, while discussing my own experiences of EMDR therapy and having my brain tumors taken out. In this episode, I explore how grief affected me before and after Molly died.

Key Takeaways:

[3:22] A review of the episodes of season 2

[9:09] How grief affected my body leading up to Molly's death

[13:28] Trauma induced menopause, gaining weight, and feeling the affects of aging

[15:43] How exercise helped me through trauma

[19:33] My experience with EMDR therapy

[21:46] How exercise helps people to have tough conversations

[23:36] Having my brain tumors taken out and the dizzying affects

[26:22] Stress impacting my body with trigeminal neuralgia

[28:44] Grief is not a linear process and struggling with Molly's grave

[31:07] The next steps for the podcast and focusing on what makes me feel good in life

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• EMDR Therapy

Connect with Barb:

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Although I have gone through tremendous grief, I have a large support system to help me through it. From online support groups to connecting with other mothers in grief and reconnecting with high school friends, my social network has cast far and wide. Sharing these deep conversations with others has helped me create meaningful connections and process my grief.

Key Takeaways:

[2:01] The guilt in child loss and people's responses

[3:51] My mindset with abusive and traumatic thinking

[5:41] Finding kindness in grief and the loneliness of it

[8:36] Finding support in online support groups

[16:18] Making a connect with Brandy

[18:15] Sharing grief with Jen Hunger

[19:31] Other people I've connected with through grief

[22:18] Bill Rogers and our conversations on grief

[26:45] How the CrossFit community helped me through a sense of community

[31:01] The effect that Molly had on RB Productions

[32:41] Getting support from school district folks and longtime friends

[38:43] Getting back in touch with friends from high school

[41:05] The difficult support of family in child loss

[41:53] Molly didn't suffer death alone and acknowledging her death

[43:39] Through the good and the bad I have support

Resources from this episode:

• Karen Kenney
• Concord Dance Academy
• Ellie's Way
• Compassionate Friends
• Child Loss - Our Children in the Stars
• Moyer Foundation
• Camp Erin
• Rachel Hunger
• Bill Rogers
• The Puritan Backroom
• Interview with Barb
• Interview with Barb and CrossFit
• RB Productions

Connect with Barb:

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As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.

Key Takeaways:

[1:15] My struggle with setting boundaries as a result of trauma

[8:58] My friendship with Robin

[15:21] Getting legal support from the wrong person

[17:59] How my friendship with Robin also impacted my kids

[21:11] Being hired to coach track and field in Bow

[25:11] Getting bigger track teams and visiting Molly's grave with them

[26:52] Meeting and supporting a runner who lost a parent

[29:08] Butting heads with the administration and parents while feeling unsupported

[33:00] Getting a tattoo, showing it to my runners, and getting suspended

[39:19] Managing a charter school that failed

[41:30] Beginning to understand where my behavior comes from

[49:36] Understanding that just because I lost a child doesn't mean people will be kinder

[51:47] What the future holds

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Monitor Article on being suspended

Connect with Barb:

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My daughters have been dancing in the Christmas Show even since they were little. When Molly died traditions in my household changed and I began to see things differently. From starting to raffle off a basket full of things Molly loved, to fundraising for an arts scholarship in her name. In this episode, I explore the Christmas Show and everything it represents, alongside my trauma and learning to step out of grief.

Key Takeaways:

[6:10] The tradition of the Christmas Show

[9:01] Raffling off the Molly B basket and Gracie reeling dance back

[12:01] Peyton winning the Molly B basket in 2017

[16:30] Rachel Hunger winning the Molly B basket in 2019

[18:17] The significance of Gracie playing Mother Ginger again

[20:13] Making the 2021 Molly B basket in honor of Diane Peterson

[23:37] Jack's first Santa photos, the Molly B scholarship, and Molly's friends graduating

[28:59] Gracie's home at the dance academy and the friendships I've lost

[32:31] The effect of trauma bonds on relationships

[34:42] Stepping out of grief to change my viewpoint

[36:22] You can choose how to celebrate your holidays with grief

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Dance Academy
• RB Productions
• Rachel Hunger
• Diane Peterson
• Capital Center for the Arts
• The Nest spiritual mentoring group

Connect with Barb:

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Hanging on to the physical things our loved ones leave behind in grief is an odd subject. For a long time I couldn't get rid of, or move anything of Molly's. When I finally started to get rid of or donate items, it was a difficult journey. In this episode, I explore the power of items, the impact they have on us as people, and learning to let go.

Key Takeaways:

[3:41] The importance of things

[8:15] Keeping things and not moving them after Molly died

[11:38] Starting the process of going through things

[14:11] The finality that Molly's never coming back and starting to clean

[22:18] Changing Gracie's room to be her own and talking to others in grief

[32:40] Letting go without forgetting and giving away items

[36:10] Some things remaining unchanged

[38:45] Attaching meaning to items

[40:40] Dance costumes that Molly wore

[42:02] How to help determine if you should keep something

Resources from this episode:

• A Course in Miracles
• The Orange Cup
• Karen Kenney
• Lawsuit

Connect with Barb:

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Molly loved the holidays, and learning to live without her for them has been crushing. Over the past 5 years I've tried to distract myself and my family by going to Disney for Christmas, or helping others. The feeling of losing holidays as they used to be, while finding new ways to celebrate has been a tumultuous journey. Throughout it all, I've learned how important it is to just sit with others who are grieving during the holidays.

Key Takeaways:

[3:30] Molly's love of holidays

[4:41] The first year and not celebrating holidays

[10:16] Gracie entering junior year and my chaotic life

[13:45] Year two and going to Florida

[16:31] Trying to clean up my life

[18:23] Going out to eat on Thanksgiving and Florida again in year three

[20:52] Brain surgery, Kenny's kidney, and Disney

[22:27] Struggling with Mother's Day

[24:04] COVID Thanksgiving and spending Christmas at home in 2020

[25:24] Gracie having an allergic reaction on Christmas Eve

[28:19] Jack going to the hospital

[29:25] Setting up a small Christmas tree

[30:56] Having a fun COVID Thanksgiving again

[33:07] Jack changing how we celebrate holidays

[34:10] People grieve in different ways during the holidays

[38:27] Losing how holidays used to be, but perhaps reinventing them

Resources from this episode:

• Camp Erin
• Lawsuit
• Rachel Hunger
• Alan's Restaurant

Connect with Barb:

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In 2016, I felt paralyzed by grief. In between it all I found an attorney, helped my daughter through her grief, and talked to others in my grief groups. When 2017 rolled around, I started working again while juggling a million things on my plate. It was a difficult time, but the one thing I learned is that when people are grieving, just being a shoulder to lean on is one of the best things you can do.

Key Takeaways:

[1:31] Feeling panic stricken, being away from home, and trying to balance everything

[5:07] Not working, drinking, and feeling paralyzed

[8:58] Gracie processing grief and losing people in my life

[12:15] Getting Molly's medical records and picking an attorney

[16:41] Receiving closure with my kids pediatrician

[18:18] Losing Roy and trying to juggle everything in life

[23:21] Working full-time again and keeping busy

[26:07] Finding a therapist and going through the motions as summer marched on

[28:20] Grief never leaves, but using social media to help

[33:05] Gracie going to school again and not wanting to be alone

[35:15] Getting through the holidays

[38:53] Trauma numbed me while going into 2017

[40:59] Looking back on the difficulties of 2017 and stepping back into my life

[43:52] How to help people that are grieving

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Dance Academy
• Article on the Molly B Musical
• Ellie's Way

Connect with Barb:

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Planning Molly's funeral and memorial was a difficult task while I kept my head above water. It was a whirlwind of 2 quick weeks where I made tough emotional decisions on what her funeral and musical would be like. Through it all, I had amazing community support through fundraising and over a thousand people showing up to her memorial.

Key Takeaways:

[4:39] Coming home from the hospital and coordinating with the funeral home

[10:05] My first Mother's Day without Molly

[15:33] Planning Molly's funeral

[21:04] Having the graveside service

[24:52] Getting together with family and my neighborhood

[27:02] Planning Molly B the Musical

[32:53] The community support surrounding the show

[36:37] The huge turnout to the show and media coverage

[41:23] The show ending and the finality of Molly's death hitting me

[43:48] The media coverage and scholarship fund

[46:02] Getting through Molly's death and her Christmas tree

[49:50] The support I have received from others

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Dance Academy
• Capitol Center for the Arts
• Article on the Molly B Musical

Connect with Barb:

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In this episode, I look back on the few months leading up to Molly's death and in particular, her last week alive. The few months leading up to Molly's death were frustrating, and I worried as her condition worsened. Come along with me as I look back on all the little steps that brought me here, and the amazing community support I had along the way.

Key Takeaways:

[2:50] Molly's first doctor appointment on February 28th

[6:03] Sleeping in and vomiting during March and the beginning of April

[8:24] Molly being written off at the doctor's for the second time

[10:40] Deciding to go to Amsterdam with Roy and my kids not wanting me to leave

[15:35] Molly going to the doctor again while I was in Amsterdam at the end of April

[16:28] Coming home and Molly going to the ER

[18:58] Molly getting weaker and the hospital not doing a CAT scan

[22:02] Molly stops breathing and being resuscitated

[23:44] Finding out Molly has a brain tumor and being transferred to a different hospital

[28:30] The people that came to visit us in the hospital on Monday and Tuesday

[30:24] Surgery to take the tumor out was a success and waiting for her to wake up

[33:44] Finding out Molly is brain dead and will never wake up

[38:27] Having to explain to my daughters dance group about Molly

[42:31] Inviting a wave of visitors on Thursday and Friday

[50:13] Molly making the news and laying in her bed on the last night

[51:57] Taking Molly off of life support on May 7th

Resources from this episode:

• Lawsuit
• David's House
• Concord Dance Academy

Connect with Barb:

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My daughters Gracie and Molly have an inseparable bond. As they've grown up throughout the years, they've had great times with dance and theatre, as well as struggles with friends and school. At the same time, I had my own struggles with my marriage and job loss. In this episode, I look back on my daughters growing up, and the crushing tragedy that was Molly's last week.

Key Takeaways:

[3:11] Gracie's arrival and my life when she was young

[6:15] Deciding to have Molly and her birth

[10:49] Learning to balance giving attention to my daughters

[12:46] Gracie and Molly's inseparable bond

[15:33] My daughters love of dancing and starting school

[17:58] Taking a year long sabbatical teaching health

[19:37] Getting suspended from my job and struggling to find motivation

[21:09] Fighting in my marriage

[23:53] Molly helping others in school

[27:07] Molly and Gracie's struggles in school and friends

[29:31] Gracie and Molly doing theatre

[32:30] The struggles in my marriage

[36:23] Trying to think back to where it all went wrong

[38:11] The last week of Molly's life

[42:19] Trying to cope with Molly's death as a family

[45:55] The tragedy, having to live with it, and kind gestures

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Dance Academy
• My job suspension
• RB Productions
• Molly's obituary
• Otto Frank's Quote

Connect with Barb:

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