Authentic Men's Group podcast

Authentic Living (Mentality) Part 3

Circle 3 - Mentality (Think)

These are the beliefs and stories that we tell ourselves. This is Where we are going. Process driven. Potential Pitfall- Intellectualizing.

Quotes on thinking:

Rene Descartes, the French philosopher, stated in 1637 - Cogito, ergo sum - "I think therefore I am". Probably the most significant quote to push a civilization to the unhealthy extreme of reason being the most important capacity.

"If everyone is thinking alike then no one is thinking." Benjamin Franklin

"There is no conversation so boring as the one where everyone agrees."

"When we like other people agreeing with us we will often not say what we are thinking."

"An opinion should be a result of thought not a substitute for it."

"It is the mark of an educated man to entertain thoughts without accepting them." Aristotle

Book: Think Again by Adam Grant

Book: Clean Up Your Mental Mess by Dr. Carolyn Leaf

5 steps to manage our mind:

1. Gather info (enjoyable or painful emotional/physical experiences) lean into the experience.
2. Reflect (who, where, what is happening that triggered this)
3. Write (chaos into order and refine)
4. Re-examine (how do I want to respond?) develop how you want to rethink and act in love.
5. Active reach (practice and apply)

Authentic Living (Sensitivity) Part 2

Circle 2 - Sensitivity (Feel)These are the Emotions that reinforce our identity. This is How we feel.

What would emotions from the outside-in look like vs. emotions from inside-out look like?

• Outside-in: Feeling Angry about our behavior and then thinking we shouldn't do that. Trying to attack the behavior with will-power. It gave us some structure as far as social expectation.
• Inside-out: when we feel something, acknowledge and recognize how we are feeling and not the sum of our emotions. Looking to see what information we can learn more about ourselves because we know there is something to learn from our emotions.

How to process feelings proactively:

Don't Judge our emotions Good or Bad. Just like we don't judge our physical pain. If I touch a stove and it hurts do I get mad at my hand for feeling pain??

Use emotions as data not direction. Bad days give us good data.

Express emotions proactively using the acronym NEED:

Name what you feel. Recognize and write what you are feeling.

Explain the reason you feel this way through allowing and accepting feelings. (What caused the feelings to begin with?)

Be thorough in examining what has caused the current emotions. When these two steps are accomplished, you are more than halfway there because you are now aware and can do something about your feelings.

Examine an attitude or action you can change relating to what you feel.

Once you know the feeling and what caused it, there can be a conscious decision to alter a mood, change a motive or make a move to revise the condition that caused the feeling in the first place. Such a revision can be effective because now we can choose to see circumstances in a different light. For example, forgiveness can replace resentment simply by a choice.

Deal with feelings personally before relationally. Do this through a kind and loving lens. Give expression when we invite others into our vulnerable emotional state.

When our Actions, Beliefs, and Feelings align with our Identity, Life is good! Our goal is to align these attributes. That is authenticity.

In this episode we discuss a paradigm of how to live authentically aligned with our identity.

In this podcast we discuss suggested questions men have had and continue to have about authenticity.

Here are some of the questions we discussed:

• Is there such a thing as having different levels of authenticity?
• Is the authentic self created/invented or discovered?
• What is the risk of being authentic?
• What makes overcoming inauthenticity so hard?
• Is there a correlation between authenticity and success?
• Why is authenticity so important?

Here are some of the questions we discussed:

• Why is authenticity important for us as members and leaders of AMG?
• How hard is it to be authentic in our culture?
• Is authenticity a state we stay in or are we in out of it?
• Do the stages of life change our authenticity?

In this podcast we discuss questions men have had and continue to have about authenticity.

Men often struggle with understanding the difference between rest and laziness. We either rest and feel lazy or we are lazy and don't get rest.

Here are some definitions of each:

Laziness: the quality of being unwilling to work or use energy; idleness.

Rest: to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.

Laziness is apathetic, just letting whatever happens happen.

Here are 3 approaches to rest well:

1. Rest takes work.

2. Rest gives attention to the natural cycles and rhythms of life.

3. Rest Involves Mindfulness.

Rest is both intentional diligence and intentional negligence.

Diligence is knowing some of the activities that we are going to do when we have down time; things that truly refresh, rejuvenate and recharge us.

It would be a good idea to have certain activities ready to go and up and running so that we can just move into them when we get an opportunity.

We might suggest 3 to 5 different restful activities that you move to when you have time to do so.

Negligence is an important concept to discuss. Negligence is often considered to be a negative trait for it means there has been failure to take proper care in doing something. That is exactly the thought here. Only what we are saying is not a failure to take proper care, it is actually a success. It is a success to leave office stress at the office, it is a success to leave the email unopened, it is a success to keep the phone in the care while watching your kids weekend games. Planned negligence in this way actually shows you care because you are putting all your attention to the activity (or should we say the inactivity) at hand.

Pay attention to sleep cycles, daily cycles, weekly cycles, monthly cycles and yearly cycles.

In order to learn and turn bad days in to good data we must be mindful.

The definition of mindfulness is "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations."

When we are lazy, our mind is distracted. We're busy trying to avoid our anxiety and stress at work. We just want to shut down our mind. We want to veg out. Our mind cannot observe, because seeing something clearly is precisely what we're trying to avoid.

Conclusion.

"In our hurried fast paced culture where busyness is the norm, rest keeps us from being like the rest."

"If we are tired, we may learn to rest so we don't quit."

"Rest. Sleep. Let your spirit have the peace it deserves, let your mind have the dream it desires and let your body have the strength it wants."

In this podcast we continue the journey of redefining our success. We apply the 8 To Be Great model of success by Richard St. John to circles 4-7 of the Circle of Relationship paradigm.

In this podcast we continue the journey of redefining our success. We apply the 8 To Be Great model of success by Richard St. John to circles 1-3 of the Circle of Relationship paradigm.

Redefining Success

It is important to define success for ourselves. If we do not, it will be defined for us.

The Construct of Success:

Merriam-Webster's definition:

• the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame.
• the correct or desired result of an attempt.
• a person or thing that succeeds.

Defining childhood upbringing and development of messages we received about success.

• It was about being a hero, saving people, having fame and accomplishments, getting good grades. (Athletes, superheroes, scientist/inventor, youtube celebrities)
• They all had messages attached to them - be the smartest, strongest, best-looking, well-known, have everything you want (more)
• The message is that success is the opposite of failure, with failure being labeled something negative or unwanted and even impacting the way we view our value as a human being.

Heuristics in our thinking about success.

Definition: rule-of-thumb that can be applied to guide decision-making based on a more limited subset of the available information. Example: Hot stove or driving a car

We could have a lapse in critical thinking or applying a simple rule that has been marketed or inherited to success being more, wealth or fame.

Masculinity and success - Achievement. Masculinity is often misunderstood as a sort of status that can be constantly earned through success, challenged, policed, and even taken away due to failures.

Men are far more likely to internalize than actually process the emotions that follow failure. This leads to problems in the long run. When men internalize their failures we call that Shame. It can be toxic and keep us stuck. When we process the emotions that are coming up through a perceived failure with close relationships we turn that shame into guilt. Guilt is constructive and helps us identify where we can grow.

The Deconstruct of Success:

In our culture it tends to be about up and to the right; it's about more and better.

Instead we could consider going back where we came from "into the cave" because we know where everything is and we could help others get out.

If not aware, success can be about the next goal while leaving our past success behind or not maintenanced. We must consider all the circles, especially inner circles, when setting new goals.

The Reconstruct of Success:

The Circle of Relationships Paradigm, or way of thinking, is a model that we talk about constantly in AMG.

The key is to live from 'the inside out, not from the outside in'

Success changes with the seasons of life. I just got married three weeks ago. My success has changed. Me getting home to my beautiful wife by 6pm is a success I strive for!

Getting to a mountain top is only good for a short period. Revel in the accomplishment.

We don't want to settle there because it is the place of most exposure, it is barren and desolate.

We must define and redefine what success and failure is to us on a regular basis. What do we aspire to and how do we reach it and maintain it? It is also important to understand that success is always a blank canvas, you don't actually get to mark off success from the list of life.

Remember, it is in our human nature to reach.

Be the most successful person in the world by comparing yourself to yourself and the things you want. What are the things you want and why? Then find a pro and learn from them, don't compare just learn and apply yourselves with the 8 rules from 8 to be great by Richard St. John.

Success is not a one way street, it's a continuation.

Here are 8 things to continuously work on by Richard St. John and his book 8 to be great:

1. Passion - it excites you and is connected to a strong why (preferably loving self).
2. Work - do the work and find meaningful work.
3. Focus - be intentional and have direction.
4. Persistence - consistency is crucial.
5. Ideas - be creative and have an open mindset.
6. Excellence - get really good at something (Mastery takes 10,000 hours from the book Outliers by Malcome Gladwell).
7. Push - get outside of comforts.
8. - Serve others - keep others in mind to make it meaningful.

We must have a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset and remember success changes with the seasons of life.