Authentic Men's Group podcast

In a culture of "artificial intelligence" and "virtual reality" it can be a challenge to be authentic.

Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant

Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown

The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world.

Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good.

You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself? Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one's authentic self can hinder that growth.

We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities:

1. Curiosity

2. Calm

3. Clarity

4. Connectedness

5. Confidence

6. Courage

7. Creativity

8. Compassion

Regretfully Yours (Part 2)

The Four Categories of Regret from part 1 are:

1. Foundational Regrets - "If only I had more…"

2. Boldness Regrets - "If only took a risk …"

3. Moral Regret - "If I had that decision back I would have…"

4. Connection Regrets - "If I would have stayed connected to…"

How to Respond to Regret:

1. Be Aware of it (this is what the first podcast was dedicated to)

• Identify them in detail
• Explore why we have them.
• The keys to awareness

2. Express it - Do not deny regrets but express them with a select few trusted confidants.

Disclosing our regrets. Be vulnerable for it:

• Releases some of the burden
• Begins making sense of the process when we begin to articulate
• Creates bonds to others who can relate and empathize. Eliminate isolation for regret grows in isolation.

3. Embrace it - Make it matter because it does.

• To flippantly let on it doesn't mean anything is a sure way to have it hang around.

• We can't transcend something we don't embrace.

• Feel the pain but don't let it turn to shame, acknowledge the hurt but don't let it turn into guilt.
• When we embrace it we can learn to embrace ourselves with self compassion, self- kindness and self-acceptance knowing that we are good men capable of doing things we may regret.

4. Transform it - renew it, reshape it, remold it, redo it, reconstruct it, rebuild it, recast it, reorder it, reframe it, reorganize it, restyle it. Just 're' it.

• Turn a bad decision into good data.
• Turn a bad decision of something we did into a healthy expression of who we really are.

The Benefits of Regret:

1. Sharpens our decision making skills for the future. "I won't do that again"

2. Secures our performance on a range of tasks. The more we do the more we get to do but if we let our regrets of the past hold us back we won't try things which by the way is one of the four categories of regrets. Don't measure our worth based on our performance but based on our character. As we often say in AMG. "You are a good man"

3. Strengthens our sense of meaning and connectedness. We realize that we all are strugglers. I am a fellow struggle with every other human struggler on the planet. We are all just trying to find our way and sometimes that way is found through regret.

4. Shows us what we really want in that if we did the opposite of what we regret we would have a sense of fulfillment. The camera negative

We encourage you to talk about your regrets openly and find the freedom of vulnerability and authenticity.

Regret is one of our most powerful feelings and regrettably one of the most misunderstood.

Regret covers a myriad of circumstances from wishing we would have eaten oatmeal instead of the cinnamon danish this morning for breakfast to feeling remorse for not telling a loved one how much we loved them before they died.

The Four Categories of Regret:

1. Foundational Regrets - did not make choices that give enough stability and security

Not saving enough money or not paying attention to health.

"If only I had more…"

2. Boldness Regrets - did not take a chance on doing something I should have

Starting a business, not asking someone out, not speaking up

"If only took a risk …"

People who took risks and failed still were glad they took the risk because it taught them something

3. Moral Regret - did something they should not have or did not do something they should have

Affairs, bullying, stealing, cheating

"If I had that decision back I would have…"

4. Connection Regrets - did not stay in touch and as a result we drifted apart.

Disassociated with family and/or friends

"If I would have stayed connected to…"

It is not too late to reach out and awkwardness is most often rewarding to those who take the initiative.

Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.

Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.

Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.

This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.

Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.

Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.

Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.

This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.

In this podcast we discuss how to be assertive in our #5-#7 circles of relationships paradigm. These circles consist of work, giving, boundaries, possesions and coping mechanisms of life.

Circle #5 – The Mandatory Relationships (work and to do lists)

Assertiveness in the workplace means being confident in communicating our opinions, suggestions, challenges and desires. It means representing ourselves well in the company while representing the company well.

It is about making conflict about the problem or challenge that is important to face in order to make it a better workplace.

It is about trusting if the authenticity of the company is worthy of personal authenticity.

Circle #6 – The Peripheral Relationship

Boundaries are important in these relationships.

There are two different categories in this circle:

1. The people who have hurt
2. The people who will take from us.

Give no energy to our enemies.

It's not harsh to be assertive, it's harsher when people take advantage of you. Janna Cachola

Don't argue with someone because they have a difference of opinion unless we are willing to argue with ourselves in 10 years when your changes.

Be assertive in our research of where we will give.

Be assertive with our giving.

We have three things to give; energy, time and resources.

Circle #7 - Temporal

Are the things that help us cope or give us status. These relationships are attached to a materialistic or consumer based culture. They add a temporal fix and try to satisfy the inner by the outer.

Addictions - Alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling - Guys who struggle with addictions are often trying to change the behavior.

Get assertive about the desire or want that is present. Identify the core issue.

This is a number Circle #1 issue not a Circle #7 issue.

Be assertive about understanding ourselves

Get assertive about what is enough personally.

Get assertive about what it means to have a good life. Define this for ourselves and don't let our culture define it for us.

Practical Notes of Application

1. Communicate clearly and directly: Speak in a clear and confident tone, and use specific language to express your thoughts and feelings.

- Keep it short, clear and censer

2. Stand up for yourself: Don't be afraid to speak up when you feel that your rights or needs are being disregarded or ignored.

- Know your values and priorities and then communicate them. Communicate what you do want. Example: I would love to go but I am going to hang out with my family.

3. Use "I" statements: When expressing your thoughts and feelings, use "I" statements to take ownership of them. For example, instead of saying "you're wrong," say "I disagree."

4. Respect others' opinions: While being assertive, it's important to respect others' opinions, even if you don't agree with them.

5. Listen actively: Listen to others' opinions and concerns and acknowledge them.

6. Be flexible: Be willing to compromise and negotiate in order to find a solution that works for everyone.

7. Practice confidence: Believe in yourself and your abilities, and practice assertive behavior in different situations.

8. Seek professional help: If you're having trouble being assertive, consider seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist.

Use DESC model by Sharon and Gordon Brower in book asserting yourself.

Describe the behavior that affecting you

Express emotion I am feeling

Solution that may help

Conclusion or consequence if something doesn't change.

In this podcast we discuss the importance of using assertiveness in the essential relationships in our life. We use the paradigm Circle of Relationships.

Circle #1 – The SOURCE Relationship

It is where I discover self.

It is the internal and the eternal.

It is where I find my purpose and passion

Know what we want personally and fulfill that desire.

The only time to let people put you in a box is just before your funeral.

Self-awareness is the key to self-assertiveness

The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can't teach others how to respect me if I haven't learned what there is to respect about myself.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

Assertiveness is not what you do, it's who you are. Shakti Gawain.

Once we know what we want and we can express that in relationship. If we don't, staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul.

Circle #2 – The Intimate Partner Relationship

This is where we express the deepest self in the deepest way to another individual. This is the place of emotional and physical intimacy and is where sexual expression is made. It is one relationship that is committed and communicative. It the relationship of deepest authenticity and vulnerability.

If we meet our own needs we can approach the intimate relationship with openness in communication. Communication is 'seeking to understand before being understood'. When we have met our own needs with assertiveness we can approach the relationship communicating what we desire in a connected and intimate relationship.

Be assertive while being attentive.

Sex is a key focus in this and we can approach it with assertiveness and submission. Good sex is when it is difficult to tell who is enjoying the most, the one who is submitting or the one who is dominant and then reversing those roles to continue the intimate adventure.

Some of the most miserable men I have had in my office are those who have lived by the mantra of 'a happy wife makes a happy life'

Circle #3 and 4 - Friendships, Family

Circle #3 – The Select Few Relationships

These are relationships of deepest bond and devotion

Here is where I experience vulnerability and validity without sexuality.

They establish earnest trust and are the best frienships of life.

Circle #4 – The Few

These are people I do life with. They are there for support in the celebratory and sad events of life.

These are the people that are going to be there at funerals and weddings.

I can be authentic but often not vulnerable in these relationships

What is good the personal is good for the couple is good for the family.

Conclusion

Practicing assertiveness in all of the Circle of Relationships will be a constant struggle.

Some relationships will require us to be more aggressive, some relationships will require us to be more passive.

We can have confidence in this, we won't get it right all the time.

If we humbly acknowledge this we can move toward healthy growth in our assertiveness and this can have a beneficial effect on our circle of relationships from the inside out.

For more information on the circle of relationships check out our podcasts below:

Circle 1:

https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/20787b4e/the-1-relationship-source

Circle 2:

https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/1a64511e/the-2-relationship-significant-other

Circle 3:

https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/83f7d9e4/the-3-relationship-best-friends

Circle 4:

https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/855970d9/the-4-relationship-friends-and-family

• If we don't have it we won't know what we want and how to get it.
• We leave fate to write our story. Fate is a horrible author.

The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can't teach others how to respect me if I haven't learned what there is to respect about myself.

• Passive: Respecting others and not self
• Aggressive: Respecting self and not others
• Assertive: Respecting Self & Others in how we communicate, behave, and think.
• Passive-Aggressive: Appearing passive as manipulation with aggressive intentions.

Passive individuals - Are inhibited, indirect communicators, fearful of offending, and prefer that others make the decisions. They are considered as 'pushovers' by others, and they seldom get their communication needs met. They often hold feelings in and these feelings lead to resentment. They are the shrinking violets of the relationship. They take a lose-win attitude to communication (Their internal dialogue is, "I lose and you win.") Passive Inhibited individuals make others feel like there is disinterest and apathy in the relationship. Partners feel bewildered, ghosted, over responsible and isolated.

Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied. Are brutally honest, direct, and forceful.The major purpose for them is to be right. They will bulldoze and steamroll the conversation. They expect their opinion to be known first and often last. These individuals may even gaslight (take something that was said and make it the other person's problem) Their internal dialogue is, "I win, you lose". This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied.

Assertive - Are direct, authentic and honest communicators. They speak the truth even when it might be tough to do so. They address issues with empathy, compassion and love. They trust the process of speaking directly. They press in on issues that need to be addressed in appropriate places at appropriate times. They take a win-win attitude toward communications. Their internal dialogue is, "I win and you win". They treat others with respect yet have confidence in their own ability to communicate and come to agreement. They work toward a healthy balance of submitting if warranted and being forceful when needed. They are willing to compromise and negotiate. Assertive individuals make others feel equal, affirmed and secure. Partners feel significant, unified and understood.

• Assertiveness is not Aggressiveness
• Assertiveness is not a Jedi Mindtrick
• Assertiveness is not always the best response

Again, the opposite of unhealthy is still unhealthy. If a person is naturally more mild-mannered and introverted, to become an overbearing jerk is not the way to go just as it would be unnatural for an aggressive and forceful personality to all of the sudden become meek and timid. It may cause those who know him to think he has had a lobotomy.

The healthy middle ground is what we are talking about here; knowing when to submit and when to assert. For the naturally aggressive personality it might be good to balance the forcefulness with submission. A frequent question to ask would be, "Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?" For the naturally submissive and compliant personality it might be good to balance submission with forcefulness. A frequent question to ask would be, "What do I want and how am I making that known in this relationship?

FORMATING FORGIVENESS

If individuals could apply themselves to pursuing this one thing it could vastly improve personal and relational health. This one thing to pursue is a deep understanding and application of… forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a basis for a life well lived. In order to have a good establishment of life it is good to understand the foundational truths of forgiveness.

8 Truths of Forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is for me, not the offender

This is the reminder that we always have a choice no matter the extent of the pain and hurt that comes from the offense. This choice is empowering and compassionate towards ourself.

It is an invitation to grow and expand. It's always an inside job. Start by looking where you may need to forgive yourself or transform and change the expectations you put on yourself and others. Make this a constant daily practice.

2. Forgiveness frees me from the power of the one who hurt or offended me

Forgiveness gives the power to set prisoners free, only to find that the prisoner was me.

3. Forgiveness does not mean to forget, ignore or deny the offense

The brain is designed to remember to keep us from harm and danger. Emotional pain is processed just like physical pain on a cellular level. Much like we need to know where the lion was that could jump out of the bush and kill us we must remember where the emotional danger is with others in our lives.

The goal isn't to forget, it is to forgive and live freely from what we have learned and continue to learn. Include and transcend -Richard Rohr-

4. Forgiveness does not equal restoration

I am not responsible for another's response. If I forgive for the purpose of establishing restoration then it becomes conditional forgiveness. I want an end result. If I forgive just because I forgive and want to be free of any need for retribution that is transformational.

5. Forgiveness does not equal trust

There often is a confusion between forgiveness and trust. Just because I forgive doesn't mean I have to trust. Forgiveness is given; trust is built.

As I think of this it would be like buying an investment property with an old, run down building on it. In order to make the property a worthy asset there would be two things needed.

1. Tear down the old building, clear the land and make the lot new again – Forgive
2. Build up from the old by putting a new building on the reclaimed land that would create value – Trust

"Forgive your enemies but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy-

6. Forgiveness is not an option, it's a state of being

We are not the gatekeepers of whether someone is forgiven.

Forgiveness is already happening right now, right now and right now. Are you going to accept it or create your own hell? Separation from love. Get in the flow of constant present forgiveness.

Not too long ago I asked someone for forgiveness and she said "I will have to think about it" Whether she thought about it or not I knew I was free.

7. Forgiveness is humbly accepting that everyone is limited

We are all limited, as a matter of fact to be human is to be limited. At our limits is where we can be acknowledged and given grace. We are all alike in that we all have limitations, shortcomings.

It is about compassion not comparison. It is not about comparison of our limitations so we can feel better in our successes, it is about compassion that we all have limitations and acknowledging that my strength is given so that I can give it to another.

We are all fellow strugglers in the dark trying to find our way home and forgiveness is the flashlight that we pass to each other in the darkness.

8. Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can ever be changed

We are to have hope and hope is for the future. The way to have powerful hope for the future is to not waste it on the past; a past that can never be changed.

The word is for-give. Give it forward not give it backward. If I can reconcile my past by bringing it to the present I then have a new ledger to work with for the future. Then if I can bring that new ledger and eliminate debts I have a freedom for today.

Circle Four - Intentionality

These are the actions that we do. This is WHAT we do. Outcome and behavior driven.

A secure identity, with a sensitivity to our feelings and the feelings of others, and an acute accurate thinking makes way to beneficial action.

- We don't become a new person by changing our behavior, our behavior is evidence of our change and evolution in security, sensitivity and common sense.

- Behavior is a very important thing to look at. I often say, "Don't tell me what you believe, tell me what you have been doing."

- The goal is not to reduce actions but to know 'the what' behind the action.

- Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image.

- Our behavior is more honest than our words.

- Don't let the worst people we know dictate our behavior.

- To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to disempower them

- Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

- Sometimes poor behavior is simply a bad execution of good intent.