An Unexpected Launch

Daniela was 5 years old when she and her mom left communist Romania seeking asylum in Germany. Unable to live together as a family, Daniela and her mom were only able to see her dad in secret. Daniela’s primary concern was to not worry her parents, and this marked the beginning of Daniela avoiding her feelings.

After being denied citizenship in Germany, Daniela’s family loaded their belongings into a car with the plan of driving until they were granted asylum in another country. They ended their journey in Portugal. The immigrant asylum that was their home was a volatile environment. Listening to crime outside of their walls, Daniela did not feel safe. Here, she developed her love of learning and animals. Reading served as her escape and coping mechanism. 

Daniela’s family immigrated to the United States, the fourth country Daniela had lived in and the third time that she arrived in a country not knowing the language or the culture. Being treated differently and being bullied was traumatic. However, this fueled Daniela’s life-long passion for fighting for those who are under-represented. 

To survive, Daniela pushed herself towards perfection. She excelled scholastically. Daniela also excelled at addiction. Looking inward and being still was too painful. Daniela entered the University of Washington, joined a sorority, and found comfort in alcohol. Yet she was able to function at college and at the company she co-founded. For a time. Until alcohol got in the way.

Daniela’s friend intervened; however, she didn’t know what resources were available or how to successfully recover. Initially, Daniela tried to stop drinking on her own. However, she continued drinking until she was charged with a DUI and arrested. Waking up on the cold floor of the jail cell, Daniela knew she couldn’t live this way, but yet she didn’t have the resources to recover. After Daniela’s father bailed her out of jail, she sought the structure of rehabilitation.

While in recovery, Daniela created the WEconnect Health platform in her quest to address the high rate of relapse and the lack of resources provided post rehabilitation. She wanted to create a community that offered connection and accountability. 

Removing the stigma around mental health and equating physical and mental health have been challenging. Yet Daniela believes that sharing stories will help combat the stigma that has been associated with substance use disorder. Daniela believes that when we open up and share, we begin to pave our path to strength, success, and joy.

“Be vulnerable, ask for help, and be gentle with yourself.”

Recovery from substance use disorder is a life-long journey. Valuable resources that Daniela turns to include EMDR therapy, community support meetings, meditation, yoga, exercising, and journaling. Hope and inspiration were overshadowed by desperation early in Daniela’s journey. Daniela felt that her only way out was following the recommendations made during rehabilitation.

Daniela’s life is a gift. She has strong, loving relationships, and an incredible business that fuels her passion and fulfills her mission. Daniela’s greatest hope is that individuals reach their greatest potential, that people learn to look inward and work through trauma, and that they discover that being vulnerable and healing can lead to transformation and joy.

Resources

TedX Intimacy in the Workplace

WEconnect

Virtual Recovery Support Meetings

Unexpected Launch Podcast

Valli and her husband were in a state of shock upon learning their newborn son, Battle, was born with a genetic mutation that resulted in severe hearing loss. Valli stuffed her anxiety and didn’t share her fears with anyone. She felt alone, ashamed, and that she was not allowed to have these feelings. Embarrassed that she felt so sad about Battle’s diagnosis. She wished her healthcare team could have acknowledged how difficult it was to receive the diagnosis, reassure her that Battle would thrive, and connect her with a support group.

Valli grieved the mainstream motherhood experience that she had envisioned. Despite their best intentions, friends and family repeated “He will be fine”, a phrase that minimized Valli’s grief. More helpful would have been hearing,

“This must be really hard. We will stick by your side and support you.”

It is important to feel your grief and move through it – on your own timeline.

Valli recommends that parents of children with hearing loss surround themselves with a trusted, supportive team that is united in purpose and vision and seek reputable experts and resources. Parents should trust their instinct and intuition as they know their child the best.

When four months pregnant with her daughter, Harper, Valli had in utero genetic testing performed. Valli knew her baby had a 1:4 chance of hearing. Valli focused on that 25%. Upon hearing that Harper would be born with hearing loss, Valli felt complete disbelief, surprise, and sadness. She grappled with knowing how challenging it was going to be to navigate the medical appointments, surgeries, and caring for two children with hearing loss.

Battle and Harper are hard-working teenagers who are resilient, adaptable, and thriving. They need to work harder than their hearing peers to learn, to socialize, to play sports. They have not grown out of hearing loss, they have adapted to it.

Valli’s strength came from praying, surrendering, serving others, and finding purpose. Believing that there was a bigger plan and seeking the blessing. Writing about her children and their shared journey through hearing loss has become her mission. Valli’s inspiration came from within; from her desire to create a joyful home.

One of the biggest blessings that has come from Valli’s journey is her gift in speaking to, guiding, and inspiring others. Valli’s greatest hope is that her children be joyful, discover and leverage their talents, and serve others.

Harper, now thirteen years old, is a first-time author. She and Valli co-wrote Now Hear This – Harper Soars with her Magic Ears, a book describing her experience living with hearing loss. The book is based on Harper’s fourth grade journal entry “What makes you unique?” Writing a book together was fun and yet challenging.

After working on the book for years, it felt weird and surreal holding the published book in her hands for the first time.

Throughout this process, Harper learned patience and collaboration. Writing a book was not easily and involved numerous steps. Valli is encouraging Harper to write her next book.

Harper would want children with hearing loss to know that they can excel in school and sports; though they will have to adapt, their hearing loss will not prevent participation in daily activities. Harper would want hearing teens to know that her hearing loss has not stopped her.

Harper feels that her hearing loss allows her to be more understanding of people and the challenges that they may be facing, to be less judgmental. Harper has become somewhat of a celebrity amongst children with hearing loss; they look up to and want to be just like Harper.

Resources

My Battle Call Valli’s blog

Now Hear This – Harper Soars with her Magic Ears Valli and Harper's book

Merf, born Martha Sue, grew up in a small, poor town in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. Fishing and shooting guns. Wearing cut-off shorts and jerseys. A tomboy. 

There were unspoken rules for how a girl was to dress and behave. A home-made yellow, gingham graduation dress served as a turning point and marked the beginning of feelings of confusion and the need to conform to gender rules.

“All of the sudden, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I should want to wear this dress. I should want to put on makeup. I should want to do all of these things, and I just didn’t want to do any of those things.”

After all, tomboys can’t grow up to be tom-men. Adolescent girls were expected to outgrow this “phase.”

Before graduating high school, Merf set off for Buffalo, New York with dreams of becoming an Army medic. Despite passing all of tests, a psychologist probed Merf with personal questions concerning shaving and dressing habits. None one of this made any sense. It felt horrible, uncomfortable. Feeling singled out, once again Merf had the sense of wrong doing.

Despite the passing of time and increased awareness, individuals still suffer discrimination and judgement. Although Merf is less afraid of physical violence, the threat remains. There has been some progress with the passage of laws to protect individuals’ rights, evolving language, and less shame.

To move the collective conversation forward, we need to examine our beliefs of what we hold to be true. Why do we hold these beliefs? Do they serve us? Merf encourages us to listen to each other’s experiences.

Feeling that butch and gender queer individuals were unwelcome most places, Merf found joy, community, comfort, and safety in the gay bars. Merf felt acceptance being surrounded by like individuals. Fear of AIDS and hate were rampant; few places felt safe. A dark time, drinking eased Merf’s discomfort and began a descent into alcoholism

After being admitted to the ER, Merf pursued sobriety and recovery. Lacking clarity of thought, personal will, and internal strength, there was a safety net for Merf that offered treatment and assistance. Merf – by the virtue of being white – was not criminalized or imprisoned. Merf was lifted up. Given a chance. New York’s investment in Merf’s recovery was a saving grace.

Merf went from recovery and five years on welfare to graduating from law school and becoming an award-winning attorney. Merf’s community and relationships were foundational to this success. While Merf lacked self-belief, the surrounding community was vocal with its unwavering belief. Institutionalized in a psychiatric ward without a shirt or shoes, on suicide watch, Merf received a visitor, an acquaintance, who said, “You’re going to do great things.” 

The most challenging aspect of Merf’s gender journey has been the shame associated with feeling different and trying to conform. Feeling failure in nearly every role, Merf has worked hard at letting go and embracing self-acceptance. Fear of violence has been challenging and has impacted life decisions and caused anxiety and feelings of violation.

It’s been a gift to move through life as a man, as a woman, and in the spaces between. Life is quite different for Merf being treated as a man versus a woman. Merf is thankful for the unexpected kindness and communities that have been developed and strengthened through the conversations surrounding gender issues.

Merf’s greatest hope is a world that is peaceful, loving, and kind and where all are treated respectfully. Where there is a place for everyone.

“Be willing to awkward and have fun. Even when it’s painful. Try to find joy - no matter what. We can simultaneously hold pain, discomfort, shame, joy, excitement, and hope.”

Resources

Tedx Talk

Sarah and Shawn met at Microsoft; they shook hands and Sarah heart sparked. They married in 1997, began building their community, and shared incredible adventures. In 2001, they had a child, Carson, who completed their family of three. Carson was their focus; Sarah and Shawn were deeply committed to their family and partnership. Love was rippling and flowing.

It was Father’s Day 2015, and Shawn wanted to celebrate a meal out with his family. Shawn excused himself from the table and did not return. Sarah and Carson found him collapsed in the restaurant’s entryway. Placed in the ambulance, Shawn was declared clinically dead and rushed to the ER. The medical team worked endlessly to resuscitate Shawn; however, at some point, Sarah felt that Shawn was no longer present. “Please, just let him go,” Sarah requested.

Returning home, Sarah found women and children from her community waiting for her. They spent the day sitting with, supporting, and loving Sarah and Carson. Sarah was in awe of their kindness, generosity, and support. 

Sarah’s biggest fear after Shawn’s death was financial security. A stay-at-home parent for 14 years, Sarah worried over supporting her family. She wondered could she keep their house, could she get health insurance, life insurance? Sarah desperately misses her partnership with Shawn, their companionship, and laughter. She longs for having that special person who knows her inside and out and who sees and loves all of her.

Sarah’s immediate concern and highest priority after Shawn died was Carson. To fully support Carson, Sarah knew that she needed to be healthy in body and spirit. Therapy and parental support were key to Sarah’s journey forward. And in turn, Carson was Sarah’s source of strength. Carson has been Sarah’s anchor. Now a solo empty nester, Sarah needs to find a new anchor; one she knows resides within herself. With Carson launched, it’s time for Sarah to focus on herself. With no one to take care of, she’s launched the next chapter of personal journey and is discovering what brings her joy and purpose.

Carson started high school just weeks after Shawn’s death. In shock, Carson didn’t reveal their father’s death to anyone. Despite being in a supportive, loving community, it wasn’t until years later that Carson opened up and talked about Shawn’s death. Watching Carson at graduation, Sarah felt a sense of freedom in recognizing Carson’s growth, skills, and awareness; Carson was joyful and living their life fully.

“Worst club ever. Welcome.” is how Sarah greets her grieving dead-spouse/partner acquaintances. The trauma club is the worst club to be in. However, many gifts come from trauma. From trauma came compassion, insight, and resilience. Sarah’s learned how to ask for and receive help. She’s discovered her strength, courage, self-compassion. 

The women who lost and grieved before her and were willing to share their stories were (and are) Sarah’s inspiration. Not only were they a source of valuable information, Sarah saw these women thriving, living full lives filled with joy, kindness, and self-compassion. These women represented possibility. Seeing someone else down this not-asked-for path, gave Sarah hope.

Resources

Grief group counseling Contra Costa County Crisis Center 

Widow/Widower social support Soaring Spirits 

Financial advisor Ryan Baker

Comedy: W. Kamau Bell, Jimmy Gaffigan, Fortune Fiemster, Mike Birbiglia

Brené Brown 

Podcasts:Terrible, Thanks for Askingand Unexpected Launch

Jodie and Erik had been married twenty years and had two beautiful children. Life felt pretty typical. However, knowing that the news of his infidelity would be breaking on the 5:00 news, Erik admitted his affair with a co-worker to Jodie. Jodie’s heart raced, she couldn’t breathe, she lost sense of truth. She no longer knew who she was married to for never once did Jodie think Erik capable of having an affair. Knowing their most private, painful moments were to be broadcast, Jodie and Erik knew they had to prepare their 13- and 15-year old children. It was excruciating; their children were blindsided, and their world was forever changed.

Being thrust into the public spotlight was surreal. It was inescapable; news of Erik’s affair flooded the TV, internet, radio, newspapers, social media. Jodie’s course forward was altered by Eric’s public outing. Others were telling their story poorly, inaccurately, and one-sided. Though embarrassing and painful, this was Jodie’s blessing. It forced Jodie to tell their story, their truth. And this began to set Jodie and Erik free.

There was never a doubt that Jodie would stay with Erik. Although she initially felt weak for this choice, she came to see how courageous and strong she was for trying to save her marriage. Her family. Learning to forgive the unthinkable and recovering from infidelity require strength, courage, and hope. No-one journeying through infidelity – whether they choose to stay or not – is weak.

While Jodie isn’t certain that she can trust Erik again, she trusts her ability to endure anything life gives her. Trust in yourself begins with hindsight, learning to listen to your intuition. Living through moments that you think are not survivable. Learning to use our trauma for good. Jodie has immense hope in Erik. That he won’t be unfaithful again. And right now, hope is enough for Jodie.

Raised without a father, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Jodie is no stranger to adversity. Jodie’s strength comes from God. She knew her path forward was through love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy.  About a year into couple’s counseling, Jodie felt stuck. Focused on healing her marriage, Jodie wasn’t healing herself. After reading “Love Warrior” by Glennon Doyle, something clicked; she became inspired forward by hearing her story echoed in someone else’s. Jodie began to write, to share her story. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who specializes in infidelity, was another source of inspiration and momentum.

Jodie’s first published post felt exhilarating. Right. True. Necessary. Erik has been supportive of Jodie’s writing from the beginning, encouraging her to write. To share. To express herself openly and honestly. Writing has been the vehicle to release her story and her pain.

“We are not our mistakes; we are what we do after.”

Jodie and Erik love without reason, without conditions. They give each other their first and their best every day. Jodie and Erik have worked hard – on themselves, their marriage, their family.

“We are a stronger family because of my husband’s infidelity not in spite of it.”

Resources

Utter Imperfection

TedTalk: Moving Forward

Dear Sugars by Cheryl Strayed

Marriage and Martinis Podcast

A typical Christian family, Susan and Rob raised their five children in the Evangelical Church. Then, two of their daughters, Annie and Hannah, came out causing Susan and Rob to rethink life, primarily their relationship with religion.

When Annie was twenty, she called Susan; their conversation was lifechanging. Annie was struggling with a same sex attraction towards women. She had prayed about it, resisted it. Yet her feelings persisted. Despite feeling terrified of rejection, Annie came out to Susan. Touched that Annie shared the most intimate part of herself, Susan was grateful for their closeness and the gift of Annie’s truth. Yet, Susan was afraid. For Annie. Their family. She wondered “What now? What does this mean?”

Susan shared Annie’s coming out with her friends and her bible study. Their reaction? “It’s a sin and you can’t accept it.” Shocked and disheartened by their reaction, Susan struggled to understand how a parent could reject their child in their moment of need. Susan and Rob withdrew from their church and moved to a new community. Never once did they consider withdrawing from Annie.

Susan and Rob re-examined their relationship with religion, church, faith, and God. Susan began researching, reading everything she could find, watching videos, and relying on her faith. Not finding what she was looking for, she created the resources she needed. Because so many parents reject their LGBTQ children (primarily out of fear), Susan wrote, “Mom, I’m Gay.”

“Love is the foundation. Always press into love.”

Love of family and God paved the way for Susan and Rob to found their nonprofit, Freedhearts. They created community to unconditionally love and affirm, to connect individuals to loving and embracing community, and to share resources. Their greatest vision is that no one is left alone and unloved. What Brené Brown did for shame and vulnerability, Susan works to do for love and inclusion. Everyone deserves love and inclusion—simply because they are human.

“My heart longs to set people free.”

Two years after Annie came out, Susan’s daughter Hannah said, “I think I’m like Annie. I think I’m gay too.” “No, you can’t be,” was Susan’s first response. Thinking – in that moment – that if two of her children were gay, it was something Susan and Rob did. But they quickly realized that is not true, and they moved forward in continued love and inclusion.

She says to parents who may be struggling after their child has come out, look for the love. Find the love in yourself. Love means to embrace, accept, and be with someone along the journey. Love will overpower the fear. Go have coffee with your child and talk about your lives, not their orientation or identity. That child coming out is facing more than we could imagine.

LGBTQ children want their parents to know “It’s just me. I’m the person you cuddled when I was little, that you sang songs to. I’m that same person. I’m good-hearted, loving, and kind.”

Susan’s strength throughout her journey is rooted in loving herself, her family, and God. We are all filled with love, beauty, and wisdom. Susan has laid aside judgment and instead discovered a depth of love, compassion, tenderness she didn’t know was possible. She sees and loves people as they are.

Resources

TedTalk: Susan shares choosing her daughter over the church

Freedhearts

PFLAG

Three years ago, Gill, a father of four, was diagnosed with a golf-ball sized, grade 4 glioblastoma (GBM), an aggressive, incurable brain cancer with a dire prognosis. Gill has undergone surgery, radiation, 95 rounds of chemotherapy, and wears 36 ceramic electrodes on his head to disrupt cancer cell growth. He’s just celebrated his 28-month “canniversary”. 

Upon hearing he likely had GBM, Gill did some internet research; the statistics – that approximately 50% of those with GBM die within 15 months – were not reassuring.  He feared he would not be able to watch his children get married and that he would miss out on loving and hugging his future grandchildren. 

At the time of his diagnosis, Gill’s children ranged in ages from 8 to 21. Gill tailored the details he shared according to their ages. Knowing they had access to information on the internet, Gill was more forthcoming with his older children. His message centered on peace and optimism. 

Gill’s deep faith and trust in God provided him the strength to continue undergoing intensive treatment. Awaking with the knowledge that he has an incurable disease, Gill begins each day by giving thanks for another day and all of the blessings and gifts in his life. Whether the sight of a beautiful bird, a conversation with a stranger, Gill takes nothing for granted.

Early in his cancer journey, Gill was 1 of 150 Americans selected attend a week-long pilgrimage to a holy site in France. It was a beautiful and healing experience.

Despite aggressive treatment, residual tumor remains in Gill’s brain. Gill refers to his tumor a “squatter, he’s hanging out, not paying rent and not causing any problems.” This squatter is the source of much beauty and many gifts in Gill’s life.

For those facing a GBM diagnosis, Gill suggests they focus on what they can control. Worry only adds angst and stress can adversely impact health. To caregivers, Gill emphasizes that love, positivity, and support are critical. Pity can be destructive to a patient’s hope and optimism.

Gill, his parents, and sisters have met – face-to-face and virtually – hundreds of individuals around the globe who have become Gill’s Prayer Warriors. Their prayers are powerful; Gill feels blessed and rich to have this army behind him. In addition to his deep faith, Gill draws inspiration from his parents, his sisters, his friends, and complete strangers. Gill enjoys talking with and inspiring others through the sharing of his cancer journey.

Watching his journey unfold before his eyes is beautiful and has reignited Gill’s faith in humanity. “Most people deep down are loving, caring and supportive.”

Gill’s greatest hope is to live a long life and to have the opportunity to love and hug his future grandchildren. He hopes for more time to experience the beautiful love he’s received and to inspire as many as he can along the way.

Resources

Optune: GBM Device

Gill’s Caring Bridge Site

Learn More About GBM

April fell in love with Billy when she was 16 and they married three years later. Just two months into their marriage, April discovered she was pregnant. April had big plans: she was going to earn her doctorate, conduct research, move to a big city. Being pregnant was not part of this plan. Although initially scared and angry, April would quickly come to realize the gift this baby boy Tyler was to be.

Before Tyler’s second birthday, an aggressive cancerous tumor was discovered in his foot. April and Billy were faced with the agonizing decision of choosing the best course of therapy. April and Billy elected to proceed with a below-the-knee amputation. At just 22 years of age, this decision and process were overwhelming for April and Billy. Not only were they navigating a serious cancer diagnosis, April and Billy realized they needed to learn to care for a child with a disability.

April and Billy sought out resources and opportunities for Tyler to ensure he had the support he needed to continue to heal. Tyler's first meeting with other children with disabilities was life-changing. However, though she recognized Tyler’s need for support, April didn’t see her own need.

Initially, April didn’t appreciate the value of leaning on others, and she allowed her pain to isolate her. April advises those going through a challenging time to allow others to encourage and support you. It was the smallest gestures of kindness – a note, a meal, a cap for a bald head – that strengthened April.

Prior to his amputation, April asked Tyler if he’d like to run down the hospital hallway one last time. What did April feel watching Tyler run down the hall for the last time on his own two legs? Defeat. She felt like she was saying goodbye to a sense of normalcy and that with amputation, they were taking from Tyler his innocence and those things he loved about life. Tyler is now a healthy, cancer-free, 18-year old, and he wouldn’t change a thing in his life. He feels that he is the person he is because ofhis cancer and disability. He possesses resilience, a unique perspective, a strong sense of purpose, and meaningful relationships not otherwise possible. Although some things in life can be more challenging for Tyler, he views this as a small sacrifice for what he’s gained.

April has gone from feeling defeat to amazement at how far Tyler has come. With tears in her eyes, April watched Tyler cross the finish line of a 10-mile hill run in a triathlon for the Challenged Athletes Foundation. He completed his first para-triathlon last summer and competed in Ireland for the USA IWAS team in track and field where he brought home 3 bronze medals. 

Tyler boldly lives his life with purpose. He competes, volunteers, mentors, uplifts, and encourages. He’s driven by the memory of his friends who lost their lives to cancer; he takes his life opportunity seriously. He knows life is a gift, and he strives to make the most impact he can.

April recently published her first book, No Mess, No Message. Her biggest dream is that people will find hope and recognize that whatever stage of their journey they are in, the situation will change their lives for the better.

The biggest gift of their journey has been gaining perspective, truly knowing people on a deeper level. April acknowledges that it’s humbling being with people who have stories to tell. With Tyler’s cancer and disability, she knows first-hand how valuable life is and how important it is to avoid getting caught up in the small stuff.

Resources

Drifted Drum Company

An Unexpected Launch

Cindy is a mother, a wife, a friend, a writer, and a daughter. Cindy was “just your average kid”. She has wonderful memories of her childhood, including Sunday night dinners with her family, playing barbies and kickball in the cul-de-sac, doing chores, and participating in sports.

Although typical in many ways, Cindy’s childhood was scarred by sexual abuse at the hands of her father. He began abusing Cindy when she was just five years old. Manipulative and controlling, Cindy’s father prevented her from talking about the abuse by threatening to harm her mom and sister. Cindy kept quiet. Initially.

With time, Cindy started to find her voice. “No more, ” she said. Her father's response? Physical and emotional abuse. Although she tried rebelling, this young girl was unable to make the abuse stop. Eventually Cindy became numb. She longer feared her father. Although she wanted to say something, Cindy was terrified that her mom and sister would be harmed.

When Cindy was ten years old, she found the courage to fight back against the physical abuse. Standing up to the physical abuse, the sexual abuse stopped as well. Likely, a contributing factor was that Cindy was going through puberty. Her father was only attracted to prepubescent children.

Abuse taught Cindy about hiding, shame, fear, secrecy, and sex. It wasn’t until later in life that Cindy began to appreciate the adverse impact the sexual, verbal and physical abuse exacted.

Sexual abuse harmed her self-esteem, silenced her voice, and made her cautious. It impacted how she raised her four children. The sexual abuse impacted her intimacy with her husband. 

Wanting to live her healthiest life, Cindy sought therapy at the age of 19 and began the most crucial part of her healing. It was incredibly painful, hard work, and a long process. Most helpful were trauma therapists.

A few years ago, Cindy shared her story of abuse with a group of women. Their responses, from shock, to compassion, to anger, and to disbelief, compelled Cindy to write her memoir, Under the Orange Blossoms.

She wanted to break the cycle of silence and knew other victims would benefit from hearing her story. During the process of writing her memoir, Cindy was re-traumatized as she recounted the details. No matter how painful it was to recall and relive those memories, she pushed forward thinking “I am doing this for me and someone else, and hopefully this makes a difference.” 

Family, her husband, her children, and friends were Cindy’s strength as she continued the healing process. Inspiration came in many forms: surrounding herself with people who feel like sunshine, finding her tribe, mantras, nature, exercise, and reading stories of others who have been through adversity. Cindy meditates daily and gives thanks, focusing on the beauty present in her life.

Cindy is most proud of finding her voice. The voice that was trapped inside of that little girl. After being programmed to be silent and master secrecy, it was counterintuitive for Cindy to start talking. Brutally shy and not wanting to be seen, her mantra as a young girl was, “Be the wallpaper.” Cindy is proud that little girl is finding her voice.

We try to shake it off by ignoring it. There’s no secret formula to releasing pain and anger, but letting go is freeing. When Cindy found the words to rewrite her script, it changed her outcome. It took a long time, but it was the beginning of her healing process.

Resources

Cindy Talks

Unexpected Launch

Luanne and Matt met at a small Christian college in Indiana trying out for a music ensemble. As their friendship deepened, with shared values and interests, they fell in love. Luanne and Matt married and have four children. A true team, Luanne and Matt created a close and loving family. It was the family Luanne had dreamed of.

Nine years into their marriage, Matt could no longer hide his same-sex attraction and admitted it along with a brief affair and a porn addiction. Committed to their faith and their marriage, Luanne and Matt, who was a full-time worship pastor at a large Evangelical church in the San Francisco Bay Area, turned to reparative therapyin the hopes Matt could be “healed” and overcome his same-sex attraction. It became clear therapy wasn’t going to be successful, and Matt identified as a gay man.

Luanne and Matt remained married. They both wanted to keep their family intact, and despite all of the hurt, there was much good. Luanne loved their relationship, their family; she didn’t want to walk away.

After 23 years, Matt decided to end their marriage. Coming out as gay and intending to divorce Luanne, Matt had to resign his position in the church. The congregation was notified, and overnight, their private story became a very public one. Having their lives in the spotlight was challenging, but Luanne was relieved to no longer have to bear the weight of their secret.

Wanting to have an authentic relationship with his children, Matt revealed his truth to all four of them at different times in the months leading up to his public coming out. It wasn’t that Matt is gay that was hard for them to accept, but that Luanne and Matt were getting divorced. Luanne’s advice for others is to choose friendship and hope as their guiding forces. “It’s not the end of your family.”

The first few months after Matt left their marriage were challenging. Luanne poured herself into creating her own life and life-giving experiences. Their children have been Luanne’s strength and inspiration throughout this journey. Some days it was a struggle, but in her desire to be a mom, she was motivated each day to love and guide their children.

Luanne connected with other women in similar situations for encouragement and support. They called their group text message “Life Support.” Although in different stages, they were all moms who either were or had been married to gay men. It was lifesaving to reach out to someone who understood and could share their wisdom. Counseling was helpful to process her experience and emotions.

Losing her community of friends has been the most difficult aspect of this journey. Loneliness and missing a partner in life is challenging. Accepting that she’s in this place, a place she does not want to be, has been difficult. The biggest gift? Finding joy. For many years, Luanne walked through life with a heaviness. In carrying this secret, she lost herself and experienced sadness and discontent. Now, living free from the secret has paved the way to authentic joy.

In their Tedx Talk, Luanne and Matt commit to choosing truth, hope, gratitude, and friendship. Luanne’s greatest hope is that they continue to move in a positive direction as they face their new normal, The New Nightingales. She’s hopeful their family can continue to have a healthy outcome from this shift in their lives.

Luanne wants others to know that healing is possible, and there is life on the other side. In reflecting on her journey, she knows the best is yet to come.

Resources

An Unexpected Launch Stories of ordinary people navigating extraordinary circumstances

COLAGE for those with an LGBTQIA+ parent/caregiver