An Unexpected Launch

The last thing Aidan remembers of December 4, 2015 was getting into a friend’s car for a sleepover. He doesn’t recall their car reaching speeds of 80 mph in a residential area. That the driver, who was under the influence, lost control of the car. That they hit a brick wall. Head on.

Aidan was not wearing a seatbelt and his head first dented the dashboard and then shattered the windshield. Found unconscious, he was rushed to the trauma center. His diagnosis? Diffuse axonal injury; severe traumatic brain injury. His prognosis? Grim.

Aidan warns teens against the dangers of drinking and driving. Teens don’t believe such a catastrophic accident is possible; they are, after all, testing their limits. His biggest piece of advice is to always protect yourself and your friends. 

Despite being told he wouldn’t attend school until the following September, Aidan went to school the day after he was discharged from inpatient rehabilitation. Aidan simply wanted to be an ordinary teen. His mindset was “I’m going to get better. I truly believe that this will not hold me back in life.” Although his injury continues to impact his daily life, he wanted to push the limits and test his abilities.

Returning to school was challenging. He was treated differently and felt like an outsider, even around life-long friends. Not to mention, he was simply exhausted. Able to maintain concentration for only 15 minutes at a time, effective learning and completing homework were impossible. What is it like to be a 16-year-old boy recovering from a brain injury? “It’s tough. There’s no doubt about that.” 

Aidan was afraid of almost everything. He feared living with this brain injury for the rest of his life and being unable to pursue his dreams. That his future was so unknown was terrifying. Aidan questioned everything that he did. Aidan experienced severe, uncontrollable anger for months following the crash hurting those who loved him the most and resulting in the loss of friendships. Yet another loss as a result of his injury.

Afraid to return to his high school for senior year, Aidan finished high school in Viterbo, Italy. Aidan was seeking his own path forward, looking for a way to diminish the stress of feeling like an outsider. The change in culture was an amazing, life-changing experience. It opened Aidan’s mind to the larger world awaiting him. The experience was instrumental to his recovery.

Upon his return from Italy, Aidan’s applied to and was accepted at ICON Collective, a year-long music production academy. 

Aidan struggles with depression and considered suicide on a number of occasions. Knowing that tomorrow is another day kept Aidan moving forward. At every turn, he reflected on accepting change and seeking opportunity. Realizing that life can change in an instant – for the better – was reassuring. He stayed true to himself, kept pushing forward and accepted that he will feel sad. He acknowledged that mental healing takes time and effort.

Aidan’s dad came out as gay two months before the car accident. Aidan struggled with knowing this would change his life, day to day, how he lived, and how he viewed the world. Aidan was angry with the world, angry with having to deal with his brain injury, having to move, and the inevitable change in his life. Aidan loves his dad deeply yet admits taking out some of his anger on him.

He aims to reach as many as he can in the hopes that his experiences help transform their life for the better. He hopes people can come out of their shells and show who they really are and push for greatness. “Every single human can achieve greatness – whether they have a brain injury, learning disability, or a challenging situation. You can turn anything into gold.”

Resources

An Unexpected Launch

Bella, the President and Founder of Alexander’s Hope, has a long-standing history of non-profit work and volunteering. At the age of 12, she traveled to Uganda where her heart was opened to non-profit work. She saw the world through a new lens and was inspired by the people she met who were not brought down, but rather up, by their life circumstances.

Bella’s younger brother, Alexander, is the kindest person she knows. In 2017, the lives of the Chaffey family were forever changed. At the age of 19, Alexander began experiencing chest pain that was attributed to panic attacks. For several months, he worked to alleviate his “anxiety” yet experienced another “panic attack”. That summer, the family vacationed to Arches National Park. Half-way through their descent down, Alexander experienced intense chest pain and was unable to continue hiking. Bella and her sister, Sophia, ran in search of a park ranger. Alexander was carried out of the park on a stretcher; believing that this was another panic attack, the Chaffey’s finished out their vacation.

Knowing Alexander was suffering something beyond panic attacks, his mom pursued additional evaluation. Alexander was immediately referred to medical imaging and was ultimately taken by ambulance to UW Medical Center where he was diagnosed with a bicuspid aortic valve and was in dire need of a heart valve replacement. Too weak for surgery, Alexander was taken for a coronary angiogram. During the scan, his heart stopped, and he was resuscitated. Ultimately, Alexander received a heart valve replacement and was placed on ECMO. Within one week, doctors concluded that Alexander needed a heart transplant. His heart was removed, he received an artificial heart and was placed on the transplant list. Miraculously, within eight days, a donor heart was found for Alexander.

The mission of Alexander’s Hope is to spread awareness of organ donation and to alleviate misconceptions. They are working with the state of Washington to update Driver’s Ed videos discussing organ donation, targeting youth when applying for their driver’s license. Alexander’s Hope partners with Nick of Time, an organization that provides EKGs to high schools to test for undiagnosed heart conditions and teaches CPR and AED operation. Bella’s ultimate dream for Alexander’s Hope is a truck or physical space to enable screenings and to extend the reach internationally. 

To the approximately fifty-percent of Americans who are not organ donors, Bella would like to clear up misconceptions, share Alexander’s story - and those like him - whose lives were saved by the gift of an organ donation, and stories of those who did not receive an organ. On average, 21 people die daily waiting for an organ. One donor can transform the lives of 75 people.

Resources

Alexander’s Hope

Donate Life 

Nick of Time

Organ Donor

United Network for Organ Sharing

Being one of eight daughters, raising two little girls was comfortable for Marie. Her youngest, Erin, wasn't a girly-girl. Although Marie didn't think too much about it at the time, Erin wasn't interested in dolls or dress-up and gravitated towards Legos and puzzles. She resisted her older sister's tween hand-me-downs, the shirts a bit tighter, the shorts a little shorter.

After a family gathering with her niece who had come out as a transgender female, Marie spoke with Erin, sharing that there are many ways to be in the world and opened the door to questions or conversation. Two months later, Erin emailed Marie, coming out as a transgender male, Coden. Reading the email, Marie was surprised at how much thought went into Coden’s decision. Although uncomfortable when referred to as “she” or “Erin”, Coden reassured Marie that he had not suffered or felt burdened by being a transgender male.

Marie emailed back, 

Their oldest daughter, Molly, already knew. That night, their family continued on as normal. While the pronouns and names changed, Coden was the same person who had left for school that morning. 

Inspired by a bear cub, Coda, Coden selected his name. Marie loves this unique name because Coden is a unique kid. That society as a whole isn’t welcoming to individuals seen as “other” is Marie’s greatest fear for Coden. Although the West Coast is liberal and accepting, Marie fears that as Coden ventures out, he will meet people who won’t see him for who he is. 

To support Coden, Marie sought a counselor and took time off of work. Her counselor was a safe harbor to ask questions, share her fears, to be taken care of. A physician expert in transgender health and development has been an invaluable resource. Coming out at thirteen, Coden was able to take medication to pause puberty. This allowed time to ask questions, explore options, and ultimately decide to initiate transition hormones allowing Coden the opportunity to go through puberty around the same time as his peers. Parents can best support siblings and other family members by being open and willing to talk. Avoid keeping secrets throughout the process. 

Love, listen, and be willing to share, Marie advises parents of a transgender child. Become educated. Follow your child’s lead. Coden didn’t change; he remains the artistic, compassionate person he always has been. Help others see that this is normal; there are countless ways to “be.” After he came out, Marie noticed an ease and a comfort in self in Coden.

Her family has been Marie’s source of strength and inspiration. Friends, teachers, and the school district have been important sources of support. A gift of her journey is the awareness that she placed people in boxes; you are “this or that”. Kids see others with 3-D glasses and care less about the boxes. Life is a broad spectrum filled with endless possibilities, not an either/or. 

Marie hopes that we all have the ability to see people for who they want to be seen as. She hopes to see this awareness spread beyond liberal pockets and that leaders in government, sports, and entertainment can be free to be themselves. 

Marie’s children fill her with pride. Coden's coming out story involves a persuasive speech delivered to his English class at the age of thirteen, one month after his email to Marie. Parents shouldn’t raise children as a particular gender, he said. They could get it wrong, making it harder for a child to say who he/she is when they are ready to do so. He proudly concluded, “I am transgender, and my name is Coden.” His self-awareness, courage, and confidence blow Marie away.

Within 6 months of dating, Todd fell in love with Lisa’s beauty, intellect, and shared interests. They married, have two beautiful children and enjoyed life in the San Francisco Bay Area. Raising their children, spending time together, and traveling are cherished memories. 

Todd never suspected Lisa is lesbian. In hindsight, he realizes that there were signs. A few years prior to her coming out, Lisa was unsettled, unhappy. In search of herself, she trekked to Asia. Lisa confided in Todd. She was in love with another woman, someone they had known since college. Todd felt shocked and wondered “What will happen now? What does this mean? Where do I fit in?” He likens his reaction to walking along. Not paying attention. Approaching the edge of a cliff. And stepping off. Going off of the edge, having no control. Wondering what does the rest of my life look like? Todd experienced stress, loneliness, panic, and fear…even now, a decade later, it remains difficult to relive these memories. 

After she came out, Todd and Lisa remained together for eight years. Todd wanted to remain together as a family, to fulfill his dream of being married, having kids, growing old together. They sought assistance from a therapist to help navigate their mixed-orientation marriage. With limited experience, their therapist shared a few resources that provided little guidance. 

Over time, Todd sensed Lisa was unhappy and supported her in an exploration relationship. Although this worked initially and they maintained an open dialogue, Todd suffered panic attacks; afraid of losing the life that he knew. His future was unknown, and he could not imagine beyond the moment. About five years later, Lisa’s relationship with her exploration partner ended, and Todd and Lisa’s relationship became strained. When Lisa met another woman in a support group, Todd realized that remaining in the marriage was no longer feasible.

The first few months following their separation were challenging. Todd and Lisa told their children they were separating; their children already knew Lisa is lesbian. Mourning the loss of their 25-year relationship, they were uncertain how to uncouple their lives and to minimize the impact on their children. This period was marked by loneliness and uncertainty. Seeking the freedom to choose his next path, Todd moved out of their family home into an apartment.

During this painful period, Todd leaned on and found support in friends and family, including Lisa’s family. Throughout this experience, Todd has developed a close relationship with his father-in-law, a gift for which he is thankful.

Another gift was learning to fly, a passion shared by his grandfather and something Lisa supported. Todd could leave the earth, control where the plane was going. This sense of control was powerful, "it was my Prozac."It gave him joy during an uncertain, unsettled time. Todd is also grateful for becoming closer with his children, enjoying close communication.

Lisa struggled to come out and to discover her identity. Similarly, Todd needed to discover his identity. He urges to stay true to yourself. Be supportive, kind, respectful, and loving to your spouse as their journey is difficult as well.

Todd’s greatest hope is happiness for everyone. To begin a new life, Todd moved across the country. He’s found a great support network, close friends, and a new job. He hopes to continue to grow and learn more about himself. He’s proud of his journey, his growth, and discovering who he is and what brings him joy. It’s liberating and exciting. 

An Unexpected Launch Courageous stories from those forging the way

Mike has known Janine since the eighth grade. On one of their early dates, they were so immersed in their conversation, they didn’t realize they closed down the restaurant. Chairs on the tables, floor being mopped, they were asked to leave. In that moment, Mike knew he was in love. Janine fit perfectly into Mike’s large, gregarious, boisterous family. An ‘aha’ moment for Mike… “this girl is cool!”

Mike and Janine had a solid, loving, fun marriage. They grew up together and their relationship, and subsequently a family, grew with them. Family was their priority. Although he didn’t fully recognize or accept it, Mike’s sexuality has always included an attraction to men. Their marriage defined by trust, Mike knew he needed to share these feelings with Janine. Unable to hold it in any longer, he overcame his guilt, shame, fear, feelings of isolation, and he confided in Janine.

Mike fought accepting he is gay; with Janine’s support, he spent two years exploring his sexuality. Mike stopped sleeping, became anxious, panicky, spent days screaming at the top of his lungs inside of his head. It was scary and there was no escape. Knowing something had shifted, Mike finally realized this wasn’t a choice he was making. This is who he is. 

"I'm gay," Mike blurted out at the breakfast table moments before their daughter's book club was arriving.

No preparation, the words tumbled out. The truth spoken from his head, heart, and stomach, a weight was immediately lifted off of Mike. Juxtaposed with the look on Janine’s face as the rug was pulled from underneath her. The following weeks and months were carefully navigated. Their children and keeping life as normal as possible were their priority. Mike found an apartment close to their family home. 

Mike found few resources that resonated with him. He found support at Gay Father’s of Toronto; however, Mike felt in limbo. His greatest sources of support were Janine, his exploration (and current) partner, and a therapist.

The most challenging aspect of Mike’s journey has been finding himself. He’s a gay man and a dad, a friend, someone living a “straight” lifestyle. He lives a family-centric life. Mike acknowledges that it is going to take time to fully embrace is identity as a gay man. He doesn’t see this as a challenge, just the next phase in his journey.

The biggest gift of Mike’s journey? Feeling the power of love; realizing that love and family can take any shape or form. Mike and Janine call their “less conventional family” the “new normal.” Seeing their children embrace this experience has been a gift. 

Mike advises gay spouses to seek out platforms - like An Unexpected Launch- and to know that while you feel alone, you are not. Mike recommends letting your spouse in; you can’t do this alone. Mike realized his coming out was inevitable; he could not have endured burying these feelings and his truth.

Mike’s greatest hope is that his family continues to thrive, grow, and carry on what they’ve started. That they continue to embrace who they are, realizing there is so much love and that they are all ok. Mike also hopes all in our situation find peace, new hope, and happiness.

Sally met a rugby player at a bar. She fell in love with this rugby player –  also a firefighter – when she witnessed his compassion at the scene of an accident. They married and have two incredible boys. Sally and her husband were true partners in raising their boys; their lives were filled with joy and quality family time.

Her husband began having panic attacks, shut down, and ceased communicating. Unsure of how to navigate her marriage, and because she didn’t want it to be over, Sally stayed for another 8 years “before it all blew up.” Although she wishes she would have opened the lines of communication at the earliest hunches of her husband’s sexuality, Sally is thankful for the years they were together as a family. 

Upon learning her husband was gay, Sally felt completely untethered and doubted everything she knew to be true in her life. When their boys were 10 and 13 years old, her husband moved out. Several months later he told them he was gay. This was a confusing and chaotic period complicated by his addiction and alcohol. 

Initially Sally didn’t know how to guide her children, herself, and her husband through this uncharted territory. As she began hearing stories like hers, she realized that she would “get through this.” Resources critical to her healing were walking her dog, Starbucks smoothies, journaling, reading, talking with close friends, counseling, and a mentor who was a PFLAG President.

Discovering her strength and confidence and being able to support others have been the biggest gifts of Sally’s journey. The depth of conversations when sharing life experiences has enriched her life. She’s inspired by freedom, friends, travel, and learning to live in the moment, unafraid, and on her terms.

Sally’s greatest hopes? That her children live lives filled with love and confidence in themselves. That she creates a life filled with love, joy, and honesty. Sally hopes people in similar situations hear our stories and feel reassured that with vulnerability, honesty, and hard work, they will get through it and come out stronger than ever. 

Thank you for listening! May our stories help forge your path forward. I hope you’ll stay tuned for our next episode and in the meantime, please visit An Unexpected Launch to learn more.

Resources:

https://pflag.orgPFLAG has been saving lives, strengthening families, changing hearts, minds and laws since 1972. Our family and ally voice is integral to advancing equality.

https://melodybeattie.comMelody Beattie is one of America’s most beloved self-help authors and a household name in addiction and recovery circles. 

Janine and Mike met in junior high. After admitting her crush on him, they began dating in university and fell in love, married, and had three beautiful children. They were partners. Unbreakable. With trust and respect, they navigated good times and bad with humor and friendship.

Two years before coming out as gay, Mike admitted he was attracted to men. Yet he reassured Janine that she was the love of his life. Feeling she had nothing to lose, Janine supported Mike during his exploration. 

However, one Saturday morning, 15 minutes before ten nine-year olds were to arrive for book club, Mike stated “I’m gay.” In that moment, Janine felt numb. She knew it was the beginning of their end. Janine feared telling their children, family and friends. Would she ever find a love like theirs again, Janine wondered? Knowing that Mike had developed feelings for someone else was heartbreaking. Janine experienced loneliness; she was picking up the pieces of her life while Mike was starting his “new and exciting gay life.”

Janine and Mike’s strong foundation and friendship allowed them to talk openly with their children, share Mike’s discovery that he is gay, and witness Janine’s support of his journey. They remained close, setting up and sharing an apartment, allowing their children to stay in their home during the first few critical months of transition. 

When the relationship with Mike’s exploration partner temporarily came to an end, Janine helped Mike draft his dating profile. Over a bottle of wine, they discussed what characteristics would be important for Mike and their family. Fast forward, Janine and her new partner, and Mike and his original exploration partner are close friends, together they parent and celebrate milestones.

The biggest gifts of Janine’s journey have been her self-discovery, the people that she has met, and the realization that mixed-orientation marriages and sexuality need to be talked about. Janine wishes that there would have been more resources available when Mike came out. Most importantly, she wants people to know that their journey is unique and to celebrate their own path forward.

Tune into Episode 5 for Mike's story.

Seeking additional information or have a story to share? Please visit us at An Unexpected Launch.

Resources

How helping my husband discover he's gay helped me let go

From coming out to partners in parenting: Ex-spouses on their do-over

After 21 years of marriage, I helped my husband come out as gay

My oldest son Ethan was 18 years old and six weeks into college when his dad, Matt, came out. Now 22 and a college senior, Ethan is ready to tell his story in hopes that it will provide hope and guidance to parents and children.  

One of Ethan’s most confusing days was accidentally stumbling upon Matt’s separate email account and realizing that his dad might be gay. Worried “it would kill her”, Ethan didn't tell me and carried this secret for two years. Anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt settled in while Ethan pretended that life was A-Okay.

Shock; the immediate reaction to Matt’s simple acknowledgement “I’m gay.” Slowly Ethan began talking with friends; finding freedom and support in sharing.

Living 2,000 miles away from home, feeling alone, and confused, Ethan struggled. When his 16-year old brother was in a near-fatal accident and suffered a severe traumatic brain injury, it brought Ethan to a breaking point. Rock bottom – and a turning point – was the night that Ethan considered attempting suicide; he no longer knew who he was, what his family had become, and he simply didn’t want “to deal with it anymore.”

Wanting to be just like his dad – his hero – Ethan wondered “Am I gay?” A void in Ethan’s knowledge, he finally turned to a counselor who helped him realize his emotions, thoughts, and feeling were normal. Ethan discovered that he is not gay and wants others to feel supported in their own questioning and self-discovery.

Now, stronger than ever, Ethan has found meaning in the chaos. He’s discovered his own identity, is learning to be his best self and follow his heart, his passion and to live life for himself and not for others. 

Ethan’s advice for parents? It’s never easy; he encourages parents to share what they are thinking, what will happen next, and assure their children that their emotions are normal. Keep talking, address the “confusion that swirls in a child’s head.” Ethan urges children to find someone to speak with, to know what they are feeling is normal, and most importantly, this happens to others and – “you WILL get through it.”

Seeking additional information or have a story to share? Please visit us at An Unexpected Launch.

Resources

www.colage.org COLAGErs are people with one or more LGBTQIA+ parent or caregiver—they are skilled, self-confident, and just leaders in our collective communities. Our stories are important, and so is yours.

http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org 1-800-273-8255; available 24 hours everyday.

Welcome to the inaugural episode of An Unexpected Launch, hosted by Kirsten Duncan. Episode one is the beginning of My Story. After 24 years of marriage, my best friend and husband came out as gay. Just two months later, our 16-year old son was in a near-fatal car accident and suffered a severe traumatic brain injury. I traveled to the depths of grief and loss. Through inspiring stories of courage, grit, and resiliency, and with the love and support of my family and friends, I’ve navigated my way forward and created a new life. I witnessed first-hand the transformational power of stories, of being open and vulnerable with our darkest moments. I am ready to share our stories. 

We discuss mixed-orientation marriages, or those in which one spouse is straight and the other is gay. I knew nothing about such marriages until I found myself in one. 

As I searched for answers and stories like mine, I struggled to find resources that resonated with and inspired me. Certain others must feel the same way, I set out to create what I could not find. I am grateful to the women, men, and children who have shown their vulnerability, and with courageous voices share their beautifully complex families, their sources of inspiration, and grandest hopes. 

Join me as I talk with families in mixed-orientation marriages. We’ve refused to let loss and unexpected moments define us; we’ve used our challenges to propel us forward and to discover beautiful and unexpected gifts. May our stories help forge your path forward. 

Learn more about My Story on my blog https://anunexpectedlaunch.com