You've seen the posts: "Never date someone with ADHD" vs "ADHD is a superpower." Both sides are loud, both are pissed, and both are missing the point.

Most relationship research measures executive function, not love. And when we use neurotypical relationship standards to evaluate ADHD partnerships, we're measuring the wrong shit.

In this episode, I break down what the data shows, why the parent child dynamic happens, and what accommodation looks like when you stop pretending ADHD brains work like neurotypical ones.

ADHD doesn't ruin relationships, but unmanaged symptoms, rigid expectations, and zero accommodation? Yeah, that'll do it.

If you've ever been told you're "lazy," "not trying hard enough," or "just lack discipline"... yeah, this one's for you.

I sat down with ADHD educator Kendall Delamont for a conversation about what ADHD really is and all the bullshit it's not. We're talking about why ADHD isn't a moral failing or a time management problem, why the internet's dopamine obsession is mostly wrong, and why generic ADHD advice is basically set up to make you feel like shit.

We get into the real stuff:

The bottom line?  ADHD isn't one thing. It's a your brain thing — and moving forward means actual education, self-compassion, and systems designed for real human brains, not fantasy ones.

Find Kendall: theadhdtoolkit.com | @theadhdtoolkit

Kendall Delamont holds a B.A. in Behavioural Sciences, a B.Ed., and certification as an ADHD Educator. She spent 8 years teaching in the classroom before creating The ADHD Toolkit– a series of in-depth, research-based courses designed to support people with ADHD and the people who love them.

Thanks to her own ADHD diagnosis, Kendall brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her work. She's passionate about equipping others with practical tools designed to work with the ADHD brain rather than heaping on shame, guilt, and ineffective viral trends. 

Kendall also empowers over 200k followers across her social media platforms with practical strategies, relatable experience shares, and ever-advancing scientific research.

In this episode of ADHD Realities, I’m unpacking why the way we talk about desire — especially in heterosexual relationships — has never sat right with me. For years, we’ve framed libido differences as “higher vs. lower drive,” quietly centering access instead of capacity, and calling it neutral. It isn’t.

We talk about what happens when desire gets mistaken for entitlement, why fluctuating desire (especially in women’s bodies) is so often pathologized, and how ADHD, nervous system regulation, hormones, perimenopause, menopause, stress, and life stage all shape access to desire in ways effort alone can’t fix.

I also dig into why “weaponized incompetence” is frequently misapplied in these conversations, why desire is a state — not a skill — and what real accountability actually looks like when two people want different things. This episode isn’t about blaming men, excusing shutdown, or telling anyone to settle. It’s about honesty, capacity, compatibility, and knowing when a relationship can be redesigned — and when it can’t.

This is not a how-to episode. It’s a reality check. Because no book, podcast, or framework can replace the work of understanding your own layers and deciding what kind of relationship truly works for your body, your brain, and your life.

In this episode, I’m joined by Caitlin V, sex and relationship coach, researcher, and host of Good Sex, for a conversation that is giving male pleasure the nuance it deserves.

We unpack why so many men experience sex as pressure instead of pleasure and how performance anxiety shows up as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, or complete shutdown, often without anyone naming what’s happening.

This isn’t a “just relax” or “take a pill” conversation.

We talk about:

Why performance anxiety is less about control and more about tension—physical, emotional, relational, and neurological

How porn, cultural scripts, and silence around male pleasure shape insecurity and self-monitoring

Why many men are hyper-focused on their partner’s experience while completely disconnected from their own bodies

The role of breath, pacing, communication, laughter, and nervous system regulation in sexual control

How ADHD can complicate arousal, stimulation, and orgasm—for better and worse

Where premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation may  be adaptive responses

Why male pleasure is culturally minimized while male performance is overemphasized

We also dive deep into Erotic Blueprints and how naming arousal styles can radically shift shame into curiosity, creativity, and agency.

This episode is for:

Men who feel like sex has become a test they keep failing

Partners who don’t understand why “trying harder” makes things worse

Clinicians and educators who want a more humane, body-based framework for male sexuality

Anyone ready to stop treating sex like a machine problem and start understanding it as a whole-person experience

If you’ve ever wondered why sex feels harder instead of more connected—or why no one ever gave you the blueprint—this conversation is for you.

“She has energy for everything else — just not for me.”

This episode unpacks one of the most common and damaging misunderstandings I see in relationships, especially when ADHD and autism are part of the picture.

We’re talking about why energy isn’t about effort, love, or priority, it’s about access, executive function load, and nervous system cost. And why, in heterosexual relationships, women are so often carrying the emotional and executive labor of the relationship until there’s nothing left.

This isn’t about blaming partners or making blanket statements. It’s about understanding how unexamined expectations, gendered roles, and neurodivergent burnout quietly erode connection and why personalizing that burnout keeps couples stuck.

You won’t leave with neat answers.

Disclaimer:

What happens when sex therapy is built for brains that don’t work like yours?

In this episode, I sit down with clinical sexologist, researcher, and former dissertation chair Dr. Erika Miley for an unfiltered, deeply nerdy, and very human conversation about ADHD, sexuality, and why so many people—especially cis women and AFAB individuals—are still being failed by the research and clinical models meant to help them.

We talk about the massive gaps in ADHD and sexuality research after puberty, the harm of moralized language in scientific literature, and why traditional sex therapy approaches often increase shame instead of pleasure for neurodivergent clients. We dive into attention, arousal, distraction during sex, performance pressure, and what can help ADHD brains stay engaged—without pathologizing them.

This conversation is part research deep-dive, part lived experience, and part call-out to the field: if clinicians aren’t trained in neurodivergence, they’re going to miss the mark.

Whether you’re a provider, a researcher, or someone with ADHD who’s been told to “just relax” or “be more present” during sex—this episode will make you feel seen and give you language for what’s really going on.

More about Dr. Erika Miley:

Every January, the world expects us to reinvent ourselves like we’re software updates — new routines, new habits, new personalities. But ADHD brains aren’t failing resolutions… resolutions are failing us.

In this Extra Hot, no-BS episode, I break down exactly why New Year’s resolutions collapse for ADHD minds (especially if you’re juggling work, parenting, sensory overload, or perimenopause chaos). We get into the science of executive function, dopamine drop-off, time blindness, emotional regulation, and why Dr. Russell Barkley deserves a shrine for explaining ADHD better than half the self-help industry.

You’ll hear the truth about:

🔥 Why “fresh start energy” feels amazing… until February hits

Plus, a listener Q&A that dives into ADHD activation issues, autistic sensory load, PDA demand avoidance, nervous system shutdowns, and how to build goals that support your brain instead of suffocating it.

If you’ve ever set a resolution, bought the planner, color coded the pens, made the vision board, and then abandoned the whole thing by week two… this episode will feel like oxygen.

You’re not the problem.

Press play. Let’s tell the truth about January.

Why are we still recycling 1800s pseudoscience about masturbation? In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Eric Sprankle to unpack where these beliefs started, why they stubbornly survive, and how moral panic replaces real science. From fetal self-soothing to porn ‘addiction’ myths, to why ADHD brains often get misdiagnosed — we hit every uncomfortable truth with humor, clarity, and zero shame.

What if your “rotting brain” isn’t rotting at all — it’s regulating?

In this fiery, science meets sarcasm episode, Dr. Leann Borneman breaks down the viral panic around rot culture and doomscrolling — and explains why most of the research behind it was never designed for ADHD brains in the first place.

We’ll talk about:

Why scrolling funny, happy, or comfort content isn’t “doomscrolling” (and why everyone’s using that term wrong)

How weak neurotypical studies turned into moral panic headlines about “screen addiction”

The ADHD paradox of being overstimulated and bored at the same damn time

Why shame — not screens — is what’s frying our nervous systems

And how to figure out whether your scrolling is regulation or avoidance

With humor, science, and a few well-placed f-bombs, Dr. Borneman flips the conversation on overstimulation and teaches you how to decode your own dopamine, not demonize it.

💥 Maybe the problem isn’t screens — maybe it’s our refusal to see nuance.

🎧 Listen now.

Fabio, R. A., & Suriano, R. (2024). The Role of Smartphone Use in Sensory Processing: Differences Between Adolescents with ADHD and Typical Development. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 21(12), 1705. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph21121705

Meng Z, Ao B, Wang W, Niu T, Chen Y, Ma X, Huang Y. Relationships between screen time and childhood attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a Mendelian randomization study. Front Psychiatry. 2024 Sep 23;15:1441191. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1441191. PMID: 39376970; PMCID: PMC11457377.

Przybylski AK, Weinstein N. Digital Screen Time Limits and Young Children's Psychological Well-Being: Evidence From a Population-Based Study. Child Dev. 2019 Jan;90(1):e56-e65. doi: 10.1111/cdev.13007. Epub 2017 Dec 13. PMID: 29235663.

Shabahang, Reza & Hwang, Hyeyeon & Thomas, Emma & Aruguete, Mara & McCutcheon, Lynn & Gábor, Orosz & Hossienkhanzadeh, Abbas Ali & Mokhtari Chirani, Benyamin & Zsila, Ágnes. (2024). Doomscrolling Evokes Existential Anxiety and Fosters Pessimism about Human Nature? Evidence from Iran and the United States. Computers in Human Behavior Reports. 15. 100438. 10.1016/j.chbr.2024.100438. 

Why were we all labeled “too much” before we ever got a diagnosis? Let’s interrupt that story.

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too emotional,” “too reactive,” or just “too much,” this one’s for you.

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