Oh hello, for those unfamiliar. Recording this one felt nice for me.

(Alexandra) Apple mentioned!

This is yesterday’s entry’s sister. Something is moving in me. I don’t even feel the way I did this morning about it all.

If you’re interested you can watch the Lani’s Lens video mentioned.

I was gonna keep this one, but I also value narrative structure. I feel bad that I’ve been offering a version of myself that isn’t my best. I’m hurting more than usual, and thanks to my particular healing trajectory, I am more in tune with that pain than I’ve ever been able to be. This is a marker of progress and change in me. I’ve never been able to feel my pain. Intellectualize and philosophize it? Yes. Mythologize and poeticize? With ease. But feel it, the ability to sit and cry and still feel it sitting in my chest as I write this? This is a new level for me.

It’s not something I can say is a virtue, but I do hope it marks a shift in how my emotions are harbored in my body. During a period like this, in the past, it’s driven me into stress-induced maladies. Learning to just hold it and acknowledge it is something I’m willing to take on if it means no more of that. Still difficult, but it’s better to know your monster than have it lurk in the somatic shadows.

The podcast I mention is Goes Without Saying with Sephy and Wing, which did very well and is seemingly on hiatus. Maybe they made a pact with Binchtopia to release the zillenials to the airwaves of this new era emerging. Excuse my laziness and choice to gatekeep the Spirit Math pull of that day. I’m behind in releasing these because I got embarrassed and then delightfully busy. This means you’ll hear from me a good amount over the next few days.

If you’re here, deepest thank you for it. Talk soon.

Writing and sharing from the inside of this period in real time is very fragile for me. I find myself wanting to retreat from the world, from friends, from everything. Nothing feels safe and settled. The sadness is crushing me. When I sit with this past self who understood there’s that undertone of hope that change will emerge, albeit slowly, and I’ll be more than fine. I’d love to find the balance soon.

A mood board (we’re back to blue with something new):

Sometimes I get lucky and catch myself right as an idea is forming. I’m very curious to see how I can weave all of these ideas together into something bigger. There are layers to this mental split. Not a very black-and-white-friendly realization, but thankfully I enjoy nuance now and then.

Media:

I say ‘abuedo’ but I mean albedo. That feels about right for where I was. I’ve been restless this week, which I’m sure you can feel too. I want the other side, but there’s so much to sit with first. Waves keep coming. I’ll explain more tomorrow.

Tonight’s moodbard reveals a shift! My numerology brain winks at this happening on entry number nine.

The reason why I love making voice notes in general is that sometimes I’ll listen back and think, “She was being very silly.” This was one of those moments. Of course, the answer to my situation isn’t to get more guarded. That’s processing for you.

Happy first night without Love Island to all who celebrate. Very happy with the final results. Enjoy the Cancerian fairytale-themed moodboard to commemorate my favorite date and the Shakespearean fuckery that was this season. We’ll be talking soon, you hear?

The album playing in the background of this entry is Venna’s Malik. It’s an excellent album to work to in the morning. I know Venna from “Sun, Moon, & Herbs,” so finding out there’s a full album to go listen to was a delight.

Yesterday I listened to the new Kelela album and In The Blue Light. The live album is so special to me. I felt vaguely about the new one, but that could change in the future. It’s common for me not to like music that becomes my obsession at first.

I also listened to the new Noah Guy album MEMORIA, in blue. Also underwhelmed but not mad at it. May give it a final try before releasing it to the ether. Very fascinated by the draw blue is having on me. That’s how I know a new era is emerging. The visual language of my world shifts. Deep sea blue for this one, at least for now. Were you here when this newsletter was overrun with lilies?

A moodboard for the road:

Took you along on my walk today. I tend to walk fast when I do, which is the only reasonable explanation for sounding like I’m running a marathon. I like this one. It feels alive. I also like this little ritual that’s forming. I’m in the excited-to-create phase. We’ll see how it feels at 15-30, hm?

Listen closely towards the end for some spontaneous beauty. I love that I can go outside without panicking these days.

For today’s moodboard, we continue the sea witch mosaic:

There’s another shift happening, but I’m starting to think that’s the way it goes. There’s always change and evolution, and some changes hit harder than others. Simple as.

The quiz in question, if you’re curious. And of course today’s moodboard: