Adoptees Crossing Lines

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An open letter to the people who bought me

Yesterday I decided to text my adoptive parents that they failed me as parents, it was the first time I ever confronted them. I talk about how they responded in this episode and open up about being sexually assaulted as a child…then gaslighted. This was never my burden to carry, but they always blamed me. They used religion as a guise to avoid responsibility. Instead of risking the possibility of ruining their image, they chose to definitely ruin my life. 

This episode is an open letter to my adoptive parents, the people who bought me. 

“Shame dies when we tell our story”

What we discussed 

(00:00) What happened yesterday OR What I texted my adoptive parents OR Telling my adoptive parents they failed me

(01:52) No one believed I was sexually assaulted OR Being sexually assaulted was MY fault???! 

(06:45) They were EDUCATORS 

(08:06) Should child protective services be abolished? OR Abolishing child protective services? OR Why I’m an abolitionist 

(09:42) Olivia Atkocaitis’ story 

(11:02) How the police failed me before I was born OR The police system is not broken. 

(14:22) My parents were cowards OR I’m relieved he died 

(17:38) Standing up to my parents for the first time 

(20:15) How they responded

(25:36) Why I sent the text

(28:39) Own your story 

Links

Olivia Atkocaitis’ Story on NBC 

Follow us on social media: Twitter | Instagram | Tiktok

Learn more about Lia

Credits

Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or e-mail him at [email protected] 

Navigating Relationships as an Adoptee

Episode Summary:

In this episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, Noelle, Lia, and Tosha explore the complexities of navigating relationships as adoptees. From dating to friendships and family dynamics, they discuss how adoption trauma, abandonment issues, and people-pleasing tendencies impact their ability to connect with others. The conversation delves into why adoptees may struggle to feel secure in relationships and why educating partners and friends is so important. They also provide advice for those looking to build healthy relationships with adoptees.

In this episode, we cover:

(01:03) Sharing adoption status with partners and how it affects relationships.
(03:25) Lia discusses the difficulty of explaining estranged family relationships.
(04:05) Noelle reflects on fear of abandonment and its impact on introducing partners to family.
(06:26) The burden of educating partners and the need for them to educate themselves.
(07:51) Noelle’s positive experience of having a partner who actively learns about adoption.
(09:16) The struggle of being a people pleaser due to adoption trauma.
(12:22) Lia’s struggle to believe people truly care about her and feeling disposable.
(14:17) Noelle’s difficulty with bonding and having few deep relationships.
(15:45) The pressure to constantly put others first and ignore one's own needs.
(18:08) Noelle struggles to assert herself and avoid making others uncomfortable.
(19:05) Lia’s experience with friends not understanding how deeply adoption affects her.
(21:02) Lia’s attempt to address trauma with her adoptive parents and how it went poorly.
(22:55) The challenge of confronting adoptive parents about trauma and lack of accountability.
(24:51) The most challenging aspects of navigating relationships as an adoptee.
(28:08) Advice for those looking to build healthy relationships with adoptees.

Call To Action:

Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
• Instagram: @adopteescrossinglines
• BlueSky: adopteecrossing.bsky.social
• TikTok: @adopteescrossinglines_
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Resources:

Peer Support Space - A free global online peer support group for those who survived the system as kids. Register here.

Work With Me:

Email: [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.

Editing by Samuel Oyedele:

Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast. Support his work on Instagram or email him at [email protected].

Saviorism, Narcissism, and the Adoption Industry

Episode Summary:

 In this episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, Noelle, Lia, and Tosha discuss adoption as it relates to saviorism and narcissism, particularly in the context of adoptive parents. They explore how saviorism centers the adoptive parents while disregarding the child's needs and how adoption as an industry upholds harmful power dynamics. This conversation highlights the common thread of narcissism found in many adoptive parents' experiences and questions the standards of evaluating prospective adoptive parents. Additionally, they discuss how family separation is upheld as a means to create a 'better life' for children, rather than providing resources to preserve families.

In this episode, we cover:

(00:33) Defining Saviorism and Its Connection to Adoption.
(03:11) The Profitable Nature of the Adoption Industry.
(04:10) Adoption Framed as a “Good Home” vs. “Bad Home.”
(05:06) Transracial Adoption and the White Savior Complex.
(06:05) The Harmful Narratives of 'Saving' Black Children.
(07:02) The Biases in Adoption Systems Against Black & Brown Families.
(09:00) The Role of Narcissism in Adoption.
(11:52) Emotional Burden on Adoptees and the Need for Support.
(13:38) Infertility and Narcissistic Patterns in Adoption.
(14:37) The Carceral Nature of the Child Welfare System.
(17:26) The Manipulation of 'Selflessness' in Adoption Narratives.
(20:05) Understanding Adoption Trauma.

Call To Action:

Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
•  Instagram: @adopteescrossinglines
•  BlueSky: adopteecrossing.bsky.social
• TikTok: @adopteescrossinglines_
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Resource:

Peer Support Space - A free global online peer support group for those who survived the system as kids. Register here.

Work With Me:

 Email: [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.

Editing by Samuel Oyedele:

 Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast. Support his work on Instagram or email him at [email protected].

Why We’re Not Grateful

Episode Summary:

In this episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, Noelle, Lia, and Tosha dive into the complicated and often misunderstood topic of gratitude within the adoption experience. They discuss why the expectation of gratefulness placed upon adoptees is harmful and how it serves to silence their pain and experiences. The conversation explores the disconnect between the adoption community and the adoptee community, the harsh realities adoptees face, and why they refuse to conform to the narrative of being “grateful” for family separation.

In this episode, we cover:

• (01:06) The difference between the adoption community and the adoptee community.
• (04:26) Questioning the expectation of gratitude for being separated from family.
• (07:22) Challenging the societal narrative of adoptees needing to be grateful.
• (09:16) Lia's powerful reflection on surviving abuse within her adoptive family.
• (10:42) The failure of social workers and the child welfare system to truly protect children.
• (14:30) The lifelong sentence of being an adoptee and its impact on identity.
• (15:00) The carceral nature of the child welfare system and how it fails families.
• (17:24) The dismissal of birthright and the hurtful expectation of adoptees to be grateful.
• (18:46) The inconsistency of adoption practices within families.
• (19:41) The absence of emotional support and how it impacts adoptee experiences.
• (27:49) Tosha’s observation on the narcissism and unpreparedness of adoptive parents.

Call To Action:

Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
• Instagram: @adopteescrossinglines
• BlueSky: adopteecrossing.bsky.social
• TikTok: @adopteescrossinglines_
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Resources:

Peer Support Space - A free global online peer support group for those who survived the system as kids. Register here.

Work With Me:

Email: [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.

Editing by Samuel Oyedele:

Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast. Support his work on Instagram or email him at [email protected].

Adoption & Reunion: Finding Family, Healing Wounds

Episode Summary:

In this episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, Lia, Noelle, and Tosha discuss the complexities of reunion and how reconnecting with biological family members can bring both healing and heartbreak. They share personal stories of searching for family, facing rejection, embracing acceptance, and navigating the emotional toll of reunion. With candid insights and thoughtful advice, they explore the ups and downs of finding their families and making sense of their experiences.

In this episode, we cover:

• (00:05) Introduction to the episode and listener submission about reunion.
• (01:03) Defining reunion and how it differs for each adoptee.
• (02:54) Personal reunion stories and unique family dynamics.
• (08:10) Navigating expectations and working with therapists.
• (11:04) The pain of rejection and the fear of abandonment.
• (14:24) Feeling like a disruption and finding acceptance.
• (19:13) How grief and reunion are intertwined.
• (23:32) The importance of support groups and adoption-competent therapy.
• (29:26) Hopes for the future and continuing the reunion journey.
• (32:52) Advice for those starting their own reunion journey.

Resources:

• Peer Support Space - Free Global Online Peer Support Group for Survivors of the Family Policing System

Call To Action:

Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
• Instagram: @adopteescrossinglines
• BlueSky: adopteecrossing.bsky.social
• TikTok: @adopteescrossinglines_
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Listen to these episodes next:

• Lia's Episode: Lia shares her personal journey of coming out of the fog, confronting the trauma of adoption, and navigating her relationship with her adoptive family and biological roots.
• Noelle's Episode: Noelle discusses her experience as a transracial adoptee, the complexities of reunion, and how identity plays a critical role in her healing journey.

Work With Me:

Email [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.

Editing by Samuel Oyedele (Editor):

Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast, support his work on Instagram or email him at [email protected] 

Adoption & Grief: Navigating Loss and Identity

Episode Summary: 

In this episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, Lia, Noelle, and Tosha explore the complex intersection of adoption and grief, diving into how adoptees often experience deep emotional losses that are rarely acknowledged. They discuss topics such as the erasure of identity through name changes, longing for connection, the impact of secrecy, and how grief manifests both emotionally and physically. This candid conversation sheds light on the unique grief adoptees carry and the importance of finding support and healing.

In this episode, we cover:

• (00:05) Introduction to co-hosts and reflections on the podcast's growing audience.
• (01:03) How name changes impact identity and grief.
• (04:22) The emotional and physical manifestations of grief in adoptees.
• (07:14) Feeling like an outsider within adoptive and biological families.
• (08:42) Grieving alone and the lack of validation for adoptee grief.
• (09:40) Statistics on adoptee mental health and how adoption is trauma.
• (11:07) The importance of adoption-competent therapy and peer support.
• (16:18) The impact of secrecy and being forced to hide the truth.
• (19:44) Searching for biological family members and unmet expectations.
• (22:56) Finding healing and community through writing, creative expression, and peer support.
• (27:44) Creating a safe space for adult survivors of the child welfare system.

Call To Action:

Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
• Instagram: @adopteescrossinglines
• BlueSky: adopteecrossing.bsky.social
• TikTok: @adopteescrossinglines_
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Listen to these episodes next:

• Exploring the Impact of Adoption on Mental Health: Insights from Adoptees
• Adoption Trauma, Mental Health, and Suicide Risk with Lina Vanegas
• Reflections on Grief, Healing, and Honoring My Mom

Work With Me:

Email [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.

Editing by Samuel Oyedele (Editor)

Special thanks to Samuel Oyedele for editing our podcast. Support his work on Instagram or email him at [email protected].

Coming Out of the Fog: The Truth About Adoption

Episode Summary:

In this episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines, Lia, Noelle, and Tosha share their experiences as adoptees and dive deep into topics often ignored or misrepresented in mainstream conversations about adoption. Together, they discuss coming out of the fog, dispelling harmful myths, and the complicated journey of finding healing and community. This episode offers a raw and honest conversation about adoption and the trauma it brings, while highlighting the power of connection and authenticity.

In this episode, we cover:

• (00:05) Introduction to co-hosts and what drew them to the podcast.
• (02:52) Personal adoption stories and early experiences.
• (07:38) The concept of 'coming out of the fog' and what that means to each co-host.
• (15:19) Misconceptions and myths about adoption.
• (20:01) Exploring connections with adoptive parents and biological family members.
• (25:41) Goals and hopes for the podcast moving forward.

Call To Action:

Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
• Instagram: @adopteescrossinglines
• BlueSky: adopteecrossing.bsky.social
• TikTok: @adopteescrossinglines_
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Listen to these episodes next:

• Lia's Episode: Lia shares her personal journey of coming out of the fog, confronting the trauma of adoption, and navigating her relationship with her adoptive family and biological roots.
• Noelle's Episode: Noelle discusses her experience as a transracial adoptee, the complexities of reunion, and how identity plays a critical role in her healing journey.
• Alan Dettlaff’s Episode: An insightful conversation with Alan Dettlaff, an abolitionist and advocate deeply rooted in efforts to dismantle the family policing system. Alan shares their journey of understanding the harmful impacts of the system, their personal experiences, and their vision for transformative change.
• Dorothy Roberts’ Episode: A powerful interview with Dorothy Roberts, acclaimed scholar and author of Torn Apart. Dorothy discusses the historical and present-day harms of the family policing system, offering a compelling argument for abolition and highlighting how systemic racism continues to harm Black families.

Work With Me:

Email [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.

No, Adoption Isn’t Magical (Trailer)

Episode Summary: 

This trailer episode of Adoptees Crossing Lines offers a glimpse into the unfiltered, raw conversations that will shape the podcast. Zaira and fellow adoptees share their experiences of being adopted, challenging the romanticized narratives surrounding adoption, and confronting the pain and trauma caused by the adoption industry. This conversation serves as an introduction to the truth-telling and healing journey that is about to unfold on Adoptees Crossing Lines.

This is the not-so-feel-good podcast where we reflect deeply on our experiences as adoptees and expose the pain inflicted by the adoption industry, one episode at a time.

In this episode, we cover:

• (00:00) Growing up as the only adoptee and realizing others share similar traumatic experiences.
• (00:30) Tosha’s journey from discovering Adopted Twitter to building the courage to share her story on a public platform.
• (00:58) Acknowledging the difficulty of processing adoption trauma and feeling empowered to speak out.

Call To Action: Subscribe to Adoptees Crossing Lines wherever you listen to podcasts, follow us on social media, and subscribe to our Substack for more content and community:

• Website: adopteescrossinglines.com
• Instagram: Instagram
• BlueSky: BlueSky
• TikTok: TikTok
• Substack: Adoptees Crossing Lines Substack

Listen to These Episodes Next:

• Alan’s Episode: An insightful conversation with Alan, an abolitionist and advocate deeply rooted in efforts to dismantle the family policing system. Alan shares their journey of understanding the harmful impacts of the system, their personal experiences, and their vision for transformative change.
• Dorothy Roberts’ Episode: A powerful interview with Dorothy Roberts, acclaimed scholar and author of Torn Apart. Dorothy discusses the historical and present-day harms of the family policing system, offering a compelling argument for abolition and highlighting how systemic racism continues to harm Black families.

Looking for Support:

• Free Peer Support Group: A free peer support group for those of us who survived the system as kids. It happens twice a month. Register here.
• For Impacted Parents:
  • Movement for Family Power's Huddle Up: A sacred space for families, by families.
  • Family Matters First Boston: Advocating for families impacted by the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Contact at [email protected] or via Instagram.

Work With Me:

Email [email protected] for brand partnerships and business inquiries.