Can't tell if, from the ocean when the waves come in, if a sound is reflecting off the leaves shortly after, or if the waves are sort of creating a wind that's making the leaves make that sound that is equivalent to the ocean waves. So I hear the waves there. And then I noticed I could hear the waves behind me. And there's this direct interplay between the wave sound and the sound that the forest behind me is making. And maple trees. That's the only name of a tree I really know except for pine, pine, and maple. But one doesn't need to know the names of things in order to appreciate them, might be easier to appreciate them when we don't know the name. we're so busy worried about what the names of things are, and we're not looking at it. But as the waves get louder, the sound of the trees gets louder, too. And it's really fascinating discovery, I don't know if it's, the change in pressure that's causing that sound of the leaves or the wind or no can't really be the wind because unless wind is slightly coming in, or the air is changing slightly with each wave. And the air is counting is carrying the wave sound and then it's reflecting off the leaves and coming back. Sounds like such a boring thing to talk about, right? But when I heard that, when I realized that it was really a remarkable thing. It's something that I could sit here and observe for several hours, just that one fascinating aspect of reality, and I would listen in such a way that some point, I'd understand how it worked.

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So perception first the act of seeing, what are we looking at? Are we looking at life? What are we looking with? Are we looking at the past? And I wrote down the word super Hugh mania, manic mastery, master your creative perceptions. So when we go into consciousness or so called mania, all of a sudden, we are initiated into this process of creative perceptions meaning that the old loopy thoughts on repeat, aren't as much participating in our perceptions, we're seeing something new. So we're having these new words and memes and, and thoughts come into that. And it's challenging because it's a lot more information. And it's not necessarily a lot more information. But it is because if every perception is new, there's no repetition. All of a sudden, of course, that is a lot more information than having X amount information in the day, which then repeats the next day, in terms of thought loops, and much of what is in one day is repeated. So if everything is new, in a day, day, by day by day, one can get overwhelmed by the new because new perceptions create new gestures and behaviors, which then unfolds a different life. And the patterns of our life mixed in with the patterns of other people's lives, can make it a really bumpy ride. So we might have all these ideas about how we want to unfold our life, but other people's ideas about how we should be doing that, or how it's so different, and how we're acting so different, can be a barrier. So I came across the Krishnamurti quote, talking about utilizing the total activity of the brain, and that it has extraordinary capacity and energy. And when we go into map consciousness, I feel like we feel this. We actualize this, we feel the extraordinary capacity and energy of the brain that it has, that we don't necessarily unfold as our life on a daily basis. That is until we go into map consciousness. And can we ask fundamental questions? Can we move into living as an inquiry? And I'm wondering about that, as part of it. So that would be being in the forest and inquiring into nature and by doing so, developing a relationship with nature. So business based on asking fundamental questions to create neuro elasticity and fluidity, new perceptions, and new gestures, and creative perceptions and gestures of kindness, and finding out for ourselves what fundamental questions are. And for myself, I'm kind of wondering how I can live my life without all these papers, because I'm trying to write stuff down. And part of that would be perhaps doing live videos or something at some point, or live audios. And just speaking, whenever. But that's not possible at the moment, because I am going to design some kind of business. 

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Yesterday I edited videos while doing two laps of this park. This morning, I started pretending that I could design some kind of more succinct course, because I've talked to myself for probably going on 200 hours on video now. And I would think that I might be able to create something that as summarized, because it's a lot of me talking to myself. And I wrote this. And so I was trying to break it down into several parts. And the first one is safety. Because living in these new ways can feel unsafe at times. And it's a process that doesn't guarantee survival. And neither does daily life. Anything can happen at any moment. Whether one is going through some kind of transformational process or just walking down the street. So making it through isn't guaranteed and none of us are going to make it through at the end. But I feel like we can create safety for ourselves using different tools that make us feel safe when we can be very creative with this. What makes me feel safe and what's helped me over the last couple years is having some kind of PRN, anti psychotic, having also a zap strap so I can keep myself safe somewhere I keep my body safe if I start experiencing things that aren't really congruent in my mind. And then a lot of times it's just the gesture of knowing that that is there. That keeps me feeling safe. And I don't actually have to carry that out. So I'm going to insect just pooped. This could be a sign from the universe. What was your all truism? So I'm going to skip ahead to step four, which is harvest practice embody and what was your altruism, because the universe via some kind of insect excrement wanted to highlight that point. And harvest practice and body is something that is ongoing. One can recognize elements from the magic state in daily life when one doesn't feel like one is in the state of magic. Maybe I can use the word you are we I like the word we. And then step two is designing your dreams. And I realized that that could possibly be a good step to and I welcome your feedback on this because now that I've transcended and I'm no longer on medications and not needing to, in voluntarily participate in the mental health system. And that energy is freed up from worrying about all of that and feeling like one day I would like to transcend. I'm realizing how do I live? What is life all about now that I don't need to refer everything to mental health that happens in my life. So I feel like I could have benefited from designing that while tapering off medications. And so this is for people who want to taper off or who have tapered off or are dreaming of that one day and gestures of moving towards those dreams even before one has tried intended because I feel like part of what helped me live the dream of tapering off medication was moving towards and carrying out my dream of going to California. So I might have thought, Well, when I taper off medications one day, if I ever do, and I'm out of the system, and I'm feeling good, then I'll go to California. 

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I did so much again today. The days feel really long. The sense of time is different. And what did I do, I got a mailbox for a year. And then I put that address in MailChimp, I bought another four boxes of the lighthouse ferric vitamin C. So that was about 150 bucks, the mailbox was about 150 bucks. And I bought some tickets to Boney m, and Abracadabra. And that was about 120 bucks. And I'm booking my trip to the island, my little retreat. I didn't pay for that today yet, but I'm going to pay for it tomorrow. That's 160 bucks, plus the ferry, I'm spending a lot of money. And I'm thinking of buying that private video embedding plug in. And that's about 150 bucks. So, good thing I'm going back and doing a bit of peer support stuff to be able to fund these kind of shenanigans. Tomorrow, I'll likely book my retreat and pay for it and book, a forest bathing walk. And my schedules really filled up. And I wrote a long email reaching out to a neuroscientist at muse. I reached out to someone who's part of ecpr. And I spoke with the job opportunity that I was talking about. And they offered me a full time job. And I said I had to think because all of a sudden, all the lifestyle design elements here are falling into place. And I feel like I need to give them a chance. Plus, I'm newly on to the micronutrients. And I do want to see if they can prevent crisis for nine months before doing a big major move. So we'll see, I think part of my decision will be depending on if I qualify for this business class that's going on in November here. Because if I do, then it might be a good idea to take that course and learn a little bit about starting a business. Because it's a course for people who are labeled with illnesses or have other factors that make life challenging sometimes. So it would be free. So yeah, so much going on. And the days feel long and full of a lot of different things. I feel like I did so much today. Got so much done. And then here I am sitting at the park. feeling like I could just sit here forever and it feels like right now is forever. And tonight, I will again use my muse headband. 

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This is my third day on juice and kombucha only. I'm feeling really good. I feel like maybe I have an allergy to some of the food that I've been eating on a consistent basis. But last night, I actually felt really crappy. Though during the day when I was at the park making videos, I felt really good. So think I'm just rediscovering and learning about myself. When it comes to hormones, when it comes to how people around me make me feel, or different combinations of people, places times. Today, it feels fascinating. Yesterday, I felt like I can't be around people. I have to get out of the house now. And I went to the park and I was good. And then I went back home and I felt like I can't be around people. So I went to Walmart. So yeah, three days, two and a half days on kombucha, and carrot juice, and juice. I've been doing juice only and kombucha only the last couple days. So I just grabbed a few juices from booster juice to keep it going. Because I didn't have any carrots to make carrot juice. So we'll see what happens and how long this lasts because I'm feeling pretty good today. Yesterday, in the afternoon, I was feeling quite awful. So we'll see how it goes. And today I'm feeling good. And I had energy and I was being creative. I set up my Square Reader a little better, I put it as sink rivercity wellness, and now I carry it with me as a prompt to see where I might be able to use it. And I started printing a sinker versity Wellness brochure, I fixed the podcast link on my blog to actually sync up with my SoundCloud and I created a blog post with the zendo project training video and manual. And I put a sticker on my car, I got gas, I got more carrots, and ginger for making juice tomorrow, I got three juices up booster juice, because I didn't have anything to make juice and I wanted to go out, I did forget my iPhone charging cord. So I can't sit and do stuff on my phone unlimitedly because I could run out of battery. And then I wouldn't be able to sing on the drive home. And that would be tragic. And I bought a song automatic flowers by our lady peace and added it to my singing playlist, along with Superman's dead which I already had. So I'm noticing that there are states where I can get a lot done just one thing after another. And then sometimes I feel like I can barely move and just waiting for that sensation to pass and wait for the next wave of creative action without premeditation. And I have a big long list of things to do that I made while I was swimming in California. And I just looked at it now and it says thrower coming off party. So I think I'm going to throw myself a coming off party when it's the nine month mark off meds in mid February. 

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Okay, so quick video, maybe not that quick, I don't know, maybe I will talk as fast as a medic, because that's something a manic would do. And this morning, the theme has been state change because I was in one space in my mind, and then with a little bit of coffee. And I went into my song list on my iPhone, and then I just would scroll like that. And it was just going like that, and I put my finger on it. And it was a sub base. And it was their newer ish CD. And for some reason, a sub bass makes me feel really happy and kind of manic. And I remember buying that CD and then ending up in the hospital A little while later. And I felt like the songs on there really resonated with me, there's one about going to California, and then I did end up going to California for so their music is just on my wavelength, that's kind of fun and silly. And the other thing that might have changed my state a little is I was wearing these shorts while I was drying my hair. And these are shorts that I found the very first time I was manic on the ground, and I kept them just simple Adidas shorts. And I was singing to a space too. And it feels like ever since I talked to a friend of mine a few days ago by Skype, and we're talking about how when we interact with people, there's a possibility of passing on our gift and, and passing on some beauty or something. And ever since then I feel like I've been able to sing slightly better. I don't know if it's true. And also, I feel like this sore throat that I've had and and it's still going on actually is the tissue in my throat, reorganizing in disguise. And that's something that I could say is I'm not sick, it's my throat tissue and vocal cords reorganizing slightly, so that I can sing better in the future. Because I really did want to sing when I was a little kid. And I was always afraid to and I couldn't sing at all. So that's something I want to work on, or play with, I should say. And I remember meeting this really spiritual type Jesus looking guys six years ago, and I was in Santa Barbara. And when I came back, he emailed me and he said, Have you started singing yet, and we had this really long I stare thing happening. So I think he was trying to pass on that. Sort of like the passing on that gift thing that a friend of mine and I were talking about recently. So I've been considering magical things like that within the last half an hour. 

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Enjoy the Music!

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And I remember talking to myself about creating this as passive advocacy, so I can just move on to something else. And I'm feeling that today. And I might still talk to myself on video, but I do want to move on to something else, maybe making shorter, better quality videos then rambling on, which was an important part of the process. But I don't know how important it is anymore. And the self dialogue really has been my one thing. And I talked about how I read on Steve pavlina, his website that sometimes it's good to have a one thing and I read that on his website after I'd already been doing this for probably eight months. So really has been my one thing. And in terms of wrapping up my one thing, since I've been a little bit under the weather these last few days, I've spent time at home, organizing my videos, so I made a Google Sheets, spreadsheet, and put all the video dates in as well as the time length, and then all the links to the audio videos, and then a separate one with all the links to all the video videos. And this is helpful right now because I'm backing up all my videos from iCloud onto an external hard drive. And the easiest way to find the right video in the proper order is to use the time. So there was a reason for all of that not just being really organized, because I'm not that organized with it. But I saw that it would be helpful. So I did that. Plus, that way I have all the links. When I decide to post them to my blog or something, I can just go into that spreadsheet and look for the link as opposed to going into YouTube, which is kind of chaotic, with so many videos in there and so many different dates. So now it's organized for possibly sharing it. So even though I'll wrap up the conversation with myself, perhaps I'll share about sharing it at some point, I don't know, when there are a few things happening in the next couple of weeks where my life could really change in one direction or another and I'm not sure which way to go. One way could be a job. And that would take a lot of my time. So that would be a reason to not talk to myself so much, I won't have the time. And the other is just creating the business, which I could still do anyway. 

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I'm a little bit under the weather today. And it's not too bad considering it started yesterday, I just feel a little bit clogged up in my throat. And it'll probably linger for a week. And yesterday, it was quite painful to swallow. And, yeah, it's getting better. I've taken a lot of vitamin C. And I was going to talk to myself yesterday and make a bunch of videos, but I decided to hang out with some friends. Instead, I need to remember not to neglect my relationships. And I've been pondering that the last couple of days. And it is harder because I'm further away from my friends where I'm living right now. So when the opportunity is there, and the traffic won't be that bad, it's important to make an effort. And also being aware of interacting with family. And yeah, that's in my awareness more, because I'm back home now and around people that I know and care about yet, at the same time struggling just because I don't have much of my own space. So I don't want to let the situation mess up the relationships. And I've also noticed my cycle of hormones is more prominent. So being aware of that, interacting with everything as well. I didn't really get PMS when I was on, on the segments, and they do actually prescribe psych meds for people who have really strong PMS symptoms. Because it actually does suppress them. So now it's getting reacquainted with my natural rhythms, which were quite strong, even before I was ever diagnosed with anything and and I was aware of them. So I'm remembering what that was like. So yeah, this is learning to navigate in daily life with with feelings and emotions and sensations and perceptions and relationships and interactions and situations that aren't being modulated by some kind of chemical drug in my system. So yeah, that is a learning process. 

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And I feel like our non volitional altered states have a similar role to play. Yet we haven't come together to unfold what that is. And I could be wrong about all of that, but it will make an interesting journey. I don't know what I'm talking about, though. There is some kind of magic out there or in here.

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