B Movie Breakdown

“What are we watching this week?” ROCKULA – WHO’S ASKIN’?! Due to Youtube being a dick, we’ve had to change this week’s selection to 1990’s musical(?) rock romance Rockula. While life may have given us lemons, we’re so glad it did, or we might not have managed to dig this gem out of the muck. Before Twilight took a big Mormon shit on the vampire genre, moviegoers were treated to this ridiculous supernatural romance about the worst vampire ever and the girl that somehow loves him.

Because we couldn’t stay away from 1981, we’ve come back for The Pit’s heterosexual life partner, Bloody Birthday. Apparently we can add eclipses/weird planetary alignments to the ginger gene as causes for people to be born without souls. Diabolical Debbie, Creeper Curtis and Superfluous Steve cut a bloody swath through anybody in town who dares to cross them, get in their way or try to have sex. That’s right, nothing seems to steam the Cockblock Kids more than the sexual antics of their town’s teen population. Beverly’s awesome feather boa strip tease? UNACCEPTABLE!!! This is what happens when hate gets out of control – kids start ball busting and cockblocking as early as 10, nobody gets laid and even more psycho slashers are born as a result.

Clap it, slap it and wrap it, this week we go back to school – WAY back to 1991 for our listener request of Ghoulies 3. Glazier College is a place of extremes, with every college movie character stereotype and then some, including Bonnie the golf cart, Jeremy the “goose stepping Hitler Youth” frat leader and Veronica, the chick who’d rather work out than bang, or work out while banging, or something. When Prank Week’s “yanks” get out of control, a jealous and sexually frustrated professor summons the Three Stooges in demonic puppet form to wreak havoc on the students (racking up a massive body count of THREE). At least we’re treated to the ever-so-hot Eva La Rue as the heroine Erin who has the best one-liners, a fetish for Dustbusters and refers to herself in the third person. I hope Glazier’s still accepting applications because that school needs some men who don’t run away screaming from topless/lingerie pillow fights.

“Well, if it isn’t clumsy-stupid!” Grab some Purity Bread, this week we’re heading back to 1981 to cover our listener request of The Pit. Our protagonist Jamie is a nice, if creepy, 12 year old boy whose sexual awakening and overall social life are crushed by the hordes of merciless haters in his life. When a hideous ginger girl, a blind old lady and the school librarian all team up to stalk his life, Jamie does what any rational person would do – start listening to his murderous teddy bear and feed the haters to unexplained creatures out in the woods! Fortunately for Jamie, these pricks’ intelligence is inversely proportional to their hate, and his local law enforcement doesn’t give the slightest hint of a fuck about missing persons. Or the creatures they eventually kill. Oh, to live in this town…

Pop some No-Doz for this one – we go from best to worst in a single week! We’re dialing our time machine back to 1996 for the much-ado-about-nothing film Crossworlds. Ah, the 90s. It was a simpler time, as the horribly dated CG will show you. Plot and logic were also out the window, because when you have an artifact that lets you travel the multiverse, why NOT waste it dicking around in the desert and an office building the whole time? Josh Charles fizzles as a too-reluctant hero who’d rather stay at home and not pay his parking tickets, Andrea Roth tries to channel Cynthia Rothrock’s karate kicks, but can only execute them at a Cleopatra 2525 level, and Rutger Hauer fails as the mentor who’s on his asshole period. Add in a supervillain with demigod-like powers, but no idea how to use them and you get a movie that’s way more fun to talk about than watch. Love it or hate it though, don’t puke around here – you’ll turn inside-out.

What has two wheels and kills werewolves? We’ll give you three guesses. This week we were finally able to see a movie that we had been eagerly anticipating for nearly a year, and Ross Patterson’s FDR: American Badass did not disappoint. Get ready for Nazi werewolves, tasteless polio jokes and the Southern charm of Georgian Congressman Cleavon Buford. Oh, and titties! The pure ridiculousness of this movie had us dying the entire time; this is one of our new favorites, up there with Troll 2 and Mac and Me. We don’t want to spoil this wonderful movie any further, so please watch it before listening, but one thing’s for sure: you’ll never look at raw hot dogs the same way again.

And we are BACK! After fighting our way through the Mayan Zombie Alien Apocalypse, we are here with our first episode of 2013! Though the immediate danger of the Mayans has passed, the darkness that spawned them remains. In this uncertain time, we can only count on ONE MAN to shine a light into these shadows; ONE MAN who is not afraid to face the armies of the night, the stuff of nightmares and the boogity-boogity. And that man is… DAVID HASSELHOFF.

This week we delve into one of the best unknown gems of the 90s, Baywatch Nights, where lifeguard Mitch Buchannon moonlights as a private eye-turned paranormal investigator with the help of some very silly friends.

Having both recorded and written this prior to the Mayan Apocalypse, here’s hoping you and your loved ones are still alive and crouched in a ramshackle bunker somewhere. This week we journey back to the 80s, a time when children’s cartoons were far more plentiful, had actual stories,and every one of them, no matter how inappropriate they were for it, had to have their own Christmas special. Two children from Earth get abducted by Orko and brought to Eternia where they quickly teach all the heathen locals the meaning of Christmas – not peace or charity, but PRESENTS. A fuck ton of them. Not that they have time to open any of them, because these kids get abducted at least FOUR different times, which they seem to be fine with as long as they get their Christmas skrilla. Oh, and all this “Christmas spirit” the kids bring is supposedly more dangerous to Skeletor and Hordak than the He-Twins and Grayskull.

Perfect for our own descent into the wilds, this week we journey to the podunk town of Snowmonton, Colorado with 1996’s Jack Frost. What happens when a convicted serial killer gets hit with magic acid and merges with the plentiful snow? We get a fun little black comedy with more camp than Anawanna, of course. Even before the arrival of a murderous snowman this town has issues, from the probable domestic abuse in the Metzner household, to the 24 hour gun shop and the sheriff’s own son who “Made special!” and tries to feed his dad anti-freeze oatmeal. The strangeness of this town alone is worth the time to watch this, but seeing an extremely cheap snowman make a guy deepthroat an axe handle and bang Shannon Elizabeth with a carrot ought to hook our entire audience.

As the world barrels toward its violent end next Friday, we decided to take our time machine back 30 years to a simpler time. A time when creature makeup and effects were delightfully simpler, a time when movie sidekicks didn’t have to make sense, and a time when you could reasonably expect to see some titties for your 9 dollars and 75 cents. Some movies are good, others are bad, but 1982’s Swamp Thing is pretty neutral. What this fantasy hero lacks in providing a body count, he makes up for in throwing the bad guys around. Joining the monster formerly known as Dr. Alec Holland are a spunky scientist who’s not afraid to show a little side boob, an underage, mentally handicapped entrepreneur and a mutated midget. “How could this NOT turn out to be awesome?”, you’re probably asking. I wish I knew, but somehow Wes Craven failed us. On a brighter note, Corey and I devise a fool-proof plan to get America out of the recession – listen in, and start writing your congressmen NOW!