Behind The Smile with Ash Butterss

This week Ash sits down with Dave McGrath, a 47 year old carpenter and father who recently celebrated three years of sobriety. For a period of about nine months before rehab, Dave was living out of his car, seeing his daughter once every month or two, and losing himself completely to what he calls the alcoholic insanity. His rock bottom came in a friend's garage, staring at an extension ladder and a rope, before something in him snapped awake enough to call a rehab.

In this raw and honest conversation, Dave takes Ash through the chaos of early sobriety attempts that did not stick, the shame of losing contact with his family and his daughter, and the strangers along the way who quietly helped him find his footing, including a chance encounter on a footpath that led him to treatment. He also opens up about an unexpected and profound spiritual awakening in a church that changed the course of his recovery, and what it has taken to rebuild trust with the people he hurt along the way. This is a story about hope, redemption and never giving up.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Dave McGrath

03:21 The Photo: A Visitation Day With His Daughter

04:16 The Unmanageability of Alcoholic Insanity

05:55 The First Drink as a Child

09:30 Hating Who He Saw in the Mirror

10:41 The Craving He Could Never Control

15:14 Failed Attempts and Dry Spells

18:52 Cold Water Plunges at 2am

19:33 Rock Bottom: The Rope in the Garage

21:31 A Stranger on the Street Who Showed Him the Way

23:21 A Daughter Waiting at the Window

26:03 From Dry Drunk to Actually Working the Program

44:51 A Spiritual Awakening at Church

47:57 Daily Conscious Contact and Letting Go of Rage

50:21 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Retreats

The Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out More

The Embodied Woman 5 Day Retreat | April 21 - 25, 2027 | Find Out More

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027

Email [email protected] for more information

Follow and connect with Ash on:

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Megan Ashton, founder of Unity Breathwork and a leading voice for raising safety standards in the breathwork industry. Megan spent most of her adult life escaping herself, first through alcohol and bulimia as a teenager, then later through constant travel that let her outrun her feelings entirely. It took a devastating breakup, and a breathwork session in Bali, for her to finally crack open decades of unprocessed grief, so that she could start the long journey of finding a way back to herself.

In this conversation, Megan and Ash unpack what conscious connected breathwork actually is, why it so often brings up trauma the body has been holding for years, and what it means to build a practice around genuine safety rather than chasing catharsis. Megan speaks candidly about the childhood wounds that shaped her patterns of numbing, the importance of proper preparation and integration when facilitating breathwork, and her mission to make this kind of healing as accessible and understood as yoga. This conversation invites you to think about acknowledging the feelings you’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Megan Ashton

05:24 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in Nicaragua

07:32 Travel as an Escape Strategy

09:33 A Sensitive Childhood and the First Time She Numbed Out

11:17 The Slow Slide Into Bulimia

12:59 The Breakup That Broke Everything Open

19:57 Trying Everything Before Breathwork

20:27 The Bali Session That Changed Her Life

22:17 Discovering Her Mission in Conscious Connected Breathwork

24:07 What Conscious Connected Breathwork Actually Is

27:08 A Year of Crying: What Processing Really Looks Like

28:07 Letting Go of Expectations in the Practice

00:18 Why Safety in Breathwork Matters So Much

02:28 The Risk of Retraumatisation Without Proper Preparation

04:33 Grounding and Integration After a Session

18:11 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Connect with Megan through the links below:

Website: (https://unitybreathwork.com/)

Breathwork Facilitator Training page: (https://unitybreathwork.com/breathwork-facilitator-training/)

Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/unitybreathwork/)

Retreats:(https://unitybreathwork.com/breathwork-retreat/)

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Retreats

The Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out More

The Embodied Woman 5 Day Retreat | April 21 - 25, 2027 | Find Out More

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027

Email [email protected] for more information.

Follow and connect with Ash on:

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Tully Johns, a Melbourne based health coach who spent close to fifteen years working as a zookeeper before turning to helping people. For most of three decades, Tully carried the effects of childhood sexual abuse without a name for it, showing up instead as depression, anxiety, and eventually a PTSD diagnosis. It was only in his forties, after his brother came forward with his own memories and pursued a case against their father, that Tully began to understand what he himself had survived.

In this conversation, Tully shares what it was like to process decades of trauma later in life, the stretch of days he could not get out of bed that became his turning point, and the small, unglamorous practices that slowly rebuilt his life from the ground up. He and Ash talk about connection, letting people in, and what it means to parent well after having none of that modelled for you. This is a tender and deeply honest conversation about healing on your own timeline and choosing, every day, not to be defined by what happened to you.

Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of child sexual abuse, please listen with care. Support services have been included in the episode show notes. 

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Tully Johns

06:33 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile

07:00 Discovering the Abuse: A Four Year Old's Burden

14:11 His Brother's Case and the Public Fallout

18:13 Forty Years to Process What Happened

26:03 Finding Escape and Purpose Through Animals

32:05 The Catabasis: Hitting a Wall as a Stay at Home Dad

36:17 The Fake Smile That Started the Rebuild

38:16 One Word Journaling and Small Daily Wins

40:58 Movement as Medicine

45:57 Self Compassion Alongside Discipline

49:06 Reparenting the Four Year Old Within

53:01 Why Connection Changes Everything

01:00:40 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Connect with Tully using the links below: 

• Rebuild Body & Mind with Tully: https://www.skool.com/rebuild-with-tully-5411/about
• tullyjohns.com
• Recovering From Childhood Trauma - How I got my life back: https://youtu.be/r0BwXJvU59Q
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tullyjohns/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581593417290
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@tullyjohns

Support Services

If this episode has brought anything up for you, support is available:

• Blue Knot Helpline provides specialist support for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse. Call 1300 657 380.
• 1800RESPECT provides free, confidential counselling and support for anyone impacted by sexual violence. Call 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
• Bravehearts provides information and support relating specifically to child sexual abuse. Call 1800 272 831, Monday to Friday, 8:30am to 4:30pm AEST.
• Lifeline provides crisis support 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Call 13 11 14.

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Retreats

The Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out More

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027 

Email [email protected] for more information

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Suzi Raleigh, a recovery advocate and budding author who is now 32 years sober. Suzi started drinking at 13, was misdiagnosed for years with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and survived multiple psychiatric hospitalisations and several near death experiences before her father encouraged her to try 12 Step Recovery in 1993. She has not had a drink since.

In this conversation, Suzi shares what it was like to live with a loneliness she calls the ache, the moment her drinking finally stopped being explained away by mental illness, and how discovering codependency twelve years into sobriety changed the entire trajectory of her recovery. She and Ash explore what it really means to be a recovering rescuer, the boundaries work that continues decades in, and the unique approach Suzi now teaches through her upcoming book, naming, taming and nurturing the different inner personalities that drive addiction and codependency. It is a warm, funny and wise conversation about what it looks like to keep growing long after the drinking stops.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Suzi Raleigh

06:09 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile

07:25 Growing Up in a Pub and the First Drink at Thirteen

10:19 The Ache: Naming the Loneliness Underneath

12:04 The First Hospitalisation and Years of Misdiagnosis

23:04 Her Father's Suggestion and the First AA Meeting

25:01 What the First Twelve Months of Sobriety Looked Like

27:06 Becoming a Recovering Rescuer

28:48 Discovering Codependency at Twelve Years Sober

30:11 High Functioning Codependency and the Auto-Fix Reflex

37:21 Marrying a Man Twenty Years Sober and Growing Together

42:57 Naming the Inner Characters: Suzy the Floozy and Beyond

01:00:39 Reclaiming Little Tootie and Becoming Her Own Best Friend

01:05:25 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

You can connect with Suzi on her Tik Tok or reach out via email - [email protected] 

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Retreats

The Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out More

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027 

Email [email protected] for more information

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Support Services

If this conversation has brought anything up for you, please know you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is always available. You can reach out to Lifeline on 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support, Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 for mental health support and guidance, or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 for free counselling.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Katrina Loewe, a mum of three boys who lived 47 years in internal chaos before a spiritual awakening turned her life around. On the outside, Katrina had everything, a beautiful family, a beautiful home, and a life many would envy. On the inside, she was drowning in perfectionism, shame she had carried since her teens, and a growing disconnection from herself that eventually led her through four hospitalisations in the space of nine and a half weeks.

Katrina shares what it was like to hit a point where nothing external could fix her anymore, the moment she finally reached out for real help, and how meditation, connection, and a complete willingness to change gave her a life she had never known was possible. She talks openly about perfectionism, people pleasing, the shame of being away from her children while seeking treatment, and what it means to finally feel at peace in your own life.

This is a moving conversation about what transformation can look like when it has nothing to do with rock bottom in the traditional sense, and everything to do with finally coming home to yourself.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Katrina Loewe

05:14 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile

08:52 A Wholesome Childhood and the First Signs of Not Fitting In

13:14 A Difficult Family Holiday and Years of Carrying Shame

26:20 Becoming a Stepmum, IVF, and Chasing "I'll Be Happy When"

30:52 Suffocating Behind a Perfect Life

33:22 Losing Her Father and the Grief She Never Processed

36:43 The Trip Around Australia and the Start of the Unravelling

38:04 When Drinking Crept In

40:53 Four Hospitals in Nine and a Half Weeks

46:13 The Instagram Post That Changed Everything

51:20 What Her Relationship with Alcohol Looks Like Today

57:19 Releasing the Shame and Living Without Apology

01:00:16 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:

The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Upcoming Retreats:

The Embodied Woman | Gold Coast | April 21 - 25, 2027

A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027

Email [email protected] for more details!

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fresh from running her retreat in Bali, Ash is back with another solo episode exploring  why so many of us feel disconnected from ourselves, and how a simple daily spiritual practice can help us step off the hamster wheel and come back to what truly matters. Inspired from the practices she was sharing on retreat, Ash shares what sadhana really means, the difference between filling your life with more things to do and creating practices that genuinely support you, and how meditation, pranayama, breathwork, yoga and stillness can become part of your everyday life.

Ash also takes you behind the scenes of the retreat, from temple visits and Agni Hotra to kirtan, floating sound healing, sauna, cold plunges and the power of sisterhood. She reflects on how sobriety and recovery opened the door to a life she once could not have imagined, and why she now considers facilitating retreats her dream job.

This episode is for anyone who feels exhausted from constantly doing, achieving or performing, yet still feels as though something is missing. You do not need to attend a retreat or completely overhaul your life to begin. Transformation can start with ten quiet minutes, one honest question or a single practice that brings you back to yourself each day.

Ash also shares details of her upcoming retreats in Bali, Melbourne and the Gold Coast, including the newly announced A Sacred Return retreat in 2027.

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:

The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Sanjay, a father in recovery who has been sober for 21 years. Born in Uganda, raised in London and now living in Melbourne, Sanjay grew up watching his father drink before taking his own first drink at fifteen. He spent the next two decades chasing that initial feeling through alcohol, drugs and gambling, while his life quietly unravelled behind the scenes.

In this conversation, Sanjay shares the unexpected moment a psychiatrist broke through every wall he had built, what it took to finally surrender, and why getting sober was only the beginning. He opens up about losing his father to alcoholism, navigating divorce without returning to old behaviours, and the role yoga and spirituality have played in helping him continue to grow.

But the real secret to Sanjay’s 21 years of sobriety has been getting out of himself. Through service, connection and giving back to the recovery community, he has found a sense of purpose that has carried him through every season of life. This is a warm and honest conversation about why sobriety cannot be sustained in isolation, and how helping others may be one of the most powerful ways we help ourselves.

Episode chapters:

00:08 Introducing Sanjay

04:39 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in London

07:48 Growing Up: A Father's Drinking and Life on Eggshells

10:49 A Refugee Identity and the Feeling of Not Belonging

13:07 The First Drink at Fifteen and Why He Loved It

17:15 Chasing the Feeling: Rave Culture, Drugs and Excess

19:37 When the Consequences Started to Show Up

23:57 Rock Bottom: Isolated, Broke and Calling Crisis Lines at 2am

26:22 The Health Insurance Letter and the Road to the Priory

29:02 The Psychiatrist Who Saw a Little Boy

31:06 Surrender Day: January 13, 2005

36:50 What Happened Inside the Priory

38:12 Building the Foundation: Big Book Recovery and Service

52:43 Whack-a-Mole: What Comes Up When You Put the Drink Down

56:47 Yoga, Chanting and the Practices That Quieten the Noise

59:35 What Recovery Looks Like 21 Years In

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:

The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Dr. Edith Shiro, a clinical psychologist and author who has spent more than three decades working with trauma survivors, refugees, and communities navigating profound adversity. She is also the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors and Syrian refugees, and that lived experience sits at the heart of everything she does.

In this conversation, Dr. Shiro and Ash explore what trauma really means, how it shows up in perfectionism, people pleasing, dissociation, and addiction, and why so many people move through life not realising they are carrying wounds at all. 

Dr. Shiro also touches on her five-stage framework for post-traumatic growth, including the science behind why spirituality changes the brain and how individuals can transform their pain into purpose. 

We will all experience trauma in some form. This conversation is about what you choose to do with it, and whether you allow it to define you.

Episode chapters:

00:22 Introducing Dr. Edith Shiro

02:03 What Trauma Really Means

03:35 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn

06:32 Minimizing Trauma: When You Don't Think You Qualify

07:56 Micro Traumas and How They Accumulate Over Time

10:22 Dissociation: The Protective Tool That Keeps Us Stuck

13:25 The Invisible Armor and the Emptiness Underneath

17:41 The Universal Wounds: Shame, Rejection, and Not Belonging

20:53 The Unexpected Gift of Trauma: The Book and the Title

23:06 Why Two People Can Experience the Same Trauma So Differently

27:47 Intergenerational Trauma and the Science of Epigenetics

29:29 Becoming the Intergenerational Alchemist

30:52 Radical Acceptance: The Hardest and Most Essential First Step

31:43 The Parallel Between Stage One and Step One

36:21 Why We Lie: Fear, Shame, and the Double Life

39:10 Why Spirituality Is Essential for Post-Traumatic Growth

41:45 Turning Pain into Purpose

45:55 Dr. Edith's Own Spiritual Practice

49:25 There Is Hope and There Is a Way Out

Connect with Dr. Edith below:

Instagram 

Website

Linkedin

The Unexpected Gift of Trauma: The Path to Posttraumatic Growth by Dr. Edith Shiro

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:

The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Mark Purser, a yoga teacher, meditation guide, and founder of the Yogic Meditation Institute, based in Byron Bay. With over 20 years of study across almost every major yoga tradition, Mark brings a rare depth of knowledge to his teaching. But behind all of that wisdom is a story of years spent swinging between intense spiritual practice and alcohol, trying to find a way out that didn't involve fully surrendering.

In this conversation, Mark shares the moment his last drink became his last, alone in a national park on his birthday with no phone reception and a choice to make. He and Ash explore the relationship between yoga philosophy and 12-step recovery, the power of stillness as a daily practice, and why Yoga Nidra remains the one tool he would never give up. This is a conversation for anyone looking to understand what it really takes to build a life rooted in meaning, community, and presence.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Mark Purser

03:29 Life in Byron Bay: Surfing, Tango, and Sadhana

07:04 How Tango Became a Moving Meditation

10:00 Scent of a Woman and the Seed That Was Planted

12:07 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in Byron Bay

15:15 Yoga Without the Inner Work

18:31 The Tango Class, the Pub, and the Night It All Unravelled

21:28 Being a Dad and the Shame of a Blackout

26:29 The Last Drink: Alone in the Bush on His Birthday

29:44 Choosing Sydney Over the Pub

31:49 The Balance Between Horror and Hope

33:05 A Cousin 35 Years Sober and the Power of Living Proof

35:29 Why Ash Resisted AA and What Changed

37:13 The Gift of Desperation

45:00 Where Yoga Philosophy and the 12 Steps Meet

51:48 Why He Still Needs Help After 15 Years

53:44 The Stillness Practice and Why It Changes Everything

57:45 Yoga Nidra: The One Tool He Would Never Give Up

59:39 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Connect with Mark below:

www.bambooyogabyron.com 

Instagram

Podcast: The Gentle Revolution

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:

The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Getting sober gave Alexandra McRobert more than freedom from alcohol, it gave her the clarity to explore who she truly was. Despite having dated men and previously being married to a man, it was during a deep meditation that Alex came to the life changing realisation that she was a lesbian.

Alexandra is a yoga teacher, author, and founder of the Mindful Life Practice and Mindful Bali Yoga School. She got sober in 2019 after years of drinking her way through life in the Middle East, where securing her next drink had quietly become the centre of everything she did.

In this conversation, Alexandra shares how sobriety created space for her sexuality to unfold, the assault that cracked her life open and propelled her to build the yoga shala she had always dreamed of, and why she created the sober community she wished had existed when she needed it most.

Alexandra and Ash also explore the profound overlap between yoga philosophy and the 12 Steps, and what becomes possible when you stop numbing long enough to hear the truth of who you are.

TW: This episode contains discussion of assault.

Episode chapters:

00:00 Introducing Alexandra McRobert

03:09 Life in Ubud: Yoga, Pilates and Kirtan

04:34 How Bali Called Her In

06:19 A Marriage That Lasted Two Months

09:08 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in Morocco

11:42 When Alcohol Consumes Everything

13:08 The Rock Bottom in a Classroom in Abu Dhabi

16:12 Deciding to Get Sober on the Plane Home

18:00 Getting Sober Without Traditional 12-Step Access

19:54 Finding Community Through an Online Sobriety Group

22:35 How COVID Gave Birth to Sober Girls Yoga

24:02 Why Yoga and Sobriety Are the Same Thing

26:23 The Yoga Sutras and the 12 Steps

28:19 Ahimsa and Satya: Love Everyone and Tell the Truth

30:07 Building a Life and a Business in Bali

32:00 Being Drugged and Assaulted: The Turning Point

34:33 Building the Shala and Starting Kirtan

36:11 Trusting the Universe Over the Plan

38:19 How Alcohol Shaped Her Relationships and Marriage

40:19 Coming Out as Queer

43:11 The Vipassana That Changed Everything

51:48 Kirtan, Meditation, and Moving Through Self-Hatred

55:45 Craniosacral Therapy and What the Body Holds

58:01 What Daily Life Rooted in Presence Looks Like

01:02:13 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic Life

Connect with Alexandra below:

Check out Alexandra’s Substack here. 

Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.

Upcoming Workshops:

The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets Here

Join Ash on retreat in 2026!

Rest and Renew Holistic Retreat in Bali | August 2026

Follow and connect with Ash on: 

⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterss

TikTok @behindthesmilewithashb

Website⁠ www.ashbutterss.com

Watch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.