Beyond Your Default

“Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.” ― Parker Palmer

We've been dancing around the topic of self-care for a while now. Because, whether you're talking about understanding the line between genuine helpfulness and destructive self-sacrifice, or setting healthy boundaries for yourself in life and in relationships, self-care looms in the background. 

OK, "self-care looms" sounds more ominous than I intended, but I stand by it. Particularly since, much like our episode about toxic positivity, the conversation about self-care is also chock full of misconceptions, myths, and toxic online portrayals of what it means to get "self-care" right.

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In fact, self-care has become such a confused topic, even George openly admitted during this episode how skeptical he was when I handed over the outline for this week:

"I think why others and me struggle (with self-care) is because we don't have an action plan for it. Many times, we don't understand what it is. When I started to do the research (for this episode), I was like, 'Why are we even talking about this?' Liz, I slacked you and said, 'How do you feel about this topic? Are you excited about it?' I didn't understand what it really was."

Was I upset when he shared this? Absolutely not! 

Because what he and I both discovered is how he is the perfect example of why this self-care conversation is needed. What is self-care? What isn't self-care? Is self-care selfish or indulgent? These are the questions so many of us struggle to answer — heck, even me, and I'm fully on board the self-care train. (Choo-choo!)

⚡ Go Deeper: How to Set Healthy Expectations to Cultivate Confidence, + Self-Trust

Join George and I as we discuss the importance of self-care and the challenges people face in prioritizing it. We also explore the impact of upbringing on self-care practices and the misconceptions surrounding it. We examine the critical differences between self-care and self-indulgence, emphasizing the need for balance. We also share our personal favorite acts of self-care and provide advice for integrating self-care into daily life.

Self-Care Takeaways + Highlights

• Self-care is about nurturing and caring for oneself in order to thrive.
• Understanding and prioritizing self-care requires self-awareness and recognizing the importance of one's own well-being.
• Self-worth plays a significant role in one's ability to prioritize and engage in self-care.
• Guilt and lack of awareness can hinder one's ability to make self-care a priority. Self-care may not have been modeled or explained well during childhood, leading to challenges in prioritizing it.
• Self-care is not about neglecting basic needs or escaping reality; it involves nourishing actions that promote overall well-being.
• Self-care is necessary and not selfish; it is good stewardship of the gift we have to offer others.
• Finding the balance between self-care and self-indulgence requires self-reflection, mindfulness, and moderation.
• Start small, identify enjoyable activities, schedule self-care, and practice self-compassion to integrate it into daily life.

Questions We Discuss

• When we say self-care what do we mean? And why is it so important?
• How would we each describe our current relationships with self-care? Is it something we do well? Where do we struggle? Have we experienced issues with it in the past?
• Why do so many of us struggle to find time for (or create space for) self-care for ourselves?
• What isn't self-care?
• Is self-care selfish? And where do we draw the line between self-care and self-indulgence?
• How has social media negatively impacted our understanding of self-care?
• What advice do we have for folks who struggle to find ways to integrate self-care into their lives?
• Why is our ability to integrate self-care into our own lives so critical to our beyond your default journeys?

Self-Care Resources

• What is self-care? (with examples)
• The truth about self-care myths
• 5 things people get wrong about self-care
• Why self-care isn’t selfish
• Self-care isn’t selfish or superficial

Self-Care Quotes

“I lied and said I was busy.
I was busy;
but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself I am okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy -
and I will not apologize for it.”
― Brittin Oakman

“Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.” ― Parker Palmer

“Just when you feel you have no time to relax, know that this is the moment you most need to make time to relax.” ― Matt Haig

“I'm not asking you to walk in my shoes; I'd never wish my afflictions on anyone. But could you walk beside me on secure ground and reach to hold my hand?” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

The concept of possessing a servant's heart has its roots in religion, specifically Christianity: "The servant’s heart means to help others in love without expecting something in return, serving in appreciation of the gifts God has already given us." However, embodying a servant's heart ideal is universal, meaning one can lean into this way of life through a wholly secular lens. 

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We are moving beyond those traditional religious connotations for this very reason in this week's episode. The idea of servanthood — of being helpful and genuinely of service to to others — is a core competency that we must all develop in order to live a life that is beyond our default.

Our conversation examines the evolution of a servant's heart, as well as the critical role of self-care and setting boundaries in maintaining a healthy balance. We talk about the potential pitfalls of excessive helpfulness and the need for self-awareness in navigating the complexities of being of service to others — including my personal journey of addressing unhealed people-pleasing tendencies and my inclinations to "keep the peace" in emotionally unstable environments.

George and Liz also discuss the importance of self-awareness and avoiding burnout. We explore examples of genuine helpfulness and the concept of servant leadership, as well as practical steps for taking baby steps towards a more servant-minded life.

Our Favorite Helpfulness Tips

• Regularly check in with yourself to avoid burnout and prioritize self-care.
• Genuine helpfulness involves being proactive, honest, and transparent.
• Servant leadership focuses on the needs of others before considering your own.
• Start with small acts of kindness and active listening to cultivate a servant-minded life.

Questions We Discuss

• When we say "servant's heart" what does that actually mean? Conversely, what isn't a servant's mentality?
• George has made no secret of the fact that his mindset has radically shifted over the years. That he struggled with anger and working through feelings of "but where are my blessings" – when and how did that change?
• Why is helpfulness core to living a life beyond your default?
• How and when do you see "helpfulness" lapse into becoming problematic?
• How do you find a balance between being helpful and knowing when you need to help yourself?
• Where is the line between genuine helpfulness vs. people-pleasing and trauma-born attempts to regulate the emotions of a situation?
• What does genuine helpfulness look like in practice?
• If someone struggles to break out of a default that is more self-focused, how do we encourage someone to take baby steps toward a more servant-minded life?

“You have only to rest in inaction and things will transform themselves. Smash your form and body, spit out hearing and eyesight, forget you are a thing among other things, and you may join in great unity with the deep and boundless.” ― Zhuangzi

Last episode, we talked about one of the greatest challenges we all face when we go in search of true personal growth — knowing the difference between genuine optimism and toxic positivity. This week, we're digging into the other insidious extreme that seems to crop up in growth mindset circles, and that's a relentless pursuit of productive, proactive, forward movement at all times. 

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Choosing a course of inaction or stillness is often viewed as a cop out move, steeped in passivity. That's why quotes like, "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing," OR "The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything," from Theodore Roosevelt are so popular. 

Heck, we love those quotes, too. And if you've listened to previous episodes of this show, you know George and I are huge fans of being the proactive architects of our own lives through the adoption of an owner's mentality, making the choice to be the victor instead of the victim, and so on.

Still, we believe in balance. You cannot be moving forward at all times. Not every moment — particularly deeply emotional moments — should be met with brute force productivity. In fact, sometimes the best course of action is inaction. Sometimes the most radical way forward is to choose intentional stillness. 

⚡ Go Deeper: How to Set Healthy Expectations that Cultivate Growth, Confidence, + Self-Trust

In this episode, George and I share personal stories of how we've wrestled to strike that balance between productivity and stillness with profound results.

As George pointed out in our chat:

"Listen in the journey of beyond your default, stillness is not just about physical inactivity. It's a profound mental and emotional practice. It's about stepping out of the autopilot mode of existence and knee-jerk responses, and engaging with life in a way that is more conscious, thoughtful, and authentic."

Over the years, in our own ways, we've learned the hard way that action isn't always the best way forward, as well as what the consequences of failing to embrace moments of stillness truly are. So, join us for this illuminating conversation in which we uncover the power of stillness, of going within in pursuit of peace and personal growth. It's not always easy — that fine line between purposeful inaction and deferential passivity is a fine one — but it's essential.

Questions We Discuss

• Why was George quite literally bouncing with excitement about this episode?
• When have we learned the hard way that action isn't always the best course of action?
• How have we put moments of stillness into practice in our own lives, and what were the results?
• What is the difference between purposeful stillness and immobilized passivity that's going to bite you in the ass later on?
• What are we doing internally during that time of stillness? What purpose does inaction serve for us? Is it a catalyst for an internalized process?
• How do you know when stillness is the right choice?
• When do you know it's time to start taking action again?
• How do you handle it when folks react poorly to your choice to not take action? Where a reaction is wanted from you?
• Why is learning to be still such a critical part of the beyond your default journey?

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions." — Brené Brown

Toxic positivity is the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences. Here's what's fascinating about toxic positivity though. While verbs like "avoiding," "suppressing," and "rejecting" sound overtly negative, acts toxic positivity are cloaked in — you guessed it — positivity. 

Good vibes only! Everything happens for a reason! You can choose to be happy!  On the surface, these sentiments sound well-intentioned and, well ... positive.

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Good vibes are a good thing. Contextualizing circumstances as part of a greater narrative can offer a new perspective. We do have points in our lives where we need to make the conscious choice to pick ourselves up emotionally and move forward with the mindset of a victor rather than a victim.

However, there is a distinct line between possessing a growth mindset that is healthy and creates space for processing your emotions, and demonizing your emotions (positive and negative) as signs of inherent weakness or irrationality. Unfortunately, this line is becoming more blurry in personal growth, as well as entrepreneurial circles. 

⚡ Go Deeper: How to Set Healthy Expectations that Cultivate Growth, Confidence, + Self-Trust

And that's where our conversation begins. 

In this episode, George and I explore the aggressive push for emotional productivity and the insidious attractiveness of toxic positivity. Our conversation highlights the importance of acknowledging and honoring all emotions, as well as the need for empathy and understanding in supporting others. We also get real about our own struggles with toxic positivity — both as recipients and givers of toxically positive advice.  

Questions We Discuss

• Why is it so important to talk about toxic positivity in the context of personal and professional development?
• What are our personal experiences with toxic positivity?
• Why is there such an aggressive "push" to be 100% productive about our emotions all the time?
• How does toxic positivity manifest in spirituality?
• Where is the line being between toxic positivity, and genuine optimism and adopting a victor mentality?
• Why is it important for us to honor our feelings and emotions?
• How do these challenges manifest in how men and women are expected to handle/suppress their emotions at opposing extremes?
• How would you suggest folks respond to someone if they find themselves in t
• What is possible when we allow ourselves to experience our true feelings and emotions?

Toxic Positivity Resources

• What is toxic positivity and why is it so harmful? (ADAA)
• Toxic positivity at work (Science of People)
• How to handle toxic positivity at work (The Muse)
• A warning for leaders, don't confuse optimism and toxic positivity (Forbes)
• The toll toxic positivity takes on educators (NEA)
• Growth mindset vs. toxic positivity (Elizabeth Gardiner)
• Don't push away your negative emotions (The Atlantic)

Toxic Positivity vs. Genuine Optimism

Quotes About Emotions

"Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you." — Roger Ebert

“Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don't lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier.” ― Sabaa Tahir

“So often we're not allowed to feel upset--even for a minute--without the world rushing us to do something about it. But why can't I feel upset?” ― Allyson Dinneen

"Avoiding negative emotions is like trying to hide in the darkness; face them, and you'll find the light."
— Anita Moorjani

“Hope confronts. It does not ignore pain, agony, or injustice. It is not a saccharine optimism that refuses to see, face, or grapple with the wretchedness of reality. You can't have hope without despair, because hope is a response. Hope is the active conviction that despair will never have the last word.” — Cory Booker

“Contrary to popular belief, there are no negative emotions. There are only emotions that are harder to experience or that cause more distress for certain people. And the more you suppress those emotions, the harder they are to manage.” — Whitney Goodman

"Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday." — Wilma Rudolph

Feeling like you've failed at something sucks. But how should you handle and react to that failure? That depends on who you ask. In some of the more toxic positivity-loving pockets of the growth mindset crowd, you may be coached to overlook uncomfortable feelings, because to sit with your feelings is demonstrative of a weak mind who is unable to look at life through an unflinchingly "logical," growth-focused lens. 

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Of course, the other extreme isn't great either. Wallowing in self-pity, lapsing potentially into a victim mentality, and allowing failure to color your ability to move forward is also equally destructive.

As a process-loving gal, I love when there are a simple set of instructions to follow in complex situations — a playbook you can whip out, whatever the case may be, that will guide you through whatever wilderness you find yourself in. Unfortunately, that's not quite how failure works. 

Failures come in all shapes and sizes. In some cases, yes, we made a mistake, and we have to pick ourselves back up and take the lessons we've learned with us as we move forward. In other cases, we may not have failed at all, we just can't see the big picture yet.

⚡ Go Deeper: What It Means to Forgive Others (+ Why It Matters)

Or, we're going to look back on a "failure" as the best thing that ever happened to us. Heck, sometimes we only think we failed because someone told us we did — by their standards. In reality, however, we're doing just fine, and we should be listening to our own compass instead. 

So, this week, George and I dive into the deep end of failure. We share personal stories of failure, discuss the importance of grit and resilience, and talk about the importance of being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings. A great companion episode to this is our conversation about cultivating your ability to practice self-compassion and forgiveness. 

Questions We Discuss

• How did early failures in our lives color how we contextualized failure in our lives?
• How do we define our relationship with failure now?
• Why does failure hurt so much?
• How does the toxic positivity movement play into how some of us try to address our own failures?
• In hindsight, what failures in our lives were actually blessings in disguise?
• How do we handle folks in our lives who will always perceive us as failures, by their standards?
• What do you see as the key differences between folks who are able to bounce back from failures and those who get stuck?
• What's worse than failure? And what would a life completely devoid of failure look like?
• How can someone who struggles with fatalistic or catastrophic thinking work to shift their perspectives on the failures in their own lives?

Essential Companion Episodes

• Victim vs. Victor Mentality: Knowing + Living the Difference
  In the heat of the moment, when anger or fear flashes through our bodies, it can feel easier (healing or cathartic, even!) to point at the world and yell, "Why are you doing this to me?!" 
• Forgiveness, Part II: The Healing Power of Forgiving Ourselves
  Much like other "big life concepts" such as love and happiness, our ability to express and bestow forgiveness to others begins with our ability to find forgiveness and self-compassion within.

Failure Resources

• Why Some People Succeed After Failure When Others Flounder (Northwestern University)
• 7 Ways to Bounce Back Stronger After Failure (Forbes)
• How Do You Bounce Back from Failure? (AskReddit)
• How to Transform Failure into a Positive Experience (NIH)
• Strategies for Learning From Failure (HBR)

If you want to accomplish anything in life — achieve audacious goals, have healthy and loving relationships, cultivate meaningful connections, or even create some peace and freakin' quiet for yourself — you need to become a master of setting boundaries. But when we say "boundaries," what do we mean?

Well, we're not talking about ultimatums. We're not talking about avoidance of others. We're not talking about limitations either. Boundaries are a set of personal guidelines or rules you set as a beyond your default-living human to safeguard your well-being and your values.

🌱 Go Deeper: What Is a Growth Mindset, Really? (Fact vs. Fiction)

But why are boundaries so important? What do unhealthy boundaries look like? And how can you tell if you have issues with boundaries in your own life? On this week's episode of Beyond Your Default, George and I pull back the curtain on our own evolving relationships with boundaries over the years to answer these essential life questions and more.

Questions We Discuss

• When we say "boundaries" what are we really talking about? How are boundaries different from ultimatums, avoidance, and limitations?
• What's the difference between internal boundaries and external boundaries?
• Why are boundaries absolutely essential to this journey?
• What are some of the common reasons folks can end up having boundary issues?
• How have George and I struggled with boundaries throughout our lives? Were there any catalyst moments that pushed us to change our approach?
• How can folks tell if boundaries are in issue in their life?
• What does setting healthy boundaries look like?
• Look, sometimes setting boundaries will not always please people — what should those moments tell us?
• What is one question you want to challenge our listeners to think about over the coming week, when it comes to their own boundaries?

Signs You May Have Boundary Issues

• Overcommitting: Regularly taking on more than you can handle or feeling pressured to agree to every request or opportunity.
• Difficulty Making Decisions: Relying excessively on others for decision-making can be a sign of unclear personal boundaries.
• Tolerating Disrespect or Poor Treatment: Continually allowing others to treat you disrespectfully without addressing it.
• Feeling Overwhelmed or Drained: Consistently feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, especially after interactions with others, can indicate poor boundaries.
• Neglecting Self-Care: Consistently putting others' needs before your own to the point where your own well-being suffers.

Morning Routine Resources

• Establishing Effective Personal Boundaries (Vanderbilt Medical)
• Trust, Safety, and Respect (The Importance of Boundaries)
• 8 Signs Someone Has a Problem with Boundaries (Psychology Today)
• Toxic Behaviors: 12 Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries (Psych Central)
• 15 Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships (Marriage.com)

I did a little research and, according to "the experts," here are honest-to-goodness real recommendations of the things you should accomplish before 9 a.m.:

• Wake up anywhere between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m.
• NEVER, EVER hit snooze, only people wasting their life away hit snooze
• Workout at home
• Go to the gym
• Do yoga
• Or run three miles
• OR start with a mobility workout and then do a second workout of plyometrics
• Empty the dishwasher
• Do your morning skincare routine
• Complete your daily gratitude journal
• Then, if your faith is a priority, the Bible or pray
• Then complete your morning pages, if you subscribe to The Artist's Way
• Then read for 25 minutes from a book that enriches your mind
• Meditate
• Do positive affirmations in the mirror
• Eat a well-rounded home-cooked breakfast
• Or don't eat anything because you're fasting
• Or make a homemade smoothie with raw vegetables and fruits and vitamins
• Drink 32 ounces of water
• Review your emails and answer anything outstanding
• Make your plan for the day
• But also don't think about work at all, that's your time
• Give yourself a pep talk
• Do something that brings you joy, like reading a book
• Listen to a podcast while sitting under a light therapy lamp
• Take a hot shower
• No, scratch that, take a cold shower
• No, no wait – sit in an ice bath for no more than 15 minutes
• Complete a visualization for manifestation
• Go on a trail hike and watch the sun rise
• Make your bed
• Don't check your social media
• Go forest bathing
• Don't forget your kids! Make them a balanced breakfast and a lunch for school!
• Also, have you meal prepped? Might want to pop that roast in the slow cooker before you leave for your morning commute or move to your home office for the day.

Now, once you complete this to do list, you can start your day!

OK, to be fair no one suggested you should do all of these things before you hit 9 a.m. — and don't get me wrong there are a lot of good ideas on this list. But as we start this new year, with many of us eyeing personal growth and improvement as part of our roadmap going into 2024 (myself included), we need to have a conversation about how out of hand the idea of The Perfect Morning Routine ☀️ has become.

🌱 Go Deeper: What Is a Growth Mindset, Really? (Fact vs. Fiction)

There are so many "absolutely essential" recommendations out there for what we're all supposed to be doing each morning as go-getters who want more out of life than the status quo, it almost feels like we need an extra 24 hours before the sun rises to do everything we're supposed to do.

So, where is the line between a healthy morning routine and a morning routine that is toxic and unrealistic? And how do you make the right choices for your own morning routine? 

Questions We Discuss

• Respectively, what are our current relationships with the idea of a morning routine?
• What do our mornings currently look like, and how do we wish they would change? How have our morning routines evolved and adapted over time?
• What are the good, the bad, and the ugly reasons the growth mindset crowd is so freakin' obsessed with the idea of the perfect morning routine?
• What are the most toxic morning routine recommendations we've seen, and how can you tell the difference between a healthy morning routine idea and one that is toxic?
• How should folks with a growth mindset go about constructing their own morning routine? How can someone know what advice to follow and what advice to ignore?

Key Takeaways

• Morning routines should be personalized and sustainable, rather than following a one-size-fits-all approach. You need to be mindful and purposeful in your choices.
• The obsession with optimizing morning routines can lead to unrealistic expectations and increased stress.
• Designing a morning routine that aligns with personal goals and values is more important than following popular recommendations.
• Morning routines should focus on intentionality, flexibility, and setting oneself up for success.
• Consistency and prioritization are key in creating a morning routine that works for individual needs and lifestyles. Clean and organized spaces can have a significant impact on the quality of morning routines.
• When constructing a morning routine, it is important to personalize it based on individual needs, preferences, and goals.
• Approach mornings with intention and focus on simplicity and sustainability to create a nurturing and adaptable routine.

Morning Routine Resources

• Are these morning routine myths ruining your day (Early to Rise)
• The myth behind morning routines (Forbes)
• Morning routine statistics (Dream Maker)
• More morning routine statistics (Thrive My Way)

Quotes to Inspire Your Mornings

“Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams or wake up and chase them.”
— Unknown

“Meditate five minutes each morning and see it wake up your entire life.” ― Waylon H. Lewis

“Your energy in the morning is a clean slate, and you get a chance each day to build it up the way you want.”
― Mridula Singh

“There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing. It’s not a matter of time; it’s a matter of desire.” – Nina Yau

“Lose an hour in the morning, and you will spend all day looking for it.” – Richard Whately

“New morning, new moment of miracles.” – Lailah Gifty Akita

“The first hour of the morning is the rudder of the day.” – Henry Ward Beecher

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” – Marcus Aurelius

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year . . . It’s the hap-happiest season of all.”

So says a classic song of the holiday season. But is it?

A lesser known Christmas song by Dean Martin sheds a little light on what some folks — regardless of their religious affiliation — might be feeling this time of year, when commercials push family togetherness and talk of New Year's resolutions start in full swing:

The Christmas Blues by Dean Martin

The jingle bells are jingling
The streets are white with snow
The happy crowds are mingling
But there's no one that I know
I'm sure that you'll forgive me
If I don't enthuse
I guess I've got the Christmas blues

I've done my window shopping
There's not a store I've missed
But what's the use of stopping
When there's no one on your list
You'll know the way I'm feeling
When you love and you lose

I guess I've got the Christmas blues
When somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Christmas is a joy of joy
But friends, when you're lonely
You'll find that it's only
A thing for little girls and little boys

May all your days be merry
Your seasons full of cheer
But 'til it's January
I'll just go and disappear

Oh Santa may have brought you some stars for your shoes
But Santa only brought me the blues
Those brightly packaged tinsel covered Christmas blues
Oh Santa may have brought you some stars for your shoes

But Santa only brought me the blues
Those brightly packaged tinsel covered Christmas blues

This week, we're not pretending that, for some of us, this time of year is a jingle bell-decked cake walk. Instead, we're leaning into the discomfort, loneliness, and stress some of us may be feeling as we look ahead to the new year. Rest assured, if any part of those lyrics resonated with you, you're certainly not alone. Heck, the last thing this holiday season is for me this year is normal, so I'm right there with you. 

So, gather 'round, friends. Your feelings, whatever they may be (anger, fear, lack of connection), are entirely valid. Now, let's talk about how we can move forward through this season together — perhaps with different perspectives.

Questions We Discuss

• How do George and I struggle with the holiday season?
• What is it about this time of year that creates so much artificial pressure to be joyous and goal-oriented? How much of this pressure is external? How much of it do we create for ourselves?
• When you're just not feeling the holiday season, how do we navigate it? 
• Why do we have such complex feelings about New Year's resolutions?
• How would we encourage folks who struggle with New Year's resolutions, and the idea of a new year feels more overwhelming and daunting, to think about 2024? 

Key Takeaways

• Reframe your expectations and create new traditions during the holiday season.
• Take time for yourself and simplify your to-do list.
• Connect with your why and be honest about your feelings.
• Avoid the pressure to conform to societal expectations and focus on what brings you joy.
• Instead of setting New Year's resolutions, strive for continuous personal growth throughout the year. Change your perspective on New Year's and view it as a fresh start rather than a time to fix past failures.
• Set monthly goals instead of overwhelming resolutions.
• Align your priorities and expectations to ensure they are in harmony.
• Embrace the present moment and appreciate the progress you have made.
• Believe in yourself and make 2024 the year of self-love.

Holiday + New Year's Statistics

The holiday season sparks conflicting feelings as over two in five U.S. adults (43%) would use both positive and negative words to describe the holidays, and 72% agree that the holiday season can feel bittersweet. Four in five adults (80%) would describe the holidays in positive terms such as fun (50%), joyous (49%), or exciting (45%), while 63% would use negative words such as stressful (40%), overwhelming or exhausting (34% each).

To manage the stress of the holiday season, nearly nine in 10 adults who reported experiencing stress at this time (88%) said they have coping mechanisms that help them handle it. A majority of adults who experience stress (70%) said they are comfortable talking with others about their stress during this time—although only 41% said they actually do so—while others focus on strategies such as managing their expectations (38%), reminding themselves that the season will pass (35%) or volunteering to help others (16%).

Fewer adults said they turn to negative or potentially harmful coping mechanisms during the holiday season. Close to two in five adults who experience stress during the holiday season (38%) said they use negative coping mechanisms such as isolating themselves (21%), changing their eating habits by overeating or restricting their diets (16%), or relying on substances such as alcohol or nicotine to feel better (13%).

I want to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly. Do you typically view life as happening to you, or do you consider yourself in control of your life, an active participant in the events that transpire?

This question is the core of our discussion in this week's episode on knowing (and living) the difference between a victim's mentality and a victor's mentality in your life. The challenge, of course, is that a victor's mentality is a choice we have to make. And we don't make it once. We have to make it over and over and over, every single day — heck, sometimes multiple times a day.

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In the heat of the moment, when anger or fear flashes through our bodies, it can feel easier (healing or cathartic, even!) to point at the world and yell, "Why are you doing this to me?!" Then there are those moments where we are truly the victims of the actions of others, where holding others accountable is not only warranted but absolutely essential as we chart a path forward. 

That's why, when we look to live a life beyond our norms, our confining defaults, simply defining what a victim mentality is isn't enough to step into the mindset of a victor. Becoming a victor requires you to not only possess self-awareness and a willingness to accept responsibility, you also must practice forgiveness and compassion. 

And that is where our conversation begins.

Questions We Discuss

• What is a victim mentality vs. a victor mentality?
• How do you tell the difference between moments of embracing victimhood and rightfully holding others accountable?
• Is there such a thing as going too far AWAY from a victim mentality? Is there a time when it's OK to feel your feelings? Is there such a thing as taking too much upon your own shoulders?
• In that moment where you feel feelings of victimhood arising, where you're viscerally reacting to something rather than thoughtfully responding, how do you bring yourself back to center with a victor mentality?
• How do you measure success with your mentality?
• What is the difference you've seen in your life when you make purposeful strides toward choosing the role of victor in your own life, rather than the victim?
• Are you in an abusive relationship ... with yourself?

How to Cultivate a Victor's Mindset

When asked what someone can do to develop healthy expectations for themselves, George shared how important mindfulness, meditation, and journaling can be for this act of holistic self-discovery. The process for getting to know yourself should include:

• Empowerment: We must understand that while we can't control every aspect of our lives, we have significant influence, aka power, over how we respond to and interact with our life circumstances. This sense of empowerment fosters confidence and a proactive approach to life.
• Responsibility and accountability: Those who have or want a victor's mindset embrace responsibility for their actions and their lives. Rather than attributing their challenges or failures to external factors, they look inward to determine how they can change or adapt.
• Resilience and perseverance: Resilience is a hallmark of a victor's mindset. It's about bouncing back from setbacks and viewing obstacles as stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks.
• Positive and proactive attitude: As victors, we are characterized by our positivity and proactive nature. We don't wait for opportunities to come to us; we create them. This attitude drives us to pursue our goals with enthusiasm and determination, always looking for ways to advance and succeed vs. shutting down and giving up!
• Solutions-oriented approach: Rather than dwelling on problems, those of us who have or want to have a victor's mindset focus on finding solutions. This approach keeps us moving forward and prevents stagnation.
• Growth mindset: We have an entire episode dedicated to growth mindset, because it is a key to being a victor in your own life. I encourage you to listen to it, but as a sneak peek, it involves a commitment to lifelong learning and an openness to feedback and new experiences.
• Adaptability and flexibility: The ability to adapt to changing circumstances and to be flexible in the face of new challenges is crucial. As victors we understand that rigidity can be a barrier to success. We are willing to adjust our strategies as needed, demonstrating agility in both thought and action.

Questions to Ask During Tough Times

• Are you Focusing on Blame?

1. Do you often find yourself blaming others or external circumstances for your challenges and unhappiness?
2. When things go wrong, is your first instinct to look for someone or something to blame?

• How Do I View Challenges?

1. Do you see challenges as insurmountable problems or as opportunities for growth and learning?
2. When faced with a setback, do you feel completely powerless, or do you look for ways to overcome it?

• What is Your Response to Feedback?

1. How do you react to constructive criticism or feedback? Do you get defensive, or do you see it as a chance to grow?
2. Do you take feedback personally, or do you use it as a tool for self-improvement?

• Am I Ruminating on Past Hurts?

1. Do I find myself constantly thinking about past injustices or hurts?
2. How much of my energy and thoughts are consumed by past events?

• Do I Feel in Control of My Life?

1. Do I believe that I have control over the direction of my life, or do I feel at the mercy of external forces?
2. What steps am I taking to actively shape my life’s trajectory?

• How Do I Perceive Myself in Relation to Others?

1. Do I often compare myself to others and feel like I always come up short?
2. Do I feel like the world is against me, or that I am unfairly treated more often than not?

• Am I Open to Change and Growth?

1. Am I willing to change aspects of my life, or do I resist change even when it's beneficial?
2. Do I believe in my capacity to grow and improve?

• What is My Outlook on the Future?

1. Do I feel hopeless about the future, or am I optimistic about the possibilities ahead?
2. Do I have goals and aspirations that I’m actively working towards?

"Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations."
— Earl Nightingale 

The expectations we set for ourselves not only dictate what we are able to achieve, they also impact our internal personal growth, as well as our happiness. However, there is such a thing as unhealthy expectations — and the act of setting expectations for yourself is akin to charting a course with clear markers toward success while acknowledging your limitations.

🌱 Go Deeper: Cultivating a home from within to create the home we seek without

Over the years, both George and I have learned that establishing healthy expectations that cultivate growth, self-trust, and confidence involves finding a delicate balance between ambition and reality. It's not about restraining your aspirations but about ensuring they are achievable and sustainable.

But it's also important to remember that peaks and valleys along the way, as you live out your expectations each and every day, are something we all encounter. You can't compare yourself to others, and we've both learned how important it is to focus on our own path, with clear boundaries around how much we let others influence us. Some days are better than others. Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are inevitable.

🌱 Go Deeper: Adopting an owner's mentality in your own life

Healthy expectations act as a buffer, fostering resilience and enabling you to navigate challenges with greater fortitude. But how do you create healthy expectations? How do you set yourself up for success with aspirational expectations that align with your values but don't set yourself up for failure? And how do you manage the deprogramming aspect you may need to undertake if you've struggled not to fall prey to unhealthy expectations — either self-imposed or imposed by others?

In this episode, George and I explore these questions and more. Because the expectations we set for ourselves and live by are so essential to walking the path beyond your default.

Questions We Discuss

• Why is setting expectations so important in your beyond your default journey?
• How have the expectations you've set for yourself evolved or changed over the years? Do you expect more or less of yourself? Do you simply expect differently of yourself?
• What are examples of expectations you hold for yourself now, and how did you choose them?
• What's the difference between setting healthy and unhealthy expectations?
• What are the best ways to strike a balance between the influence and input of others, and making the right choices for ourselves, when it comes to setting healthy expectations?
• What is an exercise someone can do to develop the right set of expectations for themselves that challenge them to reach without setting them up to fail?
• What do you do when you fall short of expectations? How do you get back up again?

Exercises to Set Expectations

When asked what someone can do to develop healthy expectations for themselves, George shared how important mindfulness, meditation, and journaling can be for this act of holistic self-discovery. The process for getting to know yourself should include:

• Reflect on your past experiences, because before you can determine where you want to go, you need to define clearly where you right now and how you got here.
• Align your expectations with your values and abilities, so you can root your expectations in your moral compass and your current competencies, skills, and reach.
• Be realistic and flexible, and never forget that you're human. As we talked about on a previous episode, you should revere your own humanity and be kind to yourself on this journey.
• Focus on effort, not just outcomes. Celebrate the journey you're taking, and remember showing up each and every day to try your best is a big win. Yes, outcomes matter, but so does your commitment. 
• Practice self-compassion, because you will not be perfect every single day. None of us are. Sometimes you will fall down. Sometimes you will make mistakes. That's OK. Be self-compassionate and keep going.

Other Resources

• Suggestions for setting realistic expectations for yourself (Psych Central)
• How to set realistic expectations + expert recommendations (The Thirty)