All We Cannot Say

Many of us believe that teen sexuality is something to be avoided and shamed – and that if we’re to be responsible parents, sisters and brothers, it’s also something we need to do our best to prevent from happening.

There are a lot of reasons for this view. One is that STIs are higher than they ever were before. But is this because sex, in and of itself, is to blame?

According to the Huffington Post, children get their education from porn at as young as 11 years of age. This means that kids are turning to highly stylised productions where everyday events take unexpected sexual turns. How often do you see condoms and lube in porn? Never, right? It's a fantasy.

 Coupled with the facts that kids are bypassing firewalls and parental blocks to access porn, and you're left with sex ed that compounds fact with fiction. No wonder why kids hide this activity from parents!

Yet research demonstrates that teens who can be open about their sexuality with their parents fare better in every aspect of their sexual health. And study after study has found that sexual shame harms people in myriad ways.

From heightening the likelihood of substance abuse and eating disorders, to increasing STI and HIV risk, to preventing survivors of sexual assault from reporting the crimes, to compulsive pornography consumption, there is no doubt that framing sex in negative terms has real world consequences.

Author Row Murray is hoping to change that.Row is the author of For Foxes’ Sake!, the age-appropriate sex education book I wish I had growing up. Aimed at teenagers, their teachers and their parents, it’s a no holds barred deep dive into safer and healthier sex for young girls today.In this episode, we discuss:

What are teens searching for online?

Porn viewing habits

Why parents need to take responsibility for their kids sex education

The danger of porn as an educator

Where did I come from?

Sex fairy god mothers

Periods talk!

Why teens talk to their parents last about sex

What is a sex positivity?

How to create a sex positive home

Fat shaming and sex work

Can sexting be empowering?

The Fappening

Are people who look at shared nude selfies just as guilty as those who share them without consent?

Nickolai Goundry, technology and male culture

Female drivers and motorcross

Pay for high quality, ethical, consensual porn!

Sex workers everywhere on Twitter

Porn piracy and the politics of consumer trends

Vixen.com

Sex work is work!

How teen girls can rock self respect online

State-based legislation around selfie culture

Rachel Syme’s essays on selfie culture

Did Paris Hilton invent the first selfie?

Why safe sex and sensuality are compatible

Why teens have the highest STI rates of any generation

LELO Hex and condom innovation

Lubes, latex and finding the right condom for you

Pretty Little Liars, surveillance and the male gaze

Is it possible to turn the male gaze on its head?

Male aggression and cat calling

Bitch facing like a champion

How to break down herd mentality

The dangers of steaming your vagina

How to clean your sex toys safely

Row’s new book for teenage boys - All Foxed Up!

You can buy For Foxes' Sake! at Row's website.

You can also stay up to date with Row's latest writing on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Men, on average, die five years younger than women, and researchers believe that a big part of that gap is about social isolation. In other words, men are dying before women, to some extent, due to a lack of support amongst men themselves. It’s also true that there’s a tendency for men to avoid seeking care for depression and our cultural norms discourage men from seeking help for mental illness.

In the interest of discussing these alarming statistics from someone with more experiential wisdom, I spoke with James Ferne of The Men's Collective. They're a Melbourne based support group for millennial men to self-reveal, reflect and support one another all in the name of personal development and mental health. Ultimately, The Men’s collective is a space for dudes to be seen and heard, and to break down barriers of pride, shame and stigma.

In this episode, we talk about:

The effect of WW1 and 2 on masculinity

Why your friends can’t always give you advice

Why you need an objective sounding board

The benefit of an objective understanding

The difference between speaking form the heart and the head

The art of manliness

Why inner strength is a muscle

The shame in over-sharing

Is your drunk self your real self?

The physiological pain of social rejection - it actually HURTS physically

Limbic resonance and how our parents teach us how to respond emotionally

Beyond Mars and Venus by John Gray

Why guys find it easier to open up through activity

Why suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45

Men are 3 times more likely to die from suicide than women

Manhood by Steve Biddulph

The effect of the industrial revolution on gender roles

Alex White and Modern Masculinity

Why we only see the 1% of what men look like on social media

What is a fuckboi?

How to cultivate a space of honesty and self-revelation

The hierarchy of honesty

Social media anxiety

The over-pathologisation of feelings

How to know when it's time to see a psychologist

Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel

Marshall Rosenburg and the Theory of NonViolent Communication

 

The Men's Collective holds monthly meetings for young men throughout Melbourne. Find out when the next event is on Facebook.

Once a couple's Oxytocin rollercoaster comes to a grinding halt, they face a plethora of romantic and personal dilemmas. Whereas once you might have let conflicting values and certain behaviours slide throughout your honeymoon period, you might begin to question your future together once the rosey hue of new love has faded.

The question is: should you break up?

In this episode, we speak to fellow podcaster Meg Luscombe. She is a Melbourne-based life and relationship expert who facilitates meditation, healing and personal growth for all types of couples. Ultimately, she provides them with life skills to help them overcome obstacles so that they can have more fulfilling relationships.

In this episode, we talk about:

Why we all have multiple ‘soul mates’

Why love is not hopeless

The different between lust and love

If I’m obsessed with someone, does it mean I love them?

Limerence and the psychological dangers of the honeymoon period

When to know when your lust is destroying your life

The urge to merge

Britney Spears and Justine Timberlake = relationship goals

How do you deal with a friend who ghosts you when they get a bf/gf?

Why it physically hurts to go through a break up

Should you listen to your gut?

Why doubt isn’t always a bad thing

Relationship red flads

Why some people are in our lives for a short time, and not forever

How to end a relationship compassionately - don’t rip the band aid off!

How to communicate during a breakup

Love songs and toxic romance

Do we all need a relationship contract?

The danger of faking positive emotions and the importance of grieving a relationship properly

The No Contact Rule

When can you be friends with your ex?

Social media detoxes

The gendered divide of grieving and why men tend to suppress

Why "time heals all wounds" is the worst advice

The best advice? Don't give any!

If you enjoyed Meg’s easy-going yet practical approach to relationships, you can easily get in touch with her by visiting her website. She offers coaching for both couples and single people alike. You can also listen to Sex Love Wine for relationships advice every week. Want more? Follow Meg on Facebook and Instagram.

New to All We Cannot Say?

This episode is a great place to embrace fresh perspectives on love psychology, emotional resilience and sexual EQ.

Episode 20 is a recap of the most popular episodes from Season Two, with a focus on overcoming fear and anxiety. From learning how to communicate, to initiating respectful casual sex, this episode ties together a plethora of concepts which all have one unique attribute in common: a need to readdress our fears with new skills. Whether that's a fear of love or exploring our sexuality, it is only through radical acts of vulnerability, surrendering, and truly committing to personal growth that we can discover our obstacles are avenues through which to explore our inner conflicts.

 

Things discussed in this episode:

Mental health

Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder

Embracing fear at Fuck Up Nights

Erik Newton and The Future of Marriage and Divorce

Conflict as a tool for creating depth in a relationship

Codependency, and why the art of radical acceptance is the key to liberation

Bryony Cole and The Future of Sex

Can teledildonics improve our long-distance relationships?

How can we use technology to explore our own sexual pleasure

The changing definition of sex

Vanessa Muradian on Letting It All Go with Yoni Massage

In Praise of Love by Alain Badiou with Nicholas Truong

How to pick up in person (it's possible!)

The art of self-care

Why I quit online dating recently

Hannah Joyner on Dating with Depression and Anxiety

Our tips for dating someone with depression

Sad girl memes as a form of therapy and peer support for Gen Y women

How to date if you have depression

Why people relate more to generalised anxiety than they do to depression

The importance of rocking your problems and owning your shit

Why it’s TOTALLY OKAY to wear a mask on your first date

Gigi Engle and Life As a Sex Columnist

Consent culture, reluctant consent, and how to get your enthusiastic YES!

Sex columnist problems and the agency to say FUCK OFF

Should you talk about sex with your coworkers?

Why we need to label the behaviour, and not the person

Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and essential skills for conflict management

Life as an Escort with Estelle Lucas, Melbourne's top escort

Why sex work is work!

The definition of intimacy

Social media and marketing for escorts

Kaila Perusco and Conscious Dating Co

How to initiate respectful, casual sex and not get hurt

Alex White and Modern Masculinity in 2017

The Pleasure.School

Why boys will be boys is bullshit and completely harmful to equality

When it’s the right time to think with your dick

Got something to say about love and sex? Are you an expert with an informed point of view?All We Cannot Say would love to hear your perspectives and share them with our audience. Reach out – we're eager to hear from articulate persons who love a good conversation.

 

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In 2017, there’s never been a better time to rally for social change, both on a micro and macro level. It's why All We Cannot Say exists - to challenge our perceptions of love and sexuality, and to help readers and listeners enhance their EQ. Yet with identity politics and conflict at the fore of our cultural consciousness, we're discovering the future is uncertain for equality. It begs the question: what does this mean for our notions of gender and sexuality? Do we need a new definition of masculinity to support more equality? Is the future really female? And how do we support each other to embrace growth, equality, and social and political change?These are just a few of the pressing questions that permeate our cultural milieu. And it’s why I approached Alex White of The Man Lab, a Melbourne-based coaching service for modern men seeking strategies for personal growth and a healthier sexuality.With his multi-modal approach to coaching, Alex helps his clients enhance their relationships and sex lives through exploring healthy masculinity, spirituality and sexuality. The result is a modern practice that enhances his clients’ sex lives and relationships, and aids in fostering a greater connection to self through deeper self-awareness.

 

Modern masculinity and other things discussed in this episode:

Alex’s life as a UX designer, and how human behavioural psychology influences his work as a coach

How do you become a life coach? Do you need a psychology degree?

Male initiation ceremonies in Australia

The Mankind Project

Vipassana meditation

Digital detoxes

Mindfulness

Being a workshop junkie, and extending that workshop high once 'reality' hits

How is a life coach different from a therapist, psychologist or counsellor?

How to healthily process emotions physically, rather than mentally

What is masculinity in 2017? Do we need to redefine masculinity? How do we do this?

The difference between male and female, masculine and feminine

The problem with gendering the body and behaviour

How to recognise a masculinity/femininity imbalance, and what to do about it

Feminism, equal pay, and equal rights

Gender stereotypes

The core attributes that define a healthy adult

The best time to think with your dick - all the time!

Why I think Drake is a healthy role model for modern healthy masculinity, and why Alex doesn’t agree with me

What does a good masculine role model look like?

How to cultivate presence physically and mentally for better conversations and relationships

The art of practical self love through applied touch

The problem with ‘boys will be boys’

It Didn’t Start with You

Why inherited family trauma affects generations, and how to stop the vicious cycle

How to balance science with traditional methodologies

Why modern men NEED social rites of passage to mark adulthood, and how to find them in Australia

The number one reason men seek a coach, and the first step to releasing that trauma

Why calling a TIME OUT is the healthiest way to deal with conflict

How to facilitate safety and maturity in an argument with your partner

The easiest way to incorporate a simple, effective meditation practice into your daily life

Headspace app

How men can embrace more feminine qualities, and why balance is the key to a healthy, happy life

The best exercises for starting your day off right

The WORST WAY to balance your energy

What practices make for a good coach, and how to spot a bad coach a mile away

The best way that women can support men

Why stepping away and doing nothing is a powerful act

How to ensure that your needs are REALLY heard by your partner

Come hear Camilla talk about All We Cannot Say at the next Fuck Up Nights event in Melbourne. Proudly presented by General Assembly as part of Melbourne Knowledge Week 2017, Fuck Up Nights is a global movement embracing vulnerability through story telling.

It's FREE to come along! Just RSVP here.

 

Book a session with Alex at TheManLab.org

 

 

Be sure to check out All We Cannot Say on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

You know how the story goes.

Boy swipes right.

Girl swipes right.

Boy and girl meet.

Boy and girl date, ghost, and repeat.

It’s a modern love story, no?

If you’re feeling defeated and romantically stifled, there is a better way to date.

If you've become apathetic with the prospect of meeting a genuine soul to connect with, conscious dating is for you. 

Conscious Dating is not altogether a new concept. But thanks to individuals like Kaila Perusco, it’s an approach to dating that’s becoming more popularised amongst Generation Y.

Kaila heads the The Conscious Dating Co, which runs a unique kind of speed dating event in Sydney and Melbourne. It attracts self-aware 20-30-somethings who are looking to engage in stimulating conversation, and leave with their dignity in tact. Rather than play musical chairs with 10-15 different people, Kaila organises fun group activities and questions designed to reveal a person’s character. Attendees leave feeling fulfilled, respected, and have even gone on to find their long-term partner.

 

Want to try conscious dating for yourself?

Sign up to one of Kaila's events.

Last year I found a group of women online who not only focus on promoting their professional identities, but simultaneously (and perhaps not intentionally), work to remove the shame and stigma of erotic labour. There’s room for selfies, humour, friendship and sharing values, and we’re invited to watch and participate. It’s a world that’s open to the general public, and the ease in which you can find these communities makes them easy to access.

So, I reached out to a few and heard crickets. Of course, these women can be targets for the perverse, and sometimes the well-intentioned but ultimately ignorant. 

After a few exchanges with Estelle, I realised I fell into the latter. I wanted to be a good ally, but here’s the thing: you can’t just email escorts on the internet for quotes.

So I struck up an email exchange with Estelle, and eventually we agreed to meet. It was obvious to us both that my standard, superficial questions wouldn’t form the basis of a good interview. 

Instead, we spoke about identity politics, gender politics, the meaning of love and intimacy, cultural values and so much more. 

This is not an interview about what sex work is. Instead, it explores a multitude of dimensions to further enrich your emotional intelligence.

Being a professional sex columnist is a trope that often brings up allusions to a certain curly-haired dame with an extensive shoe collection. Cigarette dangling from her mouth, she breaths out disdain for the trail of hearts and emotional debris left in her wake, as she types her prophecy into the internet universe.

 

But it’s 2017, and with our sexual openness, WIFI connections and the added layer of complexity that online dating brings to relationships, we need a new breed of guru. Someone who’s writing career is real, whose dating life is relatable, and whose advice is grounded in a need to empower women everywhere.

 

Enter Gigi Engle, professional sex columnist and cohost of podcast Dirty Sexy Monogamy. Gigi has written sex and relationship advice for the likes of The Thrillest, was the senior sex and lifestyle writer at Elite Daily, and she has also written for Men’s Health, Elle Magazine and Bustle.

 

In this episode, we talk about:

The most common sex questions

How to get your partner to have sex with you more

Being a proud slut and a highly sexual woman

The trials of having a higher libido than your partner

Masculinity, sexuality and the challenges of having different libidos

+ loads more!

 

Want more of Gigi? Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

AND, if you're in New York, be sure to check out Gigi's workshop Sexting 101 this March 15. It's just $15 to learn the correct etiquette for a pants-dropping digital missive.

Buy tickets online here.

There’s a tendency to overdramatise and often romanticise depression and anxiety. A whole litany of tropes spring to mind - the tortured artist, the mysterious girl with sad eyes, the neurotic genius. But mental health is far from glamorous, and I would argue, far form being a big deal.

Everyone experiences moments of despair and extreme stress, but when it comes to clinical depression and anxiety, these add another layer of complexity to the already confusing world of dating.

In this episode, Hannah Joyner speaks to us about her own experiences with OCD, anxiety and depression.

As someone who’s skilled in the art of exploring complexity and social issues for the likes of VICE and Tone Deaf, she approaches pop culture and politics with accessibility in mind. She makes the topics she writes about easy to understand and explore, and a pleasure to read.

Have we reached peak dating app apathy? Does technology have a place in the bedroom? These are questions I went to Bryony Cole with. As the host of The Future of Sex Show, Bryony uses her podcast as a means to explore the brave new world of physical intimacy. Featuring interviews with sex and tech thought leaders, The Future of Sex is a deep dive into a new world of intimacy crossed with innovation.