Beyond the Beaded Curtain

Episode 7: Boys in the Sand (1971)

Two milestones this week! This is our oldest movie, and even more important, it’s our first gay movie! Just in time for Pride--and Fathers Day too, I guess?--we’re branching out and talking about a gay porno classic. And spoiler alert: we liked it! Or at least, we liked it as much as we liked any of these movies. This is another beach romp, of sorts, but not nearly as zany.

Cast:

http://www.iafd.com/title.rme/title=boys+in+the+sand/year=1971/boys-in-the-sand.htm

Full Movie, with director’s commentary:

https://xhamster.com/videos/boys-in-the-sand-1790666?pb=

Look: we didn’t really know what we were getting ourselves into. We just found ourselves in the mood for a zany beach romp, and ended up with this low-rent James Bond knockoff featuring Brook Bond, Agent DD7. (Get it? The DD is for boobs. The 7 is for James Bond, probably?)

Bond is sent to the Bahamas to thwart Mr. Big. Mr. Big plans to send his hench-ladies to seduce various world leaders. Bond’s plan? Seduce all the ladies first, we think? Or something?

You will not find this episode in anyone’s hall of fame.

Cast and Crew:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0128750/

Full Movie:

https://tubepornclassic.com/videos/21914/thunder-boobs/

Starship Eros is probably going to get erased from the internet once the folks at Disney notice how much the sex robot Quasar resembles a certain protocol droid, but until then, enjoy! In the distant future--1995!--Commander Moon splits her time between tracking Amazoid fighter ships and masturbating in chairs. Look: it’s a high-stress job, and she needs to unwind.

Starship Eros hasn’t received any significant critical acclaim--we just chose it because we’re here for any and every bit of space porn we can find. Got a favorite? Tweet @dirtyvhs and we’ll check it out!

Cast and Crew:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0149126/

Full movie:

https://xhamster.com/videos/starship-eros-1980-restored-7721545

Welcome to the Breastiverse! Legendary bad-movie director Jim Wynorski has filmed at least a half-dozen softcore flicks all in the same cabin somewhere in the woods of California. We’re trying to figure out where the cabin is--maybe it’s on AirBNB? Until then, we’re enjoying Wynorski recycle the same locations, the same actors, and pretty much the same stories film after film.

Unfortunately, our first two episodes about Wynorski’s terrible, terrible movies have been lost. The cause? Well, the government would have you believe it was a simple case of rookie recording mistakes. We’re pretty sure it was a curse. We’ll let you decide for yourself.

But, BtBC super-fans (or Pozzies, as we like to call you) may want to investigate a couple of other terrible Wynorski late-night cable classics: The Witches of Breastwick and Lust Connection. Both intersect with The Breastford Wives in ways that make the experience more interesting. Not exactly “good” but more interesting, at least.

This one isn’t on anyone’s list but ours. We got started with Wynorski movies because we wanted to watch something with megastar Stormy Daniels, who’s one of the titular witches in The Witches of Breastwick. We’ll see a good Stormy Daniels movie eventually--we promise.

Cast and crew:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014796/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Full, movie, if you can stand it:

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph58306e99da5b8

So, after World War 3, the planet became radioactive, and almost everyone died. It gets worse: most of the survivors are “sex-negatives” who can’t even get to first base without becoming violently ill. The poor neggies spend their nights at Café Flesh, where sex-positives perform elaborate, theatrical sex-shows on stage. This probably only sounds half as weird as it looks.

Café Flesh certainly has lofty aspirations. But is it worth a watch? Yeah, kinda, if you don’t mind that it’s not particularly, like, sexy?

Café Flesh is in both the AVN 101 list and the XRCO Hall of Fame.

Cast and crew:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083707/?ref_=ttls_li_tt

But you know you’d rather just watch it, right? It’s ok. You can admit it. We don’t judge.

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5996ff75aa782

Wow. This is a tough one. Less a porn and more a bleak tale of abuse and addiction told through sex-scenes, Her Name Was Lisa is proof that pre-internet porn is wild, but pre-VHS porn is another thing entirely. Great performances by Samantha Fox and Vanessa del Rio—and a number of choice blazers—help this movie go down more smoothly despite the film's dark tone. Lisa's rape in the middle of the film isn't even the darkest part—her spiral into drug addiction after is what really got us.

 Her Name Was Lisa is on both the AVN's list of 101 classics as well as the X-Rated Critics Organization Hall of Fame.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_members_of_the_XRCO_Hall_of_Fame

 Full cast and crew:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079290/?ref_=ttls_li_tt

 Or watch the movie yourself:

https://xhamster.com/videos/her-name-was-lisa-1979-7023357

Episode 1: Farmer's Daughters 1986

What do you do when your farm isn't making enough money to pay off your mortgage? A chance encounter with a traveling porn-salesman proves inspirational to down-on-his-luck farmer Sam Miller. Soon Sam is able to to pay back the bank, and all it takes is filming his daughters having sex.

This is our first episode! So please be kind. And, it's probably our last episode with Ron Jeremy! "But isn't he in basically every adult film from the 80s and 90s? How could you possibly avoid him?" Good question!

https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/inside-ron-jeremy-sexual-misconduct-allegations-w511844

After recording this episode, we learned that RJ has a real-life history of acting like the grope-happy lechers he tends to play on screen. And besides that? We just don't like him that much.  Or this movie, for that matter.

Farmer's Daughters is on the AVN's "101 Greatest Adult Tapes of All Time List." And it's the first episode that we ever recorded. Arguably an even higher honor?

https://www.imdb.com/list/ls002475851/

Complete cast and crew:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0182099/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

You can even watch the whole thing if you'd like. But we wouldn't recommend it.

https://xhamster.com/videos/farmer-s-daughters-the-movie-1986-1251708