Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP56 (Numbers 32 - 33) The Lord of Hosts recounts his hellish Christmas party gigs. Then they talk about how to become a man in a hot tub. In the Bible the Jews cross the Jordan river and conquer more territories. Of course god gets angry about something and it makes him aroused.

Ep55 (Numbers 29 - 31) Caleb describes his trip to the hipster cyclist cafe. It was a catastrophe. In the bible the slow to anger god demands the Israelites destroy the Midianites for letting their women have sex with the Jewish men.  On god’s instruction they burn down the Midianite cities and take all the virgin women as slaves. Kyle slanders Mother Teresa. One of the unfaithful asks us about the feminist bible. It’s dumber than it sounds.

EP54 (Numbers 27 - 28) Guess what? More offerings. Caleb tells some rugby stories. The bible has some progressive ideas about what women are allowed to make vows about. The unfaithful discuss the ethics of mega churches and televangelists.

EP53 (Numbers 25 - 26) Kyle gets misogynistic about women and he hates dogs. Caleb gets misogynistic about women drivers. We dive right into an orgy with the Moabites. God, who is slow to anger and abounding in forgiveness of rebellion, is, of course, SUPER jealous and commands Moses to kill the leadership. Then while they are weeping a man brings a woman to bang in his tent. God strikes down 24,000 people with the plague. So a descendant of A-A-Ron stabs them both with a spear. Joshua is selected as the new leader of Israel.

EP52 (Numbers 23 - 24) The unfaithful muse about child rearing. Biblically, we return to the story of Balaam who gets eternally blamed for doing exactly what god says. The king offers Balaam money to curse the Jews but Balaam is a gangster and blesses them instead. After the meaningless blessings, Israel has an orgy in the shadow of the false God Baal. Needless to say, god is pissed. Some great listener emails this week.

EP51 (Numbers 21 - 22) The Israelites are on the warpath. After a they make bargain with god to “utterly destroy” these people they immediately forget and complain about food. Abounding in loving forgiveness, god sends venomous snakes to remind those dildo’s who is in charge. Luckily they create an idol to look at so they can be healed. Then the lords nomads wander into and destroy Sihon and Og. Then the king of Moab hires Balaam, a sorcerer, to curse the Israelites. Unfortunately he works for the lord god. Then god gets angry at Balaam for doing exactly what he told him to so he sends an angel to kill Balaam. A talking donkey prevents this.

Bonus EP01 In this podcast the prophet Stacey Campbell (who is also Caleb’s mom) came to talk to us. As it is her first visit we explore her background and how she became a famous prophet. Biblical themes are discussed such as speaking in tongues, god’s will, heaven and hell, and false god.

EP50 (Numbers 19 - 20) Caleb’s piece of shit car gets broken into. Kyle cross dresses as his dad for Halloween. We learn about the magic holy water that is used for making unclean things clean. The theoretical implications of the economics for living in a clean society put severe strain on the believability of this ridiculous tome. In this weeks magic display Moses gets water out of a rock. Edom denies Israel passage then A A Ron dies.

EP49 (Numbers 17 - 18) The lord of hosts recounts his trip to Nekrogoblikon. No its not comic con for goblins. With ashes of 250 people smouldering and 14,700 bodies rotting with the plague gods next trick is to make A A rons staff grow almonds to remind them who is really in charge. More duties and bullshit for levites to do. We also discuss the biblical morality of suicide and indian giving.

Ep48 (Numbers 14 - 16) Caleb has to open for Creed. The guy not the band. Kyle admits defeat in an argument about the origin of religion. The Israelites ignore the lord warnings and attack the Canaanites. They lose horribly. At this dramatic junction god takes a time our to remind us what kind of offerings he likes. Some poor bastard forgets what day it is and collects wood on Sunday and god commands the people to stone him. Some Jews think that Moses is lording over them and say as much. God goes full hulk mode and kills 15,000 people in his abounding forgiveness.