A Thousand Tiny Steps

When I read that grief has been classified as Prolonged Grief Disorder, I had mixed feelings. I'm happy to see that more people can have access to treatment, but why does everything need a label? Grief will forever be a part of my life, it's not a linear timeline, and what is "normal" grief anyway? In this episode, I'll ponder if grief should be a disorder in the first place, or if doctors have it all wrong.

Key Takeaways:

[3:28] Being criticized for getting over grief "slowly" and being told to stop being sad

[5:25] Holding myself to a standard that's too high and what triggers me

[7:07] A parallel existence, the grief besides the joy

[8:21] You don't move on from being a parent

[11:07] Grief being classified as Prolonged Grief Disorder and how it's insulting

[15:23] Grief can't be classified in a neat little timeline

[18:07] How a child is categorized as special needs in different states

[20:02] Why do we have to label everything?

[22:24] How grief being classified as a disorder means people can get help they need

[24:53] There is no "normal" grief and it's a lifelong problem

[28:17] Grief is a long, long process and where I'm at in the process

[31:45] Being told to move on and peoples expectations

[33:21] It took me 2 and a half years for Molly's death to sink in

[35:36] Doctor's thoughts on how to treat grief as a disorder

[37:39] What's next for me and should grief be labeled as a disorder?

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• Mitchell's Journey
• Prolonged Grief Disorder by the NYT
• Prolonged Grief Disorder by the Washington Post

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Trauma has impacted my relationships with others throughout my entire life. From getting fired from multiple jobs to creating relationships with abusive people it has shook me to my core. After Molly's death, it became even more difficult with the expectations of those around me. Through it all, I think about how I changed after losing Molly and how I keep getting stuck in unhealthy relationships.

Key Takeaways:

[2:22] Getting fired from multiple jobs and struggling with my bosses

[7:11] Struggling to focus, feeling unsafe, and not maintaining relationships

[10:17] Getting stuck in relationships and finding boundaries a challenge

[13:58] Living a parallel life and finding abusive partners

[18:05] My friends have all gone through trauma

[20:06] My need to control the relationships in my life

[21:56] A lifelong struggle with executive functioning

[23:02] Hyper arousal causing an inability to prioritize

[24:43] Physical movement and trying to feel something

[27:41] Relationships change when you go through trauma

[29:52] My support system crumbled after Molly's death

[33:12] Physical touch is difficult and co-parenting with my ex

[35:29] My family was so supportive after Molly's death

[37:07] The reality of mortality and living in the moment

[38:47] Not being able to comfort all my loved ones in grief

[39:55] How grief affects marriage and often ends in divorce

[42:46] Being there for my daughter in grief and the "old Barb" being gone

[45:11] CrossFit games, foot surgery, and going to Disney

[49:14] Relationships with people who know the old vs. new Barb

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook

Connect with Barb:

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I often feel like I'm living a parallel life with the different faces I put on for different people. This week I especially felt that when I went to film a commercial for a hospital. I spent an amazing week in Utah telling my story about having Jack to a hospital that believed in me. Through it all, I talk about feeling like a chameleon in different groups.

Key Takeaways:

[1:04] Living a double life

[2:42] Montefiore hospital supporting me having a baby at 57

[6:39] Filming a commercial

[8:20] Being a chameleon in life

[10:02] The beautiful nature of Utah

[12:47] The crew helping to film the commercial

[16:31] Dissociation as a result of abuse

[20:14] Putting on different faces for different people

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• Barb's Interview with Montefiore Hospital
• Denny Gordan

Connect with Barb:

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The burden of hiding my grief to not make others uncomfortable is large. It is lonely in my grief with everyone wanting the "old Barb" back, but that won't happen. My grief has changed me and that causes people to drift away. In this episode, I explore the social aspects of grief and the toll it's taken on me.

Key Takeaways:

[2:17] Isolation in grief and carrying the burden

[3:20] Message from a woman who lost her children

[4:52] Looking for social connections that don't judge

[7:03] Another message from someone struggling with grief and PTSD

[8:20] The foundation: Friends of Aine and children struggling with grief

[9:35] Trauma from childhood abuse

[12:14] Trauma from losing my baby at 25 weeks

[13:47] Trauma from my job loss

[15:14] The impact from losing Molly

[16:26] People moving on and wanting the "old me" back

[20:05] The different way people grieve

[24:47] People drifting away in grief and the spiritual aspect

[27:03] Being defined by the area you live in

[29:13] Having lots of friends, but being isolated

[32:11] People don't like me making them uncomfortable with my grief

[36:13] Self sabotage, struggling to stick to a schedule, and filling my time

[40:43] How the responsibilities of grief drag me down

[42:43] Year one after Molly died being the worst and year two the fog lifted

[43:48] Year three settling the lawsuit and validating feelings

[45:30] "Normal" will never be the same

[47:12] How grief is intertwined in my life

[50:18] I want to normalize the social reality of loss and death

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• Friends of Aine
• Camp Erin

Connect with Barb:

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I really made a breakthrough with understanding my self sabotaging behavior and healing the trauma versus the situation. In this episode, I dive into why I sabotage myself when organizing my life, how culture affects how trauma is seen, and the difference between happy and traumatic memories.

Key Takeaways:

[0:55] Struggling with scheduling my life

[3:27] Reacting trauma

[5:41] Seeing coincidences everywhere

[7:51] Being outspoken about my trauma and being told to be quiet

[11:24] Happy versus traumatic memories: my children's birth

[13:31] Happy versus traumatic memories: Molly's belongings

[23:08] Letting go of physical objects

[24:53] Healing the trauma versus the situation

[28:53] Keep ending up in the same situations and self sabotage

[33:25] Perspective alters memory and culture effects trauma

[36:15] Trying to make big changes in my life

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• The Blind Side
• Barb on Hearst TV

Connect with Barb:

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Hindsight is a funny thing. Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy, my daughter's health leading up to her death, and all the other choices made leave me in a tailspin. In this episode, I look into the trauma I've experienced and how I reenacted it with the choices I made.

Key Takeaways:

[1:12] Trauma never goes away and retracing my steps

[3:43] Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy

[5:46] My kids getting upset and looking back on the choices I made

[9:37] Reenacting trauma that I've experienced

[12:58] Penny pinching and choosing between a Disney trip and dance classes

[15:42] Kenny being an amazing father and not wanting to cause disruption

[17:34] Taking Molly to the doctor's, but wondering: did I do enough?

[20:13] Taking the power from traumatic memories

[21:35] Dealing with trauma after trauma, while my kids didn't want the family apart

[23:11] Doing a movie with White Plains Hospital

[24:40] Recognizing the fantastic things I've done among the struggle

[26:27] The process of letting things go

[28:50] Thank you to Taylor for my shirt

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• The Sixth Sense
• The Nest Support Group
• Montefiore with Barb's story
• The Nest shop

Connect with Barb:

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I never expected to start running track and field in high school with severe asthma. When I began running, I discovered I was great at it and went on to break records. Through the ups and downs, running helped me to solidify my identity, feel confident within myself, and set goals. In this episode, I tell the story of breaking the mile in under 5 minutes which took me on a lifelong trajectory of achievement.

Key Takeaways:

[1:55] How my ex-husband and I dealt with the separation

[4:04] Wanting my children to have a sibling

[8:09] Officiating track races and timing road races

[11:35] Dealing with bad asthma and not doing PE

[15:45] Signing up for track and field

[18:34] Making a breakthrough with running

[22:37] Advancing in my running career and shaping my identity

[24:35] Loving my body while running and feeling confident

[26:55] Running becoming my main identity and finding my people

[30:15] Continuing to break records

[32:59] Struggling to keep it together mentally

[33:58] Having a setback with pneumonia

[34:58] After 2 years of work, breaking the mile in under 5 minutes

[39:21] Running made me feel supported, confident, and let me work towards my goals

[41:44] Running made me see my body as strong

[43:19] Keeping my head above water and anxiety at bay

[46:01] Learning to take a chance on something that seems unlikely

[48:35] I did an interview with Sean Wright

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• The World According to Garp
• Sean Waight

Connect with Barb:

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CrossFit has helped me physically and mentally through my job loss and Molly's death. Times were tough: being on food stamps, my house almost being put up for auction, and getting divorced all rolled into one. Through it all I had exercise which allowed me to step out of my body and keep busy.

Key Takeaways:

[2:13] Traumatic events send me spiraling

[8:06] Running for school board

[11:35] Working small jobs and discovering CrossFit

[15:31] Loving CrossFit and how it helped me mentally

[19:46] Keeping myself busy to maintain that everything was okay

[21:16] Pulling in consistent wages, but my husband's business was failing

[23:12] Getting divorced and my house almost being auctioned off

[26:03] Going to therapy and participating in a CrossFit fundraiser

[30:03] Always competing in sports and in life

[31:19] Struggling to compete after Molly died

[34:14] Stepping out of my body while doing CrossFit

[39:09] Using hiking and skiing as a type of therapy

[44:18] My desire to keep everything okay

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• Homeless to Harvard
• Barbells for Boobs

Connect with Barb:

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My job loss took a major hit to my confidence and it caused me to struggle to support my family through tough times. I struggled to stay present and practice mindfulness during these difficult times. In this episode, I explore what brought me to my job loss and my struggles with staying present within myself.

Key Takeaways:

[1:58] Neurological connection between mother and child

[5:19] Becoming self aware as a person

[7:07] How the Blind Side affected me

[10:35] Disassociating with my job loss

[12:35] Different responses to traumatic events: fight, flight, or freeze

[17:03] My struggle to stay present and be mindful

[24:53] 2011: spending more time with Gracie and Molly and meeting Robin

[27:22] My crumbling marriage and working at VLACS

[29:41] Trying to support my family and falling in love with CrossFit

[32:02] Feeling better in 2012 with my body and mind

[34:34] Learning more about trauma, working out, and reflection

Resources from this episode:

• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• The Blind Side
• Glennon Doyle Podcast

Connect with Barb:

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I have been reading so many wonderful books to learn more abuse, relationships, and illness within the body. These books have allowed me to examine my own actions and shame that comes with being abused. In this episode, I explore my actions that lead to this point, give an update on my life, and look at what's ahead for this season.

Key Takeaways:

[3:00] What's next for season 3

[8:32] The book Power about surviving narcissistic abuse

[10:27] The book The Body Keeps the Score

[11:04] The book Taking the Work Out of Networking

[11:58] Dealing with alcoholism and illness

[15:10] The shame that comes with abuse

[18:54] Chronic illness in women

[23:37] Updates on my life: surgery and my kids

Resources from this episode:

• Power
• Taking the Work Out of Networking
• The Body Keeps the Score
• The Body Keeps the Score Workbook
• Podcast Episode "Lets Get Better"

Connect with Barb:

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