Advice Not Given

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In this week’s episode the topic hits close to home as Kellie prepares for a deployment and Claire has recently shared on this theme at a local MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) group. Listen in as they discuss some common fears about solo parenting and offer up practical tips for thriving through a forced separation when all of the parenting falls squarely on your shoulders. Hint: lots of self-care tips ahead!

Advice Not Given

• Kellie has had a seven year stretch since the last deployment; her kids were two and five months the last time her husband left for a long stretch--now they are nine and seven
• Claire’s kids were 5,7, and 9 the last time Ryan deployed
• Kellie makes the distinction between SINGLE PARENTING vs. SOLO PARENTING-- we know the difference and don’t want to assume this is the same thing
• Separations almost always come with an unpredictable sliding timeline for leaving and returning; this factor can add stress to everyone. We are all usually just ready to start the clock and get this underway; this unpredictability can have a huge ripple effect
• What are some common fears besides fear of safety for your partner? Fear of the unknown, you don’t know what you don’t know, and the things you take for granted…
• Kellie shares about how with the first day of her husband’s last deployment her dog had been accidentally poisoned and her car had been broken into; her tip--shadow the jobs your spouse does before he leaves so you can make sure you’re picking up the slack
• Claire shares about the urban legend of  Deployment Curses
• Other anxieties: Can I handle this? When/Where/How will I get the downtime I need? Will I have enough patience? Will I be enough for my kids without dad? 
• Kellie feels that her mission related fears have now been replaced with child and household fears due to what he’s doing and where he’s going
• Do you tend to operate with the idea that in a difficult situation like a deployment with the mindset of “this is an opportunity for me to shine and grow” or with a “good enough is good enough” mentality? 
• Kellie and Claire say they  love the freedom to let this time be BOTH; Kellie uses the time to get home projects finished because of the usual tug-and-pull of division of responsibility isn’t there
• Claire’s first tip: Create a Rhythm for Yourself--benefits include predictability for kids, it removes decision fatigue, and it give you as the mother a time for restoration and rest
• Kellie recognizes that rhythms are important; she predicts that she may need to adjust work hours, allocate her time better, and be aware of it
• Claire’s second tip: Mark the Time--set a weekly “thing” for you kids such as Pizza Friday or a potluck with friends or neighbors, also take a macro look at the time your spouse will be gone and put some fun things on the calendar for you and your kids to look forward to--birthdays, holidays, visitors, and vacations--she cautions against paper chains and jars of Hershey Kisses or Hugs as time markers
• Pro tip: give yourself a “word of the month” to recenter yourself on hard days
• Claire’s third tip: Prepare to Grow--get ready to gain confidence, gri

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In this week’s episode Kellie and Claire discuss a tension they regularly find themselves in as they move around. There is a fine line between utilizing and offering your gifts and expertise each time you enter a new professional, service, or relational situation and recognizing that a situation doesn’t warrant the help or is just fine without your insights for change. They share tips on how to do this tactfully while being true to themselves. 

Advice Not Given:

• We all have a library of expertise that often fools us into thinking we have something unique to offer others in our new workplace, volunteer, or relational settings
• We must learn when to shine and when to play it cool; how do we decide when to take the reins and when to be content in a supporting role
• Our eagerness to contribute is simply a desire to contribute to the greater good
• Kellie shares an example of having to temper her “global” professional mindset back down to a very “local” and purposefully small project for a board she serves on. Lesson: bigger isn’t always better and it’s a good idea to check in with yourself to tone yourself down
• Claire gives an example of her recent job at a small private school when she tried to suggest a major curriculum change to her principal and it was met with “crickets.” The school leadership had a better read on the long-term and ongoing needs of the community and acknowledged that what they are doing is working
• A lot of people and organizations simply like “the way they’ve always done it.” Kellie suggests that maybe these groups have perhaps been “burned” by the military community as it comes and goes in their towns. Maybe some communities value STABILITY and CONTINUITY over INNOVATION
• We want to leave a place better than we found it. This mindset is not an indictment on their ways but we sometimes feel we offer a fresh perspective and energy. There is a balance between helping and being prideful about our input
• When we offer this input is this a version of “destructive active” listening? We must understand our audience and their level of interest in having input
• Claire wonders if the constant gauging of our audiences and environment is just another level of exhaustion our lifestyle promotes. Kellie adds that often a “compressed timeline” is yet another variable to consider when availing ourselves to our communities
• Most people have a lifetime to “make a mark” and we usually only have 2-3 years in our communities. This offering of ourselves is often motivated by the desire for recognition or acknowledgement that “we are here.” 
• Claire asks how the highs of professional acknowledgement and the desserts of NO feedback/recognition may impact our relationships, particularly our marriages. How does resentment factor into this? Kellie adds that there is also a fear of the future when the military career ends
• Kellie asks, how do you enter a new situation and determine whether to “shine or lay low?” Claire offers three considerations: (1) first get a read on the environment and leadership, (2) understand what kind of relationship you have with those you’ll be working with, and (3) determine how receptive this person may be to feedback before you offer it up

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In this week’s episode Kellie and Claire discuss whether they are good or bad listeners. They share some real life instances when they could have listened better. They deep dive one particular active listening technique, Active Constructive Responding (ACR) and its framework as well as take a look at a listening assessment put out by Psychology Today.

Advice Not Given

• Claire tells about a discussion where Ryan called her out on her poor listening strategy. He even went so far as to use some of his Army Master Resiliency Training curriculum on her. It’s called  ACR.
• There are four basic ways to listen and respond when someone is talking to you: Active Constructive, Active Destructive, Passive Constructive, and Passive Destructive. 
• Marriage can be a safe space but Kellie suggests that we need to be more aware and also try harder to give our partner’s the same attention and focus we give others.
• We get uncomfortable with silence. 
• How do you gauge how a conversation will go? When you are listening, are you picking up clues on how deep or close you may get with the person talking? Or do those clues help you make judgements about writing these people off as close friends? 
• A good preface to deeper conversations might be “Do you simply need to vent or are you seeking advice and feedback?”
• Claire and Kellie deep dive “The Art of Listening: How Open Are Your Ears?” (Psychology Today) where they rate their own listening skills as well as some tendencies of each of the nine enneagram types based on these nine statements: 

1. I prefer talking to listening to what others may say.
2. It mostly doesn't occur to me to ask questions.
3. When others are talking, I'm often thinking about what I'll say next.
4. The main point of talking is to impress people, or at least to entertain them.
5. My perspective is right, so if others disagree, I convince them to see it my way. 
6. It bothers me when people get their facts wrong.
7. It's important to point out when people are wrong about something.
8. Most people are boring, so I usually do most of the talking.
9. When my body tries to talk to me with pain or other discomforts, I tune it out. 

• Finally, Claire and Kellie discuss three negative listening habits (non-responsive listening, listening like a goalie, and rebound listening). They conclude with five positive listening habits (hungry listening, hunting, gathering, clarifying, and porous listening).
• Claire’s advice to herself is to simply stop and listen and take a moment before responding.
• Kellie refers to Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead and challenges herself to stop doing the head nod.

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In this week’s episode, we break from traditional form and decide to take a little trip. We need a retreat and you probably do too! Time, childcare, and finances can often restrict us, but in this episode we say the sky is the limit and we create our dream get-away. Won’t you join us?

Advice Not Given:

• Pick your setting. Mountains? Beach? Rustic? Luxe and lavish? International? You get to decide.
• Pick your activities. Do you prefer lots of group talk and sharing? Quiet and solitary reflection? 
• Do you invite your spouse? Maybe for parts of the retreat but not all of it?
• Do you hope to learn something? Hands on workshops? Meditation? Gentle yoga? How about a horseback ride, scuba, or swimming? Sound baths? Cryotherapy? Float tanks? Naps? For sure, naps!
• Do you want or need a spiritual component to the retreat? What elements would you like? 
• If you could choose between private dancing lessons or karaoke with a famous performer, which would you select? Kellie’s go-to karoke is “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks. Claire’s go-to karoke is “9-to-5” by Dolly Parton. 
• Next up, Kellie wants a psychology workshop with Malcolm Gladwell, Stephen Dubner, Tim Ferris, and Ryan Holiday. 
• Claire would enjoy a writer’s roundtable with Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Donald Miller, and the late Toni Morrison. Kellie adds Marion Roach Smith, Brene Brown, and the late Rachel Held Evans.
• Our spiritual portion of the retreat would include Hillary McBride, Sarah Bessey, Ruth Haley Barton, the late Eugene Peterson,  Richard Rohr, and Nadia Bolz-Weber.
• As a one-off Kellie would enjoy a rock-climbing adventure with Jason Momoa.
• As an after-hours “hang,” Claire and Kellie would love to have a late night campfire/hot chocolate session with the following celebrities: Megan Markle, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Trevor Noah, John Oliver, Michelle Obama, Lucille Ball, and Steve Carell. 
• Claire mentions the value of having a “Day of Reentry” afte

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Advice Not Given

• Do you suffer from Imposter Syndrome? Do you have this feeling that sneaks up on you and tells you that you don’t deserve something good in your life? 
• This can happen in professional settings, but also in friend relationships, social settings, or even at a dinner party. 
• Imposter Syndrome can make you feel insecure and like you don’t belong. Claire felt this deeply at last year’s Seed Spot Incubator Camp in D.C. and Kellie has felt it at a dinner party with a group of people where she felt like her intelligence was on display.
• Don’t let Imposter Syndrome limit you from pursuing things in your life. Speak up for the best outcomes in your life. Be confident and be okay with who you are.
• Claire asks the question of whether or not this confidence is earned through age and experience? 
• Have you ever heard of  self vs. aggregate comparison? Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly (subconsciously) making a judgment of where we “fit” into any social situation. 
• We wonder how a lifestyle where we constantly move and relocate can alter our brain chemistry where we are constantly seeking “safe” social connections. Does this phenomenon strengthen or exhaust us? 
• Which of the Five Types of Imposter Syndrome (Perfectionist, Expert, Natural Genius, Soloist, Superwomen), do you feel like you fall into? 
• And you KNOW we can’t help ourselves with overlaying this framework with the Enneagram. Do you see your type in one or more of the Imposters? 
• What are your tried and true self-correcting measures when Imposter Syndrome hits? Do you just simply move through the discomfort? Do you avoid? How can you use good self-talk?
• Kellie’s advice: Use the Headspace app to help with regrounding/meditation to clear your mind. This week she plans to review Andy’s Traffic Video and look for places and identify when she is “getting stuck in traffic” or “running into traffic” (metaphorically speaking, of course). Be more observant.
• Claire’s advice: She plans to metaphorically “take off her cape” (based on the Superwoman Imposter Syndrome persona) and remind herself that GOOD ENOUGH IS GOOD ENOUGH and DONE IS DONE.

MENTIONS

Imposter Syndrome (Psychology Today)

Clance Imposter Phenomenon Scale

Yes, Imposter Syndrome is Real

Why Women Don’t Negotiate Their Job Offers

Three Silly Reasons You Downplay Your Hard Work

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

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You may be thinking this episode has everything to do with professional work and salaries and pay gaps. We touch a little on those things but the primary focus of episode 7 is deciding what, beyond monetary compensation, is a paycheck in our lives. We discuss intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation and share personally about the things in our own lives that bring great reward. 

Advice Not Given

• What motivates you in all of the different areas of your life? 
• How do you find and measure success? How do you determine what is a good return on investment of your time? 
• How you define your values often determines how your look at your time and priorities.
• Do you see yourself as a victim of circumstances where you aren’t able to earn a monetary paycheck or do you see this as an active choice?
• Women earn $0.79 for every dollar a man makes and  military spouses earn 26.8% LESS than their civilian counterparts. Let that sink in! No wonder many of us have foregone traditional jobs. If you want to really get into the weeds (and possibly very angry), peep this 2018 White House Study on “Military Spouses in the Labor Force.”
• Claire’s paychecks: seeing kids’ success from homeschooling and hosting monthly dinner company around her kitchen table. 
• Kellie’s paychecks: learning something new, setting up systems, bringing creative projects to fruition; sharing insights and putting skills into practice. 
• How do you look at the differences between  internal and external values/motivations? 
• Looking for “paychecks” in your life is all of these motivators PLUS managing your time and energy like we mention in Episode 3 (Boundaries).
• Mindset and contentment is very much connected. How do you reframe your inner dialogue? 
• Kellie suggests considering what metrics we use to measure the payoff of our investments of time? 
• Kellie’s advice for herself: zero in on her standards for measuring whether or not something is providing value; give more equity and attention to divvying up her time in thirds (one third for each of her major work/hustles); check in on her freelance project/website buildout.
• Claire’s advice for herself: check in with her writing goal/priority; write one essay for her project.

MENTIONS:

 What It’s Like to Be a Working Military Spouse

Carol Dweck’s Mindset (book)

Rule of Life (CS Lewis Institute)

Fabriq App

Peloton (Kellie’s crazy cool bike) Enter Code: RPMHQT for $100 credit towards accessories! 

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How do you live mindfully with social media? What are your favorite apps? Which ones do you tend to avoid? How do these platforms benefit you? Have you taken notice of how social media negatively impacts you (mentally, physically, or emotionally)? How do you monitor your usage and input? Join us in Episode 006 as we try to untangle our own ideas about this powerful tool for connection and engagement.

Advice Not Given: 

• Can you identify your triggers on social media? What are they? 
• Unfollow people or accounts that make you feel badly.
• Do you feel more sensitive to the impact of social media within your personal or professional sphere?
• Can you identify how each social media platform serves or does not serve you? 
• What are the boundaries or parameters do you have for yourself on social media? Allocate time windows. Turn off notifications. Silence the group. Circumvent. Curate your social media with those people or influences that don’t uplift you.
• Use apps or settings like Screen Time, Flora, Be Focused, or Airplane mode for productivity.
• At what age do you allow your kids a smart or dumb phone? Social media accounts? How do you regulate your kids and yourself? 
• Social media and parenting-- YOU DO YOU! Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Use your instincts.
• Social media regulation tips: go on a hiatus; set hours; use phone settings; use grayscale; dock your phone away from where you sleep.
• Use apps to help but don’t allow them to suck you into a state of hyper-vigilance.
• With your social media use,  keep it real, keep it kind, and keep it brief. (Kellie) Use office hours and follow them. (Claire)

MENTIONS:

How Bad Social Media is for Our Mental Health

Collin Kartchner: Save the Kids Campaign

The NoPhone Air

Social Media Copies Gambling Methods to Create Psychological Cravings

Change Your Phone to Grayscale to Combat Phone Addiction

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This week Kellie and Claire discuss the idea of using the endings and beginnings of new seasons as an opportunity to reflect and learn. Join us in Episode 5 as we share our fun end of summer traditions that alert us to the changing seasons. We share about how NOT using these rhythmic opportunities of change can be a detriment to personal growth. Do you have any signifiers, rituals, or traditions that you use to help you usher in new seasons? Do you take time to reflect on the closing of certain life chapters in order to begin the next? Check out our spectrum of suggestions on how to make these shifts work in your favor. 

Advice Not Given: 

• How was your summer? Have you given any thought to how you spent it? What you learned? How you grew?
• Create some end of season rituals for yourself and your family to help signal the end of one season and the beginning of the next. These can be serious or fun. Either way it tells your brain a change is coming.
• Savor the season you are in and honor them. It gives your mind and body rest.
• Honor the endings, but pace yourself. If you must grieve an ending, grieve in the moment or the grief may end up following you.  
• You can’t fully appreciate an experience until you live through it and reflect upon it.
• Create new rhythms as a daily practice. Structure can be helpful through seasonal transitions.
• Where/how to reflect? Journal, audio, or video yourself talking about your situation. 
• Claire celebrates her annual beach trips with a photo wall of annual beach photos.
• Write a thank you note to summer and/or a welcome letter to fall. (Claire)
• Learn something new. (Kellie)

MENTIONS:

• The Lazy Genius “Opening and Closing Ceremonies” 
• Why You Should Harness the Power of Reflection 
•  Legacy Magazine Volume II: “A Meditation on Contentment + Liminality” 
•  5 Reasons Military Spouses Should Make Time for Learning 
• The Course Kellie is Taking This Fall (Intro to Wisdom) 
• Claire and Kellie's "Summer Letters"

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This week Kellie and Claire give an overview of the Enneagram--and they are pretty proud they were able to wait until Episode 004 to break their silence. They share how they each first discovered it and how it made an immediate impact in their lives. There’s a quick rundown on some basic Enneagram history and a highlight of each of the nine types. Do you know yours? We caution against the over-simplification and reductiveness of how the Enneagram is portrayed on Instagram and its rise in popularity. Instead, listeners are encouraged to see the Enneagram as an ideal tool for self-awareness, personal development, and relationship building. 

Advice Not Given: 

• Self-observe and see if you are asleep to your life--what patterns do you find yourself stuck in? 
• The Enneagram may help wake your sleeping ego. (Rise and shine!)
• How might your life improve if you were to develop more self-awareness?
• The Enneagram gives you a vocabulary and framework for this type of undertaking.
• People who are observant and aware of how they are walking through the world tend to have more fruitful and meaningful interactions with those they encounter in their relationships: at home, at work, and in community. 
• If you don’t know your type--DO NOT TAKE A QUIZ--instead visit the Enneagram Institute and simply read up on all nine types. See if one resonates with you. Hover there!
• If you already know your type go to the Enneagram Institute and re-read the average and healthy levels of development for your type. Aim to respond in those ways this week! 

 MENTIONS:

The Enneagram (Episode 37) The Liturgists

https://theliturgists.com/podcast/2016/8/23/the-enneagram-episode-37

Suzanne Stabile’s The Road Back to You

https://amzn.to/31FpZkx

What Is The Enneagram? (Shape + Types Described)

https://milspogurus.com/what-is-the-enneagram/

Are Memes Bad for the Enneagram?

 https://milspogurus.com/are-memes-bad-for-the-enneagram/

Enneagram Recommended Reading List

https://milspogurus.com/recommended-reading/

Enneagram Institute Type Descriptions Overview

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No.

Did you know that these two letters and a period make a complete sentence? When setting boundaries you do not have to give explanations or apologies or consolation remarks.

Join Kellie and Claire as they discuss the idea of boundaries. Does placing boundaries in your roles and relationships come easily to you? Or are you the kind of person who says, “What boundaries?” Do you tend to think of boundaries as something you set in place for yourself to protect your own time and energies? Or do you see boundaries as being needed for other people to ward off their demands or toxic behaviors? Listen in as we discuss some really easy entry points into the practice of saying no. 

Advice Not Given: 

• Know yourself. Know what drains you and what gives you life. 
• Do a hard look at your capacity to do things well that you’ve committed to. There is a point of diminishing returns and a point where defining a boundary can be incredibly helpful.
• What are your pain points? Where and with whom are you weary? Where do you find your attitude shifting? Where are there obstacles that are hindering you in your interactions with people and the endeavors that get your time?
• What can you identify and step away from? (Hint: stepping away frees you up to pursue your priorities and what matters most.)
• Pick one thing this week and say NO! Start small. Whenever you give the “no,” be observant about it. Tune in to your heart, mind, and body and explore why you’re reacting the way you are.
• Consider that your “no” may just give another person the blessing or joy of their own “yes.” 

MENTIONS:

•  A Year of Yes (Shonda Rhimes)
• “My Schedule Will Not Allow It” 
• Claire’s  Personal/Family Mission (Ben Stuart Sermon)
• Foreboding Joy (Brené Brown)
• Jia Jiang “What I Learned from 100 Days of Rejection” (Ted Talk)

Other Great Boundaries Resources/Reads:

Boundaries (Cloud + Townsend)

The Best Yes (TerKeurst)

Rising Strong (Brown)

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