A Thousand Tiny Steps

Long before I lost Molly, I lost my first baby, Gordy from a heart defect and his loss followed me. I didn't plan on having kids, but Gordy was the first in a chain reaction of interesting events, and through time has shown me each of my children have played an important role in my life. In this episode, I discuss the trauma of losing my first child and how that affected my outlook when I had my other children.

Key Takeaways:

[3:58] Going off the pill and finding out I'm pregnant

[10:50] Finding out my baby has a heart defect

[17:56] The crushing realization that my baby wasn't going to live

[20:26] The nerves from giving birth to Gordy

[22:58] The aftermath of losing my baby and donating his body

[28:11] Having my second child, Gracie and getting married

[34:58] The importance of each of my children and the pain of child loss

[36:44] Thank you to the people who helped me

Resources from this episode:

• Ellie's way grief group
• Ellie's Way

Connect with Barb:

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November 9, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 10

The Loss of my First Child

The trauma, grief, and guilt that comes with child loss is immense. My day to day life changed after my daughter Molly died, but with the help of online grief groups I've been able to work on my trauma. Not only has my life changed, but my daughter's life was turned upside down and it has been an uphill battle to return to "normal" life.

Key Takeaways:

[6:14] The bond between my daughters

[13:56] Changes in my family and the traditions we hold

[15:45] Children dying before their parents

[18:41] What life was like after Molly died

[25:49] Experience of fathers after child loss

[27:30] The effects of Gracie losing her sister Molly

[29:00] Power of online grief groups

[30:18] Guilt that comes with losing a child

[33:03] The future of the podcast

[35:10] The importance of small acts of kindness

Resources from this episode:

• Camp Erin
• Moyer Foundation
• Ellie's way grief group
• Ellie's Way
• Ivory Ella hat

Connect with Barb:

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November 2, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 9

Grief and Guilt After Death

When Jack was born it made me think of his future, the support system he has, and how I have to be mindful of my trauma when parenting. Child loss and grief have impacted how I parent and made me express my gratitude for others in my life on a daily basis. In this episode, I explore my awareness of these tumultuous emotions and trying to create healthy relationships through grief.

Key Takeaways:

[3:48] Gratitude for the people in my life

[7:40] The bond my children have together

[11:23] Life in my house and reframing how I think about Molly

[15:40] The support from social media and the CrossFit community

[21:05] Thinking of Jack's future, my age, and the support system he has

[26:01] Going through IVF and people's personal questions

[28:57] The community surrounding IVF and the diversity

[32:08] The impact of grief and child loss

[35:13] Raising my children through grief

[37:55] Being mindful of my trauma

[41:47] Not being limited by societal expectations

Resources from this episode:

• Dr.Cardone
• Human Milk 4 Human Babies New Hampshire

Connect with Barb:

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October 26, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 8

Episode Title: Child Loss and Parenting Through Grief

Times have changed from when I had my first child to now. My parenting style, social media use, and the changing culture about what makes a family has had profound effects on me. Stemming from the generational gaps in my household and the trauma I've endured, life is different. But underneath it all, I've seen the similarities between people, especially parents and not what makes us different, but what unites us.

Key Takeaways:

[2:20] The concept of family and where Jack belongs

[5:47] Generational gap in our family

[11:08] How I've changed as a mother

[13:24] The trauma that I've passed onto my children and the effects of abuse

[19:02] My morning routine and Jack going to daycare

[22:51] Gracie's role in Jack's life

[25:06] Changing the narrative for women having children

[26:44] The effect of social media on my life

[31:01] The differences in parenting

[33:03] The effect of having older parents

[36:25] Changing culture around different families

[39:23] Everyone's journey is different

Connect with Barb:

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October 19, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 7

Episode Title: The Generational Gap and Changing Culture

When I had Jack, my phone would not stop ringing. From Good Morning America to The Today Show my story has been shared to thousands of people. I have had so many positive responses, but along with the positive came the stress and consequences of having my life publicized. This week, I'll go into the response of the media and my struggles with breastfeeding Jack, and the support I gained from other women.

Key Takeaways:

[1:02] Creating community and spending time with friends

[5:12] My phone ringing off the hook

[6:34] Struggle of being in the spotlight for my family

[8:31] Connecting with others through the media

[10:49] The dark side of my life being publicized

[13:32] The trauma of losing a child

[15:09] Taking things day by day and making goals

[16:48] The superficial side of social media

[18:42] Breastfeeding Jack, the struggles, and the support from women

[26:18] Life with Jack now and finding happiness

Resources from this episode:

• Center for the Arts
• RB Productions
• Margaret Porter
• Virginia Macgregor
• Barb on The Today Show
• Barb on Good Morning America
• Barb on NBC
• Barb on Daily Mail
• Human Milk 4 Human Babies New Hampshire

Connect with Barb:

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October 12, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 6

Episode Title: The Media Frenzy

In this episode, I go more in depth about my emotional experience being pregnant and giving birth. From my friends and family's reaction to me having a baby and dealing with the difficulties of breastfeeding it was a wild ride.

Key Takeaways:

[2:50] The first round of IVF failing

[5:45] Keeping my pregnancy under wraps

[7:26] People's reaction to me having a baby at 57

[10:55] Going to the gym

[13:46] Discovering my preeclampsia diagnosis

[18:24] My experience giving birth

[25:10] Meeting Jack

[26:46] Experience with breastfeeding

[28:04] My hospital stay after giving birth

[30:55] Gracie meeting Jack

[32:57] Making time for myself

Resources from this episode:

• Dr.Cardone
• Dr.Chaudhari
• Tony Schinella's Article on Barb
• Air-Rin Photography

Connect with Barb:

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October 5, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 5

Episode Title: My Emotional Labor

Being an older mother had its challenges from doing two IVF transfers to dealing with preeclampsia. In this episode, I discuss my IVF experience, keeping my pregnancy a secret for months, and the journey of Jack's birth.

Key Takeaways:

[1:14] The importance of Jack's birth and cleaning my house

[5:01] Preparing for IVF

[7:23] The first IVF transfer

[11:12] Plethora of tests and COVID putting a hold on IVF

[16:52] The second transfer

[18:44] Finding out I was pregnant

[20:58] Keeping my pregnancy a secret

[27:00] Telling Gracie I'm pregnant and navigating it as a family

[30:23] CrossFit accomplishments

[32:15] The connection made with my ultrasound technician

[36:37] The response I received to having a baby

[37:49] Christmas Eve and Gracie's allergic reaction

[39:48] Thinking about the risks of pregnancy as an older mother

[42:28] Struggling to accept preeclampsia

[45:51] Going into labor

[48:02] Giving birth with no epidural

[51:32] Jack is born

[54:17] The importance of self-care

Resources from this episode:

• Karen Kenney

• Dr.Cardone
• Dr.Chaudhari
• Carol Leonard
• Rachel Hunger

Connect with Barb:

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September 28, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 4

Episode Title: My IVF Experience

Having a baby was far from my mind in this episode as we dive into my medical tragedies and of course, the wonderful support system I met along the way. From my brain tumors, to my jaw surgery, to Kenny receiving a kidney, and the joy that came from the tragedy of Rachel Hunger's death.

Key Takeaways:

[1:36] Finding out I have brain tumors

[7:12] Neurological tests and scheduling surgery

[10:45] Christmas time and trying for normalcy

[12:07] Going into surgery

[15:19] The wonderful visitors that helped me along the way

[18:45] The aftermath of surgery

[20:56] Miraculous recovery and the connections I made

[23:31] Having surgery for my jaw

[25:09] Getting back to daily life

[26:45] Rachel Hunger on life support

[29:38] Kenny receives a kidney from Rachel

[30:35] Recovering from operations and finally getting to have a baby

Resources from this episode:

• Dr.Cardone
• Dr.Eskandar
• Barb's brain tumor story
• Dr.Tanase
• White Plains Hospital
• Rachel Hunger
• Trigeminal neuralgia

Connect with Barb:

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September 21, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 3

Episode Title: Discovering my Brain Tumors

Having a baby at 57 was a long journey between having surgery, struggling with my medication, going through a lawsuit, and trying to keep my families heads above water. In this episode, I am going to dive into the process of having Jack, the people that helped make that happen, and the obstacles I met along the way.

Key Takeaways:

[1:06] Building a sense of community

[2:29] The pill and beginning my journey as a mother

[5:00] Losing my first baby

[8:49] Planning to have Gracie and Molly

[9:54] The unexpected turn of losing Molly

[12:45] Having dreams about a baby

[18:18] Going to a fertility clinic as an older mother

[21:22] A plethora of tests and the large cost of IVF

[22:55] Getting through a lawsuit

[23:55] Keeping my family together and processing emotions

[26:15] Going off my medication and struggling

[30:35] Having surgery for my jaw

[32:36] The profound people I met along the way

[34:54] Finding joy in my daily life

Resources from this episode:

• Dr. Chaudhari
• Dr. Cardone
• Lawsuit
• Trigeminal neuralgia
• Karen Kenney

Connect with Barb:

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September 14, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 2

Episode Title: The Beginnings of Jack

In this episode, I'm thrilled to take you through my life with all the ups and downs that have occurred. From working as a teacher, having a baby at 57, losing my daughter, and reconciling with grief my life is full of extraordinary events. Today I'm going to be sharing an overview of my struggles and the importance of leaning on others.

Key Takeaways:

[1:49] Childhood and university experience

[4:02] My journey as a teacher and forced resignation

[6:40] Starting Crossfit and marriage struggles

[9:51] Molly's death and the ripple effect

[12:56] Having a baby at 57

[14:31] Tracing my steps backward

[19:29] What you can get out of this podcast

[24:05] Learning how to ask for help

[28:39] Getting through grief

[31:44] The connection between Jack and Molly

[36:27] The room I'm recording in, guilt, and finding your purpose

[40:05] 5 years of healing since Molly's death

[41:24] The importance of bringing happiness to others and yourself

Resources from this episode:

• Who Not How
• Karen Kenney
• Glennon Doyle
• Virginia MacGregor
• Barb's Patch Articles
• Barb in the Concord Monitor
• Toni Morrison
• Air-Rin Photography
• Cristina Cummings
• Rachel Hunger
• Jace Apollo Creative

Connect with Barb:

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September 7, 2021

Podcast: A Thousand Tiny Steps

Episode #: 1

Episode Title: My Life Story