B Movie Breakdown

Rev up your Death Machine, because by order of Lord Zirpola, you are sentenced to Deathsport. Ever wonder what a Michael Bay movie would’ve looked like back in the 70s? Me neither, but we found out anyway in this week’s selection, 1978’s Deathsport! In this dystopian gladiator romp, we come dangerously close to seeing David Carradine’s package as he runs around in his underwear killing people with plastic swords and magic lasers. And because that wasn’t ridiculous enough, we were also treated to an overdose of overly loud jet sound effects and needless explosions! It’s not ALL bad, though – DC’s costar is a former Playboy Playmate. Oh yes, there WILL be titties!

Stop by the Manly Discount Centre and pick up some safety pads, cause we’re biking back to the 80s this week, with BMX Bandits! Long before Nicole Kidman was introduced to America and Tom Cruise, she Kidz Bopped it up in this 90 minute BMX commercial. In this poignant allegory of the dangers of teen drug dealing, Judy, PJ and Goose find a shady crate of souped-up “walkie-talkies” which they proceed to push to their friends for “bike” money, leading to a 45 minute chase with the local gang of “bank robbers.” Odd sexual undertones also seem to hint to a surprising resolution to the romantic triangle between our three heroes. Was Nicole Kidman’s Judy named the original Finger Cuffs after the credits roll? We’ll leave that up to our listeners, but really – YES. Yes she was.

This week we return to Springwood, Indiana, home of ugly sweater enthusiast Freddy “Fred” Krueger. With the original movie’s protagonist Nancy MIA, Freddy sets his sights on new kid Jesse and his tight man cave (you know, his bedroom with the “NO CHICKS” sign on the door – it’s tight as hell). Jesse’s the consummate player: whether he’s getting pants-ed in gym class by his best friend, pounding free beers at the bondage bar, or watching his gym teacher getting whipped naked in the shower, it’s obvious he’s only got one thing on his mind – BANGING CHICKS. Sadly, Freddy Cockblock has to derail Jesse’s game with desert road trips, spontaneous avian combustion, and worst of all, breaking Lisa’s parents’ collector’s plates. After all this mess, it’s no wonder Jesse’s actor Mark Patton said, “I’m out!”

This week we return to Springwood, Indiana, home of ugly sweater enthusiast Freddy “Fred” Krueger. With the original movie’s protagonist Nancy MIA, Freddy sets his sights on new kid Jesse and his tight man cave (you know, his bedroom with … Continue reading →

Welcome to El Gato Grande, South America, where we take your dollars, your pesos, and your women! This week we follow the second(!) adventure of James Bond knockoff Duncan Jax in Order Of The Black Eagle, as he tries to join some G.I. Joe wannabes and take down a secret base of Neo Nazis with a giant laser and der frozen fuehrer. Honestly, how can Skyfall compete with a spy who escapes in a Da Vinci plane, drives a hydrofoil on dry land, and has a tank-driving, bird-flipping baboon as his partner? Easily. Very, very easily.

Here’s your DAPH! You know, your Dose of Awesome Podcast Hilariousness. This week Corey and I (DRC) have stumbled onto one of the true gems in the B Movie genre – 1988’s Mac And Me. This amazingly awful film has surpassed Troll 2 (at least for us) for the title of Best Worst Movie. A blatant ripoff of E.T. with the most insultingly blatant product placement I’ve ever seen, this film is awesome for all the wrong reasons. Meet the Cruises, a family that truly gives NO fucks. Mom Janet, who’s checked out more than the titty issues of National Geographic at the library, broham Mike, who gets it in like whoa and drives his van like it’s a stock car (because when your name’s Mikey Cruise, you just can’t lose), and little Eric, a handicapped boy who suffers more abuse from the filmmakers than Joe Swanson on Family Guy. Don’t be surprised if you end up wanting to start a flash mob at McDonalds when you’re done.

On this fine Halloween eve, Corey and I (DRC) review an interesting case study of infamous slasher Michael Myers. What happens when this legendary madman accomplishes all of his life’s goals, but gets pulled back into the game anyway? We get a movie about a guy who just wants to be left alone! Ol’ Mikey easily takes out the teenage trash, but hits a major snag when he takes on their leader – rapper/reality TV mogul/martial artist extraordinaire Busta Rhymes! If you’re thinking that this shitfest match-up killed the franchise deader than Tupac, you would be right. Let the Danger-tainment begin, fucka! WHAAA!!!!!

We’re back for round two! What do trying to pick up chicks with ice cream, answering the door at midnight for a pizza you didn’t order and thoughtlessly approaching a murderous puppet show have in common? They’re all things you’d do if you were a total fucking brain donor, of course! This week Corey and I (DRC) welcome you to Crescent Cove, California – home of the world’s stupidest people ever. It takes a special kind of person to not be able to escape from clowns that move like a morbidly obese man without his Rascal scooter, but somehow this town is full of them. While we didn’t find this one as amusing as last week’s selection, one things for sure – you’ll never look at Debbie Harry the same way again.

Welcome to the first episode of our podcast B Movie Breakdown! Corey and I, DRC, will be reviewing, discussing and demolishing the best (and worst) films the low budget world has to offer. This week we take on a now-cult classic, 1990’s Troll 2. Completely unrelated to its predecessor, Troll 2 is the story of a group of baller-ass bros out to fuck bitches and get money in the rural village of Nilbog, whose story is hijacked by a bunch of vicious vegans trying to force a suburban family to go green – literally.