Bible Beaters – Canada Comedy

EP47 (Numbers 11 - 13) Caleb tries to clarify what he said earlier and the podcast devolves into a apologizing circle-jerk. In the bible the Israelites are getting sick of Moses’s Cushite wife so Miriam and A-A(ron) go to talk to him about. God, in his great mercy, strikes Miriam with a plague. The Jews finally make it to the promise land and send in a dozen spies to investigate. Ten men were bad and two were good. The spies say they can’t overcome the giants living there so the people rebel against Moses. God responds with typical loving kindness and sentenced them all to death.

EP46 (Numbers 10 - 11) The lord of hosts was a bit of a dickhead on another podcast. The lord commands the Israelis to party in remembrance of when god killed every firstborn child in Egypt. God then takes the form of cloud and misleads a million jews through the desert. God commands they make silver vuvuzelas and annoying everyone in his name. The Israelites set out from Mt. Sinai without their without the only guy who knows where they are. They become lost immediately.

EP45 (Numbers 8 - 9) The Beaters trudge into the social swamp of #metoo with some really progressive ideas. Next Moses receives a bunch of free stuff on behalf of god setting up the template for corrupt televangelists everywhere. Then a big list of names and stuff that is quite hard to read because god is testing us. Then god tells the Levites to shave each others assholes.

EP44 (Numbers 5 - 7) You heard it here first! Golf is not a sport. We discuss some of the historicity of the Jews wandering the desert. Have you ever wondered if your woman is unfaithful? Use this test:1. Create holy water, 2, write a curse and rinse the curse in the water, 3 Make her drink it. God says this will induce a miscarriage if she’s guilty. Next if you wanna be a next level follower of god (Nazarite) don’t cut your hair. If somebody dies next you, your life is ruined.

EP43 (Numbers 1 - 4) The Unfaithful begin the book of numbers and it begins with a very interesting and long winded list of names. Kyle tries his hand at reading and he's bad at it. Apparently 1.2 million Jews wandered 260 Km for 40 years which seems plausible. Caleb advocates removing women’s suffrage before dismantling democracy completely. The bible lists the duties of the holy men amongst the tribe and its mind numbingly repetitive. Then we consider the practical implications of living in a Jewish camp in the dessert.

EP42 (Leviticus 25 - 27 ) Finally we finish Leviticus! First, Caleb bitches about how poor he is and Kyle is covered in poison ivy. God tell us to give the land a sabbath and introduces the concept of jubilee. Kyle thinks this is evidence that some smart guy wrote this. Blasphemy! Jubilee gives the Jews rules for buying and selling land and people. Turns out men really are worth more than women and Jesus wasn’t sold at full price. We discuss some high minded slavery and prison related ideas with tact. Then god tells what good things will happen if we follow his laws followed by a page death threat if we do not follow them.

EP41 (Leviticus 23 -24) Kyle goes to the greatest concert of the 1990’s. In the bible we learn about god’s festivals that he wants us to celebrate (shambala doesn't count. It's not even the real bala!) The festivals have some weird rules for example waving a lamb at god before killing and burning it. It’s important not do do any work during festival season also. Then we learn about a curly haired croc fucker who insults god must get stoned and not the good kind. Right after god tell’s his people to throw rocks at a person until he dies god reminds us that anyone who takes the life of a human being must be put to death. In closing we get a couple good emails sparking conversation on the nature of god and free will vs god's will.

EP40 (Leviticus 22) If you want to jump into the middle of the podcast this episode is for you. Kyle MC’s his friends wedding and nearly ruins the big day. Caleb reports on his “fishing” trip to Kitimat with his weird dad. Caleb then masterfully summarizes the bible up to this point. Then god tells us he will kill people who make offerings when they are unclean which is all the time. We learn that god will not accept sacrifices or people who are disabled. This leads to a philosophical conversation on faith and losing one's faith.

EP39 (Leviticus 17 - 19) The Beaters got hate mail! Sorta. Biblically, nepotism begins to show itself when Moses tells the Israelites that sacrifices can only be made to the Levites. Kyle gets hung up on the biblical rituals because they don’t provide any powers. Then, the bible bans all kind of sex stuff rendering the incest porn trend illegal. Kyle admits to his undying love of the Spice Girls. Finally, we get some actual good advice from the bible. It only took 39 episodes.

EP38 (Leviticus 20 - 21) God tells us what to do to people who break his decrees. Usually, its some horrible method of death such as stoning or burning. Kyle and Caleb get pretty side tracked talking about 3rd world executions and many ignorant claims are made. The podcast gets progressively grosser as the bible describes what to do zoophiles. Priests have some special rules under god because they make is food. That’s right god needs to eat. For example god doesn't want any daughters of priest becoming prostitutes, disabled priests because hes a dick like that. A listener writes a fantastic email comparing Kyle to Moses.