Advice Not Given

As we finish up part three of our three part series, we open up a HUGE can of worms with a conversation about alcohol. We know it’s a doozy (or maybe a boozy) of a topic. Kellie and Claire come at this issue from vastly different perspectives but as always hope to find common understanding as they look at some of the dangers of the mommy wine culture, how alcohol impacts military families, and what others’ motivations for drinking are. They close out the episode with some practical tips on how to drink less alcohol. 

Advice Not Given:

• After having several personal conversations about the topic and drama associated with alcohol we just kept avoiding this as an episode topic. However, in looking ahead to 2020 and rounding out some good personal habits with moving more and eating better, we felt this idea of drinking less fit perfectly with this theme.
• Earlier this month Military Families Magazine published a story of a military spouse, Allison Evans, who has celebrated 1,000 days sober after a difficult time in her life involving drinking to excess. 
• Kellie and Claire are a little gun shy about this discussion because they come at the issue from very different sides of the issue: Kellie loves a good glass of wine but wants to be conscious that everyone’s use of alcohol may be very different, she drinks socially but she understands the struggle that people face with moderation. Claire is a complete tee-totaler and abstainer. 
• We read research that claims that the military ranks as the number one job where people drink the most days during a given year. The military also tops the list for the highest binge drinking career. We wonder if this is true due to deployments? Due to small-talk/nerves in social situations? Is there simply a correlation to blowing off steam? There are also events where there is ceremonial drinking within the celebration culture (military balls, “pouring one out…”)--is this unique to the military profession? 
• How do we call awareness to this issue and its related problems? How do you begin to put healthy boundaries in place? How do you know and control your personal limits? 
• What about service member SPOUSES and the drinking culture of military spouses and the pervasive use of alcohol? How do we tie relaxation and self care to a giant glass of wine? Does “military life” stress exacerbate the use of alcohol? Is there a behavioral relaxation that comes with even a non-alcoholic mocktail? It has been embraced as the norm. There is a problem when we don’t embrace the non-drinker and also when alcohol becomes a crutch. 
• Any compulsive behavior can lead to a shame cycle--why are you doing this thing and can you ask yourself how can you curb it, clean it up, and take back control over it…
• Claire names reasons she thinks most people drink alcohol: for fun, for relaxation, to take the edge off, to numb pain or discomfort. Kellie adds: the epicure-aspect. 
• Advice Not Given: We share the 11 tips from Harvard Health on how to curb your drinking-- no personal advice on drinking but we share that small, daily changes can impact your longterm wellness…
• We leave you with Happy New Year wishes for 2020 and a thank you for helping us make 2019 such a fantastic year!

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Merry Christmas Eve! Claire and Kellie keep this episode light and entertaining as they share how they each “do” Christmas. They each give a yes or no (and plenty of opinions) on Christmas magic, Christmas trees (real or fake), Elf on the Shelf, crafts, and many other traditions and expectations they place upon themselves.

 <<< WARNING >>> This episode is not for little ears who still believe in Christmas magic.

Advice Not Given:

• Christmas is a wonderful holiday but there are many issues that people are either PRO or CON. Kellie and Claire share about how it can be stressful. As moms we feel pressure to be the memory maker and the creator of the magic. 
• When do you put your tree up? Do you have a rule or tradition or do you tend to just roll with it? 
• In your house, does Santa bring all of the gifts or do the parents get any credit?
• Do you travel for Christmas? If so, do you ship all of your gifts to grandparents?
• What is your take on Santa? Do your kids still believe? Any convictions about feeding your kids the “lie”/magic of Santa? Does he get too much of mama’s credit? 
• Do you have any parameters for gift-giving or limits/rules? Do you procrastinate or get stressed about keeping gifts “fair” between siblings? What is “enough?” 
• Do you have to help grandma think of meaningful gifts for your kids in addition to your own lists?
• Have you ever asked grandparents for experiences or movie tickets in lieu of traditional packaged gifts? 
• If you do want/need/wear/read gifts how do you make it meaningful or creative? 
• Do you have any gift opening rituals on Christmas morning to make it more meaningful or ceremonial? 
• Do your kids buy, make, or give each other sibling gifts? Do kids buy parents gifts? If so do you facilitate this? 
• Do you and your spouse exchange gifts? Do you have a system? Ever had a year where one person bought the other a gift and one did not? Ever not really liked something your spouse bought  you? Every just bought your own gift?
• Do you do a real or fake tree? Pre-lit? If it’s a real one, do you have a Christmas tree farm shopping ritual or tradition? 
• As a military family, are there any things that make Christmas difficult? 
• How is your present tradition different or the same as your childhood? How do you divide time between extended families? How do you convey plans to non-military extended family members? How do plans change with a deployed spouse? Do you typically wake up in your own home? How do you budget for travel? Do you bring pets along? Do people come stay with you? 
• Claire has the realization that the magic of Christmas it isn’t Santa--it’s mom! HUGE Hat Tip to Claire’s mom Teresa and Kellie’s mom Teresa.
• Do you have any Christmas movies you love or traditions for watching them? 
• Do you do Christmas crafts? Are you a Pinterest mom? Kellie’s protip: You don’t have to be the craftiest/coolest mom on the block--you just have to be friends with her.
• Do you do Elf on the Shelf? Does it make you crazy? Is it simply another pressured expectation and more work for mom to do in order to make Christmas happen? 
• Finally, do you consider yourself (overall) naughty or nice at Christmas? Attitude? Does the stuff of Christmas wear you down? Does the “doing” exhaust you? Are you just surviving Christmas? Are we more orchestrators or participators of/in Christmas? The answer is balance!
• We wonder if the sweet spot is when you move beyond “mom” to “grandma,” but maybe not? 
• NO ADVICE THIS WEEK: HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

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We are back for part two of our three part series on taking back control over some areas of our lives as one year ends and we look toward the next one beginning. In Eat Better Kellie and Claire try to wade through the noise of the general public and all of the often times conflicting information about eating well. 

Advice Not Given:

• Let’s begin with the wonderful phenomenon of middle age known as a slowing metabolism. Kellie and Claire both share about their own changes in diet and how that is impacting their health and maintaining a healthy weight. 
• Kellie shares about her family’s secret code of DTD: Don’t Tell Daddy...because her husband Andrew eats super clean and healthy. In fact, he is the maker of school lunches and Kellie has felt guilt about having her kids get school lunch while Andrew is away.
• Claire talks about the conundrum of “Cheap, Easy, or Good,” but it can’t be all three and how this plays into her management of her roles as household meal planner, food shopper, food "prepper," and CFO/budgeter. For many, this can also be a factor of food insecurity, which is one of the platforms Kellie’s work with MFAN researches.
• Kellie and Claire both share about all of the diets and fads they have tried. Claire shares about Intuitive Eating, which for her hasn’t been all she thought it would be; she admits she’s an emotional eater. Kellie has also tried all of the fads; she claims that Whole 30 did teach her a lot about what foods are good for you. She also shares about how Intermittent Fasting was actually something she did unintentionally for a long time. Claire’s husband, Ryan also does IF and it reset his metabolism.
• It’s hard to filter through all of the noise (especially on social media) on nutrition, but Claire says that deep down we all know what is fueling our bodies and what is not. Kellie shares about Michael Pollan’s idea to only eat fast food that you make. He has Seven Rules for Eating and a book called Food Rules. 
• Claire references the documentary Supersize Me and the book French Women Don’t Get Fat. She says the word “treat” has been part of her downfall. She has often used food as treats for herself and kids. She also reveals how she realized last year that the location of her job/kids’ school from home caused them to eat a lot of fast food.
• Advice Not Given: Kellie is going to do a pantry clean out. Look at labels and take an inventory and see how far away she is from the Whole 30 standards. Claire is going to clean up the liquids in her diet-- she wants to work toward eliminating creamer from her coffee, eliminating soft drinks/replace with water, and drinking hot tea in the evenings. She doesn’t want to drink her calories. 

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Kellie and Claire kick off part one of a three part series on taking back control over things for which they DO have some agency as one year ends and a new one is about to begin. In Move More they discuss their personal evolution of exercise; they uncover their past and present motivations for staying active; and they sift through all of the varying reasons why physical fitness is one vital piece of the overall wellness puzzle in their lives.

Advice Not Given:

• Kellie starts off our discussion with the idea of the tension of the importance of exercise mixed with figuring out how we fit it into our busy lives. Movement helps with physical and mental health and yet it is difficult to make this a priority. How does the “fitness culture” help define our standard? What are our motivations? 
• Kellie and Claire each share their own fitness journeys from childhood to adolescence through young adulthood to present day. 
• Claire shares that since having kids she has struggled to find consistency to workout in one specific way. She has piecemealed together her fitness strategy. Kellie asks her what is it that motivates her to exercise anyway. For Claire it is for fresh air, a break out of the house, and a mental break; after 40 she’s been motivated by flexibility and mobility. Kellie says she is still searching for what her motivation is. When she was younger it was social. During her Crossfit years she enjoyed seeing progress and being able to eat what she wants to eat. Now she dreads her exercise but she does it for her quality of life.
• Claire offers that it feels incredibly indulgent to her as a mom to escape for two hours a day, 5-6 days a week to go exercise; to her it feels like an abandonment of her responsibilities. To her it feels like a luxury, but sees how Ryan, her husband does it. “You make time for what is important.” 
• Kellie asks if Claire has ever run a marathon. She hasn’t run one but she did complete the Transmountain Half as a walker. Kellie shares about the Nine Enders study that relates people tend to sign up to do something physically ambitious when they are nearing the end of a decade. Kellie once ran the Army 10 Miler. She wonders if that’s why we have chosen this topic at the end of 2019.
• Kellie shares about how she feels self-conscious exercising with Andrew, her husband because of his elite level of fitness. They have had to disentangle themselves because of how he tries to coach her. Claire shares about a breakdown at the gym with Ryan about a year ago; there was a realization that they had moved so far apart in their physical fitness. 
• Claire asks “As we age how are we looking a more gentle care for ourselves and how this is a motivator: peace, reprieve, and how do we figure out what kinds of exercise help get us to that destination. What am I searching for and how do I get there?” 
• Kellie says the first step is to do a landscape analysis. What is available to you? What are the different modalities that you have access to at home, away from home? Figure what it is you are looking for. Movement is the baseline. Other than that is it community? Solitude? Headspace? Then figure out where those two things align. 
• Kellie and Claire go down the rabbit trail of Cross fit culture and community. Kellie shares about a recent Crossfit

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In this week’s episode, Kellie and Claire discuss the nuanced topic of friendship: particularly how making (and maintaining) friendships evolves the older you get. They share some of their best qualities they offer in friendship. They take a look at how each Enneagram type needs to feel connected with a friend. Finally, they discuss whether or not the difficulties/opportunities they have when constantly curating relationships is strengthening and growing them or if it is depleting/draining them. 

Advice Not Given

• Kellie shares from a lengthy email that hit our inboxes from a fellow military spouse who relates her struggle with making friends in a new duty station. There’s a lot to do in her area; there are a lot of people and opportunities, but nonetheless she has still struggled to be patient in the waiting period for deep friendships.
• Claire talks about TIME; how long does it take to create a bond? Is it quick or slow? What is a reasonable or predictable timeline to allow yourself to grow into a new friendship? 
• Consider personal boundaries, levels of introversion and extroversion, as well as the amount of time and energy resources you may have available as you begin new relationships. There is the added complexity of how long you or a potential new friend may both be living in the same area before one of you moves. There is also a distinction between in real life (IRL) friends and those we keep up with digitally through social media. 
• Claire makes a distinction between FRIENDLY and REAL FRIEND. She admits that she spends a lot of time and energy being FRIENDLY (Bible study friends, groups she hosts) which she loves. But to her, there is a difference between that and having “Golden Girl” or “Bosom Buddy” kinds of friends. 
• Kellie asks if there is a big difference between living in a heavily populated military community versus one that is not as “culturally aware” of military life when it comes to making friends? This may or may not necessarily a good or bad thing; just another layer of consideration.
• “Don’t discount what you are going through in your life…” is something Kellie wants to be sure our friend knows. It’s okay to admit that and give yourself some grace. Do watch for your ego and the story/narrative you’re telling yourself. 
• As we age, different seasons call for different availability we have to offer ourselves in friendships. Claire shares about how as she is getting older and kids are growing up it can feel isolating because gone are the days of playdates when you get facetime with other moms; now you’re in your car chauffeuring everyone around.
• Kellie asks if making friends was easier when we were younger or if it’s gotten harder as we have gotten older. Claire says it’s always been easy to make friends but NOT easy to make time for friendships. Kellie thinks it’s gotten harder as she “flexes” between introvert and extrovert. 
• Claire laments her carefreeness of her younger days which she says she used to be more friendly. Kellie adds that it is  scientifically proven that the older we get the harder it gets to make friends.
• As we age, we put ourselves last--behind our kids, our spouses, our households. When you move a lot you HAVE to have people to rely on. As we move, Kellie poses the question of whether or not the experience strengthens us and helps us grow or depletes/drains us? 
• Claire offers that one upside to moving is that you do get frequent opportunities to re-evaluate what you

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This week Kellie and Claire talk all about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. They share some fun memories of childhood Thanksgivings gone by and current insights on Thanksgiving as military service families. They talk turkey, travel, traditions and they share thoughts on Black Friday and other marketing initiatives. Think of this episode like your favorite sweet potato casserole: filling, savory, and sweet--topped off with a little something extra!

Advice Not Given

• Kellie shares about her Thanksgiving memories growing up and the main memory is all of the fun she had outdoors in the crisp fall air; she also remembers traveling to see extended family in the next state over. Food, cousins, fun! Kellie divulges that her mom’s delicious mashed potato recipe is actually boxed, instant potatoes and how as a kid she offended her grandmother in sharing that news
• Claire’s childhood Thanksgivings included seeing both her dad and mom’s extended families. So. Many. People. But so much fun. Kids were always banished to the basement or screen porch to eat, followed by cousin touch football and mischief. This was Claire’s tradition until only about eight years ago when they have been too far to travel home for Thanksgiving
• Is there an unwritten code of Thanksgiving behavior--where to go and where to be? Which places do you eat food? It can be tricky navigating everyone else’s expectations for you!
• Claire explains  the difference between stuffing and dressing to Kellie and they debate whether the difference is regional or personal
• Kellie talks about how getting married complicated the Thanksgiving travels. Everyone. Everywhere. All spread out. It’s not possible to be everywhere for everyone
• Kellie shares about her first married Thanksgiving and her major turkey debacle. It looked nice and crispy on the outside but it was raw on the inside. (The thing that pops out of a turkey to let you know that is is “done” is actually called the Pop Out Timer.)
• Claire started cooking the full Thanksgiving meal once they entered military service; she spent time on the phone with her grandmother and had her teach her how to make the dressing of her childhood; she also shares how in the past few years, Ryan has been spatchcocking their Thanksgiving turkey which allows it to cook fully in under 45 minutes, frees up the oven for other cooking, and mostly just tastes amazing
• As the years have gone on, Kellie talks about how now it has gotten harder and harder to coordinate holidays and travel with extended family. Now they do more Friendsgivings than anything. Now Thanksgiving is one of those “it just depends” kind of holidays; it’s less of a tradition and more of a “whatever works” thing now
• Claire feels like now there isn’t a very predictable tradition, no rules, no expectations--some of their military Thanksgivings have been the most memorable of all--she also shares about how sometimes they will eat their main Thanksgiving meal on the day of, but then they have Leftovers Parties the day after where everyone brings all of their leftovers
• We dish all about Black Friday… Claire doesn’t usually go, but if she does it is only for people watching purposes. She even made a funny  Black Friday Bingo a f

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In this week’s episode Kellie and Claire take a look at what it means to be able to tolerate uncertainty. They explore some common scenarios where people (and service families, in particular) have pain points with uncertainty. They explore the scientific aspects of “intolerance of uncertainty,” paying particular attention to what prolonged periods of the ensuing stress can do to our mental health. As always they offer up some practical strategies of how becoming aware of this phenomenon and what to do about it can help in day to day life.

Advice Not Given

• We start with a brief list of things that cause us feelings of uncertainty: kids’ first sleepovers, kids and driving/tracking apps, tryouts for sports, waiting on medical results. In military life, we wait out deployments, have uncertainty over safety and homecoming timelines; PCS orders/moving, and our service member’s career--all big stressors
• We question why are we feeling like life is so hard all of the time, when in truth, there are psychological reasons why. Kellie suggests that being able to label and identify what the problem is, she can more easily approach these challenges more clearly and with more grace for herself
• When you ignore the effects of your intolerance to uncertainty, there are actually mental and physical health concerns that may start to pop up: anxiety, depression, and compulsive disorders can be signs that you may not be coping well and the impact and ripple effects should not be ignored
• Claire brings up the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale which is a tool used to determine how likely you are to have a major health issue based on stressful events in your life; there are 43 life events with point values and scores higher than 300 point to an 80% chance you will have a major health event--military life makes it difficult to score below a 300 with moving and job changes
• Intolerance of Uncertainty is a real thing; Kellie references  an interesting study about how uncertainty is even more stressful than KNOWING something bad is going to happen. She goes on to share about a  Forbes article that affirms that uncertainty IS worse than knowing when bad things are to come. Technology has even adapted to our human behavior surrounding this issue, Uber for example gives us reassurance of who our driver is, and the GPS features allows us to watch the driver come to us
• Some  common behaviors that people express when they are uncomfortable or intolerant of uncertainty can be metaphorically compared to having allergies. They best way to treat it is to build up a tolerance to it by introducing uncertainty in smaller doses. Kellie thinks she is about a 4 on a 1-10 scale and Claire is an 8 or 9 in terms of being “allergic” to uncertainty
• Often we will seek excessive reassurance from others; This isn’t much of an issue for Kellie, but Claire recalls her search for an outer committee when she doesn’t feel like she can rely on her “inner” committee. Claire goes to people and Kellie turns to research
• List making is another coping mechanism

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Catch this exclusive look at the bonus content being offered on Patreon to Milspo Gurus and Advice Not Given Podcast supporters! On No Advice, Just Opinions, we'll share our "currently..." lists. You know, currently reading, watching, and listening to (with elaborate commentary). We'll also tackle a hot topic in the news. All in a bolder, edgier way.

In this episode, we're dishing our reading/watching/listening to lists, packaging up a way to extend Hallmark's Holiday Movie season, celebrating fictional drag queens in Charleston, and unpacking the effects of childhood trauma on the body. Wild, right?

For our spicy take topic - we're talking about the John Crist fall from grace. Seriously. It's a good convo.

Links for all the things referenced below, but first - if YOU want access to future episodes of No Advice, Just Opinions, head on over to our Patreon page and pick a relationship status. And no, it's complicated is not an option. https://www.patreon.com/milspogurus

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In this week’s episode Claire and Kellie share in response to some of the feedback they’ve gotten on Instagram when Kellie put out the call asking, “What are the hardest parts of military life?” Many responders commented on the disconnect between their own military lifestyle and the lack of information and awareness of well-meaning friends, family, and civilians. Claire and Kellie talk broadly and personally about the things many of us wish people knew.

Advice Not Given

• First things first: HUGE hat tip to Casey F. from California for being our first “Soul Mate” Patron. We are beyond grateful for the support; find us on Patreon or leave us a five star review on Apple 
• We want to both squash and educate others on what our experience is like
• We know we are preaching to the choir, but maybe this episode will be something you can share with your family and friends--let us say what you’re thinking…
• We want to help bridge the disconnect between our relationships with civilians
• Kellie shares a four letter word to avoid… P-L-A-N; we have a really hard time making strict and unchanging plans; Claire adds how we walk the fine line when trying to be present for high-value extended family time and the many unknowns of our futures; we want to give you dates and details but we rarely know them ourselves
• We are often the bearers of “all of the information” as go-between from service member to the greater family network at large; we don’t have answers (location, dates that they will return, safety issues) and we aren’t trying to withhold information but sometimes IT’S COMPLICATED
• Our service members DO get vacation days and they DO get time off and they DO (sometimes) get to observe holidays; but we DO NOT usually get to say when these things occur and we DO NOT get much of a say about our time and definitely NO SAY about when are where we move and where we live; there is no 9-5 and taking leave when we feel like it--PCS season adds institutional pressure
• Claire shares that when we travel home, we carry a lot of literal and figurative BAGGAGE; literal baggage includes our growing kids, large suitcases, gifts, pets and we often feel like we are encroaching on our families’ personal space and hospitality; figurative baggage that includes carrying several-months-at-a-time’s worth of emotional stuff we don’t always know how to unload over a short holiday visit home
• Kellie hears the hypocrisy in her own feelings of simultaneously wanting to be known and heard but also to be left alone and not questioned about life; her neighbor Richelle Futch has a great book releasing called Her Ruck that talks all about the emotional backpacks military spouses carry; it’s a fine line between what we feel we can share with our families that might be too heavy or weighty to share 
• We acknowledge what we KNOW and what we LEFT when we signed on for service and we end up seeing all of what our friends and families are connected to, but rarely do they see/know the people and places and involvement we are part of in our constantly changing communities
• We go on a little bit of a Veterans’ Day (and other patriotic holidays) tangent--we debunk some of the feelings around “Thank you for your service…” We don’t need a seasonal opportunity to show our gratitude to service members and their families; sometimes it feels (broadly) like our country only cares in moments that it behooves them; we question what

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In this week’s episode Claire and Kellie talk all about the idea of being a generalist versus a specialist. In David Epstein’s recent book Range, he argues that generalists are “triumphing in a specialized world.” Frequent relocation and upstarts in life have made many service member spouses generalists in their career fields and in their passions based on the location and opportunities available. Many of us think of this as a negative part of our lifestyle, but Claire and Kellie offer that it may just be the greatest thing ever. 

Advice Not Given:

• How can we look at life more optimistically? How can you view your glass half full? 
• A generalist knows a little bit about a lot of things; consider a Jack or Jill of all trades
• We have heard of the 10,000 Hour Rule but that isn’t the case any longer--aim for less hyper focus and search for more of an eclectic experience
• How can we spin our resume that may look scattered but rather how can you group skill sets and instead of a chronological resume, consider enhancing your skills by specialty
• When you try a lot of new things you can learn whether you love and enjoy them and the willingness to try can be everything
• Consider how we parent as we allow our kids try out many sports and activities...maybe developing well rounded kids vs. speciality athletes has value
• Participation status with a skill/hobby may be better than attaining Proficient or Professional status
• Claire says the real value is learning to enjoy the learning along the way; enjoy the process
• Kellie shares that the ONLY thing we really have control over is our MINDSET; embrace our adaptability
• Are those of us who are generalists less intimidated by trying new things and more open minded to push ourselves? Are our options more easily digestible? We are definitely willing to look for different opportunities
• Kellie asks whether being a generalist or specialist is a nature/nurture proposition or a type of conditioning based on our life circumstances
• Are you a  spoon or a Swiss Army knife? 
• What are the tools we can use to keep our experiences organized (resume, LinkedIn) and how do we begin to identify the skills we have that are attractive to potential employers? Use self awareness and discernment with your experiences to identify what you are really good at and how can you anchor those skills/values/core traits as talking points? What are your cork-screws, nail scissors, and bottle opener? How can you call them to mind quickly and then learning to value what those things cost or are valued at? 
• There is personal value in that process of honing because it allows you to consider what you are good at and what you actually enjoy. How can you utilize your time best to cultivate those things? 
• Clifton Strengths Finder (online assessment $20) (hardcover book from Amazon with test code $14)
• Shout out to Corie Weathers

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