Audio Tidbits

In episode 48 of How to Matter, I focus on those times when we are angry and not happy about events and circumstances. Contrary to what we may hear or be told, getting upset, angry, and unhappy with people and situations are quite normal and, within limits, good for us. The key is in how and when we give expression to our negative times. The article below is a somewhat related perspective and serves as the handout for this episode.

We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it. -- Abraham Lincoln

You are generally positive about most people and most situations. Some people are negative about everything and everyone or unpredictably negative about things. You can't tell when or where they are going to be in a snit about something or someone. Alternatively, the few things and people about whom you are negative are clearly known and predictable. There are few surprises.

There is a significant advantage to being generally positive and predictably negative. Negativity is energy draining and inhibits intuition. Being mostly positive avoids the downside of being negative. Further, knowing when and what people and circumstances prompt negativity lessens the emotional drain and makes it easier to manage the bad vibes so as to minimize the suppressing affect on intuition. You know that the cost of negativity is too high to tolerate beyond that which can't be avoided.

In episode 47 of How To Matter, I discuss aggressiveness and assertiveness and explore the underlying difference. The point is that aggressiveness is fundamentally bullying behavior and assertiveness is an effort to get one's needs, interests and priorities acknowledged in the context of the rights, interests and priorities of others. The tip is to choose wisely as you pursue what you want for you. The article below is the reading assignment for this episode.

The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others. -- Sharon Anthony Bower

Assertively stick up for yourself. This level of personal initiative extends to people and organizations with which you are associated. Of course, needs are prioritized and have to be met. Interests need to be pursued. Personal and organizational goals need to be realized. For you, though, meeting your needs at the uncompensated expense of other people is unacceptable. As Euripides observed, Joint undertakings stand a better chance when they benefit both sides.

Pursuing self-interest in ways that prevent others from pursuing their interests is problematic. Reaching goals in ways that make it impossible for other people to reach their goals is to be avoided whenever possible. Sticking up for one's self and one's interests is consistent with your approach to everything, so long as every reasonable effort is made to avoid injuring other people and their interests.

In episode 46 of How To Matter, I discuss finding the sweet spot between accommodating to others and taking care of yourself. The article below is the handout that goes along with the tip in the episode.

By helping yourself, you are helping humankind. By helping humankind, you are helping yourself. That's the law of all spiritual progress. -- Christopher Isherwood

Perhaps helping humankind may be a bit beyond your immediate focus; but be that as it may, be flexible and accommodating to the needs, preferences, and individual situations of other people. Here, emphasis is on accommodating. You are flexible enough to help meet the needs of other people or at least to not prevent those needs being met. Further, the preferences of other people are considered to the extent that they don't preclude satisfying your needs and interests. The point is that room is made for others and your priorities so long as this does not prevent your long-term success.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare

Simply be unwilling to argue. You know that people who argue with anyone, anywhere, at any time are attempting to manipulate and control others by confusing them, wearing them down, and by emotionally and intellectually overpowering them. Alternatively, you consciously present your thoughts, perceptions, intentions, or point of view and stop. You listen and consider what the other person is saying, adjust your ideas and plans as you think is appropriate, but then stop. If the other person wants to pursue the issue, they must do so without your further participation.

In this episode of How To Matter, my focus is on Fault Finders, those frustrating types who drive us up the wall. You can get a free .pdf edition of The Frustration Factor at This Link.

The excerpt below is the handout for the mini workshop in this episode of How To Matter.

Faultfinders do not have much faith in people

Management and psychology texts argue that people will do as well as they can under the specific circumstances. They only need to accept the underlying values, understand the problem, and receive support and encouragement. Faultfinders do not buy into that. It is only necessary for them to look around to see the absurdity in the people-are-good-and-want-to-do-the-right-thing hypothesis. These players can look at almost any behavior, activity, or project and point out things that should have worked out better or faster. They can point to people who should have been smarter or sharper. They also call attention to events or circumstances that someone should have handled more smoothly or efficiently.

They always do better, they believe, so it is reasonable for them to expect others to do the same. Faultfinders reason thusly:

• If things were done right the first time, we would not have to waste our time straightening out messes other people are causing

• There is no excuse for that - whatever that happens to be

• If you can't do the job, we'll find someone who can - and that will be easy to do

The trick is to Faultfind about something, anything, and then criticize someone, anyone. The result is that the spotlight never gets turned on the player. If the heat does turn on him, he only needs to escalate his criticism and self-righteous indignation.

Faultfinders are intolerant of others

Intolerance is to faultfinding as a lack of reason is to dogma. Remove the intolerance and this frustrating behavior must stand the test of reality and the close examination of others. It is this type of scrutiny the player wants to avoid whenever possible.

The faultfinder is always looking for the different, the negative, or the problematic in others. If the player shows any real tolerance, he runs the risk of overlooking these negative aspects. Attention must not shift to people's strengths, abilities, or areas of special competence. This is a risk that must be avoided. Maintaining a high level of intolerance is safe and guarantees there will always be room for faultfinding.

Faultfinders expect others to foul up

This principle joins with intolerance and the next principle to form a closed triad. Simply expecting others to foul up enables the player to predict the behavior of people with 100 percent accuracy. Sooner or later everyone will handle something less than perfectly. The player's intolerance makes it easy to see the negative or problematic. Assuming that the foul up will happen leads to his being sharper and quicker to pounce on it.

It is a variant of Murphy's law. Sooner or later things will go wrong, and it is likely to be sooner. When it happens, the player is not surprised. He and Murphy predicted it.

It is easy for the player to spot and respond to what he expects. If everyone thinks a member of the family will foul up, they will be more alert, more on guard, and quicker to blame. When people expect the worst, there is seldom any surprise. Even if things are going well, Just you wait!

Faultfinders do not accept people as they are

Now the triad is complete. There is intolerance. There is the expectation others will foul up. Now, however people are, they should change.

The player says, I do not like the way you handled that project.

The staff member watches the player for a while to see how projects should be handled and then uses the player's approach for the next project.

The faultfinder then says, I do not like the way you handled this project.

The staff member says, But it is the same way you do things.

The player then says, I might have expected you to be someone who would try to take som...

In episode 43 of How To Matter, I talk about an unpleasant experience with a surgeon and expanded from there to discuss the value and risks associated with accommodating to other people and special circumstances. The article below is the handout for the mini workshop.

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got. -- Janis Joplin

Adjust to people and circumstances without compromising your values, beliefs, personal style, position, or self-perceived status. You don't expect others to adjust to or accommodate to you, unnecessarily, inappropriately, or unilaterally. You remain who you are regardless of who is present or the specific situation but intentionally adjust your behavior and demeanor so that others can perceive and relate to you in positive and useful ways. In this way, you avoid any extraneous emotional or social clutter, thus maximizing the opportunity available with each person and in each situation.

In this episode of How To Matter, I share a story about when my oldest daughter gave me some stellar advice. She was seven at the time. I admit I do not always follow the great advice even now but it still is generally the way to go.

If we are not going to go with my daughter's excellent strategy for problem solving, I suggest that the best alternative is to simplify.

In episode 41 of the How To Matter podcast, I explore luck and seashells. There are different kinds of luck and different kinds of lucky people. It is easy to be one of the lucky people who play the lottery and take very low probability risks. You aren't likely to win very often; but if you do win, you might really hit the jackpot.

There are also those who depend on smart luck, like my grandfather. If you want to know about smart luck, episode 41 is definitely the next podcast you should consume.

In this episode of How To Matter, I explore how love and power do and do not work well together. The handout below shows Carl Jung's perspective and in the podcast, I consider how valid that perspective is and how we may want to manage love and power in our relationships.

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other. -- Carl Jung

Don't try to take charge of anything or anyone. Sure, you are assertive and comfortable with your position and authority and don't hesitate exercising that authority appropriately and responsibly. The point here is that you don't use power junkie strategies including manipulation, power games, and expanding your locus of control at the involuntary expense of others.

Do you gain more control and influence over time? Yes you do. The remarkable point is that this expanding locus of control just seems to happen without any active intent of yours. You simply end up in charge.

It seems likely that this is a product of intuitive processes that recognize and exploit opportunities to facilitate the success of other people. Your being in charge isn't a function of power or control. It's, rather, a function of your being in charge becoming an extrinsic but essential aspect of other people's success. They just would not be as successful without you.

This episode of How To Matter asks whose advice we should follow, who has something to tell us that is worth taking seriously. More importantly, the episode explores how we process the advice, suggestions and should and shouldn'ts we are confronted with most every day and most everywhere we go.

There is no end to the people and sources that only want our attention, our cooperation and our going along with their perspective, point of view, their idea of what's best for us. How we manage all that advice matters; it makes a difference in how or whether we matter, whether we make a difference that matters.