Arbitrary Dissonance

Freehold, Iowa - Landover Baptist Pastor Deacon Fred was hospitalized last Sunday after suffering a mild heart attack while preaching about Disney’s latest leftist propaganda film, Toy Story 4.  “Brothers and Sisters in Christ!” Pastor screamed from the pulpit. “There’s a lewd little demon in this movie named after Satan’s favorite utensil!  GOES BY THE NAME OF FORKY! This perverted imp has a tattoo on his foot!" Pastor exclaimed. "Well, we all know from Leviticus that God forbids tattoos! But what drives me into a demon stomping frenzy is that IT’S A RAINBOW TATTOO!”  

Circleville Texas - At this year’s Vacation Bible Gun Camp, Landover Baptist Youths will assemble cages for Mexican children as part of an outreach ministry to help homeless Mexican boys and girls on the border who have been separated from their parents.

“At first, we thought this whole border nonsense was fake news but we discovered through reliable hearsay that Mexican children are living in squalor down there,” says Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred. “When our youths found out about it, they wanted to do something to help out.”

On Sunday morning Pastor told church members, “As True Christians™, our children grow up learning that - like canines, Mexicans spend ninety-five percent of the day sleeping. For the short periods while awake, they take to pooping on the ground, rolling in their own feces or prancing about bare footed - looking for anything to put in a taco shell. Although Creation Scientists have proven beyond any doubt that Mexicans behave mostly like animals, that doesn't mean they can't be domesticated through the love of Christ,” Pastor said. “Even though the Bible condemns them, unfortunately, we are still called upon to bear witness by trying to help,” he continued. “Don’t ask me to figure it out - it’s the Lord’s logic. If it was up to me, I just as soon see their brown heads bobbing like buoys in the lake of fire.”

“We had a missionary in Mexico last year,” Pastor continued, “tells me he looked down to see one of them little Mexican kids sniffin’ up on his tally-whacker, barking gibberish, growling like a dog. Before he could whack him over the head with his Bible the boy pulled out his uncircumcised giblet and urinated all over his expensive pants,” Pastor said. “Things are getting worse down there even now, I think - especially for the helpless youngsters who are out from under the protection of their parents’ sombreros sleeping under the hot sun in chicken wire cages all day.”

“It was an epiphany when it clicked to connect our Bible Gun Camp kids with Cages for Christ. This annointed kenneling ministry already works closely with animals, providing church members with comfortable cages for their pets and Wiccan Hunters with holding kennels during Wicca Hunting Season,” says Pastor.

Cages for Christ will provide Landover Baptist youths with the materials needed to build cushioned cages, adhesive piddle pads, along with soap, Purell and scoopers to send along with our missionaries on their perilous soul-winning trip to the border in August. Materials sent with the cages should be enough to prevent most life threatening diseases for up to two weeks.

“We’re asking campers to clip photos of Mexican children out of National Geographic or just get a photo of a short haired monkey or something so they can pretend to adopt someone they are building a cage for,” says Bible Gun Camp Counselor, Horace Wilkins.

“These cages will be used as vessels to further God’s message!” Pastor assured church members on Sunday morning. “As True Christians™ we know there ain’t no such thing as free. This is a perfect opportunity to teach these rebellious little brown folks something about Jesus and what it means to be a real American,” he said. “So, we are including in each padded kennel, a 1611 KJV Bible in God’s English along with a package of self addressed stamped offering envelopes. Each Mexican child can show the Lord how much they really want to be an American by learning enough English to accept Christ as their Personal Savior and then to take that first step in their new faith by sending weekly financial love offerings to Landover Baptist Church. The financial blessings we receive through Cages for Christ will be used to purchase ammunition and firearms

Taylor Texas - Church members could hardly wait to grab their rifles last Sunday when Pastor announced that President Trump fulfilled yet another campaign promise to True Christian Americans™ by declaring open hunting season on endangered species.

To celebrate, church officials announced weekly hunting trips. “Ya’ll best get a move on and sign up for next weekend’s Endangered Species Blood Bath,” Pastor told churchgoers. “The trip will begin with a prayer for President Trump and then we’ll start killing. And we won’t stop our joyful slaughter until trees are dripping with blood and the forest floor is tarred and feathered in gooey grizzly guts and Ivory-Billed Woodpecker wings,” he exclaimed. “Praise the sweet name of Jesus and President Trump!”

Visiting Landover Baptist

You will want to make your reservations 2 years in advance for any service where head Pastor, Deacon Fred is preaching. (Please be patient, we are booked solid) Cost is $75.00 per person. Other services and guided tours can be arranged by calling the Landover Information line at: 1-900-976-7867. Reservations for church attendance and payments to hear the gospel of Christ can be arranged through a Christian extension of Priceline.com ticket sales (keyword: priceline.com - landover baptist church ticket sales)

We pray that God sends his Holy Spirit upon this Christian Nation and opens up the hearts of other Bible believing Christians so that they will adopt the same Bible-based policy that has kept our church strong for nearly 217 Godly years. For a list of common-sense reasons for keeping unsaved people out of your church click here.

About Us (God's Favorite Church):

We are a Bible believing, Fundamentalist, Independent Baptist Church. We are 157,286 members strong. Our Church Campus is located in Freehold, Iowa and rests on 35 acres of some of the most beautiful country you'd ever care to set your eyes upon. 

For over 47 years, Landover Baptist Associate Pastor, Brother Harry Hardwick has answered countless questions about the Word of God from poor lost souls in search of direction for their lives.  For the last 10-years, he has labored with the Lord Jesus to produce dozens of web based Bible Quizzes which have led thousands to Christ!  He served as a Scriptural Advisor to President George W. Bush for 8-years.  He can be heard taking a stand for God's Word on secular radio programs and television shows across America.  Brother Harry is also a coveted key-note speaker for numerous conventions, including the Southern Baptist Convention, and the American Atheists Convention!  He is known throughout the True Christian™ world as, "The Bible Answer Man."  To read Brother Harry's fascinating Biography