Just maladaptive old tools. I miss loving sex not loving it but sex that is loving.

This fantasy I have of deep connected sex with presence and awareness, dead? Sex on pause at least. There has to be another male on this planet that fucks like I do *and* desires deep connected sex with heart? A parent in hospice, part of my education in practice. My book, Anthology of cockworship 101 Swallows, I am going to another platform for readings with opportunity for live personal readings. The publisher was a scam- the good news the manuscript is done, bad news I'm out $800. I'm testing my new recording booth. Thank you for being here☆

At 7:55 there is a brief noise disturbance sharing my dating disturbances. I won't talk badly about another just brief shares on my brief dating experiences. 2 irons in the fire fizzled. 1 remaining I have set boundaries for non attachment as he's not available. Play partner is missed been gone for the season and this has been a challenge for our dynamic. I went sailing and publishing a book in the formating phase- the book ;) Thanks for being here~

A lonely night she had some deep thoughts. Familiarity keeps company even if it's ill met. Trauma tied.

A break in the depression and I decide to do a brief reading.

Lots of changes im being challenged. Great listen if you hate me. And yet, I'm resilient. I know the day after my worst looks better.

I was so lost. Off centered. Weekend was rough. Returning home I felt I dropped. I am ready. Am I ready? I know to not decide anything in this condition. When I feel a need to cling to other, a monogamous hunger, means I am not centered. Hug trees and cried.

I'm doing the opposite today of being depressed. What does me laughing and loving look like again? Just fucking doing it.

Buddhist meditation/study weekend is here. Meditating for 7 hours a day, I'm experiencing hurt physically, mentally, emotionally. Have you sat for so long? I just left a session.

Wanting to wall up my heart, I sit with this discomfort. I'm not afraid of feeling this, you need not be afraid for me. Just sit and be with me while I watch this discomfort pass. I am okay with silence too, are you? If not, I have enough calm for two.