like i said, had you just been honest about your relationship, no one would have cared, but a lot of people would have stepped back from the situation and not interfered with your relationship. instead like a little bitch you pretended to not be there and got a lot of people stuck in your horrible life. 

i wasnt sure how to insult shiva and her children, because this lady has gamed the system by hiding.  but i went about it the wrong way. 

the thing about shiva though, is its pretty personal.  what she has done has very much to do with children. she is kind of like a mistress. but in this case, it was much worse. so shiva focused on getting thier own children at the expense of others. many many others. not only that, shiva is much worse than that.  so, i brought the children in to it because it very much has to do with their children and others children. shiva remind me of those lade ee on craiglist that lure a pregnant lady to their home to buy something then she cut the pregnant lady baby out of the stomach, kind of person.  this is what shiva remind me of. you have seen the stories of that happening. just google it. google, "lade ee on craiglist that lure a pregnant lady to their home to buy something then she cut the pregnant lady baby out of the stomach"  you will find the stories. you may even see a picture of shiva.

so i will say much like when i was a child and my cousin sold drugs to me to give to friends, and it basically turned me in to a drug dealer, i felt that that experience ruined my life as a child.  i remember thinking as a child, that because my cousin brought drugs to me to give to my friends, that it ruined my life.  i didnt realize what i was doing until it was brought to my attention.   i dont really have much of a life left but it seems like i keep getting in to situations that effectively ruin my life.  for instance, when i insulted shiva and told her to abuse her children.   you should remember, i was basically trafficked by my brother as a child. to himself but it still is like trafficking.  i have things like that etched in to my mind , which may make me different from others who havent been abused.  i think there are a lot more people who have been abused but maybe they dont tell anyone.  anyway, i had just told described being trafficked a few days earlier, and my talking to someone else about it is probably a residual effect of describing my own experience.   unfortuantely, there are sayings out there that if someone has been abused they may have a higher chance of abusing someone else.  well, i think that can be true.  in my case, ive been under surveillance probably for the last decade.   and before that  i was living with friends and working and things like that. my whereabouts are pretty known. if you were to track my whereabouts, you would find out that i havent spent private time with any children in my whole life since childhood i guess.  i once remember someone asking me if i wanted to take a picture with their child and they let me hold the child. i remember the way i had to hold the child and touch their bottom while holding them made me feel like a child molester.  i realized then that because i had been sexually abused i am scared i could do that to a child.    but anyway, i would challenge anyone to track my whereabouts back to my childhood and you will find that i havent spent alone time with any children.  when i was child i was abused.   that may be one of the reasons i didnt want children.  so, although i said what i said about the children, you can track my history to find out that i have zero private interaction with children. now that i think about it, i may have been asked to babysit three kids one time in my twenties but if you care to find out who that was for you could, and they probably had cameras in their house and can tell you how that went, i dont remember if i babysat the children but i did housesit for them.   anyway,  i do apologize for what i said but you should remember that i think like that probably because i was treated like that as a child by my brother.  he did disgusting things to me and i dont remember most of what happened.  but, i havent spent alone time with children.  i am barely technology literate, and surveillance knows that.  they also know that i dont check porn or anything like that.  i barely picked up a smart phone until ten years ago.  

i really think it would be very easy to track my whereabouts back to childhood.  camera wise.  there werent any cameras around though when i was being abused by my brother. 

but , i do remember one time trying to tell people about my own experience with sexual abuse at a support group, and it fell on deaf ears and not only that, it wasnt recieved well.  i havent really talked to anyone about the abuse.  so, talking about my own experience probably contributed to why i said what i said to shiva. 

i think it is important to consider the context. that is a pretty good principle. 

i am not going to delete anything i am just issuing an apology 

it would be better if you didnt care about what i said though    the whole thing is very strange

maybe you can use my apology to try to take back what i said 

i cant take back what i said... sorry. its already out there in the universe. it can never be fixed.  sorry. 

i am sorry for accusing people of things except i do not take back what i said about shiva 

when i wrote something on 3/31 i had gone probably several days without adequate sleep including on 3/31 possibly having only slept for a couple of hours in 24 hours. i have trouble sleeping a lot of the time. i dont like the apartment i moved in to and sleep less i was in a very bad mood when i was writing online the thing is you cant undo things so it makes things a lot worse. i wish there was an undo button in life where only you can see what you do and undo but that isnt how it work.s  there is more to this situation that kind of contributes to the bad frame of mind but i wont talk about it.   there are always things that i dont say and then unfortunately because i dont say things that i want to say i wind up saying other things that are most likely things i dont want to say i do think it takes people a few attempts sometimes to say what they are trying to say