B Movie Breakdown

Things are about to get hairy for the Shaver family! Joining us for our bad puns this week is former guest Nicky Tyranno as we slog our way through 1989’s awful “comedy” with no idea what it wants to be, My Mom’s A Werewolf. Susan Blakely plays frustrated mom Leslie Shaver, whose family life is marred by a fat, lazy husband who ignores her both emotionally and sexually. When daddy dipshit blows off her latest advances in favor of football, bros and pot roast, Leslie gets swept off her feet by a toe biting stranger with a mysterious smile and a goldfish martini. After some strange almost-maybe sex, Leslie goes through the Big Change, eating raw meat and trying to fuck her daughter’s friend in the bathroom.

Is that a horse head bookend in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us? This week we’ve wood worked our way back to 1981 to watch one of the first (and possibly best) parodies of the slasher genre: Student Bodies. The students of Lamab High are some of the horniest film teens we’ve ever seen. Unfortunately for them, they’re all being stalked by a sexually frustrated serial killer with a fetish for weird murder weapons.

Remember those corny beach party movies of the 60s? Well, we decided to go back to the 80s to see Frankie and Annette’s (or rather, “Annette’s Husband” and Annette’s) tongue-in-cheek homage to those saccharine little classics in 1987’s Back to the Beach. Having left their beach days behind some 20 years ago, everybody’s favorite couple has become quite the douchers: Frankie is a soulless wet blanket of a car salesman and Annette has turned into a mindless shopaholic Stepford Wife who forces her family to subsist on a steady diet of Skippy peanut butter, Campbell’s soup and Spam (with cream sauce!).

Here comes the devil and four black stallions on my ass! This week we’ve slipped back to 1982 to check Scott Baio’s screwball Carrie-inspired comedy, Zapped! Before Charles got put in charge, Baio and Willie Aames starred in this precursor to Chronicle, about geeky teen Barney who gets telekinetic powers and flips out, using them to strip the whole town naked. Poor Barney.

When the goin’ gets tough, the tough get dancin’! This week we’ve gone back to 1984 to tangle with one of the most infamous bad sequels of all time, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Considering that this sequel was made and released the same year as the original, it’s a wonder it didn’t turn out even worse than it did. Breakers Kelly, Ozone and Turbo (or, as I like to call them, Special K, Shabba-Doo and Boogaloo Shrimp) are back with a mission, except when they’re starting riot level flash mobs and dancing aimlessly from scene to scene.

When the goin’ gets tough, the tough get dancin’! This week we’ve gone back to 1984 to tangle with one of the most infamous bad sequels of all time, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Considering that this sequel was made and … Continue reading →

Get ready for hookers, softcore porn music and a sexy lady vampire. Is this the latest offering from Skin-emax’s ‘After Dark’ lineup? Nope, it’s a second season episode of 1996’s X-Files rip-off, Baywatch Nights! This sobering warning against the dangers of nighttime jogging has The Hoff and his gang on the trail of a hilariously obvious vampire seductress. One would think this murder case would be high on the LAPD’s priority list, but the local department is packing up and leaving town, inexplicably deferring to lifeguard/P.I. Mitch at every turn.

Get ready for hookers, softcore porn music and a sexy lady vampire. Is this the latest offering from Skin-emax’s ‘After Dark’ lineup? Nope, it’s a second season episode of 1996’s X-Files rip-off, Baywatch Nights! This sobering warning against the dangers … Continue reading →

“Just close your eyes and take the money, okay?” were most likely the words LL Cool J actually advised to Chris Klein following their bending over to take this ass-ramming to their careers in 2002’s repulsive remake, Rollerball. You know you’re in for a bad time when you find out that one of the movie’s own stars slammed it while he was out promoting it. In the dystopian future of 2005, star athlete/adrenaline junkie Jonathan Cross gets recruited by his “high school” buddy Marcus Ridley to compete in Rollerball, a violent hybrid of roller derby, wrestling and lacrosse (sort of) in Russia, Asia and Eastern Europe.

Gather ‘round now everyone. It’s almost time for this week’s review of 1983’s cult classic Sleepaway Camp! We’d hate for you to miss out on this one – no, that wouldn’t do at all. Ah, low budget indie slasher flicks are a breath of fresh air among today’s Hollywood dreck. You see, at Camp Arawak, young men actually get to be MEN: pranking, swearing, shit talking and chasing girls instead of getting ball busted by them. In spite of the friendlier environment, some haters have managed to sneak into the camp, but fortunately Aunt Martha’s disturbed little niece knows the nuts (see what I did there?) and bolts of dealing with these miscreants. Sadly, Angela’s teen angst has a body count that’s a little too high, and she ends up taking out not just the haters and pedos, but regular dudes who just like to prank and hurl a few insults. But nothing, and we mean NOTHING, can prepare you for the surprise ending that will sear itself into your memory for the rest of your life.