Amateur to Pro

A dear reader and friend in my coaching community, John, asked, “Carolyn, how do you balance healthy self-interest with the need to be fully present for those you care about?” The question surfaced after I shared with him how privileged I felt to have my family visit for two weeks in Lake Tahoe—the paradise I call home. At the same time, I felt conflicted because while they were on vacation, I was still working, parenting, training, maintaining a home, and upholding all the other responsibilities of everyday life. I often felt like I was short-changing my family by not joining them for the kinds of activities we usually engage in when on holiday. Somehow, wherever I was, I felt I should be somewhere else.

Yesterday morning, a client of mine, Peter, sent me a lovely text stating the following:

Peter: "You’re like the human AI!"

Me: "Why?"

Peter: "Because you’ve read every non-fiction book ever written and you have a book recommendation for every dilemma."

Peter is exaggerating, but it’s true that I've always been a reader. In a way, I’ve been educating myself through books since I was in my teens.

I was hard-pressed to crack open a textbook, but I devoured anything about human behavior, human potential, and the metaphysical.

However, my insights and learnings—those that have led me to become a Professional Coach—have less to do with consuming information and a lot more to do with taking the time and putting in the effort to digest what I consume.

What is a piece of wisdom that you feel you have consumed and digested in your life and would now like to share with others? She continued, “Wisdom that has been an especially powerful force in your life and in who you are today…” Well, I have a few things to share, but first, it’s important to get aligned on the meaning of wisdom. Let’s pick up where we left off in “Wisdom I paid for. So you don’t have to–Part 1.” Here, I share with you wisdom snacks 8-14.

Recently, a friend, who is also a Professional Coach, asked me the following question: What is a piece of wisdom that you feel you have consumed and digested in your life and would now like to share with others? She continued, “Wisdom that has been an especially powerful force in your life and in who you are today…” Well, I have a few things to share, but first, it’s important to get aligned on the meaning of wisdom.

Personality is a myth. For many of us, it’s also a lifelong distraction from our purpose. We are trained from a young age to believe that this thing we call our personality is something solid, fixed, and foundational. While still growing into who we may one day become, we hear our parents make seemingly innocent comments like: “He’s just like his dad.” “He was stubborn from the first day of his life.” “It’s genetic.” “She’s got a temper. That’s just who she is.” Our parents don’t say these things consciously, and they don’t mean to harm us. However, when we hear these kinds of statements as children, we accept them as the truth. We begin to believe we have a personality we’re born with—and stuck with!

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how certain emotions can feel like companions—uninvited ones that show up and stay longer than expected. As a Life and Leadership Coach, I help my clients build the awareness, courage, and skill to sit with their difficult emotions without buffering through the countless distractions available to us—overdrinking, overeating, overworking, porn, social media and every high-achieving person’s favorite go to; toxic productivity. We buffer because we are afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel difficult emotions fully, we’ll be swallowed by them and unable to return to the rhythms of daily life. Buffering—our attempt to keep undesirable emotions at bay—may seem like a good idea at first, but the cost is far too high!

This past weekend, I attended my nephew’s high school graduation. As I watched the ceremony, I was struck by how mature and composed so many of the graduating seniors appeared—they looked like fully formed adults, seemingly ready to take on the world. It took me back to my own high school graduation. I remember feeling just as grown-up, confident, capable, and eager for what was next. Only now, with the benefit of hindsight, can I see how unprepared I truly was for the complexities of adult life. I had plenty of information, but very little wisdom. So, a few decades later, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what I wish I’d known back then. Here are 14 pieces of advice I would have given my 18-year-old self. In truth, they apply to anyone on the edge of adulthood, not just graduating seniors.

The more time I spend outdoors, the deeper I fall in love with trees.

Trees are the wisest teachers a human can have.

Trees are everything I aspire to become.

Trees are patient.

Trees are generous.

Trees don’t question their worthiness or mine.

Trees grow underground networks to help other trees thrive.

Trees tolerate human stupidity, like when we carve our initials into them, and still give us shade and cover.

Trees bend toward the light.

Trees have infinite wisdom stored inside their rings.

Trees don’t judge other trees—at least not out loud.

Trees are trustworthy and know how to keep confidence.

Trees turn everything, even dead bodies, into something useful.

Trees are always growing.

Is there something magical about Transformational Coaching? At first, it can feel that way. You start in a place that seems almost impossible to change—and somehow, you end up somewhere entirely different. Even when your external circumstances remain the same (your job, relationship, business, etc.), everything has changed. But those of us who’ve experienced this kind of magic—whether as coach, client, or, in my case, both—know that the kind of coaching that creates true, lasting change is anything but magic. Instead, it feels like going back to school and being introduced to a brand new curriculum. We’re no longer learning Math, History, and Science, but rather Self-awareness, Communication, Life Values (and so much more).

Your AI friend will tell you that we use the word radical when we are going to the root or origin of something and making significant changes. In the context of acceptance and responsibility, radical means always, not sometimes.

It means doing it when it’s difficult, uncomfortable, and exactly what we don’t want to do.

It means turning these two practices into life values and operating principles, not choices or options on the menu of life.

I shared my insights and a practice on Radical Acceptance last week and promised to dive deeper into Radical Responsibility this week.

Let’s pick up where we left off.