Art Creativity & Wellbeing

Today Robin Abrahams, author of the weekly Miss Conduct advice column in Boston Globe Magazine, returns for her second hangout on We Turned Out Okay! (Robin and I first spoke last fall, in episode 42, so click here or go to weturnedoutokay.com/042 to hear our first conversation together.)

In honor of Mother's Day Robin has a special article coming out in this Sunday's Globe Magazine, "A letter to moms from a woman without children;" in it she makes some very kind and wonderful promises to her friends with kids, such as "I will take the lead in scheduling social events, because you're managing more social calendars than I am." We start today's conversation talking about Robin's article – and then move on to her delightful book, Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners: Master the Slippery Rules of Modern Ethics and Etiquette.

In this guidebook for modern living – for getting along with other humans – is a tiny, wonderful few pages about breast-feeding in public; Robin and I talk about the perils of both breast-feeding and formula feeding in public, since both leave parents equally open to beratings from strangers! Robin shares great advice with us about how to deflect criticism, from strangers and friends and family.

Next, Robin answers some listener questions:

• Anne asks "I'm considering homeschooling my preschooler next year, and I'm getting major pushback from my husband's family. (My husband is on board, just not his parents and siblings.) They live nearby and we do see his parents a lot, how can I keep family relations positive in the event that we homeschool their grandson in the fall?"
• MJ, who is planning a family trip involving traveling in the same car with her estranged mother-in-law for ten days, asks "please help me with easy situation diffusers and ways I may not have thought about to keep this trip as conflict free as possible…"
• I wonder "what happens if you're at the playground and a parent scolds your child – for doing something perfectly within his rights, in your opinion?", a situation which I found myself in a few years ago.

Robin shares great advice for each of these situations, so you're sure of some great takeaways from our conversation!

Today's show is sponsored by Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics: Key Tools to Handle Every Temper Tantrum, Keep Your Cool, and Enjoy Life With Your Young Child, the book I wrote for you if you are the parent of young children!

It's getting some great reviews, including this one from Heidi de los Andes: "I really enjoyed this quick, clear and caring parenting book. Just like the author advocates in dealing with children, she couches her advice from a position of empathy. The book draws from the same general philosophy of instilling self-reliance as the Free Range Kids book by Lenore Skenazy… I also appreciated that it was a quick read (about an hour) and had lots of tricks and techniques you can start using right away."

It's available as an E-book in Amazon right now… To check out Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics click here or go to Amazon.com and search the name. I hope it helps you in your everyday parenting!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

"Wait a minute" – I hear you thinking – "aren't Your Child
Explained episodes a Thursday thing?"

You are absolutely right, ordinarily the Your Child Explained
airs on the Thursday after a guest episode. But this is an unusual
week because I'm interviewing the guest tomorrow, Wednesday, May 4,
so that you can get your questions to her and she can answer them
for Thursday's show…

Which you'll want to do, because returning champion Robin
Abrahams, whose weekly "Miss Conduct" column in the Boston Globe
Magazine answers etiquette questions with her own brand of
caring-yet- Seinfeld-ish, humor, is an expert in the rules that
allow us to all get along together.

Go to weturnedoutokay.com/contact to ask your toughest
questions about confusing social situations. Miss Conduct fields
thorny questions all the time and is a wonderful resource for you
if:

• while investigating homeschooling your young child, your
  mother-in-law informs you: "no grandchild of mine will ever
  homeschool"


• a friend chooses your daughter's first birthday party as the
  perfect venue to persuade everyone attending that her
  candidate in the upcoming national election is the best
  candidate


• you think a coworker might be pregnant, and you want to
  congratulate her, but you're not sure if she is or not; should you
  speak up?

In today's Your Child Explained episode – a precursor to my
conversation with Miss Conduct – we consider manners and etiquette
from the perspective of our young kids.

I share an embarrassing situation in which, at age four, one of
my boys "congratulated" an overweight pizza restaurant employee,
enthusiastically telling her "wow – you're really fat!"

Kids just don't have a filter, for better or for worse.

Everyone who hears my four-year-old gasps in astonishment. The
employee to whom my son directs his remark flushes; tears come to
her eyes.

What do I do at this moment?

Click here
or go to weturnedoutokay.com/072 to find out – and if you haven't
gotten it yet, click here or go to Amazon.com to download my e-book,
Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics: Key Tools to Handle Every
Temper Tantrum, Keep Your Cool, and Enjoy Life With Your Young
Child. It's finally launched and ready for you to start
learning the tools that will make every day as a parent calmer and
happier!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

Back in episode 68, we started this conversation about helping your child take one hundred percent responsibility for his actions.

In that episode we talked largely about mindset, and how our mindset influences our kids' behavior; I also shared my first parent ninja tactic in raising an honest, responsible child:
Consistency. Today I return to this first tactic, sharing about the brick foundation each of us carries around in our heads, the result of the many interactions we had going back to the day we were born. The more of these bricks that are laid straight and smooth, mortared with love, the better foundation we have as we grow. Keeping our actions consistent in dealing with our kids helps their foundations be the best they can be.

Today I introduce the second and third tactics involved in raising responsible children:
Following through – when you ask them to do something and they fail to do that, what actions do you take next? Or when they hurt the feelings of you or someone else, what can you say to help them learn to stop doing that?
Expectations – what we expect of our kids shapes their behavior. If we expect them to be manipulative, or sneaky; if we are suspicious of their actions, they will rise to those expectations.
On the other hand if we expect honesty and use consistency and follow-through to insist on our children's responsibility, they will turn out that way simply because we expect it. (I know – it does sound very woo-woo! But it's really true. Honest.)

During this episode I have a difficult time coming up with something mean that a child might say – precisely because Ben and I have always had the expectation "in our home, we share feelings, not insults" and Max and Jay have completely fulfilled our expectations! They disagree, of course; but they do not mistreat each other in their disagreements.
That's what happens when you combine consistency, follow-through, and expectations in raising honest, responsible kids :-)
I hope you enjoy this episode!

If you're listening to this the day comes out – Tuesday, April 26, 2016 – you are in luck because Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics (if all has gone well) is live in Amazon and still FREE today! I wrote this book for you, if you want to raise good kids while preserving your sanity as a parent. It's a whole toolbox of the most popular, most-downloaded episodes of We Turned Out Okay; these episodes get so many listens because they help you through the tough moments. With chapters that help you, for example, Make No Sound Like Yes. I hope this book helps you worry less and enjoy more with your young kids!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

Last night I was a featured storyteller at a live storytelling
event (thanks to massmouth
and Fugitive
Productions – what a great night at the Villageworks Gallery in
West Acton!)

I told about last June, when my family and I adopted the two
cutest dogs in the whole world, and what happened after
that.

Because a version of this story is included in Positive
Discipline Ninja Tactics – the book that launched just yesterday in
Amazon, and was written for you if you're trying to keep your
sanity intact AND raise a young child at the same time – I wanted
to share last night's live telling with you today.

Because today is a special day: Positive Discipline Ninja
Tactics is not just available for download in Amazon – it's free,
today through Wednesday, April 27!

I hope this book helps you have a better relationship with your
young children – and really enjoy life with them.

Click this link to go
directly to the book's page in Amazon, and then just click "Buy
now," and you're golden!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

In today's Your Child Explained episode, where we always try to see what's going on in our kids' minds, I share about a huge lie that my son Jason perpetrated last spring.

Like all kids, Jay loves his screen time, so much so that for several weeks in the spring of 2015 Jay snuck extra screen time – and lied about it to Ben and I.

For full show notes, click here or go to weturnedoutokay.com/070.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

As I get ready to publish Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics: Key Tools to Handle Every Temper Tantrum, Keep Your Cool, and Enjoy Life With Your Young Child, I'm bringing you a favorite conversation with the woman behind The Broad Experience Podcast, Ashley Milne-Tyte.

In this episode, which first aired last summer during We Turned Out Okay Summer Camp, Ashley shares how she spent her childhood in London, England – except her summers, which she spent in rural Pennsylvania. In both places Ashley enjoyed a measure of independence that kids rarely see today.

We also discuss the raising of successful and happy daughters, compelling for you, dear listener, even if you have only sons because the young sons and daughters of today will grow up into the workers and parents of tomorrow; they'll have to work together to make it a great future.

Enjoy this rebroadcast, and to get notified immediately when Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics goes live in Amazon – it will be FREE for the first three days – go to positivedisciplineninjatactics.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

Way back in episode two, my son Max's determination to learn snowboarding thrilled me. I bring it up because, in this most recent ski season, Max built on his true grit using Jack Canfield's book The Success Principles to take his snowboarding to the next level. This year, he rode in places that I'm sure he could never have envisioned – and he brought these possibilities about for himself by changing his mindset to one where he takes one hundred percent responsibility for his life.

"Sure, Karen, that's all well and good, he's fifteen," I hear you thinking. "What does that mean for my young child?"

I'm glad you asked! Today I draw a straight line from my fifteen-year-old to your young child, asking the question: how do we start helping our kids take one hundred percent responsibility for their actions?

Click here or go to weturnedoutokay.com/068 for full notes to this episode – also, if you haven't already, go to positivedisciplineninjatactics.com to get notified when Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, the book I'm just finishing up now for you, goes live in Amazon – it will be free for its first three days! The planned launch date is Sunday, April 24, we're getting really close now!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

Before I answer today's listener Q&A, I'm reaching out to Ruth, whose question I answered in episode 61 (listen at weturnedoutokay.com/061) – Ruth, thank you so much for your question, and I'm glad my response resonated with you! Would you please check your spam and/or promotion folders in your inbox? Somewhere in there are two emails that I've sent you, in response to the two that you sent me.

Also, a quick announcement – Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, the book I'm writing for you if you would like to keep your sanity while raising young children, is coming out on Sunday, April 24, 2016. For health reasons and to make it the best book it can possibly be, I chose to move the publication date from Sunday, April 3, to Sunday, April 24. To get notified the moment it launches – FREE in Amazon for its first three days! – go to positivedisciplineninjatactics.com.

Today, I answer Janice's question:

"I have an eight-year-old with Asperger's syndrome (high-functioning ASD) and a nearly six-year-old girl. They love each other heaps, but most of the time Mr. 8 doesn't want Miss 6 in the room. He says he needs quiet time.

I understand that he needs to unwind after school, but he does it all weekend long too. Any suggestions on how we can encourage him to be nicer to her. His ASD is mostly reflected in his social and emotional skills, which are quite low.

We are working on those.

He is happy to play with her on his terms and his time only.

Help! Thank you, Janice"

Go to weturnedoutokay.com/067 to read my response!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

A quick announcement – Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics, the book I'm writing for you if you would like to keep your sanity while raising young children, is coming out on Sunday, April 24, 2016. For health reasons and to make it the best book it can possibly be, I chose to move the publication date from Sunday, April 3, to Sunday, April 24. To get notified the moment it launches – FREE in Amazon for its first three days! – go to positivedisciplineninjatactics.com

Sometimes you meet someone, and just know that you'd love a really deep conversation with them; that was the case with today's guest, mom, portrait photographer, and facilitator at a self-directed learning institution Amy Anderson.

Back in December you may have heard episode 43, about how to tell if your young child is consenting or not; in that episode I describe a presentation my husband and I had the great good fortune to attend. Blake Boles, the presenter, was asked the question: "how do you know if your young child is consenting?" Not being a parent himself, Blake turned the question back out to those of us in the audience – and Amy gave a great answer, turning the question around on itself and explaining how she can tell when her four-year-old daughter is not consenting. It's a great episode, but not a prerequisite to today – here is the link if you would like to give episode 43 a listen: weturnedoutokay.com/043!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe

Hey friends – this week I made the difficult decision to postpone publication of Positive Discipline Ninja Tactics by a few weeks.

New pub date: Sunday, April 24, 2016.

A resurgence of my chronic illness, combined with my desire to make this book be the best it can possibly be for for you, if you're a mom or dad of young children, contributed to this decision.

I hope y'all can be patient while I finish it up!

To find out the moment it goes live on April 24 – it will be FREE for its first three days in Amazon! – as well as to download my infographic about how to handle any temper tantrum, go to positivedisciplineninjatactics.com.

Also, listen to weturnedoutokay.com/000 to hear more about my chronic illness, which actually was a catalyst to starting the podcast. Life is strange.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kaylockkolp.substack.com/subscribe