Beyond Your Default

“I am always doing what I cannot do yet. In order to learn how to do it.” — Vincent Van Gogh

Inevitably, when you have conversations about growth of any kind – personal or professional – someone will toss up the need for a "growth mindset."

• To achieve your dreams, you need a growth mindset.
• To advance in your career, you need a growth mindset.
• To be a great leader, you need a growth mindset.

And so on, you get my point. 

However, this conversation (much like our discussion about possessing an owner's mentality about your own life) leaves the door open to a lot of questions that are often left unanswered. What exactly is a growth mindset anyway? What do most folks get wrong about it? And what does life look like if you choose to operate with a fixed mentality?

Living beyond your default requires a growth mindset, and today we are going to dig deep into what that looks like. 

As George put it so eloquently in this episode:

"If you live with a fixed mindset, how can you dream the big, amazing dreams that lead you to set goals and create habits and best practices to get you on that path to the future? That path to a life beyond your default! 

If you have a closed mindset, you most likely are not listening to this podcast — but if you are, please work on the transition from a closed mindset to a growth mindset. Or, if you feel like you are straddling the fence between the two, make the jump to a personal growth mindset for your personal development and empowered living!"

Questions We Discuss

• Why does this conversation matter? Why is it so important for us to pause and discuss with specificity what a growth mindset is and isn't?
• What is a growth mindset? And what does it look like when you don't have one?
• What are some of the characteristics of folks who possess a growth mindset?
• I know the journey from fixed mindset to growth mindset is one you've walked. Can you tell me about a time in your life where you felt challenged to embrace a growth mindset?
• Similar to our previous conversation about owner's mentality, the idea of an "growth mindset" also has a dark side – a toxic side – what does that look like, and how should it be avoided?
• A growth mindset is a choice, but how can one cultivate a growth mindset within themselves? Are there specific steps they can take?
• What is the cost of living with a fixed mindset?

Growth Mindset Framework

During this episode, George shared his 12-point framework for purposefully and thoughtfully cultivating a growth mindset:

• Embrace Challenges
  View challenges as opportunities to learn and grow rather than as obstacles to avoid.

• Be Patient
  • Patience is a virtue!
  • Patience, persistence, and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success." - Napoleon Hill

• Stay Persistent - (Consistency)
  • Cultivate resilience and perseverance in the face of challenges, setbacks, and doubts.

• Learn from Setbacks
  • Analyze failures as valuable lessons and stepping stones toward improvement.

• Effort is Key
  • Understand that effort and hard work are essential for progress and mastery.

• Embrace Experimentation and Focus on Process
  • Concentrate on the process and the journey, not just the end result.
  • Practice makes perfect. "Practice makes permanence!" (Eric Thomas)
  • Solve Problems

• Continuous Learning = Curiosity and Creativity
  • Continue improvement
  • Seek out new knowledge and skills to consistently expand your capabilities.

• Set Healthy Expectations
  • What do you expect from yourself?
  • Aim for 1% better each and every day!

• Get to Know Yourself Better and Embrace Positive Self-Talk
  • We did a whole episode on how you talk to yourself about yourself! 
  • Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations that reinforce your abilities, strengths, and potential.

• Celebrate Progress
  • Acknowledge and celebrate even small achievements along your journey.

• Inspire Others
  • Share your growth experiences and inspire others to adopt a growth mindset.

• Embrace Constructive Criticism
  • Use constructive criticism as a means to refine your skills and performance.

Anger, like fear, is a tricky emotion. 

It's necessary. It's unavoidable. It can be directive. It can also be destructive, depending on how much we let it control our decision-making and rule our lives. What's also interesting about anger is that it is often a Trojan horse, masking what true emotional stakes are at play in a given situation:

Source

Whether anger is the true emotion we're feeling or a cover for what our real feelings are in a given situation, it's important for us to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship with anger. 

⚡ Related: Mastering Fear to Understand + Harness Your Emotional GPS

Because when our relationship with anger goes unchecked, it can wreak havoc in our lives. Anger can harm relationships, derail our goals, and make it near impossible to live a life that extends beyond our defaults. But when we do make peace with anger, learn to understand its true purpose in our lives, and begin to see what anger can teach us, so much more becomes possible. 

As Mark Twain once said:

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

And that's what this episode is all about.

Questions We Discuss

• What has our relationship been with anger over the years? 
• Have you ever experienced a moment in your life where you realized anger was playing an outsized role in your life?
• Like fear, anger can often become a ruling, destructive force in our lives … how does that happen?
• Why is understanding our relationship with anger critical to living beyond your default?
• Is there ever a case for anger, where it’s a valuable feeling that should be honored?
• How do you tell the difference between healthy bouts of anger and moments of anger you need to move through?
• What questions or strategies do you look to in your day to day life, when it comes to managing or moving through feelings of anger?

Key Conversation Points

• George shares stories from his life that taught him how to reframe the anger he was feeling, as well as what we learned from the process of allowing himself to experience true emotional pain.
• George also shared his RAIN framework for working with anger — Recognize it, Allow it, Investigate it, and Nurture it.
• We discussed breathwork, calming self-talk, visualizations, and restorative yoga practices as great practices for managing moments of anger.

How George Challenged Himself

When George started to notice the relationship he had with anger, he turned the high-powered microscope he had pointed at other people on himself. He did this by asking himself pointed questions, including:

• Who am I?
• Who have I become?
• How do I want to show up?
• What part did I have to play?
• What lessons can I learn?
• Who do I want to be?

Once George had the answers to those questions, then and only then could he pay attention to the words of Lee Iacocca, who said: "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive."

You see, once you have your answers to those questions, you can turn your historical anger into the positive energy you need to make the long journey you are on to a better life, to self-fulfillment, to a life beyond your default.

Other Resources

• How to use anger as a force for good
• Control Anger Before it Controls You
• Anger might help you achieve your goals
• Understanding and Processing Anger

Scripture

"Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

"So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple courts, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, 'Get these out of here!'" John 2:15-17

"Hold on, let me grab my notebook!"

If you've listened to Beyond Your Default for any length of time, you've likely caught George and I saying this to each other during our conversations. That's because, like you, we're walking our own Beyond Your Default paths. Like you, we are doing our best each and every day to live a more meaningful, purposeful, and authentic life.

We don't think of ourselves as masters preaching from upon high, with every lesson we need to learn as humans on this earth completely in our rearview mirror. Quite the contrary! We consider ourselves works in progress. 

⚡ Go Deeper: The Healing Power of Forgiving Ourselves

That's why we invited Don Stanley (whom you'll learn more about below!) onto the show for our first Work in Progress check-in episode.

Unlike our regular episodes, in which George and I talk to each other about very specific and well-defined topics, our Work in Progress episodes put both George and I in the hot seat with Don, who will talk to us about how our own Beyond Your Default journeys are going. 

• What have we learned?
• Where are we struggling?
• What are we looking forward to?

These are some of the questions you can expect us to explore as we take you behind the scenes for a raw and honest look of what we're working through. In this first Work in Progress check-in, specifically, we discuss self-forgiveness, fear, and the circles we're building for ourselves. 

Meet Don Stanley, Our Interviewer

Don Stanley is an internationally recognized digital marketing and sales coach, speaker and university educator. As the co-founder of Wisconsin-based 3RhinoMedia, he has personally guided a wide array of clients ranging from Fortune 500 companies, professional athletes, start-ups, non-profit organizations and solopreneurs through the ever-changing digital marketing and sales landscape. During his 20+ years in business and in higher education he has worked with hundreds of businesses and thousands of students.

Don is often asked to share his perspectives on digital media and he has been featured on some of the top business blogs in the world including the Content Marketing Institute, the Content Marketing Academy and Mark Schaefer’s BusinessesGrow.com. He also has been featured on TV, radio and media including Marketplace Radio, This American Life, ABC News, CBS News, NBC News, USA Today, Sports Illustrated, and he is a regular guest on numerous podcasts. In addition to his work at 3RhinoMedia, Don is an award-winning faculty member at the University of Wisconsin-Madison where he teaches courses on social media and digital marketing.

Key Conversation Points

• Don's role in the Beyond Your Default family. 
• What has surprised George and Liz about their own Beyond Your Default journey since they hit record on the first episode. 
• The greatest challenges George and Liz have faced thus far on their Beyond Your Default journey — from reactions of our listeners and the uphill climb as you approach success, to the impact our conversations have internally and how much we needed this podcast for ourselves.
• Reflecting on episode 9 about relationships, George talked about the careful circles of friends, family, and community he's cultivated to stay grounded, as well as the thought leaders and mentors who shape his thinking.
• Calling back to episode 15's topic of self-forgiveness, Liz shared her struggles and breakthroughs with self-forgiveness through her abusive upbringing, divorce, and rebuilding her life from scratch.
• George recalled themes from episode 11 about fear by opening up about the fears he's currently wrestling with, as well as how he's working through them.
• Liz talked about how she works to ground herself through the massive life changes she's been moving through this year — as well as the massive differences between our perceptions of what grounding is supposed to look like vs. what it actually looks like. 

"Hey, I made it home safely!"

I fired off that text message just before midnight on Sunday night, as my face was in a state of free-fall, hurtling at top speed toward the soft pillow on my bed. I was exhausted. After a long weekend of shenanigans and making memories out of state with a few close friends, I had finally made it back to Connecticut in one piece. 

⚡ Related: What Is Beyond Your Default? (The Start of the Journey)

Here's what's funny about that text message. I hadn't used the word "home" to describe where I've been staying since ... well, March of this year? Maybe even February?

For those who've been listening to the podcast for any length of time, that's not brand new information. Earlier this year, I smashed the "detonate" button on my life. I got a divorce from the man I had been with for more than 15 years. I moved away from Maryland to Connecticut. And on and on. It's been a year of change, of forced fresh starts, of taking charge, of leaping into the unknown in very big ways ... and also intense feelings of being unmoored and adrift. 

Belonging nowhere. 

In places, never quite "of" them.

Then, with little to no fanfare, and no particular catalyst moment I can identify ... suddenly my short-term rental tucked away in the shadow of Yale Hospital in New Haven became a home. But it was a sensation that had less to do with my surroundings and more to do with a sudden warmth and knowing I felt within my heart. 

⚡ Related: Mastering Fear to Understand + Harness Your Emotional GPS

And that's what this episode is all about. The idea of "home" is different for each of us. But how do we define home? What are the mindsets and ideas one can embrace to create that sense of belonging that we crave, as humans, so deeply? Join George and I as we explore the home within that's waiting for each and every one of you.

Questions We Discuss

• What does it really mean to be at "home" somewhere? 
• What is the difference between a house and a home?
• How is finding a home a choice we make?
• What do happiness, originality, mastery, and evolution come together within to help us create a sense of home and true belonging?

Key Conversation Points

• By the time George had turned 15, he had moved 15 times. So, his relationship with the idea of home — as well as how he defines it — is different than most. He learned to cultivate that sense of belonging within at a young age.
• What do academics say about home? It's a place to entrust your sleep. It's a symbol of ourselves. It's a firewall against chaos.
• What do our body and spirit have to do with the idea of home? This is essential to understand, as it unlocks our ability to live beyond our default. Our body is the building, but our spirit (mind) is the real home.

Key Conversation Points

• "A house is built by wisdom, and it is established by understanding; by knowledge, the rooms are filled with every precious and beautiful treasure."
  ― Proverbs 24:3-4
• “I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”
  — Maya Angelou
• “Home isn’t where you’re from, it’s where you find light when all grows dark.”
  ― Pierce Brown, American author

If you've spent any time in entrepreneurial or startup culture circles, the concept of "adopting an owner's mentality" is likely not new to you. Plenty of founders and C-suite folks in those spaces often will talk to their employees about the importance of approaching their work with an owner's mindset.

⚡ Go Deeper: What Does It Mean to Truly Forgive Ourselves?

In some cases, it's a good thing, as it can help employees contextualize their actions in a way that helps everyone move forward, instead of thinking of themselves as autonomous contributors. In other cases, it's a more toxic way to set the conditions for folks to overwork themselves, in the name of "thinking like an owner."

What's interesting, however, is that this idea of "owner's mindset" is completely absent from discussions about our personal lives. Sure, there's plenty of conversation around avoiding a "victim mentality," but what does it mean to adopt an owner's mentality — the proactive, positive flip side of that coin — in one's own life?

And, in doing so, what opportunities, resources, and possibilities can suddenly become available to us? This is exactly what George and I explore in this episode. Because living a life beyond your own current default state only becomes possible when you are willing to take the steering wheel of your own life.

Questions We Discuss

• What does it mean to adopt an owner’s mentality in ones own personal life?
• Why do we think this idea is so prevalent in the professional spaces but not personal?
• What are catalyst moments in our lives where we challenged ourselves to adopt an owner's mentality?
• What does having an owner’s mentality in one’s own life look like in practice? 
• What is the difference between owning, renting, and borrowing in our lives?
• How can someone determine if this is an area where they need a little extra TLC?

Welcome to part two of our conversation about forgiveness. As we shared in our last episode, we noted a distinct and organic trend emerge through some of our previous topics.

Whether we were talking about good ego vs. bad ego, cultivating relationships in our lives, or wrestling with fear, George and I noticed some element of forgiveness was required to move through these opportunities and challenges to truly create a pathway toward living beyond your default.

⚡ Go Deeper: What It Means to Forgive Others (+ Why It Matters)

In the first part of our conversation on forgiveness, we started with the external expression of forgiveness. More specifically, we focused exclusively on what it means to forgive others. We explored what forgiving others can (and should) look like, what it doesn't look like, and what benefits we reap as a result of leaning more into a mindset that embraces forgiveness.

Of course, our ability to forgive others is only one part of the forgiveness equation. Much like other "big life concepts" such as love and happiness, our ability to express and bestow forgiveness to others begins with our ability to find forgiveness and self-compassion within.

Today, for the second part of this conversation, we are turning inward to reflect on the importance of forgiving ourselves, as well as what it looks like in practice, and how it helps us propel forward.

QUESTIONS WE EXPLORE

• When did George first realize forgiving himself was part of the package deal, so to speak, when it comes to living a life beyond your default?
• Why do so many people struggle to forgive themselves?
• What about those moments where we may feel forgiving ourselves isn't enough – we also need the ability to atone or perhaps desire the forgiveness of others?
• How does our ability to forgive ourselves correlate to our conversation regarding the language we use to talk to ourselves about ourselves? And why does recognizing this connection matter?
• What are some of the benefits we've experienced as we've learned to be more forgiving with ourselves? And what does the science say?
• How can we tell the difference between moments when forgiving ourselves is required and when it's not because we've actually done nothing wrong?
• What does forgiving ourselves look like in practice?
• What advice does George have to those who are truly struggling to find a way to forgive themselves, perhaps because they feel they are beyond redemption?

Over the past few episode's we've covered a number of fascinating and thought-provoking topics meant to propel us to living a life beyond our default:

• Maintaining a healthy relationship with our own ego, good ego vs. bad ego, and what to do if we let our ego get the best of us.
• How important it is to be mindful of the language we use to talk to ourselves about ourselves, and how this can directly impact how we move through the world.
• Reshaping the role fear plays in our lives based on our unique experiences, so it doesn't become a destructive force.
• The importance of the relationship we cultivate with ourselves, as well as the relationships we cultivate with others.

What's interesting about these topics is that, although they are distinct topics – each very much deserving of their own dedicated and focused conversation – George and I noticed a pattern emerging as we talked through them.

⚡ Go Deeper: What does it mean to live Beyond Your Default?

At some point, your personal journey tackling each of these opportunities and challenges will involve some element of forgiveness — whether that means we need to forgive someone else or, most of all, we need to forgive ourselves.

For instance, the language we use to talk about ourselves to ourselves can skew in a deeply negative way if we don't view ourselves worthy of self-compassion or forgiveness. On the other hand, the quality of relationships with cultivate, nurture, and maintain with others will almost always inevitably require us to forgive others.

Because of the complexities of the topic of forgiveness, it's impossible for us to cover it in a single episode. So, over the course of the next two episodes, we will be exploring both sides of forgiveness coin in depth.

We begin our adventure into the land of forgiveness a conversation of what it means to truly forgive others, why the forgiveness of others matters, and what it looks like in practice.

Questions We Explore

• Why is our ability to forgive others tied so deeply to our ability to live a life that extends us beyond our default?
• How has George's relationship with forgiving others changed over the years?
• What are the benefits each of us have realized in our lives as we've integrated a more forgiveness-forward mindset?
• What disparities do we see between what the true definition of forgiving others and how most folks tend to define it?
• What makes it's so hard for some of us to truly forgive others?
• How do we approach sensitive situations (trauma, abuse, etc.) where victims can embrace a forgiveness mindset without needing to absolve or engage with bad actors in their lives?
• What are the most important questions someone should ask themselves if forgiving others is an area of their lives in which they struggle?

We've spent the past few conversations exploring the our ability to reach beyond our defaults and norms from the perspective of those who struggle to feel good about ourselves, or don't find it easy to trust or bet on ourselves.

However, there exists another extreme at the other end of the spectrum. A word that is hotly debated in terms of its worth, as well as how much an overdose of it can be highly problematic in our lives.

And that word is EGO.

The idea of our ego is highly polarizing. It's hard to hear the word without immediately flinching at an imaginary boardroom supervillain whose ego steamrolls every single person around them ... or those bad first dates where you spend 3 hours listening to someone talk about how amazing they are, without them ever asking you a single question.

⚡ Related: What Is Beyond Your Default? (The Start of the Journey)

But the reality is that our ego is meant to play a critical role for us mere mortals, when it comes to our psychology. It's the "I" lens through which our life experiences are filtered through – it's how we establish our sense of self. It's only when it's unchecked that we can potentially start running amok in our own lives (and, potentially, the lives of others).

So, that's what we're going to tackle in today's episode – the curious case of the good ego vs. the bad ego, how to know when you've gone too far, and what to do when you realize you've grown too big for your britches. George also shares a powerful story involving a motorcycle you won't want to miss. 

Questions We Explore

• When you hear the word "ego," what first comes to mind? What are the accurate or flawed assumptions we make about the word?
• Why does this conversation matter so much when it comes to the idea of living beyond your default?
• What is the difference between good ego and bad ego? When does our ego play a vital role in our psychology?
• How do you think well-meaning folks end up trapped on the wrong side of the ego spectrum? Even with the best of intentions, it can happen!
• What value does your ego still hold for you in every day life ... when you're on the right side of the spectrum?
• How do you bounce back from trips down the wrong side of ego lane?
• How do you keep yourself in check now when it comes to your ego? Are there certain questions we ask ourselves to keep ourselves centered?

It doesn't matter whether we consider ourselves introverts, extroverts, ambiverts, or some other yet-to-be-discovered "vert," we humans are social creatures. But the one person we spend the most time talking to isn't our best friend, a parent, or a spouse.

Whether we realize it or not, that person we talk to the most is ourselves. Morning, noon, and night — consciously or not consciously; with mental pictures or with an inner dialogue; out loud or with our "inside voices" inside our brains – we are constantly chattering away to ourselves ... often about ourselves.

⚡ Related: Good Ego vs. Bad Ego and What to Do When You Need to Tame It

I'll be the first to admit that, when I catch myself talking to myself out loud when I'm by myself, I sometimes worry if I'm crazy. But for those of you out there who may be like me, there's tons of scholarship out there that shows talking to yourself (out loud or to yourself) is a totally normal way and often essential way to process thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Now, if you live alone (like I do), you may be more prone to do this out loud rather than simply in your head. However, the substance of your dialogue with yourself about yourself (referred to as "self-talk" by many) matters quite a bit:

• Self-reinforcement: "I am prepared for my talk, it will go great tomorrow!"
• Self-management: "Don't forget to call the bank today."
• Social assessment: "When I ask him out, he will likely say yes."

But what if we don't default to more neutral or positive talk tracks about ourselves?

• "I sounded ridiculous during that call."
• "I can't ask him on a date, why would he EVER want to date someone like me?"
• "Of course I forgot to call the bank today. I can't trust myself with anything."
• "Why did I volunteer for this presentation?! I'm going to make a total fool out of myself."
• "I'll never amount to anything, why even bother trying?"

On its surface, these are just words, right? Not quite.

We've talked about this throughout a number of episodes so far, but the language we use to talk to ourselves – particularly about ourselves – is tremendously important. The words we use to describe ourselves and our surroundings dictates how we think about ourselves and our surroundings. From there, our actions take over, in accordance with those thoughts.

That's why this week, we're digging into the linguistic relationships we have with ourselves, and how simple shifts in our self-talk can have a massive impact on our ability to live beyond our default.

Questions We Explore

• How has George's relationship with the language he uses to talk about himself shifted over the years?
• What was the turning point that made George realize that the language he was using to talk to himself about himself had a dramatic impact on his life?
• What do our day-to-day self-talk rituals look like in practice?
• How do you think well-meaning folks end up trapped on the wrong side of the ego spectrum? Even with the best of intentions, it can happen!
• When do we find it the most challenging to keep the language we use about ourselves positive? How do we combat those more challenging moments?
• You talk a lot about everyone having the ability to CHOOSE THEIR DAY based on the language they use – what does that mean?
• What becomes possible when we are more mindful about the language we use with ourselves?

Everyone has a different relationship with the concept of fear; our own lived experiences shape what kind of role it plays in our lives, as well as how large that role is. Regardless of where on the spectrum we fall with fear, the one thing all we humans have in common is that, fear can all too easily become a destructive force in our lives if we're not careful.

The challenge, of course, is that (in the heat of those moments) imagined fears can feel all too real. Fear doesn't come from nowhere, right? We learn to be afraid – right or wrong – through life's trials and tribulations, millennia of biological programming as humans, and (in some cases) real-life traumas that can take years to work through.

⚡ Related: The Power of Language to Shape Our Destiny

In some cases, the fear we experience in our lives can come from traumatic experiences or relationships that can take years (even decades) to acknowledge, understand, and overcome. I'll be honest, as I share in this episode, fear is something I struggle with for this precise reason. 

Before you know it, those moments of crippling doubt and paralyzing anxiety can transition like lightning from a temporary dance with an imagined boogeyman that we move through, to a self-destructive halt in our lives – keeping us confined to "the devil we know," the "default" state that keeps us from truly living. Instead of moving forward, we succumb to fear-driven stories that keep us trapped.

This deeply personal and nuanced topic is an important one to have, which is why we knew we had to talk about it. The path each of us walks with fear is a deeply personal one, with certain fears sometimes easier to overcome than others. Let's at least take this first step together, as one. 

Questions We Explore

• When was the last time you were afraid to a degree that resulted in self-sabotage or complete paralysis?
• How would you define your relationship with fear today?
• One of my favorite things George says about FEAR is actually an acronym: "False Evidence Appearing Real" – and we talk about what that means!
• Why is it important for us to understand how easy it is to succumb to fear?
• While there are obviously nuances to how everyone should approach fear in their own lives, based on their experiences, what are some of the ways in which you address bouts of fear in the moment when they come up?
• Why is the language we use to talk about fear to ourselves so important to moving through fear?
• How does trauma factor into this discussion, where more than simple self-talk exercises are required to move through the fear traumas can create?