BibleCast420

11: Don’t come to Dinner after Busting your Nut
 // Leviticus 21-27

Laura and Kiernan dig deeper into the ancient rules and punishments of Leviticus, reminding our viewers that like the pirate code, these are really more of guidelines than rules. 

• God tells Moses about all the rules that Priests have to follow
• God says Priests can’t trim their beards, should burn non-virgins to the death, and shouldn’t let people offer food if they have blemishes
• God tells Moses that they can’t accept offerings from people who don’t wash their hands, or masturbate, or have leprosy
• God tells Moses that people who just came can’t come to dinner
• God Says Offerings of animals can’t have blemishes etc either, don’t touch dead things.
• God outlines some festivals, some last a whole year
• God says all debts are canceled after 50 years
• God says no Israelites for slaves, slaves can only be other peoples 
• God reiterates the 10 commandments and what happens if you don’t follow em 
• God explains how you can pay money as a vow offering instead of sacrificing a person, and gives a price list in silver for what various people are worth
• God has Moses lay out some rules for assessing offering-mortgage values for land 

10: Don't be Gay Wizards
 // Leviticus 11-20

Kiernan and Laura review more of the biblical rules and play a shoddy quizgame about all of the animals you are not allowed to eat

In this Episode:

• God tells the Israelites what animals they can  and cannot eat
• God teaches the Israelites how to be clean 
• God teaches the Israelites how to handle leprosy
• God teaches the Israelites how to handle penile discharge
• God teaches the Israelites how to handle periods / vaginal discharge
• God outlines the rules of the Day of Atonement, practiced today
• God tells the Israelites not to kill animals in secret (gotta share)
• God tells the Israelites to not look at our family members naked or do incest
• God tells the Israelites to not be gay, have sex with animals, make zonkeys, or be wizards
• God tells the Israelites that if a man rapes another man’s slave, he can be forgiven
• God tells the Israelites to treat foreigners as family
• God reminds the Israelites again to not look at our family members naked or do incest

9: To Slaughter a Goat
 // Leviticus 1-10

Laura and Kiernan celebrate the holidays with a special episode around a campfire, discussing the best biblical ways to slaughter livestock in the name of the Lord

In This Episode:

• Laura burns herself on a campfire
• Kiernan and Laura share their story of attending a christmas church service
• God tells Moses to tell the Israelites how to offer animals to God by Burning them
• Kiernan and Laura tell Laura’s mom about a violin party
• God details how to properly clean and dismember animals before burning them as an offering
• God details how to prepare Wheat offerings
• God details how to Burn goats as a sign of friendship
• God details how to slaughter bulls in order to purify the temple of sins
• God details how to slaughter a ram as reparation for accidental crimes
• God says to own up to your actions but also don’t be a snitch
• God details how to splatter Aaron with blood to make him a priest
• God details how make a pile of dead animals to repent for his sons
• Kiernan and Laura try to convince Laura’s brother to bring us cookout 

8: Divine Furniture and How to Build it
 // Exodus 24-40 
 
Laura and Kiernan close out Exodus with some Ikea instructions that require some pretty ornate requirements.
 
In This Episode:

• Moses sprinkles the Israelites (for extra flavor)
• Moses camps out on a mountain for 40 days
• God gives Moses instructions for some divine furniture
• God gives Moses instructions for a special tent
• God gives Moses instructions for an elaborate altar
• God says Aaron is gonna be the priest 
• God tells Moses to bathe Aaron, dress him up real swanky, and sprinkle a bunch of goat blood and guts on his face
• God ransoms the Israelites with a tax for being alive
• God calls dibs on incense as “his smell” so don’t make incense perfume
• Aaron makes a cat out of some gold (okay a calf) 
• People LOVE that gold cat and have a party 
• God tells Moses that isn’t allowed and the Commandment tablets break
• Moses orders the Levites to crash the party, 3000 people die
• God reminds people they cannot look at Him or they’ll die
• Moses Remakes the tablets
• The Israelites do all the furniture and temple stuff God said to do

7: There were a lot more than 10 commandments
 // Exodus 15-23
 
 As we continue following the Story of Moses and the Gang, Moses andAaron have to lead the israelites after the exciting victory at the Red Sea. But the wilderness presents its own issues, such as where to feed thousands of people.

In This Episode:

• The Israelites sing a song with Aaron’s Sister Miriam
• The Israelites complain about water so God gives them tasty wood (?)
• The Israelites complain about food so God gives them Manna and… quail
• The Israelites complain about water again so God has Moses hit a rock with a stick (which makes water)
• Moses wins a battle by holding up his long hard rod of God
• The Israelites wander in the Wilderness
• The Israelites gather at Mt. Sinai
• God dresses up as a cloud and gives them a lot of rules
• Some rules make general sense, some are really bizarre and specific, and some are downright inhumane.
• Thousands of years later, we pick and choose which rules we want to keep, and use these to our own benefit. 
• Mostly we talk about the first 10 which are really 13 that we combine in different ways to be 10.
• Slavery is bad, (even though the bible doesn’t say so here)
• The Israelites sacrifice some shit and get ready to make some elaborate furniture

6: Moses was the Better Wizard
 // Exodus 1-14 
 
 As we make our foray into the 4-book story of Moses, Laura and Kiernan ponder the misinformation acquired when we speculate ANY history, centuries after the fact.

In This Episode:

• Unrelated, Plato was thicc
• The Israelites were oppressed
• Moses kills a guy
• Moses asks Pharaoh if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• That makes things worse
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Magic Snakes) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Blood) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Frogs) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Gnats) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Flies) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Boils) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Hailstorms) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Locusts) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Darkness) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• Moses asks Pharaoh (With Death) if the Israelites can have a 3-day vacay
• The Pharaoh asks the Israelites to leave
• The Israelites leave 
• Pharaoh changes his mind
• Moses drowns the Egyptians
• Aaron was here too

5: Joseph was a great Animated Movie
 // Genesis 37–50 
 
Kiernan and Laura finish the book of Genesis with the famous story of Joseph, discussing family drama, meanings behind dreams, and the accompanying underrated animated motion picture.

In this Episode:

• Joseph has a nice coat
• Joseph tells his brothers about a dream they dislike
• Judah’s son has a cumshot intermission
• Joseph’s brothers throw Joseph in a pit
• Joseph’s brothers sell Joseph to slavery
• Joseph goes to prison for being a piece of ass
• Joseph tells the other prisoners about their dreams
• The Pharaoh asks Joseph to explain the Pharaoh’s dream
• Joseph becomes VP of dreams
• Joseph saves Egypt from famine
• Joseph’s brothers need food so he fucks with ‘em
• They all cry and make up
• Happy ending
• Kiernan and Laura want a reuben 

4: Jacob was a Lil' Bitch
 // Genesis 29-36
 
In what we've branded as a "Post-Covid Re-Record Special" (because we lost the first episode), Kiernan and Laura enjoy some cheese snacks in 2021 and reflect on the wiley bamboozles of this biblical con-man.

In this Episode:

• We read the packaging of some great snacks  
• Jacob tricks his dad Isaac & screws over his brother Esau
• Jacob dreams about a ladder
• Jacob works 7 years to marry his cousin
• Jacob marries the wrong cousin
• Jacob works another 7 years to marry the first cousin
• Jacob's four wives try to have the most babies
• Jacob scams his father-in-law and takes all his livestock
• Jacob runs away from Esau but Esau says we're cool
• Jacob wrestles with... someone?
• Jacob's daughter Dinah is assaulted by the prince
• Jacob sells Dinah to the prince, on the condition that the Prince circumcises all the males in the city
• The Prince circumcises all the males in the city
• Dinah's brothers kill all the males in the city
• They leave
• God tells Jacob that his name is now Israel, but we keep calling him 'Jacob' anyway because it's confusing

3: Isaac was also a Cuck
 // Genesis 21-28 

Sit back and relax as we finish the story of the Abraham, father of the year, and his Son Isaac, who didn't fall far from the tree. 

In this Episode:

• Isaac is born
• Abraham almost sacrifices his son, Isaac
• Sarah Dies 
• Isaac marries his cousin Rebekah
• Abraham dies
• Rebekah has Jacob and Esau
• Jacob tricks Esau 
• Isaac tries to cuckold a pharaoh
• Jacob tricks Esau again 
• Jacob sees a ladder

2: Abraham was a Cuck
 // Genesis: 11-20

Come sit and enjoy our second foray into the biblical histories. Listen to Laura and Kiernan pass a bowl and question some of the stranger parts of Father Abraham’s Quest to Have Many Sons.

In this episode:

• Humans are unified
• Humans build a really big tower 
• God creates language 
• Abram tries to cuckold a pharaoh
• Altars; sacrifices
• Abram hands out circumcisions like they're candy
• Abraham gets a longer name
• God explodes some cities
• a gross thing happens in a cave
• Abraham tries to cuckold a pharaoh again