Will Book II never end? Will Jason ever stop giving Bobby Bringdown, Milton Melancholy kinds of speeches? What kind of a hero, we ask you, has to be dragged by his crew, with great reluctance, toward his heroic destination? And, does successful storytelling jerk the reader endlessly from peak to trough in terms of the characters' emotional registry? Tune in this week as Jeff and Dave seek to answer these questions and tie up some loose ends from the second quarter of Apollonius' epic effort. As always in this tale, the shadow of Heracles falls wide across the landscape. As Jason and crew come near the Acherusian Cape along the Black Sea coast, famous entrance to the underworld, King Lycus welcomes them with extra xenia. He's glad that the bully Amycus has been defeated, along with the rowdy Bebrycians. But such a warm reception soon grows cold when crew members Idmon and Tiphys meet a quick demise. Cave aprum, O Idmon! So now Lycus must share in the mourning as Colchis finally rolls into view.

It may seem simple. But getting a crew to rise to the occasion, sail a boat to Colchis, and recover the golden fleece is not exactly baked-in. With the Smashing Symplegades lying staight ahead, for the heroes it's tonight, tonight, or never. But this is the voyage Jason and co. signed up for. Tiphys and everyone else have to pull together. So this episode is a mix of stern-scraping action - "Look out, rocks!" - strange digressions, musing on the perfect length for an epic simile, and more. Jeff finds Apollonius' descriptions of Athena's action lovely and compelling, but Dave is still left wondering if Jason qualifies for the title of hero, even after all the Hellenestic stretching of the term. So tune in and find out why people say about this show, in the words of Mary Jenkins, "I was here when you came, baby, and I'll be here when you're gone!"

Is life just unrelenting drudgery? Sure, the Psalmist describes it as a "vale of tears". But that bitterness is routinely alleviated by sweet music, good food, tenderness, friendship, the delight of a clever plan coming together (thanks, George Peppard), tears of joy as well as of sorrow. Or at least there is in real life and in Homer's Odyssey. But there doesn't seem to be much (any?) of those things in Christopher Nolan's unrealistic screen adaptation of the famous epic. Jeff and Dave devoted three hours of their lives to seeing the movie, now they ask you to surrender one hour of yours to listen to their screed. Bottom line? Nolan's Odysseus is a flattened, unimaginative, perpetually depressed character. His Calypso is dull, unappealing, merely therapeutic. His Penelope merely regal, not her husband's witty match as in Homer. And the gods? Though frequently mentioned and referenced, and in the case of Zendaya's Athena occasionally seen, the movie would have been pretty much the same without them. In conclusion, despite the stunning visuals, despite the beautiful scenery, give us the shampoo commercial of Wolfgang Peterson's Troy. And don't even get us started on the music. Back to School coupon code for Dr. Noe's Greek and Latin classes : AUTUMN15.

Beggar-boxing as in the Odyssey? Not this time. Apollonius in book 2 of his epic brings out the arrogant king of the Bebrycians, Amycus. He may seem kind enough to his neighbors, but no one goes away from his door without getting challenged for a fisticuffs to the death. Then along comes Jason and crew, who receive no xenia, but quickly put the pugilist Polydeuces up to pummeling the king into compliance. Book 2 also features the fabulous story of Phineus the prophet. Poor guy can see the future, but can never get past the appetizers in his meal, thanks to Zeus, before a Stygian stank ruins it all. Thankfully, the Minyans also have with them the sons of Boreas, the North wind. They cash in some frequent flyer miles and release Phienus from the terrible, chimeric, stench-laden, bird women, and tout suite, Harpy Days are here to stay! Tune in for more epic adventures and a really bad opening pun.

If you're Jason, and you need to find that golden fleece in order to escape the curse of the man with the one sandal, and then get back to your hometown of Iolcus to reclaim the throne from Uncle Stealy, don't let some six-armed heaving monsters, midnight mistaken identity, and the loss of Superman (Heracles) slow you down. This week Jeff and Dave resume their voyage through the story of the Argonauts by polishing off the adventures of Book I. But has any epic hero lacked more luster than this guy? When Hercules goes off to find something to replace his now toothpicked oar, and his trustee squire Hylas gets nymphnapped, the hulking brute is off the boat from grief and on the hunt for the ensnared lad. This is the perfect time for Jason to step up, act like Achilles, Aeneas, or at least Odysseus. Instead, the whole nested tale has more than a Whiff of Elpenor™ quality to it, and Jason sits brooding, quietly. Tune in to take a deeper look into this Hellenistic epic. Is it big book, big problem, à la Callimachus, or does Apollonius win this round?

Catch a quick bite of the Classics this week courtesy of 'Doug' at Etymonline. On the menu is a discussion of the first English dictionary, the Latinate tome of Henry Cockeram, 1623. Jeff and Dave also stratuminate your path toward the labors of Sir Thomas Elyot, another aspiring neologist who sought to beef up the paucity of the English verbalate with some gems exveined of Latin. The question is, does English with its popping and snapping monosyllables really have room for meridiation ("a sleeping at noone-tide"), desipiate ("to wax foolish"), and galluate ("beginne to have a big voice")? Hard to say, but we advise that you just morigerate ("do as commanded"), stop secubating ("lying about by one's selfe"), and knock off any desire to bubulcitate ("cry like a cowboy"). Rather, transliminate the vomitorium with us! It'll be persebonate, and we make that claim with all bellitude. 

Welcome to stop number two on the guys' journey from Iolcus to Colchis (and back!). With preliminaries covered, this week Dave and Jeff drfit through Book 1 of Apollonius’ Argonautica and continue to puzzle over Jason’s milquetoast administrative style. Is this meant to be reflective of an Athenian democratic ideal, as though Homeric arete has hit a sunset clause? And what is up with Heracles? Gone is the baudy, brawling, wine-binging, lion-wrestler. In his place we get deference, restrained statemanship, a level head, and...coach seating?  But we know you all are eager to get out to sea, so first stop Lemnos where we learn that while it’s always good to pack extra Speed Stick, you don’t always need it. And, tune in for the drawing of our free Hackett title, a copy of the Berg & Parker translation of Plautus and Terence: Five Comedies. 

Crashing rocks, a golden fleece, the smelly women of Lemnos, a lost waterboy, fraternal murder, potions, and Jason, the very unheroic lead...ready for another epic? Join Dave and Jeff as they climb aboard the Argo with a roster of heroes from the days before the Trojan war. The Hellenistic poet Apollonius of Rhodes (d. circa 215 B.C.) takes us on a four-book, seafaring journey from distant and exotic Colchis all the way back to Thessalian Iolcus. Can Jason reclaim the throne from his wicked uncle Pelias by himself, or does he need the sorceress Medea, granddaughter of the sun, to make up for his many heroic deficiencies? What does the prophecy of the "man with one sandal" have to do with the tale, and does Apollonius' epic really fit Hellenistic sensibilities of "big book, big problem"? Or, is there something else involved? Tune in to find out, and don't miss your final chance to catch the secret code word and enter to win a free copy of the Berg & Parker translation of Plautus and Terence: Five Comedies, courtesy of Hackett. 

Tune in this week for a quick eructation as Jeff and Dave review the disturbing story of Lucius Pedanius Secundus, Roman aristocrat, who in A.D. 61 was murdered by one of his household slaves. The aftermath of this violent act was notoriously brutal: Tacitus tells us all 400 other slaves in Pedanius' house, whether implicated in the crime or ignorant of it, including women and infants, were scheduled for crucifixion. Tacitus also records that a mob of Roman citizens rioted and stormed the senate building, seeking to prevent the enforcement of the ancient law. Drawing from Annales XIV.42-45, the hosts look at arguments for and against the justice of such an act, the constraints of mos maiorum, and the final outcome of the whole nasty affair, because of Nero's intervention. Grim, yes, but history, as Edward Gibbon says, "...is, indeed, little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind."

Join the guys this week for a quick takedown of three recent translations of Homer's Odyssey, courtesy of Prof. Richard Whitaker of the University of Cape Town (Acta Classica, 2020). In six weeks, the Christopher Nolan adaptation of the Odyssey will hit the big screen, based on Emily Wilson's translation. But does this new rendition of the epic have sufficient gravitas, not to mention accuracy, to carry the story? Dave and Jeff look at this question from as many angles as a 30-minute episode will allow, including: style, word choice, faithfulness to Homer's moral vision, and more. There is also a quick take on the Anthony Verity and Peter Green versions, with their respective strengths. So grab some Classics on the go (take them in kinda between meals) and keep them down! You'll be gurgling all the way to greater Classical profundity. And don't miss secret code words like braggart, and fantastic summer sales, AESTAS15!