All We Cannot Say

I'm thankful to live in a time and place where progressive thinking and equality are celebrated. Do you feel the same way? If you do, you might be just as eager to embrace Becoming Cliterate (2017, HarperOne) with both hands (or just one, if you catch my drift).

Dr Laurie Mintz created this resource for people everywhere with clitorises – and those who love them – to fully embrace their orgasmic potential. Because with straight, cis-gendered women receiving the least orgasms, it seems we as a culture have ways to go.

Dr Laurie Mintz is an author, psychologist, a speaker and a professor  whose life’s work has been committed to helping people live more authentic, meaningful, and joyful lives through the art and science of psychology.

Along with Becoming Cliterate, she's also authored  A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship (Adams Media, 2009).

 

In this episode, we explore what Mintz calls the orgasm gap, and explore ways to bridge the hugely unfair divide.

 

In this episode we talk about:

What is the orgasm gap?

The number one reason women aren’t having enough orgasms

Is porn bad?

Why penetrative sex does not = female orgasm

Why sex education in the US contributes to the orgasm gap

Are older women more sexually fulfilled than those below 35?

Is foreplay ruining your sex life?

What is linguistic genital mutiliation?

Basic female anatomy - are you getting it right?

Different = deficit

G-spot ejaculation

Lauren White and the Anti-Tantra Mantra

Hugo Schwyzer and anal sex

Is there a purpose beyond pleasure for the female orgasm?

The Case of the Female Orgasm by Elizabeth Lloyd 

The evolution of the clitoris

How to express your needs during a casual hook-up

The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

How to recover from sexual abuse and reclaim your sexuality

Why you absolutely need to stop making penis-sized jokes

 

Dr Laurie has a fabulous blog should you seek further advice and tips.

You can also follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

I believe in using your voice and tiny lived experienced for endless creation. And so does Gigi Engle, All We Cannot Say alumni, writer and professional sex educator. It takes a grand supply of chutzpah to be vocal AND heard on the internet, and with the force of her words and audacious attitude, Gigi makes herself heard as a woman standing up for all women.

Haven’t heard of her? It’s a hard moment in our culture to pay attention to anyone with reverence, yet seldom is there someone as noisy. One day she’s penning an article on anal sex for Teen Vogue, the next she’s posting an image of her crystal face roller to Instagram. Both are marked displays of feminist culture in 2018.

Throughout the past year of personal growth and audio exploration, Gigi and I have DMd, sent winky faces, and she’s even vouching for me when I apply for my Masters of Sexology. When I thanked her she told me to shut up because women support women. That’s solidarity.

And that’s why I wanted her back on the podcast. What unfolds between us is typically millennial, somewhat contentious, hilarious and expansive.

 

In this episode we talk about:

Gigi’s new book

The Pussy Power Hour

How do you develop emotional resilience during heartache?

Why you ABSOLUTELY need relationship contracts

Has feminism gone too far now that feminism is specifically critiquing me?

Why isn’t feminism called equalism?

Affirmative action in Australia

Tony Robbins is misogynistic 

Aziz Ansari

Is Tim Ferriss a good example of healthy masculinity?

Your Sexual PSA

Social media and censorship

The cliterosity campaign

When is it time to pop your sex positivity bubble?

Is pretty privilege a thing?

Are you a #girlboss or just a boss?

Lingham massage

What is sex work?

Episode 31 with Liara Roux

The sexual health expo in New York

Mal Harrison

The Museum of Sex

 

Find more of Gigi all over the internet - namely Twitter and Instagram.

On April 11, Trump signed into law two new bills that sex workers say will literally kill them.

The bills - Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act (FOSTA) and Stop Enabling Sex Trafficking Act (SESTA) makes websites liable for the content they publish. This means that many online services - that host adult content are now taking down user websites and user accounts to avoid legal action.

Many online activists - primarily consensual sex workers - have criticised the bill for attacking freedom of speech, saying it does nothing to help sex trafficking victims. Instead, it's erasing their safe spaces where they can advertise their services, share safety resources, and freely express themselves.

And although it might be as late as January 2019 before arrests can be made, these bills have already sent shockwaves across the internet.

One of the websites key to the FOSTA debate was Backpage, an online classifieds site where users frequently – but not primarily – advertised for sexual services. Federal authorities seized Backpage on Monday, two days before Trump even signed the bills, demonstrating that the FBI never really needed FOSTA’s backing to indict the site to begin with.

Now almost two months after the introduction of these new laws, many more websites have shutdown, and sex workers and their supporters have begun to mobilise.

In this episode, we speak to Liara Roux, a sex worker, independent adult media producer and director, a political organizer focused on freedom of expression for adult workers online, and an advocate for decriminalization and protection of consensual adult activity including queer and sex worker rights and safety worldwide.

 

In this episode, we talk about:

What is FOSTA/SESTA?

Who supports it?

Who opposes it?

Who does FOSTA/SESTA affect?

How automated bots are removing your adult content with very little oversight or human input

Why FOSTA and SESTA are about consensual sex work and NOT sex trafficking

In what ways does FOSTA and SESTA hurt individuals rather than help them?

What is sex trafficking?

Should internet companies be responsible for their user content?

Where it all started with Kamala Harris and Backpage

Relationship dynamics between sex workers and their clients

Bounded authenticity and sex work

Is sex work authentic?

Are all relationships transactional?

Class movement and sex work

The economics of porn

Mindgeek’s crazy monopoly on porn

Sex at the margins by Laura Augustin

Why criminalising sex work does not help victims of sex trafficking

The death of Backpage and Cracker as advertising platforms for consensual sex work

The organisation rewarding $25k to sex workers who’ll out congressmen clients who supported FOSTA/SESTA

Stormy Daniels, the sex worker attempting to dismantle the US presidency

Twitter shadow bans

Switter.at, the sex worker alternative to Twitter with over 40k users

Temporarily Yours by Elizabeth Bernstein

How will sex worker clients be affected by FOSTA/SESTA?

Sex Worker Exclusionary Feminism (SWERF)

The history of marriage

Why and how FOSTA/SESTA has created a seller’s market due to increased risk

How can you help sex workers?

 

Want to show your support? Visit survivorsagainstsesta.org

Follow Liara Roux on Twitter for more updates as they unfold.

This particular episode comes at a time when it’s essential to talk about the experiences of sex workers. In the past week, not only was December 17 international day to end violence against sex workers, but December 19 also marked one year since exotic dancer Stacey Tierney died. Stacey's body was found at Dreams Gentlemen’s Club in Melbourne, 12 hours after she was seen partying with several patrons. Her death is believed to be caused by a drug overdose, but no confirmation of this has been made.

 

Because no one has been charged with her highly suspicious death, more than 1300 signatures have been collected to call on Victoria Police to find out what happened.

Sex workers and their allies around the world are outraged, because it normalises a stigma around sex work: that it's inherently dangerous, and that sex workers aren’t entitled to the same workplace safety laws.

 

It’s this kind of prejudice that plays into the myth that sex workers are responsible for crimes committed against them. While there is no evidence yet about how Stacey died, the media diminished her life and her death with salacious speculation about her ‘secret’ life ... which must be heart-breaking for her grieving family and friends who received no closure.

Sex work, and sex workers, DO MATTER. And that’s the message of this episode.

It’s a sentiment that author Lola Davina explores in her self-help book [amazon_textlink asin='0998892068' text='Thriving in Sex Work. ' template='ProductLink' store='allwecannotsa-20' marketplace='US' link_id='8f36fc6f-e6d4-11e7-8edf-09f7dd9b8cec']As a former sex worker, Davina has first-hand insight and advice for staying sane, healthy and happy within an industry that’s so often misunderstood.

In this episode, we talk about mental health and sex work, and:

Stoic philosophy and Seneca

Pre-emptive negative visualisation

Front-load thinkings versus back-end thinking

The gift of fear

Practical fears versus unwarranted fears

Stigma and sex work

Staying safe as a sex worker

The fantasy of the girlfriend experience (GFE)

Authenticity and personal brands

What IS important in sex work? Regular customer service!

The history of monogamy, sex and love

Rachel Hills and The Sex Myth

Mindfulness meditation

The essential soft skills for sex work: awareness, empathy, patience and practice

Legislation and sex work

Brit Marling on men as gatekeepers of economics

The psychology of commodified sexuality

What to do if your partner wants to try and a fantasy and you DON'T

Row Murray and For Foxe’s Sake

The pros and cons of self publishing

The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

How to Be an Adult by David Rihco

Developing boundaries as a sex worker

Developing boundaries as part of a secure identity

Harvey Weinstein and consent

 

Buy Lola’s book on Amazon.

Follow Lola on Twitter.

Sign the petition to demonstrate your support for Stacey Tierney's case.

Luna Matatas was married once. After a divorce and a sexual renaissance of sorts, she discovered a new-found energy for exploring her sexuality as a curious and empowered woman. Today, she helps singles, couples and new divorcees to traverse new, erotic terrains. From navigating anal sex etiquette, to how using Tinder for a threesome, to pegging and all manner of other taboo activities, this episode explores a wide scope of topics.

 

In this episode, we talk about:

 

O School

Kate McCombs of Tea and Empathy

Sexual renaissance after divorce

What makes a bad threesome?

What do you need to study to be a sex expert?

Sex and the City, Girls and HBO as part of the discursive construction of sexuality

Fifty Shades of Grey, erotic literature and pathologising kink as trauma

Non-sexual submission and domination

Sex as part of creative expression

How to use empathy to become a better lover

Your biggest erogenous zone - YOUR BRAIN

How do you find pleasure outside of instant gratification?

What is a fetish?

Does 'Don’t yuck my yum’ enable problematic fetishes?

Can you ever over-masturbate?

How to have an honest and open dialogue about fetishes with your conservative partner

What is age play? Is age play unethical?

How to use dating apps to find your unicorn

Should use a sex worker for your next threesome?

10 things your can do to optimise your dating profile to attract your unicorn

How to deal with jealousy during a threesome

Where does shame come from?

Everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power

Body positivity as an empowering tool in the labour force

How can men be an ally? 

Get your Peg the Patriarchy Panties here.

Fuck Like a Goddess - the official underwear.  

The rise of anal pay in mainstream media.

What makes a body-safe sex toy?

Can you put a crystals (yoni eggs) in your vagina?

What is Feminine Dominance (femme domme)?

 

You can find more information about Luna’s workshops via her website.

Be sure to follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

Have you ever stopped to think about where your porn comes from, or if porn actors receive fair pay? These aren’t generally pressing questions for the average porn consumer as they scroll through their search results for a 5-minute clip. But as with all parts of consumer culture, it’s important for us to think about how we can support higher and more ethical production standards.

Euphemia Russell is a pleasure and sexuality educator in Melbourne. In this episode, we spoke to her about the state of the Australian adult entertainment industry, and how we can help to support artistic integrity and fairer production standards.

 

In this episode, we also discuss:

The state of Australian sex education

The cultural, political and institutional barriers to running a sex education business

The state of the porn industry

Does ethical porn exist?

Why sex work is work

The politics of Porn Hub and its heteronormative cis-gendered bias

One cup, two girls

What really goes on inside the porn industry?

Do we need more realistic porn? Is there a place for fantasy in our intimate lives?

Porn screenings and safe spaces for understanding public and private perceptions of porn

Why we NEED more public spaces to talk about sex safely

Row Murray on Episode 23 

Kids are watching porn from as young as 8-years-old

When is the time educate our kids about safe, consensual sex?

Porn tropes and their place in rape culture

The demise of high quality porn in the 90s

Why you absolutely HAVE to pay for porn

Crash Pad Series

The problem with ‘feminist' porn and ‘ethical’ porn

SWERFs and social exclusion

Why do so many straight women love lesbian porn?

How you we be better consumers? Vote with your dollars!

Visit Pinklabel.tv for loads of high-quality, ethically produced porn

Porn actor Jizz Lee

Catalyst Con

Why is Australia so conservative?

Victorian legal frameworks and sex work 

#gymtw

Sex Worker’s Outreach Program 

Estelle Lucas on Episode 17 

Why rape fantasies are common - but are they 'normal'?

Esther Perel and the concept of a secret garden

How to cultivate healthy fantasies

Lube is the BEST SEX TOY

The difference between oil, silicone and water-based lubes

Passionfruit in Richmond, Melbourne

 

Be sure to follow Euphemia’s work on Instagram and Facebook.

A low libido is one of the most common sexual complaints for women.   It’s also Lauren White’s area of expertise and her passion. Lauren is a sexologist based in Brisbane, who assists her many satisfied clients to reinvigorate their sexual power and their intimate lives. Through her one-on-one sessions and workshops, she helps women to release their psychological blocks that prevent them from fully stepping into their sexuality.

In this episode we discuss the elusive female libido, as well as:

What is Saturn’s return?

Studying Sexology at Curtin university

Why your late 20s is a huge time of emotional growth

Unboxed and ethical sex toy companies

The prevalence and significance of orgasm equality in 2017

Hormonal contraceptives

Why women need to change by ourselves, for ourselves

Harvey Weinstein, consent and the #metoo campaign

Is everyone else having sex but you?

Why the language we use influences your sexual mind-set

Quality over quantity, especially between the sheets

The danger of silence and assumptions in shaping our belief systems

Why communication is key to a healthy sexuality

The best way to start a conversation about sex

How to foster a safe space for important, sensitive topics

What makes soy a huge libido blocker?

Alcohol’s effect on your orgasmic capacity

How to expand and explore your sexuality

Urban Tantra

Women's Anatomy by Sherry Winston

Vanilla sex and the anti-tantra mantra

Is penetration a requisite for sex?

The difference between a sexual act and intercourse

The joys of non-goal-oriented sex

Do our body’s possess an innate wisdom?

The ideal time for foreplay - it’s longer than you think

Vanessa Muradian of Mia Muse on Yoni Massage 

How do you help the woman in your life feel more sexy, confident and in control?

 

 

Want to work with Lauren?

Explore her website to find out how. 

You can also follow her on Instagram.

It's easy to discount our behaviours as instinctive and unshakeable. The way we think and act is often perplexing, even when we’re at our most self-aware. But what we might not be aware of is that there are different systems for thinking and acting, and with the right tools and mindset, we can learn how to manipulate these systems. The result? More self-control, self-awareness, and the ability to change your life. In this minisode, we’re delving into behavioural psychology, how our unconscious mode of thinking drastically affects our romantic lives, and why we go after the wrong person.

In this episode we talk about:

Check out The Pussy Power Hour with Gigi Engle. We’re here to answer YOUR questions in our signature candid and honest format.

Episode 1: Love Stinks

Attachment theory of love and how to change your romantic script

Buy Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Buy Attachment Theory by John Bowlby

Buy Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman 

Further your love and sex EQ. Subscribe to Well Versed and receive a list of 50+ valuable resources to change your life.

Did you learn something new and interesting in this episode? Leave us a review on iTunes.

You can also stay up to date with us on Instagram and Facebook.

Can you truly be friends with a previous partner? This is a question we’ve explored previously on the blog and on the podcast. But what readers and listeners might not be aware of is that All We Cannot Say is inspired by an honest conversation between two exes who achieved what many set out to do, but fail: friendship without borders. Board game designer Peter C. Hayward  and artist Honour Eastly (otherwise known as SJ) co-host Being Honest With My Ex, a podcast that explores what happens when two former partners heal their respective heartaches, and become the best of friends without agenda. It’s an authentic exploration of the dynamic between two previous lovers who’ve transformed romantic love into hatred, and then into platonic love for all the world to witness and enjoy. If you enjoy candour, black humour and unabashed honesty, it's a real treat for your ears. In this latest episode from All We Cannot Say , Peter joins us to discuss the creative process behind Being Honest with My Ex, his thoughts on jealousy, and why exes can be the best of friends.

In this episode, we answer the question 'Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?'

We also talk about:

How do you start a podcast with your ex?

The beginning of Being honest With My Ex

Harmon Town

The cathartic experience of airing your dirty laundry publicly

The logistics of recording with a former partner in a different country

The emotional and energetic labour involved in creating your own podcast

Personal growth via creating audio material

Anne Hunter on Episode 3: Ethical Non-Monogamy

Why listening to yourself argue is a great exercise in introspection and personal development

How to resolve an argument you’ve started or made worse

Can you really be friends with your ex?

Why your ego is your worst enemy

How to deal with jealousy if your partner is still friends with their ex

Big Fish the movie

Gender identity

How to navigate pronouns in a gender-centric world

The joys and setbacks of living within your own progressive bubble

The emotional and intellectual benefits of surrounding yourself with adversaries

How to build mental muscles for emotional and intellectual strength

The emotional challenges in personal reconciliation

Sleep and it's importance for the creative process

Gimlet Media

So This Is Love and creative partnerships with your life partner

Private romance as public performance

Is there such a thing as a soul mate?

Starving Artist Podcast and how to make money from creative endeavours

Does the microphone make you more authentic?

Schrodinger’s Cat

Want to explore Peter's other podcasts? Subscribe to Being Honest With My ExListen to So This Is Love (currently on hiatus)

Join myself and Gigi Engle for the Pussy Power Hour this October 4, 7pm, New York time (October 5, 9am, Melbourne time). RSVP via Facebook, and be sure to like Gigi Engle's Facebook page to get notified when we go LIVE.

Rachel Hills is the author of The Sex Myth, a highly accessible but nonetheless meaty piece of new non-fictional feminist literature.

So what exactly is the sex myth? If you’ve ever been burdened by societal rules on ladylike behaviour, you’ll understand the pervasive sense that your sexual appetite might not fit the norm. Is everyone having sex but you? Or perhaps you feel shamed for your casual encounters? It’s been fifty years since the sexual revolution, yes, but there’s a new power at play here in policing what goes on behind closed doors.

It’s not the government.

It’s not the church.

And it’s not the media (not always, anyway).

It’s actually us. And although our new brand of sexual convention doesn’t exist within a vacuum, it really is up to us to bust our own sex myths in the name of health and happiness.

 

In this episode we talk about:

Nerdy and passionate love for feminist non-fiction

Why the personal is political, and the sex myth as part of a broader cultural framework

What is the sex myth and how are we ALL affected by it?

Is everyone having sex but you? The answer…NOPE!

Shame and stigma around sexuality

How do sex myths come about? Hint - it’s not the media…it’s you!

Why sex work is NOT uniquely exploitative. It’s just work!

Slut shaming

Sex as a serious, academic subject

The perils of writing while female and mansplaining

Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy

The definition of healthy sexual expression (hint: does it feel good? Is it ethical?)

Is overt sexual expression the only real sexuality?

Are morality and ethics the same thing?

Sex Start Ups in a Hostile Business World 

Cindy Gallop’s Make Love Not Porn and marketing sex

Why porn is not inherently detrimental to consent culture and feminism

Yes, God, Yes by Karen Maine 

Why does repressing sex make it more exciting?

Seeking Arrangement, Sugar Daddy dating and selling your sexuality for profit

The financial privileges of sexual freedom

Sex and the City and its place within our sexual freedom narratives

The disparity between social classes and sexual freedom

The astounding relevancy of The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Trump’s presidency and reproductive rights and LGBTQ rights

What’s the difference between objectification and subjectification

The History of Sexuality by Focault 

How rules become a part of our lives without us even realising it

Pitching to women’s magazines and writing about progressive issues for teen magazines

Middle class expectations, insecurity and straddling the line between two extremes

Sex as a part of consumer culture

Do dating apps commoditise people?

The rating and dating complex by William Waller 

What actions can we take TODAY to combat the Sex Myth?

 

Buy tickets to Rachel's play here.

You can buy Rachel's book The Sex Myth through Amazon.