Ass Backwards

The Fast and the Furious. Our epic journey finally reaches its beginning.

RACE WARS! We end with the beginning. Somehow a franchise becomes celebrated for its multiculturalism while beginning with... a RACE WAR. Perhaps the most philosophically dense of the movies featuring meditations on the Duality of Ludacris, the Ur-Street Race, the three stages of a homophobic insult, and Letty's outfit providing the evolutionary missing link between the two types of Fast & Furious Women. Mike teaches us how to flirt while eating tuna fish & Brad offers up the Ballad of Lefty Krantz. 

Lesson of the Episode: "Never blow your biscuit."

2 Fast 2 Furious but no 2 Live Crew? 

A Franchise writ in Etch a Sketch. As we near the end/beginning of this series, we are backing into simpler stories, lower stakes & Old School Hollywood racism. This movie is what happens when Miami Vice & Dukes of Hazzard have a sloppy, racially-charged one night stand. Van Morrison & Umberto Eco swing by the podcast. 

This episode's lesson: "Why Jump the Shark when you can Jump the Yacht?" 

TOKYO DRIFT! JAPAN BEFORE JUVY! 

The movie that should have killed the franchise. The Minority-Report -Goo Screenwriters gave themselves a fascinating challenge: Can we make a movie with equally grotesque racial & sexual stereotypes? Spoiler Alert: Racism wins. Is Kid Rock's biggest hit just Doo Wop with Angry Drums & a Meth problem? Sean, our low rent Brian joins the Yakuza before he gets over jet lag. Mike & Brad embrace cancellation as both have a moment of cultural misidentification. 

Lesson of the Episode?:"By watching these movies backwards, Brad accidentally watched them in the correct order." 

Fast & Furious. The movie too furious for definite articles! 

This film shifted a sputtering series of gearhead movies onto the path to becoming a global phenomenon. The key? Screenplays written by three 14 year old boys in a Minority-Report-style vat of goo. Dom demonstrates Family by treating Letty like a one night stand! A Russian Nesting Funeral! Dom Toretto: Asphalt Psychic! Is the series Butt Infested or Butt infused? And was Eva Braun the Ultimate Ride or Die Bitch? 

Lesson of the Episode: "The stupidest way to do something is always the best way to do it."

Fast Five. TRAIN ROBBERY! 

The Fast & the Fugitive! Family on the Run, and the only thing that would make it better is Tommy Lee Jones. This week In fast physics, mass is determined by the density of the cool. Elena & Dom don't have sex onscreen, implying that their child is the product of Immaculate Domception. 

This episode's lesson:  "The worse the Father, the greater his right to name his child." 

Furious 6. Furiouser and furiouser. 

CHEKHOV's GRAPPLING GUN! A Runway longer than a Russian novel! The Family fights a Doppelganger crew. We meet Betty, aka Evil Soap Opera Letty. Mike & Brad debate the Talmudic question, "Is there a non-sexual way to bite a butt?" The crew takes extended detours to a pawn shop and prison to learn what they already know. Brad keeps lying, Mike loses track of the podcast's format & we define a Fast & Furious full and complete stop. 

This episode's lesson:"Why Fast & Furious is the Gospel in Booty Shorts."

Furious 7. WRENCH FIGHT!!! The series turns soap opera with amnesia and a secret marriage! Jason Statham killed Han, so he must be family. In this universe, God (might be) a woman's butt, a billionaire can afford an Abu Dhabi skyscraper but not a hard drive, and we see nonviolent conflict resolution through head-on collisions! This episode's lesson: "Mike, I'm gonna say the words, and you're gonna shut up!" 

The F8 of the Furious! Dom Goes ROGUE! A lifelong criminal REALLY starts breaking the law! A baby gets weaned on / rescued from an AWACS plane. Attack of the Zombie Cars. Sub vs. Sports Cars! Lamborghini v. Tundra! The Two Kinds of Fast & Furious Women. This episode's lesson: "If you want a man to save your child, first you have to shoot him." 

F9! Mike & Brad begin their journey at the moment the Fast & the Furious series becomes self-aware. Come for the sexual chemistry between Helen Mirren & Vin Diesel, stay for the majesty of Project Rocket Car. John Cena is a blood relative of Vin Diesel? Tyrese is Black Space Frazier! Afrofuturism collides with Grotesque Stereotypes! This episode's lesson: "Saying it Out Loud Doesn't Help."